Golden Moon
by NusiainForks
Summary: Bella doesn't fall apart after Edward leaves, especially when she discovers Jasper stayed behind. But with Alice waiting for Jasper in Alaska, will Bella find new love or be abandoned again? BxJas AU/OOC Bellie Award Nominee.
1. Chapter 1: Abandoned Toy

**Edward leaves Bella, but she does not fall apart, especially when she finds out that Jasper stayed behind. Their growing friendship helps Bella re-build her self-esteem. But with Alice waiting for Jasper's return, will Bella find a new love, or will she be abandoned again?**

**This is my first attempt at Fan Fiction and it's a slow building romance from Bella's point of view, kind of like Twilight itself. If Jasper and Bella are meant to be together, getting them there will be a process. And in this story Alice is still very much a factor so, as the synopsis points out, the end is uncertain. **

**The first couple of chapters are introducing Bella. Jasper will make his appearance in Chapter 3.**

**Of course, I do not own any of the characters -- they belong to Stephanie Meyer. **

**

* * *

**

Prologue

He was dying. My eyes burned with smoke and my lungs were overwhelmed with the heavy, acrid odor of incense as the wolves threw vampire chunks into the blazing fire. I could hear the howls and growling of the pack as their fury whipped them into a frenzy.

I was covered with blood. It dripped from me onto him as I desperately tried to hold his torn and broken body together, to somehow protect him from certain demise. But my loss of blood was nothing. My wounds were superficial. He was dying! Dying because he tried to protect me. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I kept screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs despite the choking smoke, until the intelligible noise finally turned into words.

"Jacob," I screamed," You have to save him! Please! He cannot die because of me! I'm begging you, you're the only one who can do this! Jacob! Oh God - Jasper! No! You have to save him! He's dying!"

The smoke was so thick I could hardly see, but my peripheral vision somehow registered movement. A small, fast, fluid shadow descended into the clearing like a dark angel. My screams caught in my throat as my mind recognized the familiar figure. Alice!

**

* * *

**

Chapter 1: Abandoned toy

_He was gone._

A part of me wanted to follow, to trace his path through the forest, catch up with him and force him to change his mind. But I knew this was impossible. I was a terrible tracker and I could never match his speed, even if I was able to follow without falling and injuring myself. Besides, what could I possibly say to change his mind? If he was telling the truth, if he really didn't want me, what good would it do to argue?

I sank to the ground. I didn't know what to do, where to go, what to think. He had said he loved me, over and over again, so many times. I thought he meant it. Yet today he was so cold, like he was a different person. Not the Edward I loved, but a stranger.

I sat there for a while, not moving. I was worthless and alone, left like last season's trendy toy that was now out of style. Sure, Edward could move on to other distractions. But what was I supposed to do now? For months Edward had been my whole world. We spent all our time together. I had no other interests, nothing to distract me. How could I go on? I felt numbness spread through me as I wallowed in self pity.

When I finally tried to move, I realized that I was numb, literally. My legs had fallen asleep from sitting so long in one position. Yet another reminder that I was a pathetically inferior human. Edward could have sat there in the same position for days without a slightest hint of discomfort.

I untangled my legs and cried out as blood circulated again and brought feeling and pain. Thousands of pins and needles sticking into my lower limbs, like the ones I could feel stabbing into my heart. There was a strange comfort in the pain – at least it proved I could still feel.

When the pain in my legs finally receded, I pulled myself up and made my way back to the house. Charlie hadn't come home yet. I found a note on the kitchen table, written in my messy handwriting.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path. Back soon, B._

I was confused. I hadn't written the note. Edward must have done it, but why? Did he expect me to still be on the trail when Charlie came home? Did he expect me to collapse in some sort of catatonic state so that Charlie would have to find me? And if he did expect that, did he really go ahead and leave me, after warning me last spring about all the dangers hiding in the forest? I started to get angry. I crumpled up the note and threw it in the trash.

No, I would not give him the satisfaction of acting like the weakling he believed me to be. He had hurt me, yes, but the wound was not fatal. It would take time to heal; something I was used to. Clumsy as I was, I was always healing form one injury or another. If anything, this emotional blow should be easier. Not stitches or braces or casts necessary. Just time.

The thought of time made me look at the clock. Holy crow, it was late! Charlie would be home soon and I had nothing ready for dinner. There wasn't enough time for anything remotely resembling home cooking, so I grabbed some spaghetti and a jar of sauce. I knew I had a bag of frozen meatballs in the freezer for just such occasions. I quickly put water in the pasta pot to boil and dumped the meatballs and pasta sauce into another pot to warm. It wouldn't be my finest culinary effort, but Charlie probably wouldn't even notice. He wasn't particularly picky.

The phone rang. I didn't feel like talking with anyone, but answered anyway, just in case it was Charlie.

"Hey Bella," the voice was that of Jessica Stanley.

I cringed. There could only be one reason for Jessica to call – her gossip of a mother had already heard about the Cullens leaving Forks. _Bad news travels fast,_ I thought. Then I realized that Edward never even game me the cover story. What would I tell Jessica when she asked why they left? _Oh, you know, Jess, Edward felt I wasn't good enough for him anymore and he couldn't stand to live in the same town as me so his whole family had to move, lest he give in to his initial reaction to me and kill me for my blood._ I bet that would go over well.

Fortunately, I didn't have to be that creative.

"My mom just came home and told me that Dr. Cullen took a position in a hospital in L.A. and that the whole family was moving there immediately. How awful! Did you speak with Edward?"

_Moving to sunny California_, I thought. I had to admit the irony was just a little too delicious. Edward really wanted to go to great lengths to make sure he made a clean get-away. I knew the one place the Cullens would not move to was a city where they would be forced to stay indoors all the time. Was he afraid I would try to stalk him and came up with this ridiculous lie as a signal to me? I clenched my fist in anger. I was not a physically aggressive person, but right now I wouldn't mind punching something, or someone!

"Bella?" Jessica's voice interrupted my thoughts. I panicked. What was it that she asked me? That's right, she wanted to know if Edward and I talked.

"Yes, we spoke. It's true."

"Oh," she said, and I knew she didn't call for confirmation of the rumor. She wanted the dirt on me and Edward. "So what are you guys going to do? Will you visit each other on the weekends?"

"Um," my brain was working overtime. Edward was gone and he made me feel so small, but there was no reason for any one else to know that. What could I say that wouldn't make me sound like a discarded plaything? After a moment, I formulated a story that I prayed would work. "Flying is pretty expensive, and senior year means a lot of school work, plus I have to work many weekends. We'll see what happens, but for now we decided that it might be a good idea to see other people."

"I see," Jessica said incredulously. "And you're OK with that? I mean, you know what they say about California girls. Are you sure you want to give Edward your permission to . . . experiment?"

I could hear in her voice that she didn't really believe me. The fact that she was right made me all the more determined to be convincing.

"Whatever," I said, sounding bored. "I mean, make no mistake, I love Edward, but he was definitely more useful as a boyfriend when he was here, you know what I mean?"

"Really? I thought you two were really gaga over each other."

"Yeah, well, I guess we were, but I'm only eighteen and I don't want to spend my last year of high school exchanging e-mails, phone calls and an occasional visit with a long-distance boyfriend, and I'm sure Edward feels the same way." _Yes, he had made that abundantly clear_. "So, you know, we'll keep in touch, but we'll explore our other options too."

I crossed my fingers as I offered the last lie. I knew all too well there would be no future contact between me and Edward. How had he put it? _It will be as thought I never existed_. He might as well have substituted "you" for the "I".

"Wow, Bella, you're taking this really well," Jessica said. Her voice was still filled with disbelief, but also a bit of disappointment. I could tell she was hoping I'd be a heartbroken mess. I thought about the note crumpled in the trash. _Join the club, Jess, join the club._

"You think? I'm just trying to make the most of a bad situation. Maybe dating is like horseback riding – if you fall off the best thing to do is get right back on?

"Sure," now Jessica was uncertain. I could almost hear her thoughts, reviewing the roster of available senior boys at Forks high school, including her ex, Mike Newton. "But no sense in rushing into anything."

I knew this conversation had not gone anything like she thought it would when she first picked up the phone, and I was glad, though I also felt guilty that I was taking out my anger at Edward by being mean to Jess. I really had no intention of dating anyone, especially Mike Newton, so why make her as miserable as I felt?

"I won't rush," I assured her. "I think a little break from relationships would be good for me. Look, Jess, my dad will be home any minute and I have to finish dinner, so. . ." I let my voice train off.

"Oh, right, I'll let you go," thankfully she took the hint. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

We hung up the phone and I knew that as soon as the receiver hit the cradle at Jessica's house it would be picked up again, either by her or her mother. By tomorrow morning there wouldn't be a soul in town who didn't know about me an Edward. I just hoped my story was plausible enough to hold.

I had dinner ready by the time Charlie walked through the door.

"Hey, Bella," he said cautiously as we sat down to eat," I hear the Cullens were moving to California. Edward going with them?"

I looked up, startled. Even thought I was 18 and everyone assumed Edward was the same age, the possibility of Edward staying behind when his family left would not have even occurred to me. I hoped Charlie was the only one who made that mental leap.

"Of course, Dad. He's still in high school." _For the umpteenth time! _I briefly wondered where the Cullens were really moving to, and whether they would be starting high school all over again wherever they wound up. For some reason the misery that this experience caused them, especially Edward and Rosalie, gave me a small comfort. Who knew I was this vindictive?

"I see. So I suppose I should get a better long distance plan?"

I knew I would have to lie to Charlie as well, but I didn't realize it would be this hard. Still, he would know better than anyone that there would be no calls to or from California, and I couldn't very well tell him the truth.

"I don't think so, Dad. The long-distance relationship thing, probably not such a good idea. Edward and I decided to see other people. We, um, broke up."

It was Charlie's turn to look surprised.

"And you're OK with that?" he was at once concerned, suspicious, hopeful and relieved.

"Yeah. I think I am."

"Uh-huh," he didn't sound convinced. "Am I going to have to drive you to LA to convince him to move back to Forks?"

I winced at the reminder of the cover story we gave Charlie for the events of last spring break. I supposed it was hard to believe that Edward and I could be inseparable one week, and completely ready to move on the next. And no wonder, since it was a complete lie, at least on my part. But I had a role to play here, and dwelling would not be helpful. I tried to smile.

"Well, it's not like his whole family will move back for us, so I don't think there would be any point to that trip."

Suddenly Charlie looked glum.

"Are you going to stay in Forks?" he asked, and I realized that he was worried that without Edward I would decided to re-join Renee and Phil. I thought it was odd that this thought hadn't even occurred to me. Of course I could avoid all the gossip simply by leaving myself. I too had another place to go. But looking at Charlie's tortured face, I knew this was not an option. Charlie needed me here, and I would not let Edward chase me away from my home. I didn't want to start senior year at a new school, be forced to make new friends, find a new job. Staying in Forks would be hard, but it would also be easier than moving.

"Yeah, Dad, I'm staying in Forks. I want to finish high school with my friends."

I could see he was buying it. I guess I was a pretty good spin doctor -- maybe I had a career in public relations.

"I'm glad, Bells. I love having you here."

I choked up a little. The word "love" was not one Charlie used often. I hung my head, embarrassed.

"I love you too, Dad." I said.

We finished the meal in silence. After dinner I washed the dishes while Charlie dried and put them away. We didn't need to speak to bond.

When we were done Charlie went to the living room to watch a baseball game. I let him know I was going to do homework and headed upstairs. I had an idea that my surprises from Edward weren't over yet, and I opened the door to my room with dread.

Sure enough, he had been here too. I could see that the birthday presents form his family were gone. He had also removed the photos of himself from my scrapbook and took his CD out of my CD player. This was a final blow, but it was also kind of a relief. I acknowledged that I probably would have gotten rid of all those things anyway. He just saved me the trouble.

I knew I wouldn't be able to study, and there was nothing due the next day, so I decided to get ready for bed. As I lay in my dark room, the events of the day re-played in my head like footage of a disaster on an otherwise slow news day. Alone, all traces of my false bravado disappeared and the tears started flowing until, eventually, I cried myself to sleep.

**

* * *

**

I hope you like the stronger Bella. I absolutely love feedback, so please leave a review!


	2. Chapter 2: Starting Over

**As we all know, Stephanie Meyer owns all these characters! **

**

* * *

**

Chapter 2: Starting Over

My night had been restless. I kept waking up between nightmares. Each time I woke up without the coolness of Edward's body next to mine, I immediately remembered what happened and tried to fall asleep to get away from reality. But as soon as I fell asleep the nightmares returned. There was not relief. Now wonder I felt horrible when it was finally time to get out of bed and start my life in Forks all over again.

I knew today was critical. I had to put on a good show so that no one knew how miserable I really felt. One look in the mirror showed me how difficult my task would be. The evidence of my misery was irrefutably imprinted on my face, with my eyes puffy from a night of crying. Fortunately, splashing cold water on my face helped a little. I swallowed a couple of Advils, both for the anti-inflammatory properties and to help with the head ache that was quickly developing as I thought of what awaited me at the high school. How I wished I could just stay home. But I knew I couldn't hide forever, and it was best to confront my fear head on.

I dressed, ate breakfast and got into my truck. Immediately I gasped. Was it possible? Did the infallible Edward actually forget to remove such an obvious reminder of him and his family? I couldn't believe it, yet could not deny what I was seeing with my own eyes. The stereo that had been a birthday gift from Emmet was still in the truck. I hit the steering wheel in anger and frustration! How in the world was I supposed to get rid of that?

The anger actually helped me pull myself together, so that by the time I reached the high school I was steadfast in my resolve to put on a great show of nonchalance. One last check in the rearview mirror told me the obvious signs of crying were gone. I was relieved.

Walking through the parking lot I heard fast footsteps behind me and then felt an arm around my shoulder. I turned to see Mike Newton.

"Hey, Bella," he said easily. "What's this I hear about Cullen leaving town and you wanting to see other people?'

I had to admire Mike's persistence and self-confidence. He certainly believed in striking while the iron was hot.

"Um, yeah," I said noncommittally, "Neither one of us thought the long distance thing would work so great,"

"Heck, no," he agreed. "A beautiful girl like you wasted on a phone and e-mail relationship? And in your senior year? No way! There are way too many cool things to do this year. Just wait and see, a couple of weeks and you won't even remember his name."

This was wishful thinking on Mike's part. He couldn't possible think any boy could ever make me forget Edward. Nevertheless, I found myself caught up in his optimism. Maybe this would be easier than I thought. Maybe there would be just enough distractions to keep me from sinking into complete despair.

"Bella!"

I looked up to see Angela waiving and walking over. I stopped walking to let her catch up. Mike removed his arm from my shoulder. As if sensing this was girl talk time, he kept walking, turning around briefly to wink at me and shout a quick "See you later."

"He's in a good mood," Angela commented, and she didn't need to say she knew exactly why. Then she looked at me, scrutinizing my face. "How are you?"

I felt uncomfortable. Angela was always more sensitive to my moods. If anyone could see through my charade, it would be her.

"I'm fine." I decided I could be more honest with her than the others, trusting in her discretion. "It's hard. It was so unexpected – I wasn't prepared. I'll miss him, but the show must go on, right?"

Angela looked like she wasn't convinced.

"Jessica said you didn't want a long distance relationship, but are you sure, Bella? It might not be so bad. It's not as though Edward couldn't afford to visit . . ."

I interrupted her before she could go on.

"It was a mutual decision, Angela," I said pointedly. OK, that was a lie. I was giving myself far more responsibility for that decision that I actually had. But telling Angela the whole truth would have been too painful. Even this concession to my official façade was difficult. "Edward wasn't interested in a long-distance relationship any more than I was."

"Oh," I could see she suddenly understood, and was not going to push this line of thought. "Well, then, let me know if you need anything. You know I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Angela," I smiled. "I appreciate that more than you know."

The rest of the day passed in a blur. I repeated my carefully orchestrated story so often I was almost starting to believe it myself. Fortunately, everyone else seemed to believe it too. I took the most satisfaction in convincing Lauren. I knew she had wanted to torture me with the consequences of Edward's departure, and raged at my ability to disarm her before she even had the chance.

When I wasn't spinning my web of lies, the misery took over. I tried really hard to keep a smile plastered on my face, but inside I was weeping. The empty chair next to me in every class was a constant reminder of Edward. I had never felt more alone.

After school I went to work. Thankfully the store was busy, with lots of people stocking up on hunting and fishing gear before the start of the season. To Mike's visible dismay, this left little time for random chit-chat. I was glad. I put up a good front at school, but I wasn't quite ready for the puppy dog adoration Mike wanted to bestow.

As soon as my shift was over I skipped out and headed home, grabbing a quick plate of leftovers for dinner and throwing myself into the pile of homework I neglected the night before. I managed to get through it all, but as the night wore on I grew more and more despondent.

Pretending to be strong all day left me absolutely exhausted. Even if I could fool everyone else, I couldn't lie to myself. I couldn't pretend that the gaping wound he left behind didn't exist and I couldn't stop my eyes from overflowing. My second day without Edward ended much like my first, crying myself to sleep.

**

* * *

**

**I know this was not the most exciting chapter, but I thought it was necessary to show how Bella coped with her first day back at school. Jasper is going to make an appearance in the next chapter! **Reviews are much appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3: Left Behind

**Chapter 3: Left Behind**

The next day was Friday, and it went much the same, except I didn't have to repeat my story to the people who had already heard it. Mike hovered around me constantly and it looked like he wanted to ask me out on a date, but I made sure to always be surrounded by a group of people, making it impossible for him to ask his question without risking public rejection. I was never so glad to hear the last bell of the day.

I didn't have to work, so I went home and prepared dinner for Charlie. I didn't know what to do next. The prospect of spending another evening in my room, devoid of all physical reminders of Edward yet somehow still filled with his presence, was unacceptable. There was nothing on TV. Tired of keeping up my false front, I didn't want to do anything with any of my friends from school. It was too late in the evening to go hiking and there just wasn't anything to do in Forks where I wouldn't be risking running into people I knew. I had never been much of a shopper, but suddenly the thought of spending an evening in the relative anonymity of the department store in Port Angeles had a new appeal.

I quickly dashed off a note for Charlie about shopping and a movie, making sure I didn't clue him in that I was going alone. Then I grabbed my purse, hopped in my truck and headed out of town.

The sun had gone down and I knew pretty soon it would be dark. Suddenly I remembered the last time I was in Port Angeles alone. I intended to stay in the retail district this time, where I was relatively sure I'd be safe, but without Edward waiting to save me in the wings, was this really a smart idea? I slowed down, doubt and a little bit of fear eating at my insides. I probably shouldn't go to Port Angeles alone, but I really didn't have other options. Unable to make a decision, I pulled off to the side of the road and buried my head in my hands. How could Edward do this to me? How could the rest of the Cullens do this to me? Even if he didn't care for me anymore, why did they abandon me? How could they leave without even saying goodbye?

Suddenly I knew where I needed to go. I needed to see for myself that they were really gone. I needed to go to their house.

I started the truck again and turned around, heading down to the familiar road that led to the house deep in the woods. I didn't know what I would do once I got there. Look in the windows, I supposed. I wasn't sure what to expect. Would they have packed up all their possessions and taken them with them, or simply covered everything, intending to come back again some day? I didn't know which would be worse.

I pulled up to the house, which had a feeling of abandonment about it. The curtains in the windows were tightly drawn. I sat in my truck, uncertain as to what to do next. I was sure if I rounded to the back of the house the windows there would be just as impenetrable. I should just turn around and go back home. But an inexplicable feeling washed over me and would not let me leave. I found myself getting out of the truck and walking towards the porch, heading to the front door, my outstretched hand reaching for the door handle.

Before I even touched the handle the door opened, making me gasp in surprise. Standing in the doorway, serene and enigmatic as ever, was Jasper. I was shocked, though I could see that he had been expecting me. He must have heard my truck and manipulated my emotions to compel me to come to the door.

I remembered the last time Jasper and I were in this close proximity, the single-minded pursuit in his eyes as he tried to get past Edward to reach me and my blood, and my fear compelled me to take a step back. Undoubtedly sensing my fear, Jasper also retreated by about three times the distance of my step.

"Hello, Bella," he said politely, but not warmly. I wasn't surprised, as Jasper and I had never been particularly close.

"Hi Ja. . . Jasper," I managed to stammer out. "What are you doing here? I thought the whole family left?" I was starting to feel more relaxed, but I knew it was just Jasper manipulating my emotions.

"We did leave," he confirmed, "But I couldn't stay with the others. I needed time alone to think. This seemed as good a place as any to do that."

"Oh," I had nothing else to say. I suspected the reason he needed to be alone had to do with the incident at my birthday party, and it was another reminder how much trouble my humanity had caused. No wonder Edward didn't want to be with me. Why should he, when I was just tearing his family apart? Rosalie hated me, and now Jasper had to separate from them because of me, because I had tempted him kill a human, the one thing they tried so hard to avoid. Alice must be heartbroken.

I didn't know what to do next. I had my confirmation that the family had left, and now I understood better why they didn't want to say goodbye. Alice must have seen Jasper needing this time alone and hated me for it. I choked back a sob. I needed to leave this place before I totally lost control. I took another step backwards.

"I'm sorry to disturb you." I said, frantic to make a quick getaway. "It won't happen again."

I took another step back without turning around, not realizing that I had already made it back to the stairs. I lost my footing and tumbled backwards to the ground. Jasper was next to me in a flash, but he did not touch me. I saw him take a shallow breath.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

A bit dazed, I took stock of my body, sprawled unattractively at the foot of the porch stairs. I moved my legs and my arms and examined my hands for cuts. My butt hurt from the hard landing, but otherwise everything was in working order.

"I'm fine, thanks," I said, sitting up. "Just clumsy as usual."

I used the porch railing to pull myself up to a standing position. Jasper now stood between me and the truck, my means of escape.

"Bella, would you come in for a while? I would very much like to talk to you."

My face scrunched up in confusion. Why would Jasper want to talk to me? Was he angry at me for want happened between him and the family? I was petrified of a confrontation with him. Of course, he could sense my fear.

"I won't hurt you," he said, calmly. "I'll keep a safe distance and we'll be sure to keep you away from all sharp objects and glass. I can control myself, Bella. I just hunted earlier today. I promise I only want to talk."

I considered his request carefully. I could tell by the color of his eyes that he was telling the truth about hunting. Besides, if he had wanted to hurt me he could have done so already. And if he wanted to talk, could I deny him that after all the trouble I caused?

"Sure, Jasper," I agreed. "Let's talk."

He walked back into the house and I followed at a respectable distance, closing the door behind me.

**

* * *

****I kind of imagined that the first time Bella and Jasper saw each other after the birthday party they would both want to keep a good distance between them, especially with no one else around, even to the point of Jasper letting Bella fall rather than risk touching her. I'd love to hear your thoughts.**


	4. Chapter 4: Mannequin

**Thanks, everyone, for all the lovely reviews! ****As always, Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 4: Mannequin

We walked to the living room and I saw that I had been right about the back wall of windows – it was covered with a solid curtain of shades. No one looking at the house would guess that someone was staying here. The room was illuminated b a soft glow of a single lamp, which was more than enough light for someone with Jasper's perfect eyesight.

"Please, sit," Jasper said, gesturing towards the sofa, and I followed his suggestion. He took a seat in an armchair on the other side of the room.

"Bella," he began, "I want you to know how very sorry I am for what happened at your party. With as much time as we spent in close proximity over the last few months, I allowed myself to become complacent. I was sure I could control my cravings and I let down my guard. I should have hunted before that night, but I ran short on time. I thought I would be able to handle my thirst. I was so wrong!"

"Jasper," I tried to interrupt, but he held up his hand in a request for my silence.

"Please let me finish. I need to say this. If it had just been the paper cut, I may have been able to stifle the urge, but when you fell as Edward tried to protect you from me and blood started flowing from the wound on your arm, I completely lost control. I could have killed you, Bella. I would have killed you if Emmett and Edward had not been there to stop me. I will be forever grateful that they were there."

He didn't seem to be done, so all I could do was to stare at him. He was in such pain.

"I know you can never forgive me, Bella. What I did set of a chain of events that changed all of our lives forever. But even without your forgiveness, I just needed to tell you all this, to assure you that this will never happen again. From now on I will hunt daily, if necessary, to make sure my thirst will never endanger you or any other human."

He turned his face away from me as I continued to stare at him. I knew how difficult this was for him. Jasper hated himself for having this weakness. Admitting it publicly, to a human, must have been beyond humiliating.

"Jasper, I forgave you that night. Didn't Alice tell you?"

Of course, even if she had told him, he probably thought she was lying to make him feel better. I should have insisted on talking to him myself. I could have spared him lots of needless suffering.

"Please stop blaming yourself. It's in your nature to want to hunt humans. You have done very well controlling yourself for years. I'm the one who should have been more careful. I should have never put you in that position, in your own house! This whole thing is my fault. I was a fool to think I could ever be with someone like Edward. I put you all at risk every day of breaking your commitment not to take human life. I was hoping Edward would soon relent and change me into one of you, but now I see that he never wanted to be with me forever."

Jasper looked over at me, startled.

"Bella," he said quietly, "Edward loves you."

"He may have loved me for a while. I know he risked a lot for me, so I guess he must have loved me at one point, but he didn't love me enough to want to spend eternity with me. In the end, he didn't want me."

Jasper looked at me as if I was speaking a different language. "What are you talking about, Bella?"

He seemed genuinely confused, so I explained. I told him about everything that happened just two days ago, when Edward told me of their plans. It was all so fresh in my mind that I was able to give him a word for word account. It was painful, but somehow cathartic. Over the last two days I had been living the carefully constructed lie, and it was good to be able to finally share the truth.

As I spoke, Jasper's face became more and more unreadable, blank. After I finished, he said nothing and looked away. My initial feeling of relief at being able to speak candidly faded rapidly as the silence stretched uncomfortably between us. He sat still in his armchair, his face void of all expression. His eyes were open, but it was obvious his thoughts were far away.

Seconds turned into minutes. A quarter of an hour passed without a word, without a sound other than my breathing. I started to feel like I was sharing a room with a mannequin. I fidgeted in my seat, feeling uncomfortable, embarrassed and foolish. Another minute passed by and I had reached my limit. I stood up, needing to leave this bizarre situation.

"Please don't go, Bella," his voice startled me. "I'm sorry I'm making you uncomfortable. You have no reason to be embarrassed. Once again, I'm behaving inappropriately." He spoke to me, but he still hadn't moved or looked at me. A mannequin turned robot.

Then he turned towards me and his eyes locked with mine. I couldn't look away. I couldn't blink. His topaz eyes, so much like Edward's, held me completely captive.

"I was trying to process everything you told me; trying to reconcile the things Edward said to you with the things he told us; trying to understand what he was thinking."

"Why," my voice sounded like a raspy croak through my dried throat. I swallowed, and tried again. "Why do you need to reconcile things? How was what he told you different than what he told me?"

Jasper sighed.

"It would be inappropriate for me to share what Edward told us. Suffice it to say that, at the time, we felt leaving Forks without having contact with you would be in your best interest. Based on everything you just told me, that may have been a mistake."

His explanation cleared up nothing, yet the acknowledgement that maybe leaving without saying goodbye was a mistake was oddly comforting.

"Edward is complicated," Jasper continued, "the most complicated of all of us, except maybe Carlisle. I can't pretend to understand why he did what he did or why he told you the things he did. In all the years that I've known him, he's displayed a very limited range of emotions, until he met you. When he met you it was like the emotional floodgates opened, and he's been on a rollercoaster ever since. In many ways, he's like a teenager hitting puberty. There are too many things going on that he is not familiar with. The confusion is worse for Edward because he has always been so controlled. He's clearly not thinking straight and all these new feelings may have driven him to do and say things he wouldn't otherwise say. But, Bella, I do know with every certainty that he truly loves you, more than he's ever loved anyone before."

I choked back a sob. I know Jasper meant well and probably believed every word he had just said, but if he thought for a minute someone who loved me could have done to me what Edward did a couple of days ago, then his definition of love differed drastically from mine. Edward didn't love me. He may have been fascinated by me. He may have been intrigued by his inability to read my thoughts. He may have even enjoyed all the new feelings I inspired. But in the end, I was too much trouble. He was tired of acting human. I wasn't good enough.

My torrent of emotions was making me hysterical. Then I felt a wave of calm washing over me. Jasper!

"Please, don't," I said quietly, "I don't want to be manipulated." I felt the calmness receding, but the hysteria did not come back. I guess I still had some self-control.

He shifted forward to the edge of his chair. He leaned his upper body over his legs, resting his elbows on his knees, his hands clasped together, fingers intertwined. The expression on his face was very serious and earnest.

"I see I'm not convincing you, Bella, so let me tell you something else. Even if Edward isn't emotionally capable of handling your relationship, even if he truly believes the two of you should be apart, it has nothing to do with you. As I told you in Phoenix, you are very much good enough, very much worth the effort! You have great value! You're a beautiful, warm, smart, kind, compassionate young woman. People naturally gravitate towards you – surely you must have noticed? You deserve happiness and love in your life and if Edward is unwilling or unable to give you that, then you're better off without him."

Tears pooled in my eyes and fell to my cheeks. What he said was so beautiful and should have made me feel better, but all I could think was how it wasn't enough. No matter what anyone else thought, I wasn't good enough to make Edward wasn't to stay.

Jasper stood up. I could see he was fighting a battle between wanting to comfort me and needing to keep his distance. I was making things difficult for him again. I wiped the tears form my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Thanks, Jasper," I said, and meant it. Seeing him helped me get partial closure. "I'd better get going." I turned and walked towards the door.

"Will you come back?" he asked.

I stopped and turned back to him.

"Do you want me to?" I was beyond surprised. This encounter couldn't have been any more pleasant for him than it had been for me. Probably less, given the physical discomfort he felt around me. And it's not like Jasper had ever wanted to spend a time with me before.

"No one other than you knows I'm here. I don't mind being alone, it's why I stayed behind, but it would be nice to talk to someone once in a while. Maybe once a week? It wouldn't have to be more than that."

I thought about this. I could certainly understand wanting to talk with someone every once in a while, but couldn't he just call Alice or Emmett or any other member of his family? But maybe that wasn't an option? Maybe he had been lying to me just like I had been lying to all my friends, and his seclusion wasn't voluntary at all. Was it possible that his family was so angry with him they had asked him not to go with them? I really would not have imagined them capable of that kind of punishment, but then I wouldn't have thought they would leave without saying goodbye to me either, so how well did I really know the Cullens after all?

I felt awful. One stupid paper cut causing all this pain and loss. _If only I had taken more care when opening that gift . . . _I forced myself to stop that train of thought. Jasper was looking at me, still waiting for my answer.

Could I come back here to talk to him? What would I tell Charlie? It would have to be after school, before Charlie came home, on a day I wasn't working. Given these restrictions, I probably couldn't swing more than one visit per week even if I wanted to. And being here, once a week, for a few hours, well, it wasn't at the top of my wish list but it wouldn't kill me either. _Or would it?_ That last thought snuck in, another reminder of my last encounter with Jasper. _No. No it would not. He said he was in control and he would not hurt me. He's more careful now. He'll hunt before I come and we'll keep a safe distance from each other and it will be fine. It's just talking. Like visiting someone at a hospital or nursing home. _I had to smile at the last thought. Given the difference in our real ages, it would sort of be like visiting someone in a nursing home. I guess I could look at this as some sort of a community project – volunteering with the elderly. That seemed a lot less threatening, and my decision was made.

"Okay, Jasper. I can come over next Thursday."

"Thank you. Your kindness is much appreciated."

Right. He even spoke like a grandfather. All formal!

"Sure. Now I really have to go," I started walking to the door again, but stopped dead in my tracks after only a couple of steps. Charlie would surely be home by now, thinking I had been in Port Angeles, and I had never even left Forks. What in the world would I tell him? I didn't want to lie, but I couldn't very well tell the truth either. Ugh! How did I always manage to make such a mess of things?

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jasper asked.

I sighed, and explained about the note I left for Charlie and how I didn't want to lie any more than I already had. Besides, I was a horrible liar, and much worse in person than on paper.

"I'll be right back," Jasper said. The cool breeze behind me let me know that he had left the room at superhuman speed. He was back, standing in front of me, before I could turn around. In his hands he held a shopping bag from the Port Angeles department store.

"Alice purchased these but never wore them," he said. "They still have the tags on. They should work as a prop to back up your story."

I took the bag and looked inside. The two tops were not Alice's size, and they were both a shade of blue that Edward had liked me to wear. I swallowed hard. I had a feeling the tags were left on the garments because they had never been intended for Alice in the first place.

"Thanks, Japer," I said quietly. "I'll see you Thursday after school."

He opened the door for me and pressed himself flush to the wall as I passed.

"See you Thursday," he whispered.

I walked back to my truck, threw the bag in the passenger seat and started the engine. Jasper was standing in the doorway watching me, illuminated by a thin shaft of light form the lamp in the living room. I knew he meant me no harm, but standing there, tall and lean, something about him screamed predator. I shivered involuntarily. Then I shifted the truck into gear and drove back home.

**

* * *

**

I warned that this would be a slow build. A whole week to go until Bella comes back to volunteer with the elderly – hee hee. I cracked myself up with that one. Will she ever find out if Jasper was punishing himself or being punished by the Cullens?

**As always, reviews are most welcome!**


	5. Chapter 5: Back to the Beach

**Many thanks again for all the reviews on the last chapter and please, do not fear, I will not turn Jasper into Edward. In the beginning, though, he has to be a bit more formal and reserved. At this point he sees himself in a more fatherly role, though on his worst day he couldn't possibly be as paternalistic towards Bella as Edward. His interactions with Bella will change in time ;-).**

**For now, though, we'll give Jasper a little rest. Just one chapter, though. **

**Many thanks to Stephanie Meyer for creating all these great characters! **

**

* * *

**

Chapter 5: Back to the Beach

As expected, Charlie's cruiser was parked in the driveway when I got home. I took a deep breath, reciting the story of shopping fun that I'd rehearsed on the drive home. I hoped I could sound convincing!

I grabbed the bag and headed to the house. I could hear the TV on in the living room.

"Hey, Dad," I called out.

"Hey, Bella. Did you have fun?"

I stood in the entry to the living room and held up the bag with a smile that I hoped didn't look too forced. Amazingly, the prop worked to create the right implication.

"Good. Got any plans for tomorrow?"

I was amazed that I was actually going to get away with the Port Angeles charade. But I was also wary of the question.

"Not really," I said hesitantly. I wasn't sure what Charlie was up to and I wanted to leave myself an out just in case.

"I'm going fishing with Billy and I thought you might want to come to La Push with me. You know, hang out with Jake?"

I mulled this over for a bit. I wasn't sure Jake would want to hang out with me all day, but a change in scenery might be a good thing. Anything was better than sitting around this house by myself all day, pining for Edward.

"Sure. That'd be good."

"Great. We're leaving bright and early, so set your alarm! Want to watch the rest of the game with me?" Charlie almost never suggested that I join him to watch a game. It was as if he sensed that I didn't want to be alone in my room. Sometimes he was more perceptive than I gave him credit for. Still, I wasn't sure which option was less appealing – a miserable night in my room or an evening of baseball. In the end, I chose my room.

"No thanks. Since we're getting up early tomorrow I think I'll go to bed."

"Good night, then,"

"Good night."

I was determined that tonight I would not cry myself to sleep. Instead of thinking about Edward, I focused on my encounter with Jasper. Encounter. That was a good word. I thought of that movie, _Close Encounters of the Third Kind_. Sometimes Jasper seemed totally alien to me. He barely ever spoke to me, but when he did he said such profound things. What had he called me earlier? "Beautiful, warm, smart, kind, compassionate young woman." I snorted. I was hardly beautiful. I suppose I was warm, but then compared to vampires any human being was warm. I might have been inclined to give him the smart, if it wasn't for the fact that I chose to get involved with a vampire Adonis, someone so far out of my league it had to be the most stupid thing any human being has ever done to think that the relationship could last more than a few days, much less forever.

I turned over to my side and wondered again if Jasper was in Forks by choice or if he had been forced to stay away from the Cullens. I really hoped his was a self-imposed exile. But if he was here by choice, why ask me to come back to the house? None of it made any sense.

In the end, as much as I tried to avoid it, my thoughts returned to Edward. Once again I heard all of the horrible things he had said to me. I curled up into a ball as my tears fell again. Was I ever going to be able to fall asleep without crying?

The next morning Charlie and I had a light breakfast before driving out to La Push. We took my truck to make it easier for Charlie to haul the fishing gear and Billy's wheelchair, but he drove. I was just happy not to be seen in the police cruiser.

I had my school bag with me for something to do, just in case Jake had other plans while Billy and Charlie went fishing. With or without Jake, I was glad I agreed to go to La Push. It was the one place where Edward and I had never been able to go together, so it remained untainted by any painful memories.

Soon we pulled up to Billy's house. The door opened almost immediately and Jake wheeled Billy to the front yard.

"Hey, Bella," Jake said, smiling. He didn't seem surprised to see me. Charlie must have called Billy this morning while I was in the shower to let him know I was coming too.

"Hey Jacob, Billy," I said brightly. Jake's smile was infectious.

"Good to see you, Bella," Billy said. "About time you came out to visit."

I didn't respond. Billy knew very well why I hadn't been able to visit before. My ex-boyfriend, with whom I had spent all my time, wasn't welcome on the reservation. He couldn't step foot past the border without breaking an ancient treaty. Now that Edward was gone, there was no reason for me to stay away.

"You ready to head out, chief?" Billy asked Charlie.

"You bet, where's your gear?"

"I'll get it," Jake said as he ran to the stand-alone garage in the back of the yard.

Charlie helped Billy into the truck and loaded his wheelchair in the back, then added the fishing gear Jake brought back with him.

"All right, kids. We'll be back this afternoon. Have fun." Charlie said as he got behind the wheel. Soon the truck was gone and it was just Jake and me in the front yard.

"Here, let me take that," Jake said, reaching for my book bag. "Are you hungry, thirsty?"

"No," I shook my head, "we ate before we came."

"Okay. Well, come on in. I'll just grab a soda and we can figure out what to do for the rest of the day."

He turned before I could respond and headed into the house. I followed. Being behind him gave me a chance to take a good look at him without being watched myself. I noticed that he had grown since I last saw him. He was taller and more muscular. I knew he was still fifteen, but he sure didn't look it. He really looked more like a young man now than a boy. With this new body, his beautiful, long hair, his warm eyes and fabulous smile, I bet he was swatting off girls like flies.

_Wait, what?_ I stopped in my tracks. What in the world had made me think about Jake and girls? I shook my head to clear it. My depression over Edward's leaving was clearly impacting my mental health.

"Coming?" I looked up to see Jake waiting, holding the front door open for me. I felt a blush creeping across my cheeks. I quickened my pace and entered the house. Jake tossed my book bag in the corner of the room and went to the kitchen. I stayed in the living room, furiously hoping he hadn't seen the blush and that it would be gone by the time he came back. I never wanted to think about him, my 15-year-old family friend, that way again.

"So did you have anything in mind for today?" Jake yelled from the kitchen. I heard him opening and closing the fridge. He came back to the living room with two cans of Coke, handing me one of them. I set it down on a side table.

"Still not thirsty," I said apologetically, "and I didn't have anything specific in mind. I kind of made the decision to come at the last minute."

"Hmmm," he drained his Coke in a few gulps, then grabbed mine and drained it too, just as quickly. "Well, we could stay here and watch TV, or we can go on a hike, or take a walk on the beach. That was fun the last time you were here!" He smiled and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Any hope of hiding my blush was lost as I felt a new wave of redness wash over my face, remembering how I awkwardly tried to flirt with Jake last spring to get him to share some of his tribe's secret legends.

"The beach sounds good," I said. I figured we might as well take advantage of the nice weather while it was still here.

"Let's go then," he set down the empty can and grabbed my hand to pull me along. Since we had all day, we decided to walk to the beach.

"What have you been doing since we last saw each other, besides growing?" I asked once we were on our way. I needed to get him talking before he could start asking questions, which were bound to be awkward. Absolutely everything I could possibly talk about involved Edward Cullen, and that was a subject I really wanted to avoid.

"You noticed, huh?" Jake seemed pleased.

"I'm not blind. You've had quite the growth spurt."

Jake scowled a bit.

"Yeah, it's kind of a pain. I have to keep buying new clothes and shoes. Money that would be better spent on car parts. But if you like what you see maybe it was all worth it," he winked at me and I blushed again. Apparently Jake's self-confidence had grown along with his muscles. I ignored the innuendo.

"How is your car coming?" I asked instead.

"Not bad, considering. I'm hoping to be done with it by my 16th birthday so I can drive it legally after I get my license."

"That's awesome, Jake," I was genuinely excited for him. "Good luck! I'll expect to be one of the first passengers."

His face lit up.

"Seriously? You got it! It's a date!"

_Oops._ I hoped I didn't make a mistake there. Jake was a nice kid and a good friend, but he was way too young for me even if I was inclined to date anyone, which I definitely was not! Still, this was the kind of statement that would be better left alone for now. No sense bringing down the mood. Besides, Jake probably hadn't meant it like that.

We finally reached the beach. It was more difficult for me to walk in the sand, so we found a piece of driftwood that seemed designed for us to sit and talk.

"So, what's up with you?" He asked. I looked down at my shoes, digging a hole in the sand.

"Not much," I said noncommittally, just in case his question wasn't as pointed as I suspected it was.

"I heard your boyfriend and his family left town," apparently Jake couldn't take a hint.

"Yeah. I guess news travels fast. Billy must be happy. He doesn't have to watch me anymore."

Jake laughed, both of us remembering that awkward conversation at prom.

"Dad has issues. He's so superstitious, believing in those old stories! But you're right – he was happy. Are you OK, though? You seemed really into him," his voice was wistful, as if he hoped I would deny it. I shrugged.

"I'll survive." I said, still looking down at the sand.

I felt Jake's arm sneak around my and pull me closer to him. With anyone else I would have resisted, but with Jake it felt right – just a comforting hug from a friend. We sat together for a long time without speaking before he finally broke the silence.

"Hate to see you hurting, Bella."

I sighed.

"It's no treat for me either, believe me. But I'm sure I'll get over it in time. I just wish I knew what happened. One day he loved me and the next he was telling me I wasn't good enough for him." Did I really just say that out loud? Ugh! What was it about Jake that made me confess my darkest secrets?

"What?" Jake pulled away and pulled my face up to look at him. "Are you kidding me? That scuzzball actually had the nerve to say you weren't good enough for him? Man, I wish he was still in town. I'd love to punch his lights out!" He cracked his knuckles in what I'm sure was intended as a threatening manner. Of course, I knew Jake could never come close to actually hurting Edward, he with his superhuman strength and rock-like body, not to mention his speed and ability to fend off attacks simply by reading his opponents' minds. I was glad Edward wasn't around. No confrontation between him and Jake could end well for my La Push friend. Still, I was flattered by the sentiment.

"Thanks, Jake. I really appreciate the thought. But he's long gone and violence is not the answer anyway. Besides, you'd mess up my cunning plan. I think I managed to convince Charlie and everyone at school that our break-up was mutual. So mum's the word on what I told you today, OK?"

"Sure, sure," Jake said, though he still looked like he was looking for a fight. I needed to distract him, so I stood up and suggested we go back to his house to grab lunch and do some homework.

The rest of the day with Jake was great. He was so easy to get along with and we spent time finishing our homework before we went to the garage where we talked while he worked on his car. We talked about his sisters, about Renee, about his friends on the reservation. Without even trying he re-oriented my thoughts away from anything connected with Edward. For a few hours Edward's prediction had come true – it was as if he'd never existed.

When Charlie and Billy came back we all had dinner together and then we watched a game on TV. I wasn't really into the game, of course, but I enjoyed the evening nevertheless. For some strange reason it felt like a family holiday, like Thanksgiving. I realized that Billy and Jacob were an extension of our family. They cared about me just as much as Charlie did. Billy had even tried to warn me about Edward. I knew he had been worried about worse pain than the one I felt now, but I couldn't help thinking that had I only listened to his advice last May, things might be very different now. As it was, now that Edward was out of the picture, we could all hang out together more frequently. The thought made me really happy!

Of course, as I suspected, those great feelings I had at Billy's house couldn't last forever. As soon as we came back home and I was in my room, alone, all of the feelings of inadequacy and abandonment came rushing back in. I tried to change my mood by listening to loud, obnoxious music, but the volume couldn't drown out my self-doubt. I'd never known my body could produce so many tears, but I wept the same way I had that very first night.

**

* * *

**

When I started writing this story I wasn't sure if Jake should be a part of it, but I found that I couldn't exclude him. One way or another, Jacob simply has to be a part of Bella's life. But this Jake will be different from Jake in New Moon.

**I look forward to reading your thoughts, insights and opinions in the reviews. **


	6. Chapter 6: Training

**Thanks so much for the feedback on the last chapter. I'm glad you all like Jake being part of this story. And now, as promised, back to Jasper.**

**All the characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. **

**

* * *

**

Chapter 6: Training

The next few days passed much in the same way. I tried to spend as little time as possible in my bedroom, which never failed to make me feel sad. Otherwise, I just did my chores and homework, went to school and work, and generally tried to keep up my false front.

I was super grateful to Angela. When I told her about my Mike problem, she quickly solicited Ben's help and, between the two of them, there was absolutely never a time I was alone at school. When I wasn't working I did homework with Angela and Ben too. I felt awful intruding on all their alone time together, but Angela assured me it was fine and that she knew I would have done the same for her if our roles were reversed. Ben seemed happy to do whatever Angela wanted, so I went along selfishly, knowing this was exactly what I needed to keep me from thinking about Edward.

Angela couldn't help me at work, but it was still the busy season, so I managed to avoid spending time alone with Mike. Sometimes I could see his frustration and I felt badly for working so hard on foiling his plans. Mike was a good guy and he made me laugh, but I simply was not ready right now to consider him as anything more than a friend. So while I was working I was the world's most attentive employee to all the customers and I made sure to leave as soon as my shifts were over, leaving no time for dangerous chit-chat.

As the week wore on and Thursday was closer and closer, my level of nervousness increased. I was angry with myself for agreeing to see Jasper. Though I still cried myself to sleep nightly, I felt that I was making a bit of progress and I worried that seeing him and being in his house would bring back all sorts of unwelcome memories. Still, I made a promise, and I owed it to him to at least make an effort once. If it turned out really badly I would simply tell him that I couldn't come back.

School really dragged on Thursday, giving me lots of time to get worked up about seeing Jasper. I remembered how uncomfortable I felt the last time I saw him and how little we had in common. I really didn't know him at all. Other than those few days in Phoenix last spring, we barely even spoke to one another. He had always been polite with me, but also a bit withdrawn. I always had this feeling that he was tolerating my presence to make Alice happy. To me, that was his single redeeming value. However he acted towards me, I knew that his universe revolved around keeping Alice safe and happy, and that counted for something.

At lunch I let Angela and Ben know that I would not be joining them after school. Angela looked at me quizzically, but she must have seen something in my face that made her accept my decision without protest. Ben couldn't quite hide his excitement at the prospect of an afternoon alone with Angela, which made me happier about my decision.

After school I gathered up my books and headed out to my truck. I gave myself one last mental pep-talk before driving out to Jasper's house.

The front door opened as I was pulling up the drive, and Jasper walked out onto the porch. He wasn't smiling, exactly, but there was something in his face that made him look just a little more welcoming than last Friday. He was wearing a light blue denim shirt tucked into a pair of black jeans and the outfit somehow made him look younger, more relaxed. _He definitely doesn't look like grandpa Jasper_, I thought, and giggled. As if in response, his face broke into a grin. _Drat_. I knew he couldn't read my mind, but his ability to read my emotions was almost worse. It was as if he could see right into my soul.

I parked the truck, turned off the engine, and got out.

"Hey, Jasper," I called, a bit of apprehension returning. His grin faltered.

"Hey, Bella," he responded, "Glad you were able to make it. Come on in."

As before, he entered the house well ahead of me, leaving that safety zone between us. I followed and closed the door behind me.

Inside, I was surprised to see the living room shades lifted.

"Isn't that a little dangerous?"

His eyebrow lifted in silent question.

"I just mean, aren't you worried that someone will see that you're here?"

"Not really," he said easily, "I can sense it if anyone is around and hide fairly quickly. Besides, even if someone saw me, I'm an adult living in my parents' home. Nothing to cause anyone concern."

"The truth is," he continued, "the curtains were there to keep just one person from seeing inside – you. Once I made my decision to let you know I was here, they became superfluous."

I considered this for a moment. So there was a time when he wasn't certain he would let me know he was in here. I wondered how he made his decision, but this didn't seem like the right time to ask.

"Are you hungry or thirsty?" he asked. "I didn't want you to be uncomfortable so I got some human food." I followed his gaze to the kitchen, where the counter was stocked with a variety of beverages and snacks.

"What did you do, hold up a 7-11? There's enough food here to feed a football team."

He looked sheepish.

"I didn't know what you liked so I wanted to get a good selection."

I walked to the kitchen and looked through his purchases, grabbing a can of soda and a small bag of chips.

"Thanks, Jasper," I smiled, "This was really thoughtful."

He returned my smile with relief and pleasure, causing my smile to widened. It was so cute how he went out of his way to make sure I was comfortable. And when he smiled he really looked different – kind of carefree. I found myself liking this happy Jasper.

Then a thought struck me.

"Wait a second. Did you go shopping for all this in Forks?"

If he was seen around Forks my father would undoubtedly hear about it, not to mention Jessica and her mother, and there would be all sorts of questions. It could make things really messy!

"No," he answered quickly, sensing the direction of my thoughts. "I went to Port Angeles."

"Oh. You really didn't have to do that for me."

"I wanted to. Plus the trip was part of my new training."

"Training?"

"Yeah . . . Would you like to sit?"

I pulled out one of the kitchen bar counter stools and settled in. I opened my soda and chips and had some of each. Jasper stood towards the other end of the kitchen.

"You were going to tell me about the training."

I wasn't about to get distracted. He looked a bit uncomfortable.

"I decided to work on improving my ability to interact with humans."

I heard him, but I didn't understand.

"You interacted with humans every day when you were in high school."

"That was different. At school I was always with my family and they monitored my behavior," his tone left no doubt that he resented being monitored. As if realizing he revealed too much, he quickly continued, "It was a great help. Between Edward and Alice's powers I always knew when to avoid particularly dangerous or tempting situations, and Emmet could always step in if things went really wrong. . ."

_Like at the birthday party_, I thought. I saw him look down and then back up at me and I knew his thoughts just echoed mine.

"But because the others are always around, it's been a long time since I've had any interactions with humans as an individual. So when everyone else left I decided to stay behind and see if I could handle human contact on my own," his eyes searched my face for understanding and I gladly gave it. I knew exactly how he felt.

"Edward always tried to shelter me as well. It was fine at first, flattering even. And let's face it, I am a disaster magnet, so some sheltering is not a bad thing. But it was also a bit stifling at times, especially when he overreacted. My dad used to say 'you'll never really learn how to ride a bike until the training wheels come off.' It's kind of like that. We can't learn if we're not allowed to make mistakes."

There was genuine relief on his face.

"It's not that I don't understand why they do it," he said. "In my case a mistake would be fatal, at least for the human, and it would obviously have repercussions for our family."

"Sure. I get that. Fortunately my mistakes only seem to bring harm to me, so it's easier to argue for letting me make them, but still . . ."

"Exactly!"

We were both silent for a while.

"Do they know you're in training?" I asked, then immediately felt foolish.

"Alice probably had some visions, but we're deliberately not in contact. Though I'm sure she would let me know if she saw something really terrible happen."

Of course Alice would have seen it all. Which means that the training will be a success! I wondered how long it would take for the training to be over for Jasper to return to the rest of the Cullens. I pushed that thought aside. I didn't really want to dwell on the fact that he was only here temporarily. He could never replace the empty hole left by Edward, but he was a member of Edward's family, a family I once hoped would become my family as well, and this was better than being completely alone.

"So what exactly does your training involve?" I asked, curiously.

He pulled the fingers of his right hand through his hair to get it out of his eyes and leaned back against the kitchen counter. I knew the mannerisms were for my benefit – it's not like he ever needed to change positions to be comfortable-- but I appreciated him signaling to me that he was quite relaxed.

"I thought I'd start with hunting daily and spending some time in public in Port Angeles. I went to the store," he gestured towards the snacks on the counter, "and to the library. The library was much easier – fewer people, calmer emotions and more distractions."

"So you were able to hang out in Port Angeles without any slip-ups or urges?"

"Not exactly."

My head shot up in alarm.

"I mean, there were no slip ups," I relaxed a little, "but there were definitely urges. Fortunately I wasn't thirsty, so I was able to stay in control. But I'm afraid my plan is going to take some time. As I go on I hope to build up my tolerance and go to busier places for longer periods of time. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen." He was absolutely determined.

"It sounds like a good plan," I said. I ate some more chips and drank more soda. "So am I part of the training too?"

He smiled again.

"Sort of. Interacting with you one on one in close proximity is good training, but mostly I just wanted to get to know you better, as a friend."

I finished my chips and soda and pulled away from the counter to find the trash can. As soon as I closed the distance between us he stiffened and pulled himself up away from the counter, ready to spring in the opposite direction. I froze, understanding that I breached some invisible boundary, placing both of us in danger.

We eyed each other wearily for a moment and I started to feel ridiculous. This was Jasper. He wouldn't hurt me. I just got too close and made him feel uncomfortable. No problem. I was used to dealing with this every time I got too close to Edward. Granted, the "safety zone" with Edward had been a lot smaller, but he had a lot of time to get used to being close to me. In any case, I knew exactly what I had to do. I just needed to re-establish the original zone and keep going.

"Right. I'm just going to set these here," I reached to the kitchen counter behind me and deposited the empty can and bag there, "and we can throw them away later." I re-traced my steps backwards, keeping my eyes locked with Jasper's, hoping I wouldn't trip over something on my way back to my seat. The whole thing felt like a weird ritual dance. Miraculously, I managed to stay upright and settled back on the stool. Jasper relaxed and leaned back against the counter. Everything was as if I hadn't moved at all.

"Oops," I said apologetically, "I didn't mean to make you test your self-control like that. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize, Bella. I was fine. I just didn't want you to be uncomfortable."

I guess great minds really did think alike.

"Let's just forget it happened, OK? Can I ask you a question? Please don't be offended, but why do you want to be friends with me now? I never got the impression that you were particularly interested in being friends with me before."

He grimaced.

"Did anyone ever tell you that for a human with no special powers you're entirely too perceptive."

I laughed.

"Sorry, Jasper, but I don't think I need superpowers or even be particularly perceptive to notice that you never asked me any questions or spoke to me or even wanted to be in the same room with me. I mean, everyone else seemed to like me, except Rosalie and you. I kind of figured out why Rosalie hated me, but I never knew with you. Was it because I tricked you in Phoenix?"

As soon as the words came out I cringed internally. Why did I have to bring up that whole episode. What a downer. _Way to kill a good conversation, Bella._ Fortunately, Jasper didn't seem as inclined as Edward to brood every time I mentioned anything even remotely related to James and Phoenix.

"It's not that I wasn't interested in being your friend. It's just that for me real friendship always develops like this, through one-on-one conversations where you can really get to know someone. I knew that Edward and Alice were way overprotective and would never let me be alone with you. They would be much too afraid for your safety. So it was easier to convince myself that I wasn't interested in you at all, on any level, and to stay away from you altogether. That way no one had to watch me to make sure I didn't misbehave.

"But I think that was a mistake," he continued. "Staying away from you actually made me more of a danger to you. I simply wasn't as used to your scent and the sound of your heart and blood. That probably explains in part why my reaction to your paper cut was so much stronger than that of the others."

I nodded in understanding and agreement. I was sure he was right on this point.

"So now, without Alice and Edward around, we can try to be friends?"

He nodded.

"Assuming you want to, of course."

"I think I would like that very much."

**

* * *

**

I'm not sure I'm totally happy with this chapter. I've re-written it at least twice. The original version took a much darker tone, and I thought Bella and Jasper needed to interact in a way that wasn't as serious. But now I wonder if perhaps I went too far in the other direction. Let me know – I appreciate your thoughts and reviews.


	7. Chapter 7: Friendship

**Once again, thanks for everyone's reviews on the last chapter. This one was fun to write. I hope you like it too. **

**All the characters are the property of Stephanie Meyers.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 7: Friendship

Once we established that we both wanted to be friends, the rest came easily. Jasper started asking me questions about my life before coming to Forks and I found myself telling him practically my whole life story. He was a good listener, refraining from interrupting, letting the story unfold on its own. I was reminded of the time Edward and I started to get to know each other, the endless stream of questions where I felt like a subject of a psychology experiment. This was totally different, much more comfortable. I wasn't worried at all about saying the wrong thing. I guessed it was because I wasn't in love with Jasper, and didn't feel like I had to impress him or measure up to some standard.

I had just started telling Jasper about how Renee and Phil met when my eyes fell on the clock. I panicked. It was so late! Talking with Jasper was so enjoyable I completely lost all track of time, and now I would barely have enough time to get home and heat up leftovers for Charlie. Jasper sensed the change in my emotions."

"Are you OK?" he asked, knowing I wasn't.

"It's really late. I have to go."

His face clouded over as he looked at the clock.

"I'm sorry Jasper, but I really can't tell Charlie that you're back and I'm spending time here with you. He wouldn't understand. And I don't want to lie to him, so I have to get home before he does."

I scrambled off the stool and walked quickly to the door.

"Will you come back next week?" I heard him ask. He was trying to sound casual, but there was a hint of anxiety in his voice as well, as if he expected me to say no.

"I'll be back, Jasper." I yelled over my shoulder, running to my truck. I hated to leave so abruptly, but there was no time to waste. As it was I was going to be pushing my truck to the limit to beat Charlie home.

I was lucky. Charlie was delayed at work so I had enough time to prepare dinner and didn't have to explain anything. After dinner I cleaned up and pulled out my books, settling down at the kitchen table to do my homework while Charlie watched TV in the living room. After a great afternoon with Jasper, I really did not want to go up to my depressing room.

Charlie came into the kitchen to grab a beer and looked at me funny, but didn't say anything or ask any questions.

I was done with my homework by 8 – too early to go to bed even if I hadn't minded going upstairs. I chopped up some vegetables for a stew I was going to cook tomorrow and wondered what to do next. Completely out of ideas, I went to the living room and joined Charlie on the couch. After a moment I moved closer to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. He looked at me in surprise.

"Everything all right, Bella?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dad. It's just . . ." I hesitated. How much could I tell him before he guessed the truth? I decided to risk it. "I miss him." It was weird to talk about this with Charlie, but it was strangely comforting too.

"Do you want to give him a call? Don't worry about the long distance charges . . ."

I shook my head vehemently.

"No!" I said, maybe a little too strongly. "I don't want to call him." _And he definitely does not want to hear from me._

"Okay, Bells. I just wanted you to know you could."

"Thanks."

After a few minutes of silence, Charlie tried again.

"What about this dating other people? Maybe that would help?"

I looked at him glumly.

"Not ready, yet, huh?" I shook my head

He put his arm around my shoulder and hugged me to him. I didn't shift away from him, enjoying the physical contact. I realized that he, of all people, knew exactly what it was like to be left behind by someone he loved. As if sensing my thoughts, Charlie said.

"It does get easier, Bells. Just give it some time."

I nodded mutely. I knew he was right. He spoke from experience, after all. But it didn't make it any less painful. Even though he had hurt me so badly, I was still in love with Edward Cullen, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wanted to be able to forget him as he had clearly forgotten me. But my heart betrayed me. How would I ever be able to trust it again?

And then I realized that maybe I never would. Maybe I was exactly like my dad, who had never gotten over his one true love. My mother had left him, saying horrible things to him, then went on to date and eventually marry another man, and yet he still loved her and wasn't able to move on. What if that was my destiny as well? Forever pining for the perfect man I fell in love with, who felt I wasn't good enough for him. Only the fact that Charlie was sitting next to me helped me keep my composure.

We sat together watching TV all night. Finally, when the news was over, Charlie stood up.

"Time for bed, Bells. It's a school night."

I didn't want to go to bed. I already knew how that was going to end and I was not eager to repeat the experience.

"I'll stay up a little longer, Dad," I said. There's someone on Letterman that I really want to see."

Charlie looked skeptical, but in the end he didn't argue.

"All right, but make sure you get enough rest."

"Definitely," I said.

I wasn't at all interested in the TV program, but I kept it on to keep up the pretense. Instead of watching, I went over my afternoon visit with Jasper. It was nothing like I had expected it to be and I was shocked to find that I actually had a good time. Surprisingly, it was almost as easy to talk with him as with Jake and maybe even easier, because Jasper knew all about Edward and vampires. I didn't have to hide anything from him. To think that we could have become friends long ago and had this great rapport the whole time Edward and I were dating. I found myself angry with Alice and Edward for being so overprotective. Maybe if they'd had more confidence in Jasper, all this nonsense with the paper cut could have been avoided and we all would still be together.

I was tired and was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. But I definitely did not want to go upstairs to cry. I grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and draped it over me, resting my head on a pillow. My eyelids felt heavier and heavier as I struggled to pay attention to the actor being interviewed on the show. At some point, my battle with my eyelids was lost, and I drifted off to sleep, no tears in sight!

The next morning I woke up to Charlie gently shaking my shoulder.

"Time to get ready for school, Bella," he said.

I was still tired and groggy, but I roused myself enough to make it to the upstairs bathroom. The shower woke me up completely and soon I was ready to go. I quickly put a hunk of meat into the slow cooker, along with the vegetables I had cut the night before. _Way to go, Bella, you must have some fortune teller in you! _I had to work tonight, but this way dinner would be ready when Charlie came home. There wasn't enough time left for breakfast, so I grabbed a granola bar and headed off to school.

My morning classes passed quickly and before I knew it I was walking with Ben and Angela to the cafeteria. We sat at our usual table filled with the rest of our friends. Everyone was excitedly talking about their weekend plans, but I tuned them out. I kept thinking about my afternoon yesterday with Jasper, how much fun it had been and how I hated to wait a whole week before seeing him again. I was so lost in thought that when I saw the faces of my friends looking at me expectantly, waiting for an answer, instead of asking them to repeat the question I just said, "Sure." The look of disbelief on Angela's face instantly alarmed me. _Oh ho, Bella, what mess did you get yourself into now?_

I couldn't very well ask Angela at the lunch table, but as soon as the bell rang I pulled her over to the side.

"What, Angela? What did I just agree to?"

"You mean you don't know? You just answered even though you weren't paying attention? That wasn't very smart." Angela's disapproval was all too obvious.

"I know, but I was lost in thought and I didn't want people to ask me what I had been thinking. I didn't think it was anything important."

"It's not important, really. You just agreed to see a movie Saturday night with Jessica, Lauren, Tyler, Eric and Mike."

I groaned. She couldn't be serious, yet I saw in her face that she very much was.

"Oh, Angela, this is a disaster!"

"I figured you might feel that way. I was all set to feed you an excuse, but then you just answered and there was nothing I could do."

"Thanks for trying to look out for me. It's not your fault I'm such an idiot. I guess I just have to live with the consequences. Did they decide on what movie?"

Angela named the title and explained that it was a romantic comedy. I groaned. This was getting worse and worse!

"Well," I said dejectedly, "What's done is done. I guess I have until tomorrow night to figure out how to deal with this. For now we'd better get to class before we're both late."

I walked into the class just as the bell rang, earning a disapproving glance from the teacher. I slid into my seat, took out my book and notebook, and concentrated on not looking around. I pulled my hair down around my face like a curtain to further separate myself away from the other students. Mike was in this class and I suspected right now he would have a silly grin on his face that would only make me feel worse.

This had been such a monumental mistake on my part. How could I let it happen after all these days of being so careful? At least it was a group outing and not a date, but considering the people involved I knew I would be miserable. Lauren had always hated me and Tyler had never forgiven me for what happened at last year's prom, even though none of that was my fault. Eric was pretty harmless on his own, but he tended to follow Tyler's lead and Jessica would most likely be mad at me for being paired up with her ex. That left exactly one person in my corner for the night, Mike, and that was the last person I wanted there. I knew he would be polite, funny, nice, that he would step up to defend me if any of the other four tried to say anything to hurt my feelings, and I also knew that he would place much more significance on this outing than the rest of us would, possibly seeing it as a first step to a new level of relationship with me. I groaned. I needed to talk to someone about all this, to figure out what to do. I really needed a friend, a guy friend, who would give me a different perspective; teach me how to walk that fine line where I could be friendly but not encouraging. I had clearly failed last year with Tyler, so I knew I needed help.

I briefly considered driving out to La Push to talk to Jake, but he was too young and inexperienced. Talking to Ben was out of the question – he was close with the rest to the guys and I couldn't afford of that type of a conversation to get back to them. Jasper might have been helpful, but I wasn't going to see him until next week when it was too late.

The bell rang and I realized I had been lost in my thoughts the entire class period. Terrific! Now I would need to borrow notes and find out the homework assignment from someone. At least that part would be easy, since Ben was in the class with me. I made a mental note to call him tomorrow.

For the rest of the afternoon I made sure I paid attention in class. I couldn't help but notice, more than once, that I had been right about Mike. In every class we had together his face was fixed with a permanent smile, and he kept trying to catch my eye. When our eyes did meet once, he winked at me, causing me to look away instantly and a blush to spread to my cheeks. _Great. That would only reinforce his wrong impression._

Of course, I knew that the worst was still to come. A Friday evening shift at the Newton's store. Even during a busy season Fridays were pretty light. Most of those inclined to buy outdoors gear would already be out enjoying the weekend. I would have to be extra creative to avoid Mike.

For once my luck held. The store was slow, really slow, and Mike's mom was working. Mrs. Newton may not have looked like she belonged in an outdoor outfitter store, but she watched the bottom like line a hawk. As soon as she realized how light the customer traffic was, she offered to let me have the night off. Ordinarily my need to add to my college fund would have overridden my desire for a free evening, but today all I wanted was to get out of having to spend time alone with Mike. He looked absolutely crestfallen as I took his mother up on her offer and made a beeline for my truck.

I started driving without thinking, and it took me a couple of minutes to realize that I wasn't on my way home. Instead, I found myself pulling off the road onto the drive that most people passed by without noticing, and driving up to the Cullen house.

I put my truck in park, but didn't get out. I wasn't sure what to do next. I hadn't called ahead and Jasper wasn't expecting me today. What if he wasn't home? What if he was home, but didn't want to see me? What if he hadn't hunted? Indecision was gnawing at my insides. I should have just gone home.

_But you didn't go home, Bella_, I silently argued with myself. _You're here, so you might as well try to see him. What's the worst that can happen? _I made sure I didn't answer that last question. The worst that could happen was no longer a possibility, I hoped.

I turned off the ignition and opened the door. As if on cue, the front door to the home opened as well.

"Bella," Jasper said, "I'm glad you decided to stay."

**

* * *

**

**So did you enjoy it? I know, I'm terribly mean to Bella for setting her up with Mike like that, but at this point in the story we need a mini conflict and a reason to take her back to Jasper ('cause don't we all want the two of them together as much as possible?) ;-)**

**Reviews and critiques always welcome and appreciated!**


	8. Chapter 8: Advice

**I'm afraid some of you may be disappointed with this chapter. Just remember, it's only been 9 days since Edward left and Jasper decided to stay behind to see if he could resist human blood without his family's help. **

**The characters all belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 8: Advice

Jasper looked genuinely happy to see me and I realized I was thrilled to see him. Was it possible that we had only agreed to try to be friends yesterday? I felt like I was visiting someone I had known forever.

I practically ran to the house, causing Jasper to laugh out loud.

"Miss me that much, huh?" he teased. I noticed in passing that for once he didn't go into the house first and he didn't shrink away from me when I passed him on the way in.

"As a matter of fact I did," I said, surprising him and myself. "But don't get a big head," I quickly added. "It's just you're the only person I don't have to lie to and this is the only place I can really be myself. Plus, I need your advice."

I turned back to look at him and noticed that he still left a few feet between us. It was a smaller distance than yesterday, though, so he was clearly making progress. I was really happy for him, knowing how much he needed to prove that he could exercise sufficient self-control on his own.

His face was full of curiosity and he looked like he was about to ask a question when we both heard my stomach growl loudly. I suddenly remembered how little I ate at lunch as I was day dreaming about my last visit with him. The thought absolutely mortified me, and I felt my entire face flush with embarrassment.

"Snack time for the human?" he asked. My head snapped up in shock. It was the phrasing that Edward had used all the time, and it brought a sudden flash of pain. I couldn't blame Jasper, though. He must have simply been repeating the words he heard Edward use and didn't realize the impact they would have on me.

"I guess so," I replied slowly and looked accusingly at my stomach, as if it was its fault I hadn't eaten properly today. "Sorry."

"It's no problem, Bella. Hunger is a natural need for all of us. Help yourself," he motioned towards the junk food smorgasbord in the kitchen. I noticed that the brand of soda and chips I chose the previous day had been re-stocked.

"You went shopping again?"

He nodded.

"You didn't have to do that for me, Jasper. All the other stuff is fine."

"I don't mind, Bella. Besides, it's part of the training, remember?"

I did remember, but some part of me wanted to believe that he went back to the store to do something nice for me, not just to test his tolerance of humans.

I didn't like the vain direction of my thoughts, and I needed to get to the reason I came over in the first place, so I grabbed the soda and chips and headed for the living room. The subject of the conversation would be awkward enough, so I might as well make myself as comfy as I possibly could. Jasper followed me. This time, however, he didn't sit in the chair on the other side of the room. Instead, he gracefully folded himself into a cross legged sitting position on the floor, a few feet away from the sofa where I had settled down.

"So what brings you here? I thought you were working tonight?" he asked while I ate my chips and drank the soda. I scrunched up my face in confusion. I didn't remember telling him that I was working tonight, but then my memory was human and, by definition, imperfect. Maybe I had mentioned something yesterday, not that it really mattered.

"It was slow, so Mrs. Newton offered me a night off, and I really needed to talk to you, so I took her up on her offer."

It was his turn to look confused.

"You really needed to talk to me? What about?" he was slightly concerned.

"Well, I did something really dumb today and now I have a big problem and I need some advice on how to handle it."

He continued to look puzzled.

"You did something dumb? Something human?"

I nodded. He continued to look perplexed.

"Let's see if I understand. This is a human problem?"

"Yup."

"And you need my advice?"

"A-ha."

"But Bella, you know I don't really do well with humans. I'm the last person on earth you should go to for advice on human matters."

I sighed.

"I'll admit you're not the ideal person for this, but I really need a guy's perspective."

The change in his demeanor was very subtle, almost imperceptible, but I could swear I saw him tense up a bit.

"Why would you need advice from a guy's perspective?" he asked suspiciously.

I couldn't expect him to help without knowing what happened, so I explained about being distracted at lunch and how I agreed to go to the movies with Mike without realizing what I was doing. I omitted the cause of the distraction, as that was hardly relevant.

"So," he said slowly," you're going on a date with Mike Newton?" his voice was low and not at all friendly. "Isn't that a little too soon?"

Okay, so maybe seeking dating advice form my ex-boyfriend's brother was not the best idea I ever had, but why did Jasper sound so mad? I didn't break up with Edward – he's the one who didn't want me. And beside, it's not like I wanted to go out with Mike – I was a victim of my perpetual bad luck! There was absolutely no reason for the guilt that flooded my system upon hearing his words.

"It's not like that," I snapped. "It's not a date, exactly. More like a group outing to a movie. We're going with Lauren, Tyler, Eric and Jessica."

Again I sensed that nearly imperceptible shift in his demeanor, easing the tension I saw earlier. It reappeared just as quickly as it left.

"So if it's not a date, what's the problem? Why do you need guy advice?"

"It's not a date to me, but I have this bad feeling that Mike would like it to be."

"Yes," Jasper said quietly, "I'm sure you're right. He's wanted that from the first moment he laid eyes on you."

I looked at him sharply. I could only imagine what he had been able to feel from Mike that day and all the rest of my junior year. Of course even I, a non-empath, knew Mike had liked me from the very start and had always hoped he could be more than a friend.

"I know," I said, sadly, "But I never, ever did anything to encourage it. I made sure to never do anything that would make me look like more than a friend. And he has been a good friend throughout, even when I was dating Edward. So I really don't want to hurt him. I just don't know how to make it clear to him that I'm not ready for anything more right now."

I saw another lightning flash of something across Jasper's face; something like disappointment or maybe pain? Before I could identify it, it was gone.

"So how about it? Got any advice? How can I let a guy know that I like him as a friend, but nothing more, without crushing his ego and bruising that friendship?"

I could see he was concentrating now. Probably scanning his endless memory banks for a similar situation, something that would be helpful. I watched as his frown became deeper and deeper, until he finally looked directly into my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wish I could help. I've never had to do what you're going to do. I've been with Alice for so long and before her . . . let's just say before Alice I didn't have any reason to let anyone down gently."

I let out a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding. What he said made perfect sense, but I was still disappointed. I don't know why I had been so certain that Jasper would be able to tell me exactly what to do. Clearly, though, this was not the right subject for him to advise on. The only consolation was that there really wasn't anyone else who would have fit the bill any better. I was on my own.

"I suppose," he continued, and I looked at him in surprise, "that you have to make sure you stay as far away from him as you can physically. I imagine his hormones will be raging after such a prolonged period of latent attraction, and it will make it hard for him to keep his hands off you."

I gasped. Whatever else he was or wasn't, Mike was a gentleman. He would never . . .

"Relax, Bella. You don't need to defend his character. I didn't mean it like that. I know he would never do anything against your will, but he may try something without asking. Nothing too excessive or out of norm – probably just a kiss. But that would make you uncomfortable and if you rejected him it would crush him, so it's best not to even give him the opportunity to try."

"Um, OK. Keep a safe distance from Mike so there's no chance of kissing. Check. Got any other ideas?"

"Sometimes you can disrupt a couples dynamic if you add another person into the mix. Is that a possibility? Could you invite someone else to go with you, to make the whole thing feel less like a triple date and more like a group?"

I bit my lip anxiously. Jasper was on to something with this last idea. Inviting someone else might work, but who?

"I could go with you, if you'd like," he offered, as if reading my mind. "In addition to changing the dynamic I could calm Mike down if I felt him getting too . . . amorous."

I couldn't suppress a smile at Jasper's choice of words. I figured I knew what other adjectives he had considered and rejected until he settles on the more neutral choice.

I thought about Jasper's offer. It made sense to have him with us. His power could indeed prove quite useful. But was he ready for that kind of human exposure? He had only been training for a little while. He still didn't even feel comfortable enough to sit next to me and we were going out tomorrow night. What if he couldn't handle it? What if someone got hurt? No, it was better to endure an actual date with Mike than to take that kind of risk with Jasper's newfound resolve.

"No," I shook my head. "I don't think that would work. It would be too hard to explain your return to Forks without your family. And it would start too many questions about Edward."

I kept thinking, but no one else came to mind. The only other people I could think of were Ben and Angela, and while I would have loved to have them along, they came as a couple, so they would do nothing to disrupt the date dynamic. In fact, as in love as they were with one another, they would probably make things worse.

"Short of asking Charlie, I can't think of anyone to invite tomorrow. Good idea, Jasper, but I'm afraid it won't work."

We were both silent for a while as we tried to think of other ideas. Finally he spoke.

"You could tell him the truth, Bella. Explain that you're not over Edward and that you need more time. Newton's a good kid and he's very protective of you. He would understand."

He made it sound so simple, but it wasn't. First, it would require me to admit to one of my friends that I had lied about being OK with the break-up and I wasn't sure if I could make myself that vulnerable. Second, my friendship with Mike was not the same as my friendship with Jasper, so I wasn't even sure I could talk to him about Edward without causing supreme awkwardness for us both.

"Maybe," I allowed, not wanting to reject the suggestion outright. "I'll have to see how it goes." My stomach complained again, loudly, and I reached for the chips and soda. Eating made me feel better. Maybe I was stressing over nothing?

I looked at my watch and bit my lip. I didn't have much time before my "shift" at Newton's was over and I had to go home.

"You could always cancel. Make up an excuse. Fake an illness. Get home late tonight and get grounded. That would be the easiest way to avoid any unpleasant situations."

I sighed. This was a tempting option, but it would require even more lying. And I really didn't want to get grounded. If I was grounded, how would I come back to visit Jasper?

"Whatever happens tomorrow, Bella, it will be all right. It's just one movie, not the end of the world."

Easy for him to say. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms tightly around my midsection. This was all so horrible. Maybe staying in Forks had been a bad idea. Meeting new people couldn't possibly be as bad as this.

More silence, and then I heard him say in a low, hesitant voice.

"Would you like me to call Alice and ask her to look into the future for you? Help you figure out what to do?"

I glanced up at him, filled with hope, but my excitement faded as I saw how miserable he looked. He was willing to call Alice for me, but he clearly wasn't looking forward to it. I wondered why he didn't want to speak with his wife. I imagined they missed each other terribly. Then I remembered what he'd said the day before – they had agreed to stay out of contact. I had no idea of the reason behind this decision, but it was obvious that Jasper was not happy at the prospect to of speaking with Alice.

No matter what his reason, I couldn't ask him to break the communication silence and call Alice for something as stupid as the outcome of a pseudo date. Besides, knowing how close Alice was with Edward, she would surely disapprove of my decision to go out tomorrow as much as Jasper had, and I really didn't want to go through the explanation again. And what if after all the explanations Alice saw something that was horrible. Maybe just this once I would be better off not knowing what the future held.

"That's OK," I murmured. "I think I'd rather not know. Like you said, it's only a movie."

Jasper was looking down at the floor. It felt like he was deliberately avoiding my eyes.

"I'm really sorry I involved you in all this, Jasper. I bet you were looking forward to a quiet evening, and I had to go mess it all up with my human melodrama. I shouldn't have come."

"Bella, stop!" he nearly shouted, his voice laced with frustration. Then, voice calmer but still tinged with irritation. "We're friends, right?"

"Right," I was surprised at his tone and not quite certain where he was going, but the hard quality of his voice sure had my attention.

"Well, isn't this what friends are for? They stop by when they have problems and ask each other for advice and listen to one another, right?

"Right," I was still hesitant. This was the first time Jasper had ever been angry with me.

"Look, I know better than anyone how much you love a pity party, and I'm not saying that you're not entitled to one after all that's happened in the last two weeks. And I'm totally willing to be there, to listen, and to do whatever it takes to make you feel better about yourself again, because you need that and you deserve that. But I can't handle you apologizing for turning to me in friendship. It pisses me off! I can't believe you'd think spending another night alone would be preferable to talking with you and trying to help you. If I felt that way I would be a first class jackass instead of a friend. Do you really think so little of me?"

In one swift and fluid movement Jasper rose and walked away to stand by the window and look out at the forest beyond the clearing. I felt horrible.

"No, Jasper. Of course I don't think that. You've been a great friend."

I wanted to go over and touch him, put my hand on his shoulder, something to let him know how much his friendship meant to me, but I knew that would only infringe on his space and make things worse. So I stayed where I was, unable to do anything.

"Then please, Bella, let this be the last time you apologize for treating me as you would any other friend. Give me some credit, Okay? And stop beating yourself up because I hate when anyone does that to the people I care about."

"I'll try," I whispered. I was stunned. I didn't think Jasper had all these emotions in him.

"Good," he said, "try really hard."

"Jasper?" I asked after another long silence.

"Yes?"

"Thank you. I both needed and deserved that," I said, echoing his earlier words.

He chuckled.

"Yeah. Yeah you did. And you're welcome. Just don't give me a reason to do it again."

**

* * *

**

So this was a bit of a twist. Please don't hate me for Jasper's exasperation with Bella. He hates the thought of Bella going out with Mike, but he doesn't quite understand why yet. That plus thinking of Alice was enough to put him in a less than patient frame of mind. And besides, Bella really did need that mental slap, right?

**Love it or hate it? Leave a review!**


	9. Chapter 9: Knight in Russet Armor

**Something funny happened on the way to the movies. The characters once again took over the story and ran with it in a direction I did not anticipate. This was supposed to be the big date chapter, but it was running a little long and I figured I should break it up into two parts. So I hope you enjoy this today, and I'll try to upload the actual date tomorrow.**

**As we all know, the characters all belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 9: Knight in Russet Armor

Now that the tension between us was gone, I wanted to stay and keep talking, but it was getting late and Charlie would be wondering where I was if I didn't get home soon. Before I left, Jasper handed me a piece of paper with a phone number. He hadn't written down a name.

"This is my cell, Bella. I always have it with me and it's always on. If you ever need to talk or if you need help, any time, day or night, call me, okay? "

I promised I would and carefully tucked the piece of paper into my wallet.

When I got home Charlie asked if I wanted to go back to LaPush with him the next day. I was torn. I wanted to go back, but I had my plans tomorrow night and didn't want Charlie to have to cut his day short to bring me back. I explained about the movie and thought I saw a hint of satisfaction in his eyes, which prompted me to roll mine.

"It's not a date, dad. Just hanging out with friends." I made sure to emphasize the plural.

"I know, Bells. I'm just glad to see you get out. It'll be good for you to spend time with your friends."

I didn't comment further. It was no use. Charlie was entitled to his opinion.

I went upstairs to change for bed, but didn't go to my room. Instead, I grabbed the pillow and blanket off my bed and headed back downstairs. Charlie eyed me suspiciously.

"What are you doing?"

"I want to watch Letterman tonight," I said, "And I just thought I'd be prepared in case I fall asleep again."

"Something wrong with your bedroom?"

"Nope," I shook my head, "Except there's no TV in it."

Charlie reluctantly let it go and headed upstairs. Since it wasn't a school night, he really had no reason to object. Once again, I forced myself to stay awake until exhaustion finally took its toll.

The next day I woke up to the sounds of Charlie fixing breakfast in the kitchen. I was tired and sore, but at least my eyes didn't sting and I felt a bit more in control of my emotions. I took off the quilt, got up and padded to the kitchen.

"Morning, dad"

"Morning, Bells. How about some waffles?" Charlie was taking a couple of frozen waffles from the toaster. They smelled pretty good and I realized I was still starving. I had forgotten to eat dinner the previous night. I popped two more waffles into the toaster and poured myself some orange juice. Just then, the phone rang. Charlie reached for the receiver.

"Hello," He listened to the caller's introductions. "Yes, she's right here, Mike. Just a moment." He handed me the phone, mouthing the word "Newton," as if the person on the line could have been anyone else.

"Hey Mike, what's up?" I wondered why he was calling. Wasn't seeing me later tonight enough?

"You left too quickly last night to finalize our plans for tonight," I cringed and looked at Charlie to see if he could hear Mike. He was trying to appear nonchalant, but I could tell he was listening. Great! All I needed now was for Mike to talk about my not working last night.

I left the kitchen and walked into the living room, as far as the fully stretched phone cord would allow.

"Um, yeah. Sorry about that," I mumbled.

"We're still on, right? I mean, you're still coming?" I couldn't believe it! Here was my chance. He was giving me the perfect opening to get out of this thing. Why wasn't I prepared for this? What should I say?

"Bella?" He was starting to sound anxious and I still had no excuse. Plus, what would I tell Charlie. He looked so hopeful when I told him I was going out tonight.

"I'm here," I said, resigned to my fate. "And I'm still going tonight. What's the plan?"

I could hear Mike's sigh of relief and I realized how anxious he had been at the possibility that I might back out. And still, despite the anxiety, he had given me the choice. Knowing how kind he was being to me and how much he was looking forward to tonight's outing filled me with an overwhelming sense of guilt.

I didn't have time to dwell on the guilt, though, because I needed to concentrate on the plans Mike was trying to convey to me, unaware of my internal struggle. He would pick up the others first and I would be the last stop before we drove to Port Angeles to see the 7:00 p.m. movie. After the movie we would go get something to eat before coming home. I told him about my curfew and he assured me we would be home before then. It all sounded so routine – just an average Saturday night in an average teen's life. For me, it would be an endless evening of dread and worry.

"Okay, Bella, see you at 5:30," Mike said, brightly. "I'm really looking forward to it."

"Sure, Mike," I said weakly, "See you later."

I went back to the kitchen and hung up the phone. Charlie had taken my waffles out of the toaster and put them on the plate.

"All set for tonight?" he asked.

"Yup," I replied, dourly. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do less. Even the thought of spending the evening alone in my room sounded better. And the prospect of sitting home alone all day thinking and dreading tonight wasn't helping. Suddenly, I had an idea.

"Dad, I can't stay all day, but would it be all right if I went to LaPush this morning? Even if Jake's busy, I could hang out at the beach. You know, get some fresh air before the weather turns bad."

"Great idea, Bells," Charlie said. "We can take separate cars. I have to go now, but I'll let Jake know you'll be coming out later."

"Thanks," I dove into my waffles and ate them quickly, washing them down with the orange juice. I grabbed my pillow and quilt before running upstairs to shower and change. By the time I was ready to leave, I was in a much better mood.

About half an hour later I pulled up to Billy's house. I hoped Jake would be there, but I wasn't counting on it. I had brought a book with me to read on the beach, just in case. That turned out to be unnecessary. As soon as I parked the truck and got out, the front door opened and Jake ambled out to greet me.

"Bells! Your dad said you were coming out, but I didn't believe him. Two weeks in a row, must be some kind of a record."

"Well, if you're complaining. . ." I teased.

"Geez, Bells, lighten up! It's nice to have you here. What's on the agenda for today?"

"No agenda. I just wanted to get some fresh air, hang out. I have to be back home by 5:30."

"Yeah, I heard. Big date, huh?

"What? No! How did you know about that?" I asked suspiciously.

"Is it a secret?" Jake asked slyly. "If it is, you probably shouldn't have told Charlie. You know he and Billy gossip like old women."

I groaned. I would have to have a talk with Charlie about keeping my private life private. Jake shrugged.

"I wouldn't worry about it, Bella. I mean, you're old enough to date and you're single. What's the big deal?"

"Ugh!" I was frustrated. "The big deal is that it's not a date!" I said, louder than I intended. "It's just a bunch of people going to a movie together and I want to keep it that way."

Jake leaned casually against the truck.

"You may want to keep it that way, but I bet the guy doesn't. Who is it?"

"Mike Newton."

Jake scrunched up his face.

"Mike Newton, Mike Newton . . ." suddenly his face flashed with recognition, "The guy who was at the beach with you last spring? He's still after you? Persistent!"

I scowled.

"He's a nice guy, a good friend. But I think he wants to be more and it's too soon. I still love Edward," I said, bitterly.

It was Jake's turn to scowl.

"After everything he did to you? What are you, a masochist?"

"Maybe..." my voice trailed off. That was about the only reasonable explanation for what I was feeling.

Jake pushed himself away from the truck and grabbed my hand.

"Come on, let's walk." He said, and I had no choice but to follow. For a few minutes we walked without talking.

"So, what's wrong with you?" He finally asked.

"What's wrong with me?" I was taken aback. "What's wrong with you? Could you be any more rude?"

"Get off it, Bella. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm trying to understand. I mean, the guy dumps you, tells you you're not good enough for him, leaves town, and you still love him? That's not normal!"

I yanked my hand out of his and stopped walking.

"Oh my God! I can't believe I actually came out here to feel better. And I can't believe I trusted you enough to tell you what happened. You know what, Jacob Black? You can just take your opinions and . . ."

"Careful, Bells," he laughed. "You might say something unladylike."

"Ooooh!" I was steaming. "You deserve every unladylike syllable. Stop laughing at me!"

"Can't. You're too funny when you're mad."

"Fine. Keep on laughing, then. The joke's leaving." I turned and started walking back to his house. He caught my hand to stop me. I tried to pull away, but he held fast.

"Wait. I'm sorry. Don't leave, please," He stuck out his lower lip in a pleading pout. I stopped struggling, less in response to his pleading than in realization that the struggle was useless.

"What do you know about what's normal?" I said, quietly, looking at the ground.

"Hey," he said as he placed his free hand on my chin and forced me to look at him, "I didn't mean to hurt you, just to make you mad, to show you what you should be feeling. I knew it was in there somewhere."

"Oh, Jake," I sighed. "I am mad. I'm mad with him and I'm mad at myself for not being over him. But I can't stop feeling what I feel."

"I don't get it," He mumbled.

"That's because you've never been in love. Or maybe because you're a guy. Or maybe because I really am insane."

I wasn't mad anymore and we started walking again.

"I really am sorry, Bella," he said. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"I know, Jake. It's all right."

"No, it's not all right. I was a jerk."

"Yeah," I agreed, smiling, "You were a jerk, an insensitive jerk."

We reached the beach and settled in on the same piece of driftwood we found last time.

He looked at me sideways from beneath beautiful long, black lashes that had no business on a guy's face.

"I'd feel better if you were over him."

"Why?"

"So when he decides to come back you'll be able to handle it and not let him ever do this to you again."

"He's not coming back, Jake."

"What makes you so sure?"

"I just know. He was pretty clear about that."

"One of his brothers is back, you know."

I looked up at him, absolutely shocked.

"How do you know that?"

"I overheard Billy talking with Sam Uley. Sam said he saw him in the forest, near the reservation border." Jake's eyebrows came together in a frown. "Wait, you're not surprised. You knew," he said, accusingly.

Shoot, shoot, shoot! Once again Jake managed to dig out my biggest secrets. If this happened again I would have to stop talking to him altogether. He was dangerous!

"I saw him," no need to mention how many times.

"So, what's he doing here? Are they coming back?"

"No," _Quick, Bella, think of some explanation! _"He's just in town for a while, packing up some stuff they didn't take with them when they left."

"Just him? Why didn't the Doctor come, or the mom?"

"Um, Jasper is taking a year off before he goes to college, so he has time." I was such a lousy liar! Fortunately, Jake wasn't particularly interested in the explanation.

"Whatever, I really don't care. Just as long as they're not coming back."

"Trust me, they're not coming back."

I sighed. I was reminded again that soon Jasper would be gone too, never to return. And then I would never be able to be completely honest with anyone again without them thinking I was off the charts crazy.

Jake looked at me for a minute, his eyes scanning my face like he was looking for something.

"What?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.

"Nothing. I was just wondering if you've forgiven me yet. You know, for earlier."

"Still thinking about it. You were pretty mean. Seems too easy to just forgive you outright."

"All right, Bella. What do I have to do to earn your forgiveness? Want me to run interference for you with that Newton guy, like I did last year?"

It was my turn to laugh. I remembered Mike did not like Jake and me hanging out together at the beach last year, even though it had been totally innocent. And then I stopped laughing and my eyes widened. It was as if someone turned on the lights in a dark room. The solution to my problem was right here.

"Jacob, you're brilliant!"

"I am?" He looked confused.

"Yes, yes you are. Please, please, please tell me you're not busy tonight!"

Jake looked at me like I had grown a second head.

"I was going to hang out with my friends, Quil and Embry. It's nothing I can't get out of, but I thought you had the big date tonight."

"I told you, it's not a date. It's just my friends and me going to a movie, and there's not reason why you couldn't come too."

"Right. No reason other than it would be super awkward, being the uninvited odd man out."

"I'm inviting you, so you wouldn't be uninvited, and as far as being the odd man out, who knows. You might get lucky. Jessica or Lauren might just take a shining to you. As grown up as you look they're bound to look right past your age and straight to your muscles."

"I thought I was supposed to be running interference for you." He frowned, but I could see that the idea of attracting Jessica or Lauren appealed to him."

"You'll do that just by being there. As long as we're not all paired up, I think I can handle Mike. Come on, Jake. You owe me one."

He thought for a bit longer, then his face broke into an easy smile.

"OK, Bells. I guess hanging out one night with a bunch of seniors form Forks can't hurt." He stood up and raised his right hand. "Bella Swan, I solemnly swear to earn your forgiveness by keeping you safe tonight from the roving hands and lips of Mike Newton."

I giggled. My knight in russet armor!

**For those of you who were thinking that Jake would be one of Bella's suitors, it's not that kind of a story. I think this time we'll let him just be a good friend, so when the time comes he can imprint on his soul mate without having any guilty second thoughts. Besides, right about now he's much more useful as a friend. The last thing Bella needs is more love interests. And I like Jake too much to leave him the odd man out.**

**So what do you think about Bella's solution to the date problem? Will Jake coming along be enough to discourage Mike?**

**Reviews and constructive criticism always welcome and most appreciated! **

**If you're really inclined to help, I'd love some feedback on the dialogue. I always struggle with trying to make conversations sound natural, and with giving each character their own "voice". Specific feedback on that would be great, good or bad.**


	10. Chapter 10: Movie Night

**Many thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to review! I hadn't realized how important feedback was until I started posting in this forum. I never would have believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself, but reviews actually do help speed up the writing. :-)**

**Also, for everyone who expressed frustration at not being able to have Jasper's POV, I have felt this frustration as well. In fact, I hadn't realized how hard it would be to write this story from Bella's single POV. But having made that commitment in the beginning, I'm very reluctant to go back on my word. Instead, if you feel I do a good enough job with this story by the time it ends, I may pull a Midnight Sun and re-write it in its entirety from Jasper's POV. But you'll have to let me know how you feel about that later.**

**In the meantime, here's the big movie night.**

**As always, the characters all belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 10: Movie Night

We stayed on the beach for a while, talking about inconsequential stuff. As before, being with Jake was effortless. He was funny, and the stories he told me about his friends made me laugh out loud as I haven't in a long time. We only stopped and went back to his house when we were both faint with hunger.

After lunch we moved the conversation to his garage, where he worked on his car and I watched. I found watching him work absolutely fascinating. The pure pleasure on his face and happiness that radiated from him was enough to affix a permanent smile on my face as well. I was as thrilled as he was when he told me that the repairs were nearly complete.

Jake stopped working around four o'clock so he could shower and change. He tried to cover it up, but I could tell he was a little nervous about going out with my friends. The biggest hint was when he asked me what he should wear – it wasn't something Jake would ordinarily care about. We went through his limited wardrobe choices together, and settled on a simple black T-shirt and jeans. When he came out of the bathroom, freshly showered and wearing the new ensemble, I knew we had made the right choice. The T-shit and jeans fit perfectly, stretching over his overgrown frame to emphasize his muscular physique without being too tight and obnoxious. I knew the other girls would have a hard time keeping their eyes and hands off him.

"Wow, Jake. You look goooood!" I teased.

"You think so, huh?" He said, raising one eyebrow.

"Oh, yeah. You'll drive the girls to distraction and the guys mad with envy."

He shrugged.

"I only have one mission tonight, and that's to keep Mike's paws off you. Anything else is gravy."

I chuckled. We left a note for Billy and Charlie and drove back to my house. I didn't bother showering and only changed my jeans and shoes, which were full of sand from the beach. This was not a night to make any special effort to enhance my appearance.

Jake inhaled an entire bag of potato chips as we waited for Mike. As huge as he was already, I swore I could see him growing in front of my eyes. It was like seeing an evolution of a superhero out of a comic book – simply amazing.

I had a bit of a problem with Jake as I slipped him a $20 bill to take care of his share of the movie and dinner. He put up a good fight, until I reminded him about the car and how his money would be better used for car parts.

"You're doing me a big favor here, Jake, the least I can do is pay. Besides, I have a job, so I can better afford it. And I really want you to finish the repairs so I can go on that ride you promised me!" Reluctantly, he pocketed the cash, giving me a sheepish grin.

As promised, Mike pulled up to the house at 5:30. A shadow crossed his face when he saw that I came out of the house with Jake.

"Hey guys," I said, trying to sound casual, "Do you remember my friend, Jake?"

I could tell by their faces that none of them could. It was no wonder, Jake had changed and matured so much since the spring, he was almost unrecognizable.

"You met him at First Beach in the spring," I prodded. Jessica was the first to put the pieces together.

"Oh yeah, I remember, you were there with your friends. Hi Jake." Her voice was a bit breathless. I stifled a laugh and shot Jake an 'I told you so' look.

"Hey," Jake said, and winked at Jessica. She giggled.

I went through the rest of the introductions.

"Anyway, I was hanging out with Jake today and invited him to go with us. I hope you don't mind," I deliberately directed the question to the group, instead to Mike, who was shooting murderous glares at Jacob. For his part, Jake didn't seem to notice.

"Not at all, right?" Jessica said, "The more the merrier." Mike turned beet red and fumed, but didn't say a word.

I saw that Mike had planned to have me sit in the passenger seat next to him, but Jake's size made it impractical for him to sit anywhere else, so I squeezed in with Jessica and Eric on the bench seat in the very back. The ride to Port Angeles was extremely uncomfortable. Jessica and Lauren didn't seem to notice as they discussed the stars of the movie we were about to see and other equally trivial subjects. Eric and Tyler contributed little to the conversation, both of them watching Jake, cautiously. They didn't seem as uncomfortable as Mike, for which I was glad. Fortunately, Lauren was more interested in Tyler than Jake and Eric wasn't particularly interested in Jessica, so her fascination with Jake didn't seem to bother him much. Mike, however, was a different story. He didn't say a word on the entire drive and even from the back seat I could see the tension in his grip on the steering wheel. Suddenly I felt horribly ashamed and insensitive. It probably would have been more kind to cancel on him this morning than to let him get hopeful and excited about the evening only to crush him when he got to my house. I watched his back wearily, wondering what I could do to salvage the situation without giving him the wrong idea.

Despite being completely ignored by Mike, Jake seemed comfortable. He didn't really participate in Jessica and Lauren's conversation, but on occasion he would turn around and dazzle them with his smile. I had a feeling he was really trying to see how I was doing, for which I was grateful. A couple of times his gaze caught mine and he winked conspiratorially, but the undercurrent of tension in the Suburban was too strong for me to respond in kind.

As we pulled into the parking lot at the movie theater, Mike's demeanor suddenly shifted. He straightened in the driver's seat and relaxed his grip on the steering wheel, as though he had made a decision he had been struggling with during the drive. At first I thought I was the only one who noticed, but then Jake looked back at me with one raised eyebrow, and I knew he had felt it too. I shrugged and sent him a look that told him I had no idea what was going on. We would find out what Mike was up to soon enough.

As we got out of the Suburban, I could see Mike trying hard to shepherd us along so that he and I would be in the back of the group. Jake and I exchanged another glance, and I signaled that this was fine. Mike was not going to try anything in the parking lot.

I knew Mike wanted to talk, so I deliberately slowed my pace to match his, letting the rest of the group walk ahead of us, out of earshot. Mike was clearly uncomfortable, but determined to proceed with his plan.

"So, you and Jake spent the day together?" He asked cautiously, the way you ask questions you don't really want to hear answers to. The unasked question was obvious. In spite of myself, I sought to re-assure him.

"Yeah. His dad and my dad are good friends. He's practically family."

Mike was somewhat relieved, though not completely convinced.

"He looks different than he did last year. What grade is he in, again?"

I smiled slightly. I had a feeling Mike remembered that Jake was younger, but that was hard to believe given how much he'd grown. He overshadowed all three senior boys in our group in terms of height and bulk.

"He's a sophomore, I think. He goes to school on the reservation."

"That's right," Mike brightened considerably. "So he's like a little brother?" He asked hopefully. I smiled again.

"Something like that. Except he's a big flirt."

Mike's face fell a little. The prospect of Jake flirting with me obviously didn't sit well with him.

"So you're not here with him?" He placed emphasis on the word 'with'. "Like, on a date?"

I cringed inside. This must be so hard for him.

"No, Mike. This isn't a date thing, remember? Just a group of friends going to the movies, right? I'm not with anyone." I could almost hear his relief, and I congratulated myself. Jake and I actually managed to convince Mike that it was a good thing this wasn't a date night. I started to hope this could work out well after all.

We were nearing the box office and the first of our group were already buying their tickets. Mike positioned himself in front of me, and I knew he intended to pay for my ticket. I pursed my lips, realizing that he still hadn't gotten the point.

"Hey, Bells." I heard Jake say, "I got one for you, too." He flashed me another conspiratorial grin and handed me a ticket. I let out a soft sigh of relief. Jake was clearly a bit of a mind reader. _Just like Edward!_

The pain that followed the though hit me like a ton of bricks. My face must have betrayed me, because instantly Jake was by my side and his arm snaked around my waist supportively.

"You OK, Bella? What happened?"

I shook my head to clear my mind. I didn't want to think about him right now. I wondered how much time would pass before I could go a day without him invading my life.

"I'm fine, Jake." I said, leaning into him a little for support. "Just a stray thought."

I looked up and my eyes met Mike's. His face was a kaleidoscope of emotion: anger at Jake for foiling his plans; confusion at my sudden mood change; concern for my wellbeing; jealousy and resentment at Jake's support. Reluctantly, I pulled myself away from Jake, so as not to upset Mike further.

"Let's get inside," I said, following the rest of our friends, who were already handing their tickets to the usher. Knowing we were going out to eat afterwards, we passed by the concession stand.

Inside the theater, we decided to all sit in one row. Tyler and Lauren went in first, followed by Eric and Jessica, who grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him behind her. I quickly stepped into the row behind Jake, not giving Mike a chance to sit between us.

We had a little time before the movie started and the house lights hadn't gone down yet. I saw Jessica start a conversation with Jake, forcing him to turn towards her and away from me. Mike leaped at the opportunity to speak with me alone.

"I'm really glad you're here, Bella," his voice was low and he leaned closer to me, presumably to make it look like he was trying to make sure I heard him. As he leaned in I caught a whiff of a strange scent, a mixture of spice and musk. With horror, I realized that he was wearing cologne.

"Sure," I said. "It sounds like a good movie." _Just stick to neutral subjects, Bella._

"You look really pretty tonight. That color looks great on you," I looked down at my shirt with disbelief. Where was he getting these lines? Even I knew pale-skinned, brown-haired and brown-eyed girls did not look their best in beige.

"Thanks," it seemed impolite to laugh at his attempts to flatter me. I glanced over at him. He had obviously taken care with his appearance. His hair was carefully styled to appear casual and he was wearing what appeared to be a new polo shirt and khaki pants. Reluctantly, I said "you look nice too." He had the grace to look embarrassed.

"I'm sorry you had to miss your shift Friday night. Did you do anything fun instead?" Oh, boy. Now we were getting into dangerous territory.

"No," I said, trying to nip that subject in the bud, "not really." The whole stilted conversation would have been funny if I wasn't one of the participants.

"So, did you choose a play to do your English paper on yet?" Poor guy, he was really getting desperate.

"Nope," I decided to throw him a lifeline. English seemed like a safe enough subject. "I'm leaning towards Julius Caesar"

"Oh, Shakespeare, huh? I don't know. Shakespeare and I never got along. I was thinking of Inherit the Wind."

"That's a good choice," I agreed. "Our drama club performed that play in my sophomore year, back in Phoenix. They did a great job."

"Yeah. I guess I like plays that are more modern and American," he said, "ones that I can understand without needing a dictionary." I laughed.

"You have a point. My annotated version of Shakespeare's plays definitely comes in handy. But his plays are so beautiful – they're worth a little extra work." I was enjoying this conversation and I soon found myself turned completely towards Mike, our heads close together as we compared our literary likes and dislikes. It was actually really easy to talk to him, when he wasn't trying to be Casanova. I wondered what other interest we had in common and I actually seriously considered whether some time down the line, when I was really over Edward instead of just pretending to be, there was a chance of Mike and me being more than friends.

Our conversation continued until the lights dimmed and the previews started. The first preview was for a sequel to a popular spy series. The main character was a renaissance man – a great lover and fighter. The preview was sprinkled with several love interests to occupy the spy's time between more perilous assignments. When the preview was over Mike leaned towards me.

"That one looks great, Bella. Would you like to go see it with me when it comes out?"

And there it was. How was it possible that I had not anticipated this moment and allowed myself to be blindsided? And what was I supposed to do now?

Fortunately, the next preview involved fighter jets, and the deafening noise form the speakers precluded any conversation, buying me a few seconds of precious time to gather my thoughts. I realized that I didn't need to get too fancy. Simplicity would be best.

"I don't really care for that series, Mike," I said, nearly sighing out loud with relief at my relatively quick thinking, "Thanks, anyway."

Mike looked like he was going to say something else, but then the opening credits were rolling and I turned away from him, pretending to pay close attention to the movie. I made sure to keep my right hand away from the armrest, just in case Mike had any ideas in that direction. Sometime midway through the movie Jake leaned over and whispered in my ear "Everything all right over there?" I nodded. "Minor crisis successfully averted."

I wasn't really paying attention to the movie at all. The last thing I needed to watch right now was a romance. Instead, I focused my mind on Jasper. It was problematic that Billy and Jake knew he was back in town. It meant that Charlie could find out about Jasper at any moment, and that would be a disaster. I couldn't imagine any circumstances under which Charlie would be OK with me visiting a 19-year-old single guy living alone, even if the guy was my ex-boyfriend's brother. And if he knew I had already done it and lied to him about it, I would be grounded until graduation! I panicked at the thought that my visits with Jasper, as short lived as they might be, could be over even before he left town to re-join his family. The more I thought about it, the more miserable I became.

Thankfully the movie was short. We got up and left the theater as the end credits were rolling and decided to walk to the restaurant. We chose Chinese, because it was cheap and made it easy to purchase and share a bunch of different dishes. Once again, I was seated between Jake and Mike. That was fine, until Mike decided to throw his arm over the back of my chair and rest his fingertips on my left upper arm. It was a seemingly meaningless, friendly gesture, but I tensed up nevertheless. Jake sensed my discomfort and immediately wrapped his right arm around me, pulling me close to his side, effectively trapping Mike's fingers between us, forcing Mike to withdraw his arm.

"I got your back, Bells" Jake whispered in my ear and I giggled, earning a dirty look from Mike and Jessica. He let me go as soon as he knew Mike's arm was gone.

The rest of the night was fairly uneventful. Everyone spent a lot of time discussing the movie we had just seen, trying to impress each other with who could remember more of the funny lines. Since I hadn't been watching, I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. I threw in an occasional affirmation or a half-hearted laugh, but otherwise remained on the periphery. Finally it was time to pay the check and return home. As soon as we were on the road to Forks, I felt more relaxed.

My relief was short lived, as I realized that Mike had a plan for the end of the night that differed drastically from mine. He had engineered a return route that resulted in Jake being dropped off first. As he got out of the Suburban he threw me an 'I did what I could' glance. "I'll talk to you soon, Jake" I called out from the back bench as he closed the passenger door.

Mike then reversed the order of pick up, taking everyone else from the group home one by one, until we were the only two people left. Not wanting to feel like a cab passenger, I moved to the seat beside Mike. I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I knew I had nothing to fear from Mike, but I was worried that he would try to set up another date or otherwise force me to be crystal clear about my lack of feelings for him. I had completely lost control of the situation, and I didn't like it one bit.

I opened the passenger door and got out as soon as Mike pulled into my driveway and parked. To my dismay, Mike followed, walking me to the front door.

"I had a great time tonight, Bella," he said hesitantly, "I hope you did too and that we can do it again some time, just the two of us." I saw him lean forward in an attempt to kiss me, but before his lips could reach mine or I could pull away, we both heard a deep, animalistic growl from a dark portion of the yard. Both of our heads snapped in the direction of the sound, which was so low it may actually have been a vibration.

"What the heck?" Mike asked, his face betraying a hint of apprehension. "Did you hear that?"

I sure had heard that, and I had a good suspicion who had made the sound. It was the same sound I heard through a haze last spring in Phoenix, as Edward's brothers were killing James after he had bitten me. I knew that the only source of the noise could have been Jasper. I was at once grateful and furious.

"Yes. Whatever it is, it doesn't sound friendly. I should go inside and you should go home." I said.

"You're probably right," he looked and sounded uncertain. "I'll see you around, Bella," he said. I was already turned around, unlocking the front door.

"See you, Mike." I said, walking into the house and shutting the door behind me. I knew I was being rude, but I reasoned that rudeness was better than outright rejection.

"Is that you, Bella?" Charlie called form his bedroom. "Did you have a good time?"

"It's me, dad," I shouted back. "It was fine."

I waited for Mike's Suburban to be gone before carefully unlocking the front door again. I walked out into the driveway.

"Jasper?" I hissed angrily. "Stop hiding. I know you're out here."

He walked over from the back yard, standing in a thin sliver of light from the driveway lamp post.

"Have you been following me all night? I thought we discussed this and you weren't going to come along. What if someone had seen you?"

"Relax, Bella. I never left Forks. But I figured Newton would try to find a way to get you here alone, so I decided to wait and see if you needed me."

My anger ebbed. I should have been mad at him for behaving like a stalker, but his instincts had been absolutely right and I owed him.

"How was your evening? Did you manage to keep things casual?"

I wanted so badly to tell him all about my evening, but it was late and this was not a subject to be discussed in the middle of the night in front of my own house.

"I can't talk now, Jasper. Charlie will wonder why I haven't gone upstairs."

He was silent for a moment. I started turning back to the house when I heard him say quietly, "Get inside and pretend to go to bed, then call me. I'll be waiting."

**Writing this chapter was really, really hard. It's been a while since I;ve been a teenager, so I wasn;t sure if the if the whole "date" scenario was realistic. At one point I thought I might re-write it, but positive reviews convinced me otherwise. Thank you! **

**Whether you loved it or hated it, I would really like to hear your reviews and critiques. Thanks in advance!**


	11. Chapter 11: Whispers in the Dark

**Jasper does get the best lines, doesn't he? LOL! The last chapter was my longest ever, but I bet that one line at the end will be the only thing anyone remembers. **

**I can't even explain how much I want to write this chapter from Jasper's POV as well, since Bella can be quite obtuse sometimes and doesn't always get nuanced communications (sometimes she reads too much into things, sometimes not enough – LOL!). I can't actually do Jasper's chapter, but if anyone wants some insights into what he's thinking let me know in a review and I promise I'll respond. Or, if you prefer to keep things mysterious for now, just keep reading and see how the story unfolds. :-) **

**As always, thanks to everyone who left reviews on the last chapter! Feedback is awesome! And a huge thanks to mmsimpy09, who helped me out by pre-viewing this chapter and providing advance feedback!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_He was silent for a moment. I started turning back to the house when I heard him say quietly "Get inside and pretend to go to bed, then call me. I'll be waiting."_

Chapter 11: Whispers in the Dark

My stomach did a perfect summersault and I'm sure I flushed from head to toe. Did he really just say what I thought he'd said? I turned around again but he was gone, undoubtedly on his way home to await my call.

I walked back into the house and locked the front door as quietly as I could, then I turned and leaned against it heavily. I noticed my breathing was faster and shallower. What the hell just happened?

I forced myself to slow down and re-played the conversation in my head. Upon review, it was much more innocent than I initially perceived it. Jasper simply wanted to hear about how I handled Mike, nothing more. It was just the quiet, low tone of his voice that made the request sound so incredibly sexy. I really needed to get a grip. Jasper was married to my best friend; I had dated his brother; there had never been anything between us even remotely hinting at the possibility of anything other than friendship.

It must have been all the things that happened today. All the stress over what would happen tonight, combined with all the real and mock flirting, must have increased my level of sexual tension and caused me to misinterpret Jasper's words. That was the only logical explanation.

Slightly calmer, I grabbed the cordless phone from the cradle in the living room and made my way upstairs. I sighed with relief when I heard Charlie snoring in his bedroom. It would be easier to talk without having to worry about him overhearing something he shouldn't.

I laid the phone on my bed, grabbed my toiletry bag and headed for the bathroom, where I quickly got ready for bed. Back in my bedroom I threw off my jeans, shirt and bra and pulled on a t-shirt and sweat pants that I liked to wear at night. For a while, when Edward was staying with me nearly every night, I had worn clothes that were more attractive, but now that I was alone it made sense to just be comfortable.

I took out my wallet and extracted the piece of paper with Jasper's phone number. I stared at it for a long while, memorizing it. Then I grabbed the phone, turned off the light and got under my quilt. I dialed his number in the dark from memory. He answered on the first ring.

"Hello Bella."

"Hi, Jasper," I whispered. I knew Charlie was sleeping, but I didn't want to give him any reasons to wake up. "Thanks for being here tonight and I'm sorry I jumped to the wrong conclusion."

"It's all right. No harm done."

"It's just that Edward . . . well, he would have watched me all day and I guess . . . I know I overreacted."

"I understand. It's not a big deal. Forget about it."

I didn't say anything for a while. There was only one thing to say

"Thank you."

More silence passed, but it wasn't uncomfortable. In the dark, lying in bed under my quilt, I felt strangely comforted just knowing there was someone on the other end of the line. I may have let the silence go on forever, but then I heard him whisper.

"I've missed you. Tell me about your day." My breath caught and my stomach did another summersault. _He's just speaking quietly, Bella. It means nothing. Calm Down!_

"Well, I spent most of the day at LaPush with Jacob."

"Jacob? The Quileute boy who came to Prom last year?"

I was surprised that Jasper remembered, then I remembered he had perfect recall.

"Yeah. His dad and Charlie are good friends and he's become a good friend too. Edward and I were never at LaPush and Jacob is so great, so happy all the time, spending time with him helps me forget . . ."

More silence, this time less comfortable. I wonder if I'd made a mistake telling Jasper about Jacob.

"It sounds like you had a good day," he finally said, his voice betraying no emotion. "What did you do?"

"We walked to the beach and then we just talked. Jake is, well . . ." I struggled to find the right words, "He's like sunshine, but he doesn't sugar code things either. He calls me out on things when I need it, just like you did last night. But most of all he makes me feel safe, and comfortable."

"I see." His voice still sounded detached. "What did you do after the beach?"

"We had lunch and then I watched him work on his car – he's building one for himself practically from scratch. And then I followed your advice and asked Jacob to come with us to the movies. And it worked, Jasper, it worked really well. Jake is younger, but he looks really grown up and a little intimidating, I think. And he's pretty good looking too," I stifled a giggle, remembering the effect Jake had on Jessica. "He didn't even have to do much. Just a couple of hugs here and there. Mike didn't have a chance. At least not until. . ."

Another longer than necessary silence.

"So you had no problems until Mike was dropping you off," his voice sounded harder, colder. My perception of his disapproval deflated my good mood.

"Yes," I whispered. "And you already know what happened then."

More silence. This was starting to be painful. I couldn't believe only moments ago my stomach had been doing exited flip flops over the prospect of this conversation. Now it was tied up in the worst kind of knots. I didn't understand any of this.

"Jasper, why are you mad at me? I was just following your suggestion."

He sighed.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not mad at you."

"Then what? Something isn't right."

"I don't know, Bella. I'm not sure I understand it myself. It's painful to know you needed help and I wasn't able to be there, to know that you had to rely on someone else." I could hear the pain in his voice.

"Jasper," I said gently, "It's not your job to protect me. And even if it was, I'm not sure you could do it alone." I laughed bitterly, "As much of a danger and trouble magnet as I am, I'm sure no one person could provide enough protection."

"Protecting you would certainly be a full time job," he agreed, his voice a little warmer.

"Not following you today was the hardest thing I've ever had to do," he continued. "I knew you wouldn't want me to do it, and yet it took all my self restraint to stop."

"I . . . I don't know how to respond to that." I was extremely confused. I knew Edward had been extremely protective of me, but that was his nature. I didn't know why Jasper should feel that way.

"Did you ever notice that you have a way of bringing out the protective instinct in people? I know I felt protective of you before, as has every member of my family, but it's so much stronger now that they're not around. And it's not just us. I know I've felt the same thing from the human boys at the high school last year, especially Mike. From Jacob too, at prom. It's actually quite remarkable. I've never felt anything like it before. And even when I felt it around you, I couldn't identify it until just now."

"What are you saying, Jasper?"

"I'm not sure. I don't have an explanation. It's almost as if nature knew that you would need protection, and gave you the ability to solicit help without asking."

I though about what Jasper said, not sure how to feel about it. I supposed it was good that people felt protective of me, but also stifling. It was easier to take when I thought the over protectiveness was their choice. I didn't want to think of myself as forcing this feeling in people.

"I always thought I was a freak of nature. I guess now I have solid proof." My voice was still bitter.

"Bella," it was just one word, but the way he said my name, in a soft whisper, my stomach started doing summersaults again. "You're not a freak of nature. You're special. Really, really special."

I stopped breathing again. I was grateful that Jasper was nowhere near me for this conversation. I could only imagine the emotions I was sending out right now. I felt so pathetic. Not even two weeks without my ex-boyfriend and I was weak at the knees the first time someone called me special. Worse yet, I knew that someone was totally off limits and couldn't have meant the things he said in the way I was interpreting them. _You're a fool, Isabella Swan. A pathetic, hormonal, teenage fool. _I had to do something to change the topic of conversation before I actually said something that betrayed these stupid thoughts and feelings.

"Jasper?"

"Yes, darlin'?"

Darlin'? Oh, come on! And spoken in that soft whisper! Was he trying to make me do something idiotic? _It's just a team of endearment. It doesn't mean anything! _

"We always talk about me, but I'd like to hear about you, too. What did you do today?"

There was another prolonged pause on the other end of the line.

"I was in Port Angeles during the day. I came back this afternoon, way before you would have gotten there," he added quickly, as if to re-assure me that he hadn't been spying on my outing. "I bought you some more chips and soda" he said. Was if just me or did he sound embarrassed to admit that? "Then I hung out at a café. That was . . . tasking. There were a lot of people, some in close proximity. I had to swallow quite a bit of venom."

"But nothing bad happened?"

"I stayed in control. I was preoccupied, which seemed to help."

"What were you preoccupied with?" I asked.

"Do you really not know?" The question caught me off guard. I had no idea. I tried to think. Maybe he missed Alice? I knew he had gone shopping in Port Angeles with her frequently. Maybe being there on a busy day reminded him of her?

Apparently I left the question unanswered too long. He sighed.

"No, I guess you wouldn't," he said, sadly. Then, abruptly, "I got you a present." He sounded excited, like he was the one who was getting something.

"A present? You didn't have to do that. I hate presents. Besides, what's the occasion?"

"It's nothing big, Bella, I swear. And it's as much for me as it is for you. Is there," he hesitated. "Is there any way I could give it to you tomorrow?"

"Um," I bit my lip in frustration. I had no excuse to be away from the house tomorrow. I would have to think of something to tell Charlie. "I can try to get away for a little while."

"I know it's difficult for you. I know you hate to lie to your father. But please, I really would like to see you," he paused for a moment, then added, "I need to see you."

Oh darn it, there went the stomach again. Maybe it was something I ate. I hope whatever was causing all these weird emotions would be out of my system tonight. I could never face Jasper again if I was going to feel like this around him.

"Okay," I said softly. "I'll think of something."

There was another pause in the conversation. I couldn't stifle a loud yawn.

"It's getting late," he said. "I should let you get some sleep."

"I suppose. I wish we didn't have to hang up. I have to keep the line clear just in case there is an emergency call for Charlie, but I wish we could just talk until I fell asleep. Ever since Edward left I have a hard time falling asleep in this room without crying. I know talking to you would help."

I head an owl screech outside my bedroom window, then a loud intake of breath on the other end of the line, something that sounded like a rush of wind and a faint echo of a similar owl screech in the background. I guess the birds were out on the prowl.

"I'm so sorry, Bella." There was a strange quality to his voice. It almost sounded like he was scared.

"It's OK, Jasper. Maybe I'll put on some music. Sometimes Edward used to hum me a lullaby . . ." I choked at the memory. I sensed the tears starting to come. I had to finish this conversation before I completely broke down.

"I do need to go, Jasper," I said, my voice quivering, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Goodnight, darlin'," he said softly. "I'll see you later today."

**Reactions? Speculations? Leave a review! **


	12. Chapter 12: You Can't Stop the Signal

**Thanks everyone for your lovely reviews. I'm so glad to hear you like the slower pace of this story, because I'm afraid it will continue for a while. **

**Also, please note that throughout the rest of this story I will ascribe my personal tastes in entertainment to Jasper and Bella. For those of you unfamiliar with my choices, please know that I would highly recommend them. For those of you who are fans, it's nice to have kindred spirits. And for those of you who hate my choices, please feel free to ignore them or substitute whatever choices you think would be better as you read these chapters.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. All Firefly characters belong to Joss Whedon.**

* * *

"_I do need to go, Jasper," I said, my voice quivering, "I'll see you tomorrow."_

"_Goodnight, darlin'," he said softly. "I'll see you later today."_

****

Chapter 12: You can't stop the Signal

I clicked off the phone, but did not let it out of my hand. I felt like as long as I was holding the receiver our connection hadn't really been broken, and Jasper was still there somehow.

That last "Darlin'" of his managed to revive my overactive stomach again and chased the tears away. Still holding on to the phone with my left hand, I covered my eyes with my right, as though that would help me understand my reaction to what just happened.

It was a perfectly innocent phone call. I talked about my day and he talked about his. We whispered for obvious reasons. Just two friends having and end of day conversation.

_The lady doth protest too much, methinks._ The line from Hamlet popped into my head. Ugh! I needed to just stop thinking and get to sleep.

Eventually I did fall asleep, and for the first time in a long while I dreamt. I couldn't remember most of the dream when I woke, but one vision stayed with me when the rest faded away. It was Jasper, dressed in white slacks and an open white shirt, standing tall and gorgeous at the edge of the forest in a patch lit up by the noon sun. Sitting on a tree branch behind him was a giant snow owl, his wings outstretched, making Jasper look like a beautiful sparkling angel.

I woke up still clinging to the phone receiver, instantly remembering the conversation from the night before and my promise to find a way to see him. I thought about it as I showered and got dressed, but absolutely nothing came to mind. There was no getting around the fact that I was a horrible liar!

I walked down to the kitchen with dread. To my surprise, my need to see Jasper was as strong as his professed need to see me. I had to think of a completely innocent reason I needed to leave the house today, but as transparent as my feelings always were to others, Charlie would be able to see right through me the moment I opened my mouth.

"Morning, Dad," I said to Charlie, who was reading the Sunday paper.

"Morning, Bells," he seemed absorbed in the article and barely looked up. I got out a bowl and poured myself some cereal for breakfast. I didn't initiate a conversation, figuring the less I said the better.

Thank goodness Charlie made the whole thing so easy for me. After he finished the article he was reading, he folded the paper and said "I'm going over to Harry Clearwater's today to watch the game. Would you like to come with me? Jake and his friends will probably be there, and Harry has a daughter your age."

_Wow!_ I actually kicked myself under the table to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Could this really be true? Would I be able to see Jasper without making up any stories at all?

"No thanks, Dad. You know I don't really enjoy watching sports and I spent the whole day with Jake yesterday, so I'm sure he could use a break. Besides, I have some homework to do for tomorrow."

"Okay, well, I'll be heading out there in half an hour. And Harry's wife, Sue, will be making dinner, so no need to worry about that today. Want me to bring something back for you?"

Seriously, this was too good to be true. All day free and I didn't even have to cook? I could spend the whole time with Jasper. I nearly bounced in my seat with excitement.

"Sure, Dad, that would be nice, if she doesn't mind."

"Nah, on game days Sue makes enough to feed an army."

"Great," I said, and swallowed a mouthful of cereal to stop myself from potential excited babbling.

"All right, then. You're sure you're going to be okay here by yourself?"

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.

Charlie went back to the newspaper. I ate my breakfast slowly, wondering if I could make the bowl last the whole half hour. The less I did and said until Charlie left the better. I finished eating faster than I'd hoped, so I occupied myself with washing and drying the breakfast dishes. Time dragged, but eventually Charlie folded the paper again.

"All right, Bells, I'm going. Harry's number is on the fridge if you need anything."

"I know, dad. I'll be fine."

After I heard the cruiser pull away I scrambled upstairs and grabbed the phone. I dialed the number quickly from memory. Again, he picked up on the first ring.

"You can't come," he said morosely.

"What? No! Since when did you become such a pessimist? I can come and, better yet, I can stay pretty much all day. Charlie went to watch the game with some of his friends in La Push. He won't be back until after dinner."

"How quickly can you be here?"

"As quickly as my truck allows."

On the drive to his house I indeed pushed the truck to its top speed. Thankfully, Sunday traffic was light and I arrived in record time. He was waiting for me on the porch, wearing khakis and a cream colored pullover. Leaning on the porch railing with both hands, he looked model-gorgeous, and my breath caught. Drat! I hoped his abilities were on the fritz so he wouldn't feel this juvenile reaction.

I opened the truck door and got out slowly, suddenly hesitant to walk inside. I wanted him to be happy to see me and I didn't want to spoil it by feeling something inappropriate.

He met me at the foot of the stairs, deliberately walking towards me to close the distance between us until we were within a couple of feet of one another. He hesitated, unsure if he should come any closer. I smiled up at him.

"You're making great progress, Jasper! It's wonderful."

His smile lit up his face. "It is getting easier."

We walked into the house, Jasper following behind me. I sat down on the sofa. He did the same, within a two foot distance.

"So, we have all day. What do you want to do?"

He seemed a bit flustered. "I didn't know we would have this much time. I didn't really plan anything."

I laughed.

"That's okay. We don't have to be formal. How about today I get to know you a little? I feel like all we've done lately is talk about me, but I still know nothing about you. I'd like to know the real Jasper Hale."

His smile disappeared. I frowned in confusion.

"What? What did I say?"

"Edward didn't tell you anything about me?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Very little, just that you and Alice were not created by Carlisle. He mentioned your original vampire family was different. I assumed they were not vegetarians."

Jasper's eyes narrowed with resentment.

"No, Bella, they were not vegetarians. I don't really like to talk about my vampire past, but you deserve to know the whole truth and some day, I promise, I will share it all with you. It's just that I don't want to spoil our time together today by rehashing my darkest hours. I would be glad to tell you what I remember of my human life, though. Will that do for now?"

I didn't speak. I simply nodded my agreement. I could sense his sadness and his unease, and I knew a part of him feared that learning about his vampire past would somehow alter my opinion of him. I wanted to assure him that nothing could do that, but I didn't want to force him to tell me anything until he was ready.

"To start, my name is not Jasper Hale. It's Jasper Whitlock," Jasper launched into his story. He told me as much as he could remember about growing up in the Houston area, about his family, about joining the Confederate Army when he was still underage and rising through the ranks to become the youngest Major in Texas.

Though his recollection of human life was sketchy, he had a way of storytelling that made up for the lack of details. It was almost as if he were guiding me through an impressionistic painting, with both of us standing a little too close to see the full effect intended by the artist. The beauty of the whole canvas may have been lost, but the brush strokes we could see were still fascinating.

As I listened, I imagined the human Jasper, first as a little boy, then as a young man, dressed in his military uniform, using his still human charisma to direct the soldiers under his command. "I can't believe you have been here since before the civil war," I said, completely in awe. "You've lived though so much."

Jasper grimaced. "My life, such as it was, wasn't easy, and I've done many things I'm not proud of, all of them after becoming a vampire. I try to hold on to Major Whitlock, because he lived a life of no regrets."

His story at an end, we sat quietly for a while. Finally, I had to break the silence.

"Okay, Major Jasper Whitlock. We still have a lot of time. What are we going to do? Do you want to watch a movie or TV, listen to some music – I'm game for anything."

Jasper tilted his head and looked at me, as if trying to gauge my reaction to an unspoken suggestion. "Are you familiar with the TV series _Firefly_?" He asked. I shook my head.

"I can never get anyone else to watch it with me, but I have a feeling you might like it."

I shrugged. I wasn't really all that particular about TV shows or movies, as I hardly watched either. I was, however, very curious about Jasper's preferences.

"Is it about bugs?" I asked. "I'm not particularly fond of bugs."

He laughed. "It's definitely not about bugs. You'll see."

With vampire speed he moved over to the cabinets where the Cullens stored their vast DVD collection and pulled out a brown box that obviously held more than one DVD.

"Don't worry, Bella. Even if you end up loving it we won't watch it all today. Maybe just the pilot episode."

I nodded. As long as I was home by dinner, I didn't really care if we spent the whole day in front of the TV.

Jasper stopped in the kitchen and brought me my favorite chips and soda. I thanked him, and we settled in to watch.

I was swept up in the series from the very first moment, and it wasn't long before I understood exactly why this was one of Jasper's favorites. This story about an unrelated band of renegades living on the fringe of society, for all intents and purposes functioning as a family, was a near perfect TV approximation of the Cullens. Jasper was, of course, Captain Mal Reynolds, a former rebel turned outlaw with a heart of gold. Emmet and Jayne were two peas in a pod. Edward would have been perfectly cast as Dr. Simon Tam and Carlisle would have been Shepherd Book. The women characters were slightly less well matched. Still, River Tam could have been modeled after Alice and Inara had Rosalie's beauty, plus a much better personality. In no time at all I found myself loving this sci-fi western universe, where people spoke in a strange cadence, interchanging English and Chinese.

From time to time I glanced over at Jasper, only to see him already watching me. I knew he could feel how much I liked the show and I loved seeing the pleasure in his face of being able to share this with me. It was turning out to be quite a good day.

We ended up watching all the shows on the first disc, and I only reluctantly agreed to stop when Jasper pointed out that our time together was limited. He was starting to look a little nervous again, and I wondered what could possibly have him spooked now.

"Bella, do you remember much of our conversation from last night?"

"Mmmm," I said noncommittally and looked down at the sofa, hoping to hide the blush that was sure to appear if I thought too much about what he'd said and how he had said it.

"Would you . . ." he hesitated. He really was nervous. "Would you like to open your present?"

I couldn't help looking at him. Last night he said it hadn't been a big deal, but the way he was acting now made the gift seem important. Knowing his family's inclination towards extravagance, I started to worry.

"Jasper, you know how much I hate these kinds of things," my voice sounded whinier than I intended.

"I know," he looked as though he had been harshly chastised, which definitely had not been the case. I almost felt sorry for him. Maybe I should see what the gift was before I made too much out of the whole thing.

"All right, I'll try real hard not to be a total spoilsport. I appreciate you thinking of me and I hope you meant it when you said it wasn't anything big. Let's see it."

"Really, Bella, it's not big, and it truly is as much of a gift for me as it is for you."

He leaned over to a sofa table behind him and grabbed a bow-wrapped box that somehow escaped my notice earlier. He handed me the box sheepishly.

"It's a slip-off bow. No paper."

I grinned. "Good thinking."

The box was on the small side, and I looked at it with unease. I remembered the saying about good things coming in small packages, but in my experience such things were typically very expensive, which was the last thing I wanted.

"Open it, Bella, please."

Reluctantly I slipped off the bow and lifted the box lid. Inside I found an adorable little flip cellular phone. I looked up at Jasper in shock.

"A cell phone, Jasper? You said it wasn't anything big!"

"It's not big, Bella. In fact, it was one of the smallest models."

"That's not what I meant, Jasper Whitlock, and you darn well know it! I can't accept this."

His face fell.

"Bella, I promise this is not a big deal. I just added a line to my current plan, so the cost of the phone and the monthly fees are minimal. And this way you can contact me any time you might need me. Plus, we'll be able to talk at night for as long as we like without tying up your home phone line."

I considered the merits of his argument and noticed that he really wasn't playing fair. The thought of being able to talk to him at night, maybe even fall asleep to the sound of his voice, was extremely appealing.

"But Jasper, that would cost so much money!"

He waved his hand dismissively.

"On my plan calls between our phones are free. And I have more than enough minutes to cover any calls you might need to make to other people."

"No. If I accept this, I will only use it to call you."

"You won't find an argument on that from me, Darlin'."

Dang, did he just use that word in that melting butter sexy voice on me again? How the heck was I supposed to act rationally when he said that in that voice! I was completely flustered.

"So what do you say? Are we good?"

I had no good arguments. And the temptation to talk to him at night was just too great.

"We're good. Thank you!" I knew I was taking a risk, but I couldn't help myself. I reached to grab his hand and squeezed it in gratitude. His skin was cold, and his hard hand did not yield. He looked shocked, both at our physical contact and my proximity. I quickly dropped his hand and moved back to my previous position, alarmed that I had somehow disturbed the delicate balance he had been working on all week. _You should think things though before you act, Bella!_

He stared at his hand, touching it with his other hand as if to make sure it was still there. Then he looked away, purposely avoiding my gaze. I opened my lips to speak, but he interrupted before I could get out a word.

"Don't apologize, Bella. I'm fine. This is fine. You just took me by surprise."

"I know. I wasn't thinking. I'm . . ."

"I thought I asked you not to apologize?" he said, but his smile told me that he was teasing. I smiled back at him gratefully.

"Thank you, Jasper, really. This is one of the most thoughtful gifts anyone has ever given me. It's perfect."

He grinned, obviously pleased with my reaction.

"I pre-programmed my number into it already, so all you have to do to call me is hold the number 1 button. I programmed your home as number 2 and the police station as number 3. I have the charger for you and I'd recommend plugging it in before you call me at night, just in case you do end up falling asleep. I wouldn't want the battery to run down and for us to lose the connection. I got you an earpiece as well – so your hands can be free."

Oh Lord, I was going to burn in hell for an eternity! I was sure his comment was perfectly innocent, but the direction my mind took when he mentioned free hands would make a sailor blush. It certainly made me blush. He looked confused.

"What is it? Did I say something wrong?"

"Nothing," I said as I scrambled off the sofa, "I just need to use the washroom." I ran as fast as I could towards the powder room, hiding like a coward behind the door, as if that would stop him from reading all of my feelings. I turned on the cold water and splashed some on my face, then ran it over the pulse points on my wrists. I seriously needed to do something to keep these ridiculous thoughts and images from my mind! I was acting like an oversexed, perverted teenage boy! It was completely unbecoming!

I had used the washroom as an excuse, but once there I realized that I did indeed need a human moment. I was grateful that it was still stocked with all the human necessities, like soap and toilet paper. When I was done, I washed my hands and smoothed my hair before coming back out to the living room.

"Everything all right?" Jasper asked, watching me with a curious expression.

"Fine," I said, hoping it sounded as breezy as I had meant it to. "So what do we do now?"

I spent the rest of the afternoon watching Jasper beat me at Chess, Checkers and Scrabble. I had the most success with the latter, though I could never quite come up with letter combinations as good as his. No wonder, I didn't have the whole Webster's dictionary committed to memory! Gah!

Too soon it was time to leave again. I loaded the phone and accessories into my bag, thanking Jasper again, then headed out to the truck.

"Remember to call me tonight," he yelled as I pulled away from the house.

**Love it, hate it? Had a favorite part or line? Please leave a review and let me know what you thought. I appreciate all feedback.**


	13. Chapter 13: Lullabye

**OK, I have to admit I was a little disappointed that no Browncoats are reading this FanFic (or if they are, they're not commenting,) but I'll get over it. Firefly was a great show – check it out!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 13: Lullabye

I'd left with plenty of time to spare, so I wasn't surprised that Charlie's cruiser wasn't there when I pulled into the driveway. The phone started ringing as I let myself into the house. I ran to the kitchen extension, wondering if Jasper had forgotten to tell me something.

"Hey, Bells!" the voice on the other end of the line was not the one I was hoping to hear.

"Hi, Jacob."

"So Bella, Bella, Bella …you've been a bad girl." He teased. I wasn't in the mood.

"What are you talking about, Jake?"

"Well, first you don't even bother to call me to let me know about the rest of your night with Newton, then you don't come out to LaPush with your dad, and then you sneak out of the house for the whole day when you said you were going to be studying."

I felt like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. And here I thought everything had gone so well.

"I'm sorry for not calling, Jake. Everything was fine last night. Mike tried to kiss me but there was a noise in the yard and it startled him, so that was lucky." Ha! Luck had nothing to with it. But I wasn't about to explain to Jake that Jasper was staking out my house waiting to see if I needed help with Mike.

"Good. I was worried. He seemed pretty determined. After you pulled away I thought I should have warned him off or something, but it was too late."

I sighed. I was starting to believe Jasper's theory about me inspiring over protectiveness in others.

"I'm glad you didn't think of it in time. I didn't want to terrorize Mike, just keep him at bay. And about today, I thought that after spending all day with me yesterday you'd be sick of me and wouldn't want me to intrude on the game."

"I could never be sick of you, but I probably wouldn't have been a lot of fun for you to hang out with today. I know you don't like to watch sports," he admitted, grudgingly. "So where were you all day? I called many times."

"I was out with a friend," there was no way to disguise the fact that I was being evasive.

"A friend, huh? A friend you don't want Charlie to know about? Who was it?"

I decided I couldn't lie to Jacob, especially since he already knew Jasper was in town.

"I spent the day with Jasper." I heard Jake's sharp intake of breath.

"Cullen?" He whispered.

"It's actually Hale," _it's actually Whitlock_, "but yes, Edward's brother."

"Bella. . ." he sounded both worried and disapproving.

"You made your feelings clear yesterday, Jake. But I already told you -- he won't be in town forever. And in the meantime talking with him has actually really helped me get some closure on the whole situation with Edward."

"Sure, sure. Just make sure all he does is talk." I felt my face flush. Sometimes talking could be dangerous too!

"How many times do I have to tell you, Jacob Black, it's not like that. He is with someone – even if I was interested, which I'm not, he's not available. And besides, who died and appointed you my chaperone?"

"Um, I think it was you, Bells. When you asked me for help with Mike."

"Ugh, that was just a one-night thing. And I don't need a chaperone with Jasper, anyway, so back off already." I was really miffed.

"Eazy, Bells. Geeze! What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the bed or something?" Now he sounded hurt. Darn. I didn't mean to be snippy.

"I'm sorry, Jake. It's just, well, how much does Charlie know?"

There was a pause before Jacob spoke, as if he was carefully considering how to respond.

"I didn't tell him anything and I didn't see him make any calls, so as far as I know he's clueless." Jacob suddenly sounded serious. "But Bella, if spending time with this guy is so innocent, why don't you want Charlie to know?"

That remark hit its target. Sure, I knew Charlie wouldn't be crazy about me spending hours alone with any older boy in a house with no adult supervision, but there was more to keeping these visits secret. I didn't want anyone to know Jasper was here because I knew any day he might go away again, and I didn't want everyone to know I've been abandoned by two Cullen brothers, regardless of the nature of my relationship with Jasper.

"It's complicated, Jake. Charlie would see it the same way you do, and it would make things messy and unnecessarily difficult. It's easier not to tell him. Please don't say anything," I pleaded.

"Relax, Bella. I won't snitch. I just hope you know what you're doing. And tell Jasper that if he touches a hair on your head inappropriately, I'll tear his heart out and feed it to the wolves." I laughed, but even to me it sounded hollow.

"Thanks, Jake. And that last part, well, it definitely won't be necessary."

"OK, Bells." I heard the resignation in his voice. "Charlie left here a few minutes ago, so he should be home soon. Just thought you'd want to know."

I looked at the clock. It was late, and I still had chores and homework to do. Yikes!

"OK, I've got to go. Thanks, again, Jake. For yesterday and today!" We said our goodbyes and hung up.

I ran upstairs to assess the homework and laundry situation. I was a little worried when I realized how many things I had left until the last minute. That, plus I still hadn't contacted Ben to see what I missed while I was daydreaming in class on Friday. After making a couple of calls, I found Ben at Angela's. Fortunately, the assignment was not too tasking.

I spent the rest of the evening alternating laundry loads and assignments, stopping only to eat the pot roast Charlie brought me from the Clearwaters'. If Charlie noticed that I seemed to have entirely too much homework and laundry to do after having worked on it all day, he didn't comment.

With all the work I had to do, time passed quickly. After the news was over Charlie turned in for the night. I was still working on my Spanish assignment. All the nights of burning the midnight oil were starting to catch up with me, and I found it hard to stay focused on the short story I was supposed to be writing. Finally, acknowledging that it was a losing battle, I closed my notebook, hoping I would have time to finish the assignment in study hall the next day.

I finished my evening toilet quickly and changed for bed. I made sure my new phone was plugged into the charger and I put on my earpiece. I was looking forward to speaking with Jasper. As tired as I was, I didn't expect the conversation to last long, but I was excited at he thought of falling asleep to the sound of his voice. I turned off the lights and snuggled in under my quilt. Then I reached over to the phone and held down the 1 key.

"Finally," he said softly, "I was beginning to wonder if you'd changed your mind."

"That's silly. Why would I do that?"

"I don't know. You and I spent a lot of time together today. I thought you might have reached your limit." He actually sounded as though he believed it could be true. I felt the need to re-assure him.

"Jasper, I enjoyed every minute of the time we spent together. I wish it could have been longer."

"Me too, darlin'. Me too." Mmmm, I still loved the way he said that word, but tonight I was too tired for stomach summersaults.

"It's working well, isn't it?" I asked to distract myself.

"What?"

"The training. Spending more time with people and with me. Your self-control and endurance are improving."

He hesitated.

"Yes they are."

"How much longer?" I didn't want to finish the sentence. I was sure he would understand the question. I needed to know how much time was left before he returned to his family.

"I'm not sure," he whispered, "A while." I sighed with mild frustration. In vampire time a while could be measured in days or years.

"Did you have a good evening?" He asked, clearly wishing to change the subject.

"It was okay. Boring, really. I just did my homework and laundry. How about you?"

"I've been watching Firefly."

"You went on without me? No fair!"

"Of course not, Bella. I'm watching the episodes on Disc 1."

"But we just watched those earlier," I said, surprised.

"You watched those earlier," he corrected, "I was mostly watching you."

I blushed. I knew he was telling the truth.

"Why did you do that, exactly?"

"It was more enjoyable than watching the shows."

"But I thought Firefly was one of your favorites."

"It is, which is why I'm watching it again tonight, despite my perfect recall. But seeing your face and your reactions as you watched it for the first time, well, I wouldn't have missed that for anything. It was almost like I was watching it for the first time too."

"Hmmm," I murmured. I was getting really tired, too tired to try to respond.

"I can't wait to watch the next episode with you Thursday." I frowned. Thursday seemed so far away. I didn't understand why we couldn't see each other before then.

"You don't want me to come over again until Thursday?" I asked, slightly hurt. For a moment there was no response and I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.

"I would love to see you before Thursday, Bella, but you've had a few days off in a row now and I figured you would be working. Since we couldn't see each other anyway, I planned an out of town hunting trip."

It was my turn to pause as I processed this information. He was leaving. _Don't panic, Bella. It's just a hunting trip. It's not permanent yet. He'll be back. _Despite my self-admonitions, I was already starting to feel empty.

"I see," was all I could get out before my voice broke. In an instant my eyes filled with tears that spilled over onto my pillow. I sniffled involuntarily.

"Bella. . ." I couldn't respond, "Bella, darlin'. . ." For once, the endearment had the opposite effect and the tears came faster. I was sniffling uncontrollably now. I placed my right hand over my mouth and nose in an effort to mask the sounds.

"Bella, shhhh. . ." Jasper tried to soothe me, but his words had little effect. "Shhh. . . my darlin' girl . . . shhh . . . please" it was the last desperate plea that finally broke through the fog and stopped me short. My rate of sniffling slowed.

"I'm. . ." sniffle, "I'm sorry," sniffle, "I don't mean to. . ."sniffle, "be such a baby." Sniffle.

"Shhhh. . . You're not a baby. I understand. I should have realized. . ."

"Realized what?" Sniffle

"That it was too soon for a trip. I should have known how that might impact you."

Sniffle. "No. . ." Sniffle, "How could you. . ." sniffle, "have realized. . ." sniffle, "that I would be. . ." sniffle, "so pathetic." Sniffle.

"Never say that!" He said, sharply. "Never use that word in reference to yourself again!"

"But I am," I whined. "That's exactly what I am."

"Bella. . ." he was pleading again, "Please stop, Bella. You're killing me, darlin'. You're breaking my heart. I won't go. I'll just keep hunting close to home. Only please stop crying."

His reference to hunting triggered something in my mind, a memory that was just beneath the surface. Desperately I tried to focus and think why hunting close to home might be important. Then, I remembered, and my sniffling stopped.

"No!" I said, my voice suddenly strong again. "You should go away to hunt."

"What?" he sounded confused? "I don't have to leave, Bella. There's plenty of game on our land."

"I know," I said, "But you should go anyway. You've already been seen around here. Maybe if you're not seen again, no one would have to know."

"Who's seen me?" Jasper sounded confused. "I haven't sensed a human around me for days, except in Port Angeles."

"Jacob told me he overheard his father talking with Sam Uley. Apparently Sam saw you somewhere near the reservation border. You must have been hunting."

Jasper did not respond right away. When he did, his voice was still incredulous.

"I was only near the border once, and I'm certain there were no humans within miles. I checked before, to make sure there were no accidents."

"All I know is what Jake told me. And he told me before he knew I had already seen you, so he had no reason to lie. It's better if you hunt out of the area for a while. Maybe if no one sees you again, they won't say anything to Charlie."

Jasper thought about it for a second.

"Are you sure you're all right with me going?"

"Yes." I replied, my voice steady. I was fine with him leaving temporarily if it meant he could come back and we could see each other again without me having to explain things to Charlie. "Like you said, I'll be at school and work. We wouldn't be able to see each other anyway."

"We can still talk at night," he said. "It will be just like it is right now, like I'm right here beside you." My breath caught. My hand moved of its own accord to feel the bed beside me. He had sounded so convincing, I wondered for a second if he had come into my room without me noticing. But the spot beside me was warm and empty.

"And I'll see you Thursday?" I unsuccessfully tried to stifle a yawn.

He chuckled gently.

"Yes, you'll see me Thursday. But now you really should go to sleep. It is a school night."

"I don't want to," I said, stubbornly. "Let's keep talking."

"Darlin', would you mind if I tried something else?" he asked quietly.

"No," I responded hesitantly.

"Then close your eyes." I did as he requested. And then Jasper started to sing, his soft base soothing in my ear.

_when the sky has fallen  
like a blanket on your shoulder  
and the moon is like a mother  
looking over you forever  
and the dawn is so familiar  
you were meant to be together  
like a fog around a mountain - forever  
so softly - so sweetly  
surrounding you completely  
sing you a lullabye - a lullabye to you  
lullabye - a lullabye to you_

There was a second verse, but the words no longer registered. All I heard was the calming sound of his voice as I drifted into sleep._  
_

**Ah, parting is such sweet sorrow. And Jasper singing to Bella at night, well, I'll take that over a hummed lullabye any day. **

**The song is **_**Lullabye**_** by Concrete Blond, from the album Bloodletting. Great album for a Vampire story! If you want to know my impression of what Bella should have felt when Edward left in New Moon, listen to the song Beast on the same album.**

**Please do take a moment to let me know what you thought (I love it when people tell me their favorite parts!). Reviews really do help speed up the writing process.**


	14. Chapter 14: Lynx

**First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you for all the reviews and for re-assuring me that it's OK to go slow. Now I have to ask you to have faith in me, because this story will have twists and turns and we're about to go around a bend.**

**Here's a caveat on this chapter – I'm not sure if it works or if it's too much. I need you, the readers, to let me know. If people like it, I will leave it as is. If people don't like it (or don't say anything) I'll assume a re-write is in order and I'll tone it down. So with this chapter it's more important than ever that you leave a review, either way. **

**And I should say even if I re-write the chapter, it will only impact how things are said, not what is said. The direction of the story will not change. Just know that this story is not even near the middle, much less the end. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 14:

I woke up Monday morning with the earpiece still in my ear.

"Jasper," I said, a bit groggy.

"Good morning, Bella." He was still there! "Did you sleep well?"

"Mmm," I said and stretched. "That lullaby was gorgeous, Jasper. I didn't know you were so talented. Thank you!"

"Can't take credit for the song – I borrowed it from Concrete Blonde – but I'm glad you enjoyed it."

"It was amazing. You'll have to sing if to me again!"

He laughed a low, throaty laugh. "As you wish, darlin'. As you wish."

"So, what did you do while I was sleeping?" I asked curiously.

"Not much. Mostly I drove and listened."

He was driving. That means he was already gone. My heart sank a little.

"Where are you going?"

"Northern Canada. I thought I'd scare up some Lynx."

Northern Canada. It sounded so far away.

"Are you meeting anyone there?" I asked hesitantly. I wondered if any of the Cullens were going to join him on the hunt. Okay, if I had to be completely honest with myself, I really wondered if Alice was going to join him on the hunt. This sudden realization, and the accompanying anxiety, surprised me. I had to admit I was scared. If he met with Alice, maybe he wouldn't come back. Nervously, I waited for his response.

"No." His reply was curt, inviting no follow-up. I felt relief, then guilt for feeling relieved. Were my feelings for Jasper starting to cross the line? We hadn't done anything inappropriate, hadn't really said anything inappropriate, hadn't really thought – well, best to keep my thoughts out of this. But still. We were just friends.

"Okay, well, I'd better get ready for school. Good luck today. I'll call you tonight."

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Remember what I told you when I gave you this number? You can call me any time. If you need me or you just want to talk, call me."

"What if you're about to snag a Lynx and the phone rings?"

"Bella," he sighed, "You are more important than hunting. Besides, I set both of our phones on the vibrate setting, so if they go off we can feel it and no one else needs to know. So if you need me, call me, anytime," he stressed.

"Okay," I relented. "If I need you I'll call, but most likely I'll talk to you tonight."

"Have a good day, Bella."

"You too."

Charlie was already gone, so I got ready for school quickly and grabbed a fast breakfast. I wasn't looking forward to this week at all. I faced three lonely days of school and work. Worse, after the movie disaster, I would have to be extra vigilant to avoid being trapped alone with Mike and I would have to stop daydreaming so I didn't accidentally agree to do more stupid stuff.

As I opened the door to my truck, I noticed a package resting on the floor near the pedals. It was a plain paper bag. Curious, I picked it up and looked inside. It held a portable DVD player, the 1st disc of Firefly and some of my favorite chips and soda. I smiled and quickly unfolded the enclosed note.

"Just in case you want to watch these again to catch the moments you missed while looking at me."

The note wasn't signed. I ran my fingers over the neat printing before folding the note and tucking it into my wallet. I went back to hide the bag in my bedroom, then returned to the truck and left for school.

Once again I relied on Angela and Ben to serve as shields against being cornered by Mike. At lunch, I begged off eating with the group, using my unfinished Spanish essay as an excuse. I did my best not to get all day-dreamy about Jasper, but I slipped up once or twice. Fortunately, I didn't seem to have missed out on anything important.

After school I worked at the store. Luckily it was Mike's day off, so I didn't have to worry about any uncomfortable run-ins. I overheard him planning to watch Monday Night Football with Tyler and Eric, so I didn't even have to worry about him stopping by.

When my shift was over I went home and had dinner. Charlie was watching football. I went upstairs and finished my homework first, then settled in on the bed and turned on the DVD player. Just watching the show made me feel closer to Jasper and I was also glad for the distraction, which helped time go by until it was time to call him again.

I knew Charlie would be staying up late because of the game, so I didn't wait for him to come upstairs before I got ready for bed and turned off my lights. I would have to be careful, listening for him coming up the stairs to make sure he didn't overhear my conversation, but I couldn't let this little roadblock stop me from calling Jasper. I tucked myself under my quilt and pressed the 1 key.

"Bella," his voice was soft, feathery, like a caress. I closed my eyes and felt warmth spread all through my body. He had been right last night. Hearing his voice made it feel like he was right here beside me.

" Jasper," my voice was equally soft, though not nearly as melodic as his. In my head I visualized his perfect, handsome face.

"Did you like your surprise?" He asked.

"Very much," I whispered. "I watched some of it tonight. It reminded me of you."

He laughed.

"That's just what I hoped when I left it for you. What else did you do today?"

He wanted to hear about my day and wouldn't let me gloss over anything, so I described it all in minute detail, including the two hikers who came into the store with a tall tale about a large animal, probably a bear, that they had seen while hiking on the reservation, but that did not bother them or their foolishly unprotected food supply. I explained how skillfully Mr. Newton used their story against them by convincing them to purchase bare-safe food storage. As I spoke, I heard Charlie come upstairs, get ready for bed and disappear into his bedroom. I breathed a silent sigh of relief, knowing that I was now able to fully concentrate on the conversation, without any distractions.

Jasper laughed at the bear story, but then became serious.

"Do me a favor, Bella, and stay away from the woods, just in case. The hikers were probably making the whole thing up, but if by some miracle a bear was anywhere near Forks, with your bad luck he would head straight for you. Best to keep yourself out of possible harm's way."

"Geeze, Jasper, paranoid much?" I giggled quietly.

"Only when it comes to your safety," he admitted, "and with good reason, at least based on past experience."

"Well, it's not like I have time to go hiking while you're gone, but if something changes I promise I'll ask Jake to go with me – he's large enough to scare any bear."

Jasper was silent. What did I say now? Was he really this worried about me and the imaginary bear? I sighed.

"I promise, Jasper, no hiking. Like I said, I don't have time. And as clumsy as I am, I don't go hiking even when I do have time. So don't worry, okay?"

"Okay," there was something different about his voice. Something I couldn't identify. There was a barrier between us now that wasn't there earlier. It was time to change the subject.

"Speaking of hiking, it's your turn to tell me about your day."

He remained silent for a moment, almost as if he were trying to get himself back into the right frame of mind. Then he started speaking, his rich voice wrapping comfortably around me. He told me about his drive up and his hunt for Lynx. He described the landscape in a way that made me feel as thought I'd taken the trip with him.

Unexpectedly, I realized that I wished I had taken the trip with him. I wanted to spend time with him in a place that was away from the familiar, free from memories and expectations and obligations. A place where we could say anything to each other.

"I wish I could be there with you." Did I really just verbalize my thoughts like that? My face burned with embarrassment. Would he understand what I'd been thinking? "I mean, it sounds so lovely," I quickly added to cover up my slip.

"I wish you could be here too," he said softly. And then softer still, so I could hardly even hear it, he added "nothing here is as lovely as you."

My breathing stopped; my heart stopped; everything in the world came to a crashing halt. Could I possibly have heard him right? No. I must have imagined the whole thing.

Silence stretched between us and there were no safe topics of conversation left.

"I miss you," I whispered.

"I know, darlin'. I miss you too."

"I think if you had been here today, I would have found a way to see you, even if just for a few minutes."

"I have no doubt we would have found a way."

"Do you ever wish. . . ?"

"You know I do."

"I do too."

It was strange having this conversation without any real words, yet fully understanding the meaning. It was like a secret pact – as long as we didn't say it out loud, as long as there were no verbal acknowledgements, we could pretend it wasn't really happening.

More silence followed, and then Jasper started signing softly

_I'd like to meet you_

_In a timeless_

_Placeless place_

_Somewhere out of context_

_And beyond all consequences_

_If language were liquid_

_It would be rushing in_

_Instead here we are_

_In a silence more eloquent_

_Than any word could ever be_

My breath caught again. He had taken thoughts from my head and put them to music.

"How do you do it, Jasper?" I asked in amazement.

"How do I do what, darlin'?"

"How do you know just the perfect song?"

I could hear him smile in response. "I've listened to a lot of music and I have perfect recall."

"Oh," when he put it like that, it sounded almost routine.

"And I've had a lot of time lately to listen to music that makes me think of you and the way you make me feel."

"How do I make you feel?" I asked tentatively. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to answer. We were treading on dangerous ground. I should have known he'd respond with another song, a song I recognized and knew well.

_The world was on fire, no one could save me but you  
Strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you  
No, I don't want to fall in love  
No, I don't want to fall in love  
With you  
_

He broke the song off, the absence of his voice startling. I understood perfectly. It wasn't just me. He had felt it too. We were both trying to resist, because there were too many people who would be devastated if we gave in.

"Bella, what are you thinking?" He asked, his voice betraying just a slight hint of anxiety. Belatedly, I realized that I hadn't reacted to the song. I needed to reassure him but I couldn't speak, so I responded by singing the next verse.

_What a wicked game you play  
To make me feel this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To let me dream of you  
What a wicked thing to say  
You never felt this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To make me dream of you  
And I don't wanna fall in love  
No I don't want to fall in love  
With you_

I stopped singing, listening to more silence between us. My heart ached.

"Bella, I never . . ." he finally said, letting the rest of the sentence hang. I didn't need to hear the end.

"I know, Jasper. Neither did I."

He sighed heavily. "What are we going to do?"

I sighed too. "We'll spend a little more time together as good friends, until your training is over and you go back."

"Darlin', you don't know how much I wish things were different."

"Actually, Jasper, I think I do. I think I know exactly. But we can't do anything about it, so we have to let it go. Things are what they are – it's not within our control." Two tears slipped out of the corners of my eyes, but I refused to give in and let more of them escape.

"I know," his voice was full of resignation. "I've kept you up too late with this drivel. You need to get some rest. Goodnight, sweet Bella."

"Just one more thing, Jasper."

"Yes?"

"Will you sing me my lullaby?"

And he began to sing once more.

**Now that you're finished, I have to confess that this conversation – a late night call with a guy who wanted to profess his love but could only do it through songs – actually happened to me. So I'm really imposing stories from my own life on poor, unsuspecting Jasper. In many ways I'm a hopeless romantic, so the whole love through song worked for me. But I really am worried that I may have laid it on a bit too thick here, so you have to let me know – do I leave it or do I make it less sing-songy? **

**For those interested, the first song is called Language, by Susanne Vega, from the album Solitude Standing. I took some liberties with the lyrics, moving verses around to better suit the story. **

**The second song is Wicked Game by Chris Isaac, from the album Heart Shaped World.**

**Review, please, with feedback (if you don't think the chapter works but don't want to leave a negative review, feel free to PM me)! Thanks in advance. **


	15. Chapter 15: Aftermath

**Thanks so much for your reviews on the last chapter. Based on everyone's feedback, I will leave it as is.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

Chapter 15: Aftermath

The downside to falling asleep while still on the phone with someone who has perfect hearing is that when you wake up there is nowhere to hide. I opened my eyes Tuesday morning with a clear memory of the previous night's conversation and an overwhelming sense of terror. It had been hard enough to say what little I actually said last night, under the cover of darkness. In the light of day I just wanted to take it all back. I knew after last night things had to change, and I feared not for the better. I just wanted to turn back time to Monday morning.

I was careful not to move or make a single noise during my musings, trying to figure out what to say to Jasper when I was finally ready to speak. But I must have done something to give myself away, because all too soon he spoke.

"Good morning, Bella."

"Hi Jasper," I said quietly, tentatively. I hadn't felt so awkward with him since the night I first saw him at the house. After last night's revelations I wasn't sure how to proceed.

"Don't stress. Last night doesn't have to change anything. We'll find a way to make it work," he said quietly. Once again I wondered how he was able to read my mind and my mood, even across the miles. But seriously? _Last night doesn't have to change anything?_ How exactly were we going to close Pandora's Box? He was deluding himself. Last night changed everything.

"We shouldn't have talked about it," I said sadly. "Now that we know how we feel, it will be impossible. . ."

"Nothing's impossible, Bella." He objected vehemently. "I'm glad we know," and then, in a softer tone "Now that we both know what we're up against, we can help each other. It will make things easier." I wasn't sure if he was trying to convince me or himself. I wish I had his capacity for denial.

_Now that we both know what we're up against_. Is that how he saw it – the feelings that were starting to grow between us? As some sort of an obstacle to fight through? My anger flared, and then immediately receded. Yes, I supposed that's exactly what they were. The feelings were a barrier to our friendship, a barrier to normal relationships with his family, a barrier to our inevitable future apart from one another. They were something to battle and conquer. And in a battle, it was better to have allies. Major Jasper Whitlock would have been keenly aware of that.

I sighed. I didn't want to think about battles. I didn't want to think about the future. And most of all, I didn't want to think about what mental deficiency drove me towards falling for men that could never love me back the way I loved them. There were self-help books out there for women like me, weren't there? Probably shelves and shelves full. I made a mental note to stop by a book store next time I was in Port Angeles to find therapy in a paperback.

"Bella, please don't shut me out. What are you thinking?" I knew he needed me to tell him how I felt, but I could not. There wasn't enough time and I didn't have the emotional strength.

"I'm thinking I need to get ready for school before I'm late. I'll call you tonight."

"Bella . . ." he was pleading.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I can't do this right now. I need time to figure things out. I'll call you tonight."

"Okay," he responded. "Take care of yourself today." I heard the dissatisfaction and anxiety in his voice, but there was nothing I could do to help him

"I will," I promised and hung up the phone.

School was positively awful. Everyone seemed to sense my horrible mood and continually asked me what was wrong. It's not that I didn't appreciate the concern, but what was I supposed to tell them? There was nothing else going on in my life that could possibly account for my mood shift, and I couldn't say anything about Jasper. I briefly considered confiding in Angela, but dismissed the thought almost immediately. What would she think of me if she found out that I was falling in love with my ex-boyfriend's brother who also happened to be dating my former best friend? I didn't think even Angela had it in her to see that kind of behavior as anything but abhorrent.

I did my best to isolate myself from everyone all day. I'd never spent so much time in bathroom stalls in my life, but it was the only place where I could be assured privacy and freedom from unwelcome inquiries. In my mind, I kept replaying the conversation from last night.

_"What are we going to do?" _

_"We'll spend a little more time together as good friends, until your training is over and you go back." _

_"Darlin', you don't know how much I wish things were different."_

I knew we both wished things were different. But wishing, no matter how hard, does not make it so.

By the end of the day people stopped talking to me, realizing that I would not answer their questions. I was grateful. Then, in my last class, I walked in to find a candy bar on my desk wrapped in a piece of notebook paper. Confused, I unwrapped the note.

"Just hoping this will make you feel better and bring out your gorgeous smile."

I scrunched up my face, still no closer to figuring out where the note and candy had come from. I looked around the room and my eyes stopped on Mike, who was looking at me expectantly. When he saw me looking at him his face lit up and he gave me a half-wave. I couldn't help but smile back. He gave me the thumbs up sign with both hands, and turned back to the front of the classroom.

It was silly, but this little gesture actually made me feel better. No questions, no pestering, just something sweet to brighten my day. Mike really was a good friend.

Mike and I were both scheduled to work that evening, but once again a steady stream of customers kept us occupied. I made sure that he saw me eating the candy bar on my break, and sent him another grateful smile. Then I quickly looked away, sending as strong a signal as I could that I wanted to be alone. As if not wanting to disturb the chocolate bonding, Mike didn't try to approach me for the rest of the night.

Back at home it was the usual dinner and homework routine. I watched some more Firefly, but my heart wasn't in it. I barely paid attention. I was so nervous about calling Jasper. I still had no idea what I was going to say. I wanted to be mature and nonchalant, but I just felt like crying. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. I had no business thinking of Jasper as anything but a friend or an older brother, and he had no business stirring up other feelings in me with his thoughtful gestures, and his darlin's and his lullabyes. We both stepped over the line and now we would both have to pay the price and it wasn't fair.

I hid the DVD player in the closet and grabbed a book. I heard Charlie come upstairs and yell good night through the door. I should have gotten ready for bed and turned off the lights, but I was a coward, trying to put off the inevitable to the last possible moment. When I finally went to the bathroom I took extra time to make sure every tooth was brushed three times and that every inch of my face was thoroughly scrubbed clean. I even folded my clothes before dumping them into the laundry hamper. Eventually, I ran out of excuses. With a heavy sigh I turned off the lights, got under the covers, put on the earpiece and called Jasper.

"How are you?"

"Not great," I admitted. "You?"

"I've been better. I want to see you so badly today. I was so close to getting in the car and driving back, or leaving it at an airport and flying."

"Why didn't you?"

He paused. I could tell he didn't really want to answer. "I wasn't sure I'd be welcome. When you wouldn't talk to me this morning, I didn't know what to think. I wondered if you'd prefer that I not return to Forks."

"Oh, Jasper," I sighed, "it's not that I wouldn't talk to you, I just didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say."

"I've had all day to think with few distractions. Would you like me to start?"

"Please." I shut my eyes tight, my stomach in knots over what he was about to say.

"First of all, we haven't done anything wrong. We may have had thoughts that went beyond friendship, but we haven't acted on them. I think it's important we remember that."

"Right." My voice was small. He was right, of course, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Second, our friendship began under extreme circumstances. You had just lost Edward and I . . . I was separated from . . . from my family. In that kind of environment, where we were both hurt and lonely, it was easy to misinterpret signs, misidentify emotions."

What was he saying? That my attraction for him was just some sort of need to replace Edward and that in his eyes I was a substitute for Alice? I pressed both of my hands tightly across my face, putting extra pressure on my eyes to keep my tears at bay.

"Third, I think we had always represented the forbidden and dangerous to one another. We weren't allowed to interact. Now that we are getting to know each other, it's natural to feel that thrill of finally achieving that which had previously been denied. It's bound to intensify the relationship artificially, beyond what it would ordinarily be."

Everything he said sounded so cold and clinical and it was dead wrong. I wanted to scream! The attraction I felt towards him had nothing to do with danger or any other boy, even Edward. It had everything to do with the person I've gotten to know over the past two weeks. The kind, caring, funny, handsome, sexy, mysterious, charming . . . _Stop it, Bella! Thoughts like these are what got you in this mess to begin with!_

I re-focused on what Jasper had said and realized that, of course, he wasn't really talking about me. The whole day of thinking about the situation had only given him insight into his own feelings and the motivation behind them. So for him it was the extreme circumstances of our friendship, and his view of me as the forbidden fruit, that inspired the response he initially misinterpreted as attraction. The wave of pain that washed over me as I recognized the true nature of his feelings was overwhelming, and suddenly I was right back on the path, watching Edward disappear into the forest, feeling worthless and alone.

"Bella," Jasper's gentle voice broke through the fog of my self-pity, "you still haven't said anything. Won't you please tell me what you're thinking?"

And here was the difference between Edward and Jasper. The precise difference that drove my feelings for Jasper. He cared about me and what I had to say. He could have easily behaved like Edward and left me when he realized that his feelings for me had been an illusion, but he didn't need to crush me for his own entertainment. And he said he wanted to come back to Forks to see me. However false some of his emotions towards me had been, he still wanted to be my friend.

Could I do this? Could I go on with the friendship and tuck away all my other feelings for him? Could I hide them from Jasper of all people? But what was the other option? I couldn't face the possibility of losing all of him right now. A friendship, however brief, was better than nothing.

"Bella, I know you're still there. I can hear your breathing. Please, darlin', don't do this. Say something, anything. Curse me, berate me, it doesn't matter. Just please say something. Let me hear your voice."

I was afraid to speak. Afraid that my voice would betray me. And I wasn't ready for that, wasn't ready to let him know how fragile and vulnerable I suddenly became. Still, I knew I had to speak. There was only one thing to do. Ask him a question. Keep him talking.

"Jasper?" My voice was raspy, uneven.

"Yes?"

"I need to know . . . Will you tell me . . ." I hesitated.

"Yes?" He was apprehensive.

"Will you tell me what happened with you and your family after the birthday party?"

For a long while there was nothing. My tears could no longer be contained and spilled out of my eyes like a torrent. I started breathing through my mouth, consciously trying to keep my breaths even so as not to alert him to the change, though I knew it was useless. Even my human ears picked up the increased pace and volume. Finally, Jasper spoke, his voice raw.

"After Emmet and Rosalie wrestled me outside and the bloodlust receded, I ran. I needed to be alone. I was disgusted by what I had done, by my lack of control over the monster that lived within me so close to the surface. I was horrified that I wanted to kill you and how close I came to accomplishing my goal. I didn't want to go back.

"Eventually Edward caught up with me and forced me to stop. The fury and loathing he felt overwhelmed me, but even worse was the pity and the concern. I listened to him because I knew I owed him, and he convinced me to return for Alice and Esme.

"What followed were the hardest days of my life since the three days I spent burning while turning into a vampire. The house was flooded with emotions: rage, anger, disgust, resentment, shock, pity. I absorbed them all and they amplified the emotions within me beyond the point of endurance. I was going out of my mind. It was the most intense pain and torture I had ever experienced in my life.

"Worse than anything else were Alice's feelings. She tried to hide them from me, but they overwhelmed her as well. She too felt the shock and pity, but she also felt an incredible amount of guilt and regret and self loathing. If I were capable of death, the pain of her feelings would have killed me. I knew she felt guilty for not seeing my attack before it happened, not being able to stop and control me. Then, when Edward announced that he wanted us to leave Forks, all of those feelings increased even more, and I know she felt that bringing me to the Cullens and then not being able to control me was the cause of Edward's loss of happiness and the family's inability to stay in a place they loved. She took all the responsibility on herself, even though I had been the monster who caused the situation.

"She never said anything, and through it all I felt her love, but I knew that while I was with her and the rest of the family I would never be able to break out of the tailspin of emotions, where their feelings mixed with mine and forced me into the deepest, darkest place within me. Trapped as I was in my personal emotional hell, I was useless to the rest of the family. One way or another I had to leave, for everyone's sake.

"It was Carlisle who suggested that I separate myself from the family for a while. He explained that after I had a chance to deal with my own emotions, I would be able to return and handle my relationship with the rest of them. It was always intended as a temporary parting.

"Alice refused to go along with Carlisle's plan. She begged and pleaded for me to go with them. She even offered to leave the Cullens and for the two of us to go our separate way, but I couldn't do that to her. I knew how close she was with the rest of the family and I knew that if we left, as much as she loved me, a part of her would always mourn for the loss of the others. And knowing that I caused a part of her to die would torment me forever. It was better to follow Carlisle's advice, and deal with all the pain at once.

"In the end, it was Edward who convinced Alice to agree to the arrangement. He shamed and guilted her into it, calling her selfish for placing her needs before mine and the rest of the family's. I hated him for it, but it was the only way.

"We agreed that there would be no contact between us until I was ready to return. That rule was for my benefit. I knew that as soon as I spoke with any of them, especially Alice, I would return, even if I wasn't ready.

"I didn't tell anyone where I would go, and at first I intended to go back south, to Houston. But then I realized that the best place to deal with my demons was the place where I lost control of them – Forks. The house was shuttered. No one would have to know I was there.

"Initially I had wanted to avoid all human contact. Then I realized that this was exactly the opposite of what I needed. I knew that the only way I could go back to the family was if I could prove that I could control the bloodlust, all by myself, just as they were all able to. So I devised my training plan. And you know the rest."

Tears continued to pour from my eyes as I listened to his story. I felt every bit of his pain, every bit of the overwhelming flood of emotion. This was so much worse than anything I could have imagined.

"Jasper," I whispered, horrified. Again I was at a loss for words. 'I'm sorry' just didn't seem adequate.

"It's all right, Bella. The plan is working. You saw for yourself that I'm getting stronger."

"Yes. I always knew you would."

"I know. From the moment I told you what I was doing you had more confidence in me that even I did. It was comforting, and flattering. You didn't even know me. Your feelings, your reactions, never fail to surprise and confuse me."

"I may not have known you, but I felt your determination and resolve. And I knew once you had a plan you would execute it. Still, this must be horrible for you. You must miss her so much." As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to take them back. I didn't know why I had brought her into the conversation. Was I trying to cause him more pain?

There was another silence. Mentally I berated myself for my thoughtlessness. But when Jasper spoke, his voice wasn't pained. Instead, it was even and measured.

"Bella, there's something else. Something else I have to tell you. Earlier today I spoke with Alice."

**Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it seemed like a natural place for the chapter to end. So what do you all think of Jasper's rationalization of their feelings and Bella's reaction? And did his description of what happened after the party meet your expectations? **

**I'd love to hear your reaction, even if you hated what I did in this chapter. Please, leave a review.**


	16. Chapter 16: Vision

**So sorry for the cliffhanger from the last chapter. Hope the wait was worth it.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_ There was another silence. Mentally I berated myself for my thoughtlessness. But when Jasper spoke, his voice wasn't pained. Instead, it was even and measured._

_"Bella, there's something else. Something else I have to tell you. Earlier today I spoke with Alice."_

Chapter 16: Vision

My eyes opened wide in reaction to his words. He spoke with Alice! A hundred questions ran through my mind. Who called who and why? What did Alice say? Was everyone all right? Did she know about us? Did she want to kill me?

But first and foremost in my mind was the statement he had made only a few minutes earlier. _I knew that as soon as I spoke with any of them, especially Alice, I would return, even if I wasn't ready. _Jasper wasn't coming back to Forks. He was going back to the Cullens.

I swallowed hard. I didn't think I could ever feel worse than the day Edward left me on the path. I was so wrong. At least when Edward left there was the anger and resentment that I could hold on to and nourish when I felt overwhelmed by grief. Now there was nothing. We didn't even have a chance to say a proper goodbye. Jasper had left in the middle of the night and now there was nothing.

I couldn't stand to hear him say the words, to confirm my worst fears, so I reached for the phone and pressed the end key.

Within seconds the phone started buzzing. The vibrations reverberated on the floor. Worried about Charlie, I grabbed the phone and stuck it under my pillow. The vibrations didn't stop. A minute turned into five, then ten. The phone continued to vibrate. I considered turning the power off completely, but I couldn't bear to lose this one last thread of the connection between us, however tenuous.

After fifteen minutes the vibrations stopped. I felt a mixture of sadness and relief. It was really over. Then I heard the phone ringing downstairs. I glanced at my bedside clock. It was 12:30 a.m. The only calls at this hour would be emergencies. With dread I glanced at my now silent phone. He wouldn't! What would he say when Charlie picked up the phone? Desperate, I flipped open the mobile phone and pressed 1. The ringing downstairs stopped.

"You hung up on me," his voice was full of hurt and accusation. My grief was momentarily replaced by anger.

"Yes," I hissed, "Most people understand that to signal the end of a conversation. What are you doing calling my house? You could have woken Charlie!"

"You hung up on me," he repeated. "Why?" The genuine confusion and pain in his voice disarmed me.

"I just couldn't," I choked back a sob, "I didn't want to hear you telling me you weren't coming back."

"What?" He sounded incredulous.

"You said if you spoke with Alice you would go back even if you weren't ready."

"What?" He said again.

"When you were telling me what happened after the party. You said the no contact rules were there for you, because if you spoke with Alice you would go back even if you weren't ready." I resented him for making me say this out loud. It's not as if he didn't have perfect recall. Did he really have to humiliate me like this?

"Oh," he said. He sounded relieved. "Bella, silly girl, I was always going to come back to Forks. Did you really think I could just go hunting and then not return, just leave you like Edward did?" he stopped, obviously regretting making the comparison, "I always intended to come back. And Alice called to make sure I was going back."

"What?" it was my turn to be confused. Why would Alice want Jasper to come back to Forks? This didn't make any sense.

"Alice had a vision," Jasper was serious again. I panicked. Did Alice see something about me and Jasper? Had they quarreled? Did she order him to stay away from her? But he didn't sound like a man who had quarreled with his soulmate earlier. What in the world was going on? I felt like I stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone.

"What did she see?" I asked.

"She saw Laurent. She saw Laurent in Forks."

I stopped breathing. Laurent, the Nomad vampire who used to travel with James and Victoria, was coming to Forks. Laurent, who had not been a "vegetarian" like the Cullens, was heading for our little town. What if he decided to feed here? We were all in danger!

"Bella, breathe," Jasper commanded. I took a breath. "It's all right. Laurent had been living with Tanya and her family in Denali. He adopted the vegetarian lifestyle. As far as we know he plans to continue. But for some reason he's decided to leave Alaska and come back to the lower 48. Alice saw him in Forks. He was watching you. She didn't see him doing anything, but she wanted to make sure I came back to Forks to watch over you, just in case. And I would never leave you here alone while he was around. He may have lived as a "vegetarian" for a few months, but I know all too well how easy it is to slip back to our natural food source.

"We have a few days before his arrival, but I'm driving back now. And when next I see you we're going to have to set up some rules, just for a while, to keep you safe. All right?"

I couldn't answer. A nomad vampire was heading for Forks.

"All right, Bella?" Jasper's voice was harder now, demanding a response.

"All right," I answered, though I had no idea what I was agreeing to.

"Did Alice see anything else?" I asked tentatively.

"No, at least not that she told me. She said to say hello to you, and that she was sorry, and that she missed you."

"Oh. Okay." My eyes hurt from all the tears and my head hurt from all of the confusing information I received tonight. I glanced at the clock again. It was past 1:30. I groaned.

"Bella, what is it?" he was instantly alarmed.

"Nothing. I just have a headache, and it's late. . ."

I heard him curse under his breath.

"I'm so sorry, darlin', I lost track of time. And you have to get up for school tomorrow. Would you like me to sing you to sleep?"

He was merciless. Just because this didn't mean anything to him. . . But then it did mean something to me, and I would only be able to have him do this for a short period of time.

"Yes." I whispered.

"It's a new one," he said gently, "A special song just for tonight."

_Once there was a way to get back homeward  
Once there was a way to get back home  
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry  
And I will sing a lullabye  
Golden slumbers fill your eyes  
Smiles awake you when you rise  
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry  
And I will sing a lullabye  
Once there was a way to get back homeward  
Once there was a way to get back home  
Sleep pretty darlin' do not cry  
And I will sing a lullabye_

The next morning I woke up saying his name.

"I'm here, Bella," he replied. "Good morning. How do you feel?"

"Ugh," I groaned. "Head still hurts. Eyes still hurt."

"Take some Advil darlin', it will help with both,"

"I know. I will." I really did not want to get out of bed.

"Bella, can I ask you for a favor?" he asked gently.

"Yes, of course" I didn't hesitate.

"Please don't ever hang up on me again. It was . . . distressing. I was worried. I would have had Charlie check up on you if you hadn't called me back when you did. I promise I'll never keep you on the line if you want to go, but let me know that you're going, don't just hang up. Okay?"

"Okay," I mumbled, thoroughly embarrassed. I couldn't have been more rude to him last night if I tried. "I'm really sorry for doing that last night."

"It's all right, Bella, I understand. Now go get ready. You don't want to be late."

"I'll talk to you tonight, Jasper."

"Yes."

Since I didn't feel any better than I had the day before, I stayed out of everyone's way at school again. On occasion I saw people whispering behind me and knew they were gossiping about me, but I didn't care. My only goal was to get through my classes and head on to work.

The Newton's store was once again busy in the evening, and time passed quickly. Before I knew it my shift was over. I punched out and headed out to my truck.

"Bella, wait up," Mike had followed me to the parking lot. I couldn't ignore him, so I stopped and turned around, dreading the impending conversation.

"Hey, Mike," I said weakly, "Thanks for the chocolate yesterday."

"It's no problem. It was so good to see you smile. I should have given it to you earlier."

"No, your timing was just right. I may not have been able to appreciate it earlier."

He didn't say anything and we stood in awkward silence.

"Okay, then. See you tomorrow," I said and started to turn back to the truck.

"Wait. Don't go yet."

I turned back to him slowly.

"I know it's late," he said, "so I'll try to make this short. I would have talked to you earlier, but it's nearly impossible to catch you alone," he sounded a bit uncertain, almost as if he sensed I surrounded myself with people by design.

I remained silent, waiting for him to continue. Mike's eyes roved the surface of the parking lot. Then, suddenly, he looked straight into my eyes.

"Bella, I'm your friend and I always will be, no matter what you tell me tonight."

_Oh-oh_. This was not a good start. I took a deep breath.

"I know that, Mike. What is it?"

"Well, I know that you and Edward were really close. And I know that you told Jessica you were ready to date other people, but Saturday . . . um. . . Saturday I got the impression that you felt differently." He paused. His eyes shifted back to the ground. It was clear he was uncomfortable. Then he looked at me again. "And . . . well . . . I wanted to ask you . . . Are you just not ready to move on or . . . or is it me?"

My heart jumped in my chest and constricted painfully. I looked at him, standing in front of me, so vulnerable. My friend from the first day we met. My very human, very available friend. He had been there for me from the beginning, making sure I fit in with other students, sheltering me as much as was possible in gym class, helping me find a job, cheering me up when I needed it, just being there for me, even when I was dating Edward, all without any expectations. Of course he wasn't Jasper, or Edward even, but what human could possibly ever compete with their immortal perfection? Was it fair to use them as a benchmark that all future love interests had to measure themselves up against when clearly both of them were beyond my very human reach?

Jasper was only going to be here for a few more weeks, before he left Forks and me forever. And I now knew his feelings for me were merely platonic. I knew, because if there had been more to his feelings he would not be coming back. Alice would have seen it and would have demanded that he return to her before anything actually happened. She may have still been concerned about Laurent, but she could have sent Emmet to guard me. Alice had known, and now I knew, that Jasper was hers, and that there was nothing between me and him except a foolish girl's fantasy.

So would it really be so awful, so wrong, to let myself try to fall in love with Mike? To see what it would be like to have a human boyfriend? To let things happen and see where they led? Deep down I knew I wasn't ready to shoot him down, to deny this possibility, to permanently close this door.

"Mike," I knew I had to let down my guard, had to let myself be equally vulnerable, "it's not you. You're right, I'm just not quite over him, not quite ready."

There was a hint of a spark in his eye, but his face was still cautious.

"But you think that maybe . . . maybe some day . . . you might be ready? To try? To be with me?" His eyes pleaded with mine for confirmation. I had to respond. I had to make a decision. And I really wanted – no, I really needed – to keep hope alive, for both of our sakes.

"Maybe, Mike . . ." I said quietly, "maybe some day?"

He let out a breath I hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"All right, then I'll wait," He smiled at me tentatively and I smiled back. Then, suddenly, I panicked. I didn't want to close the door, but I also didn't want to mislead him.

"I can't be certain I'll ever . . ."

He stepped forward and placed a finger over my lips to silence me.

"Shhh," he said, "I understand. I'm not looking for guarantees. I'm patient. I can wait." Then he pulled me close to him and wrapped his arms around me. I stiffened, then relaxed as I realized that this was intended as a friendly, comforting embrace, nothing more.

"And no matter what you decide," he whispered in my ear, "No matter what happens, we'll always be friends."

I nodded in mute agreement. He released me and took both of my hands in his, looking searchingly into my eyes.

"Okay, Bella?" He asked.

"Yes," my voice was barely audible.

He let go of my hands, stepped back and smiled a wide smile.

"So, would you like to go to the bond fire at First Beach next weekend? Just as friends," He held up both of his hands in a defensive gesture. I smiled back.

"Yes, Mike, I'd love to go. Just as friends."

He nodded and started walking back to his car. "OK! See you at school tomorrow, Bella."

"See you," I replied, the smile still on my face. I turned around and unlocked the driver side door. This had been such an unexpected turn of events, but I felt great. My heart felt lighter. Things between Mike and me were finally right. Ben and Angela were officially off Bella shielding duty.

I opened the door, got into the truck and started the engine without paying much attention. Only when I turned my head to make sure the parking lot behind me was clear, did I realize that the passenger seat was occupied.

**Yes, I know, I know. I'm cruel to give you another cliffhanger. What can I say? I need to do something to keep you coming back for more. ;-)**

**The new lullabye is Golden Slumbers by the Beatles, from the Abbey Road album. I took the liberty of changing the original "darling" to "darlin'". Wasn't it perfect for this night? The phrase "golden slumbers fill your eyes" makes me think of dreaming of Jasper.**

**I know some of you will hate me for the scene with Mike. Please don't. Mike is not a bad guy, and it's unfair for us to expect Bella to be alone if Jasper decides to go back to Alice. It's never a bad thing to have a plan B. **

**So how about Bella, hanging up on Jasper? Even I didn't expect her to do that until I actually wrote it. And what do you think about the whole Alice vision thing? **

**Take a moment to write a review, please! **


	17. Chapter 17: Anger

**For those of you who are regular readers, this is the new and improved Chapter 17. For those of you who are reading this for the first time, I originally wrote a slightly weaker version of this chapter and decided to modify it after several readers left comments that echoed some of my misgivings. All of which is to say, please provide me feedback through reviews, as I actually listen. I won't always go to measures as drastic as re-writing the chapter, but I do take all comments into consideration as I write future installments.**

**For regular readers, the changes start after Bella confronts Jasper.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_I opened the door, got into the truck and started the engine without paying much attention. Only when I turned my head to make sure the parking lot behind me was clear, did I realize that the passenger seat was occupied._

Chapter 17: Anger

I nearly jumped out of my skin in fright before I recognized the other car occupant.

"Jasper!" I cried with surprise and pleasure. "You're here! I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow."

"Apparently not," he said dryly, looking out the driver's side window past my head. I turned and followed his gaze to see Mike getting into his Suburban.

"Oh," I said. "I guess you heard all that?"

"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, but with the two of you the only people in the parking lot, it was kind of hard to miss. You didn't tell me how much things have changed while I was away." On the surface his voice was neutral, but I thought I detected the barest hint of accusation.

"Changed? I don't know what you mean?" I was confused.

"Last Friday you were seeking advice on how to hold Mike off. Tonight you didn't seem to mind getting closer."

I wasn't sure what was going on, where this conversation was going, and why we were having it in the first place, but I was getting a little mad. I was about to protest when Jasper said.

"I feel Mike becoming quite worried, probably because you haven't pulled out of the lot yet. We'd better go before he decides to investigate."

I groaned, but looked back again and pulled the truck out of the parking space. I drove to the lot exit, not knowing which way to turn. My house was to the right, Jasper's to the left.

"Where should we go?" I asked.

"Charlie's expecting you home, right?"

"Yes."

"You're already late due to the parking lot delay, so we'd better go to your house before Charlie starts to worry and sends out a search party. Plus, Mike is still watching, and we don't want him to think you're driving off to meet another suitor."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He was staring straight ahead. I knew he could see me with his excellent peripheral vision, but it was clear he was not interested in eye to eye contact. _Fine. Two can play this game_. I shifted my eyes to the road and completed the right turn. We drove in silence for a few minutes until I found a deserted spot with a shoulder wide enough to pull the truck completely off the road.

"What are you doing?" Jasper asked in surprise as I maneuvered the truck onto the shoulder and put it in park. I turned to face him.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said, my voice elevated. "What is your problem?"

One moment I felt anger building within me, the next I was filled with incredible calm and peace. Incredible, because it wasn't real. I knew Jasper was using his ability to change my emotions. Trying to hold on to the anger was impossible, so I did the only thing I could think of.

"Please, don't," I requested calmly. "I would very much like to be myself tonight, not some emotional marionette whose puppet master pulls invisible strings." Jasper looked away and the anger returned, though at a lower intensity. I looked at him suspiciously.

"Are you still. . .?" He turned towards me again and met my gaze straight on.

"No, Bella. This is all you."

"Fine." I crossed my arms across my chest in defiance, though I didn't quite know what I was defying. I chewed on my lower lip in frustration. I still wanted to address our conversation from earlier, but this new subject was even more important. I decided I had to tackle it first.

"Jasper," I said, my voice surprisingly steady, "if we are to remain friends," his eyes darted to my face in shock – he had not been prepared for this. In truth, I hadn't been either. I didn't really know this self-possessed Bella who had somehow taken over the conversation.

"If we are to remain friends," I repeated, "then you have to respect me." I saw him opening his mouth to say something. "Please, let me finish." I quickly interjected. "I'm sure you're used to using your ability to calm all sorts of situations and I know that in the past I've never objected when you used it on me, but that was before we were trying to build a relationship of equals. In our friendship I will always be at a disadvantage, since you can read my emotions and I can't read yours. That's bad enough. But to have you manipulate my emotions without my permission is completely unfair. It robs me of free will.

"I was angry earlier. I know that particular emotion may be difficult for you to be around, but I had a right to be angry. And when you took away my ability to feel that anger and forced me to feel the exact opposite, I felt completely helpless and violated."

Jasper's face contorted in pain, as though I'd hit him. His hands balled into fists and he squeezed his eyes tight, his face still twisted into a grimace. All of his visible muscles were contracted to the point that his entire body was twitching slightly like a conduit for an electric current. It was clear he was waging some internal battle, fighting for control. I could only watch, terrified, not knowing what caused this sudden change or what he was thinking or feeling.

He must have sensed the shift in my emotions even through his internal struggle, because his eyes snapped open and he looked at me, frowning. He cursed under his breath with barely restrained fury. My fight or flight instinct was on full alert and I knew fighting was not an option. Keeping my movements as small as possible, I inched away from him and reached behind me in search of the door handle. I should have realized that however small my movements seemed to me, they would be obvious to him.

"Don't," he said through clenched teeth, "Please, Bella, don't leave. I swear you're not in any danger. Just give me a minute."

I stopped moving. Jasper's assurance that I was not in danger decreased my level of anxiety. The only fear I had now was for him and whatever internal demons he was trying to conquer. After another minute I saw his body start to relax and his face returned to its normal demeanor. He took a deep breath.

"I'm only making it worse, aren't I?" he asked.

"Your reaction was more intense than I expected," I whispered. There was no point in lying. He knew exactly what I was feeling.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry I scared you. But it was either that or going out there and smashing some trees into toothpicks. It's still a challenge for me to control my anger."

"But I don't understand why you were so angry? Was it because I was angry with you? Is that why you tried to calm me? Because you knew my anger would provoke this kind of reaction from you?"

"No. It had nothing to do with that. I was angry that I hurt you, that I made you question whether you even wanted to be around me. The anger was completely self-directed. I just. . ." he sighed. "I just want to be worthy of your friendship, because I know I haven't always been and I have a lot to make up for. But I keep screwing it up. I do things that I think will make you feel better, but it all seems to go wrong and I don't know why or how to change it. What do I do to stop driving you away?" In frustration, he ran his left hand through his hair, sweeping it away from his forehead, only to have it return in a cascade of gold waves as soon as his hand was gone. I felt a shiver of excitement go through me and hoped Jasper was too involved with his thoughts to notice. I watched him carefully, but saw no visible reaction.

"I am so sorry I made you feel the way I did earlier," He continued, sounding absolutely miserable. "I just didn't realize. I wasn't thinking. I never meant to hurt you or control you, or make you feel disrespected. You have to believe me."

He was taking this much worse than I'd expected. I didn't want to hurt him, I just wanted him to stop changing my feelings against my will. I had to do major damage control, as quickly as possible.

"I know you didn't do it on purpose. I know using your ability is so ingrained that you do it without thinking. It's just that I don't think I can keep seeing you if I'm not allowed to be myself, to experience my own feelings. I can't be friends with someone who manipulates me or tries to control me, even when they think they're doing it for my own good."

"I know, Bella. I understand and I absolutely agree. Would you believe you're the first person to ever say these things to me, to ever put it that way? My family is so used to these stupid powers – Edward's mind reading, Alice's visions, my empathic abilities – that no one has ever seriously complained. And I've never been close enough to anyone else who knew what I was doing for them to tell me how it made them feel. I suppose Edward might have heard complaints, but he never said anything . . . I can't believe I've been such an idiot. I'm an emotional molester."

"Jasper," I said quietly, "Please stop berating yourself. You didn't know and you were just using your ability to defend yourself against my anger. It was instinctive for you. I understand."

He interrupted me with a bitter laugh. "Instinctive," he spat out with disgust. "Yes, my instincts certainly lead me to damage others. That's been the one constant in my life."

_Oh crap. Open mouth, insert foot. What the hell did I have to say that for? How could I forget it was his instinctive lust for my blood that put this situation in motion in the first place? Think, Isabella, for heaven's sake think before you speak!_

"Jasper, please stop," I whispered, feeling absolutely awful. He looked at me again, but now his face was cautious. "You're doing it again," I said, "Although you're being completely fair about it," I quickly added.

"What do you mean?" he was confused. Good. Confusion was better than anger or self-pity.

"You're reacting way too strongly to what I've said. Instead of being mad at you for what you did, I have to feel awful for hurting you too much."

His face changed from confusion to disbelief. He threw his head back and laughed, but it wasn't a happy laugh. _What the hell did I say now?_

"Bella, you're impossible!" _Huh?_

"Only you could take a situation like this and manage to make yourself feel badly about it. Damn, but we're a damaged pair."

I wasn't sure I understood what he was talking about, but at least he was no longer angry with himself. That was a step in the right direction. I had to keep it going.

"Jasper, I need you to listen to me. I understand. Just like you understood this morning about me hanging up, and only asked me not to do it again instead of dwelling on it. It's like that. If you want me to keep seeing you then just never manipulate my feelings against my will again. Simple." He hung his head. He was back to feeling miserable. When he spoke, his voice was filled with remorse.

"I really am sorry, Bella. I was trying to help, to make the situation more comfortable. But I see now that it only made things more comfortable for me." He looked up at me, staring straight into my eyes. "I swear it will never happen again!"

"I believe you." I said simply. He seemed satisfied and settled back into his seat.

"And if you slip," I made sure my voice was light and teasing, so he knew I was just trying to further ease the tension, "I suppose we could always stay phone friends, since your gift doesn't work long-distance."

He groaned. Then he turned back to face me and leaned closer, his topaz eyes staring deeply into mine, his voice turning low and husky.

"Darlin', I would rather be torn to shreds and burned in the deepest pit of hell than to slip up and face those consequences. As much as I love hearing your voice on the phone, I couldn't exist if something I did caused us to never see each other again. The way I feel when I'm with you – I can't describe it, I can't explain it, but it's absolutely irreplaceable."

**Whether you're a returning or new reader, I'd love to hear your comments. It's easy to review – just click the review button and start typing! **

**Thanks!**


	18. Chapter 18: A swim in Denial

**First of all, I would like to let all of my regular readers know that I re-wrote parts of Chapter 17. It's not that I didn't like the original, but after reading some of your reviews it was pretty clear that I didn't quite get my point completely across. And, to be fair, the reviews were accurate. Jasper's reaction could have been more mature. So I went back and re-write the chapter, hopefully for the better. The beginning is still the same, but Jasper's reaction is a little different. **

**If you like the old chapter 17, then just ignore this note and don't bother going back. If you thought it could be improved, by all means check it out and let me know what you think. At this point I'm relatively happy with it and won't be changing it again, but I'd still love to know your thoughts.**

**As for this chapter, I know it won't be satisfying for some of you, and for that I'm sorry. I believe in building a romance and not rushing into things, and this romance is just simmering right now – it still needs time to come to a full boil (which, keeping in mind the T rating of the story, can only go so far). Plus, I still believe that anticipation is half the fun! For those of you who don't agree, I only hope I provided enough enticement here of chapters to come to make you want to keep reading. Enjoy! **

**A huge thanks to Deborah and Megan for their continued help and feedback! **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_He groaned. Then he turned back to face me and leaned closer, his topaz eyes staring deeply into mine, his voice turning low and husky. _

_"Darlin', I would rather be torn to shreds and burned in the deepest pit of hell than to slip up and face those consequences. As much as I love hearing your voice on the phone, I couldn't exist if something I did caused us to never see each other again. The way I feel when I'm with you – I can't describe it, I can't explain it, but it's absolutely irreplaceable." _

**Chapter 18: A swim in Denial **

_Oh My God! _He was doing it again. Saying things in a way that made them so easy for me to misinterpret, to think he actually did care for me as more than a friend. I knew he didn't mean it the way I wanted him to, but a part of me was so desperate to believe. I had to do something to make him stop, stop using that sexy voice, stop leaning in so that his masculine, spicy scent overwhelmed my senses, and stop using the word darlin' that sent shivers down my spine and sent blood coursing through my veins at neck-break speed. If he continued, one day soon my resolve would crumble and I would grab him into a passionate kiss that would bring down on me the wrath of Alice and the whole Cullen family faster than I could say Forks.

_It doesn't matter how you feel about him. He doesn't feel the same way about you. Don't ruin what you already have by wishing for something that can never be. Say something. You need to let him know you understand what he's trying to say._

His proximity and his unyielding eyes made thinking difficult. Still, it was a necessary part of this charade that I think of a response, fast. My self preservation instinct finally clicked in and I was able to look away, which helped clear my head somewhat.

What was it that he had said? Something about being with me causing him to feel things he couldn't explain? Well, of course he couldn't explain it, any more than I could explain how I felt about spending a meaningful evening with a bowl of ice cream. He was fraternizing with food, for heaven's sake. Who could explain that?

"That actually makes sense," I muttered.

"What makes sense?" He sounded confused. _Shoot! Did I really say that out loud?_

I shot a glance in his direction from beneath my lashes, ready to look away instantly if there was any chance of getting caught back up again in that magnetic gaze. Though he was still facing me, his eyes were now relaxed. I was safe.

"It makes sense that being with me would make you feel differently than you've ever felt before. You've never spent this much time before in close proximity with a human, so of course this is different. Jut like any predator spending a lot of time with its natural prey," I saw him wince at that remark. It probably wasn't the best way to phrase what I was trying to say.

"What I mean," I quickly continued, "Is that this happens in nature from time to time. One of my neighbors in Phoenix had a pet German shepherd and a pet rabbit, and the two got along beautifully. In fact, the rabbit bossed the shepherd around. I'm sure the shepherd was pretty confused about how this little bunny made it feel, just as I'm sure the bond they had was uniquely theirs and would not transfer to other rabbits if they were foolish enough to cross the shepherd's path. So yes, I imagine this is very unique and irreplaceable for you."

He stared at me incredulously.

"Did you just compare me to a dog?"

I waved my hand in the air dismissively.

"Don't be overly sensitive. You know what I meant! Dog and bunny, lion and lamb, polar bear and seal, it doesn't matter. The point is the bond of friendship between a predator and its natural food source is extremely rare and unique." Even as I said the words I was in awe of the fact that I could categorize myself as a natural food source so easily in front of Jasper. Less than a month ago he wanted to treat me as a meal. Now, I felt completely safe with him in the proximity of the cab of my truck, alone, in the dark, on a deserted highway. Life was definitely strange.

He regarded me carefully.

"You know you're not really making any sense, right?"

"Ugh!," Of course I knew I wasn't making sense, or at least I was too distracted to figure out if I was making any sense, but I managed to move the conversation to a more comfortable level where I wasn't imagining that Jasper talked in a code that hid his true feelings for me. So sense or nonsense, I did really well.

My eyes felt on a small clock I mounted to the dashboard of the truck with double stick tape and I panicked.

"Holy Crow," I said, "It's so late! Charlie is probably going out of his mind."

My eyes darted to the road, half expecting to see the cruiser heading in our direction in a search for me and my truck. Fortunately there was no one there, so I shifted out of park and pulled back onto the road.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I wish I could talk longer, but Charlie is probably already really mad, and I would prefer not to be grounded while you're in town,"

"Of course, Bella. You know I don't want you to be grounded either. You're coming over tomorrow afternoon, right?"

"I want to, but . . ."

"But what?" he was clearly alarmed.

"Well, I haven't had a lot of time to cook lately and we're running out of leftovers. And I don't think I can do any more spaghetti and meatballs. Plus I have to shop. So as much as I'd like to come and see you, I just don't think I have time. I'll come Friday, though!"

"Bella, I haven't seen you all week. Can't you order a pizza or something? Or get one of those microwave entrees they advertise on TV?"

I considered his suggestion. On the one hand, Charlie could be wonderfully oblivious to many things. On the other hand, he knew how much I liked cooking and would be suspicious if I suddenly started microwaving our food or relying on take-out.

"I don't think that would work."

"What about cooking at my house? Esme's kitchen has every gadget and utensil known to man and if you give me a list I could go shopping tomorrow while you're at school. I could even help. I could be your sous chef."

I glanced over at him. He looked so hopeful, even a little excited. And I had to admit I liked the idea. After being so close to each other tonight, I knew he could tolerate sharing the kitchen with me. And it would be fun to cook with someone else. I wouldn't have him doing anything complicated, of course, but he could help with the basics. And the Cullens' kitchen was so large, maybe I could prepare several meals at the same time, which would give me more time with him down the road. Yes, this was definitely a good idea.

"Jasper, you're a genius!" Out of the corner of my eye I could see him smile.

"Why thank you, darlin'. After you get home make a list of everything you'll need, then tell me later tonight. I'll pick everything up in Port Angeles. I can even get things ready before you get to the house, if you tell me what I need to do."

_Whew!_ That darlin' didn't have nearly as much effect on me. Maybe my little pep talk from earlier was working.

"Sounds good," I said. "But you'll have to buy exactly what I tell you and not go overboard, like you did with the snacks. And you'll have to let me pay for the groceries."

"Bella!" he sounded frustrated. I pouted.

"I don't have to come over you know."

"All right, all right. You pay for the groceries."

I smiled. I was really looking forward to tomorrow. Cooking with Jasper would be great! Then I realized that we were nearly at my house and my smile disappeared. After so many days of not seeing each other, it was too soon to be separated.

"Should I pull over and let you out here?"

"Let's get a little closer to the house. I'll get out if I sense worry and concern. If I sense that Charlie's happy and content then he's unlikely to look out when you arrive and I can just leave after you go in." Apparently he didn't want to cut our time short either.

I kept driving, though without even realizing it I slowed down to a crawl. It wasn't enough time. There was still so much I needed to say. My mind went back to my conversation in the parking lot with Mike and Jasper's reaction. I needed to address that too, but it couldn't happen tonight. I needed to do it in person, so I could see his face. As imperfect of a gauge as that was, it was the only tool I had to read his emotions.

Even crawling along, I finally reached the driveway and pulled in. I looked at Jasper with longing, wishing there was some way I could stop time, some way I could avoid going inside just yet. Jasper hadn't left, so Charlie must not be worried. Maybe . . .

"You need to go inside, Bella. I hate it too, but even though he's not worried, Charlie's getting anxious. We'll talk in a few hours, right?" He sounded like he needed reassurance.

"Of course, Jasper. I have to put a shopping list together and do some homework, but I'll call as soon as I'm done."

"Good." He said, satisfied.

With nothing more to say, I opened the door and got out of the truck. I pulled my school bag out form its resting place behind the driver's seat and pressed down the door lock.

"Bella?" I heard Jasper say before I could close the door.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing Saturday?"

I thought about this for a moment. I hadn't made any plans.

"I don't know. Nothing in particular."

"Do you think you could find a way to spend the day with me? I'd like to take you to Seattle, just to hang out. We don't have to worry about running into anyone we know there and I want to spend a day with you somewhere other than my house."

There went that delicious warmth spreading throughout my body again, accompanied by that awesome tingling sensation. I felt like my feet lifted off the ground. I had to look down to make sure I wasn't levitating. Any thoughts I had of how difficult it was going to be to come up with an excuse to be out all day evaporated. Come hell or high water I was going to make this work. A whole day with Jasper! Out in the open! Just hanging out! WOW! I nearly giggled with delighted anticipation.

"I'd love to go to Seattle with you, Jasper. I'll figure something out!"

"Good. Talk to you soon."

"Soon." I promised, and closed the truck door. I wanted to keep looking at him as I was going in, but as klutzy as I was I knew this was a recipe for disaster. _Keep your mind on walking, Bella! You'll see him tomorrow, and Friday, and all day Saturday!_ In my heart an orchestra was playing Ode to Joy.

"Hey Bells, kind of late, isn't it?" Charlie called from the living room.

"Sorry, dad. Mike Newton and I were talking after work." Well, that technically was the truth. Just not the entire time.

"Oh, okay. You've been spending some time with Newton lately, anything I should be asking about?"

"No, dad," I rolled my eyes, though I knew he couldn't see me. "He's just a good friend."

"I see. Well, Newton's all right. He's not a trouble maker like some of the other yahoos in your class. If he ever becomes more than a friend, that'd be fine by me."

"Dad!"

"All right, all right. I'm just sayin'."

I didn't bother responding, knowing it would just keep the pointless conversation going. Instead, I went to the kitchen to warm up some leftovers. I checked the freezer – it was looking pretty bare. The fridge didn't hold much promise either. It really was time to start cooking again. I grabbed the last serving of chicken casserole and put it in the microwave to warm. As the food was heating, I grabbed my home-made book of favorite recipes and a pad and pen. I needed to make my list.

I put the book and writing material on the kitchen table and went back to get my food. Charlie came in the kitchen just as I was sitting down. His eyes lit up when he saw the recipe book.

"Cooking again, Bells? I was wondering if you lost interest in it."

"Nah. I've just been busy lately. I think I'm going to do a cooking marathon tomorrow so everything is re-stocked. Any preferences?"

"You know I'm not picky. As long as I don't have to cook it, I'll take anything."

I rolled my eyes again. The thought of Charlie cooking was almost laughable.

"Say, Bella, I'm going to La Push again Sunday for the game. Think you might want to go with me this time? Billy mentioned he missed you last week."

I cringed. I knew I would be seeing Japer all day Saturday, one way or another, but I was still reluctant to plan a whole day away from him. Plus I really didn't want to spend my day Sunday watching football. Charlie saw my lack of enthusiasm.

"Well, how about we go over early in separate cars? We can have brunch and then you can come back when the game starts?"

"Brunch? Who's cooking?"

"No one would have to cook. I could pick up some doughnuts and muffins at the coffee shop."

I thought about this for a while. I had visited La Push the last two Saturdays in a row, but would not be able to do that this weekend. A Sunday morning visit seemed like a good compromise.

"Okay, dad, but no doughnuts. I'll pick up some stuff and I'll cook brunch at Billy's. They could probably use a home cooked meal that didn't come out of a jar or can."

"Well, I don't think that's necessary, Bells, but if you'd like to it would be great! I'm sure they'd appreciate it."

"Sure," I shrugged. I had to think of what to cook that would be adequate for Charlie and Billy and Jake, who seemed to be eating for two. Although I didn't do it often, cooking breakfast was one of my favorite things. Now I had something to look forward to each day of the weekend.

Charlie went back to watch TV in the living room and I started flipping through my recipes to find the perfect dishes to cook tomorrow. I needed things that were simple, that didn't need a lot of prep, that required relatively few ingredients, and that could all cook or bake at the same time. I figured I could handle about three recipes. I settled for a chick pea and sausage stew, a taco casserole and a cheesy chicken and pasta dish I could prepare right on the stove top. In addition to being easy to prepare, the three dishes did well in the freezer and provided enough variety to last Charlie for a while.

I quickly jotted down the ingredients I would need to make all three recipes as well as the frittata I decided to serve on Sunday. I smiled when I visualized poor Jasper walking around a supermarket in Port Angeles trying to find everything on the list. None of the ingredients were particularly exotic, but this was his first ever food shopping trip. He had no idea what he had gotten himself into.

I washed the dishes, put away the recipe book, grabbed my shopping list and book bag and headed upstairs. I knew I should start my homework first, but the little flip phone acted like a powerful magnet. I really wanted to call Jasper now. I rationalized that I needed to call him while the lights were still on, in order to read off the list. As usual, he picked up on the first ring.

"You're calling early," he said. "Did you miss me as much as I missed you?"

"Quit teasing me. We just saw each other an hour ago. You can't possibly have missed me yet."

"It is a mystery," he agreed, "but I have missed you, darlin'. I surely have."

_Why, oh why, did he have to be such a flirt?_ Just a few words from him were enough to send me into a tailspin. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself. I fell back on my bed and basked in the warmth of a full-body flush. I never realized the phone was such a wonderful invention! Here, in the privacy of my room, my emotional reactions didn't matter. I could just revel in them all night! Then I realized that I still had stuff to do, stuff that had to be done before I could fully concentrate on Jasper. I sat back up and reached for my list.

"Umm, okay, but I actually called you with the shopping list. Are you ready?"

"Absolutely."

I rattled off the ingredients and quantities on my list.

"Jasper, are you sure you want to do this? Food shopping is not as easy as it sounds, especially the first time."

"I'll be fine, Bella. Don't worry."

"Okay," I said doubtfully. "I'm gonna go, then. I'll talk to you later."

"Wait"

"Yes?"

"I think you forgot something." Puzzled, I looked over my list. I didn't see anything missing.

"I'm pretty sure I got it all."

"What about chocolate?"

"Chocolate?" I didn't need chocolate for any of my recipes.

"Yeah. You like chocolate, right?"

"Yes," I said cautiously. I wasn't sure where he was going with this.

"What's your favorite kind?"

I thought about the question for a moment. Did I even have a favorite kind of chocolate? Pretty much anything with chocolate was fine with me. Then I remembered that I did have a favorite, though it's been a while since I last indulged.

"Caramello bars," I replied. "Why?"

"No reason." _Uh-huh. _I wondered what he was up to, but it didn't sound like he wanted to tell me so I let it drop.

"All right," I said, "Now I really do have to go. Homework awaits."

I hung up and went to my desk. I took out my books and started working on my assignments, but I couldn't stop thinking about the chocolate. It didn't make any sense at all. Why would Jasper care about what kind of chocolate I liked?

I kept working, but somewhere in the deep recesses my brain kept trying to figure out the chocolate puzzle. Every once in a while I had a fleeting moment of recollection, something that was important to solving this mystery, but it was gone before I could fully grasp it.

I finished my homework and went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. It finally hit me as I was brushing my teeth. Mike had given me chocolate yesterday, and mentioned it in our conversation tonight. Could Jasper actually be competing with Mike, trying to get me the same type of gift that Mike got me? But that was so ridiculous! Mike gave me a simple candy bar to make me smile. It wasn't anything special! _But Jasper doesn't know that, Bella._ I tried to remember exactly what Mike and I said to one another in the parking lot. I merely thanked him for the chocolate. I didn't gush about it or anything. Why would Jasper have focused his attention on such a trivial thing? _Maybe he. . . No! He definitely does not! _I sighed. This was just another thing I to address with him tomorrow.

I didn't want to think about anything negative tonight, so I filled my head with happy thoughts as I turned off the light and crawled into bed. I put on the earpiece and called Jasper again. As if by previous arrangement, we both avoided any controversial topics of conversation. Instead, we talked about our favorite books, and music and movies. We spoke for a long time, completely comfortable with each other, until I could barely keep my eyes open. It was time to go to sleep, but there was one thing I wanted to warn him about.

"Jasper," I said

"Yes?"

"You know you're not off the hook, right?"

"I'm sorry?" he said, clearly not understanding.

"The stuff I was mad about in the truck, we still need to discuss it. Tomorrow."

He didn't' answer, but it didn't matter. My warning delivered, I was ready to sleep. There was only one thing missing.

"Will you sing?" I asked. And he did.

**And there you go. No cliffhangers, no controversies. Just a sweet evening of Bella and Jasper getting to know each other better and making plans. I know I promised you more backbone Bella in this chapter and didn't deliver, but no worries, she will be back. **

**So what did you think? Now that you know I take reviews seriously, please leave one and let me know what you liked or disliked. Thanks!**


	19. Chapter 19: Partners

**I really, really thought this would be one chapter, but now that I'm ¾ of the way through I thought it would be nicer to break it up into two separate chapters and post this for you tonight while I'm finishing the next installment. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**Chapter 19: Partners **

Concentrating in school Thursday was nearly impossible when all I could think about was Jasper and the afternoon we would spend together. It was absolutely ridiculous, and I tried chastising myself often, but in the end I could only keep my mind off Jasper for a few minutes before I was day-dreaming again. Even when he wasn't nearby, he was absolutely mesmerizing.

I went through the morning on autopilot, making sure that I paid enough attention to get my homework assignments and not much else. I briefly considered the possibility that if Jasper stayed in Forks for too long, I would not be able to graduate with the rest of the class. I knew that I could not let myself get so distracted in the long term, but for now I didn't have the energy to fight it. The urge to think about him was just too strong.

On the way to lunch I head the cell phone buzz. I was shocked. I couldn't think of any reason Jasper would be calling me at school in the middle of the day. Alarmed, I ducked into the ladies' room and pulled the phone out of my book bag.

"Hello?" I said tentatively.

"Bella," he said, "can you talk?" He sounded serious. My heart dropped.

"Yes. What's going on?" I was expecting the worst. Maybe something happened to one of the Cullens?

"Um, I'm in the supermarket." Relief swept over me, and then I realized the humor of the situation.

"Uh huh," I said, expectantly.

"I was able to find almost everything on your list," he said.

"Great. Good job. Was it very difficult?

He sighed, "You'll never know." He sounded like he had just come in form a hard day in the coal mines. I almost felt sorry for him, but the situation was too amusing.

"Okay, so what's up?"

"I can't find chick peas," he complained. "I looked everywhere and all I can find are regular green peas. Is that what you meant? Or is there some secret human way to distinguish between masculine and feminine peas?"

I knew it wasn't very nice, but I couldn't help myself. The thought of feminine peas sent me into a fit of laughter that almost made me cry. I finally calmed down when I heard a low growl on the other end of the line.

"I'm glad I amuse you," Jasper said petulantly. "Care to fill me in on the joke?"

"Oh, Jasper, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you, really, but the thought of feminine peas. . ." I started giggling again.

"Yes?" His voice had a hard edge to it and I could tell he was getting annoyed. I became serious. He was doing me a favor and this was his first time shopping. He took on a big challenge, even bigger for him than most men, since he was totally unfamiliar with food and he had to shop in a store filled with humans. I really shouldn't have laughed at him. The whole thing must have been incredibly stressful for him. And he was willing to do it all just to spend an afternoon with me!

"Jasper, chick peas aren't really peas, they're beans. And they actually have two names. Some people call them garbanzo beans. That must be what they have in the store, in the canned vegetable aisle by all the other beans. I'm really sorry. I should have remembered about the two names and written them both down to make this easier for you. Will you forgive me?"

"Garbanzo beans, huh?" His voice was slightly warmer.

"Yes, so how about that forgiveness part?"

He sighed.

"Of course I'll forgive you, Bella. I know you didn't do it deliberately. I just hate feeling like an idiot."

"You are not an idiot! You couldn't have known about the two names. It's not like you've eaten anything in over a hundred years. Really, Jasper, you don't know how much I appreciate what you're doing for me today."

"Really? Would you like to show me how much you appreciate it?"

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, somewhat suspicious. He was up to something and I wasn't sure if it was wise to agree before I had more details.

"Saturday, when we go to Seattle, will you let me plan out our day and just enjoy yourself, with no complaints?"

_Oh-oh!_ This was a high price to pay for his forgiveness. If Jasper was like the rest of his family, his request could only mean one thing – he had made some elaborate and very expensive arrangements.

"Bella?" He was getting impatient. I bit my lower lip. In the grand scheme of things not complaining for one day should be something I could handle.

"Okay, Jasper. I'll let you plan and I won't complain. And then we'll be even?"

"Absolutely."

"Good. Then it's settled. And now I have to go. Lunch is almost half over and I haven't eaten."

"Alright. I'll see you soon, Bella!"

I put the phone back in my bag and headed for the cafeteria. It was really late. I'd have to grab something I could eat on the run if necessary. In the food line I avoided anything hot, choosing yogurt, pretzels and a small bag of carrot sticks instead. If necessary, I could munch on those between classes.

I headed for my usual lunch table, which was filled with my friends. Angela had saved me a seat and I gratefully sank into it.

"Are you all right, Bella?" She asked quietly. "You've been out of it all week," She was clearly concerned.

"I'm fine. Just a little distracted." Then, under my breath, "Mike and I talked last night." Angela's face betrayed her shock, then worry. "No, no," I assured her, "It's cool. I told him I wasn't ready to date anyone and he's fine with it. He said he can wait. So for now we're just back to being friends. You and Ben don't have to protect me anymore." I smiled. She smiled back.

"It wasn't a problem, you know," she said, "But I'm glad things worked out this way. I hated that you always had to be on your guard. It'll be nice to see you more relaxed."

"So," I said, "speaking of Ben, do you guys have any plans for this weekend?"

"Actually," she giggled, "We're going to Olympia for the whole day Saturday, just the two of us. Ben says he misses me and wants to go somewhere where we won't see anyone we know." My eyes opened wide and I looked to Angela's other side, where Ben was engaged in a conversation with Tyler. This couldn't be happening. It was just too perfect. There had to be a catch, right?

"That's so awesome, Angela. But listen, can you and Ben do me one last favor? I was hoping to go to Seattle this Saturday for the day, but I know Charlie would be worried if I was going alone. That's silly, of course. I am, after all, an adult. Anyway, if I told him that I was going with you and Ben to Olympia he wouldn't have to be worried and I could have my day of museums and book stores in peace. What do you say? Would you mind covering for me?"

Angela looked at me thoughtfully. I could tell she didn't believe my cover story any more than Charlie would have if I tried to spring it on him. I really was a terrible liar.

"Well," she said, hesitantly, "It probably would go over better with my mom too if she thought you were coming and Ben and I weren't alone." I nodded vigorously. "But Bella," she continued, "What are you actually doing? Are you really going somewhere alone? What if something happens to you? You're not thinking of anything crazy, like going to LA, are you?"

I cringed. LA! She thought I was sneaking off to see Edward. My nose wrinkled with distaste. He hadn't tried to contact me in all the time he'd been gone. Not once. Surprisingly, though, I didn't really care. Between my friends at school and Jasper and Jake, my time had filled out nicely and, except for the occasional annoying reminders, it really was beginning to feel like he'd never existed. I took a deep breath at this unexpected realization. I really was moving on.

Angela was still looking at me, waiting for the answer to her question. Of course, I couldn't be totally honest with her, but I could try to re-assure her.

"No, of course I'm not going to LA. How could I do that in just one day? Please don't worry. I promise I'll be fine. I can't really say more than that, but believe me, you don't have to worry about me. I'll be totally safe."

Angela didn't look convinced.

"Why don't you want to tell me what you're doing, then? If it's so safe."

I sighed. She had a point.

"I promise some day really soon I will. For now, would you please trust me? You know me, Angela. I'm not a risk taker." _Ha!_ But then, other than hanging out with vampires, I really wasn't. And I knew Jasper would never let anything happen to me on Saturday.

She looked at me for a long time without speaking. Then, finally, right before the bell rang, she said, "Okay."

I reached over to hug her. "You're the best! Thank you!"

She hugged me back. "Just remember, you promised to tell me what's going on."

"Soon," I reminded her.

"Soon!" She said firmly.

We rushed off to our next classes. For whatever reason, I was more alert in the afternoon. Maybe actually talking with Jasper at lunch helped snap me out of daydreams and into reality. In just a few short hours I would be with him in person!

The afternoon was going well until I got to English. We were studying 20th century American poets. Not exactly my favorite time, genre or continent when it came to literature, but I had to admit some of the poets we studied had an interesting voice and point of view. I did not, however, expect the assignment that our teacher concocted for us.

"Love poems." she said, looking around the room, "Normally that phrase brings to mind Shakespeare, Browning, Keats and Shelley, but there are a lot of American 20th century poets who put a modern twist on love poetry.

"For this assignment, you will pair up with a partner, ideally of the opposite sex. You will each research and find a love poem by a 20th century American poet that particularly appeals to you and prepare a presentation of why you like the poem and what it means to you. You will then do a similar presentation about your partner's poem, except that I'll ask you to explain why you thought the other person selected their particular favorite. We'll start the presentations a week from today. To make this a little easier for you, I have not assigned partners – you can choose your own."

All of us let out a collective groan. This was the worst assignment ever! I looked around the room desperately. Angela and Ben were both in the class, so obviously they would be partners. Drat! I skimmed over Tyler, who wouldn't recognize a love poem unless it was wearing a football helmet. Then my eyes rested on Mike, who was already looking back at me. He moved his index finger between us, silently asking if I wanted to be his partner. It took only a second for me to realize that he really was the best alternative. I smiled and nodded. He beamed back.

"Once you choose your partner, use the rest of class time today to start looking for your poems. Don't just use the first poem you find and don't use anything from your textbook. I have some anthologies for you to look through at the front of the class or you can use the library to find other books or search the internet."

All the students in the class scattered to find their partners. Mike walked over to my desk.

"Some assignment, huh?" He asked. I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on. It might not be that bad. Some of these modern poems are kind of short."

"They're short and they don't make sense," I grumbled.

"Okay, but we might as well make the best of it. Do you want to get together this weekend to work on the presentation? I won't have a lot of time next week."

I looked up at him in surprise. It didn't occur to me that we would have to get together outside of school to work on this, but I guessed that made sense. I frowned, trying to think of a convenient time, but none came to mind. I already had plans to see Jasper tomorrow night and Saturday, and I had been hoping to see him Sunday after I came back from LaPush. But now that this was the only time I could possibly get together with Mike, I would have to cut that visit short, if not out altogether.

"Sure," I replied, "But I'm only free Sunday afternoon. Will that work for you?"

Mike looked at me curiously. After the discussion we had last night I'm sure he was wondering what I was doing to keep me busy the whole weekend, but I wasn't about to elaborate.

"Yeah, okay. Say, 3 o'clock? Maybe we can get done before dinner."

"That would be fine. Should I come by your house or do you want to come over to mine? Either is fine with me, but I have a really old computer and a dial-up internet connection."

"You can come over to my house. No problem. And I'll let my mom know that you might stay for diner, okay?"

I hesitated, but then decided that there was nothing wrong with having dinner at Mike's house with his parents right there. We were just working on an assignment. It wasn't anything special. We were still just friends.

"I wouldn't want to put your mom out," I said.

"Don't worry about it. I'm sure it wouldn't be a problem. My parents love you – you know that!"

I certainly felt that Mike's parents liked me from my work at the store. 'Love' might have been a tad too strong. I sometimes sensed that the Newton's wouldn't have minded if Mike and I were dating, but they'd never done anything overt to encourage or discourage us.

"Well, if your mom really doesn't mind and if we're still working by dinner time, then fine, that would be nice."

"Awesome," he flashed me another smile that reached deep into his blue eyes. Then the bell rang and he went back to his desk to gather up his books. We met in the doorway and walked towards our next class together. I saw some people looking at us curiously and whispering. I bet they were wondering if we were dating.

"I think people are talking about us," I whispered, completely embarrassed. He looked down at me, his smile growing even bigger.

"They are?" He looked awfully pleased. "Well, let's give them something to talk about." He slung his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.

"Mike!" I protested. I pulled away and gave him a playful punch in the ribs. "Cut it out!"

"Hey, you can't blame a guy for tryin'," he said, winking.

"Ugh!"

The last class of the day was, fortunately, uneventful. I couldn't wait for it to be over. I was squirming in my seat so much I'm surprised no one asked it I needed a bathroom pass. As the bell rang, I wished I had superhuman speed so I could get out before the masses. Instead, I was stuck in the usual traffic jam, fighting my way out of the classroom, to my locker, then out to my truck and, eventually, out of the lot. Only when I was finally on the road driving to the Cullens' house did I feel a little more relaxed.

My excitement revved up again as I turned down the 3 mile driveway and wound my way through the forest to the house. I was so eager to see Jasper again. _Too Eager!_ I tried to tell myself sternly, but it wasn't working. After looking forward to this moment all day, I couldn't contain myself.

I could see him as soon as I cleared the edge of the forest into the clearing. He was wearing black cowboy boots, blue jeans, and a black waffle henley shirt. He leaned casually against the post at the bottom of the porch stairs, hands entwined behind his head, one of his knees bent with his sole resting against the post. It was the quintessential cowboy pose, and he looked good. I was reminded of the first night I saw him here, alone, when his silhouette looked so very dangerous. His body had a similar look to it today, only today the predator was resting, instead of hunting. A thrilling little shiver of excitement ran through me, which I immediately tried to stifle. Those thoughts would have to wait for the telephone conversation tonight, when my emotions were not on display.

I parked the truck and turned off the engine. Jasper pushed himself away from the post and started walking towards me, speeding up to open the truck door before I could do so myself.

"Thanks," I said, a little embarrassed.

"My pleasure," he smiled.

I hopped out of the truck and lifted the blanket behind the driver's seat that hid the box I stashed there this morning before school. It held the pot, skillet and casserole dish as well as some basic spices I planned to use for cooking. I struggled a bit getting the box out, but it was out of my hands as soon as I turned away from the truck. I gasped at the sudden loss of my cargo. Jasper was looking at the contents of the box curiously.

"You know Esme has similar items here already?"

"I know," I said, "but it wouldn't exactly look right if I came home with her pots and pans, now would it? This makes the whole charade more believable." He understood instantly and a frown formed on his face. I knew he was mad at himself for not anticipating this issue.

"It's okay," I told him. "It's actually nice to know you can't think of everything, that you're not perfect."

He frowned again. "I could have told you before I'm very far from perfect."

"Oh dear," I said, lightly. "Is it going to be one of those days? I was hoping for a cooking partner today, not a therapy patient."

He scowled, but then his face relaxed. "You're right, Bella. Today is about new experiences for me, not re-hashing the past."

We walked together into the house and to the kitchen. I asked Jasper to put the stuff I brought on the stove top, while I dug up my recipes and started separating the groceries that sat on the counter. Once everything was divided into four piles, I started rummaging through the drawers to find all the necessary utensils. Jasper had been right, of course, Esme seemed to have equipped the kitchen with every gadget known to man.

"So," I said when I completed my hunt, "Were you serious about helping me?"

"Definitely." His eyes actually gleamed with a hint of excitement.

"Ready to get started?"

"Yes, ma'am. What do you want me to do first?"

I started him off easy, asking him to wash vegetables in the prep sink while pre-heated the oven and started browning ground beef for the taco casserole. The beef browning nicely, I tore open the package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. It was nice that the pieces were de-boned and de-skinned, but I still had to take off the yucky fat and tendons. I placed the chicken on the cutting board and reached for the knife. I heard a muffled curse and instantly Jasper was standing next to me, his hand firmly covering mine, making it impossible for me to move. I looked at him in alarm.

"Bella, I think you're forgetting what happened the last time you were in this house and came into contact with sharp objects. Perhaps it'd be best if you left the cutting to me?"

He was standing so close to me and the coolness of his hand over mine made me tingle. I suddenly realized this was the first time Jasper had touched me since he had his hand on my back guiding me through the airport in Phoenix. His touch felt absolutely electric and I was dumbfounded.

"Bella, Carlisle is not here to help if you injure yourself and I would prefer not to put my newfound control through this type of a test yet. So please, Darlin', let go of the knife and let me do the cutting."

**The next chapter is almost halfway done, so I should be able to update again this weekend. I hope this one wasn't too disappointing. I wanted to get to the afternoon just as much as Bella did, but we needed all the school stuff to happen first. **

**As always, your reviews are most welcome and appreciated!**


	20. Chapter 20: If you can't stand the heat

**Sorry everyone. I know this is a little late, but I had trouble uploading last night. Also, don't be fooled by the title of this chapter – it's just for my own amusement. Things are not going to get that heated yet. But they might be getting a little warmer. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_He was standing so close to me and the coolness of his hand over mine made me tingle. I suddenly realized this was the first time Jasper had touched me since he had his hand on my back guiding me through the airport in Phoenix. His touch felt absolutely electric and I was dumbfounded. _

_"Bella, Carlisle is not here to help if you injure yourself and I would prefer not to put my newfound control through this type of a test yet. So please, darlin', let go of the knife and let me do the cutting."_

**Chapter 20: If you can't stand the heat . . . **

I tried to let go of the knife, but Jasper's hand over mine prevented my muscles from relaxing. I knew I should say something, but I was afraid that as soon as I did he would let go. If I didn't move, if I didn't make a sound, could we stay here like this indefinitely, his large, smooth hand cradling mine? I turned my face up to look at him over my shoulder. He was watching me intently, his eyes full of concern.

"Are you all right?" He asked gently. I nodded. "Will you put down the knife?" I nodded again. And then my fears came true and he lifted his hand off mine, taking a small step back in the process. I turned back to look at the counter and released the handle. I moved to the side and he stepped forward beside me, picking up the discarded knife.

"Okay, now what do I do?" Numbly, I explained how to trim the chicken pieces. Then, remembering the ground beef, I washed my hands and moved back to the stove top. I continued cooking, draining the fat, stirring in the seasonings, beans and green chilies. Next I moved to the stew, opening the cans of chick peas, then draining and rinsing them. Slowly I started to relax and fall into a natural rhythm. I liked cooking. It felt comfortable and familiar and I liked the feeling of satisfaction when I saw people enjoying the final product. I wasn't a gourmet by any stretch – the food I made was simple and filling. But that's really all that Charlie and I needed. I smiled as I thought of Charlie. I knew he wouldn't say much, but he'd appreciate all this nevertheless.

I looked over to find Jasper casually leaning against the counter, watching me with a thoughtful expression, the trimmed chicken arranged on a large plate, ready for seasoning.

"What?" I asked, a little self-conscious.

"Nothing," he said, "I just like you like this. You were lost in the moment and I was enjoying the sheer contentment that was radiating from you. It was lovely."

I blushed, as if I had been caught doing something wrong. He called me lovely! _No, he called your feelings lovely. There's a huge difference._ Damn that voice of reason!

"Ready for more chopping?" I asked to distract myself.

"Just tell me what to do." I had him wash his hands first, and then instructed him in the different ways I needed him to chop all of the vegetables and the sausage. My brows furrowed a little looking at the huge pile.

"What's the matter?" He asked.

"Nothing, really. It's just that timing is everything and I was counting on both of us to do this, to go faster, you know?"

He laughed.

"Bella, I think you're forgetting who I am." I looked at him, puzzled. He picked up a knife and started chopping so fast his hand and the knife were a blur. In seconds, I had a perfect pile of chopped peppers. My eyes opened wide!

"You're better than a food processor," I whispered.

"I don't know anything about food processors, but it sounds like I can get this done quickly enough to suit your needs." I nodded, still awed.

He kept chopping while I mixed, layered, seasoned and generally put all the dishes together. I placed the taco casserole in the pre-heated oven and left the stew and chicken dish simmering on the stove top. I set the timer I found in one of the drawers and washed my hands at the sink, wiping them off guiltily on some of Esme's decorative towels.

Jasper followed my lead and washed his hands off as well.

"Now what?" He asked.

"Now we wait. The stew will have to be stirred occasionally, but for the most part this is a good time to clean up."

"I'll help," he said. We worked on the clean up, throwing away empty cans and packaging, washing, drying and putting away the utensils that were no longer necessary. I loved the feeling of the two of us there together – it was so familiar and domestic, as if we had done it a hundred times before. Every once in a while I would look over to catch him watching me or vice versa and, without the slightest feeling of discomfort, we would give each other an easy, satisfied smile. Jasper never touched me again, but he was close enough that the lack of actual physical contact didn't matter. I knew that at least with regard to me, his training was over, and he was fully in control of his bloodlust.

When the clean-up was done I walked over to the snack-laden portion of the kitchen and grabbed a soda. I opened it and took a deep gulp. Cooking was thirsty work.

"Bella?" I heard him ask.

"Yes?" I put down the soda, wondering why he suddenly sounded unsure of himself.

"I wonder if I could . . . um, if you wouldn't mind . . . I mean it would be a big favor if you . . ."

I looked at him quizzically. Jasper was normally so cool and collected. I wondered why he was suddenly so rattled.

"What is it, Jasper? Do you need me to do something?"

"Not exactly . . ." he hedged. "It's just that, as appealing as the smell of all this food must be to you, it's not really doing much for me." He wrinkled his nose in disgust.

"Oh no," I said. "Should we open some windows? Air the place out?"

"No," he said quickly. "I will do that after you leave. But for now there might be an easier solution. I thought maybe I could just replace these odors with a scent more pleasing to me?"

"Oh," I said, confused about what this had to do with me. "Like an air freshener?"

"Something like that," he was smiling as he replied.

"Um. Okay. Do you have one?"

"No, but you do."

"I do?"

"Yes," he paused, looking unsure again. "Actually, I was hoping you would let me replace all this," he waved his hand to encompass the entire kitchen, "with your scent."

"Oh!" That was all I could get out as my breath caught at the realization of what he was asking. Desperately I searched my mind to make sure I had showered and put on deodorant this morning. Thankfully, I was sure that I had.

"Okay," I said tentatively. "How do you want to do that?"

"Well," he walked towards me until he was standing directly behind me, as close as two people could be without actually touching. I felt his hand reach up towards my ponytail. "Do you mind if I take this off?" He asked as he tugged on the elastic band that held my hair away from my face.

I wasn't sure I could speak, so I just shook my head. I reached up with one hand to grab the kitchen counter for support. I was absolutely giddy and my knees were weak. Without the counter there I probably would not have been able to stand upright.

He hooked his fingers into the elastic and slowly pulled the ponytail holder off. My hair cascaded down my back. My breath caught again as he breathed in sharply and a low, rumbling murmur of appreciation escaped his throat. Then he leaned in, his nose millimeters from my cheek, and inhaled deeply, sensuously.

My grip on the counter tightened. It wouldn't do right now to collapse at his feet.

Jasper continued to take deep breaths. I was getting dizzy from lack of oxygen.

"Breathe, Bella'," he whispered in my ear. I knew he didn't mean to be seductive, but his voice sent a shiver through me and raised goose bumps on my flesh.

I breathed in and was completely overwhelmed by his incredible spicy scent. It was the scent from last night, but so much more powerful, concentrated. I couldn't identify the components, except that it was at once familiar and exotic and so very, very masculine. Edward's scent had been beautiful and sweet, and at the time I thought it was as good as any smell could get, but Jasper, Jasper didn't smell beautiful – he smelled like a man. His scent held perfectly balanced hints of power, mystery, excitement, and tenderness. I breathed him in again and swayed, my senses nearly overpowering the part of my brain that retained a tenuous grip on motor control. Only my tight hold on the counter saved me from falling back against his chest.

Jasper reached up again, this time gathering my hair in his hand and cradling the hand to his face as he continued to deeply inhale. Standing so close to him without the cover of my hair, my neck suddenly felt cool and exposed. I shivered again, but it wasn't from the temperature. The part of me that was still able to think rationally marveled at the situation I found myself in – my vulnerable neck inches away from the jaws of a powerful predator who in the past wanted nothing more than to drain me of my blood. But as with Edward before him, I was not afraid. I knew that I was absolutely safe.

The other part of me, the irrational part that could only feel, was absolutely undone, and became even more so when Jasper whispered "Bella, darlin', yours is the most heavenly aroma I have ever encountered. I could stop breathing now forever and the memory of you would keep me completely satisfied." His head dipped, almost touching my shoulder as he trailed his nose along the shoulder and the side of my neck up to my ear. My whole body was trembling and I let out a small, involuntary whimper.

His face was so close to mine. I knew that all I had to do was turn my head and our lips would finally meet. The thought of kissing him sent another electric charge through my body. And then the desire to kiss him grew stronger, more powerful, completely overwhelming, and the only thing I could do was to turn my head until my eyes met the liquid gold of his. I was about to lean in, when Jasper abruptly looked away and took a step back.

"Oh my God, Bella, I'm so sorry. I swore I would never let this happen."

I stared at him, my heart still racing. He was clearly upset, and I could understand why. Hadn't I been worried about the same thing with Mike? That he would take some innocent gesture and mistake it for more than I felt, more than I was able to give? And here I was doing the same thing to Jasper, who only wanted to be my friend. Somehow I had to make this right. Make it possible for him to be comfortable around me again. I forced a laugh.

"It's okay, Jasper," I said. "We both know you didn't mean to. I understand. No big deal. We all forget ourselves sometimes. Still friends, right?"

He looked at me, bewildered.

"You're not…?"

"It's not a big deal," I said quickly, before he could finish his question. No matter what adjective he would have inserted at the end – upset, disappointed, heartbroken – it would have been too painful to hear. "Let's just forget this happened. Just a slip, but not a fall. No need to make a mountain out of a molehill, okay?"

He nodded, hesitantly. I could see he was still unconvinced. I had to come up with a distraction.

"Say, do you know anything about 20th century American Poets?" A look of complete confusion crossed his face.

"A little," he said, brows still drawn together, like he was trying to find a link between the two conversations.

"We have to do this thing for English. Our teacher wants us to find a favorite love poem by a 20th century American poet and do a presentation on it, then do the same on a poem chosen by our partner. The thing is, we can't use anything out of our textbook and I know next to nothing about this subject. So, um, do you have any suggestions?"

"You want me to help you choose your favorite love poem?"

"Favorite 20th century American love poem," I corrected. "For my favorite I think I would still turn to English classics."

He nodded his understanding.

"I might have a couple of suggestions, and I'm sure Carlisle has books in his study that might help. Medicine may be his first love, but poetry is his passion. In fact, he's written some beautiful verses himself, though I'm afraid he's neither 20th century nor American, so those won't be of much help with your assignment."

I looked at him, surprised. I never thought of Carlisle's interests beyond medicine. Now that Jasper mentioned it, though, I could easily see Carlisle as a poet.

"When do you have to do the presentation?"

"Next Thursday, but I'm getting together with my partner to work on it Sunday, so I need to select a poem by then."

"We could go up to Carlisle's study now," he suggested. I looked at the stove top. I didn't like the idea of leaving the food unattended. He saw my reluctance.

"Or how about I find some books for you tonight and have them ready for you tomorrow?

"Thanks, Jasper! That would be great." I had just chosen this topic as a distraction. I really didn't want to spend the afternoon working on the assignment.

"So who's your partner?" He asked.

"Mike Newton," I replied and watched as Jasper's face became cold and emotionless. Instantly I was reminded of his completely unreasonable reaction to Mike last night, and the anger it provoked in me. If not for this moment I would have completely forgotten my promise to address this issue today.

"Do you have a problem with Mike?" I asked, crossing my arms. He looked away.

"No."

"Could've fooled me," I said angrily. "You gave me a hard time about the conversation I had with him last night and now this – I don't get it."

He actually physically turned away from me now, making it clear that he did not want to participate in this conversation. I said a quick, silent thanks that I didn't try to tackle this topic last night on the phone – it would have turned in to a very short call. But here, in the same house, I wasn't about to let him get away with evading my questions. I marched over to him and lowered my head to look up into his downcast eyes.

"Hey, I thought we were having a discussion."

He straightened and took a step back, but at least he was looking at me again.

"Forget it, Bella. It's nothing."

"Oh. Nothing. I see. I guess I must not know you at all, because it sure as heck feels like something on this end. But fine. If you want it to be like that, go ahead." I turned on my heel and walked back to the stove. Frustrated, I pulled the lid off the stew and stirred the contents vigorously. I couldn't believe he was just going to gloss over this whole thing knowing how much it was bothering me.

With nothing more to do in the kitchen, I went into the living room and grabbed the remote before settling in on the sofa. I turned on the TV and flipped the channels until I found a rerun of a sitcom I recognized. I folded my arms across my chest and stared at the TV, fuming.

After a couple of minutes Jasper came in and sat down next to me. Only a half hour ago I would have been absolutely thrilled to be in such close proximity to him. Now, I pushed myself up and moved down to the edge of the sofa, increasing the distance between us. What was the point of sitting close to him when all he wanted was friendship and, at least for the moment, I wasn't feeling friendly at all?

He sighed a heavy sigh. "Bella."

I didn't respond. If he wanted to say something he would have to do it without an invitation.

"Come on, Bella." I treated him to an icy glare before I looked away.

I heard him turn off the TV.

"It just took me by surprise, that's all. I wasn't expecting it. You hadn't told me things between you two had changed."

I turned back towards him. I could see he was being sincere. "You said the same thing last night, about things between Mike and me changing, but nothing has changed. We're still just friends."

"It sure looked like more than that last night. He had his hands all over you."

My face scrunched up in confusion. "What? It was just a hug. A friendly hug. Didn't you hear what we actually said?"

He looked at me darkly. I knew he heard every word and was replaying it in his mind right now.

"Jasper, remember when I came to you for advice last week and you said to be honest with him, to tell him that I wasn't ready? Well, that's what I did. And, again, your advice worked perfectly. We're back to being friends and things aren't awkward anymore."

"So now you're comfortable enough to get together with him on the weekend to discuss favorite love poems? Wasn't there anyone else in the class you could have worked with?"

I looked at him carefully. This was something more than an overprotective friend, more even than an overprotective brother. This was something else. He was acting angry, almost jealous. But, of course, he wouldn't be jealous. So it had to be anger. But why?

"Mike was the best choice and he is a friend. Why shouldn't I work with him?"

"Don't you think it's a little cruel to hang out with him and give him false hope when you know he wants more than friendship?" Ooh, that was below the belt, especially since he was doing the same thing to me.

"Mike knows where we stand. He knows things won't go further until I'm ready."

Jasper looked at me sharply. "So some day things will go further?"

I pulled my fingers through my hair. As if this conversation hadn't been uncomfortable enough already.

"I can only give you the same answer I gave him last night. Maybe someday I'll be ready. I don't know right now. All I know is that I'm not ready for that today. But if that day comes, so what? It's not like there's anyone else in my life. Do you really think Mike is that bad?"

He didn't respond right away. "You could do worse," he finally said, begrudgingly.

I could see it took a lot out of him to make that concession. I shook my head and looked down at my knees. I still didn't know where all this hostility towards Mike was coming from, but it didn't look like I was going to get any answers today.

"I just hate that he gets to spend all this time with you, Bella. He sees you at school, all day every day, and then several days a week after school at work, and now he'll take away some of your remaining time. I guess . . . I guess I'm just worried that if you start going out with him you won't have time for me at all."

I looked up. He was jealous, but only of my time. He didn't want anyone to take away from his time with me while he was still here. I could understand that. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could too.

"Jasper," I whispered. "I'm here right now, I'll be here tomorrow, and we'll have all day Saturday. And Sunday I'll try to come over in between."

"In between?" He asked, confused.

"Yes. Didn't I mention? I'm going to LaPush in the morning with Charlie to have brunch with Jacob and his dad. That's what the rest of the groceries are for." I said, pointing towards the untouched fourth pile of food in the kitchen.

"You're cooking for Jacob?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair.

"And Billy and Charlie," I added. "I haven't seen Jake in a week and Billy in over two weeks. You know I usually go to LaPush Saturdays, but this week I'll be with you so I thought a Sunday brunch would be a good compromise. We'll eat, and then when the game starts I'll come to see you until I have to go to Mike's."

"You're going to see both Jake and Mike on Sunday?"

"And you." I was starting to feel like we were playing a game of telephone. Everything was repeated, but not quite correctly. "And I'll call you at night, as usual."

"Right." I couldn't figure out the look on his face. "But Saturday?"

"I'm yours morning to midnight." I smiled. "And I have the prefect alibi. Ben and Angela are going to Olympia for the day and we'll tell everyone I'm going with them. Isn't that great?" He looked relieved. He may have intended to say something else, but just then the kitchen timer buzzed. It was time to deal with the food.

I prepared the box I had brought by placing a couple of large towels at the bottom to protect my hands and the box from the heat and to insulate the pots and casserole dish. I took the pots off the stove and placed them in the box. I then removed the casserole form the over and added it to the box as well. Jasper had bagged the remaining groceries, including items that he had placed in the fridge.

"How much do I owe you?" I asked. Jasper rolled his eyes.

"How much? You promised!" He handed me the receipt. I took out my wallet and counted out the cash I had taken from the house fund this morning.

"Thanks, Jasper, for everything." Impulsively, I stepped up to him and wrapped my arms around him. He felt hard and cool and exactly right. I placed my face against his chest and squeezed my arms tighter, knowing full well that the extra pressure would have no effect on him. At first his arms hung at his side, but in a second they were wrapped around me, pulling me into an even tighter embrace. I stayed as long as I could, until almost all the oxygen was squeezed out of my lungs.

"Can't breathe." I choked out. He immediately let me go.

"Are you all right? Did I hurt you," his voice was full of concern. I shook my head and took a deep breath,

"I'm fine, Jasper. Really. We'll just have to work on the pressure. That was a little too much." I smiled at him reassuringly.

"You got it," he said, smiling back. "Practice makes perfect."

"Help me get all this stuff to the car?" I asked.

"Of course," he said as he picked up the box. I grabbed the groceries and we walked back out to the truck. I had him place the box in the passenger seat to make it easier to take out at home. I put the groceries in the passenger side foot well and closed the passenger door.

"So," I said, turning to him, "I'll talk to you tonight?"

"I look forward to it," he said. "I'll have some poetry recommendations ready for you."

"Another hug?" I asked hopefully. He opened his arms and I gladly stepped in. This time his arms formed a loose circle around me, giving me plenty of room to breathe. He lowered his face so that his cheek rested on the top of my head. One of his hands moved in circles on my back.

"This is nice, Jasper," I murmured.

"It is, darlin'," he agreed, "It surely is."

**As always, I'd love to know your thoughts and reactions. Take it from someone who knows, leaving a review doesn't hurt a bit and it makes the author feel great!**


	21. Chapter 21: Layers

**A huge thanks to Meg and Megan for their help with this chapter! And thanks to Liz for giving me an awesome insight into a reader's mind! That was tremendously helpful.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**Chapter 21: Layers**

I hung on to the feeling of that last hug all the way home. Much as I didn't want to think about it, being wrapped up in Jasper's arms reminded me of Edward and all the wonderful embraces we shared before that horrible moment when, with a few well chosen words, he ripped my perfect world into a million pieces. Even though I hated him for the way he left me, I had to admit I still missed those few intimacies he had allowed, and the way he could dazzle me and make my heart race just by standing near me.

Of course, Edward clearly wasn't the only vampire to have that effect on me. I still could not believe how incredible I felt in that kitchen with Jasper, where he hadn't even touched me! I thought back to our Tuesday night conversation. Was he right? Was my reaction to him this strong because I saw him as a substitute for Edward? Could it be that my completely unreasonable and Illogical physical attraction to Jasper were merely a result of my need to be close to someone, anyone, who had the cool marble skin, amazing topaz eyes and an inhumanly melodic voice? And if this was, indeed, the explanation, did that make me a better person, or worse? I wasn't quite sure. If I was actually responding to Jasper, I was fickle. If I was responding to an Edward substitute, I was delusional. Both options seemed equally awful.

I was finally able to stop thinking about all this when I pulled into the driveway at my house. I quickly brought in the food and groceries. I turned the oven to its lowest setting and shoved the casserole inside to keep it warm for dinner. I put away the groceries, divided the stew and chicken into freezer safe containers and packed those away as well. I washed the pot and skillet, leaving them in the sink to dry to create the impression that I cooked at home. I hoped the smell of the taco casserole would be strong enough not to make Charlie wonder why other aromas weren't present as well.

Charlie came home on time and we ate dinner in companiable silence. I waited until the end of the meal to broach the subject of my weekend plans, figuring it would be easier to convince Charlie on a full stomach, if any convincing was necessary. I deliberately mentioned another shopping trip to Port Angeles for Friday night and the Olympia trip with Angela and Ben first, leaving the Sunday afternoon homework meeting at Mike's for last. I had predicted Charlie's reaction perfectly. He barely noticed the two out of town trips I mentioned, focusing instead on the time I would be spending with Mike.

"So, Bells, still nothing to tell me about Newton?"

"Nope. Just friends."

"But you'll be seeing him Sunday afternoon, and having dinner at his house?"

"Just working on a school assignment, Dad."

"Well," he said, chuckling, as he stood up and placed his dishes in the sink, "just be sure the assignment gets done."

"Da-ad!" I pretended to be exasperated and the word came out in two syllables, but internally I was grinning from ear to ear. The Newton decoy worked exactly as planned. Both of my lies had slipped by.

As I washed the dinner dishes I wondered whether I should be disturbed about misleading Charlie as much as I had in the past couple of weeks. Only a few of the things I told him had been actual lies, but lying by omission wasn't that much better. Still, I reminded myself that my time with Jasper was limited, and I didn't want to take a risk that our time would be further reduced if my father decided to play the over protective parent. No, a few innocent lies were not going to hurt anyone, especially since there was nothing going on with Jasper that my father would have to actually worry about.

Upstairs I worked on my assignments, trying to get a jump start on the weekend, which would be filled with more pleasant activities. Now that my father thought I was going to be in Port Angeles tomorrow night, I knew I would have the whole evening to spend with Jasper and I was looking forward to it much more than I should. I wanted another day with him like last Sunday, filled with episodes of Firefly and board games and getting to know each other even better than we already had.

It was amazing how much more I knew about him now than I had even a week ago, and yet it wasn't enough. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him. I actually had a need to know him better than anyone, better even than. . . _Don't say it, Bella. Don't even think it! _

After my regular homework was done, I tried doing research for my poetry assignment, but with my extremely ancient computer and dial-up internet connection, it was very slow-going. I crossed my fingers that Jasper would be helpful in this regard, because I would not have a lot of time between now and Sunday to find a suitable favorite love poem candidate.

Charlie finally made his way upstairs and I was able to get ready for bed and turn off the light for my nightly conversation with Jasper. I had gotten so used to these over the last week, I wondered if I would ever be able to fall asleep again without hearing his voice. I reached for the now familiar phone and pressed 1.

_"Your slightest look will easily unclose me_

_though i have closed myself as fingers,_

_you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens_

_(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose."_

I loved when our nightly conversations started without beginning, but this was a most stunning start. My lips fell open, marveling at the seductiveness of his delivery.

"Oh my," I whispered, "That's beautiful. And deep."

"Yes. Your assignment inspired me to re-visit some of my favorite poems. This was from somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond by E.E. Cummings. The entire poem is amazing, I'd say rivaling your English classics, but this second verse in particular reminds me of you."

I swallowed and felt the tremor that always went through me when he mentioned that he had been thinking of me in some way when I wasn't with him. If he only knew the effect these casual comments had on me.

"In what way?" I asked.

"It's difficult to explain."

"Try?"

He thought for a moment.

"I've never been particularly close to anyone. I don't like to talk about myself. I don't like to get too personal. I suppose most people would say I'm aloof, guarded. I prefer to think of myself as private. But you, you seek information in a way that makes it impossible to deny you. You're not merely curious, you genuinely want to know. And so you have been peeling me open, layer by layer. It's quite extraordinary."

"I'm sorry if I've been intrusive. I don't mean to pry."

"No need to apologize. I said this was difficult to explain. Alice knows me better than anyone else, but that knowledge came through many years of being together. Over time, I told her my entire story at my own pace, and she never rushed me, never asked. She seemed comfortable just to live in the moment, or in the future – she didn't have much interest in the past beyond what I was comfortable sharing with her on my own, though in the end I wanted to share it all. Perhaps she had foreseen that all along, and that's why she never prodded.

"Edward probably knows me second best, not through actually seeking me out, but through reading my thoughts over the time we've been with the Cullens. I suppose with his ability he had no need to ask me anything.

"The others know some, but a lot less. In the two weeks that we've been talking, you probably know more about me than they do."

"That's because our time together is limited, so I have to gather information quickly," I replied, suddenly feeling like an inquisitor.

"No, I think it's because you actually care." I stopped breathing, not sure whether I could accept such a harsh judgment of the Cullens.

"The Cullens care about you," I said quietly.

"They do in a way," his voice had no emotion, "They have been generous in allowing us to join their Coven and they have made Alice very happy. But, as you know, I'm not like the rest of them. They are my family now and we do care for each other, but I am and forever will be the misfit."

"You're not a misfit," I said vehemently.

"It's all right, Bella. I don't mean it negatively. It's a statement of fact. They don't understand me. They never really tried and I'm not sure they could if they did try. And, to be completely fair, I haven't exactly opened up to them either or encouraged their inquiries. But you found a way to draw me out that's unprecedented. And while it sometimes is uncomfortable, I also find it oddly reassuring. I had thought myself incapable of this kind of interaction with anyone. I'm glad to know I was wrong. And I'm grateful that you have opened up yourself to me in return."

"It's not fair to you, is it? There's not as much to me as there is to you."

"Not in experience, perhaps, but certainly in complexity. You're positively mercurial. Your emotions, personality, are so unpredictable. You're amazingly difficult to read and pinpoint, and those are just the things I can feel. There's so much more that I will never know unless you decide to share it with me."

"You can ask me anything, Jasper."

"I know. But there are questions that should never be asked, things that should only be revealed if you desire to do so."

_Like how you became a vampire?_ I had already breached this unwritten etiquette by asking the forbidden question. I would not do it again. He would tell me when he was ready.

"I found some books for you in Carlisle's library and marked some possibilities. You'll find them in your truck tomorrow morning." He was signaling that the other part of our conversation was over.

"That was so nice of you. Thank you! I feel like I'm taking advantage. Practically your whole day today was taken up with my needs."

"It feels nice to be needed, Bella. It's not exactly something I've experienced often in the past. I enjoy doing this for you. Well, except for the 'feeling like an idiot in the supermarket' part."

I giggled.

"I thought we already determined that you shouldn't have felt that way."

"By that time it was too late. But that's okay. Maybe I needed that experience as well. It just wasn't enjoyable. But I was well compensated. You won't forget your promise about Saturday, right?"

I groaned. "I don't suppose you're going to give me any hints about what to expect?"

He laughed. "No. I want it to be a complete surprise."

"You're impossible. Please do not go overboard."

He laughed even harder, as if I had told a funny joke. "Don't worry. I wasn't planning on it."

I yawned. It was getting late and I was having a hard time keeping my lids open.

"Sweet dreams, Bella," I heard him say, before he sang me to sleep with a new song.

_Sister moon will be my guide_

_In your blue blue shadows I would hide_

_All good people asleep tonight_

_I'm all by myself in your silver light_

_I would gaze at your face the whole night through_

_I'd go out of my mind but for you_

_I'd go out of my mind but for you_

**The song is **_**Sister Moon**_** by Sting from the album Nothing Like the Sun. And the poem _somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond_ really is amazing! One of my all time favorites. **

**I know this was short, but it seemed like a natural stopping place. Let me know what you think. **


	22. Chapter 22: Scars

**Thank you so much to everyone who has left me reviews over the last couple of days. I've been working hard on finalizing this, so I haven't had a chance to respond, but I will do so this weekend! This is one last chapter before we find out what Jasper's been planning for the big day in Seattle. Did I mention that this story is rated T for "Tease"? LOL! No, seriously, if you're as much of a voyeur into the relationship between these two as I am, you'll understand why I couldn't just skip this Friday night. Enjoy!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. All the Firefly characters belong to Joss Whedon.**

**Chapter 22: Scars**

My school day Friday was a blur. In English, Mike and I searched in vain to find the "perfect" love poems. Unlike the classics, I found most modern American poetry too direct and overt. Interesting, certainly, but not really suitable for a high school class project and definitely not romantic enough, which was my number one criterion for a favorite love poem. Mike, whose primary goal seemed to be finding as short and simple of a poem as possible, also wasn't having much luck, though he at least had a few back-up options. Though I found Carlisle's books in my truck in the morning as Jasper had promised, I didn't bring them into the school with me. I tried telling myself it was because I wanted to complete the assignment on my own, without any help, but I had to acknowledge that it had more to do with wanting to read through the poems Jasper suggested in private. Seeing his selections for the first time in a classroom full of people, with Mike by my side, just seemed wrong.

Mike and I agreed to continue our search over the weekend and to be ready on Sunday with a few possibilities. We made a pact that neither of us would choose a poem that would make the other too uncomfortable. This was especially important to me, given my recent conversation with Mike about the situation between us. While I knew Mike liked me, I didn't think he was in love with me and I certainly wasn't in love with him, so picking poems that were too mushy or pointed would be a disaster for both of us. A mutual veto power would keep us in check.

After school I was almost dizzy with anticipation. I'm fairly sure I floated to my truck and I had little recollection of the actual drive to Jasper's house. I was so looking forward to this evening alone with him, more so even than the day-long trip to Seattle, the thought of which, following the promise Jasper extracted from me, made me feel really nervous. Tonight, though, I didn't have to be nervous. It would just be the two of us enjoying each other's company.

He was waiting for me at the bottom of the porch stairs again, holding the same lazy cowboy pose as the day before. My heart quickened as soon as I saw him and I instantly knew the answer to the question I was pondering yesterday on the way home. This reaction had absolutely nothing to do with Edward. The tingling that I felt throughout my body every time that I saw him was all about Jasper. It wasn't even about his lean, lithe body, his deep gorgeous eyes and his tousled golden hair. Instead, it was an all encompassing thrill of knowing that we were going to be together laughing, talking, and sharing. With Jasper I didn't have to be self conscious – I could just be me and not feel juvenile or inadequate.

I wasn't sure how or when it happened, but somehow Jasper managed to erase all of the self-doubt I felt after Edward told me I wasn't good enough for him. Jasper made me feel more than good enough – he made me feel special. It didn't matter that he didn't want a romantic relationship with me – I knew he had a good reason. What mattered is that he wanted to be with me and to get to know me and do things that I wanted to do, not things that he felt I should be doing. He didn't need to guide and control me. Instead, he had worked his magic and conjured up a new, strong, self-confident Bella. A Bella who didn't just survive Edward's abandonment, she could thrive without him. He helped me become my own person again, a person that somehow had been lost during my time with Edward.

I parked the truck and turned off the engine. Just like the previous day, Jasper pushed himself off the porch and was at my door in time to open it for me. Instead of waiting for me to get out, though, he sped to the passenger side, opened that door and grabbed my book bag. He swung the bag over his shoulder and looked over at me with a grin.

"I've been looking forward to this evening all week."

I smiled back at him. "Me too!"

We walked to the house side by side. Inside, Jasper placed my bag on one of the kitchen stools.

"Hungry?" He asked.

"A little, but if I eat any more chips and soda soon I won't be able to fit into my clothes."

"Ah. I kind of thought you might be tired of those. When I was at the supermarket yesterday I got some of those microwave dinners. I know they're not as good as your cooking, but they sure beat mine. Will they do in a pinch?"

I looked at him incredulously.

"Seriously? You shopped for food for me?" I walked over to the freezer and looked inside. It was filled with a wide variety of brands and types of frozen entrees. The check out clerk at the market must have thought Jasper was insane.

I wasn't a big fan of frozen entrees, but I loved the gesture. I looked though the selection in the freezer and picked out a stir fry dish that looked most appetizing. I read the instructions on the back of the package and popped the food into Esme's microwave. I was sure this was the first time the appliance had been used. Jasper walked over to a drawer, pulled out a fork and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I said, genuinely grateful. "Thanks for always thinking of me and anticipating my needs."

He looked pleased. "I did okay, then?"

"You did great!" I stepped towards him and gave him a hug, maintaining the embrace longer than I should have. Jasper hugged me back, slightly hesitantly, taking care not to hold me too tightly. We broke apart only when the ring of the microwave announced that my dinner was ready.

I ate sitting at the kitchen bar counter, while Jasper told me about his day. He spent a lot of time in public places in Port Angeles, continuing to train himself to interact with humans. Apparently it was getting easier and easier for him to tamp down his bloodlust. As happy as I was for him and his success, I also feared that his last day in Forks was rapidly approaching. I knew this was inevitable, but I hated it nevertheless.

When I was done eating, we moved to the living room, where Jasper had already set up the next episode of Firefly. I made myself comfortable on the sofa and Jasper sat near me, though far enough away to be able to angle himself to watch me instead of the TV. I groaned.

"You're not going to do that again, are you?" I complained. "Now that I know what you're doing I'm nervous. I feel a bit like a scientific study subject under observation."

Jasper looked so disappointed I actually chuckled. And then I remembered how much he had done for me over the last two days and suddenly letting him watch me watching TV didn't seem like all that much to give in return.

"It's okay, Jasper," I said. "I was just kidding. You can watch me if you want to – I'll be fine.

As soon as the show came on I was so absorbed that I didn't have time to think about being watched. I delighted in the dialog, the sets and the costumes, but mostly in the relationships between the characters. We were watching an episode called Shindig, where Mal inadvertently got himself roped into a sword duel while trying to defend Inara's honor. The episode was a perfect mix of humor, action and romance. Of course, the romance was very understated, as the characters refused to do what they needed to do in order to be with each other.

"I don't get it," I said after the episode ended. "Why don't Mal and Inara just get together already? It's clear they're in love with one another. Why can't they just admit it and live happily ever after?"

Jasper looked and me. His expression was at once thoughtful and amused.

"It's not that simple."

"Why not?"

"Mal doesn't like to be vulnerable."

"Seems to me he made himself pretty vulnerable when he asked Inara to stay on the ship."

Jasper inclined his head in agreement. "It took a lot out of him, though. Normally he is more guarded, doesn't get close to people, builds a wall around himself. He's been though a war and he's scarred."

I looked at him carefully. We were no longer just talking about the TV character. I was about to ask, but then remembered his statement last night about questions that should never be asked. If there was a story to tell, he would tell me when he was ready.

"But if he doesn't let anyone get close enough, how can they get past the scars to help him heal?"

"Maybe there are some scars people cannot overlook?"

"I don't believe that. Not when the scarred person isn't willing to let anyone try."

We were silent then. The discussion of scars made me think about Phoenix and James. I pushed up the sleeve of my shirt and absentmindedly traced the crescent-shaped scar left by James when he tried to kill me, before the Cullens stopped and killed him. The scar felt cooler than the rest of my skin. I knew that even after Jasper left Forks, the scar would be a permanent reminder of my association with the beautiful immortals, a reminder that I would never be able to let anyone get close enough to know about that part of my life. Was it even possible for me to lead a normal human life after all that's happened to me in the last year? Maybe Jasper was right? Maybe there were scars that could not be overlooked?

I felt Jasper shift closer to me on the sofa. He reached for my arm and caught it before I could push down the shirt sleeve to hide the scar again. He rubbed his thumb over the scar. The cool sensation of his skin on mine had a soothing effect.

"I am responsible for this," he said. "I failed to protect you."

"James is responsible for this," I said firmly. "And you did protect me. You killed him to protect me. And you're here now to protect me again."

A vision of the three nomad vampires we encountered last spring suddenly came to my mind. James was gone, but two of the others remained, and one of them was on his way to Forks. Alice had seen it. She had seen him watching me. The fact that she has not seen anything else meant only than he had not yet made a decision what to do to with me when he found me. And once he did make the decision, would it be too late? Would he finish off what James started? The fear and pain I experienced in the spring came rushing back in, overwhelming my senses. I closed my eyes tightly and unsuccessfully fought to block them out. My body began to quake with terror.

Jasper moved even closer to me, lifting me into his lap and cradling me in his arms. I pressed my face into his chest, soaking his shirt with tears I hadn't realized were streaming from my eyes.

"Shhhhh, Darlin'," Jasper whispered as he rocked me gently, "It's all right. I'm here. You're safe. I won't let anyone ever hurt you again."

I sobbed into his chest, still shaking. His arms tightened around me as he continued to rock and whisper.

"I'm here, Bella. I'll protect you. I swear I won't fail this time. You'll be safe."

"But . . . but . . . but . . ." I couldn't even speak through my sobs, "you're alone. What if Laurent is stronger? What if something happens to you?"

The thought of Jasper being hurt, of Jasper dying, sent me into another round of sobs. I clutched to him desperately, trying to erase the horrible visions from my mind.

"That is not possible, Bella," His voice was strong, confident. "I am skilled in battle. Laurent is no match for me."

His tone made me stop sobbing momentarily. He sounded so sure of himself, it felt like a betrayal not to believe in him. But seconds later, the fear took over again.

"I know you were in the military, Jasper," I said through my tears, "But that was a human war, this is something different. The tactics you learned in the confederate army don't apply here. I know you're strong and powerful, but so is he."

He placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me away from his chest so he could look into my eyes.

"Bella, my fighting skills do not come from my human military training. The human war I was involved with paled in comparison to what happened after I became immortal."

I looked at him, shocked. How could anything pale in comparison with the Civil War? Wasn't that the bloodiest conflict ever fought on American soil?

"I want to tell you my story, but I need you to listen carefully because you need to understand who I am, and what I'm capable of, and I think I will only be able to get through it once. I'm not trying to manipulate you, Bella, but you're upset right now and I'm worried in your current state you may not be able to fully comprehend what I'm saying. I may frighten you too much."

"Jasper," I said, my voice betraying more apprehension than I had wanted it to. "You don't have to tell me anything."

"No, Bella, I do. You have to know who I was and what I've done, and once you know you have to decide for yourself whether you want to continue associating with me. But just while I'm telling you my story, I need you to remain calm. After that I'll stop and you'll be able to react however you want. But just during the story, so that you hear it in its entirety, can I help keep you calm?"

I considered his request carefully. I was already feeling calmer. I was still a bit anxious, but calmer. I had a feeling I would not need his help to stay that way. But if it would help him to know he had my permission to calm me, if that would somehow make it easier for him to do what he was obviously dreading, I would gladly grant it.

"If I need it, Jasper, I'd be grateful if you helped me stay calm."

He sighed in relief. I lifted my hand and ran it through his hair, pushing it away from his eyes. My hand slid down the side of his face, resting on his cheek. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. I leaned forward, resting my face and body against his chest, and breathed him in. Yesterday this act had set all my senses on fire. Today, it was comforting. I hoped my scent was having a similar effect on him.

"Jasper?"

"Yes, Darlin'?"

"Before you start, I need you to know that nothing you could say, nothing you could have done in your past will change my opinion of you. People change, and I know you have changed. It doesn't matter to me who you once were – the only thing that matters is who you are now. My friend, my champion, my protector . . . I don't know what I would have done these last few weeks without you. You were there for me when I needed you, when everyone else left me, and that's all I care about. So I will listen to everything you have to tell me, but it will not make any difference."

He wrapped his arms around me and held me to him. "I don't deserve all the faith you have in me, Bella. But I appreciate it more than you could ever know."

He stayed silent for a moment, then he began.

He told me about the three beautiful women he met following the evacuation of Galveston and about Maria, who became his creator. He told me about the newborns, about how he had used his military training and his power to control emotions to train an army of newborn vampires, about the fighting for territory and the way he disposed of the newborns when they were no longer useful. He showed me the multiple bite marks on his arms, the scars forming a texture on what should have been perfectly smooth skin. He spared no details, being deliberately gory in his descriptions, but I had no trouble remaining calm. I knew that the Jasper who had done all these awful things was gone, replaced by the man who could hold a human in his arms and resist all desire for carnage.

Jasper kept speaking. He told me about becoming depressed, about Peter and his mate, a newborn named Charlotte, whom he allowed to escape. He explained that Peter and Charlotte eventually came back for him and described his life with them, free of war but still feeding on humans. I felt the pain in his voice as he recalled his depression and his futile attempts at resisting feeding on humans. And I heard the awe in his voice when he described meeting Alice, who had been waiting for him in a diner so they could go off together to look for Carlisle and the rest of the Cullens. He told me how surprised they were when he and Alice showed up out of the blue and demanded to join their coven

I listened to it all wordlessly. I found it hard to wrap my mind around all he had gone through to get to this point. I probably should have been repulsed by the lifestyle he had led before, but I knew that he hadn't been responsible for it – he only did what he was trained to do until someone showed him a new and better way. I saw Jasper in a completely new light, and I admired him for his continuing effort to resist the way of life that must have been so ingrained in him.

Jasper shifted me in his lap so he could look me in the eye. His expression was puzzled. He shook his head. "You are an enigma, Bella. Your emotional reactions are so unpredictable. You should be disgusted with me, or at least horrified. Instead, you're . . ."

"You don't disgust me, Jasper," I said quickly. "And in case it wasn't clear when I started dating Edward, I'm not easily horrified. What you did, leaving Maria and then also leaving Peter and Charlotte, that's the bravest thing I could imagine. You didn't have Alice's foresight, so you had no idea that there was another way of life, yet you tried to get on that path all by yourself. You're amazing!"

Jasper smiled, though the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"You have an interesting way of looking at things, Bella. I just told you that I killed hundreds of people, many of them innocent, or turned them into vampires and then killed them, and yet you find me amazing? You saw the monster that lives within me a few weeks ago when I nearly killed you. Was that amazing? It's been years since I left that life behind, and yet I smell one drop of blood and my resolve disappears while my desire to kill overwhelms everything else." He ran his hand through his blond curls, clearly frustrated. I wondered if he was frustrated with himself or with me, for not reacting appropriately to his life story. Whichever it was, I couldn't just sit there without saying anything.

"The life you've chosen is more difficult for you than for any of the others. Most of them had Carlisle to guide them, and Alice had her visions. In the meantime, both your human and vampire upbringing pre-disposed you towards a lifestyle of blood and battle. And yet all of the Cullens avoid the blood typing biology lab, because they know how easily they could slip. The night of my birthday, everyone in this room except for Carlisle was hungry for my blood! I could see it in their eyes. They're not so different from you, Jasper, no matter what you may think."

I lifted my hand to his cheek again, looking him straight in the eye.

"I heard everything you said and it changed nothing. But I'm glad you told me and I'm glad you don't have to carry this burden anymore."

Hi eyes held mine as his hand moved up to cover the hand I held over his cheek. He lowered my hand to his lips and kissed the flesh of my palm. Then he slowly kissed each fingertip in turn, before kissing my palm again and returning it to his cheek.

"Thank you, Darlin'," he whispered. "I should have known you would react like this. I should have had as much faith in you as you had in me."

I stared at him in wonder and I burned for him. My hand tingled everywhere his lips had touched my skin. I pressed myself against his chest again, fearing what I would do if we continued to gaze at each other. My heart thundered in my chest furiously as my blood flooded every cell in my body. My breathing came faster and shallower. I was starting to feel lightheaded and giddy. I had to stop this, get a handle on my emotions, get away. I pushed myself off his lap to stand on the floor beside him.

"I think I need a human moment," I mumbled and ran to the washroom. I closed the door behind me and leaned back on it heavily, forcing myself to breathe slowly and deeply. Eventually my heart rate slowed to its normal pace and my breathing evened out. I splashed some water on my face, reminding me of the last time I had used this room for this very purpose less than a week ago. I needed to learn some self-control before I did anything Jasper and I would both regret.

I emerged from the washroom a few minutes later. Jasper was up, standing next to the living room windows. He turned to look at me when he heard me walk into the room.

"Hey," he said softly. "Everything all right?"

I nodded.

"With me too," he said, and gave me a small smile.

I looked at my watch, noting it was later than I thought.

"I'd better be getting home. Big day tomorrow. I have to get my beauty sleep."

He didn't seem surprised. He walked over to the kitchen and picked up my bag, ready to walk me to the truck. I joined him and we walked out together, side by side. He opened the driver side door for me first, then sped to the passenger side to deposit the book bag, before returning to close the driver side door. I cranked down the window when he looked like he wanted to say something.

"Thank you again for today, Bella," he said.

I sighed.

"You have nothing to thank me for."

"Doesn't mater. I thank you anyway. And I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. What time will you be here?"

"I'll leave as early as I can, probably right after Charlie leaves to go fishing."

"Good. The earlier the better. I have a full day planed and we don't want to miss anything."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not going to ask because I know you won't tell me anything, but I'm looking forward to the mystery day too."

"Call me tonight?"

"Of course."

**As you know, I always appreciate your thoughts, so please leave a review. Thanks!**


	23. Chapter 23: Little Bewildered Girl

**Okay, a couple of housekeeping things I forgot last time. First, I wanted to thank IdeamofEddy for the shout out to my story in her awesome fan fic – Colliding Meteors. If you haven't read it yet, and you can handle an M rating, you should definitely read it now. It's action packed and awesome and it has the most deliciously raw characterization of Jasper I've ever read. **

**I also want to point you towards Cursing Fate, by Calliope Jones – it's a fabulous Jasper story! **

**Second, I want to thank Megan, Meg, Liz and Deborah for helping me with this story. Just being able to bounce ideas off other people is absolutely invaluable.**

**Third, I want to thank all of you who make my day brighter and my writing better by leaving reviews. You're all awesome! **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. **

**Chapter 23: Little Bewildered Girl**

Back at home, Charlie was watching TV and barely gave me a second look as I came in with my "prop" shopping bag. I told him that I was tired and headed upstairs to get ready for bed. I went through my usual routine, but only my body was in my house, operating on auto pilot. My mind was back at Jasper's, replaying the evening like a movie. Jasper had touched me! Not only touched, but held me in his arms, in his lap, for much of the night. It was a gesture of comfort, I knew. He had only been trying to help alleviate my fear of Laurent. But I couldn't lie to myself any longer. If it had been up to me, it would have been more.

I thought back to the conversation we had Tuesday night. We were supposed to be working on our friendship, helping each other overcome these inappropriate feelings. And, seemingly, Jasper wasn't having any trouble on that front. But I sure was, and he was not helping. It occurred to me that I should remind him that I needed his help, that I should ask him to stop doing all of the things that were driving me mad for him. But unbeknownst to me there was a part of me, a very small part, that was extremely selfish, and this part now roared to life.

The selfish Bella wanted to take whatever she could get from Jasper for as long as she could get it, consequences be damned. No one else in the world mattered; no one could get in the way of her getting what she wanted. And I knew that this part of me would fight tooth and nail against any attempt by the rest of me to return the relationship between me and Jasper to a less intimate level.

_As long as he's not uncomfortable with it_, selfish Bella reasoned, _what's the harm? We're not doing anything wrong. Sure, we may be a bit closer than most friends, but there's nothing wrong with closeness as long as we don't cross the line. _

Of course, what selfish Bella knew but was unwilling to acknowledge, was that her line was getting more and more blurry. She was willing to push the boundary as far as it would go. Should I warn Jasper? Should I tell him how dangerous I really was? Was it only a few days ago that I thought of him as the predator? He was the one that needed to take care now. He was the one that wasn't safe.

So when I walked back into my room, it was the selfish Bella that reached for my limited music collection and shuffled through until she found a long-forgotten disc. She was the one that put the disc in the CD player, turned the volume down low enough so that it couldn't be heard outside the room, and set it to repeat the single track, before she turned off the light and called Jasper.

"Music, Bella?"

"Mmmm. Sometimes I get in the mood to listen to something I haven't heard in a while."

He didn't say anything for a moment.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for a Selena fan."

"My musical tastes are eclectic. This is a sweet song."

"It is indeed.

_Siempre estoy sonando en ti  
Besando mis labios, acariciando mi piel  
Abrazandome con ansias locas  
Imaginando que me amas  
Como yo podia amar a ti._"_  
_

Oops. He threw me for a loop. I had never bothered to translate the Spanish portion of the lyrics, and now I had no idea what he was saying or thinking. I felt like a fool. _Note to selfish Bella – be sure to always know the full meaning of the message before you try to send it. _I scrambled out of bed and walked to the CD player, waiting for the song to be over before hitting the stop button. There would be no repeat performances tonight.

I kept waiting for Jasper to chuckle or make a joke about the song, but he said nothing. I got back into bed and realized that he was waiting for me to continue the conversation.

"Um, I never did look up what those lyrics meant. I suppose you know?"

"Yes. After living for as long as I had in the south and in Mexico, Spanish is almost like another first language for me."

Oh, no! I not only played a song with lyrics I didn't fully understand, I also managed to remind Jasper of the most painful time in his life. How could I have been so thoughtless? This is what happened when I let the selfish part of me take over. I hurt the people I cared about the most. It was a painful reminder of what I had to do. Selfish Bella was going to be under lock and key for the rest of Jasper's time in Forks. From now on I would do my best to be the good Bella, the Bella that could keep herself in check.

I became aware of yet another prolonged silence, and realized it was my turn to speak.

"I'm so very sorry, Jasper. I wasn't thinking. I should have never put that song on."

"It's all right, Darlin'," he said, softly. "I actually like that song very much. I will have to add it to my Bella play list."

I swallowed loudly.

"You have a Bella play list? Can I ask what's on it?"

"Maybe some day. Not tonight, though. Tonight I want to find out more about you. Tell me something that Ed . . . that no one else knows."

He covered the slip very quickly, but I heard it. He had wanted me to tell him something about myself that Edward didn't know. I considered the question, which would actually be easy to answer because there had been so many things I never bothered to tell Edward. I'd always felt that Edward saw me as a very young girl, someone who wasn't quite at his level of maturity. At the time, knowing that he had lived almost a hundred years longer than I, his reactions made sense. But then Jasper was even older, and he never made me feel that way. I always felt I could tell Jasper anything without being judged.

"Well, I like to play pinball."

He laughed, his melodic voice tingling pleasantly in my ear.

"Pinball, Bella? Really? I suppose that makes sense, although you still need to coordinate two hands to press the flippers."

I knew I was being teased, but I didn't mind. It was a gentle, friendly teasing, and it got Jasper to forget my Spanish faux pas.

"I didn't say I was good at it," I grumbled. "Just that I liked to play. There's kind of a low risk of injury in pinball." I said, sheepishly.

"Hmmm," he said thoughtfully. "We may have to re-arrange our plans tomorrow somewhat to make a stop at an arcade. I find the thought of watching you play pinball absolutely enchanting."

"Ha! You won't have to alter your plans too much and it won't be such a great show. Like I said, I never claimed to be good. And don't even think you can talk me into a 2 player game. I don't want to spend the entire day in the arcade, and I have a feeling you could do that with just one ball."

"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid," he admitted, "though it's been a long time since I played. Do you have any favorite machines?"

I blushed. I did, in fact, have some favorite machines. Would that make me look like a complete dork?

"Um, I like the Addams Family, Champion Pub, Bride of Pinbot and Funhouse."

Jasper whistled.

"I am impressed. You are no pinball novice. I'm not sure we'll be able to find any of those classics in Seattle tomorrow. You might have to settle for something more current."

"Jasper, I don't even want to play pinball tomorrow. I was just telling you something about myself that no one here knows. It's no big deal. I haven't played since I moved to Forks and I haven't missed it." _Much. _

I was secretly pleased that he apparently knew enough about pinball to recognize the machines I mentioned. Pinball was not exactly a popular pastime anymore. Most of my friends probably wouldn't be able to recognize a machine if they saw one. I had only learned to play because the father of one of my friends in Phoenix was a pinball fanatic and always had anywhere from 4 to 8 machines in his game room, which we could play to our heart's content while he was at work. This reminded me that I haven't called or e-mailed Trina since I moved here, and I made a mental note to get back in touch with her soon.

Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to me.

"Jasper?"

"Yes, Darlin'?"

"Promise me that you will not get on the Internet tonight and buy a bunch of pinball machines for your house. Please! If you do, I swear I'll never come visit again."

I could almost hear his disappointment through the silence.

"I think you know me too well," he said. "And why not? It would be so much fun!"

I thought about this for a moment. He was right. It would be a lot of fun. But it would also be very expensive. Still, would it be too awful if . . .?

"Okay," I said, "You're right. It would be fun. But just one!"

He chuckled.

"Thanks, Bella. I promise, just one. I'll get whichever one I can find with the shortest delivery time. Maybe we can play next week."

I smiled. It was nice to hear him so excited.

"That sounds really great, Jasper." I told him, and I meant it.

"What else, Bella? What other secrets are you hiding?" I blushed. I could never tell him the biggest secret without potentially hurting him. I had to quickly think of something else.

"Um. I like travelogues?"

"Travelogues?"

"Yes. You know, those shows they play on public television where you can see far away places. Renee never had a lot of money so we didn't travel and Charlie is a home body. So outside of Forks and Phoenix, I haven't really been anywhere. Some day I hope to travel all over, but for now I just have to do it vicariously, by watching travelogues."

He was thoughtful.

"How is it possible that the more we talk and the more I learn about you, the more fascinating you become? Shouldn't the mystery of you lessen with each revelation instead of increase?"

I frowned.

"I'm not really so mysterious, Jasper, or fascinating."

"I disagree. There's so much more of you beneath the surface that you've never revealed. As long as you and Edward had been together, how can it be that he never knew these things?"

"He never asked," I confessed. "And I didn't tell him, because I thought he would find these things silly. He already disapproved of my truck, and my favorite books. I was worried that if I told him more and he disapproved of that too, he wouldn't want to be with me. And I was right. In the end, that's exactly what happened. My silly, human ways got tiresome and drove him away."

"No, Bella. That's not. . ."

"Stop. Don't say any more. I know he's your brother and you feel the need to defend him, but I really do not want to talk about him tonight."

I glanced at the clock, glad that it provided a perfect excuse to end the conversation.

"It's late, Jasper. I should go to sleep. I have a feeling you planned a busy day for tomorrow."

"Darlin', I'm sorry. I didn't mean to . . ."

"I know. It's all right. I'm all right. I just don't want to get upset tonight and I don't want to argue, especially not about Edward. I want to get some rest and then have an awesome day with you tomorrow. Okay?"

"Of course, Bella. That's perfectly okay. Sleep well."

"Good night, Jasper."

I closed my eyes and fell asleep to his honeyed voice singing my lullaby.

*************************

I woke up Saturday morning with a delicious sense of anticipation.

"Morning, sleeping beauty."

Oh, boy! I really needed to have that conversation with Jasper to request that he stop sabotaging my restraints on selfish Bella.

"Morning, Jasper. Did you find the pinball machine yet?' I teased him.

"Maybe, maybe not," he teased right back. "You'll just have to wait and see."

I laughed. "You like to keep things mysterious too, don't you?"

"Don't worry, Darlin'. A lot of the mysteries will be revealed shortly, about my plans for today, anyway."

"Great. I look forward to that. I'm going to go get ready. Any suggestions on what I should wear?"

"Hmmm. Something comfortable and casual, but maybe not jeans. And bring a warm jacket."

"Oooh. Very mysterious! Sounds like I should be ready for anything."

He laughed.

"Just be ready to have fun. Let me take care of the rest. And remember, no complaining! Oh, and bring the poetry books. We might have a little down time to go over some possibilities."

"All right. You might have to remind me every once in a while about not complaining, but I'll try. I'll see you soon."

"I look forward to it!"

We hung up and I hopped out of bed. I reviewed my clothing choices. With jeans out of the equation, my selection was somewhat limited. I settled for closely-fitted khakis and a rose colored shirt with a v-neck that would have passed the Jessica Stanley test – it made my boobs look good. I knew Jasper wouldn't be paying any attention, but feeling pretty made me more self-confident. I listened for Charlie and, when I heard nothing, looked out into the driveway. The cruiser was gone, which meant I had the house to myself.

I showered and dressed as quickly as possible. Not wanting to waste time on breakfast, I grabbed a couple of pop-tarts to eat on the way along with a bottle of water. I couldn't wait to see what Jasper had in store for us.

As always lately, I arrived at Jasper's house in record time. He was waiting for me, looking model-perfect as always. He wore khakis as well, paired with an ivory cable knit sweater that he wore over a white T-shirt. He carried, but did not wear, a hooded windbreaker.

He motioned for me to pull into the garage.

"So that your truck is hidden just in case anyone comes out here for any reason today." He explained when I got out of the truck. That made perfect sense. I was, after all, supposed to be spending the day in Olympia.

"Ready?" He asked, his eyes shining with excitement.

"Absolutely!" I said.

"Come on, then," he said, pulling me by the hand. We walked to the far end of the garage. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the vehicle he was pulling me to.

"Jasper, is that your car?" I asked, though of course I already knew the answer.

"Yes," he looked at me carefully. "Do you like it?"

I closed my mouth, which had fallen open at the sight of the car, and nodded. I didn't know what to say. The car was Jasper. It was as though it had been designed just for him. It was sleek and beautiful and mysterious and dangerous. Gold with black panels on the sides and darkly tinted windows, even the colors were perfect for Jasper. It was by far the most exciting and alluring vehicle I had ever seen. I had never had a reaction to a car besides the loyalty I felt to my truck, but this car turned me on! _Just like Jasper!_ Selfish Bella screamed from inside her prison. _Pipe down!_ The rational me screamed back.

Jasper opened the passenger door, revealing the black leather interior. He held out his hand to help me get inside. I slid into the passenger seat and buckled in, looking around in awe.

In less than a second the passenger door was closed and Jasper was sitting in the driver's seat beside me.

"I'm so glad you like it," he said, and he really seemed like he meant it. "This is a bit of an indulgence on my part, but it is my prized possession."

"What is it?" I asked, glancing at the shiny engine located directly behind us.

"It's an Audi R8, and I had this one specially built based on the prototype before the new V-10 model was available to the public. It's a truly magnificent machine."

I swallowed. This was definitely a race car, built for maximum velocity. Was this the right time to tell him that I really did not like it when the Cullens drove their cars at breakneck speed? They, of course, were indestructible and excellent drivers, but I wasn't so sure about the others on the road. Jasper must have sensed my fear.

"Don't worry, Darlin'," he said. "I'll keep it under 100 today."

"Oh, good," I said weakly.

"Or I'll go slower if you need me to," he added, though even I could feel how much it took for him to say it.

"Let's just get on the road and see how it goes, all right?"

"Sure. Here we go." And with that he backed out of the garage, closed the doors and pulled away from the house towards the main road.

At first we drove in silence, just listening to the purr of the engine. I loved watching Jasper drive, loved the way he shifted gears, loved the concentration on his face, loved his profile. I was completely absorbed by him. I didn't even notice the rate of speed, though I noticed that the forest on either side of the road seemed to pass us in a steady blur.

"See something you like?" he teased after I had been staring at him for some time.

"As a mater of fact, yes," I said, and blushed.

"Really? Well, don't keep me in the dark. What is it?"

"I like watching you drive," I confessed. "It's so natural, so right, like the car is an extension of you."

"Oh, Darlin', I wish I had known that sooner. I would have taken you for drives all along. As it is, I'm almost regretting some of the plans I made for today."

"No. I'm sure everything you planned will be fantastic. We can always go for a ride again another time."

"See, Bella. This is exactly what I mean. I never would have expected this reaction from you. You're utterly fascinating. Thank you."

We sped along and soon we passed Port Angeles. When we got to Discovery Bay, however, instead of continuing on towards Seattle, Jasper headed north for Port Townsend. I was confused.

"I thought we were going to Seattle?"

"We are. We're just making a stop in Port Townsend."

"But isn't that . . . ?" I stopped. I had promised not to complain. Besides, it didn't really matter where we were. I was just enjoying my day with Jasper. "Never mind."

Jasper smiled at me and indicated his thanks with a nod of his head. "It's not so hard, is it?" he asked

"Not so far," I acknowledged. "We'll see how the rest of the day goes."

"Bella," his voice was at once a plea and a warning. I ignored it and settled back into my seat, turning my head again to watch him drive. His lips turned up into a smile.

"You do wonders for my ego, Darlin'."

"As you have for mine."

He looked over at me, surprised.

"But I've been remiss," he said. "I haven't even told you how lovely you look today. That shirt is very flattering. You should wear that color more often – it matches your blush."

And how could I prevent the blush from spreading all over my face when he said sweet things like that? I guess I was wrong when I assumed he wouldn't notice my clothes. I turned to face the front and looked down at my knees, embarrassed.

"Got tired of the view?" he teased.

"Jasper Whitlock!"

"Actually, for today's purposes it's Hale."

"Huh?"

"I needed to use my legal name to make the arrangements and, at least for the moment, my legal name is Jasper Hale."

"Oh, okay. I'll try to remember."

"You shouldn't really have to use my last name, but I didn't want you to wonder in case anyone else does."

This was getting more and more mysterious. Why would other people need to use Jasper's last name?

We reached the Port Townsend city limits and followed the road to the waterfront, where Jasper pulled the car into a spot at the Port Townsend Boat Haven.

"A boat, Jasper?" I asked, weakly. What in the world was he up to?

Using human speed, Jasper walked to my side of the car to open the door and help me get out of the vehicle. Still holding my hand, he locked the car and armed the alarm. He pulled me to walk with him to one of the marina slips holding a yacht that was clearly close to exceeding the size limits of the marina.

"A yacht?" I used my free hand to cover my eyes. "I thought we were going to Seattle?"

"We are, Darlin', just a little bit later. First I wanted to take you on a special adventure. It's the perfect time of year for whale watching, so I though we could cruise to the San Juan Islands and watch some wildlife. And later we'll go to Seattle by boat. It will be faster and more convenient, plus we can relax completely and talk."

I looked at the huge vessel before us. Dollar signs and number flashed before my eyes. I could only imagine how much it cost to charter something like this for a Saturday during whale watching season.

"It wasn't that expensive, really" Jasper assured me, as though he could read my mind. "And besides, I wasn't just doing this just for you. I wanted to go whale watching, but I wasn't sure what the weather would be like and if it turned out to be a sunny day it could be a problem for me. This way I can go inside any time and no one is the wiser."

When he put it like that, it actually kind of made sense. And besides, I wasn't supposed to complain. I sighed.

"All right, Jasper. I suppose you've already paid for it so it's too late now anyway. Let's go and enjoy ourselves." We started walking towards the yacht. "I've never been whale watching. Do you think we'll actually see anything?"

"Oh yes, miss, this time of year we'll see quite a bit," responded a man at the plank leading to the yacht. "We have our three resident Orca pods to look for, as well as a transient pod that's passing through the area, and we might see some Humpbacks, and Minke whales too. I've got scouts calling in locations where the whales have been spotted, so we will definitely have some for you to see. There are books in the salon if you'd like to study up on them before we get there."

"Captain Jones?" Jasper nodded at the man.

"In the flesh. You must be Jasper Hale. Nice to meet you." If he was surprised at Jasper's and my obvious youth, he didn't show it.

"Likewise. And this is Bella. Thank you for accommodating our schedule today. As we discussed, for the most part we'd prefer to be alone today. Are there any problems with the arrangements?" The men shook hands and I noticed that Jasper had a tip ready to pass discretely to the captain.

"Not at all. Everything is as you requested."

"Thank you."

"No problem. We aim to please. Welcome aboard."

We walked onto the yacht and into a beautifully appointed salon, complete with a sitting and entertainment area, a dining area, and a corner kitchen. The kitchen had a pass through bar which was covered with an amazing array of breakfast dishes.

"Help yourselves to breakfast and make yourselves comfortable. In a minute we'll be off and I will let you know via the intercom when we spot anything worth seeing." The captain had followed us in and headed up a staircase hidden in the corner of the room.

I turned to Jasper, my eyes still wide with wonder.

"You really are too much!" I said.

He shrugged. "I didn't have a lot of time to plan and I wanted this to be a one of a kind day for you."

I turned around slowly in a full circle, taking in my surroundings again.

"This is definitely one of a kind." I said.

Jasper looked slightly nervous, sensing that I wasn't really comfortable. He came closer to stand behind me and rubbed his right hand lightly against my upper arm.

"If this makes you unhappy, we could just go back to the car and keep driving to Seattle. It's important to me that you have fun today."

I heard the anxiety in his voice, and suddenly felt like a complete ingrate. He had put a lot of thought into this day and it wasn't fair for me to spoil it because of my financial hang-ups. I knew he could easily afford this trip –no one would have to give anything up in order for us to enjoy ourselves. Just for one day I needed to accept the fact that money was no object and focus on him and the activities he had planned.

I turned and stepped into him, wrapping my arms around him and pressing my face into his chest.

"I'm not unhappy, Jasper. Just a little overwhelmed. This is obviously the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. I'm just not used to being treated like this, to doing things on such a grand scale. But I'll adjust. It might take me a little while, but I'll adjust eventually. Thank you for arranging all this."

He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "I'm just trying to make the day as special as you are. And this is only the beginning."

**Yes, you guessed it, Seattle will spill into at least two if not three chapters. It is an action packed full day, after all! Hope you like it so far.**

**The song that Bella plays is **_**I could fall in Love**_** by Selena. The English translation of the Spanish verse is as follows:**

_I__'m always dreaming of you  
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin  
Hugging me with crazy longings  
Imagining that you love me  
The way that I could love you_

**And for those of you who thought I lost my marbles when choosing this title, it's actually part of a line from an old song by A-Ha called **_**We're Looking for the Whales**_**. The song has been buzzing in my head for obvious reasons, so I used it for the title.**

**Please read and leave a review. I love to hear what you liked and what didn't work so well. Thank you! **


	24. Chapter 24: Whale Song

**Here's Part 2 of the Seattle Date. **

**All Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**Chapter 24: Whale Song**

"Are you hungry?" Jasper asked, stroking my back gently. "I had them prepare a breakfast buffet."

I looked up at him.

"You do know I'm just one person, right? I do not need buffets."

He looked a bit embarrassed.

"They asked me what to prepare, but I had no idea what you liked to eat for breakfast, so they actually suggested a buffet."

"I just bet they did," I grumbled, stepping out of the hug. "I don't even want to think how much more this set you back versus one order of scrambled eggs."

He shrugged. I knew the cost didn't bother him one bit.

"Is that what you like to eat for breakfast? Scrambled eggs?" He asked curiously.

I sighed.

"I can eat anything," I said. "I'm not very picky." I shrugged out of my jacket and tossed it to the sofa. Then I walked over to the buffet and checked out the offerings. I had to admit the food looked and smelled great. The pop-tarts I inhaled earlier had already been burned off in the excitement of the day. I grabbed a plate and started filling it with eggs, sausage, hash browns, and fresh fruit. I set my plate down to pour a glass of orange juice, then took my food and beverage over to the table. He sat down beside me.

"You know, Jasper," I said between bites, "I'm not criticizing or complaining, but you don't have to try this hard. Not everything we do today has to be perfect or my favorite. I like spending time with you, period. Everything else is nice, but I wouldn't have minded if we had just stayed at your place and watched TV. You're the important part, not all this," I waved a hand at the room.

"I know that, Bella," he said, "but it makes me happy to make you happy. Does that make sense? And I know you would have been happy at home watching TV, but I didn't want us to have a one-room relationship. I wanted to do these things with you, but with my limitations it's not as easy. I can't necessarily mingle with the public like a human would. It's still challenging, at times, and the potential threat of the sun just exacerbates the problem. I know you're uncomfortable with the cost, but you know it's not an issue for me and my family. It's a very small price to pay to be able to spend a day like this with you."

I inhaled sharply at his words, just as I was taking a bite. The food went down my air passage, causing a coughing fit. I grabbed the orange juice, desperately trying to wash the food down my esophagus. Jasper looked at me with alarm.

"Is everything all right? What can I do?" He stood up and moved closer to me. I waved him off, taking another swallow of orange juice. He left and was back in a flash with another filled glass.

"I'm OK," I said weakly between coughs. "Just swallowed wrong."

I felt his cool hand on my back moving in reassuring circles. I looked up at him and smiled gratefully.

"Sorry to be such a drama queen."

He laughed. "You do have a flair, I'll give you that. Are you sure you're all right? Can I get you anything?"

"Nope. I just need to finish this and then maybe we can move to the sofa and look at some of those whale books. I want to study a little so I know what to look for."

I went back to eating. Jasper walked over to the stereo and reviewed the available music selections. He smiled at one of the discs and promptly inserted it into the CD player. The room was soon filled with calm but otherworldly sounds.

"Whale songs," he explained. "Did you know that the three pods of Orcas that reside permanently around the San Juan Islands each have their own unique dialect? Scientists can tell the pods apart just by listening to the whales talk to each other."

I shook my head, swallowing my last bite of breakfast.

"I really don't know anything about whales. That sounds really interesting. What else?"

He sat down on the larger sofa and pulled over one of the books from the coffee table. I walked to the kitchen and dropped off my dishes in the sink. I would have washed up, but I couldn't find anything to wash them with, so instead I just went back to the sofa. I kicked off my shoes and sat down next to Jasper, folding up my legs and tucking them underneath me to one side, so that I was leaning into him.

_It's only to get a better look at the book he's holding,_ I told myself. Right. Who was I trying to kid?

Jasper looked over at me, surprised but not displeased. He opened the illustrated book, then put his arm around me to rest on my shoulder, removing the final barrier between us. I snuggled into his side. It felt good to be this close to him, in a position that seemed fairly comfortable and non-threatening. _I would do this with Jake_, I reasoned, _so it's just a friendly thing. No big deal._

We looked through the book, illustrated with different Orca whale behaviors. The photographs in the book were stunning.

"I wonder if we'll get to see any of that today?" I said, pointing towards photos of whales performing cart wheels, back dives and tail slaps. "I mean, I would just be happy to see their fins from a distance, you know. But to see something like this," I pointed to a photo again, "that would be spectacular."

"It is spectacular, and I hope you will see some of this today. The whales from the resident pods are quite happy and used to being observed. Sometimes it feels like they enjoy performing for the tourists."

I couldn't imagine it. Whales in the wild performing the same tricks that people paid to see at shows with trained animals in places like Sea World. I never liked those shows, thinking that the poor animals should have just been left alone instead of being forced to do things they didn't want to do day after day. It never occurred to me that in the wild they would be doing the same things, only without the motivation of free food at the end of each show.

"Folks, we're coming up on one of the resident Orca pods, so I'm going to slow down to comply with whale watching guidelines. We're going to pull up along the side and move in parallel with the pod. They're clustering today and they look pretty frisky – you should get a good show on the starboard side." The voice of the captain was coming in over an intercom mounted into the wall.

"There are binoculars in the cabinet below the bookcase next to the deck door. Feel free to help yourself."

I looked up at Jasper, startled.

"Oh my gosh," I said excitedly, "whales! We're actually going to see whales!" I scooted off the sofa, quickly pulling on my shoes and reaching for my jacket. Jasper set the book aside and got up as well. He walked to the bookcase and reached into the bottom cabinet to pull out a pair of binoculars, which he handed to me.

"What about your jacket?" I asked. I knew the cold wouldn't be a problem for him, but it was drizzling lightly.

He reached for the hooded windbreaker he had brought with him and put it on.

"Let's go," he said, smiling, as he reached for my hand.

We walked out onto the deck and he pointed in the direction where the whales were supposed to be. I strained to see, but my eyes didn't pick up anything other than the ocean.

"Use the binoculars," Jasper suggested.

I put then to my eyes and adjusted focus. Suddenly, I saw a giant tail fin come out and slap the water before disappearing under again. I pulled away the binoculars and looked up at Jasper.

"Did you see that?" I asked, completely awestruck.

"Uh-huh. Keep watching."

I looked back through the binoculars and saw several dorsal fins sticking out of the water. It was a whole pod, clustered together. Then one of the whales threw itself halfway out of the water and dove. The others followed.

"They are very fast and can stay underwater for a long time," Jasper whispered, although we were alone and the whales were too far to hear us. "Look for them to emerge a good distance down." He took my shoulders and turned me in the right direction. "Keep watching," he said, and seconds later I saw the dorsal fins appear over the water level. One of the whales threw his body out of the water, turning about 180 degrees sideways, so that his belly was facing the sky, before diving under again.

"Jasper," I said in wonder. "This is amazing!"

"I know," he said, "and they're just beginning."

Our yacht was no longer moving, but the whales were on a course taking them closer to us.

"As long as we're not moving," Jasper said, "the whale watching rules say we can stay here so the whales can get closer."

I put down the binoculars and watched the pod move closer to us, its members slapping their fins against the water, jumping up and diving, one even doing a back flip. It looked like pure, unadulterated joy.

Jasper moved to stand behind me, his right hand resting on the railing to the right of me, his left rubbing my left shoulder. He leaned over so that his lips were even with my left ear and whispered "I always thought watching these guys was as close to a spiritual experience as someone with no soul can get, but seeing them with you here, seeing that look on your face, it's even better. I'm so glad you agreed to share this with me."

It was a testament to the awesome nature of the whales that our close proximity and the cool air that felt like a caress against my ear as Jasper whispered, did not set my senses ablaze. This morning I was too awestruck to think about my physical attraction. I just wanted to focus on these amazing creatures and their absolutely majestic, carefree exhibition.

"I'm so glad you thought of this. Are they like this all the time?" I asked, unable to take my eyes off the whales long enough to look at him.

"They're not always this active," he said, "but they are used to lots of people watching and I think they almost know what's expected of them."

"But it's all natural, right? I mean, no one trains them or gives them treats for tricks?"

"No. That's what's so amazing. They just lead this happy life here and they don't seem to mind that we want to watch."

The pod was moving away from us now, but we did not follow.

"The captain has to let other boats get closer now that we've had our show," Jasper explained. "We're lucky we're not here in the afternoon along with all the other tourist boats and don't have to wait our turn."

The pod was much further away now. I put the binoculars back to my eyes in time to see some of the whales slapping their tail fins on the water, as if they were waving goodbye.

I turned so that my back was against the railing and looked up at Jasper.

"This was the most amazing thing I have ever seen," I said earnestly. "I have no words to describe this experience. And I never would have thought to do this myself. Thank you!"

He looked down at me, not saying anything. He reached towards the railing with his left hand, effectively trapping me between him and the railing. Not that I was complaining. I certainly didn't want to be anywhere but where I stood at that exact moment. My mouth opened slightly as my breathing got heavier and, almost as if it were happening to someone else, I felt my tongue dart out to moisten my lips. Jasper's eyes, focused completely on my face, darkened slightly. Bracing himself against the railing, he started leaning towards me, his face lowering towards mine.

"We had a scout report that there are some Humpback whales in the area. Should we head in that direction?"

I was so caught up in the moment, so lost in Jasper's eyes, that for a second my mind could not identify the disturbing sound. Then I realized that it was the captain's voice.

Jasper stopped mid-movement and a flash of absolute fury passed across his face, quickly masked by a blank expression. He muttered an expletive.

"That would be great, Captain," he said, without bothering to turn to look at the man who, I could now see, was standing on the narrower upper deck balcony.

I looked back at Jasper. Whatever forces have taken over us a few moments ago, we knew they were now gone. We were back to Jasper and Bella, a couple of friends on a whale watching adventure. He stepped back away from me and the railing.

"It's cold and wet out here, Bella," he said. "Let's go inside and get you warm. It sounds like we have a little time before we get to the next spot."

Until he said something I hadn't even noticed the chill and the drizzle. Now that the adrenaline and excitement of my close encounters with whales and Jasper had worn off, I shivered involuntarily. Without a word, I walked past Jasper into the salon. He followed closely behind me. We took off our jackets and hung them over the chairs in the dining area. I shivered again.

"I think I saw some hot tea and coffee on the buffet. Would you like me to get you some?"

"Hot tea would be great."

Almost before I could blink Jasper was pressing a mug full of hot amber liquid into my hand. I walked over to the sofa, sat down, and took a long sip of tea. Jasper was still standing by the table, looking out at the ocean through the large windows. His posture betrayed a lot of tension and I wondered if he was thinking about what nearly happened outside. For once, it hadn't been my doing. He had been the one who very nearly kissed me. He had definitely wanted to do it. I saw the desire in his eyes. And I had no doubt he would have done it had we not been interrupted.

Was he berating himself for that near-slip now, hating himself for almost cheating on Alice? Did he hate my being here, tempting him, doing nothing to stop him? I looked glumly into my mug and took another long sip of tea.

I wished there was something I could do or say to make the situation easier for him, but nothing came to mind. I felt a profound sense of disappointment in myself, because despite all my attempts to lock away Selfish Bella, I desperately wanted that kiss and, at least in that moment, didn't care if Alice got hurt in the process. I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I was a monster.

The whale songs that had continued to play in the background came to an end and an oppressive silence descended on us like a cloud. I knew that someone had to overcome this mood that threatened to destroy our entire time together.

"So do you come out to watch the whales often?" My voice was low, but I knew he'd be able to hear me perfectly. He turned to face me, considered me for a moment, then walked over and sat on the sofa next to me.

"About once a year," he said. "I'd come out more often if anyone wanted to come with me, but my family . . . they're not too interested."

I look at him incredulously. How could anyone not find the whales fascinating?

"Have they ever seen them?"

"They all came with me one year. It was a disaster. Emmett just wanted to jump in the water and hunt. Edward and Carlisle found it peaceful, or so they said, but they prefer books. Esme humored me, but I know she would have rather been gardening. Rosalie had no patience – I think she spent most of the trip in the bathroom looking in the mirror. And Alice brought a sketch book and designed a full line of black-and-white outfits." He laughed at the last recollection. "At least she was inspired, if not in the way I would have expected her to be. But after that trip, well, I never asked anyone to come with me again and none of them complained."

I was still staring, not knowing what to say. I reached over to take his hand.

"I guess this is yet another example of me bonding with a natural food source," he joked. "No wonder my family doesn't get it."

"I get it," I said quietly. "So if you are ever in the area again and want someone to come with you, just ask me."

He looked down at my hand holding his, then over at me, and smiled.

"Thank you, Darlin'" He said. "I hope we'll get a chance to do this again some day."

"Folks, you may want to head out on deck again. We're seeing a lot of birds which means there may be a feeding ground ahead so we might see some seals or sea lions. And we're coming up on the area where the scout spotted the humpbacks." The Captain's voice interrupted over the intercom again. The man had absolutely horrible timing.

We got up, put on our jackets, and headed back out to the deck. The captain had been right. This area was teeming with wildlife. With Jasper around, I didn't need books or a guide. He pointed out the sea lions resting on rocks and hunting in the water, the birds of prey circling overhead and, when we finally spotted them, a pod of five Humpback whales.

"These guys are so majestic and interesting. They hunt cooperatively too. They spread out in a group and spiral under water towards the surface, creating a wall of bubbles to round up a high concentration of prey. They're also pretty acrobatic."

As if on cue, the whales started breaching – jumping high out of the water and slapping themselves in huge belly flops as they came down. Jasper and I both laughed. We watched the humpbacks for a while until they disappeared off in the distance.

"Ready to head back to Seattle?" I heard the captain ask. At least this time he wasn't interrupting anything.

"Yes, thanks," Jasper answered. "Great show today!"

"We got lucky," the captain agreed. "Finding the resident Orca pods isn't too difficult, but the Humpbacks were a treat."

We went back into the salon and took off our jackets again. I was giddy with excitement of what I had seen. Even though by necessity we were further away, this was so much better than watching a nature show on TV. Witnessing these awesome creatures first hand was simply breathtaking.

"So what are we doing now?" I asked Jasper after we settled in on the sofa again.

"Well, we have a little while before we're in the city, so I thought maybe we'd work on your poetry project. And when we get to Seattle, we're going underground."

I looked at him curiously. "Underground?"

"Yup, we're going to see the Seattle of the old days. Dusty and cramped and, at least currently, underground."

"Huh," was all I could say.

"You'll enjoy it, trust me!" He said. And I did.

He got up to bring over my bag, which he had brought in from the car at the start of the trip, and took out a couple of Carlisle's books.

"Now, let's find you the perfect love poem."

**Well, based on the current pace of my writing it looks like we have at least a couple more parts to go. It's a busy week for me, so I may not be able to post another installment until this weekend. In the meantime, as always, I'd love to hear what you thought. **


	25. Chapter 25: Underground

**Thanks so much to everyone who left a review on the last chapter! I'm so glad that you like the story and weren't bored with the whale watching.**

**Sorry for the delay in posting. This chapter took a while to come together and I'm still not sure it's right, so I may revise it down the road. But for now I need to keep going, so it is what it is. **

**One additional housekeeping note for any French speakers out there. This story is now being translated into French by Androma. The French version story number is 4940168. I'm thrilled Androma liked the story well enough to want to translate it and I hope the French speaking readers will enjoy it. I only wish I could speak French so I could read the French version myself and understand the reviews – LOL! **

**As we all know, the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**Chapter 25: Underground**

"So is there anything in particular you're looking for in this poem?" Jasper asked. I thought about the question.

"I'd like something romantic, but not too gushy. Obviously nothing too long, complicated, or overt. Something that wouldn't be a problem for Mike."

"No words over 6 letters long, then?" he asked sarcastically. I rolled my eyes.

"Please, stop. Let's not do this again and spoil our day. Mike's not dumb and he is my partner for this project, so you can either help me or not, but if you're just going to make comments like that, then we're better off doing something else right now."

Jasper looked away for a moment, then turned back to me with an apologetic look.

"You're right, Bella. I'm sorry. That was inappropriate, and I definitely do not want to spoil our day. Have you had a chance to look at the poems I suggested?"

I shook my head, and held out my hand for one of the books. I opened it to the first bookmarked page and read the poem. It was definitely a love poem, fairly short and simple, but not even remotely romantic. I flipped to the next selection, finding it very similar. I continued to read his suggestions, with the same emotional results. After reading the last marked poem I closed the book looked up to find him watching me carefully.

"What did you think?" he asked.

I didn't respond right away. I wanted to phrase my answer carefully, so as not to offend him. I couldn't quite reconcile in my mind the Jasper I had been getting to know and the Jasper who selected these poems.

"I don't think any of these will work." I said. "They just don't seem right, like there's something missing." As I was speaking, a certain suspicion grew in my mind. "Jasper, are these really your favorite American love poems? Do you even like these poems?"

He looked away again. "No, not really," he answered.

"Then why would you make these recommendations?"

He looked down at the floor and sighed.

"My favorite poems are reserved for . . . well, they wouldn't be appropriate to use in a project you're doing with Newton. I thought these were safer. They wouldn't give him any wrong ideas."

I considered this for a moment. It made perfect sense. The Jasper I'd been getting to know would have preferred intricate, meaningful, romantic poems that undoubtedly would have given Mike wrong ideas. I understood where he was coming from.

"It's not that I don't appreciate what you tried to do, but my selection can't be all about what would and would not bother Mike. I'm going to have to explain my choice and I just don't think I could do it convincingly with any of these," I said, as I held up the book, "so I guess it's back to the drawing board."

I opened the book again and started flipping through it page by page, reviewing the other poems. I found several that had potential and marked them accordingly. When I was done with the book, I glanced over at Jasper, who was looking at me uncertainly.

"Shall we switch?" he asked, offering me the other poetry book. "I changed my recommendations," he clarified.

"Sure," I said, swapping books. I was curious how his poem selections would change based on our earlier discussion. Right away, I could tell that he had listened. The poems he marked would have been the ones I chose had I started with this book.

"These are all great, Jasper," I said enthusiastically. "Thanks. I should be all set for tomorrow."

"I like your selections too," he said, "So which one will you use for the project?"

"I'm not sure yet," I hedged. I didn't really want to tell him about my veto power agreement with Mike. "I'll have to think about it some more. I'll make my final pick tomorrow, after I've had a chance to sleep on it."

"You're not even going to give me a hint?" he sounded disappointed.

"All right," I relented, opening up the book with his choices. "I like this one:

_She pressed her lips to mind._

_—a typo_

_How many years I must have yearned_

_for someone's lips against mind._

_Pheromones, newly born, were floating_

_between us. There was hardly any air._

_She kissed me again, reaching that place_

_that sends messages to toes and fingertips,_

_then all the way to something like home._

_Some music was playing on its own._

_Nothing like a woman who knows_

_to kiss the right thing at the right time,_

_then kisses the things she's missed._

_How had I ever settled for less?_

_I was thinking this is intelligence,_

_this is the wisest tongue_

_since the Oracle got into a Greek's ear,_

_speaking sense. It's the Good,_

_defining itself. I was out of my mind._

_She was in. We married as soon as we could._

Jasper nodded. "I really like that one too. It's pretty amazing when love starts out beyond the physical. And I understand the author completely – there is something incredible about a woman who reaches your mind."

"Not being interested in women, I wouldn't know," I laughed, "But I like that the author appreciated his wife's intelligence first and foremost." I continued to flip through the book. "I like this one too:

_love is a place  
& through this place of  
love move  
(with brightness of peace)  
all places_

yes is a world  
& in this world of  
yes live  
(skilfully curled)  
all worlds

"Short and sweet, and yet so meaningful," Jasper said approvingly.

"Yes. And it's by E. E. Cummings. He's one of your favorites, isn't he?"

"I enjoy many of his poems," Jasper confirmed. "What else?"

"No," I said. "Two is enough. And that's enough homework for today," I added. "Isn't today supposed to be all about fun?"

"Listening to you read poetry is fun for me," he said. "Come on, just one more."

"All right. Last one," I capitulated.

_They came to tell your faults to me,_

_They named them over one by one;_

_I laughed aloud when they were done,_

_I knew them all so well before, —_

_Oh, they were blind, too blind to see_

_Your faults had made me love you more._

I didn't want to look at him when I finished reading. Would he guess that this particular poem reminded me of him and how the qualities that he and others saw as faults were precisely what drew me to him?

"That's the epitome of true love, isn't it?" he asked rhetorically. "To love someone because of their faults, not despite them. It's a lovely poem."

"Yes. It says a lot in just a few lines. Great imagery, too. I could easily see the scene. And now we should really stop."

I took the book I was holding and placed it inside my bag. I reached for the other book and did the same. Then I got up to look out the window.

"How much further do we have to go?"

"Not too much further. We're in Puget Sound already. Would you like to go out on deck and check out the scenery?"

"Sure, that would be great."

I got up and stretched, my muscles a bit sore from sitting too long in the same position. We grabbed our jackets and headed out onto the deck together. The sky was still overcast, but it was no longer drizzling. We walked to the deck railing and looked out towards the shore.

"We got lucky with the weather," I said, realizing how ridiculous my statement would seem to another human, "not a ray of sunshine in sight."

"Your smile is sunshine enough, Darlin'," he cocked his head to the side and smiled.

"Why thank you, sir," I responded flirtatiously, flashing what I hoped was a demure smile and batting my eyelashes dramatically.

"You're most welcome, Ma'am," he drawled. Then we both burst our laughing.

I glanced over at him, standing next to me yet seeming entirely too far away. I took a step closer to him so that there was no space between our limbs. He looked down at me, his expression a bit surprised. He didn't seem to be getting the hint, so I moved over a little more, bumping him with my hip. His brows furrowed in confusion and his eyes asked a silent question. I sighed. It looked like I was going to have to do all the work myself.

I lifted his right arm away from his body and moved under it, pressing myself to his side while my left arm wrapped behind his waist. I snaked my right arm across his waist in front and clasped my hands over his left hip. I was still looking up at him and watched as understanding dawned and he pulled me towards him with his right arm, which he rested above my right hip. I place my head on his chest, my face angled towards the shore so I could continue looking out.

"Thanks for today, Jasper. It's been fantastic."

"You're welcome," he said. "And yes, it has. Really fantastic. I hope the rest of the day continues to meet your expectations."

"Will you be with me?"

"Of course!"

"Then I'll love every minute."

I flushed when I realized I had said the word 'love' out loud, but he didn't seem to notice.

We stood together for quite a while, watching the shore as the yacht made its way to Seattle, and I was totally content. I almost resented the city skyline which loomed larger and larger ahead of us. I was sure Jasper had made fabulous plans, but a big part of me would have preferred just being as close to him all day as we were now. Once we reached the city I feared the mood would shift and this easy intimacy would be gone.

As if to reinforce my building resentment, Jasper lowered his head and whispered, "I'll be right back, Darlin'. I just need to confirm some arrangements with the Captain."

Reluctantly, I unlaced my fingers to let him go. He walked back inside, but I decided to stay on deck, leaning forward with my forearms against the railing. I wondered what else Jasper had planned for the rest of the day and smiled. Whatever it was, it certainly wasn't going to be subtle. I wasn't the only one with a flair for the dramatic.

The yacht was just entering Bell Harbor Marina when I felt two strong arms wrap around my waist.

"Are you ready for phase 2 of operations Seattle Storm?" he whispered dramatically in my ear.

I giggled and leaned back against him. Even if we weren't literally attached at the hip, a day with Jasper would still be really great. Plus, the excitement in his voice was catching.

"Absolutely!"

We waited until the captain finished docking. Then, holding my hand, Jasper led me to the marina parking lot, right up to a waiting limousine. I gasped, realizing that we were going to be chauffeured around the city, but I didn't say anything, determined to keep my side of the "no complaints" bargain.

"Mr. Hale?" the driver confirmed Jasper's identity as he held the back door open for us. Jasper nodded in confirmation.

"Jasper," he said, "And this is Bella."

The driver nodded. "I'm John," he said. "Anything you need, just let me know."

Jasper helped me into the card and got in behind me. I looked around the inside of the limo, outfitted with an extensive entertainment center and a mini bar. I had never seen a limousine outside of TV and movies. It was impressive.

"Too much, Jasper," I said, shaking my head. "Way over the top."

He raised one eyebrow.

"Surely you're not complaining?"

I gave him an extensive eye roll.

"Nope, that would be going back on our deal," I said. "I'm just making a comment."

John was behind the wheel now, awaiting instructions.

"Pioneer Square, please," Jasper directed, "Doc Maynard's Public House."

Turning to me, he explained. "Public transportation wouldn't really work with our time tables, driving would have required renting a car and messing around with parking, which is not exactly inexpensive, and by the time we paid for all the cab fares it wouldn't have saved any money over this. So you see, a limousine really was the most practical solution."

I looked at him skeptically. His explanation was reasonable; a little too reasonable. I had a feeling the devil was in the details. Still, I reminded myself yet again, for him money was no object and he was just trying to be nice. It was much better to just ignore the whole thing and enjoy the rest of the day.

Driving down towards Pioneer Square I had my nose pressed up against the window like a kid at a candy display, taking in the architecture of downtown Seattle. As close as the city was to Forks, I really hadn't been here much, so the excitement of the city hadn't worn off. I never looked back to confirm it, but I was sure the entire ride down Jasper had watched me with a smile pasted on his face, knowing I was thoroughly enjoying this part of the day.

The limo dropped us off in front of Doc Maynard's bar in the center of Seattle's quaint historic district. Jasper took John's cell phone number to let him know when and where to pick us up later. Inside the bar several people had already gathered, eagerly awaiting the start of the tour. Jasper and I found a couple seat in an out-of-the way spot.

"What, no private tour? I'm shocked," I teased him.

He gave me a semi-guilty look.

"It crossed my mind," he admitted, "But I figured I was already pushing my luck and your endurance with all the other stuff I planned."

"I'm glad to see you have some common sense left," I said lightly.

"I'm not sure I do," he said dourly. "This tour is not going to be easy. Lots of humans in tight, cramped spaces. It will definitely be a test of my self control."

I felt a prickle of concern.

"I didn't even think of that," I said, ashamed that I had completely failed to consider his potential discomfort. "We don't have to do this."

He grinned at me mischievously.

"I'm just kidding, Bella. I'll be fine. This is one of the top tourist attractions in Seattle so we definitely do have to do this. And I've been down in the underground before. It's not too bad. With your help I should be perfectly all right."

"What can I do to help?" I asked, somewhat confused.

"Remember the way you helped me Thursday in the kitchen? I was thinking if someone started smelling too appealing on the tour I could just, you know, replace their scent with yours for a while."

I shivered remembering the moment in his kitchen. Was it only 2 days ago? The sensation of having Jasper inhaling my scent was exciting enough in the bright light of day. I couldn't imagine what it would be like in a dark, more confined space. And what the heck was I going to hold onto this time? I didn't think the underground had any conveniently located kitchen counters.

"Um, let's hope that won't be necessary," I said, squirming in my seat. He considered me carefully, obviously sensing my trepidation and discomfort. He grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze.

"It'll be fine, Darlin', I promise. Don't you know? Whenever you're near me, I don't notice anyone else."

My breath caught and I looked at him sharply. Another shiver went thought me. He had to know how what he just said could be misinterpreted. He had to sense the attraction I felt for him, which seeped out no matter how much I tried to block it. I looked deep into his eyes for some reasonable explanation but, though his gaze didn't waiver, it also didn't provide any relief. For the first time since we discussed this topic a few nights ago, I acknowledge the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the attraction I felt was not entirely one-sided.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Bill Speidel's Underground Tour," the voice of the tour guide interrupted my thoughts. I looked to the bar, where the guide was launching into his introductory speech. I felt Jasper squeeze my hand again and then release it, as we both turned to listen.

The tour was fabulous! Our guide was personable and funny and relayed the history of Seattle in such an engaging manner we were almost transported back in time. We learned that Seattle grew around the logging industry, that it was at first built on a landfill and that in the beginning it experienced many problems caused by tidal flooding. The guide told us about the fire of 1889 which destroyed most of the wooden buildings in the city, and about the plan to rebuild everything in brick and stone and to re-grade the city about 12 feet higher to avoid future flooding. I could hardly believe when he explained that people were so eager to re-built that rather than waiting for the re-grading process to be completed they simply designed the new buildings to have two entrances, one at the old level and one on the second floor, when that floor would become the new street level.

The guide's description of the rebuilt Seattle, with stone and brick buildings lining the streets which actually criss-crossed the city 12 or more feet above the sidewalks like the great wall of china, and the people's need to scale ladders each time they wanted to cross from one side of the street to the other, was vivid in my mind. I was sure that had I lived in the Seattle of the day, with my absolute lack of coordination, I would have never left my city block.

Our group headed down into the underground, and we learned about how eventually the lower sidewalks were covered up, with glass blocks used in parts of the sidewalk to provide natural light to the lower level. The lower level of Seattle continued to be used for a while, but was eventually closed down in 1907 due to health concerns.

We walked through portions of the old sidewalks, viewing some of the former commercial establishments and the relics used in these strange spaces. I found it absolutely amazing that it wasn't until 1965 when someone finally got the idea to open up some of these underground spaces and bring people in for tours. The whole concept of the underground was absolutely fascinating to me, and I wondered that I had never known about it before.

Throughout the tour Jasper and I stayed towards the back of the group. With his perfect hearing, Jasper did not need to be in the front, and in the back we could be a little further away from the other people, giving Jasper more breathing room. At each stop on the tour, Jasper positioned himself closely behind me, with his arms wrapped around me as he whispered the guide's words directly in my ear to make sure I didn't miss anything. Unlike this morning, when I had been distracted by the whales, his cool breath now provoked all the reactions of a caress. The sweet torture intensified even more when the guide would stop talking and I could feel Jasper inhaling my scent, just as sensually as he had the last time. It took every ounce of self control I had, but somehow I managed to maintain my composure, keep breathing, and stay on my feet.

At the end of the tour as we emerged from the underground into a museum-like room, I spotted a sign for the restroom. I explained to Jasper that I needed a human moment and left him to examine old Seattle photographs and documents. In the restroom I went through my regular cold water routine and managed to calm myself down a little. I berated myself for not anticipating this problem and hoped that whatever we were doing for the rest of the day would give us a little more space apart. My self control was frayed, hanging by a few meager threads which could snap at any moment, and that was simply not something I could allow.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I was slightly flushed, but overall the turmoil I felt inside was not visible to the outside world. Of course, it would be clearly visible to Jasper. My flush deepened. I knew I couldn't hide in the bathroom forever. Jasper would be concerned, especially given our last experience together at a public restroom facility. I allowed myself another splash of cool water and went back out.

A photograph hung on the wall caught my attention and I stepped in to take a closer look at the Victorian scene.

"Hard to imagine all of these have been here for over a century, isn't it?" I heard someone say and turned to see a stranger standing beside me. I appraised him curiously, noting his average height, brown hair, warm brown eyes and friendly, easygoing smile.

"Yeah," I said, "It's pretty mind-boggling."

"Do you live in Seattle?"

"No, just in for the day."

"My family and I are visiting my aunt and uncle. They all went to the aquarium today, but I'm not much of a fish lover, so I decided to do this. Looks like I made the right call."

I blushed. Was this guy trying to pick me up?

"I'm Caleb," he said, extending his right hand.

"Bella," I replied, flustered, shaking his hand.

"Nice to meet you, Bella. Are you doing anything right now? Would you like to have a cup of coffee?"

He was still holding on to my hand, his thumb moving gently over mine.

"Um. . ." I was flustered. This was so unexpected. I've never had to deal with this situation before. I had no idea how to refuse the advances of a handsome stranger. "No, thanks. I'm kind of with someone." I tried to withdraw my hand, but he held it strong in his grip.

"Kind of?" he raised his eyebrow. "How about you kind of ditch them and have that coffee with me?"

I was starting to feel very uncomfortable. This guy was not taking the hint. I tried to pull my hand away again.

"No, thank you. I need to get back to my . . . boyfriend." I hesitated at the last word, knowing that it was a lie, but needing to convince this stranger that I meant what I said. It didn't work. His eyebrow rose further. I was really starting to get nervous.

"If you'd like to keep that hand attached to your wrist I suggest you listen to the lady and walk away. Now." Jasper's voice beside us was low and menacing, startling us both. We turned to look at Jasper. Caleb, noting the barely contained fury on Jasper's face, released my hand as though I had just burned him. He held both of his hands up in a defensive gesture as he started to back away.

"Hey, there's no problem here. I didn't mean any offense. She's with you, man, I get it."

Jasper stopped paying attention to him, turning to me and enveloping me in his arms.

"Are you all right?" he asked quietly. I nodded, relieved and calmer now that I was with him again.

"He was pretty harmless, I think." I said, "He just didn't know how to take no for an answer. Sorry I had to call you my boyfriend."

"I'm sorry I didn't get here quicker. I came as soon as I felt your distress. I shouldn't have been so far away – it's too hard to weave through this crowd." We both knew if he had needed to he could have been beside me instantly, but that would have exposed his true nature to all the people in the room, which had to be avoided at all costs. Fortunately, the Caleb situation did not require any extraordinary measures.

"It's okay, Jasper. You made him go away, that's all that matters. No harm done. Let's just get out of here, okay?"

"Sure, Darlin'. The car's waiting outside."

**The credits for the poems are, in order, **_**The Kiss**_**, by Stephen Dunn, **_**love is a place... (58), **_**by E. E. Cummings, and **_**Faults**_**, by Sara Teasdale.**

**Of course, more Seattle to come in the next chapter, but please leave a review and let me know what you think so far, good or bad. You know I love the feedback!**


	26. Chapter 26: Space Needle

**You all have been so generous with your reviews – Thank you so much! – that I decided to post this morning instead of this evening. I hope that doesn't result in too many mistakes that might have been caught with additional editing, but if you find any, please let me know.**

**Now, I have some good news and some bad news. I'll start with the bad. When I originally planned the day in Seattle I thought it would take 1 maybe 2 chapters. Unfortunately, once I started writing, I got a little self-indulgent with the narratives (you know, whales, underground, etc.) and the conversations and the whole thing got longer and longer. So now it looks like Jasper and Bella may never leave this city! Just kidding, of course, but it is going to take a bit more time. **

**So what's the good news? Well, because this chapter ended up being so much longer than I thought it would be, it pushed another scene, which is already written, into the next chapter. That means that I will be able to post Chapter 27 that much faster, hopefully in a few days instead of this weekend (though it is another busy week).**

**The single never changing constant, all the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

****Chapter 26: Space Needle**

Back in the car I was still preoccupied with Caleb. My first reaction to him had been neutral, even somewhat positive. I liked the friendliness I saw in his eyes. And he hadn't done anything wrong, not really. Holding my hand a bit too long, extending the coffee invitation beyond the first rejection when it was so obvious that the rejection was less than honest, none of these things made him a bad guy. If I had met him at another time, I probably would have accepted his offer. So why did I feel so apprehensive about the whole encounter? I knew the answer was Jasper, and the thought really bothered me. It wasn't that I didn't want to accept Caleb's invitation because I was with Jasper today. It was more that I wasn't interested in the invitation because I wanted to be with Jasper every day. I wanted the lie that Jasper was my boyfriend not to be a lie.

I was so messed up! Fantasizing about someone I could never have. I had to, absolutely had to get some measure of self-control and perspective. I could have Jasper as a friend, that's it. No point in allowing myself to hope or even think about anything else.

"Are you sure you're all right, Bella?" Jasper asked, his voice full of concern.

I looked at him and his worried expression. I had to pull myself together, for his sake. He deserved to have a fun day. I had to put all this nonsense out of my mind, at least for now, while I was with him.

"I'm good. Guess I'm just not used to that kind of attention."

"I don't know why not. And I don't know why I didn't keep a closer watch on you in there. I knew what practically every guy in there was feeling when they looked at you. I should have guessed one of them was going to make a move."

"Jasper!" I gasped. I couldn't believe the things he was implying.

"Bella," he ran his hand through his hair in exasperation, "I wish you could see yourself as others see you."

I rolled my eyes and tried to turn away, but he captured my face with his hands and looked deeply into my eyes.

"You're so beautiful, Darlin', all the more so because you don't realize it. When you walk down the street practically all men notice you, regardless of their age or if they are or are not attached. They don't all lust after you, but enough of them do to drive me crazy. I'm so glad you can't feel it, because if you did I swear you'd never leave your house."

My eyes widened and my mind tried to wrap itself around what he was saying. He thought I was beautiful? No, other men thought I was beautiful and it was their feelings that were driving Jasper crazy. Okay. That was a little disappointing, but good reinforcement for the self control.

"I should have known that I needed to stay closer to you today. From now on I'm not letting you out of my sight. Nothing like this will happen again."

I sighed and removed his hands from my face.

"Jasper, thanks for stepping in with Caleb and thank you for not overreacting in there. Edward would have . . . well, he may not have been as controlled."

"He was always a drama king," Jasper muttered.

"I guess that's the one thing we had in common," I laughed. "Anyway, thank you for all that, but I think maybe you're overreacting a bit right now. It was just an isolated incident. Don't blow it out of proportion, okay? It's not like I was in any danger."

"But you were uncomfortable. I felt it."

"Well, yes, sure. It wasn't the most comfortable situation. But life is all about dealing with uncomfortable situations. Like being around humans is for you. I don't want to be monitored and protected any more than you do."

He looked crushed as he finally understood my point. He covered his face with his broad hand and exhaled deeply.

"You're right. I'm behaving like an idiot."

I touched his cheek.

"No. I didn't say or mean that. It's probably that "need for protection" vibe I send out that you spoke about before. I guess I make it difficult for people not to hover, especially my friends. So just keep that in mind, okay?

He nodded. "I'm . . ."

I placed a finger over his lips.

"Enough said on this subject," I smiled. "So what are we doing next?"

We were driving through the downtown area again, back towards the marina. I hoped our day in Seattle wasn't over, but I had been too lost in my own thoughts when we got into the card to pay attention to Jasper's instructions.

"Are you hungry?"

The question caught me by surprise. I had been so caught up in all our activities I hadn't even thought about eating. Between the pop-tarts and the breakfast on the yacht, I couldn't say that I was starving, but I acknowledged that some nourishment would be in order. I got grumpy when my blood sugar level got low and I didn't want to be grumpy with Jasper.

"A little?" I answered honestly.

"Good, because next we'll get you something to eat and see the best view of the city."

The car pulled to a stop at a curb.

"Let's go," Jasper said, "We'll call you when we're ready to go, John."

We exited the car and I looked around, then up. We were at the base of the Space Needle. From here it looked so impossibly tall, like an alien spaceship on stilts.

"Have you ever been at the top?" Jasper asked

I shook my head. He smiled.

"Good. I'd hoped this wouldn't be a boring repeat experience for you. Come on!"

He pulled me along, as excited as a little boy. I followed, somewhat reluctantly, looking at the top of the structure. I didn't have a fear of heights, really, I didn't, but this just didn't look secure enough. It looked like the building could collapse at any moment. I bit my lower lip in frustration. I could feel how important this was to Jasper, but I couldn't completely suppress my anxiety. He must have felt it too, because he slowed and looked back at me.

"You don't want to go?"

He couldn't quite hide his disappointment.

"Um . . ." I was playing for time. I didn't want to confirm his suspicions, yet I also could not deny them. "It's so high."

With one step he was standing directly in front of me. Our bodies were nearly touching. He reached for my other hand, holding both of them down by our sides. I threw my head back to look up at him – his head was lowered to look down at me. Our eyes met and locked together.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

I nodded, my head moving only slightly so that I could continue to watch him.

"Then, you know I would never let anything happen to you."

I nodded again.

"So, there's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

I shook my head.

"And, you'll come to the top with me?"

Once again, I nodded. I was completely mesmerized by his eyes. At this moment I would gladly follow him through the gates of hell, confident that he would be able to keep me safe there, as well.

"It'll be fine, Bella. Nothing bad will happen. You'll like it, I promise," he reassured me, though it was no longer necessary. "Okay?"

One more nod. I still couldn't find my voice.

"Cat got your tongue?" he teased.

"Maybe," I shook my head to clear it. "I didn't realize you could be quite so persuasive."

He laughed. "One of my many talents. Now, if you really don't want to go up there, we can skip it. But I guarantee it's completely safe."

I shrugged. He had me convinced.

"Lead on," I said.

He led me to an elevator that whisked us to the top of the structure. When the door opened, however, I didn't see the observation deck I expected. Instead, we stepped out into what looked like a lobby of a restaurant. I looked at Jasper with questioning eyes.

"You need to eat, remember?"

In truth, I had forgotten. But when we spoke of eating earlier I was envisioning something like a hot dog or some chips, not an obviously upscale restaurant which, at least form our vantage point, appeared to be completely empty.

A man stepped into the lobby and I assumed he would inform us that we were at the wrong place, but instead he greeted Jasper as "Mr. Hale" and led us to a table, seating us directly next to the windows.

"Um, Jasper?"

"Yes, Darlin'?"

"We're moving!"

He laughed.

"Yes, this is a revolving restaurant. We're slowly spinning around the axis of the Needle. This way you can get the whole panoramic view while you eat."

I considered this for a second. Not only were we at the top of this extremely tall, precarious building, but we were also spinning around its axis? Some of my anxiety returned.

"Truly, Bella, it's perfectly safe. The restaurant has been here since 1962 with no mishaps."

I swallowed hard and looked around. Except for the man who showed us to our table, we were, in fact, the only people in the restaurant.

"Why is there no one else here?"

"On weekends the restaurant closes between brunch and dinner service. But knowing the timing of our day, I made some calls and they agreed to make an exception for us."

I raised an eyebrow. I had a pretty good idea of what Jasper had done to persuade the restaurant to make an exception for us. He had certainly known what he was doing when he got me to agree not to complain. But a deal was a deal, so I sighed and resolved to enjoy myself as much as I possibly could. I looked at the menu that had been placed on the table for us and made my selections just in time to relay them to the waiter, who arrived to take the order.

"This is really different," I said. "I never even knew a place like this existed. The view is amazing."

I glanced out at Seattle below us. The sky was still overcast, but without the drizzle we could see the whole city clearly.

"I know you think it's too much," he acknowledged, "but I just wanted to do something unique. And after that whole Caleb fiasco, I can't say I'm sorry that we're in this restaurant alone."

I had to give him that. There was no possibility that any stranger would bother me here.

"I didn't realize how anxious you would be about being up here, though. You're okay now, right?"

I nodded, hesitantly. I was okay, for the most part.

"Maybe you could distract me," I offered.

"What would you like me to do?"

The waiter arrived with my iced tea and the Crab and Shrimp Louis salad I'd ordered. I ate some salad and drank some tea before I continued.

"If I promise not to use it for the project, will you tell me one of your favorite poems?"

Jasper's expression was inscrutable as he considered my request. He hesitated, but just as I became certain that he was going to refuse, he started speaking:

"_There are many things in the world and you  
Are one of them. Many things keep happening and  
You are one of them, and the happening that  
Is you keeps falling like snow  
On the landscape of not-you, hiding hideousness, until  
The streets and the world of wrath are choked with snow._

_How many things have become silent? Traffic  
Is throttled. The mayor  
Has been, clearly, remiss and the city  
Was totally unprepared for such a crisis. Nor  
Was I-- yes, why should this happen to me?  
I have always been a law abiding citizen._

_But you, like snow, like love, keep falling,_

_And it is not certain that the world will not be  
Covered in a glitter of crystalline whiteness._

_Silence."_

I stared at him, transfixed. The images painted by the author were amazingly beautiful, but the overwhelming love described was complex and not necessarily welcome. The poem represented the struggle of someone who thought he had been on the right path being diverted by the overwhelming force of love, still unsure whether this new course was a preferable one.

I wondered why Jasper would have chosen this as one of his favorite poems, but the answers that crowded my mind were impossible and hopeless. It was a perfect poem to send a message, but the message could not have been one he intended. No point in allowing myself to foolishly dream, only to be crushed by reality.

"I seem to have rendered you speechless," Jasper commented, watching me carefully.

I laughed nervously, realizing that I had made a mistake by failing to respond.

"Yeah, I guess. I was just thinking that there is a lot going on in that poem beneath the surface."

"Yes, there is," he agreed. Neither one of us seemed inclined to say anything else. I returned to my salad.

"How long has that poem been one of your favorites," I asked tentatively after a few silent bites, wanting to know the answer yet afraid to find out what it was.

"It's a fairly recent favorite, actually," he said, not quite meeting my eyes.

"It's beautiful."

"It is."

I returned to eating my salad and watched the view change as the restaurant continued its rotation. As I ate, I thought about the situation with Jasper. I was playing a dangerous game, one that I knew I couldn't win. All the time I was spending with him, all the intimate conversations, all the touching and close calls, all the things he said that I tried to misinterpret, all of them would come back to haunt me very soon. Jasper would leave, it was inevitable, and when he left I would be broken. And there would be no one to help me pick up the pieces and no one to be angry with but myself. It was hard enough getting over Edward. It would be impossible to survive losing Jasper if I continued down this path. Whether I wanted to or not, I had to be honest with him, had to tell him how I felt so that maybe he could help me get over these foolish fantasies, as he had once promised he would.

"Jasper?" I asked timidly.

"What is it, Bella?" he sounded concerned.

"I think we need to talk."

He didn't seem surprised.

"I agree. In fact, I was planning on it. But I was hoping to leave it until later tonight, when we're on our way home."

"Oh," I said. So he had noticed all my crazy emotions and knew I had a problem. I didn't know whether to be upset or relieved. "On the way home sounds good." No sense spoiling the rest of our day with an upsetting discussion. There would be plenty of time for that later.

I must have looked pretty freaked out, because he leaned over the table and placed his hand over mine.

"It'll be all right, Bella," he said reassuringly. "We're good at talking things out."

He was right about that. The best thing about our relationship was that, for the most part, we could talk about anything. It would be a little harder for me to talk about this with him in person, instead of on the phone, but I knew I could count on him to help me through it.

The waiter came back to collect the dishes and to ask if I wanted coffee or dessert. I declined both. Jasper thanked him and discretely slipped him some bills that, presumably, were sufficient to cover the check and tip. We got up and headed out of the restaurant. I tried walking back to the same elevator we came up in, but Jasper steered me towards another door.

"Since we're this far up already, we might as well head up to the observation deck," he explained.

The observation deck was everything I imagined. At first, I insisted that we stay in the indoors portion, exploring the information and trivia provided on the SkyQ kiosks. Eventually, though, Jasper convinced me to come out to the open air outer level. With him by my side, eventually my anxiety disappeared completely and I really started to enjoy the experience.

We walked around the whole perimeter, looking down at the city and pointing out Seattle landmarks to each other using the provided graphics and marveling at the beauty of all the visible mountain ranges. I looked through the powerful telescope trying to find our yacht in the marina, only to have to have Jasper point it out after he spotted it with his perfect eyesight. When I mentioned that I wished I had a camera so we could get our picture taken together, Jasper produced his mobile phone and an obliging tourist snapped our photo. It was difficult to see details on the small phone screen, but I loved the way the two of us looked standing closely together, laughing. Just before we decided to head back down, I turned to Jasper and, all cautionary thoughts from the restaurant forgotten, wrapped my arms around him in a spontaneous hug.

"Thank you so much for convincing me to do this," I said, my smiling face upturned at him. "I can't believe I almost missed all this because of some stupid phobia."

He smiled back at me broadly and lowered his head so that our foreheads were touching. "You don't know how happy it makes me to see you enjoying this," he murmured. "It was worth all the work it took to get you up here just to see the smile on your face right now. It's the most breathtaking sight I've seen all day."

**

* * *

**

The poem is

_**Love Recognized**_** by Robert Penn Warren. I thought it was kind of appropriate for Jasper.**

**More of the endless Seattle day in the next chapter – hopefully you're not tired of it yet. What did you think of Jasper and Bella's time at the Space Needle? You know I love the feedback!**


	27. Chapter 27: Sketch

**WOW everyone! Thank you so much for being so very generous with and in your reviews. I especially wanted to thank all the new readers who commented on the chapters as your read them – it was fun to go through the story again with you! I will try to respond to everyone, but time is short this week so it may not be until the weekend. I kind of figured that if I only had time to do one of the two, you all would rather have me writing than responding to reviews. **

**Also, a huge thanks to Lillie Cullen, who mentioned this story in an Author's Note to her fan fic. Lillie is a fabulous writer and, as long as you can handle an M rating, I would highly recommend her stories. **

**Finally, thanks to Deborah, Meg, Megan and Liz for all of their support of the story and helping me with the chapters before they get posted. You're the best!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_He smiled back at me broadly and lowered his head so that our foreheads were touching. "You don't know how happy it makes me to see you enjoying this," he murmured. "It was worth all the work it took to get you up here just to see the smile on your face right now. It's the most breathtaking sight I've seen all day."_

**

* * *

**

Chapter 27: Sketch

"You have a pretty breathtaking smile yourself, Major Whitlock," I teased. "I'm pretty sure more than one woman out here is giving me the evil eye right now."

"I wouldn't know," he said. "Are there other women out here?"

I stepped away from him and swatted him on the shoulder playfully.

"Quit being such a flirt."

He raised an eyebrow, still smiling. "Quit acting like you don't like it."

I blushed. Darn him and his abilities. It's not like I could argue, at least not convincingly. It was time to change the topic of conversation.

"So are we going to stay up here for the rest of the day, or do you have something else planned?"

"I thought we'd check out the aquarium. I think you'd really like the tidal pool exhibit."

Ordinarily I would have loved going to the aquarium, since I really like tidal pools. I remembered the hike I went on in the spring at First Beach to see the natural tidal pools. That little hike had resulted in mild injuries, so it was probably a lot safer for me to go to the aquarium. However, I also remembered Caleb mentioning that his family had gone to the aquarium, and I really did not want to see him again if he decided to join them after all. Jasper sensed my hesitation.

"Or we could do something else," he added.

"Would you mind terribly?" I asked. "I'd love to go there with you another time, just not today."

He gave me a puzzled look, but didn't push me for an explanation. Instead, his brow furrowed a little. I had no doubt he was rearranging the rest of our afternoon plans. I watched as his face changed from concentration to a wide smile.

"I know exactly what we'll do instead, but don't ask, it's a surprise."

I rolled my eyes. "Of course it is. The whole day has been one surprise after another. Why should this be any different?"

"Just go with it, Bella."

"Jasper, you know I will. Like I told you Thursday, today I'm all yours to do with as you please." _Oh, wait. Did I really just say that? That came out totally wrong!_

Jasper turned away sliding open his cell phone, but not before I saw the stunned expression on his face. _Great! Now he thinks I'm throwing myself at him. Terrific! Just terrific! _I could feel a fierce blush spreading on my face.

"John," I heard him say, "We'll be down in a few minutes. Please pick us up where you dropped us off."

When he turned back to me his face was composed, no sign of the earlier reaction. He gave no indication that he wanted to address my last statement and that was fine by me.

"Ready to go?" he asked. I simply nodded, my face still burning.

Ordinarily, at this point we would have reached for each other's hands, but neither of us did so now. My one single, stupid misstatement created a tension between us where there was none before. We waited for the elevator without speaking. No one else joined the line, so when the elevator arrived it was just the two of us stepping in for the ride down. I could feel the awkward energy crackling between us as we turned to face the door. I angled my face slightly to look at him out of the corner of my eye and caught him doing the same thing. We both looked away immediately.

I was tingling all over. I saw him shift slightly, almost as if he were uncomfortable, which, as far as I knew, was nearly impossible for a vampire. Unconsciously, I mirrored his action, shifting away from him slightly as well. The small movement did nothing to alleviate the new burning sensation that was spreading throughout my body. I watched the door of the elevator anxiously, willing it with my mind to open and let us out of this highly charged, moving cell. A few more seconds of this and I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

Without even looking at him I knew he felt the same way. Moments later I felt him turning towards me and reaching for my hand. He grabbed my hand and pulled me, only hard enough to bring me within the circle of his arms. He looked down at me, his golden eyes a shade darker than before.

"Darlin'," he said, his voice deep and tender.

"Jasper," I whispered. His head dipped again, just like this morning out on the deck. My lips parted slightly in anticipation. I could feel his cool breath on my face, his spicy scent increasing my level of excitement. I started to close my eyes.

And then the elevator door slid open. Startled, Japer changed the course of his head almost imperceptibly, so that instead of his lips coming into contact with mine, his nose brushed against mine and came to rest against my cheek. He let out an exasperated sigh and we both turned to face the elevator attendant before stepping out.

Outside the breeze felt good against my skin as we walked to the car. I was extremely agitated and needed something to help me cool off before Jasper and I found ourselves in yet another closely confined space. I didn't know what to make of what was happening today. Could my attraction for Jasper really have such an effect on him that it would cause him to act impulsively and disregard his commitment to Alice? That was the only explanation I could come up with, and yet it didn't make any sense. If Jasper could effectively control his bloodlust, why not the other type of lust as well.

Then it dawned on me. Maybe the control over his bloodlust was taking up all of his energy so that there was nothing left to control other urges, especially if they were forced upon him by someone who spent a lot of her time in close proximity with him.

I was horrified. It was bad enough that I could not control my feelings and that Jasper cold sense them. Now they could possibly be impacting him and causing him to act out of character? Causing him to lose control? This was intolerable! And just a couple of days ago I had effectively stripped him of the only defense he had available, stopping him from calming down my emotions when they became too much for him. No wonder he needed to talk to me later. Clearly we could not continue on the path we were now. Either I would have to let him use his ability on me or we would have to stop seeing each other until I managed to get my own feelings under control.

I hesitated when we reached the car, reluctant to enter the closed-in space where my emotions had the potential to impact Jasper so severely. I wondered how to maximize the distance between us in the vehicle without making my efforts too obvious. I started to get in, but Jasper placed a hand on my upper arm to stop me.

"Can we . . ." he hesitated, "Can we talk for a minute, Bella?"

My stomach knotted up, but I nodded and turned back to him. We walked away from the car, out of John's earshot.

"What happened back there," he moved his head in the direction of the Space Needle, "that shouldn't have happened. I can't explain – there was just this moment and something in the air and . . . I'm sorry."

_Wait! Why was he apologizing to me? How was I supposed to respond?_ Fortunately, I didn't have to think about that too hard, as he continued without pause.

"I'd hate for that . . . for that lapse in judgment to ruin the rest of our time together today. Do you agree?"

I nodded. Of course I agreed. I would have given anything to go back in time and erase the last fifteen minutes.

"So maybe we can just," he expelled a burst of air through his nose and inhaled again deeply, "just forget it happened? Just ignore the people on the elevator and focus on these two?" he slid open his phone and held it so that we could both see the photo taken of us such a short time ago.

I stared at the screen and focused on our smiling faces. I really wanted to go back in time.

"Yes," I said. "I'd like that. But how?"

He looked at me, scrutinizing my face carefully, then opened up his arms in an inviting fashion. I hesitated. Was this a smart thing to do? What if I started having more inappropriate thoughts?

The look of disappointment on his face upon seeing my delay convinced me that I had to try. I stepped closer to him and wrapped my arms around his waist as his arms encircled me. It felt nice. Not inappropriate. Just nice, comfortable, and homey. I rested my cheek against his chest and sighed. I felt a most remarkable sense of comfort and belonging.

And then, without any warning, I felt his fingers on both sides above my hips start to move, and the comfortable feeling evaporated as I was forced to laugh. He was tickling me! I gasped.

"Jasper, stop!" I pleaded through my laughter. I looked up to see him smiling down on me mischievously.

"Ask me politely," he was laughing as well.

"Please, stop," I begged. "You're killing me," I was laughing so hard tears were beginning to well up in my eyes.

He let me go, then, and I jumped away heading for the safety of the car, but he caught me from behind, which only gave him better access to the sensitive skin of my abdomen. His fingers skimmed across my shirt with the lightest touch, sending me into another fit of laughter. I could hear his echoing laughter ringing pleasantly in my ear as I tried to extricate myself from his grasp.

"Jasper, this is torture. You have to stop!" I complained through my continuous laughter.

"I don't know. You seem to be enjoying yourself," he teased. But then his fingers stopped moving, and he pulled me closer against him briefly before letting me go. I leaned over for a few seconds, hands resting on my upper thighs as I tried to regulate my breathing. Then I straightened and looked back at him with a smile.

"I'll get you for this, Jasper Whitlock," I threatened, "when you least expect it."

His eyebrows went up and down in unison.

"I very much doubt you'll succeed, but it will be fun seeing you try."

I huffed, pretending to be insulted.

"Never underestimate the power of human ingenuity," I said in what I hoped was a mildly menacing tone, "I'll figure something out."

He inclined his head in a quick bob.

"I hope you do, Darlin'. In fact, I'm looking forward to it. And now, let's get on with the rest of our day."

All the tension between us was gone as we walked back to the car. Out of the corner of my eye I saw an older woman standing with her leashed Pomeranian, watching us with an obviously approving smile. I looked to Jasper, who placed his arm around my waist and pulled me to his side as we walked. My own happiness spread through out my body. Everything was back on track.

"Take us to the Bay Pavilion at Pier 57, please, John," Jasper said after we were both in the car.

I looked at him questioningly, but he just shrugged his shoulders.

"You'll see in a bit. No sense in spoiling the surprise now."

I didn't complain. Instead, I settled back in the leather upholstery and enjoyed the brief drive.

We got out of the car at the pier. I looked at the building in front of us, still not understanding what we were doing here. I followed Jasper inside and soon saw the reason he chose this place. I laughed.

"You found an arcade!"

"I told you I would," he said smugly. "Now, they only have the Pirates of the Caribbean machine. I know it's not one of your favorites, but it's the best I could do on short notice."

I looked at him in amazement, so flattered that he cared enough about my stupid little quirks to find a place where I could play pinball, of all things. Of course, now he would find out that everything I told him was the truth – as much as I liked playing pinball, I really wasn't any good at it. It was going to be a short stop.

We found the pinball machine in the back of the arcade. Not surprisingly, it wasn't being used. We walked up to it and I studied the playing field. It looked like it could be a lot of fun. I glanced at the coin slot. We needed tokens. Jasper volunteered to go back to get some. I stayed to learn more about the game. I chuckled where I saw that the word "rules" had been crossed out and replaced by "more like guidelines". The makers of the game had a sense of humor.

Jasper returned shortly and slipped the tokens into the coin slot.

"She's all yours," he said as he stepped aside.

I walked up to the machine timidly.

"I haven't played in a long time," I cringed a little. "I'm probably really rusty. And I've never played this machine."

"Darlin', it doesn't matter. We're not here for a competition. Just have some fun. Enjoy it."

I stepped up and launched the first ball, placing my fingers over the flipper buttons on the side. The game had a classic feel. Just two flippers, a wide open lower playing field and a crowded upper field. I wasn't the best flipper handler, so this was exactly the kind of game I feared the most. Too many times the ball would come shooting at me directly down the middle and I'd watch it disappear right between the flippers – nothing for me to do. Still, I managed to keep each ball in play a respectable period of time, even locked up and released some multi balls. I enjoyed the play of the lights across the fields and the different quotes form the movie being played in the background: "Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of rum!"; "Didn't we already kill that thing?"; "You're the worst pirate I've ever seen!"

At times I would look over at Jasper, who was leaning on one of the other machines, watching me indulgently with a self-satisfied grin. I tried to limit the number of times I looked at him, because it seemed each time my attention was diverted I lost another ball. But I also couldn't help looking, since I enjoyed seeing him there as much as I was enjoying the game. After a little while I was on my last ball.

"Should I get some more tokens, Darlin'?" he drawled.

"No," I declined. "How about you just help me keep this one in play a little longer?"

His grin turned into a wide smile.

"As you wish," he said, and moved over to stand behind me. "Launch it," he encouraged, and then placed his fingers lightly over mine over the flipper buttons.

Playing with Jasper was awesome. Of course, there wasn't much for me to do. I let him control the flippers by pressing my fingers gently over the buttons. With his perfect coordination, his playing style was much calmer than mine, and I probably could have leaned back against him and taken a nap without interrupting the game. Instead, I just watched the play intently, for the first time having enough time to get to know the rules. Jasper completed each element of the game perfectly and methodically, letting me watch the story unfold as the creators of the game intended. In its own way, it was as much of a miraculous experience as the whales we saw earlier. I absolutely loved it.

"Do you want me to keep going?" he asked after he completed all of the tricks once.

I shook my head. "No, I've seen enough. We don't have to stay here all night."

Jasper deliberately let the ball fall through to end the game. I exhaled audibly.

"That was something," I said. "Thank you so much, again! You are spoiling me rotten!"

"That's the idea, Darlin'. That's the idea."

Hand in hand, we walked out of the arcade back onto the pier. It took me a little while to adjust to the natural light. I glanced around.

"Jasper, look, a sketch artist!" I exclaimed excitedly. "It's so amazing what they can do in just a short period of time. I've always wanted one of those done."

He looked at me with a smile.

"If you've always wanted one, then you'll have one done today."

My smile faded. I was already uncomfortable enough with all the extravagant plans Jasper had made for the day. And now he wanted to spend more money on sketches? I couldn't just keep accepting his generosity.

"No complaints, remember?" he reminded me gently. "Nothing would make me happier than to give you this memento of our time together."

I relented. No matter how much I hated the thought of more money being spent on me, I desperately wanted this memento as well. Something to remember him after he was gone.

The artist finished with his customer, handing her the completed portrait and accepting her payment. He looked back and, seeing the two of us, pulled over a second stool.

"No, no," Jasper said quickly. "This will just be her." He tried pushing me towards the stools, but I grabbed his hand and refused to budge without him.

"Come on," I pleaded. "It has to be the two of us."

"Your girlfriend's right," the artist added. "Trust me, some day you'll want this reminder of how the two of you look right now."

Jasper still looked like he was going to resist.

"Please," I said in a small voice as I widened my eyes and stuck out my lower lip in a pleading pout. It was childish, but I had a feeling it would work.

"All right," Jasper reluctantly agreed and followed me to the seats.

"Great," said the artist. "I'm Ken. What are your names?"

"Jasper and Bella," I quickly responded.

"Okay, Jasper, I need you to sit on the back stool and spread out your legs so that Bella can sit between them on the other stool. Bella, slide the stool you're sitting on back towards Jasper." Jasper and I followed Ken's instructions.

"Terrific. Now, Jasper, bring your arms to the front and wrap them around Bella. Good. Bella, cross your arms in front on top of Jasper's and lean back into him." We continued to follow the instructions, which now placed us in close proximity to each other in a fairly intimate position. I blushed and looked up at Jasper. He looked down at me reassuringly, but behind me I felt him shift his stool back slightly. My flush increased.

"Bella, tilt your head to your right," Ken continued. "A little bit less. Perfect. Jasper, you look. . . no, you don't have to change a thing." Ken picked up his charcoal and started sketching.

"So now your job is to sit relatively still for ten to fifteen minutes while I try to capture the moment. Are you from around here?"

"We're from Forks," I said. "On the west side of the peninsula."

"Ah," Ken commented. "And you came to the city on a date? What have you done so far?"

I decided not to correct his impression that Jasper and I were on a date. It would take too long to explain and, besides, I rather enjoyed this illusion.

"We went whale watching in the morning, then we did the underground Seattle tour and then we went to the Space Needle."

Ken whistled. "Wow, Jasper. You sure know how to do it right. You're a lucky girl, Bella."

"I know," I agreed. "He's incorrigible."

"He's in love," Ken said.

I blushed anew.

"With all the blushing, Bella, you're making me wish I was doing this in color. You two do make a lovely couple."

"Bella is lovely, anyway." I heard Jasper say behind me. It took a lot of effort not to break pose to look back at him.

"Indeed she is," Ken agreed. "So, is this it, or do you have more planned for tonight?"

I didn't know how to respond since Jasper had not filled me in on our evening plans.

"Tonight it's just dinner and conversation," Jasper replied. "And maybe a little dancing."

I couldn't help but look at him in surprise. Didn't he realize yet how uncoordinated I was and how dancing was just not an option for me? He was looking down at me with a bemused expression.

"No complaining," he reminded me once again quietly. "But you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with."

I returned to the pose and smiled. Now that I knew the option was mine, dancing with Jasper didn't sound like such a bad idea. If we only slow danced, close to each other, his arms wrapped securely around me so that I had no chance to make a fool of myself. . . It really didn't sound like a bad idea at all.

"Jasper, you're quite the romantic," Ken said, "planning such a special day for a special lady."

"Nothing I could plan could be as special as Bella, but I did my best."

"Well, from the look on both of your faces, son, I'd say you succeeded."

Ken continued to sketch in silence for a while. I didn't mind at all. Sitting there by the waterfront, a gentle breeze coming in off the ocean, leaning back against Jasper's hard, muscular chest with his arms encircled around me, I felt there could never be a more perfect place and time. I wanted to stretch this moment to infinity.

Too soon, Ken put down the charcoal.

"All done," he said, taking off the sketch and handing it to me for evaluation. I took one look at it and gasped in shock. The couple in the sketch resembled Jasper and me physically, but it couldn't have been us. The girl was gorgeous, long hair flowing down her shoulders in waves, a smile of complete contentment on her face, and a confident happiness evident in her eyes as she leaned back against the man behind her. He had his arms wrapped around her loosely, but possessively, signaling to the world that she belonged with him. His face was turned slightly towards her and down, his wavy hair falling rakishly over one eye. His focus and concentration were exclusively on her and the look in his face and eyes was that of a man who was looking at the most important woman in the world, his one true love.

I looked at the sketch in wonder, completely awed by its beauty. Then my face fell a little. Ken must have noticed the change in my expression.

"Something wrong? You don't like it?" he asked, sounding a bit hurt.

"No, it's not that," I said quickly. "It's beautiful. I guess I was just looking for something more . . . more realistic."

Ken laughed.

"Bella, I'm a good artist, but I only draw what I see. Trust me, if I had taken a photograph it would have looked exactly the same."

I looked back to Jasper, who was studying the sketch carefully over my shoulder. Seeing my gaze, he lowered his head and rubbed his cheek against mine.

"No photograph or sketch could ever do her justice, Ken, but this is as close as anyone will ever get."

He loosened his embrace, reaching to his back pocket for his wallet. He pulled out several bills and handed them to Ken. I knew it was much more than the regular price of a sketch. Ken's eyes opened wide as he took the money and shoved it in his pocket.

"Thanks, man. That's very generous."

"You more than earned it," Jasper said simply, standing up and pulling me up with him. He reached for the rubber band offered by Ken, rolled up the sketch loosely, taking care not to crease it, and slipped the rubber band over the roll to maintain its shape. He handed the sketch to me and took my hand.

"Thanks, Ken," he said over his shoulder as we walked away.

"So what do you think, Bella? Ready to go back to the yacht?" he asked.

"What happened to the dinner and dancing?"

"There's a chef aboard the yacht, probably preparing dinner as we speak. As for the dancing, well, it'll be better for my ego if you refuse me in private."

"How do you know I'll refuse?"

"I'm hoping you don't, Darlin'. I'm definitely hoping you don't."

**

* * *

**

Please don't hate me for yet another almost-kiss. I think I enjoy those way too much, but I also think it's going to be the last one. Of course, since I haven't written ahead, I'm never really sure of what is and is not going to be in future chapters, but let's just say this is the last planned near-kiss.

**The next installment should be posted this weekend. **

**As always, I'd love to hear if you had a favorite (or least favorite) part in this chapter. Feedback is my inspiration! **


	28. Chapter 28: What Can You Lose

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 28: What can you lose?**

We walked back to the car and, after calling the captain to let him know of our plans, Jasper instructed John to take us back to the marina. I looked down at the rolled up sketch in my hand, trying to resist the impulse to unroll it and look at it again.

"Shall I get it framed for you?" Jasper asked.

I thought about it for a while. Much as I wanted to, I couldn't very well display the sketch anywhere. How would I explain it if anyone ever saw it? I shook my head.

"No. It's easier to hide when it's like this. I can't take a chance on Charlie or anyone else seeing it."

He nodded his understanding.

"We'll have to find a book large enough to press it flat in. We'll make sure it's something boring, so no one is tempted to look inside. Carlisle should have something suitable in his library."

"That's a good idea, Jasper. Thanks!"

The car pulled into the marina parking lot. I waited as Jasper settled the bill with John, and then we walked back together to the yacht. Captain Jones was waiting for us and began final preparations to sail as soon as we came on board.

"Chef's preparing dinner in the kitchen," he informed us, "but the rest of the yacht is open for your pleasure."

"Would you like to go inside or stay out on deck for a while?" Jasper asked.

"Let's stay out," I said. "We'll have to be inside later so we might as well take advantage of this opportunity."

Jasper took the sketch from my hand "Let me just take care of this. Be back in a moment."

True to his word, even at human speed he was back from the salon in less than a minute. We walked to the railing and looked out at the Seattle skyline. I realized I would never be able to see the city again without thinking of this day with Jasper. The thought that this magical time with him was coming to an end made me melancholy.

"Are you okay?" he asked, obviously sensing my mood.

"Yes, I'm just sad that it all has to end. I feel like Cinderella watching the clock, seeing it get closer and closer to midnight."

"It's just one day, Bella. It doesn't have to be the last day we spend together. I swear I have no plans to turn into a pumpkin."

I laughed. "Prince Charming didn't turn into a pumpkin, silly."

"Neither did Cinderella. And, if I recall, the story didn't exactly have a tragic ending. Didn't the two of them live happily ever after together?"

I cringed. It wasn't exactly a fair comparison. Prince Charming wasn't a vampire with a family and mate waiting for him in Alaska. I looked away. Suddenly I didn't feel like looking at the city anymore.

"Let's go to the front," I suggested. "We haven't been there yet."

Jasper followed me to the bow of the yacht and we looked out towards the horizon. The sun had finally descended below the clouds with just wisps of red streaks visible in the distance over the water. Daylight was giving way to dusk. It was all so beautiful.

"This was a perfect day, Jasper. I know I keep saying the same thing, but thank you. I'll never forget this."

"Me either," he said. "And thank you for letting me plan this and for sharing it with me. You don't realize how good you made me feel today."

"Really? How good is that?" I challenged.

He looked thoughtful for a moment, then a mischievous glint came to his eyes.

"About this good," he said as he stepped to the V in the deck railing, climbing up on the lower rail and spreading his arms wide. "I'm the king of the world!" he shouted.

I giggled. "Very original, Jasper," I said. "I'm sure no one has ever done that before." Although I was laughing, I was also amazed by the way he looked up on that railing. Like a figurehead on the prow of a ship or a golden deity.

He looked at me over his shoulder and beckoned me to him.

"So what if others have done it? It's still a classic moment. Want to try it?"

I shook my head. "I'd better not, unless you feel like going for a swim."

"Come on, Bella," He said. "You know I'll keep you safe. Here, we can even stay on deck." He jumped down from the railing and extended his hand to me. I took it and stepped in front of him into the V point.

"That's it," He murmured, "Now spread out your arms." He guided my arms out, supporting them with his. And just like Rose in the movie Titanic, I felt like I was flying. Sure, it was corny, but also strangely romantic, and I was so relieved that I was supported by the deck railing and Jasper when he leaned over and whispered "I was already feeling pretty great, Bella, but nothing beats sailing into the sunset with you."

I sighed. I loved hearing him say it, but stuff like this was exactly the reason why he and I needed to talk. I was about to say something, when he turned me around and pulled me away from the railing.

"May I have the favor of a dance?" he asked. I saw him reach into his pocket and music started flowing from a speaker system I hadn't noticed before. The song was Selena's "_I Could Fall in Love_," the same song I played for him last night. Suddenly, despite the cool ocean breeze, I felt very, very warm.

"I promise it won't hurt," he said. "I'm actually pretty good at this. All you have to do is follow my lead."

Reluctantly, I took his offered hand and placed my left hand on his shoulder. He placed his right hand on my waist and started to lead. Following him was almost effortless, and for the first time in my life I actually enjoyed dancing.

"See, Bella," he teased gently. "That's not so bad, is it?"

I didn't respond, preferring to continue gliding along the deck to the beautiful song. Selena reached the Spanish lyrics and I remembered that I still didn't know what she was saying.

"Would you like me to translate?" Jasper asked, as though he had read my mind.

I nodded.

"_I'm always dreaming of you  
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin  
Hugging me with crazy longings  
Imagining that you love me  
The way that I could love you"_

My breath caught and I had to look away. His talent must have been rubbed off on me and I didn't even know it. I had found a song with lyrics that expressed exactly how I felt, though in a differnet language. I swallowed hard, wondering what he was thinking, what he had thought when I played this song last night. I guessed this was as good a time as any to start our discussion. I took a deep breath and was about to speak when I saw a man dressed in a chef's coat coming over from the salon.

"Mr. Hale, ma'am," he said quietly, clearly uncomfortable with interrupting our dance, "Dinner is ready whenever you are."

Jasper stopped just as the song ended.

"Perfect timing," he said. "Shall we?"

I wrapped my arm around his and we walked back to the salon. I gasped at the transformation. The dining table was beautifully set and decorated with a gorgeous low floral centerpiece. Jasper pulled out a chair for me and waited to push it in for me as I sat down.

"I'll serve, if you don't mind," He said to the chef. "We'd prefer to be alone."

"Not at all, sir. Bon Apetit!" I heard the man say behind me. Then I heard the click of the door that let up to the wheel house. A moment later Jasper was at the table delivering a beautifully plated crab cake and another plate with tortellini kebobs.

"Um, these are beautiful, but you know I'm just one person, right? There is a limit to how much I can eat."

Jasper sat down next to me, instead of at the opposite end of the table.

"I know, Darlin', but I still don't know what you do and do not like to eat, so to be safe I had the chef prepare two completely different meals. Just to increase the odds that you'll find something to suit your taste. So you can eat whatever you like."

I stared at him in disbelief. Was it actually possible for someone to be this considerate?

"Or," he said, with less assurance, "you don't have to eat anything at all, if I managed to choose all wrong. I can ask the chef to come down and prepare something else."

"No," I said quickly. "This is wonderful. Both of these are wonderful," I exclaimed as I looked at the two appetizers before me. "I just can't believe you did all this for me. Though I suppose . . ." suddenly I was embarrassed that I had been so surprised at his thoughtfulness, since he had never failed to consider my needs before. "I suppose I should have expected this. You've planned out everything else.

"But Jasper," I said urgently, "you have to stop doing this. Stop trying to make everything perfect. It's too much. I mean, please don't misunderstand, I love it and I appreciate it, but nothing and no one else could ever compare to this, and it's not fair . . ."

I turned away from him. I wanted to postpone this conversation until after dinner was over, so that we could speak without interruptions. I needed to tell him that I was feeling things I shouldn't be feeling and that his consideration and attentiveness only made it worse, but this just didn't seem like the right time. I needed to stall. Would he let me get away with leaving that last statement without a follow-up? I had to try. I picked up the fork and took a bite of the crab cake. It was delicious.

"Mmmm, this is divine."

I took a quick look at him. He was watching me with a concerned expression. I could tell he wanted to say something, but was trying hard to restrain himself. I hated doing this to him, leaving things hanging the way I did, but I just wasn't ready right now to address that very sensitive topic.

I tried one of the tortellini kebabs after dipping it in the accompanying sauce. It was wonderful as well.

"I wish you could taste these, they're fabulous. What else is on the menu tonight? If everything else is this good, I'd better pace myself."

I saw real conflict in his face – his reluctance to abandon our barely started discussion battling with his desire to answer my question. The latter won.

"Caesar salad, Spinach Gorgonzola salad, Lobster tail and Filet Mignon, Poached Salmon, Cheesecake with strawberry and chocolate sauce and Tiramisu."

My eyes must have bugged out of my head. Even tasting just a little bit of each dish was going to make me too full. Still, it all sounded great.

"Well," I said with a sigh, "As much as I love these, if I'm going to try all that other stuff I'd better stop and move on to the salads. As it is my stomach will probably run out of room before we get to dessert, and that's the best part!"

Seemingly before I even finished speaking Jasper whisked the appetizers away and returned with the salads. The Caesar salad was magnificent, the fresh dressing prepared just right. The spinach gorgonzola salad with candied walnuts and raspberry vinaigrette dressing was just as good. I limited my self to a couple of forkfuls of each and watched as Jasper brought the main dishes.

The lobster tail was my undoing. It was by far my favorite and there as no way I could stop at just a couple of bites. I ate it without the butter or lemon, just savoring the rich, luxurious flavor.

"This is absolutely amazing," I said as I closed my eyes to really focus on the taste, "very possibly the most wonderful food on earth."

I opened my eyes to see Jasper watching me with an amused expression.

"What?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. It looked like he was trying to hold back laughter.

"Obviously it's something. What's so funny?" I was starting to feel a little mad for being left out of the joke. He must have sensed my impatience, because he decided to answer.

"Well, let's just say that if I didn't know you were eating, I'd really be wondering what you were thinking about. The look on your face as you ate that lobster was quite, um, sensuous."

I could feel my face turning crimson. I hadn't realized my enjoyment of the lobster had been so obvious or that it may have looked like something other than what it was.

"Yeah, well," I struggled for something, anything to say that would ease my embarrassment, "since I know you're busy storing this information in your perfect memory, why don't you add this bit to it too – I only allow myself to eat lobster once a year, at most. If I ate it more often it would stop being as special as it is. So if you've been thinking up ways to serve me lobster on a daily basis you can just forget that."

I was almost glad to see the look of disappointment on his face. I was getting to know him really well, anticipating the way he thought.

I took a nibble of the filet – it was as soft as butter, I didn't even need my steak knife. The poached salmon was equally delicious. I wished I was able to eat more, but, as predicted, I was way past my capacity limit.

As soon as I put down my fork Jasper returned the main dished to the kitchen and brought out the desserts. I looked at the scrumptious looking cheesecake and the martini glass filled with tiramisu, and I cursed the cruelty of having to forego the desserts. Then I noticed that next to the tiramisu lay a giant Caramello bar. I looked up at Jasper, with a surprised but pleased smile.

It was his turn to look embarrassed.

"I wanted to have at least one thing for you tonight that you were sure to like," he explained.

I reached over to put my hand over his. Considering everything else he had planned for today, this was just a miniscule little gesture, but it meant so much to me.

"Thank you," I said for what seemed like a thousandth time. I wanted to say more, but that would have taken us into that dangerous territory again, and I wanted just a few more minutes of this fantasy before reality crashed the party and potentially destroyed my perfect day.

I looked at the desserts again. I really couldn't eat another bite. But I thought after "the talk" I might just need to seek some sugar-laden comfort.

"I'm super full, Jasper, but maybe if I put them in the fridge for now I can try some later?" I started to get up but he placed a hand on my shoulder to keep me in my seat.

"Let me." It only took him seconds to put the desserts away and return to the table.

"So," we both said it at the same time. I looked at him and laughed awkwardly. I had been dreading this moment all afternoon.

"Maybe another dance?" he asked. He seemed as eager as I was to postpone the inevitable conversation. I never thought I'd be this grateful for an invitation to dance. I nodded and nervously stepped into the dance hold.

I realized that music was already playing, had been all throughout dinner. I chastised myself for being so unobservant. Jasper was always so deliberate in everything he did, I was sure his choice of music was filled with hidden messages. I wished I could go back in time to know what songs had already played. The song that was playing now was only vaguely familiar. Given his unique voice, I was pretty sure it was by Sting. I listened to the lyrics:

_Be still my beating heart  
It would be better to be cool  
It's not time to be open just yet  
A lesson once learned is so hard to forget  
Be still my beating heart  
Or I'll be taken for a fool  
It's not healthy to run at this pace  
The blood runs so red to my face  
I've been to every single book I know  
To soothe the thoughts that plague me so_

_I sink like a stone that's been thrown in the ocean  
My logic has drowned in a sea of emotion  
Stop before you start  
Be still my beating heart . . ._

I stumbled and nearly lost my footing. I only managed to remain upright with the support of Jasper's arms. I was grateful, but I couldn't look up at him. My face was as flushed as the song lyric described.

_He knows. Oh God, oh God, he knows. That must be why he chose this song. He knows how I feel about him and this is his way of communicating that. But what does this mean? Does he want me to say nothing? Would he prefer for me to keep my feelings to myself? How long can I do that and still continue to spend time with him? I'm not as able to control my feelings as he obviously hopes._

I felt Jasper pull me closer as I continued my internal monologue. His right hand moved from my waist to the small of my back. He took my right hand and positioned it around his neck while his left hand entwined with his right. I felt my left arm move up as if of its own volition and the fingers of my hands interlaced behind his neck. I closed the distance between us, pressing myself to his chest. I felt like a death row inmate being served my last meal – like this was the very last time Jasper and I would be this close. As much as I hated to think about it, I was determined to experience it fully, storing up the sensations to last for a lifetime: the feel of his cool body against my overheated frame, his seductive, spicy scent, the comfort and safety of his arms.

We weren't dancing any more as much as swaying, moving only very slightly within a small area. My eyes were closed and the right side of my face was pressed closely against him. I felt his chin resting against the back of my head. The song changed and the tempo slowed down. I focused on the lyrics.

_What can you lose? __Only the blues.  
Why keep concealing everything you're feeling?  
Say it to her, what can you lose?  
Maybe it shows,  
She's had clues, which she chose to ignore.  
Maybe though she knows,  
And just wants to go on as before.  
As a friend, nothing more.  
So she closes the door._

_Well, if she does, those are the dues.  
Once the words are spoken, something may be broken.  
Still, you love her. What can you lose?_

_But what if she goes? At least now, you have part of her.  
What if she had to choose?_

_Leave it alone. Hold it all in.  
Better a bone. Don't even begin.  
With so much to win,_

_There's too much to lose._

Once again he had found the perfect song to reflect my feelings. I nearly broke into tears, keeping only the most tenuous hold on my emotions and composure. He knew how I felt and he didn't want me to say anything. If I voiced the unthinkable, the friendship between us would be irrevocably broken.

I felt like someone had reached in for my heart and squeezed every single drop of blood out of it before cruelly twisting it and ripping it out of my chest, leaving a throbbing, gaping hole. The despair I felt was unbearable. I was overwhelmed by a profound sense of loss of something I never had and never had a right to want to begin with.

Jasper pulled me in even closer, nearly lifting me off the floor.

"Bella, Darlin," his voice sounded as pained as I felt, "may I?"

I nodded against his chest, the smallest of movements. I knew what he was asking and instantly felt a wave of calm washing over me, dulling the ache and filling the emptiness. The artificial calm also seemed to impact my control over my limbs, and I sagged helplessly against him. I felt his left arm move up to just beneath my shoulders as he leaned down and inserted his right arm behind my now bent knees. He lifted me up and deposited me on the sofa, all the while continuing to fill me with the calming waves.

Once I was on the sofa I reached for a toss pillow and hugged it close to my chest as I curled into a fetal position. Jasper kneeled on the floor in front of me and soothingly ran his hand over my forehead, smoothing my hair and tucking loose strands behind my ear.

"God, Bella, I am so sorry. I never meant for this to hurt you so much. I wish I could do something, change my feelings in some way so that I wouldn't cause you all this pain."

I tried to smile, not sure if I was succeeding.

"You don't have to apologize, Jasper. I understand. I wish I could change my feelings too. But I just don't think that's possible for either of us, is it?" Even as I spoke, I was shocked by the lifeless sound of my voice.

"No. At least, I don't think it's possible for me."

We were both silent for a while. I noticed the music was off now. The absence of sound was crushing despite the continuing calming waves.

"Jasper?" I had to ask him to stop. As horrible as the pain had been, this emotional analgesic was almost worse. Knowing what was right below the surface and not being able to feel it left a void of its own. "I know what I'm feeling hurts you too, but I need to go through it, I think."

He nodded and looked away. At once the full force of the pain returned. I hugged the pillow tighter to my chest.

"I had listened to that song countless times in the last few days," he said, dully, "trying to decide whether I should say anything to you. I wish I could remain silent, leave things unsaid, but after today I don't think that's an option. I have to say something, even at the risk of destroying the friendship we've built."

_Here it comes. Here's where he tells me that he sensed my feelings for him, and that he can't be friends with someone when that friendship puts his relationship with Alice at risk._ I braced myself as best as I could for his next words.

"I've tried so hard to deny it, to explain it, to run away from it. I never expected this to happen, never thought it was even possible. But ever since that day you came to see me at the house it's just been so completely overwhelming. I felt, but never understood, what Edward went through when he realized he needed to be with you despite how wrong it was for him to do so. Now I know just how painful his struggle was, because I feel exactly the same way."

**

* * *

**

**First, the credits. The first song is credited in the chapter itself. The second song is "Be Still my Beating Heart" by Sting off the Nothing Like the Sun album. The third song is "What Can you Lose," a duet between Madonna and Mandy Patinkin off the Dick Tracy soundtrack.**

**Second, I know I promised "the talk" for this chapter, but writing that and finding the right balance is taking longer than I thought. So forgive me for ending this chapter at such a crucial moment instead of delaying the upload until the entire "talk" is finished, and know that I will do my best to post the next chapter as soon as possible.**

**Though I try, I don't always have time to respond to every review, but I read them and appreciate them all! So please, do leave a review to let me know what you thought.**


	29. Chapter 29: Hydra

**All right, I totally deserved all the "please don't let her misinterpret stuff again" reviews. I think this chapter will make you happy on that front.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_"I've tried so hard to deny it, to explain it, to run away from it. I never expected this to happen, never thought it was even possible. But ever since that day you came to see me at the house it's just been so completely overwhelming. I felt, but never understood, what Edward went through when he realized he needed to be with you despite how wrong it was for him to do so. Now I know just how painful his struggle was, because I feel exactly the same way."_

**Chapter 29: Hydra**

"I have no experience with this kind of thing, so I'll do it the only way I know how. I'll just come out and say it. I have feelings for you, feelings I've never felt for anyone before. Ever. Not in my human life and not as a vampire. I don't know what it is and why it is - I just feel so connected with you intellectually and emotionally.

"No matter what I do, everything about you drives me to feel this way: the way you've gotten to know me; the way you let me get to know you; the way I need to know everything about you that I haven't learned already; the way you completely accept me for who I am; the way you always catch me by surprise; the way you share my interests and are willing to indulge me with those interests you don't necessarily share; the way I feel when I'm talking to you, like we could go on forever and never run out of things to say; the way I can't stop thinking about you; the way I ache to hear your voice when we're apart; the way I see your face whenever I close my eyes; and the way time stands still when you're not with me and races when we're together.

"I can't stop it, I can't resist it. And I know I probably shouldn't do this; shouldn't tell you; shouldn't risk everything we have right now. But if I didn't tell you then I would forever wonder 'what if?' And I think that uncertainty would be worse, worse even than knowing that you don't and could never feel the same way. But Bella, Darlin', sometimes I get these glimpses of feelings from you that actually give me hope. So even though I will accept anything you tell me tonight, I hope against hope that there is a chance that you've felt some of this connection too; that you might, at least in some small part, feel the same way?"

He stopped and looked at me expectantly, waiting for a response. I continued staring at him, not fully comprehending. I had been prepared for the worst – for the end of our friendship, the end of my time with him. I had never considered this possibility. I wasn't sure that I had heard him correctly, that his speech wasn't just some cruel figment of my imagination. Even as I listened to him I was too afraid to believe.

I knew I should say something. He had put everything out on the table and it wasn't fair to stall. But suddenly it was all too much – the stress of the situation finally chipped away at the last vestiges of my control and the entire gamut of emotions flowed into me like a Tsunami, overwhelming me completely. The anticipation, pain, fear and disbelief mixed with joy, relief, confusion and uncertainty. I was caught up in the torrent, unable to find a firm grasp or footing. I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say.

I pushed myself up, first into a sitting position, then to my feet. Jasper stood up with me, looking concerned and uncertain, but said nothing and made no move to touch me. I walked to the kitchen. At the sink I turned on the cold water. Not knowing where the glasses were and not wanting to bother to find out, I cupped my hand and scooped up handful of water, bringing it to my mouth. I felt Jasper ghosting around the kitchen, opening and closing cabinets, and then saw his hand offering me a glass. I accepted gratefully, filled the glass and drank without stopping.

Drinking the water gave me some precious time to think. I wasn't dreaming or imagining things. He really had just told me that he felt about me the same way I felt about him. And now I just needed to confirm, out loud, that I felt the same way. This should be a piece of cake. Much easier than what he had done. I set down the glass and leaned on the counter using both hands for support. I took one last big breath.

"Maybe it's better if you don't say it," Jasper interjected before I could get out a word. "I can see how difficult this is for you, and you don't need to go through any more pain on my account. I already have my answer."

I sighed. In a way it was a relief to know that he wasn't omniscient, that despite his ability to know what I felt he misread and misinterpreted my actions and emotions as easily as I did his. It put us on a somewhat more equal footing. But right now, knowing how much pain my false presumptions had caused me, I wished he had more of an insight, so that he didn't have to suffer needlessly too.

I turned around to look at him, but he had already turned away from me. I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek into his back. I felt him stiffen, but I didn't back away.

"Jasper," I said softly. It might have been too soft for another human, but I knew he could hear me perfectly. "You weren't wrong about those feelings you sensed from me. I feel the connection too and can't stop thinking about you when we're not together. I've never shared so much of myself with anyone, never met anyone who was so accepting of me without any judgment and who gave so much of himself without reservations. And I've never felt so safe with anyone, not just physically, but emotionally too. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without you after you leave."

He stopped breathing. For an agonizing moment everything was perfectly still. Then he loosened my hold on his waist and turned around, reaching to clasp my hands in his. He brought them up and placed a kiss across the knuckles of each hand.

"Bella, if you feel the same way I do, even a fraction of the same way I do, if there is any chance of us being together, then I'm not leaving until we know for sure where this leads. I could not bear to walk away if there is even a scintilla of possibility that you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you."

I stared at him with eyes open wide. This was my dream come true, wasn't it? Hadn't I been hoping that he would feel this way about me, that he would return my feelings for him and choose to stay with me? Shouldn't this declaration make me deliriously happy? I didn't understand why his words, the words I thought I so longed to hear, caused pain instead of happiness.

And then I realized what was wrong. All those times I had allowed selfish Bella to fantasize about Jasper saying these exact same things, of Jasper actually wanting to be with me, a part of me clung to the certainty that no matter what I did, Jasper would not reciprocate. I counted on Jasper's love for Alice to stand in the way of any interaction between us beyond mere friendship. I berated myself for tempting him, yet had full faith that he would not waiver, he would not give in. I relied on Jasper's strength to stop me from betraying my friend. I could have inappropriate thoughts and feelings, but knew Jasper would make sure I never took any inappropriate actions. Wasn't this the reason why Alice hadn't called or intervened in our relationship already? In the back of my mind I had always reached that conclusion.

Now everything was different. Now being with Jasper wasn't some impossible, unreachable fantasy. Now I knew that he not only felt the same way I did, but that he was willing to discard his relationship with Alice, to commit the ultimate act of betrayal, just to stay with me and find out if we had a future together.

As soon as I thought about betraying Alice, another question muscled its way to the forefront of my mind. Had he considered this himself and could I assume he reached the same conclusions I just did? Clearly I wasn't very good at reading him, and this was a topic too dangerous for assumptions. We needed to talk about this. I needed to know exactly how he felt. I took a deep breath, once again steeling myself for the worst, and asked the question I never thought would cross my lips.

"Jasper, what about Alice?"

His grip on my hands tightened slightly and he took a deep breath. When he spoke his voice was pained, but also steady and resolute.

"I know that this will cause her a great deal of anguish, and I hate myself for what I'm going to do, but once I started to have feelings for you I knew it was just a matter of time before I had to do the inevitable. There is only one option. I have to leave Alice."

I gasped in shock. His pronouncement sounded so awful, so final. I recalled the pain of Edward leaving me, and I imagined Alice's pain, so many times worse for losing her soul mate, a man with whom she spent so many years, whom she loved with all her being. Alice was my friend. I could not allow this. I could not cause her suffering for the sake of my own happiness. The price was simply too high.

I withdrew my hands and placed them over my face. Despite Jasper's seemingly calm demeanor, I knew he must be feeling turmoil inside. If I got him to talk about Alice and their relationship, if I got him to remember how much he loved her, maybe I could change his mind.

"Bella, this isn't about you, not really," Jasper said quietly. "Even if you didn't return my feelings I can no longer go back to Alice, go back to the way things were. You opened my eyes, Darlin', introduced me to a side of me I never knew existed. I feel like I've been sleepwalking all my life and now I'm finally awake, and the things that satisfied me before are no longer enough. I would rather be completely alone than to stay with Alice and the rest of the family and still feel alone among them."

I looked up at him again.

"But you won't be alone, Jasper. If you were able to find another side of you through me, why can't Alice find another side of herself as well? You need to give her a chance to do that. At the very least you owe her that chance."

He obviously heard what I said, but his resolved expression did not waiver. Neither did my determination.

"Can we sit and talk about this?" I asked. He didn't respond, but he did follow me and sat beside me on the sofa.

"Tell me about her, Jasper. Tell me about you and Alice."

He shook his head.

"I know what you're trying to do, Bella. It's not going to work."

"Humor me. If it truly doesn't matter, then what's the harm in telling me?"

He sighed, then began speaking, calmly and quietly.

"From the moment I first laid eyes on her, Alice was a force of nature. I walked into that diner in Philadelphia, saw her, and didn't know what to think. At first I was expecting an attack, but I wasn't worried. She was so tiny, hardly a threat. I had no idea that her real power had nothing to do with her size. Then she accused me of being late in such a way that I had to apologize for something I didn't even know I had done, and that set the tone for the rest of our relationship."

I winced at his last remark. His voice had been bitter when he said it. I'd never heard him speak in that tone of voice about Alice before. Something in him really had changed.

"I love Alice," he continued, the bitterness gone. "She saved me from a miserable existence, a life not worth living. She showed me a different way. She gave me a . . . family. It was more than someone like me could ever deserve. I owe her more than I can ever repay."

I gulped.

"Then how can you even consider leaving her?"

"I have to leave because I've never felt about Alice the way I feel about you. She and I have nothing in common. We never talk, not really. We never do anything together that she doesn't initiate. Throughout our decades together Alice has always known what would happen in advance and I simply followed her instructions. I could never surprise her, never choose, I could never even do the wrong thing, make a mistake. I was the ultimate puppet."

My heart broke for him as I listened. I reached out and took his hand. Even as I wanted to deny his version of life with Alice, I knew he was telling the truth. I had been on the receiving end of Alice's plans and I knew firsthand what it felt like to be swept up into her grand schemes. There was no refusal, no free will. I loved Alice and I knew she always meant well, but when I tried to imagine a lifetime of shopping, and make-overs, and parties, I had to admit that I would not have been able to handle it. I considered Jasper carefully, finally understanding some of what he was trying to say, and wondering how he had been able to stand it for as long as he had.

"I didn't mind before, because life with Alice was so much better than my life before I met her." He answered my unspoken question. "And before you came along I just didn't know another way of life existed. Everyone in the family bends to Alice's will. Of course, unlike me, they aren't her constant focus of attention. But still, just as before I met Alice I thought I needed human blood to survive, afterwards I was convinced I could not live without her constant supervision and intervention."

I squeezed his hand and moved closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. Instinctively I knew how difficult this was for him to talk about and I wanted to give him a small measure of comfort. I felt him rub his cheek slowly against the top of my head, then inhale deeply.

"Then you came along and showed me how much more there can be, and I can't go back. I can't be the puppet again, Bella. And it wouldn't be fair to Alice for me to be with her when my feelings for her have changed, when I feel so much more for you."

I gnawed on my lower lip, realizing that this was not a spur of the moment decision for him. He had given this a lot of thought. And I had to admit that after hearing his explanation I understood his reasons. I loved Alice and did not want to cause her any pain, but I loved Jasper too and going back to Alice and the way things had been would undoubtedly cause him pain. Could Alice change to keep him with her? Would she even want to once he told her of his feelings for me? And if she really loved him, why hadn't she seen this and asked him to come back to her. Why wasn't she fighting harder to keep him? Or maybe she had been and he just hadn't told me? I had to find out.

"Have you spoken with her about any of this?"

"No," Jasper's tone was clipped. "I haven't spoken with her since last Tuesday."

"Do you think she's seen . . ?"

He contemplated my question. "I'm not sure. She would have seen us in Seattle together, of course, but as for the rest, I only made the decision this evening to confess my feelings for you and to leave her regardless of your response, so she wouldn't have had a lot of notice. Still, by now I imagine she will have seen it all."

_So she'll be expecting it. She'll have time to prepare. She'll have time to draft a battle plan or a goodbye speech. She'll have time to hate me for ruining her life. She'll have time to plot her revenge._

I dropped Jasper's hand and moved away from him, running my fingers through my hair. I had to take responsibility for my role in this situation. Had I not gone back to the Cullen house, had I not started to see Jasper far more often than any good friend of his absent girlfriend should, things may have turned out differently. But if I had to do things over again, would I do anything different? The honest answer was 'no.'

Still, I owed it to Alice to stay away from Jasper until the two of them sorted out their relationship. And if, in the end, they repaired the damage and chose to stay together, then I would be happy for them even through my own loss.

I turned to face Jasper, looking deeply into his eyes.

"You have to go to her and tell her in person. You know that, right? You have to tell her everything and give her a chance to respond, to change. Because I can't be that girl. That girl who fools around with her best friend's man behind her back and who only cares about herself. I can't even consider being with you until you settle things with Alice, one way or another. And in the end, Jasper, know that I want you to be happy, regardless of where or with whom.

"So you have to go to Alaska, as soon as possible. You need to be honest with her. And then, if your decision is still the same, you'll come back and we'll figure things out as they come along."

"My decision will be the same, and I will come back to you. But I know you're right. I owe it to Alice to explain it all to her in person. I'll leave tomorrow after you go to Mike's," he grimaced slightly as he said Mike's name, which suddenly made a lot more sense, "and I'll be back as soon as possible, probably Monday."

I shook my head vehemently.

"Don't rush this, Jasper. You and Alice have been together too long for you not to take as much time as you both need to come to the right decision. Please don't do to her what Edward did to me," I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth at the thought of the way Edward had left me. Even after only a few months together I thought I deserved better. Jasper and Alice had been together for decades. He needed to respect that and stay with her as long as was necessary, give her a chance to change his mind if that was what she wanted.

"And please keep an open mind," I added. "You haven't seen Alice in a long time and you've been spending much too much time with me. It's possible that some time and distance away from me will provide a different perspective, and that seeing Alice again will help you re-discover why you fell in love with her in the first place."

Jasper shook his head.

"I will keep an open mind, Darlin', I promise, but I know for sure distance will do nothing to change or diminish my feelings for you. I already tried that when I left for my hunt, so I know first hand that being away from you only makes me want to be with you more. And as for falling in love with Alice, when I met her she told me we would be together forever and I believed her. I fell into a relationship, but I don't think I ever fell in love. All I can promise is that when I speak with Alice I will resolve everything. There will be no loose ends for you to worry about when. . . "

I looked at him disapprovingly.

"If," he amended, "If I come back."

I had a feeling he had only been appeasing me with the last statement, but it was the most I could ask. This was as much as I could give Alice – she would have to do the rest of the work herself.

We sat silently for a while as I contemplated the cold, hard truth of the distinct possibility that tomorrow afternoon would be the last time I would ever see him. I dug my nails into my palm so that the physical pain would distract me from the emotional pain threatening to take over again. Jasper reached for my hand and uncurled my fingers to intertwine them with his.

"Bella, will you promise to do something for me while I'm gone?"

I nodded slowly.

"Will you make sure that Newton keeps his paws off of you as you work on this project? I won't be around to scare him off, and I'd hate to have to kill him when I return."

I couldn't quite tell if Jasper was serious or if he was joking. I decided it would be better to treat his comment as a joke.

"Not to worry, Jasper. If necessary, I can growl as well as you. And Mike knows better than to try anything at this point, really. You heard our conversation Wednesday night. He thinks I'm still pining for Edward."

"Are you?" his quiet question caught me off guard.

"What?"

"Are you still pining for Edward?"

I opened my mouth to speak, then closed it again. I stared ahead with unseeing eyes, completely lost in thought. I wanted to answer in the negative, because I wasn't pining, exactly. But I couldn't deny that a part of me still loved him, still missed him, still felt the pain and betrayal over his abandonment.

"No," I said finally, "I'm not pining for him."

"But you still love him?" Jasper pressed.

"I suppose," I answered honestly, "that a part of me will always love him."

"And if he came back tomorrow and told you he still loved you and begged for your forgiveness?"

I look at our intertwined hands. Why was he doing this to me? Didn't he realize how painful this subject was for me? Edward was the last person I wanted to talk about right now. Still, after I made him talk about Alice, and I supposed I owed him an honest answer, whatever that was.

My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I had not allowed myself to think about the possibility of Edward's return before. A part of me hated him, not so much for leaving me as for the way he had done it. But that other part, the part that still loved him and missed him, Could that part of me forgive him if he came back and he were truly sorry? Could I envision myself back in the role of Edward's girlfriend? It felt like too many things happened and the girl who could lose herself in Edward hero worship no longer existed.

"I think I could forgive him, but things would never be the same. I don't think I could ever be with him again. I look at my relationship with Edward differently now than I did when I was in it.

"When I first realized that Edward actually wanted to spend time with me I felt so lucky, so privileged, so special. I literally went to talk to him the first time when he wagged his finger over at me in the cafeteria and that never seemed to change. He was like my own personal superhero, saving me again, and again, from myself and others. And with that hero worship came blinders – when I was with him I lost myself in him. I didn't do things with others, I didn't have my own interests – everything was about being with him and doing what he liked to do.

"Now that I think about that time, I was always afraid of losing him, always convinced I didn't deserve him, always thinking I wasn't good enough. I was afraid to really be myself around him. I don't think that's healthy. And, in the end, those thoughts allowed him to hurt me as badly as he did when he left.

"If he came back now, how could he possibly justify what he did? Not just leaving me the way he did, but forcing all of you to leave with him, forcing all of you not to speak with me, even to say goodbye. What possible reason could he give to justify doing that? I could forgive him for it, but I could never be with a person who willingly caused me so much pain. I could never trust him again."

"What if he told you that he left and made all of us leave to protect you from the dangers of the vampire world? That he left because he loved you so much he wanted to give you a normal life where you wouldn't have to face dangers like me?"

I looked at him carefully. His expression was pained. Was this the reason Edward gave his family for leaving? And they actually went along with it? How could they? How could they lay all that blame at Jasper's feet? Sheer fury boiled my blood.

"That's the most ridiculous, selfish, hurtful, manipulative thing I've ever heard!" I spat out. I got up and began pacing, stalking the room like a caged wild cat. "I never wanted to be protected for the vampire world – I wanted to be a part of the vampire world. He wouldn't grant me that wish and then he denied me even the scraps of just letting me hang out on the periphery because ostensibly it was too dangerous for me? That wasn't his choice to make! I don't need a boyfriend who treats me like a child and makes all decisions for my own good without consulting me. Even Charlie and Renee don't do that, and I actually am their child. I guess if he had the guts to actually give me that excuse I would tell him that I already had a father and wasn't looking for another one."

I saw Jasper watching me with awe. I realized this was the first time he had ever seen me this angry. Even when he and I had the argument in my truck, I was far more controlled. I was instantly sorry that I had let myself get so worked up.

"I'm really sorry you had to see that, Jasper. It's just that I can't believe he would have used such a stupid reason to destroy everything we had, to destroy me."

He stood up and walked over to me, pulling me into his arms and pressing me close to his chest. He kissed the top of my head. "Don't ever apologize about being passionate, Bella. You're gorgeous when you're angry." He chuckled and added, "I just hope I never do anything to have that anger directed at me.

"I'm sorry for betraying his confidence, Bella. I should not have done it, I should not have told you why he left. But for my selfish reasons I needed to know what your reaction would be. Because he may come back some day, Darlin'. And we both need to prepare to face him if he does."

He pulled back and tipped my chin up to look into my eyes.

"I'm not proud of what I've allowed to happen with you. I knew as soon as you came back that Thursday and I felt your faith in me when I told you about my training, and then when you came to me for advice the next day, and every time we spoke or saw each other thereafter, that I was in the wrong. Wrong to continue seeing you when you were the love of my brother's life and I was still with Alice. Wrong to pretend I could just limit my feelings to friendship.

"My betrayal will hurt the people I love most. Not just Edward and Alice, but every other member of the family as well. I am a horrible person for placing my own needs and happiness above all of theirs. But none of that is enough for me to stop and do the noble thing and let you go. The way I feel about you, the way I feel when I'm with you, is strong enough to overcome the feeling of self-loathing over what I'm doing to them. You need to know that, Bella. You need to know exactly how selfish I am. Because if Edward came back for you and you were with me, I would not stand aside. I would not let you go without a fight. I would use any means necessary to keep you with me. So I need to be sure that if he did come back, you would not want to go back to him, because I would hate to hurt you in the process of fighting to keep you with me."

"You would never willingly do anything to hurt me," I said confidently. "But the situation you described is not something you need to worry about. Thank you for bringing this up and making me talk about it. For the first time you've made me realize that I really am over him. I will never forget that first love and he'll always have a small piece of me. He deserves that, I suppose. But he will never have my heart again. If you still want me after you speak with Alice, I'm yours."

We stared at each other. He moved his hands up and held my face between them, using his thumbs to stroke over my cheeks to the corners of my lips. This was a perfect moment for our first kiss, but with Alice between us it could not be so, and we both knew it. Instead, we just stood there, lost in each other's eyes. I had chosen my path. For Jasper the road diverged now, and he had to make a choice as well. I knew waiting for his decision would be excruciating, but I was at peace knowing I would be okay no matter which path he chose, as long as it led to his happiness.

Suddenly I felt like celebrating. My lips broke out in a bright smile.

"What is it, Darlin'?" he asked, smiling back.

"I think I'm ready to try those desserts."

**See, I was so nice. They're finally communicating. No more misinterpretations. Still no kiss, but now there's a different reason why and a path towards resolution. And I didn't even leave you with a cliffhanger (Bella will like the desserts!). **

**And the next chapter, Bella's busy Sunday, will be posted towards the end of the week.**

**So please be equally nice to me and let me know what you thought by leaving a review! Thanks!**


	30. Chapter 30: Of Mice and Men

**Thanks again so much for all the reviews and my apologies for not being able to respond to all of them. Time has been so short lately and writing takes precedence. I do appreciate every single review, though. Truly! **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 30: Of Mice and Men

I didn't remember much of the rest of Saturday. The desserts, as delicious as the rest of the food, put me into a sugar coma and I must have fallen asleep cuddled against Jasper on the sofa, as we avoided the loaded subjects of our previous discussion and focused on safer topics, like favorite music. I woke to Jasper's hand gently caressing my face. I was in the passenger seat of my truck and highly disoriented.

"It's time to wake up, Darlin," Jasper said. "You have to get home by curfew."

It took me a while to focus my eyes and look around. Finally the street started to look familiar. We were parked a couple of blocks away from my house. As soon as it became obvious that I was aware of my surroundings, Jasper got out of the truck and opened the passenger door for me, then helped me get out and walked me to the driver's side.

"Are you okay to drive to your house?" he asked.

The fresh air helped to revive me even more. I judged the short distance from where the truck stood to my driveway and nodded.

"All right, Darlin'," he said as he helped me get behind the wheel. "I'll watch from here. I think Charlie might be waiting. Call me after you get ready for bed. I know you're exhausted and we don't have to talk, but I really don't want to miss this night with you."

I nodded again, rubbing sleep out of my eyes. Jasper closed the door. I started the truck, smiled, and drove away. At home I said a few words to Charlie, got ready for bed as quickly as I could, given my semi-conscious-at-best state, set the alarm for the next morning and called Jasper. True to his word, he didn't try to talk to me. Instead, he wished me good night and told me how happy he was to finally be able to sing me this song:

_I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away and dreaming . . ._

I fell asleep before I could hear any more of the lyrics.

*******************************

I woke up to the sound of my alarm. I groaned and moved to turn off the annoying buzzing.

"Good Morning," I said, surprised that Jasper hadn't greeted me already.

"Hello, Bella. Did you sleep well?" he sounded concerned and distracted, qualities that I hadn't heard in his voice before.

"Is everything all right?" I asked, slightly anxious.

"Everything's fine. When are you leaving for LaPush?"

"Half an hour. I just need to shower, get dressed and get all the food together."

"Good. You're going directly there, right? No stops?"

"Right," I was starting to get suspicious. "Jasper, what's going on?"

"I'll tell you about it when I see you later, I promise. Right now I don't want to make you late. You'd better go and get ready, all right?"

"Okay," I said, hesitantly. "You will explain later, right?"

"Of course, Darlin'. Just trust me for now. I'll see you soon."

"See you soon," I said. For the first time I saw that Jasper dropped off the call before I had a chance to do so.

I had no idea what was going on and it was making me nervous. Why was Jasper acting so strangely? Absolutely nothing came to mind. Figuring that further speculation would be useless and a waste of time, I decided to concentrate on getting ready. Jasper had, after all, promised to fill me in later, and it was only a few hours before I saw him again.

I got ready quickly and efficiently, then headed down to the kitchen. Charlie was up already, drinking coffee and reading the paper.

"Ready to go, Bells?"

"Almost, dad. I just have to pack up the food."

I pulled out a couple of empty plastic bags and gathered the food I would need for the brunch. I didn't know how well equipped the Blacks' kitchen was, so I also packed some utensils and a couple of cast iron skillets. When everything was gathered up, Charlie helped me carry the bags to my truck.

"All right, Bells. Let's head out. I'll follow you."

At LaPush Jake was waiting for us outside. He ambled casually to my truck as I parked.

"Need any help, Bella?" he asked, his face covered with the familiar, welcoming smile.

"Yeah, sure, that would be great," I said. "Why don't you take the skillets? They're the heaviest."

Jake walked over to the passenger side, opened the door and took out the skillets easily with one hand. "I can handle more than these," he said.

"Great, grab a bag, then, too."

He took all the bags, slammed the passenger door shut with his foot and proceeded to walk back to the house. Charlie, who had pulled up and parked behind me, joined me and we followed Jake inside.

"Morning chief, Bella," Billy was in the living room, watching TV.

"Good morning," Charlie and I responded simultaneously. I laughed.

"Well," I said, "I'd better get cooking."

"Jake's in the kitchen," Billy said. "I told him to make himself useful."

I laughed again. My guess was that Jake would just get under my feet, but it would be nice to have company while I prepared the frittatas. I left Charlie and Billy in the living room and headed for the kitchen, finding Jake sprawled out on one of the chairs, which looked entirely too small for his huge frame.

"So what gives?" Jake asked. "How come you're over here on a Sunday playing Suzie Homemaker? Feeling guilty about ditching me yesterday for your other friends?"

"Ditching you?" I was confused. "We hadn't made any plans for yesterday."

"I know," he said, "but I kind of got used to spending Saturdays with you. What were you doing, anyway?"

I panicked. I knew if I lied Jake would see right through me. But I also couldn't tell him the truth, especially with Charlie in the next room and within earshot.

"Um. I went to Olympia with my friends Angela and Ben." I felt the blush spread all over my cheeks. Jake noticed it immediately and his mouth turned up in a wicked grin. He got up and walked over to stand right beside me, leaning to place his lips right against my ear.

"So that's the official story," he whispered. "Now tell me what you were really up to."

"Later," I whispered back. "Please," I added, hoping he would take mercy on me.

Jake snorted. "Since you ask so nicely," he whispered and moved back. "Cool," his voice was back to its usual volume, "I bet it was more fun than hanging here with me."

"Not more fun," I said. _Liar! _"Just different. What did you do yesterday?"

I started preparing the frittatas as Jake launched into a description of his Saturday activities. From the sound of it, he was plenty busy without me around. I gritted my teeth. Jake was a good friend, but I wished he didn't enjoy teasing me quite as much as he did. He almost gave me a heart attack with that Olympia question.

I made pretty quick work of the frittatas and soon I was sliding both skillets under the broiler. While I cooked I had Jake set the table and pour out the orange juice and coffee. Billy and Charlie joined us in the kitchen. Once I served the food, talk turned to sports. I didn't exactly participate in the conversation, but I was grateful I didn't have to make up any lies about my life.

"This is great, Bella," Billy said at one point, "thanks for cooking this morning and for coming out – I haven't seen you in a while."

"Yeah," I said lamely, "it's senior year and I've been pretty busy." I threw Jake a desperate glance. This conversation was rapidly heading south.

"So what is this thing we're eating" Jake asked. _Thanks, buddy!_ I shot him a grateful look.

"Sausage, potato and cheese frittata."

"A free whata?"

"Frittata. It's an Italian omelet."

"Huh," he said, looking at the food on his fork carefully. "It's really good. But what's wrong with American omelets?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to do something a little different."

Just then the room got darker as a large figure shadowed the glass in the back door. We all turned to see the visitor.

"Jake, it's Sam. Get the door," Billy said.

Jake scowled, but got up and opened the door. The man who came in was even taller and broader than Jake, something I didn't even know was possible. When he walked into the already crowded kitchen, a dark, hard look in his eyes, it seemed like he drained all of the oxygen out of the atmosphere. I started to feel very uncomfortable.

"We need to talk," he said to Billy without exchanging pleasantries with the rest of us.

Billy nodded and pushed himself away from the table. He wheeled himself into the living room. Sam followed.

"He's definitely back," I heard Sam say, "And there's a new one, too." He was too far out of earshot for us to hear the rest.

I looked at Jake, puzzled. He shook his head. His eyes shifted to Charlie subtly, indicating that this wasn't the time to talk. The three of us continued to eat in silence, the atmosphere in the room suddenly very tense even thought the source of the tension was gone. I was only too glad to start cleaning up when we all finished eating.

Sam was gone in just a few minutes, leaving via the front door. Billy wheeled back into the kitchen and turned back to his food.

"What was that all about?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing important. Just some tribal business." Billy replied easily. He and Charlie continued to talk as Jake helped me by drying the dishes. When we were done he grabbed my hand and started pulling me out the back door.

"Come on, Bella, I have to show you the progress I'm making on my car."

I followed without protest. We made it to the shed and sat down.

"You spent the whole day with him yesterday, didn't you?" he asked, his voice hard.

I sighed. I couldn't lie to Jake.

"I did, but you don't have to sound so disapproving."

He snorted. "Don't you think it's just a little odd that less than a month after one Cullen dumps you and the whole family splits you start spending all your time with one of his brothers who just happens to be skulking around without letting anyone know he's back in town?"

It was hard to argue with him when he put it like that.

"Sam thought he had left earlier this week, but I'm sure he was talking about him returning back there," he tilted his head towards the house. "That's how I finally figured out what you were doing yesterday. How did you come up with that Olympia alibi, anyway?"

"Ben and Angela really did go to Olympia yesterday. I just didn't go with them. They agreed to cover for me."

"Huh. And what did they think you were doing? Do they know about the other Cullen?"

"Hale," I corrected him automatically. "No, they don't know. Angela let me get away without giving her details on what I was doing."

Jake whistled. "Nice friend. You could have been meeting some pervert you met on the Internet or some psycho killer and no one would have been the wiser."

"Angela knows I wouldn't do anything like that," I said. "She trusts my judgment." I looked at him pointedly.

"I'll trust your judgment when you start showing that you actually make some good decisions," Jake shot back. "I mean, you know I love you like a sister, right? And I'd never let either of my sisters get away with this crap. I just don't get it. It's like any Cullen will do for you."

That remark really hurt. I knew nothing could have been further from the truth, but I also knew if Jasper and I decided to be together some day, everyone in Forks would think exactly what Jake was thinking right now. I frowned. I didn't like the talk that would go on behind my back, but it would be worth it to be with Jasper.

"You don't understand," I muttered.

"Explain it, then. Make me understand."

I took a deep breath. Was it safe to talk to Jake about this? Why not? I've told him about everything else.

"Jasper is nothing like Edward," I told him. "He's really easy to talk to, we have a lot in common and he's kind of like you – I can tell him anything, be totally myself around him."

An angry grimace covered Jake's face. "You couldn't be yourself around Edward?" he asked.

I shook my head. "With Edward I was always afraid to do anything that would make me seem immature. He hated how immature all of the other girls at school were, and I didn't want to do anything that might make him think I was like them."

Jake cursed and I saw his hands curl into fists. "Wish I could get my hands on that jerk," he muttered under his breath.

"Anyway," I said quickly. "Jasper's nothing like that. He's completely non-judgmental. We have fun together."

Jake looked thoughtful for a moment. It looked like he might relent a little, but then another shadow crossed his face.

"So you like hanging out with him. I get that. But didn't you say he already had a girlfriend? And weren't you friends with her? I mean, do you really want to hook up with a cheater?"

"Jasper's not cheating," I said vehemently. "Nothing's happened between us outside of friendship and he is going to talk with Alice and tell her everything before anything can happen. They may even end up together, in which case I'll step away," my voice nearly broke as I said this, reality giving me a swift punch in the gut.

Sensing my pain, Jake threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him.

"God, Bella, how do you get yourself into these things? Can't you find a nice unattached guy who isn't a total freak? What about Mike? I know he may be sort of ordinary, but he didn't seem like such a bad guy. And he really likes you."

I sighed. I wished it was that easy. I wished I could just turn my feelings on and off and direct them at whoever I wanted. It sure would make my life less complicated.

"Mike's a good friend and if Jasper hadn't come back maybe that would have worked, but not right now. Not while there' a chance . . ."

It was Jake's turn to sigh, though his sigh was one of frustration.

"You're as stubborn as a mule, you know that?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "I know."

We heard the back door to the house open and Charlie bellowed "Jake, the game will start soon, we're heading over to the Clearwaters'."

"Be right there," Jake yelled back. "Come on," he said to me, "you'd better get back. You're seeing Mike today, right? Having dinner with him?" he gave me a sly smile.

I rolled my eyes. I guess Charlie's been talking again. But maybe this one time it wasn't such a bad thing, if it got Jake to back off a little. And I didn't have to tell him I was going to see Jasper too.

"It's just a school project," I said.

"Sure, sure, but you don't want to be late," he said as he winked at me.

I rolled my eyes. What was it about him and Charlie that kept pushing me towards Mike?

"I thought you were on my side on the whole Mike thing," I complained.

"Lesser of two evils, Bella. Lesser of two evils. But you know I'll always be there to run interference too if you need it."

Jake helped me load my cooking implements into the truck and ran off to join everyone at Harry and Sue's, waiving as he departed. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him. Jake gave me a lot of grief sometimes, but I knew when push came to shove he would always be in my corner.

Driving out of LaPush to Jasper's house I was both excited and nervous. The excitement was something I'd come to expect any time I thought about seeing Jasper. The nervousness was due to my knowledge that he would soon be leaving for Alaska to discuss things with Alice. Plus Jasper's attitude this morning wasn't helping. I had forgotten about it while I was at Jake's, but now I found myself wondering what could possibly have had Jasper so concerned.

I was so focused on my thoughts I almost missed the tall figure standing by the side of the road near the sign indicating the boundary of the Quileute reservation. The figure looked familiar, and as I pulled closer I realized that it was Jasper. My stomach tightened up. I couldn't understand why he would be waiting for me here instead of at his house. What if someone had seen him? I pulled over at the side of the road and waited for him to get in on the passenger side.

"Jasper, what's wrong? Why are you here? What if someone sees us together?" My anxiety caused the words to come out rushed and clipped.

"I'll explain everything later. For now let's just drive to my house." His voice was calm, which helped me settle down a little. I threw the truck into gear and got back on the road.

"Hey, Darlin', it's good to see you," Jasper said as he reached for my hand. "You look beautiful."

I blushed. I liked hearing the compliment.

"Thanks. You look pretty great yourself." I snuck a peek at him from the corner of my eye. Great didn't even begin to describe it. His hair was a bit more tousled than normal , giving him a rakish look. He wore light gray Dockers and a pale, moss-green button down shirt with a banded collar. The long sleeves were rolled up to a ¾ length, exposing some of his arms. Now that I knew what to look for, I could discern some of the barely visible scars, which only made him more attractive to me. I shivered slightly and focused my eyes back on the road.

"How was brunch?" he asked, somewhat reluctantly.

"Fine. Jake and I got into an argument about you." _What the heck did I just say that for? Did I accidentally put truth serum in to the Frittata?_

"Oh?" Jasper raised one eyebrow. "Why would you be talking about me with Jake?"

"He figured out that I spent the day with you yesterday and he. . . . he didn't approve."

"I wasn't aware we needed his approval," Jasper's tone was decidedly unfriendly.

"He sort of sees me as a sister, so he's very protective."

"A sister, huh?" Jasper snorted in disbelief.

"Yes, a sister. He doesn't like the fact that you're Edward's brother and that you're not . . . single."

Jasper considered this and some of the resentment lifted off his face. "I suppose he's right about that, so I guess I could see why he would be concerned."

"It's none of his business," I muttered, slightly resentful. I couldn't believe Jasper was actually taking Jake's side.

"If I had to choose someone worthy of you, Bella, I wouldn't exactly pick me either. You deserve so much more."

"Stop it. Stop treating me like I'm not smart enough to know what I want or what's good for me." I was getting mad. This was exactly the problem in my relationship with Edward.

"No, Bella. That's not what I'm doing. If I had to choose someone for you I might select someone different, but I'm smart enough to recognize that I have no say in your choice, and I'm damn glad. Because as I told you last night, I'm extremely selfish, and I'm absolutely thrilled your definition of who's good enough for you is different from mine."

My anger was gone instantly and I smiled. We were at the Cullens' driveway now, and I pulled off the road to complete the last 3 miles of the drive.

"Good," I said, "because as Jacob recognized earlier today, I'm as stubborn as they get and none of you will be able to change my mind. I made my choice and I'm absolutely convinced I chose the perfect man for me."

I parked in front of the house and the realization that I was about to find out why Jasper met me out on the road instead of here made me nervous all over again. Jasper was out of the truck and opening my door before I could reach for the handle. He helped me out of the truck and pulled me into a tight embrace. The hug felt a little too urgent and desperate to calm my already frayed nerves.

Jasper released me without a word and we walked to the house. He locked the door after we walked in, something I didn't think I had seen him do before. We settled in on the living room sofa.

"All right. No more stalling. I need to know what's happening," I demanded.

Jasper grabbed both of my hands in his.

"I know I said I would leave for Alaska this afternoon, but there's been a slight change of plans."

My brow furrowed.

"What's going on?"

"Last night, after I dropped you off, I came home and changed, then went out hunting. It's what I usually do while you're sleeping. While I was out I crossed a familiar scent. It's Laurent, Bella. He's here."

My heart stopped for a second before resuming its beat. I was certain my face was turning thirty shades of white. I probably looked as pale as Jasper. He squeezed my hands reassuringly.

"As soon as I knew he was here I came over to your house and I've been watching you ever since. The only time you've been out of my sight is when you were at LaPush, and there, well, I knew you would be safe there. I can't leave you alone to find him, but we know from Alice that he will come looking for you, and I'll be waiting for him when he does."

"How long?"

"I don't know, Darlin'. We'll just have to wait and see. But I assure you, you will be perfectly safe. I would never let anything happen to you. We just have to put a few simple rules in place. All right?"

I nodded.

"And you'll have to swear that you'll do as I ask, okay? It can't be like Phoenix. You'll have to trust me. Understand?"

"Yes," my voice sounded weak even to me.

"Bella, I know what I'm doing, remember? This is not a problem, just an inconvenience. Everything will be all right. Do you still trust me?"

"Yes," my voice was a degree stronger. As terrified as I was, I trusted him absolutely.

"Okay. From now on you'll only go to the usual places. School, work, home. That's it. It will reduce the area I have to cover and help me find his scent if he crosses it. Makes sense?"

I nodded again.

"I won't be able to see you again until I get him, so I want you to carry the phone with you at all times. Use it to tell me exactly where you're going or any other time you need to talk to me and I'll do the same. Agreed?"

I shook my head. "What? Why? Why won't you be able to see me?"

He sighed. "I don't like it any more than you do, Darlin', but I won't be able to really hunt while I'm guarding you and it would just be too dangerous for me to be too close to you. I think I have enough control, but I'm not willing to take that chance. But we'll keep in touch. We'll talk. You might even be able to see me sometimes while we do. I just won't be able to get too close. You understand, right?"

"I guess so. But you'll be so thirsty. What about other humans?"

"I'm sure some smaller animals will cross my path to help, and other humans are not nearly as compelling as you. I'll be fine." He paused, and I nodded to indicate my understanding.

"So call me, please, as often as possible, 'cause I'll really be missing you. Okay?" he moved his right hand up to my cheek. I leaned into it like a cat, rubbing my face against his hand. I had been prepared to miss him when he left the state, but having him here, so close, and not being able to be with him, was going to be unbearable.

"I hate, this, Jasper," I whispered.

"I know, Bella. Believe me, I know. I hate it too. But it's only temporary."

"What if it's not? How long can you do this without really hunting? What if you get really thirsty and he still hasn't shown?"

"I've thought about that. I'll give it a week. After that, I'll call Emmett. With the two of us here it should be easy work. He can guard you and I'll hunt Laurent down."

I shivered. The tone of his voice left little to the imagination. I knew exactly what he was going to do to Laurent once he found him.

"Do you have to kill him, Jasper? I mean, if he doesn't do anything bad. If he doesn't try to attack me or other humans. Maybe you could just give him a warning and scare him away?"

Jasper dropped his hand form my cheek and looked away for a moment, then turned back to me.

"I'll have to judge the situation when it gets here. I can't promise anything Darlin'. If I feel he's a danger to you, a warning will not suffice."

"I know, all I can ask is that you consider other options. Obviously you'll know best what has to be done. I trust you completely."

"Thank you," he said, "that means a lot. So back to the rules. One, familiar places only; Two, use the phone; Three, scream."

I raised my eyebrow.

"Since I'm still trying to keep a low profile and not reveal to people in Forks that I'm back, I may not always be able to see you, but I'll always be within shouting distance. So if anything happens at all yell or scream for me. I'm just telling you this as a precaution. He will never get that close to you. But I wanted to let you know just in case. If anything happens where you need my help and can't call me, even if it has nothing to do with Laurent, just scream and I'll be there."

The thought that I might ever need this strangely human form of alarm made me afraid again. I really hated all this – hated that once again I had to deal with a stalker vampire, even if he didn't seem as intent on killing me as James had. Most of all I hated that his presence would delay everything. Delay Jasper's conversation with Alice and the time when I would know whether Jasper and I had a future together or not. I knew a week for Jasper must seem like a blink of an eye. For me it loomed like an eternity. I could only hope that Laurent would make his move soon. I didn't want to have to explain to people next week why I couldn't do things with them.

I remembered my promise to Mike to go to the bond fire at First Beach with him Saturday. I decided that I wouldn't say anything about that yet. Maybe it wouldn't be an issue. If the situation dragged on, I could always cancel at the last minute.

"Bella, since I probably won't be able to come back here until I deal with Laurent, I need to get some things together. I was hoping I could store them in your truck, since I will be near your house whenever you're there. Is that all right?"

"Of course."

"And I have to go upstairs to get everything, but I don't feel comfortable leaving you down here unprotected. Will you come with me?"

I nodded. We got up and walked upstairs together to the room he used to share with Alice. I suspected seeing that room would be difficult, and I wasn't wrong. I felt her presence everywhere, a painful reminder that by falling in love with Jasper I was intruding, stepping on someone else's property. Looking around I saw aspects of Jasper and Alice's personalities perfectly intertwined and I wondered how he could even think he would be able to separate himself from the woman who had obviously been his other half for so many years.

Undoubtedly sensing my sadness and discomfort, Jasper ghosted quickly around the room gathering the things he needed. A few changes of clothes, some electronics, a few books. I wondered about the electronics – he wouldn't exactly be near an outlet.

"How will you keep all this charged?"

"I have spare batteries and there are outdoor outlets everywhere, Bella. There's one at your house at a fairly inconspicuous location. I should be able to set up a charging station without a problem."

"Oh." He thought of everything. He really was a master of strategy.

"Bella, these clothes," he pointed to what he was wearing," might be a little too dressy for vampire hunting, so I'm going to change. I'll just be in the bathroom and I'll keep the door ajar. Please stay here, all right?"

"Sure," for the first time since he told me about Laurent color returned to my cheeks. The thought of him changing in the next room without even a closed door between us increased my body temperature by several degrees. I looked down at the carpet, embarrassed. He crossed the room and was next to me in a flash, lifting my chin to make me look at him.

"You are so beautiful, Bella," he said, his gold eyes locked on mine, "And that blush," he stroked my cheek with his hand, "drives me to distraction. I can't manifest it as easily as you can without embarrassing us both, but believe me, thinking of you has a similar effect on me."

I was sure my blush deepened by several degrees and I stepped into him, pressing my face against his chest so that he couldn't actually see me. Then, suddenly aware that standing so close to him could provoke one of those embarrassing reactions I hastily stepped away. Jasper chuckled.

"It's all right, Bella," he whispered in my ear, his cool breath sending shivers through me that had nothing to do with temperature, "I've had many years to master that aspect of my self control. You're perfectly safe around me, at least as long as you want to be." He looked at me, raising both of his eyebrows comically. I laughed, glad that he elected to diffuse the situation.

"Just go change, already," I said, trying to push him towards the bathroom. My efforts were just about as successful as me trying to move a brick wall.

"Wow, Bella," he teased, "If only I knew sooner how eager you were to get me out of my clothes."

I rolled my eyes. "Give me a break. It's not like you're going to put on a show."

"Not unless you want me to," he teased again, untucking his shirt and reaching for the top button.

I rolled my eyes again. "If you don't quit that, I'm going back downstairs."

Jasper was instantly serious.

"No. Please stay here. I'll be right back."

He disappeared into the bathroom and I sat down on the edge of the bed. I wasn't even thinking about what he was doing in the other room. Reality had just dumped a cold bucket of water on me and all I could think about was how, once again, I was being hunted and in need of protection. Absentmindedly I ran my fingers over my scar and shivered, this time from fear. Suddenly Jasper was sitting next to me and I was in his arms.

"No one will ever get close enough to you to do that again," he promised. "Not as long as I'm around to do anything about it."

**

* * *

**

The song is "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith. Jasper's been waiting to sing that one until he was finally able to see Bella sleep.

**So things are finally starting to happen. Hope you're liking this turn of the plot. Pease review and let me know what you thought. **


	31. Chapter 31: Sleep

**First, as always, than you all so much for the reviews! As of tonight there were over 1000 reviews, which is still something I can't get my head around. I am truly so grateful to all of you who take the time to let me know what you think of the twists and turns of this story.**

**This chapter took longer to write than I anticipated and it's still not gelling quite right for me. However, it's miles better than when it started, and it needs to be posted so we can move along with the rest of the story. And yes, it is a bit self-indulgent. Sorry!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 31: Sleep

After Jasper packed up his things into a small sports bag, we went back downstairs, knowing we only had a couple of hours together. I wanted these hours to be happy, to make a good memory I could hold on to for as long as Jasper and I had to be apart, so I did my best to bury my fear and depression and asked to do the one thing we would not be able to do for a while – watch some more episodes of Firefly.

This time, Jasper didn't watch me from afar. Instead, I was tightly wrapped in a warm blanket as I sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest, encircled by his strong arms. I threw my head back, resting it against his right shoulder. He leaned his head forward so that our cheeks touched. Periodically he swept his head down along my left shoulder inhaling my scent, as he did that first time in the kitchen. If anything, his actions had an even bigger impact on me than they did then, but after our discussion the previous night, I also tapped into a previously undiscovered source of self-restraint. I wanted to be with Jasper, but not until he was truly free to be with me. And now that I knew I could no longer fully count on him to stop me from taking that first step down the road to hell, it somehow became easier to police myself.

Jasper didn't let me go when the shows were over. Instead, he pulled me ever closer to him.

"It's killing me to let you go, you know that, right?" he growled. "To give up this precious time with you so you can spend it with Newton, discussing love poetry."

I sighed. "I'm not exactly jumping for joy about it either, but there's nothing I can do. There is no other time this week we can work on it. Besides, his parents are expecting me for dinner." I turned my head to look at him. "You know I'd much rather stay here with you."

"I just hope the kid behaves himself and doesn't get any ideas." He paused. "Any more ideas than he already has, that is."

I smiled. Now that I knew the real reason behind Jasper's attitude towards Mike, I found it endearing.

"His ideas aren't really all that relevant, are they?" I asked. "Not if he doesn't act on them. He wouldn't try anything in his house with his parents right there without my consent, and you know he won't have that."

I tugged on his arms until he loosened them enough for me to stand up. I unwrapped myself from the blanket, folded it and placed it on the sofa. Jasper stood up next to me and pulled me into his arms again. This embrace was as desperate as the first hug he gave me when we arrived, and I returned it with similar emotion.

"It's only a little more time, Darlin'," he said softly. "Soon Laurent will be gone and I will speak with Alice and then we can start over, together."

I sighed against his chest. I wasn't sure if he was trying to reassure me or himself. He made it sound so easy, so inevitable, but I knew things were never that simple, not in my life. I couldn't let myself believe that everything was going to be fine. All of my experience let me to other conclusions. I could hope for the best, but I had to prepare for anything.

"It's getting late," I said, as I pulled away. "I have to get going if I'm going to make it to Mike's on time."

Jasper grabbed his bag and we walked back out to the truck together. We didn't speak and the atmosphere was thick with tension neither one of us knew how to diffuse. I let him out a few blocks away from the Newton's home and drove myself the rest of the way. In the driveway I took a big breath, pasted on a fake smile, and headed for the front door.

Mike must have been waiting for me, because he opened the door before I even had a chance to press the doorbell. His smile was far more genuine than mine.

"Hey, Bella. Come on in," he motioned for me to come inside.

The Newton's lived in a newer house, one much larger than Charlie's. The beautifully furnished and decorated living and dining rooms were visible from the front hall and looked more like magazine layouts than rooms in a real home. Mike shrugged when we noticed my appraisal.

"My mom likes to decorate," he explained, "and we almost never use this part of the house. Do you want something to drink before we go up to my room?"

I gulped. I suppose I should have realized we would be working in his room, but hearing him say it was a little shocking. _It's just a room, Bella. He probably has his computer in there. _

"Sure," I said

"Come on in," he moved down the hall and I followed him into the area of the house that the family apparently actually used. There was a large kitchen, a dinette and a family room. Mike's mom was preparing something on the stove.

"Hi Mrs. Newton," I said.

"Hello, dear," she smiled at me. "Do you kids need a snack while you work? Dinner won't be ready for another couple of hours."

"I'll grab some chips," Mike said. "What would you like to drink, Bella? We have soda, water, juice"

"Some soda would be great."

I was surprised at how comfortable this felt -- warm and welcoming. I started to relax. Jasper's jealousy had put me on edge regarding Mike, but I could see now there was nothing to worry about. He was just my friend and we were just going to study. A perfectly normal human activity – no different than hanging out in Jake's garage. I smiled in relief and followed Mike as he grabbed a couple of cans of soda and a bag of chips and headed back out into the hallway and up the stairs.

"Have fun," his mom called behind us, "and make sure those chips aren't all over the floor."

I stepped into Mike's room cautiously, not sure what to expect. It was obvious that his family was well off. The room was large and Mike had his own computer, a flat screen TV, some sort of video game console and an entertainment system. His full-size bed didn't take up nearly as much available space as my twin size bed did in my room. His walls were decorated with athletic themed posters and memorabilia, including a shelf of his own trophies. What really caught my eye, though, was the well-stocked bookshelf. I walked over to examine the titles. He had some classics as well as thrillers, spy novels and mysteries by bestselling authors. Judging by the titles there were also quite a few historical novels. I pulled one out at random, _The Archer's Tale_ by Bernard Cornwell, and read the synopsis on the back.

"You really like to read," I said, looking back at him and not quite able to disguise my surprise.

He looked down and rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand. "Yeah. Don't tell anyone, though," he looked back up at me, "It would ruin my rep."

"No worries. I can keep a secret. This looks interesting." I said, lifting the book in my hand.

"Oh yeah," he said enthusiastically, "that one is great. It's actually the first in a series about an archer in 14th century Europe. The descriptions of the battle scenes are fantastic!"

I smiled, returning the book to the shelf. I reached for another one, _Pompeii_ by Robert Harris. "And this one?" I asked.

"That one is about the Mt. Vesuvius explosion from the point of view of a Roman aqua duct engineer. Again, the descriptions of everything preceding the explosion and the aftermath are just awesome."

I returned the second book to the shelf and looked at Mike carefully, almost as if I were seeing him for he first time. This was a side of him I never knew before, and I really liked it. I always knew he was more than a dumb jock, that he was far more kind and friendly and smart than most guys his age, but I never expected him to be so passionate about historical fiction and it made me wonder how many more secrets Mike kept from us to make himself seem more stereotypical than he really was.

"These sound really good, Mike. Maybe I can borrow one sometime."

"Sure, take Pompeii first. I think you'd really like it."

"Okay," I said, reaching back for the book and shoving it into my bag. "Thanks. I'll give it back to you as soon as I'm done."

"Take your time, no rush."

We both stayed silent for a minute, not quite knowing what to say next. Finally I remembered the reason I was there in the first place.

"So," I said as I sat on the edge of his bed and pulled out Carlisle's books, "did you choose a poem yet?"

"Not quite," he answered, settling in his desk chair. "I have a couple I'm considering. I was hoping you could help me make the final choice."

"All right. Let's hear them."

"Well, the first one is called 'Witch-Wife:'

_She is neither pink nor pale,  
__And she never will be all mine;  
__She learned her hands in a fairy-tale,  
__And her mouth on a valentine._

_She has more hair than she needs;  
__In the sun `tis a woe to me!  
__And her voice is a string of coloured beads,  
__Or steps leading into the sea._

_She loves me all that she can,  
__And her ways to my ways resign;  
__But she was not made for any man,  
__And she never will be all mine._

"The second," he continued, "is called 'A Dream Girl:'

_You will come one day in a waver of love,  
Tender as dew, impetuous as rain,  
The tan of the sun will be on your skin,  
The purr of the breeze in your murmuring speech,  
You will pose with a hill-flower grace._

_You will come, with your slim, expressive arms,  
A poise of the head no sculptor has caught  
And nuances spoken with shoulder and neck,  
Your face in pass-and-repass of moods  
As many as skies in delicate change  
Of cloud and blue and flimmering sun._

_Yet,  
You may not come, O girl of a dream,  
We may but pass as the world goes by  
And take from a look of eyes into eyes,  
A film of hope and a memoried day._

He stopped and looked at me, trying to gauge my reaction. I was dumbstruck. Again, I had let my pre-conceived notions take over, and assumed the poems Mike would choose would be the simple "roses are red, violets are blue" garden variety love poems. I never expected him to select such heartfelt poetry. I noticed that both poems had a common theme – each one expressed uncertainly about the author's ability to fully capture the perfect lover. And in each poem the lover was idealized, beyond the natural. I looked at Mike carefully, trying to see what was going on beneath the surface.

At that point I realized that Jasper had been right. Mike may have been willing to mask his feelings until I was ready, but this did not eliminate them, and they were clearly manifesting themselves though his choice of poetry. Obviously agreeing to be his parther on this project had not been the best idea.

"Um, which one do you like, Bella?" Mike asked quietly, cautiously. "I'm kind of leaning towards the second one, myself."

"I like them both," I answered honestly. "That last one is a good choice." _Especially if you're in love with a girl and aren't quite sure if you will ever be with her or not._

"Yeah, I thought so too. Not too long and not too complicated, you know? Easy to understand."

"Yes," I agreed. "Easy to understand. . ." I wished I had enough guts to veto this selection, since I had no idea how I could possibly explain in front of the class why I thought this was Mike's favorite, but I remembered what I told Jasper, and I knew I couldn't force Mike to choose a poem that was completely lacking in meaning. His grade was depending on this assignment too.

"What about you?" he asked. "Did you pick yours?"

"I like this poem called 'The Kiss,'" I read it to him, watching for his reaction. He considered it and looked at me thoughtfully.

"It's not one I would have expected you to pick as your favorite," he finally said. "I like it," he quickly added, "it's just that I would have expected something a little more . . . traditional?"

He clearly had a better understanding of me than I of him, which shouldn't have surprised me, but did.

"I tried to step a bit outside my comfort zone for this assignment," I explained. "At first the traditional poems stood out, but then I forced myself to really look at other works and this one seemed really right."

"You like that the author comingles the sexual and intellectual images?"

I was so shocked I literally sat back a little. I hadn't thought of the poem that way. The idea of an intellectual romance appealed to me, but I hadn't considered that Stephen Dunn combined the two aspects of love with his words. My eyes narrowed a bit as I looked at Mike. This was a completely new side of him. Not the easy-going, flirty jock, or the prankster, or the shoulder-to-lean-on friend. This was the Mike other people didn't get to see – the throughtful, contemplative, insightful Mike.

"Yeah, I guess so," I admitted, "though I really hadn't thought of it in exactly those terms."

He laughed. "Good, don't do it now, then. Leave that little insight for my part of the assignement."

I chuckled. "You got it. What about you and your Dream Girl? You like it because you're a romantic, but a realist too?"

"Guilty as charged, but it's more than that. The description of the dream girl is perfect. Rather, it's a perfect description of you."

My stomach muscled clenched painfully. Jasper had warned me, and still I hadn't expected this. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath."

"Mike," I paused, not knowing what exactly was the right thing to say.

"It's okay, Bella. I mean, I know. I understand. Like the poem says – it may never happen. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. But you know how I feel, and I know you were smart enough to figure out why I liked this poem, even without me stating the obvious. So I just thought, you know, I would put it out there, so we didn't have to avoid talking about the elephant in the room."

I smiled. "I've never been compared to an elephant before," I teased.

"Hey, if the trunk fits. . . "

I took a toss pillow off the bed and chucked it in his direction. It landed well short of my intended target.

"Oh, It's gonna be like that, is it?" he said threateningly, leaning forward to pick up the pillow.

"No fair," I cried, "You actually have hand-eye coordination."

He laughed as he put down the pillow. "You know I wouldn't. I can't pick on someone half my size."

I laughed too, surprised that I was actually having fun and that things weren't at all awkward. We drank our sodas and ate the chips, taking care not to drop any on the floor. Then we went back to work on the project, printing out copies of each other's poems and jotting down notes for our presentations. Just as we were finishing and I was packing away my books, Mrs. Newton called from downstairs to let us know dinner was ready.

"Perfect timing," Mike said.

We walked down together to the dinette. I exchanged greetings with Mr. Newton, who must have just come back from the store, and we all sat down to eat. Mrs. Newton asked us about the project as we ate the delicious pot roast she prepared for us and, to my never ending surprise, I found myself enjoying this part of the evening as well. Just for a little while I forgot about Edward, Alice, Laurent, and even Jasper, and simply enjoyed this very natural human moment.

After dinner Mike walked me out to my truck. "So we're in pretty good shape for Thursday, right?"

"Yes. Great shape. Thanks! You made this a lot easier than I thought it was going to be."

"That was the plan," he said. "See you at school tomorrow." He pushed the door to the truck closed and backed up a few steps.

"See you," I said, loudly enough for him to hear me, before backing out of the drive.

As I turend my head to make sure the street was clear I spotted Jasper's bag, and instantly remembered that he had to be here somewhere, guarding me. I felt absolutley horrible for allowing myself to forget. I backed into the road and drove to my house, keeping to the speed limit to make it easier for Jasper to follow. Charlie's cruiser was already in the driveway when I arrived, so I grabbed my bag and the kitchen stuff and went straight into the house.

"How did the project go?" Charlie yelled from the living room. I walked in to find him on the sofa, watching TV.

"Great. We're pretty much done. I won't have to do much this week."

"Good. Did you have a nice time?"

"Yeah," I admitted, "the Newtons are really nice."

"They are. Really nice. Good family. Raised their boy well."

"Spreading it on a little thick, Dad," I said. "Don't push it."

"Right, right. Not pushing. Glad you had fun."

"Me too, but now I'm going to put away the stuff from this morning and then go upstairs. I have some other homework to do."

When I got to my room I realized that I really didn't have that much to do. I finished my Spanish and math assignments fairly quickly and didn't feel like preparing for the chemistry lab we would be doing the next day. I sat on my bed, hugging my pillow and missing Jasper. I wanted to call him, but a part of me dreaded learning his reaction to my afternoon at Mike's. Eventually, the part of me that missed him won out and I pulled out my phone.

"Hello, Bella," he answered on the first ring, "I wondered how long you were going to wait to call."

"Hi Jasper. I would have called earlier, but," I hesitated. Just how honest was I prepared to be with him?

"But what, Darlin'?"

I decided I had to tell him the truth. "But I wasn't sure how you were going to react to the whole Mike thing."

He sighed. "I suppose I deserve that," he said. "I haven't exactly behaved rationally before. And I can't pretend that it was easy listening to the two of you tonight, especially when he explained about the poem. But I trust your judgment, Bella, and you certainly were more right than I was about today. For the most part Mike held himself in check."

"Thanks for acknowledging that. I got a little nervous there for a while, but it didn't last long. So, where are you right now?"

"I'm in the woods behind your house. I found a pretty good lookout point on one of the trees. I'm high enough that I can see if anyone approaches the house from any direction."

I tried to imagine Jasper perched in a tree like a hunter. The dark green and black clothes he had changed into this afternoon would certainly help him blend in with the vegetation. I knew he would be able to stay out there forever, never getting tired, never losing balance, never needing a bathroom break. He was absolutely the ideal surveilant and I knew as long as he watched over the house, Charlie and I would be perfectly safe. I also knew that what I really wanted was to have him inside with me, rather than somewhere out there watching. And that's when it hit me that, at least for this one last night, that wish could be a reality.

"Jasper, can I ask you a favor"

"Anything, Darlin'."

"Would you," my voice broke, "would you spend tonight with me?"

He was silent.

"I didn't mean it the way it sounded," I quickly explained. "I just meant that you'd hunted last night so you should still be fine around me tonight, right? So why waste that? Why couldn't you come over and stay with me in my room? We could have a few more hours together before you won't be able to be near me. Please?"

He didn't answer immediately. "Yes," he said eventually, "I'll be over soon. Crack open your bedroom window."

I practically ran to the window, feeling a sense of Deja view as I lifted the lower sash just a bit. It had been a while since a vampire spent the night in this room with me. Jasper and I hadn't had that kind of a relationship – we still didn't. But if ever there was a night to make an exception it was this night, and I was glad I had enough guts to ask.

Jasper climbed throught the window a few moments later. I walked up to him and we exchanged a long hug.

"I've missed you," I said. "After being together all day yesterday, this is really hard."

"I've missed you too, Darlin', and I've had fewer distractions. I just hope Laurent makes his move sooner rather than later."

I looked up at him.

"No sign of him yet, I take it?"

"None at all. But I'm sure he's still in the area, and he'll make a mistake at some point."

Jasper steered me towards the bed and we both sat down.

"Maybe you could call Alice to see if she's seen anything else?"

He shook his head.

"She would have called me herself if she saw anything definite, I think, and if I called her I would have to tell her about you, and we both agreed that would be better done in person."

I nodded. Then I had another idea.

"What about Emmett? If you called him for help right away instead of waiting you could find Laurent faster."

"I considered that, but as dense as Emmett is sometimes, I think even he would recognize how I feel about you, and I don't want anyone else to know before I have a chance to speak with Alice. So I want to avoid calling him unless it's absolutely necessary."

"So for now, it just is what it is?"

"I'm afraid so, Bella. But at worst it will only be a week. That's not so long, even for a human."

I was glad he could joke about it. I remembered the few days we spent apart the previous week and how hard it was for both of us. I didn't think this week was going to be any easier. Still, I had to concede that Jasper had thought of everything and his plan was the best one we had. I sighed. A week really wasn't that long, even if right now it felt like an eternity.

To take my mind off the subject at hand, I started talking about music again, knowing that we never got far in our conversation last night. After a while we laid down on the bed, mostly for my comfort, and continued talking until we heard Charlie making his way upstairs. I panicked, but Jasper merely ghosted to stand behind the door so that he was hidden when Charlie knocked and stuck his head in to tell me good night. When he was done in the bathroom I grabbed my night clothes and toiletries and headed for the bathroom myself. I got ready for bed quickly but didn't rush back, suddenly extremely nervous. I took a deep breath to steady my nerves and walked back into the bedroom, turning off the light before I even closed the door. I knew Jasper would be able to see just fine without the light, but the darkness provided me with an illusion of concealment.

I was still super self-conscious as I crawled under my quilt and turned to my side, with my back to Jasper. He moved up next to me, wrapping his arm around me.

"You don't know how often I've thought about being with you like this."

His soft voice made me tremble. I knew I shouldn't ask, but I couldn't help myself.

"You've thought about this? Really?"

"Mmm-hmm," he murmured. "I've imagined lying just like this next to you and sharing another of my favorite poems with you."

"What's the poem?" I asked, my lids feeling heavier and heavier.

"It's called 'Variations on the word Sleep', by Margaret Atwood,

_I would like to watch you sleeping,  
which may not happen.  
I would like to watch you,  
sleeping. I would like to sleep  
with you, to enter  
your sleep as its smooth dark wave  
slides over my head_

_and walk with you through that lucent  
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves  
with its watery sun & three moons  
towards the cave where you must descend,  
towards your worst fear_

_I would like to give you the silver  
branch, the small white flower, the one  
word that will protect you  
from the grief at the center  
of your dream, from the grief  
at the center. I would like to follow  
you up the long stairway  
again & become  
the boat that would row you back  
carefully, a flame  
in two cupped hands  
to where your body lies  
beside me, and you enter  
it as easily as breathing in_

_I would like to be the air  
that inhabits you for a moment  
only. I would like to be that unnoticed  
& that necessary._

"That's an amazing poem, Jasper," I whispered. You'll have to read it to me again, when I'm not so tired." I punctuated my statement with a yawn.

"I will Darlin', I will. For now, just go to sleep."

I closed my eyes and started drifting away as he sang

_Sometimes I __watch__ you while you sleep  
I know you're somewhere in a __dream__  
and I'll cradle you __in my arms__ tonight . . . _

**

* * *

**

The poems and songs mentioned in this chapter were: "Witch-Wife" by Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Dream Girl" by Carl Sandburg, "The Kiss" by Stephen Dunn (you'll find the full text of this poem in Chapter 25 of this story), "Variations on the word Sleep" by Margaret Atwood and the song "Lullaby" by Book of Love.

**Thank you for reading and, as always, your reviews are much appreciated.**


	32. Chapter 32: Waiting

**Okay, there are a few things to tell you about in this Author's note. First, I've modified the 1****st**** chapter of Golden Moon to include a prologue. It's pretty short but it will give you an idea of what to expect towards the end of the story. So before you leave review on this chapter (assuming you want to leave a review, of course) check out the prologue and you can comment on that too!**

**Second, Golden Moon was nominated for a ****for a Twi-Fi Award in the category "Best non-Canon Couple". Given the other nominees in this category, I have to say it is an honor just to be nominated! If you'd like to vote for Golden Moon, just go to my profile and click on the link posted there. Voting is open now through April 26, 2009. **

**Third, I've now posted links to most of the songs I mention in the story in my profile, so you can listen to them if you'd like. **

**Fourth, a huge thanks to IdreamofEddy, bbwhisperer, Calliope Jones, and mmsimpy09, all awesome ladies who helped me with this chapter and Golden Moon as a whole by providing me much needed feedback before I post the chapters here. **

**And finally thank you to all the reviewers for giving me your input and support! It is much appreciated and more valuable than you realize!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 32: Waiting

I woke up alone. Had it not been for the indentation in the bedding next to me I would have sworn I dreamed that Jasper had spent the night. It felt strange not being able to say good morning to him in person or on the phone. I turned to look at the spot where he had lain beside me and saw the folded note. I reached for it eagerly and opened it up. It simply said 'call me'.

I resisted the impulse to scramble out of bed and grab the phone. Instead, I decided to get ready for school first and call him one the way. That way we could have a longer uninterrupted conversation. I showered and dressed quickly, packed up my books and ran downstairs. I grabbed a pack of pop-tarts, not even bothering to toast them. I affixed my earpiece and flipped open my phone as I ran out the back door.

"Good morning, gorgeous," his husky voice in my ear sent a delicious shiver through my body. "You took a long time to call. I was hoping you weren't angry with me for leaving."

I moved my eyes over the tree line in the back of the house, trying to spot his form, even though I knew that my efforts would be futile.

"I missed you this morning, but of course I wasn't angry. I'm happy we had as much time together as we did. Where are you?"

"It's better if I don't show myself. But the view is especially lovely this morning."

I smiled. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin it for you, but I have to head off to school. I'll stay on the phone until I get there, though, if you'd like."

"You know if it were my choice I'd never let you go. Drive safely. I'll be right behind you."

"All right, see you later, I hope," on impulse, I put my hand to my lips and blew a kiss in the general direction of the trees. Then I turned around and went back into the house, locking the back door and going out the front to my truck.

"I caught that, you know," I heard him chuckling in my ear.

"Good, I would have been disappointed if you didn't."

We continued to tease each other until I pulled into the parking lot. Then, reluctantly, I ended the call and walked to class. I saw Angela walking over too and was about to wave, but she deliberately looked away and changed course. I stopped and looked after her. She seemed really mad and I couldn't figure out why. As far as I knew we had been fine the last time we saw each other Friday and we hadn't even spoken over the weekend. What could possibly be wrong?

"Hey, Bella," I hear Mike's voice behind me and turned around to greet him.

"Hey, Mike."

We fell into step together, walking to our first class. He asked a question about an assignment and I responded automatically, but my mind was still on Angela. For the first time ever, my best friend was mad at me, and I had no idea what caused it or how to fix it.

In class, Angela continued to avoid my attempts to catch her eye and she didn't open the note I passed to her. She gathered her books before the bell even rang and headed to her next classroom as soon as our class was over, without giving me a chance to speak to her. We didn't have the next few classes in common, and when I tried to ask Ben what was wrong he just mumbled that he had to respect Angela's privacy and that I would have to ask her. I had no choice but to wait until lunch to try to talk to her again.

Angela didn't exactly make it easy for me. By the time I walked into the cafeteria she was sitting at the other end of the table, the seats on either side of her occupied. I considered leaving her alone until she was more receptive, but I knew I could never be that patient. So instead, I walked to the side of the table where she sat and asked her directly, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Angela, could I please speak with you, alone?"

I knew this was a horrible thing to do. Angela was shy and hated to be in the center of attention even more than I did. She also hated more than anything else to be thought of as impolite. So when I made my very public request, she merely pressed her lips together tightly and got up to follow me out of the cafeteria. I saw Ben throw her a worried look, silently asking if she wanted him to come with her, and I was grateful to see her shake her head. I would have spoken with her in front of Ben if I had to, but it would be easier to talk to her privately.

Once we were outside the cafeteria and out of hearing range of our nosy classmates, I changed my tone.

"Angela, obviously something is wrong but I don't know what it is. Why are you mad at me?"

Angela looked me dubiously. "You really don't know?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I really don't," I repeated.

Angela looked away, her face filled with sadness.

"I would have thought you'd be a little more perceptive than that, Bella. A little more sensitive. I mean, I thought we were friends, but I guess you don't feel the same way."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, thoroughly confused. "Of course we're friends. You're my best friend."

"Really?" her question was laced with disbelief. "If I'm your best friend then how do you explain me having to ask my boyfriend to call one of his friends just to make sure that you actually made it home from whatever it was you were doing all day Saturday?"

My mouth dropped open. I was finally beginning to understand what happened.

"Oh my God, Angela. I'm so sorry! You're absolutely right. I should have called you. It's just that I had such a busy day yesterday. I spent the morning at La Push with Jake and I worked on the poetry project in the afternoon with Mike . . ."

"And there was no time in between or afterwards when you could have called me? Just for a couple of minutes? Just to let me know that you were okay?"

"I'm really so very sorry! Obviously I wasn't thinking. But you didn't have to have Ben call Mike – you could have called me yourself."

"I thought about it, Bella, except that I had no idea what you'd told your father about our supposed day together in Olympia, and I was worried that he might pick up the phone and ask me a question I wouldn't know the answer to. So I didn't call you, because I didn't want to get you in trouble. But now I'm starting to wonder why I even cared, since you clearly haven't thought about my feelings at all. You just used me for a convenient excuse to lie to your dad, so you could do God knows what with God knows who. So in the future, just find someone else to lie for you. I'm done!"

She turned on her heel and started walking away, but I couldn't just let her go.

"Wait," I said as I hurried after her and grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop.

"Look, I see that I messed up, okay? I should have called. I shouldn't have let you worry needlessly. It was thoughtless. I behaved like a selfish jerk. I see that now. But I will make it up to you. I'll do whatever I have to. You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you. I can't let this get between us."

I felt horrible and scared. I didn't want to lose Angela as a friend, yet I couldn't blame her for the way she felt. I had been so selfish – not even thinking about her once all of yesterday. I felt tears well up as I recognized that I didn't deserve her friendship. When Angela turned around I was shocked to see she was crying too.

"I just feel like you don't trust me anymore. Like I'm just good enough to protect you from Mike or to give you alibis for your dad. When you were dating Edward I understood why you spent all your time with him and didn't have time for me, but he's been gone for weeks and you still haven't asked me to do anything with you once, except when you needed to hide from Mike. Something's going on with you and you won't tell me what it is. It sucks, Bella. It sucks being your friend right now."

I hung my head, knowing she was right. What could I possibly say to make things better?

"I'm so sorry Angela. You're right. I've neglected our friendship and I do suck. I thought you wanted to spend all your time with Ben, but I should have asked anyway, instead of assuming. And I should trust you more. It's just that, right now, everything is so complicated and I can't really talk to anyone. But I swear, as soon as I can, maybe in another week. I'll tell you everything! Can you forgive me for that long? Can you give me another chance?"

I held my breath as Angela considered my request. Finally, she nodded. I stepped in and gave her a huge hug.

"Thank you, Angela, thank you so much. You don't know how much this means to me and you won't regret it, I swear. I promise I'll be a better friend from now on. You have to believe me, I never meant to hurt your feelings. I was just thoughtless. But I'll do better in the future."

Angela hugged me back. Our tears turned from sorrow to joy.

"I know, Bella. I know you didn't mean to hurt me."

Over her shoulder I saw Ben look out the cafeteria door towards us, undoubtedly worried about Angela. He really was the sweetest guy. I waved him over and he walked towards us reluctantly, especially when he saw we were both crying. As he came up, I released Angela so she could fall into his arms.

"Everything all right, Angel?" he asked.

She nodded. "We're fine," she said. "It was just a misunderstanding."

"I'm really so sorry, Angela," I repeated.

She reached over to squeeze my hand. "Let's just forget about it, okay? I kind of overreacted."

"No," I shook my head vehemently, "you definitely did not. But thank you for being so great yet again. Sorry, Ben," I felt I had to apologize to him too, for involving him in all this.

He shrugged. "As long as you two worked things out." he said. He pulled Angela back in the direction of the cafeteria and, throwing me one last look over her shoulder, she followed. I headed for the rest room and, finding it empty, took out my phone to call Jasper.

"You all right, Darlin'?" he asked as he answered the call.

"How much of that did you hear?"

"Pretty much every word. I'm glad you were able to resolve things."

"I feel like such an idiot. How could I not even think about calling her? It's all this secrecy about seeing you. I don't even think about my friends any more. At least Jake knows about you being here, but everyone else? I feel horrible about hiding things from Angela."

Jasper was silent for a while. "I'm sorry my presence is causing you pain, Bella. I never wanted that. You could tell Angela about me. She wouldn't betray your trust."

"No, I know she wouldn't," I said. How could I tell him that I wasn't worried about betrayal – that I was far more concerned about being judged for falling in love with the brother of my ex-boyfriend and the boyfriend of my ex-best friend?

"You promised her you'd tell her next week anyway. Why not do it sooner?"

"I think I prefer to wait a little while longer." _At least until you either break up with Alice or decide to stay with her. _

"All right, Darlin'. It's up to you. I just wanted to let you know you had options."

"I know that Jasper, thanks. I'd better go now. I still haven't eaten and lunch is practically over. Those pop-tarts are not going to get me through the afternoon."

We said good bye, promising to talk later. Although I practically ran to the cafeteria, a dangerous proposition under the best of circumstances, I still didn't make it to the food line before the bell rang. Oh well, no one could starve themselves in a day. I would just have to make up for the lunch omission at dinner.

Mike came up to me and we walked to the next class together. "Looks like you and Angela made up?" it was more of a statement than a question.

"Yes. How did you know we needed to?"

He shrugged. "I pay attention. I notice when you're down or upset or . . . hungry," with a smile, he pulled an apple, a bag of chips and a bottle of soda out of his book bag.

I looked at him, surprised.

"I figured you'd be pushing it with the food line when you didn't come back in with Angela, so I took the liberty of procuring some victuals for you."

Victuals? Was there another high school boy out there who not only heard of that word but could actually use it in a sentence? I doubted it. Gratefully, I reached for the food.

"Thanks, Mike, really. This was super nice. I owe you one."

"Nah. It was nothing. I have to make sure you don't starve yourself before our English project Thursday. I wouldn't want my partner's death to mess up my GPA."

I laughed.

"So you're feeding me for selfish reasons, then? Good to know."

"You caught me." He was smiling his adorable dimpled grin that reached all the way to his baby blues. I couldn't help but grin back.

"Well, whatever your motives, I'm grateful. I really am starving."

"Glad I could be of service," he said as we walked into the classroom and took our seats.

School continued as usual. Nothing exciting happened, no vampire appearances. I called Jasper to check in on my way to work. There was still no sign of Laurent. Jasper didn't say much, which worried me a bit, but there wasn't enough time to pursue a real conversation.

Work was fine. It was just me and Mr. Newton in the store so we kept pretty busy. Afterwards, per my agreement with Jasper, I headed straight home. That night we had a pretty awesome conversation, but through it all I thought about how much I missed him and wanted to see him. It was only the first day and it was already getting bad.

Unfortunately, the situation didn't get any better the next day, or the next. I went to school, work, then home, keeping to my routine. I made a conscious effort to spend time with Angela at school, to show her that I really valued our friendship. Fortunately my work schedule made a good excuse for not asking her to do anything with me this week.

Jasper and I talked several times each day, but I could tell his inability to hunt and the frustration of having to wait for Laurent were taking their toll on him. He was getting more and more short tempered. Some of it may also have been due to my interactions with Mike, who chose this week to become much more attentive. Mike never did anything I could complain about. It was just little things, like offering to carry my books, complimenting me on my appearance, helping me with a chemistry lab, buying me lunch before I had a chance to protest, or slipping me a note with a funny joke when my depression over the Laurent situation must have shown all over my face. Because the things he did were so silly and small and sweet, I couldn't really get mad at him or ask him to stop, even though I knew all the little gestures were driving Jasper crazy. He never brought it up first, but though during our nightly conversations I assured him over and over that I saw Mike as nothing more than a friend and he assured me over and over that he understood and was fine, I knew things were strained. I could hear the tension in his voice every time the subject came up.

I started to really hate Laurent. I hated feeling like a sitting duck, waiting for a predator to pounce. I hated having to be constantly under watch and not being able to see Jasper. And most of all, I hated that Jasper had to put his life on hold and suffer to protect me.

By Wednesday night I was feeling really restless and asked Jasper if maybe our plan was flawed. Maybe sticking to my house, school and work was a bad idea. Maybe I needed to go into the woods and draw Laurent out there? Unlike Edward, Jasper actually seriously considered the idea, but then dismissed it as too dangerous. He explained that in the forest it would be too easy for Laurent to ambush me and grab me before Jasper had a chance to stop him. There were too many variables. So the only thing we could do was wait.

On Thursday Mike and I did our poetry presentation. I had to admit it went pretty well. Our teacher was impressed with our poem choices, which were far more sophisticated than those of most of our classmates. We were on such a high that I couldn't really deny Mike's request that we go out for ice cream to celebrate. Knowing I had to let Jasper know what I was doing, I excused myself to go to the ladies room and called him.

"God, Bella," he muttered in frustration, "this is really a lousy time for you to vary your course. I haven't done any recon by the ice cream parlor. I don't know what a good observation point will be and how safe it will be for you. I don't know how close I'll have to get to other humans. . ."

I knew he was thirsty and worried about his self control. I felt horrible.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. But I know you'll be fine. And it will only be for a little while, an hour max. I'm sure Laurent won't choose this, of all times, to show up. After all, the ice cream parlor is a public place and he won't want that type of a confrontation."

"Fine," Jasper said, resigned. "But make sure it's only an hour. And then, can you do me a favor? Would you please go to see Jake for a couple of hours?"

I nearly did a double take. Jasper was actually asking me to see Jake?

"Why?"

"Because I need to hunt, and I know you'll be safe in La Push."

"I will? How come?"

"I can't explain now. It would take too long and Mike is waiting for you, isn't he? Just go there right after the ice cream. Charlie won't mind, right?"

"No," I was absolutely positive he would not mind.

"And call me when you're driving back so I can meet you at the border again. I'll explain everything then, okay?"

"Yes," I said, feeling extremely curious and confused. Still, if it would help Jasper and give him a little time to hunt and get back to normal, I would do just about anything. Plus, I would get to see him tonight! My heart did a double flip and my stomach tingled with butterflies.

"Good. I'll see you soon, Darlin'," his voice softened with obvious longing.

"Soon," I repeated. After nearly four full days without him, I really couldn't wait!

**

* * *

**

I know this chapter is not as long as some of the recent chapters, but we needed to get through this part of the week so we can come to the more exciting stuff. I hope to have another update for you by Friday.

**In the meantime, please review to let me know what you thought (and don't forget about the prologue!)**


	33. Chapter 33: Mr Brightside

**So many of you commented about how worried you were after reading the Prologue, that I feel compelled to respond. At this point, we are only halfway through the story, so there is a lot more to come before we even get to those events. But rest assured, the prologue is only close to the end, not the end itself (kind of like the Twilight prologues) and it only gives you a clue as to what will happen, not the actual outcome. And yes, like most authors, I was deliberately vague. **

**I want to mention a couple of stories I've been reading lately that you might want to check out. IdreamofEddy has a new story called Breathless Hunger and boy, it's an action-packed dark tale featuring Jasper. Who could ask for anything more? But be warned – the M rating is there for a reason. It is a ****dark**** story.**

**The second story is Darkest before Dawn by bbwhisperer. This is not a Jasper story (though you'll see glimpses of him here and there, I'm sure) but it's an interesting take on Bella and her growth as an individual. **

**Okay, enough with the talk. As always, all the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 33: Mr. Brightside

Mike was waiting for me outside the bathroom along with Angela and Ben.

"You don't mind if we join you, do you, Bella?" Angela asked.

I smiled at the ridiculousness of her question.

"Of course not!" I exclaimed. "I'm so happy you guys can come." I glanced at Mike and he was smiling too, so I assumed he was fine with it as well. In fact, he had probably asked them to come along. I couldn't imagine Angela and Ben inviting themselves.

"I'll drive," Mike said.

"Oh, sorry, I need to take my truck. I'm heading to La Push afterwards."

I half expected Mike to look disappointed, but he merely pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against and started walking towards the parking lot.

"I'll take Angela and Ben, then, and we'll meet you there."

It only took a few minutes to drive to the ice cream parlor. Mike pulled into the parking lot first and I followed. I watched as Ben and Angela made their way into the restaurant, while Mike walked over to the driver's side of the truck and opened the door for me. I grabbed my book bag and slung it over my left shoulder after I was safely on the ground. He pushed the door closed and we started walking to the restaurant together. Suddenly my toe caught on a crack in the pavement and I stumbled forward, the resulting shift in the weight of my bag forcing my body to twist awkwardly so that I would have landed hard on my left side if it wasn't for Mike. He grabbed my upper arms with his hands and was holding me upright, my upper body suspended in mid-air.

Suddenly time stood still as I stared up into his warm blue eyes, the adrenaline released by my near-fall causing my heart beat and breathing to accelerate. I saw something I couldn't quite identify flash across Mike's face and then he was pulling me up slowly, bringing me closer to his chest and face, until I stood directly in front of him, our eyes still locked together.

"Are you all right?" his voice sounded slightly thicker, huskier.

"Ye. . ." my voice came out horse. I swallowed and tried again. "Yeah, thanks."

We kept staring at each other. It couldn't have lasted more than a couple of seconds in real life, but it felt like a lot longer. I could see that he wanted to kiss me and, for the first time, I wasn't really sure what my response would be if he followed through. His deeply shaded human lips looked moist and warm. Shocked, I remembered that I had never really kissed a human, and a part of me wanted to know what that would feel like, how would the sensation be different?

Then I thought of Jasper's perfect lips, which were also a mystery, and I immediately looked away, mentally chastising myself for my errant thoughts. I had made my decision. I didn't need to know what a human kiss would be like. I wanted Jasper. I wanted him to be the one to hold me and kiss me and stop me from falling when I was clumsy. And unless I knew for certain that Jasper had chosen Alice over me, I would not allow myself to think about anything else.

Steady on my feet now, I took a step back and Mike released his hold. I turned around and started walking again. He followed.

"Thanks for that, Mike. Really," I said. "I can't believe I tripped like that."

"Seriously, Bella?" Mike said, his voice back to the familiar, easy-going and lightly teasing tone. "I can't believe you don't fall more often. I've never seen anyone who has a sixth sense for seeking out obstacles in their path like you do."

"I'm not that bad," I grumbled.

"I don't know," he refused to concede, "I think I'm right on this one."

I turned to catch his eye and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Nice, Bella. Very mature," he laughed. "Where did you learn that powerful rebuttal, debate class? What grade are you in again?"

I didn't bother responding. I just walked through the door that he somehow managed to beat me to and hold open for me. We saw Angela and Ben had already grabbed a booth and were sitting on one side of the table, so we slid into the booth on the other side.

When the waitress came to take our orders Mike insisted that we all get drinks in addition to the ice cream. Then, when the food arrived, he grabbed his glass and raised it to make a toast.

"To friends and partners," he said. It seemed like the right thing to toast to, so we all followed his lead and drank. From the corner of my eye I saw Mike looking at me. When he realized he'd been caught, instead of turning away, he smiled wider and winked. I smiled back and turned to my sundae.

As we ate our ice cream we talked about school and gossiped about our friends. We all tried each other's desserts, Mike making a face at my combination of blueberry and chocolate chip mint ice cream and me teasing him about his selection of triple chocolate fudge. I was surprised at how much fun I was having and how effortless it all was. I realized that it had been a while since I'd been out with my human friends, ones I actually liked, and I how much I had missed it.

After we were done with the ice cream Angela asked if I wanted to go with her to the washroom. I readily agreed and we headed to the back of the restaurant. Once safely in the confines of the ladies room, Angela turned to me conspiratorially.

"What's going on with you and Mike?" she asked.

I looked at her, surprised.

"Nothing. We just worked on the poetry assignment together."

"Yeah, I know, but it's more than that. All week long he's been stuck to your side like glue. I'm not the only one who noticed. People are talking. And earlier in the parking lot when he held you, Ben was ready to put money down that he was going to kiss you. Good thing there was no one around to take his bet," she giggled. "And that toast? I think Mike was talking about more than poetry partners. So come on, don't tell me you're the only one who hasn't noticed? What gives?"

I was still looking at her, my eyes wide with shock, my brain trying to process everything she'd just told me. People were talking about us? Ben was ready to bet that we were going to kiss? Just how oblivious had I been in the last week? Had I really been ignoring the obvious? And what about Jasper? He could hear not just me, but everyone in the school. Was his short temper fueled, in part, by everyone's foolish gossip and speculation?

"Hey, you really have no clue what I'm talking about, do you?" Angela asked, finally understanding my silence.

I shook my head. "I really don't. Mike and I are just friends."

"Well, I believe you, but you might want to be a little more careful around school if you don't want people to get the wrong impression. You two are looking pretty chummy these days, and you know how the gossip mill is – it doesn't take much to get everyone going."

"Right," I said absentmindedly. I was still thinking about Jasper and how hurtful this must have been for him. I would somehow have to make it up to him.

"Well," Angela said in a tone that indicated we were done talking about Mike and me, "I really do have to use the restroom. How about you?"

I shook my head. "No, but I do have to make a couple of calls. I'll be right outside."

Still a little stunned, I walked out of the restroom and headed straight for the wall-hanging pay phone. I first called Charlie at the police station to tell him of my intended visit to La Push. As I expected, he had no problem with my plans. Then I called Jake, who indicated that he wasn't doing anything and it would be fine for me to come over, but also seemed a bit suspicious about why I wanted to visit on a week night. I would have to come up with some believable excuse on the way there.

Angela emerged form the washroom and we walked back to the table. I noticed a few bills tucked under the sugar holder and realized that the boys had already paid for the food.

"Mike," I said, exasperated, "You shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?" he asked. "I invited you. And besides, it's no big deal. Just ice cream and a soda. It's not like a lobster dinner."

His choice of words took me right back to the dinner on the yacht and everything that Jasper and I talked about that night. I started feeling all warm and tingly. I was so happy that in just a few short hours I would be able to see and touch Jasper again. I loved talking to him on the phone, loved the sound of his voice in my ear, but without seeing and feeling him, sometimes he didn't seem real. More like a lovely dream or hallucination. So I couldn't wait until tonight when I could see for myself that he was, in fact, more than a figment of my imagination.

"Hey, Earth to Bella," suddenly I realized that Mike was speaking to me. I forced myself to re-focus.

"Oops, sorry. I was just lost in thought."

"Yeah," he said. "Like really lost. Where did you go?"

"It's nothing, Mike. Just forget it," I snapped, a little too sharply based on his hurt expression. "Sorry. I didn't mean that."

"It's okay," he said, his voice devoid of its usual laughing undertone. "I didn't mean to pry."

Any lengthy response would have required an explanation of my thoughts, which I didn't want to provide, so I just said "It's okay. No harm done. But I do have to go to La Push now."

We all stood up and walked out of the restaurant. Mike seemed a little deflated and he didn't walk next to me on the way out, choosing to put Angela and Ben between us. The three of them walked towards his Suburban and I headed for my truck.

"Thanks for the ice cream, Mike," I called out, belatedly realizing that I had forgotten to thank him in the restaurant.

"You're welcome," he called back. Then the three of them piled into the Suburban and he drove away, without looking at me. I shivered, filled with remorse for unnecessarily hurting his feelings.

I got into the truck and took out my phone and earpiece. I pulled out of the parking lot onto the road leading to La Push and pressed the 1 button.

"He's going too far," Jasper growled. I knew he was talking about Mike. "He'll be lucky if I don't rip his touchy feely arms off the next time I see him."

"It was nothing, Jasper. Would you rather he let me fall and hurt myself?"

"I'd rather you watched where you were going so that he'd have no reason to touch you at all," Jasper was still growling angrily.

So it wasn't just Mike who made him mad. Clearly he wasn't happy with me either. I sighed. I knew his thirst was making him grouchy, and his jealousy of Mike, irrational under the best of circumstances, was not helping any. _But was it completely irrational?_ I remembered how I felt for that one moment when I might not have minded if Mike kissed me. I shook my head. Mike was nice, but I was in love with Jasper. I may have been curious about a kiss with a human boy, but that's as far as the interest went. I wanted to be with Jasper.

"I'm glad you're going hunting, Jasper," I said, trying to lighten up the mood, "You're acting really crabby."

He growled again. "I am not, nor have I ever been, crabby. I am pissed off that some damn nomad vampire is delaying the time when we can finally tell everyone that we're together and I can be by your side, so there's no opportunity for Newton to get off touching my woman."

I gasped.

"Jasper! Mike was not . . ."

"He was, Bella. Take my word for it, he definitely was."

I couldn't believe the path of this conversation and I didn't know quite why I felt compelled to defend Mike, but I tried again. "Jasper, I have a hard time . . ."

"You're not the only one," he kept growling, "Newton was having quite a hard time himself."

Clearly understanding his implication, I might have giggled if it wasn't for the menacing tone of his voice, which told me in no uncertain terms that he did not mean to be funny. I was absolutely mortified by what he had said and I felt blood rushing to my cheeks.

"Jasper Whitlock, now you're just being crude. I know you're thirsty and that's why you're saying what you're saying, but I can't keep listening to this. I'm going to go. I'll call you when I'm on the way home from La Push."

"Wait," he spoke so quickly that I heard him before I had a chance to hit the end button.

"What?" I said impatiently. No response. "What?" I repeated, louder this time, my voice at a higher pitch.

"Nothing," he finally said. "I'll be waiting for you later at the border."

"Okay. Have a good hunt. Bye." Right before I hit the end key I heard his belated "I'm sorry."

It was a good thing I was so familiar with the way to Jake's house, because I really wasn't thinking about where I was going. I was worried about Jasper. It was now all too obvious how upset he was about the whole Mike situation and I really didn't know what I could do to help. If only I'd known sooner what people were saying, I could have done something to nip the rumors in the bud. I knew everything that happened was completely innocent, but given that there really wasn't anything else going on in school worth gossiping about, combined with my recent break-up with Edward, I guess people simply latched onto any tidbit they could blow up into a juicy gossip story. It was immature, but that's what high school was all about.

And, of course, none of them knew that Jasper was forced by circumstances beyond his control to listen to all their stupid speculations. I could easily imagine how he felt. I knew it would drive me crazy to have to listen to people talking about him and someone else, no matter how sure I was that nothing they said was true. I hoped his faith in me was strong enough to know the rumors were false. He had watched me all week, so he knew nothing happened. But still, I could completely understand why he was so touchy.

I knew that I would have to be more compassionate tonight than I was this afternoon. I still didn't want to hear his disparagements of Mike, because Mike's feelings really were not relevant. But I would make sure Jasper understood that all my loyalty and affections were his.

Without paying any conscious attention, I pulled up to Jake's house. I watched as the front door opened and he jogged towards the truck holding an umbrella. Somewhere between Forks and La Push it had apparently started to rain. That seamed appropriate, like somehow the universe was as depressed about the situation as I was.

"Hey, Bella," Jake said as he opened the driver's side door. "So to what do we owe . . ." He stopped mid-question. "What's wrong?"

I looked at him, surprised. Was it that obvious?

"Nothing," I said, but it didn't even sound convincing to me.

"You look like someone just killed your cat."

"I don't have a cat," I couldn't even smile at Jake's lame attempt at a joke.

"Whoa, this is more serious than I thought. I'm gonna guess that you don't really want to go in to see Billy right now."

I confirmed his statement with a look and a shake of my head.

"Okay. Should we go to the garage? It's private and we can talk."

I nodded, not really trusting myself to speak.

"Wait here. I'll be right back."

He ran back to the house. Through the open front door I heard him telling Billy that the two of us would be in the back. Then he came back with a couple of cans of soda and a blanket. He helped me out of the truck and we walked to the garage, trying to stay as dry as we could under the umbrella.

"Here," he said, handing me the blanket, "use this so you don't freeze out here. And then spill."

I wrapped the blanket around me obediently. It felt nice and soft and warm.

"What about you?" I asked. "Won't you be cold?"

"Nah," he said. "I seem to be running hotter than normal these days."

"You're not sick, are you?" I asked, concerned.

"I don't think so. I feel fine. Don't worry about it. Why don't you tell me what's wrong, instead? You look terrible."

I bit back a sarcastic reply. This really wasn't the time to have that kind of a conversation. Instead, I hung my head and tried to figure out how to tell him what was wrong without somehow revealing Jasper's vampire nature. In the end I told him that Jasper was delayed in going back to Alice, which placed our potential relationship in a holding pattern. I also told him about Mike's increased friendliness and how, even though it was all innocent, it still fueled gossip at school, which somehow made its way back to Jasper. Jake listened, but he didn't seem particularly sympathetic.

"What's that quote about deception and webs? Sounds like you got yourself tangled up but good."

"Thanks a lot," I said darkly, "That's really helpful."

"Oh, come on, Bella. What do you expect? You're crushing on a guy who has a girlfriend that, conveniently enough, he can't break up with at the moment . . ."

"He really can't," I interjected, sensing that Jake didn't believe that part of my story.

"Sure, sure," Jake said dismissively, "whatever. So then, instead of being unhappy by yourself like any other girl would be in your shoes, you go and find the one poor slob who's head over heels in love with you and you lead him around like a bull by the nose ring. And you're surprised that people might find that something worth gossiping about? And then the two-timing loverboy gets whiff of the rumors and starts feeling possessive even though he's the one who's not available? I mean, really, who am I supposed to feel sorry for in that arrangement, except maybe Mike?"

I buried my head in my hands. It's not like everything he said wasn't true, but I had still hoped Jake could have some small measure of compassion, could do something to make me feel better. If this was how one of my best friends felt about me, what could I expect from everyone else?

I felt him come over and sit beside me. Then I felt his arms underneath me as he picked me up and placed me in his lap, his huge strong arms wrapped tightly around me.

"I'm sorry, Bella. That was really harsh. You didn't deserve that."

"But I did, Jake. That's the hardest part. I deserved every word. I really made a mess of things."

Since I was being as honest as I could be, and since I didn't think his opinion of me could get any lower, I told him about my conversation with Mike in the parking lot of Newton's store, back when I thought I didn't have a chance with Jasper and I was actually contemplating a possible future with Mike. When I was done, Jake whistled.

"Dang, Bells, you're just a walking emotional wrecking ball, aren't you? You should walk around with a warning sign."

I sniffled. My eyes filled with tears.

"Oh heck, don't cry," he cringed as he spoke. "I don't have any tissues out here and I like this shirt."

I couldn't help but laugh a little at that. Jake never struck me as a guy who cared about his clothes.

"That's better," he said.

"Better for you and your shirt. I'm not sure it's any better for me."

"Okay, look, I don't know what to tell you, except that unless you're ready to see where it leads, you have to scale things back with Mike, not just for you and the other Cullen . . ."

"Jasper," I said, a little exasperated.

"Whatever," Jake's animosity towards Jasper was unrelenting, "not just for you and him," he continued, "but for Mike too. He's getting played like a piano here."

"No. No one's playing Mike."

"Seriously? The guy is carrying a torch for you the size of the Olympic flame and you think all that stuff he's doing is because he wants to be friends? You need to start smelling what you're shoveling. Your first instincts on this were so much better. Maintain a distance, for both your sakes. Unless, of course, you want more or you enjoy breaking his heart. Then, by all means, keep doing what you've been doing."

I groaned. I knew he was right, but it still hurt to hear it.

"Do you have to always be so freakin' honest?"

"Hey, if you wanted a sugar coating you should have gone to a bakery. With me, what you see is what you get. You know that, Bells."

I sighed. We didn't say anything for a while, but he pulled me closer to his chest and I knew that despite everything he said, he still really cared about me.

"So what are you gonna do?" he finally asked.

"I don't know, Jake. Everything you said makes sense, but it's more complicated than that. There are things happening that I can't tell you about. I wish I hadn't come here and told you all this. I don't want you to hate me."

"Yeesh, Bella, are you really that stupid? I could never hate you. I'm telling you all this stuff because I think you need to hear it, because I'm your friend. But friends stick by each other no matter what. When it comes right down to it, I don't care what you do to these two yahoos. Hell, I'd mess them up for you if it helped. As long as you're all right in the end."

I smiled and reached up my hand to pet his cheek. His skin felt like fire.

"You're one of my best friends, Jacob Black. Don't ever change, okay?"

He laughed.

"As wonderful as I am right now, why would I ever change?"

After that we moved on to other topics. Jake lifted me off his lap and went to work on his car while we talked about the daily minutia of our lives. I listened with some concern when he told me about a rift between him and one of his best friends, Embry, who started acting strange a while back and now didn't associate with Jake and Quil anymore, choosing to hang out with another group of older Quileute boys including Sam Uley, the huge guy who came over Sunday morning. Jake sounded angry, but I could tell beneath the anger was a lot of pain too as he mourned the loss of his best friend. I went up to him then, and hugged him tightly from behind, trying to provide him with the same comfort and support he showed me earlier. Jake sighed, turned around and pulled me into a proper hug. We stayed that way for a long time, each of us trying to cope with our pain.

Eventually it was time for me to go back. I stopped by the house briefly to say hello to Billy, then headed back to Forks. As soon as I was on the road I called Jasper to tell him I was on my way home. He sounded better, and assured me that he would be waiting for me right on the reservation border. Every other feeling I experienced faded away when the sheer joy at the thought of seeing him in person absolutely took over, and I drove as fast as the truck would allow.

I finally saw him standing by the side of the road and immediately pulled over. This time I didn't wait for him to get inside. Instead, I jumped out of the truck and went to him, falling into his arms. I pressed myself as closely to him as I could, and he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

"God, I've missed you," he said.

"I've missed you too," I replied.

The rain had stopped while Jake and I were talking, the residual moisture making everything glisten in the moonlight. I noticed that Jasper's clothes were soaked, making mine wet as well. I pulled away.

"You need to change." I said. "You have dry clothes in the truck, right?"

He nodded. "I do, but it's not safe for me to change here, with you in the open. We should go."

I frowned. "I need to go home. Charlie will be expecting me soon."

Jasper nodded.

"May I . . . may I spend the night with you again?" he asked cautiously, almost as if he was asking against his better judgment.

I looked down at the ground, suddenly extremely shy and self-conscious. "Of course. I'd like that," I said quietly.

He cupped his hand over my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. I gazed into his gorgeous topaz eyes and melted. The fingers of his hand brushed over my cheek as his thumb outlined my lips.

"This week has been sheer torture, Darlin'," he whispered.

"I know. For me too."

"I'm sorry about earlier."

I shook my head. "Let's not talk about that now."

"You're right. This is much too public for my taste. Let's get you home. We do have a lot to talk about."

**

* * *

**

The chapter title comes form the song by The Killers – there's a link in my profile. I thought it fit Jasper's mood in this chapter pretty well.

**I know many of you wanted more Jasper and Bella together, and we will get that in the next chapter, which should be posted Sunday. **

**In the meantime, I'd love to know what you thought of this chapter, so please leave a review!**


	34. Chapter 34: The Nearness of You

**Many, many thanks to IdreamofEddy and Calliope Jones for their help with this chapter. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 34: The Nearness of You

Jasper held my hand all the way home, both of us needing to maintain physical contact. Only the thought of him up in my room with me all night convinced me to let him go when I pulled into the driveway, and even then it was difficult.

"How're Jake and Billy?" Charlie asked when I walked into the house.

"Okay," I said and went into the kitchen to fix a plate for dinner. Charlie followed me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

"Just unusual for you to go out there on a school night."

Great. Charlie picked the worst possible time to be perceptive. I put the plate of food in the microwave as I thought about how to answer. Not being able to think of a good enough lie, I decided to go with the truth.

"I just had something to talk to Jake about. Get a guy's perspective."

"Ah." Charlie didn't have a follow up question. I guessed he figured what I needed to talk to Jake about would just embarrass him, which was exactly what I'd intended.

"Okay, then. I'll go back to the game."

"Sure, Dad. I'll just eat and head upstairs. I'm kind of beat."

Charlie turned and was about to leave the kitchen when he stopped abruptly.

"Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. How did your project with Mike go?"

I sighed. What was with him and Mike? The last thing I needed while Jasper was here listening was for my father to go on and on about how great he thought Mike was for me.

"It was fine." I said in a clipped voice. _Please, please, Charlie. Take the hint!_

"Was that what you needed to talk to Jake about?" _Oh, come on!_

"Kind of," since Charlie was not taking subtle hints, it was time for a more aggressive approach, "But I really do need to get upstairs and do some homework and then get to bed. I'm exhausted."

"Oh, okay. Sorry, Bells. I know you've had a lot going on this week."

_You don't know the half of it! _I ate quickly and washed the dishes before heading upstairs.

Jasper was already in the room, wearing a fresh change of clothes. This time he was dressed all in black. Black jeans, black hiking boots and a black long-sleeved v-neck t-shirt that draped magnificently over his muscular chest and arms. The outfit only served to accentuate his pale skin and his wavy blond hair. I swallowed hard as a swarm of butterflies took flight in my stomach.

I closed the door behind me and walked up to him slowly, not willing to take my eyes off him for an instant. I stopped a few inches away from him, reaching up to touch his face with both of my hands, to make sure he was really in the room. He closed his eyes as I ran one of my hands through his hair while I traced the fingers of the other over his cheeks, his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his chin and, finally, his lips.

"So you really are here," I whispered. "I was afraid I might be daydreaming."

"Do you do that often?" he asked softly. "I thought it was just me."

He opened his eyes then and caught my wrist in his hand, holding my fingers against his lips. He kissed my fingers and then moved my hand to my lips, pulling me close to him with his other arm. I sighed as my body came into contact with his. It was all I could do not to use the hand still wrapped in his soft, golden hair to pull down his head and let our lips collide. I couldn't remember a time when I wanted to kiss someone more than I did Jasper at that moment.

I felt his hand release my wrist and his fingers moved over my face, exploring it much the same way I explored his. It was my turn to close my eyes and give myself over to feeling his cool, smooth fingers glide over my skin. I placed my free hand against his chest, thrilling at the feel of his well-defined pectorals beneath my fanned out fingers. I moved my other hand through his hair, down his neck, over his broad shoulder and down his arm, allowing it to rest above his elbow, wrapped around his bicep.

I inhaled deeply and my senses were flooded with a heady combination of his usual incredible spicy aroma along with the smell of fresh rain and the forest. I swayed slightly and I felt his arm muscles flex beneath my hand in response to my need for additional support. I heard a quiet moan, only partially understanding that I had been the one to make it.

His fingers, finished with the exploration of my face, settled beneath my chin and lifted my head. I opened my eyes again to stare deeply into his. I saw his head dip and a panicked momentarily, unsuccessfully trying to pull away. He continued his tight hold, not allowing me to move.

"Shhhh," he whispered, shaking his head so lightly it was almost imperceptible, his eyes silently reassuring, asking me to trust him. He lowered his face so that our cheeks brushed against one another, his lips settling at my jaw bone. He placed a feather light kiss there. It felt cool and soft, like a landing of a snowflake. My head rolled to the side as my neck muscles refused to keep it upright. His lips moved higher, leaving a trail of barely-there kisses until he reached my earlobe, which he briefly sucked between his lips before whispering in my ear, his gentle breath causing my whole body to shudder.

"I want to kiss you so much, Bella, it's taking every ounce of strength I have to refrain. But soon, Darlin', very soon, I will be back a free man, and then nothing and no one is going to come between us."

My eyes were closed again and I was relying on him entirely to remain upright. I felt like I was floating in a dream. His promise didn't feel real. I couldn't let it feel real. As much as I wanted to believe that this incredible man actually wanted me, I knew I could not allow myself to do so. It was easier this way, convincing myself that his words were products of my imagination. This way, if something went wrong and he never returned from his meeting with Alice, I could just blame foolish dreams. I wouldn't have to face the fact that once again I had allowed myself to believe in the impossible.

Jasper reacted to the slackening in my body by pulling me even tighter against him, nearly lifting me off the floor. He backed up, taking me with him until he reached the edge of my bed. Slipping his free arm beneath my knees he lifted me as he sat down, cradling me to him and settling me in his lap. I moved both of my arms up, twining my fingers together behind his neck, and pressed my face into his chest. There was nothing I could say. I simply channeled all of my love and desire towards him, knowing he would be able to feel the emotions I could not verbalize.

We sat together silently for a long time, neither one of us wanting to interrupt this perfect moment. Then I heard the telephone ringing downstairs, and I instantly sat up straighter, straining to hear what was going on. It was highly unusual for anyone to call this late in the evening, and typically a late call like this meant an emergency.

Sensing a shift in my mood, Jasper released me and I scrambled off his lap to move towards the door. I looked back and saw a scowl cross Jasper's face.

"It's nothing alarming, Bella," he said in a low voice.

Then we both heard Charlie bellow "Bella, Mike's on the phone!"

_Mike? What in the world could Mike possibly need to call me about tonight of all nights? _I mentally cursed Mike and every deity I could think of for their cruel sense of timing. Shooting Jasper an apologetic glace over my shoulder and whispering "I'd better get that," I opened the door and went downstairs. Charlie was in the living room, holding out the cordless phone.

"Hi Mike," I tried to sound natural as I retreated back upstairs into my room, "What's up?" I closed the door behind me and sat down next to Jasper. I knew he would be able to hear both parts of the conversation no matter where I was in the house, and I wanted to be near him so I could watch his reaction.

"Hey, Bella," Mike's voice was cautious, tentative, "I, um, I just wanted to apologize for earlier, for leaving without saying goodbye."

_This? This was the reason he had to call tonight? _He had nothing to apologize for. I was the one who behaved like a jerk, forgetting to say goodbye or even to thank him for taking me out until it was almost too late. I looked at Jasper, whose face was suddenly completely devoid of expression.

"Oh," I didn't know how to respond. "Don't worry about it. I was in such a hurry, I left without saying goodbye either." I cringed, shooting Jasper silent apology. I would make this call as short as possible, but I couldn't just hang up on Mike.

"So you're not mad at me, then?" Mike asked.

Jasper scowled.

"No, not at all. I didn't even give it a second thought," I said. _And please, please, please get to the point so I can get off the phone!_

"Okay . . . " he was still hesitant. "Good. 'Cause, you know, at the restaurant you were . . . I don't know. I thought we were having fun and then something happened . . . And I had no idea what. And then it felt like you just couldn't wait to get away . . . and I kind of lost it and got stupid, you know?"

I had no idea what he meant. I tried to think to what happened earlier. I said I had to leave for La Push and we all left the restaurant. End of story. We didn't say goodbye but that was all. I would hardly count that as 'losing it'.

"Mike," I let a little of my exasperation seep into my voice, "I have no clue what you're talking about. I mean, I accept your apology, but you really have nothing to apologize for. Until you called I thought everything was fine."

He was silent. _Great! How the hell am I going to get him off the phone if he doesn't talk?_

"Mike? You still there?" I asked, trying not to sound annoyed.

"Yeah,' he said. He sounded kind of sad. _He's being played like a piano._ I heard Jake's voice echoing in my head. I had to put a stop to it, right now.

"Mike, listen, I think that maybe all this work on the project this week gave you and some other people the wrong idea. I'm sorry if you thought . . ."

"I didn't," he hastily interrupted. "I didn't think anything."

I pressed my free hand tightly over my eyes. Of course he somehow got the wrong idea. I could hear it in his voice. And I had been completely oblivious to it.

"Look, I'm really sorry if I wasn't clear this week, if I did anything to make you . . . I meant everything I said last week, Mike. I'm just not ready right now . . ."

_Shit!_ I looked at Jasper's pained expression and I knew he wanted me to be more definite. He wanted me to tell Mike there was never going to be anything between us. But I couldn't go that far. Because really, how could I hope to win against Alice, who hadn't even been bothered enough by me to come back to Forks to fight for her mate, choosing instead to wait for him to return to her? And if I couldn't be with Jasper, then why couldn't I get a chance to see if I could make this human relationship with Mike work? Why couldn't I leave that possibility open? I didn't want Mike now, I knew that, and if Jasper came back there would be plenty of time to make that clear. But I needed a little more time to know exactly where I stood, because no matter what Jasper whispered in my ear, the future was still far from certain.

"No," Mike protested, "You didn't do anything. And I didn't think . . ." he cursed quietly, "I don't know what I was thinking. I know nothing's changed. It's just that, like I said, at the restaurant, it felt like I did something wrong, like maybe you changed your mind about even wanting to be friends."

That statement hurt. Whatever else happened or didn't happen between us, I didn't want to lose Mike's friendship.

"I thought we said we'd stay friends no matter what," I said slowly.

"We did . . . Okay, you know what? I'm just being stupid. I don't know what the hell got into me tonight. Clearly I got some wires crossed somewhere. Just forget I called, okay? Let's just pretend this never happened."

"Sure," I said, but I didn't really know how that was possible.

"And we're still on for the bonfire Saturday, right? Just as friends?"

I shot Jasper a panicked look. I completely forgot about the bonfire. With Laurent still on the loose, I couldn't very well hang out so close to the forest in a place where Jasper couldn't protect me.

"Um, actually . . ." before I could say any more I felt Jasper's hand squeezing my arm. I looked at him and he mouthed 'say yes', his eyes suddenly very intense. I scrunched up my eyebrows in shock, forming a 'what?' with my lips.

'Say. Yes.' he mouthed again, very deliberately, then nodded his head to emphasize his point. I didn't know what this was all about, but I trusted Jasper. "Actually, yes, I was . . ." I looked at Jasper again. He was still nodding, his face tight with stress. "I was looking forward to it," I choked out.

Mike didn't seem to notice anything odd about the tone of my voice.

"Good," he said. "All right, then. I'll pick you up Saturday at 3:00. We're all going early to hang out at the beach and go hiking before the fire starts."

"Three," I said, trying to keep the shock out of my voice, "that sounds good."

"Okay, then. See you tomorrow at school. Good night, Bella."

"Good night." I clicked the off button and turned to Jasper. Why would he deliberately tell me to spend an entire Saturday afternoon and night with Mike at La Push? This didn't make any sense at all.

Instead of answering my unspoken question, he posed on of his own "It's about time for you to be getting ready for bed, isn't it?"

Confused, I nodded.

"Then please take the phone back, tell Charlie about Saturday, and then get ready for bed. I promise I'll explain when you return."

I looked at him carefully, wondering if I should argue and insist that he tell me what was going on immediately, but I decided it wasn't worth it. Jasper never kept things from me. I knew he wasn't stalling for time, hoping I would forget to ask later. He had simply determined that what he needed to tell me would take more time than we had right now. I sighed and walked over to my dresser, reaching into the top drawer to pull out my nightclothes and toiletries. I dropped them off in the bathroom before heading downstairs to put back the phone.

"A bunch of us are going to a bonfire at First Beach Saturday," I told Charlie. "That's okay, right?"

"Are you going with Mike?"

_Not this again! _

"Mike's driving me there, but we're going with a bunch of people, just as friends. Really, Dad, can you drop this whole Mike thing? It's getting old! We. Are. Not. Going. Out. If that ever changes, I'll issue a bulletin. But until then, I really don't want to hear it. Okay?"

Charlie looked a bit taken aback.

"Well, I didn't realize you felt so strongly about it."

_Ugh! I must have asked him a thousand times to stop! Grrrr. _

"I do. I feel very strongly about it. So do we have a deal?"

"Sure, kid," he said reluctantly. "I'll quit pestering you. It's just . . .:"

"I know," I interrupted him. "I know you're worried about me since Edward left and I know you think Mike is a nice guy from a good family. I know all that. But please, stop."

" All right," he said. "I'll stop. And I'm sorry. Maybe I should have been a little more sensitive before."

I sighed and leaned over the couch to give him a quick hug.

"It's all right, Dad. Just don't do it any more. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Bells. Sleep well."

I went back upstairs and got ready for bed in the bathroom. I looked down at my sweat pants and t-shirt. It wasn't exactly a glamorous look. Not something you chose to wear when you were competing for the affections of an unbelievably gorgeous and sexy vampire. I could only imagine the kinds of outfits Alice . . . I stopped myself mid thought. Of course, Alice never needed to sleep, so any outfits she wore to bed would have had an entirely different purpose. Images of her little pixie body clad in every outfit in the Victoria's Secret catalog flooded my mind. How the heck could I compete with that? Even wearing the very same clothes it would be no contest, and dressed as I was right now there was absolutely no hope.

I sat on the edge of the tub and rested my face in my hands, trying hard not to cry. Jasper said that he was connected to me intellectually and emotionally, and I just had to believe that this was enough to trump physical attraction. But would he actually remember that when he came face to face with his beautiful mate? All I could do was have faith in him and hope for the best. I took a deep breath, gathered up my toiletries and day clothes, and headed back to the bedroom. This time, I didn't bother to turn off the lights. We had important things to discuss and, at least for the first topic, my need to see him was more important than feeling less self-conscious about my own appearance.

Jasper was sitting on the edge of my bed, waiting for my return. I closed the bedroom door, put away my toiletries in the dresser, threw my dirty clothes into the hamper and sat down beside him.

"We need to talk about Mike," I said.

"I know. I'm sorry about earlier. I may have been a little . . . crabby?"

I smiled. "Yeah. Maybe just a bit. But seriously, you know how I feel about you, Jasper. I think about you all the time! It's quite a distraction, actually. Maybe that's why I don't always notice stuff going on around me."

His face clouded.

"I had no idea about the rumors going around school until Angela told me today. I'm so sorry you had to listen to that all week. You should have told me."

He shook his head. "The rumors weren't your fault and I knew there was no truth behind them. I didn't want you to feel like you were doing anything wrong, because you weren't. I knew if I told you you'd react exactly like this, like it was somehow your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for things other people do."

"But you were hurting!" I exclaimed. "And maybe there was something I could have done to stop it. You would have done that for me."

He reached over and covered my hand with his.

"This is enough, Darlin'. To know that you would have tried to stop it if you could is enough. And I already knew that. Besides, I'm not so fragile that the speculations of human teenagers can really hurt me."

I sighed. "You weren't so reasonable a few hours ago."

He chuckled. "Well, as you so rightly pointed out, I was thirsty, and frustrated about Laurent. And I have to admit, seeing Mike touch you and knowing what he was feeling when he did . . ."

"Stop!" I said forcefully. "I really don't want to know what Mike was feeling. Too much information. As long as he doesn't act on those feelings I don't care and I don't want to know."

"I'm just trying to explain why . . ."

"You don't have to explain. I understand. And I'll try to be more careful, watch where I'm going."

He swore quietly. "Could you please forget I ever said that? I mean it when I say that none of this is your fault. It's not even the kid's fault," he sighed. "I mean, who in their right mind wouldn't be thrilled to spend time with you? And he doesn't know about me so it's not like he's intentionally trying to step on someone else's turf," he stood up and walked a few steps, facing away from me. "I just wish I was free already, so we could tell everyone about us. I want everyone to know you're mine. Then I'd actually have a reason to crush Newton if he started getting too fresh with you."

"Okay, first of all, he wasn't fresh. He saved me from a fall. And second, you don't have to crush anyone."

I walked up to him and placed my hands on his shoulders, pressing my forehead to his back. "Jasper, you know exactly how I feel about you. There's nothing Mike or anyone else can do that would make me feel differently. Only one person can make me feel differently about you, and that's you.

"Now, I would be lying if I didn't admit that you being so possessive of me wasn't flattering in a way, or that jealousy didn't make you extremely sexy."

His back straightened a little at that.

"Yeah?" he asked, surprised, still turned away from me. "Sexy, huh?" his voice seemed to drop an octave for the last two words. I giggled.

"Definitely sexy," I confirmed. "But," I turned serious again, "it's also a little scary and totally uncalled for.

"I know things are different in the vampire world. You don't interact with a lot of other vampires outside of the coven, and within a coven you're pretty much all mated siblings, so there are no inappropriate feelings. But I'm human, surrounded by a sea of other humans, many of whom will have feelings about me that are probably very inappropriate. And if you couldn't feel what they were feeling it wouldn't matter, because the only thing that matters is what they choose to do about those feelings.

"Now, I understand why it's difficult for you to ignore these feelings, but you have to try. Mike is a teenage boy and he's bound to have some inappropriate feelings about me and a lot of other girls too, I bet. Humans do that. I'm sure you've felt some of the inappropriate feelings I've had about you . . . "

He turned around and looked down at me with a small smile that traveled all the way to his eyes, which suddenly seemed smokier than before.

"I may have felt some things from you, Darlin', but I'm not sure I would have classified them as inappropriate."

_Ugh! Sexy melting butter voice was back, and right during a serious conversation! Stop thinking about the voice. Focus!_

"Jasper, listen to me. What I'm saying is that you can't physically threaten every guy who touches me or who has inappropriate feelings about me. If you do, then I won't be able to have any male friends, and that's not fair. I care about you, very much, you know exactly how much, but you can't ask me to give up my friends for you."

For a moment he was lost in thought, considering what I said.

"I'm sorry, Darlin'. You do provoke a strong possessive response in me. I'd like to think it's all just talk, that I wouldn't actually harm anyone . . ."

"Even the words scare me a little, Jasper," I said quietly.

He was silent a while longer.

"All right. I don't think I can stop feeling jealous and possessive of you, but I will try not to say anything and I definitely will not harm anyone unless they're a danger to you. Will that do?"

I smiled. I knew this was the best I could hope for and it was more than I had expected him to commit to tonight.

"That's perfect, Jasper," I said. "And now, will you please explain to me why, even though earlier you wanted to rip his arms off for saving me from some serious pain, you now want me to spend an entire afternoon and evening with Mike Newton in the one place where you cannot protect me from Laurent?

Jasper's face turned serious in an instant.

"I think Charlie will make his way upstairs before this conversation is over, so why don't we turn out the lights and continue this talk in bed?"

**

* * *

**

If you'd like to hear the song that inspired the title of this chapter, check out the link in my profile.

**I had to stop the chapter here in order to meet the Sunday posting deadline. And, unfortunately, this week will be a busy one so I may not be able to post another update until Friday. I will try, but no guarantees. Sometimes life gets in the way of fun.**

**However, I did post Jasper's point of view for Chapter 30 as a separate M rated story called "Of Vampires and Women". You can find the link in the "My Stories" section of my profile. The M rating is for language and adult themes - not graphic Lemons! Sorry to all my Teen readers, but inside his head Jasper is just not a T-rated guy. **

**You know I love feedback, so please review! Thanks!**


	35. Chapter 35: Here In Your Arms

**As always, thanks to the wonderful ladies who keep me sane by reading my chapters before I post them here! You all know who you are and how much I appreciate your help!**

**Thanks also to every reader and, especially, every reviewer. I don't write this story for the reviews, but feedback is a very inspirational thing! **

**If you'd like to read Chapter 30 of this story from Jasper's POV, part 1 of that chapter is now posted as a separate M rated story called **_**'Of Vampires and Women'. **_**You can find a link in my profile.**

**And you have until Sunday to vote for Golden Moon as the best non-canon couple in the Twi-Fi Awards. The link for the voting page is on my profile too (to go to the profile just click on the story author's name – NusiainForks). Thanks!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 35: Here (In Your Arms)

My curiosity truly piqued, I walked over to the bed and sat down on one side with my back against the headboard. Jasper frowned slightly.

"Don't you want to get comfortable under the quilt, Darlin'?" he asked.

"Nope. If I lie down I'll be tempted to close my eyes and then I might fall asleep, and you said this was serious, so for now I'll just stay right as I am, thanks."

He shrugged and then nearly instantly turned off the lights and sat beside me. Given the limited amount of space on my twin size bed, our shoulders, arms and legs were right next to each other, touching.

"So, you were going to tell me why someone who claims to be very possessive and jealous and won't let me out of his sight because there's a dangerous vampire in the vicinity, wants me to spend my day at the one place where he can't protect me, and with another guy to boot."

Jasper sighed. "I know it sounds pretty irrational, but there's a good explanation."

"I can't wait to hear it."

"How much do you know about Carlisle's history with the Quileutes?"

I frowned. I knew only what Jacob had told me earlier this year on First Beach and, at the time, I wasn't paying too much attention to any information that didn't directly involve Edward.

"Do you know about the treaty?" Jasper prompted.

"Yes!" I was happy I remembered something. "Carlisle made a treaty with Jake's great grandfather that as long as the Cullens stayed off the reservation and didn't hunt humans, the Quileutes would not reveal that the Cullens were vampires."

"That's right. Now, do you know how the Quileutes knew that Carlisle and his coven were vampires?"

"Not really. I always assumed the Quileutes saw Carlisle hunting."

"That may well have been the case, but hunting animals is not in and of itself a suspect activity. Humans hunt animals, after all. Even drinking the blood of the animal you hunt is not unheard of in certain cultures, especially the Native American cultures. So our hunting habit would not, in and of itself, reveal us as anything but human."

I thought about what he said and it made sense. So there had to be another way for the Quileutes to know. I tried to concentrate on Jacob's story from last spring, hoping I could retrieve something helpful. I wished I had paid better attention. I was getting really frustrated.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I just don't remember everything that Jake said. All I can remember is something about the tribe descending from wolves."

"Did he mention that it was more than just being descendents of wolves?"

I arched my eyebrow. What was he getting at?

"I'm really not sure. I just don't remember," I thought hard again. A distant memory was tugging at me now. Something Jacob had said about The Cold Ones being enemies of the wolf. No. Enemies of men who turned into wolves. My eyes opened wide at the suddenly clear recollection. "Werewolves!" I exclaimed, "Jacob said his ancestors were werewolves! And that vampires and werewolves were natural enemies."

I turned to look at Jasper. His face, pale and slightly luminescent, was easier to see than the rest of the room, though in the dark even his features took on a grainier black-and-white movie quality. I was looking for any sign that my inferences were wrong, but all I found in his face was confirmation.

"Jasper, are you trying to tell me that Jacob's great grandfather was a werewolf? That he knew Carlisle and his family were vampires because they were natural enemies?" My voice trembled a little. I had a bad feeling that I already knew the answer, but wasn't really sure I wanted to hear it.

Jasper took my hand and intertwined our fingers, squeezing reassuringly.

"Yes, Bella, Ephraim Black, and other warriors of his tribe, were werewolves."

I gasped. My head was spinning with information that made no sense. My acceptance of the existence of vampires had been easy, almost too easy, but it had taken up all of my capacity to believe in the world of supernatural beings. There was no room for werewolves, warlocks, elves, centaurs, unicorns or any other mythical creatures. As I started to imagine the possibility of a world populated by these mythical others, a world where humans were just one of many, perhaps even a minority of species, and certainly the most vulnerable, the sheer terror of my thoughts overwhelmed me and my breaths started coming in short, uneven bursts.

Jasper released my hand so that he could wrap his arm around me. Then, in one fluid movement, he lifted me, shifted his body to the center of the bed and positioned me between his now opened legs, his arms wrapped tightly and protectively around my midsection, his lips next to my ear whispering calming words of comfort.

"What is this place, Jasper?" I asked when I finally trusted myself to speak. My voice still trembled a little. "How is it possible that werewolves and vampires both existed here, in Forks?"

Jasper sighed.

"I don't have the answers for you, Bella, except to tell you that not everything in the world is as it seems, and that some human legends really do have basis in fact. Many Native American tribes have legends about being descendant from spirits of animals. We don't know if any of the other legends are true, but we knew that back when Carlisle first settled in Forks at least some of the Quileutes had the ability to shift from human to wolf form, and that their wolf form was much more powerful than that of regular wolves, powerful enough to kill vampires."

I gasped again.

"So that's why Carlisle made the treaty? To make sure the werewolves didn't kill anyone in his coven?"

"As you know, Carlisle's nature is that of a peace maker, so he probably would have tried to negotiate a treaty even if there was no threat, but I'm sure the possibility of one of his family being injured or killed in a battle with the werewolves occurred to him and helped him make the decision. And we have all honored the terms of the treaty ever since, never venturing on Quileute land."

I didn't speak, my mind working furiously to make sense of the information Jasper gave me tonight. It was just too much! Then, just when I thought I couldn't handle any more, another thought occurred to me. Everything Jasper was telling me was in the past, but the original conversation was about the bonfire at First Beach Saturday. And suddenly I knew that the old stories were not confined to the past. That somehow the past had seeped into my modern day life once again.

"So what does all this have to do with Saturday and Mike?"

Jasper growled menacingly and then immediately apologized when he felt my shiver of fear.

"I'm so sorry, Darlin'," he whispered. "I'm going to work on that, but it might take me a little while to develop sufficient control."

I nodded. "It's okay, Jasper," I said, "I know it must be difficult for you to have to suppress yet another instinct."

Jasper let out a heavy sigh. Then, pressing his nose against my hair, he inhaled deeply and sighed again. He inhaled once more, this time emitting a low, satisfied purr. "It's a constant struggle," he finally admitted, "but you're worth it."

I melted against him, pressing my back even closer to his chest and moving my head slightly so that our cheeks brushed against one another, provoking a heavy sigh of my own. I closed my eyes, reveling in the sensations that were taking over my body which, I was certain, was slowly liquefying. My previous feelings of terror were momentarily forgotten as I became awash in pure deliciousness and my imagination was flooded with images of Jasper's hands, shifting from their comforting position around my stomach to explore the rest of my body, his cool fingers touching and teasing.

I heard him groan behind me.

"Darlin' . . ." his voice was strained and pleading as he loosened his hold and shifted my body, still keeping me in front of him but leaving a distance between us. "Bella, have mercy, please. I don't know how much self control I actually have, but we're pushing at the limits, and I know we're nowhere near ready for the consequences if I were to lose it. I can't believe I'm even asking this, but may I please . . ." he hesitated, and I could tell it was taking a lot out of him to vocalize the question, "May I please try to calm you a little?"

I stiffened. I couldn't believe I had been so selfish, so self-absorbed in my own fantasies that I completely failed to consider the effect my feelings would have on him. My complete mortification effectively extinguished all inappropriately lustful thoughts and feelings.

"I think . . ." I spoke cautiously, trying to ensure the accuracy of my statement before I even said it, "I think I got it, Jasper. I'm okay now. I am so sorry. I wasn't thinking. And if you still need to . . . of course you should."

I wanted desperately to look back at him, but I couldn't look him in the eye. I had been in this position before: the much too overeager human testing the self control of a vampire. It seemed some things never changed.

"You don't have to apologize, Bella. It's all right. It's just that whatever it was you were thinking about made you release really powerful emotions, and when those combined with what I was already feeling, it was, well, it was a little overwhelming. But I'm fine now. The control is back. Apparently both yours and mine," He chuckled, then stopped abruptly. "Charlie is about to come upstairs. Maybe you should lie down, just in case?"

He shifted from behind me, got up and walked to stand behind the door. I slipped under my quilt and pretended to sleep. I forced myself to breathe evenly as I waited to see if Charlie would check on me before he went to bed. After a few minutes, Jasper came back to sit on the bed beside me. "Guess he wasn't too worried about you tonight," he said.

"Good," I sat up again. "Now maybe you can finally tell me what werewolves have to do with Mike."

He looked a bit pained.

"Saturday night, after I dropped you off at your house, I went hunting."

"Do you do that every night?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"Most nights. I try to hunt nightly because of the training, so I'm not thirsty during the day. Plus, the hunt gets out some of my natural aggression. It's been beneficial.

"Anyway, as I was saying, Saturday night I was hunting and I ran into a strange scent. I followed it to the Quileute border and that's when I saw them, a pack of 4 werewolves."

I gasped and looked at him in alarm. Did he really just tell me, cool as a cucumber, that a few days ago he ran into a pack of his only natural enemies? A pack of 4 werewolves? Just a few miles away from Forks?

"You just followed a strange scent alone? What if they'd attacked you? Hurt you?"

"Bella," he sighed, "I wish you'd have a little more faith in me. I didn't exactly walk into the situation blind. Believe me, I thoroughly evaluated the danger before I proceeded. Even without any battle skills, my ability to control their moods would have been sufficient to keep me safe. When I saw them I simply assured them that I intended to comply with the treaty and their pack leader indicated that they would do the same.

"After I saw the werewolves, I continued with my hunt and came across Laurent's scent. And then I had no time to do anything else – my sole focus was to get over here and make sure you were safe. Once I got here and made certain that the house was secure, I had a lot of time to think. I knew you were planning to go to La Push for brunch, and I seriously considered asking you to change your plans, to pretend to get sick or do anything to get out of going to the one place where I could not follow. But then I realized that the reservation was actually a very safe place for you. The werewolves guard the reservation against vampires. So I knew that even thought I couldn't be with you, you would be protected in La Push."

"And that's why you told me to see Jake tonight?" I was finally starting to understand.

"Yes, Darlin'," he reached for my hand, lifted it to his lips and kissed the top. He didn't let go as he continued to speak. "I was desperate to see you, but I couldn't risk it without hunting first, and I could not leave you unprotected to hunt. So the only solution was to send you back to La Push. I'm sorry I couldn't explain before, but I figured I needed to deliver this sort of information in person."

I leaned over to rest my head on his shoulder. There were werewolves at La Push. Werewolves who, apparently, were no threat to me, and who would keep me safe from Laurent. Werewolves who, given half the chance, would love to sink their teeth into Jasper. I shuddered. Then another alarming question occurred to me.

"If Jacob's great-grandfather was a werewolf, is Jake a werewolf too?"

Jasper frowned. "I don't think so. I can't be sure, of course, because we don't really know how the whole werewolf thing works. Until I saw them Saturday night, we had all assumed the werewolves died with Ephraim Black and his contemporaries. But you said you and Jake talked about me and his biggest concern was that I was Edward's brother and wasn't single. I have to believe that if he were a werewolf and knew I was a Vampire, those other concerns would be inconsequential compared with the concern about my true nature."

Relief flooded through me. I didn't know if I could handle having a werewolf as a best friend. And then I was afraid again. Afraid for Jasper. He must have sensed it, because he responded immediately.

"It's all right, Bella. As long as I respect the treaty there is nothing for me to fear from the werewolves. And if Laurent steps foot on the reservation they might actually do me a favor by killing him. Werewolves are dangerous when they shift from human to wolf form, but as long as you're not near one as he's phasing, you should be fine. And I don't expect any of them will be phasing in public. I don't think they want strangers to know about them any more than we want people to know about us."

"So Saturday you're sending me to La Push so you can hunt again?"

"In a manner of speaking." He kissed my hand again and turned to look into my eyes. Even in the near darkness his gold eyes sparkled. "Last Sunday I promised you I would call in Emmett if I didn't take care of the Laurent situation in a week. My time is up Saturday night and, so far, the coward has refused to come to me. So Saturday, while you're at La Push, I will find him and finish this once and for all."

I shuddered again.

"Darlin'," he chastised, "Where is all that confidence you used to have in me? I thrived on that. I still need that."

I looked back into his eyes and turned towards him, placing my free hand on his cheek.

"Just because I worry about you doesn't mean that I don't have faith and confidence in you," I said. "I just don't want you to get hurt defending me."

"I'll be fine, Bella, I promise. I don't take unnecessary chances. I have a very important reason to stay safe – my future with you."

I blushed. Sometimes the things he said were almost enough to really make me hope and believe. But then I remembered how dangerous that was and how vulnerable it made me, and the realist in me took over.

I glanced at the clock and realized that it was quite late. I yawned. I knew I would pay the price tomorrow, but I wasn't ready to give up my time with Jasper yet. However, I decided that there was no harm in lying down, so I slid my body down the bed. He followed my lead and lay down beside me.

"I'm really glad you hunted tonight," I whispered. "I was going crazy from not being able to see you and touch you."

He turned to lie on his left side and started moving his right hand up and down my right arm.

"I know, Darlin'. I felt the same way. You're gorgeous from afar, of course, but nothing compares to being next to you, feeling the warmth of your skin, smelling the sweet air you exhale as you whisper. I can never get enough of you, Bella. You're absolutely perfect."

I sighed and turned to my side, facing away from him. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good, but allowing myself to believe him was far too dangerous. Images of Alice on the Victoria's Secret runway flashed again in my brain.

I felt Jasper move closer to me, fitting his body around mine.

"You're wrong, you know," Jasper said as he continued to run his fingers lightly up and down my arm.

"Wrong about what?" I asked.

"Wrong to feel inferior in any way. Wrong to feel like you can't compete. Wrong to feel unattractive."

"What. . ." my voice broke. "What are you talking about?"

"I sensed all those feelings earlier when you were in the bathroom and I know you're starting to feel the same way again. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm spying on you, but I can't help noticing."

I sighed. "It's okay, Jasper. I know I can't hide these kinds of things from you."

"Well, for once I'm glad I know what you're feeling and that I'm here, because I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. You don't need to compete with anyone. You've already won, at least when it comes to me. I find you absolutely amazing in every possible way."

"Jasper," I complained, "I know we have some things in common and you like talking and spending time with me, but I'm just an average human girl."

Jasper growled.

"There is nothing average about you. I can't think of anyone more remarkable than you."

I sighed again. I appreciated what he was saying, but I knew Alice, and I knew I just didn't measure up. Jasper growled again.

"Bella, I'm not Edward. I've been around longer and I am far more experienced. In some ways I wish I wasn't, because I know you would feel more comfortable if we were on a more even footing, but then I know some day we'll both appreciate how helpful my experience will be,"

I blushed at the suggestive nature of his statement, but I couldn't deny that a part of me was absolutely thrilled by the implication.

"But believe me, Darlin'," he continued, "no woman, human or vampire, has ever done what you do to me without even trying."

I couldn't help snorting in disbelief at his last statement. I was the most inexperienced, the most innocent human around. I was 18 and had never even been kissed by someone of my own species. My chaste kisses with Edward had been the extent of my experience. What could someone like me possibly do to someone like Jasper?

His hand stopped moving and his fingers curled around my upper arm.

"Damn it, Bella, why aren't you listening to me? Why don't you believe me?" He sounded so frustrated. I didn't know how to respond, didn't know how to make myself believe things that were impossible.

"Oh, hell," he said suddenly, snaking his arm around my waist and pulling me tight against him. "Do you feel that, little girl?" he hissed. "That's what you do to me without even trying!"

I gasped in surprise at his actions and then gasped again as I felt and fully understood what he meant. I pulled away as quickly as I could, knowing that my face, neck and probably the rest of my body were quickly being covered with a fierce blush.

"Jasper!" I exclaimed.

He had pulled away from me as well, as much as my small bed would allow.

"I know, I know," his voice was filled with remorse. "That was completely improper and offensive. I'm sorry. It's just that you weren't listening to anything I said and I thought maybe if I showed you. . . But that was wrong. I know it was wrong . . . Do you want me to leave?"

I turned around, careful to focus my eyes on his face and not let them wonder downward.

"No," I said. "Of course I don't want you to leave. And I'm sorry if being around me causes you . . . discomfort."

He groaned at my choice of words.

"Like I said before, you're worth it."

"I didn't realize, Jasper. I probably should have, but I've never, you know, I just don't have enough experience . . . I never thought . . ."

"I know, Darlin'. And there's no reason why you should have even thought about it. I'm too damn old to be reacting like this, like a freakin' teenager. I should be more in control. But that is the effect you have on me. You and only you."

I felt absolutely awful for making him feel like he wasn't in control in any way. My face must have betrayed some of my guilt.

"Don't worry about it, Bella. Don't worry about me. I can handle it. And I can wait until the time is right for us. Until you're ready. But I hate it when you're insecure, when you doubt yourself, when you question your exceptional qualities. . ."

I buried my face in my pillow. When he said it like that, I sounded like quite the basket case. And I wasn't. Not really. Except when it came to him, and Alice and vampires in general. But what human could measure herself against the beautiful immortals and come out ahead?

I felt him stroking my hair, his fingers weaving themselves in on upward strokes and curling on the way down. I really loved this sensation. I turned my head slightly, so I could see him out of the corner of my left eye.

"I don't think that I will ever be completely secure until I know you've seen Alice and that your relationship is over. Because even if I let myself believe everything you say, I know things may change once you actually see her. Alice is so wonderful and she loves you so much. How will you be able to resist that?"

I saw his lips open in response but I shook my head.

"Don't say anything, Jasper. It won't make a difference. This cannot be resolved with words, only time. For now, I just want to focus on being with you for as long as I have you, okay?"

He nodded and pulled closer to me again. I turned onto my left side and we resumed our previous position, his right arm wrapped possessively around me.

"Good night, Jasper," I murmured, suddenly extremely sleepy.

"Good night, Darlin'," he said, his lips brushing my ear. As I drifted off to sleep, I heard the faint sounds of a new lullaby.

_Don't ask me  
What you know is true  
Don't have to tell you  
I love your precious heart  
I . . . . . . . I was standing  
You were there  
Two worlds collided  
And they could never tear us apart _

**

* * *

**

The title of this chapter comes from a fun little song by Hellogoodbye which is almost perfect for this night (listen to the lyrics and you'll understand). The lullaby is "Never Tear Us Apart" by INXS. You can find links to both songs (as well as all other songs mentioned in this story) in my profile.

**I have to admit I loved writing this chapter. Please review to let me know what you think!**


	36. Chapter 36: Cry Wolf

**My huge thanks to BBwhisperer for her help in helping me work out the timeline of events at the bonfire. And, as always, a big thanks to all the readers and reviewers. I am just completely overwhelmed by your kind comments and support of this story. **

**I should also mention that I do not mind at all anyone pointing out errors (spelling, grammar or other.) In fact, I appreciate the help! But if you do notice something, please be specific. If I could have picked them out myself, I would have done so before I uploaded the chapter in the first place. I know it's hard to believe sometimes, but I do try to edit these before I post them here.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 36: Cry Wolf

I woke up the next morning to the feel of Jasper hovering above me, his nose moving slowly against mine in a sweet Eskimo kiss. Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty had nothing on us! It may not have been a real kiss, but it was a marvelous way to start the day.

As soon as he realized I was awake Jasper moved back to rest on the bed beside me.

"Good morning, sleepyhead. Time to go to school."

I groaned. After staying up too late last night I was tired, and with Jasper beside me the last thing I wanted to do was go to school. I turned to the right to look at him.

"Maybe I could skip school today?"

He chuckled. "What happened to the good girl Bella Swan, the police chief's daughter? I can't believe she would ever even think about ditching school. Besides, how long do you think it would take the school to call and alert Charlie if you actually did skip?"

He was right and he knew it. I really didn't have any options. With an exaggerated sigh, I threw off the quilt and got out of bed, padding over to my dresser to take out something to wear and my toiletries.

"Well, I'm off to have a human moment or two," I said as I turned around, "Will you be here when I get back?"

He was sitting on the edge of my bed, still wearing the all-black outfit from last night that made him look so dangerously sexy.

"Charlie's gone already, so I thought I'd stay and drive part of the way to school with you," he said. "Is that okay?"

"Of course that's okay! It's better than just okay," I smiled. If only every morning could be this good!

I took a couple of steps towards him, placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed with the entire force of my body. Still, I knew it wasn't really my strength or weight, but rather his willingness to play along that caused him to fall back onto the bed, with me hovering above him. Mimicking one of his favorite moves, I pressed my nose against his skin at the point of the V-neck opening of his shirt, inhaling as I moved up over his collar bone, the hard muscle of his neck, the hinge of his jaw bone and up to his ear. As usual, his intensely masculine and unique scent was absolutely heavenly. When I was even with his ear, I exhaled softly through my lips, directing the air across his skin, then inhaled though my nose and whispered "Having you here all morning is fabulous."

I gasped as he wrapped his right arm around me and flipped us over while moving us up on the bed, so that I was lying down fully and he was now the one hovering above me, just as he was when I first woke up. He lowered his head so that the tips of our noses were touching, our eyes locked together. "You're playing with fire this morning, Darlin'," he said softly. "As you already know, when it comes to you my self-control is rather limited. You really shouldn't try to be my Siren. You're not nearly as well protected."

I swallowed at his implication. "I trust you."

"I know you do, Bella. I just hope your trust isn't misplaced."

I turned my head from left to right and then back again, stealing another Eskimo kiss. "It doesn't seem to be this morning," I pointed out. "You're doing just fine."

With a groan he pushed himself back up to a sitting position beside me. "No thanks to you."

I laughed, feeling slightly guilty, but mostly a little smug and heady with power. As often as his actions had elicited strong physical responses from me, it felt great to finally turn the tables. Still, I had probably pushed far enough. Plus, it was really getting late. I rolled off the bed again, grabbed my clothes and toiletries and headed for the bathroom.

"I'll be waiting for you downstairs," I heard him say as I was closing the bathroom door.

I went through my morning routine as quickly as possible, grabbed my book bag and headed downstairs, where I downed a quick glass of orange juice and snagged a granola bar to eat in the car on the way to school. I wished I could stop time to spend just a little bit longer with Jasper, but not having any super powers, I had to resign myself to the reality that our interlude together was almost over. Before we left the house he pulled me into one last prolonged hug. And then we were driving and I was dropping him off a few blocks away from the school parking lot, and my wonderful morning came to a grinding halt.

After such a great beginning, the rest of Friday seemed to drag interminably. Everyone at school was excited about the next day's bonfire, but all I could think about was the danger Jasper would be in, hunting Laurent while we were having fun. I understood why I had to go, of course, but it was impossible to work up the appropriate level of enthusiasm.

Things between Mike and me were strained too. Everything was fine on the surface, but our interaction was a little less than natural. Things simply felt forced. He no longer threw his arm casually around my shoulder as we walked together between classes and at lunch he waited until both seats next to me were taken before joining our table. I was paying more attention now, and I could tell that others took notice. There seemed to be quite a few low, speculative conversations by various groups of people, all sneaking glances in our direction. In a way I was glad. As Jake pointed out, this needed to happen for the good of all involved. But on some level I felt sadness too. Back when I was oblivious to all the gossip and thought that Mike and I were simply good friends, I enjoyed my time in school so much more. He had really made my days manageable. Now it was like something vital had been ripped away again. The reasonable part of me knew it had to be that way, but another part wanted to go back to a time when I was clueless, but happier.

I had no afternoon plans, but I had plenty to do at home, so I didn't mind. First, I gave the house a good scrubbing while doing several loads of laundry. I'd been neglecting housework to spend more time with Jasper and, while Charlie didn't seem to notice, it had been bothering me a bit, so this forced time at home actually worked in my favor. I was done cleaning by the time Charlie came home and we had dinner together in the kitchen, before he retired to watch TV and I went upstairs to work on my history assignment. We were studying ancient cultures and had to design a marketing brochure for one of the Greek City States. The assignment was to market the City State to a particular audience. I had to admit it was a unique and interesting project, but one that would take quite a bit of time, especially using my decrepit computer and dial-up connection. Now that my schedule was so unpredictable, I figured I had better get as much of a head start as I could.

I went to bed a little early, tired from staying up the night before. I called Jasper and we talked about our respective days. He still sounded frustrated at Laurent's absence, but I could tell he was looking forward to his hunt Saturday. He seemed absolutely convinced that he would be able to track and deal with Laurent while I was at First Beach. As much as I wanted him to be right, I was still very concerned about the confrontation. I accepted the fact that Jasper was a skilled fighter and a careful planner and strategist, but this only minimized the risk. It didn't eliminate it. And as long as there was some risk that Jasper would be hurt, I couldn't help but worry.

Saturday morning I slept in for a change. By the time I went downstairs to have breakfast, Charlie was already gone for his weekly fishing excursion with Billy. I grabbed a bowl of cereal for breakfast and ate in the back yard, while talking to Jasper. I couldn't see him, of course, but he could see me, and just knowing that he was out there nearby while we talked made me feel better. I really wished I could see him before I left for the bonfire, but since he hadn't hunted for a couple of days, he didn't trust himself to be around me. I assured him that he would be fine, and I was certain he would have been, but I was unable to convince him.

After breakfast I called Jake to make sure he was going to be at the bonfire. I gave him an update on the situation with Mike and warned him not to freak out that Mike would be the one driving me to and from First Beach.

"He's been fine, Jake, so I don't think it will be a problem, but maybe you could just keep an eye out? Help me out if it looks like I need it?"

"Sure thing, Bells. It's never a hardship keeping an eye on you," I could almost feel him winking at me thought the phone and I giggled in response.

"Behave, you incorrigible flirt! There'll be plenty of girls there for you to lavish your attention on who will actually appreciate it."

"Wow, Bella, you sure know how to cut a guy down. I mean, I know you've got more guys interested in you than you can handle right now, but you don't have to be so dismissive."

I rolled my eyes, hoping he could "see" that as clearly as I "saw" his wink, and laughed. "If I thought for one second that you were being serious I might be a little more sensitive, but as it is I know you're just being a pain. Plus, I know you've got thick skin and an even thicker skull and nothing I say is actually going to hurt you."

Jake let out a short bark of a laugh and we hung up, promising to tease each other mercilessly later. The conversation put me in a good mood and I actually enjoyed the rest of my morning and early afternoon as I worked on various school assignments. As three o'clock approached, however, I started getting more and more worried. By 2:30 I was dressed and ready to go, nervously pacing the living room as I waited for Mike.

My cell phone buzzed and I knew Jasper had felt my tension and was calling to try to calm me down.

"I'm sorry, but I can't stop worrying about you," I said tersely.

"Darlin'," he said patiently, "you're being unreasonable. Today is no different than any other day this week. Laurent could have shown up at any time. There is no additional danger."

I sighed. I knew theoretically he was right, but in my mind there was a difference between waiting to confront Laurent from a well defended position and seeking him out where he could have the element of surprise on his side.

"Bella, you're stressing out for nothing, really. This is a good thing. At least this way he won't be anywhere near Forks. If I manage to find him and confront him, wouldn't you rather that happen far away from the local human population?"

I had to give him that point. I certainly did not want Laurent near anyone who lived in Forks.

"Now, before Mike arrives, can I ask you one favor? When you spoke with him Thursday night he mentioned hiking today. I'd really prefer you not go into the woods, even with a group of people. I don't know how the werewolves work or how many there are, but chances are they will have someone keeping an eye on First Beach. However, they may not have enough members to send lookouts with the hikers as well as keeping someone on the beach and running border patrols."

I shivered at his words. Based on our conversation Thursday night I assumed everyone at La Push would be safe from vampire attacks, but I now realized how foolish that assumption was. With so many more people milling about on the reservation, naturally defenses would be spread thin. I was glad Jasper warned me to stay on the beach, but now I wanted to stop everyone else from hiking as well. I knew Laurent was looking for me specifically, but if he was thirsty and ran across some of my friends? I just had to hope that he wasn't in Forks to hunt anyone but me. It was a surreal hope, to say the least.

"I promise I'll stay on the beach, Jasper."

"Thank you, Darlin'. It will help me to know you're taking every precaution while there."

"Okay, I'll do my best, but you take every precaution too. Don't do anything stupid or too risky just because you don't really want to call Emmett for help. Deal?"

"Yes, Bella, it's a deal. Now, Mike is about 2 blocks away. Time to put away the phone. Call me before you leave the reservation tonight. If I still haven't found Laurent by then I want to be able to follow you home."

My throat tightened. What if something happened and this was our last goodbye?

"I'll see you soon, Darlin'. Trust me, I'll see you soon."

I swallowed as much of my fear and anxiety as I could.

"See you soon, Jasper." I closed the phone and packed it away in my bag just as the doorbell rang.

"Hey, Bella," Mike said after I opened the door. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah," I slung my bag over my shoulder and walked out of the house, locking the door behind me. I got into the passenger seat and buckled in as Mike closed the door and got in on the driver's side. He seemed happier today that yesterday, and that alone put me more at ease. He turned to me with a wide smile.

"So, ready to have some fun on the beach?"

I suppose I could have read more into that if I wanted, but I didn't get a sense that it was anything other than a straightforward question, so I just said "Let's go," and we were on our way.

The drive to First Beach was uneventful. Mike and I mainly talked about the social studies assignment, which he apparently worked on the previous night as well. I was surprised to hear that. I would have imagined a popular guy like him would have been out on a Friday night, but then I knew he wasn't dating anyone, and knowing that we were all going to be busy today maybe a lot of people stayed home to finish their homework last night. In any case, I was glad not to feel like the only nerd of our group, if the subject ever came up.

When we got to First Beach Mike called Tyler and Eric over and the three of them got some rather large coolers and a grill out of the suburban. Mike reached to the back and got out a few blankets and tarps. I grabbed those and we all walked to the beach with our gear.

"You didn't tell me we were supposed to bring stuff," I said to Mike, a bit of accusation in my voice because now I felt like a freeloader who didn't contribute anything to the gathering.

"Hey, it's no big deal. I mean, my parents have all this equipment because of the store, you know. And I always try to spring for a lot of the food and stuff – I save up my allowance. It's easier for me than for a lot of the others." He was clearly embarrassed, looking down at the ground as we walked. I realized that he wasn't always comfortable with being one of the wealthier kids in the school, and I found it sweet and endearing.

"Well, I could have made a potato salad or cole slaw or something," I grumbled, but my voice was no longer resentful, "I'm actually a pretty good cook."

He turned his head slightly and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

"Sorry I didn't say anything, then. I bet your potato salad would have been better than the stuff I picked up at the store. Maybe next time? I'd really love to try it. Or any of your cooking, for that matter." He was embarrassed again, back to looking at the ground, like he'd said too much.

And maybe he had said too much. Inviting him over for a home cooked meal? That had a lot of implications that were beyond the friendship stage where I needed our relationship to be. "Maybe next time," I said. I figured the next bonfire would be in the spring and by then everything would be different.

We greeted the few people who were already there and the boys set up the coolers and grill in an area where others had already set up a make-shift mess hall tent. This was Forks, after all, and we had to be prepared for the weather. I spread out tarps on the sand near the temporary fire pit built out of loose rocks and covered the tarps with a couple of blankets, keeping other blankets in their plastic protectors. I guessed that even with the fire we would need those after dark, when the temperature dropped. Until then, it was a good idea to keep them protected from the elements. As I was working I saw Mike jog back to his car and wheel back a pretty impressive looking music system. I walked over to him just as he was setting it up and plugging in his iPod.

"What is this thing?" I asked.

"It's a party machine on wheels," he said, laughing. "It's an outdoor iPod docking station and a karaoke machine, just in case anyone wants to get really crazy later tonight. Do you sing?"

I scrunched my face in a frown "Usually only under the threat of torture. Do you?"

He looked down, adjusting something on the machine. "Sometimes," he muttered.

He stood up and we joined the rest of the growing crowd. Ben and Angela had arrived and I greeted both of them with hugs. Jessica and Lauren were there as well, along with a bunch of other kids from school. Then, from the edge of the forest I saw Jake walking over with another boy. I squealed and headed over in his direction. I would have run, but I was afraid of stumbling on a rock or root and falling flat on my face, so instead I just walked as quickly as I could. The slower pace gave me a little more time to enjoy the view. Jake and his friend were way too young for me, but I had to admit they were really good looking and buff. Both were wearing jeans and dark T-shirts that stretched impressively over their well developed chests and arms. Jake's long hair hung loose around his face on one side, tucked behind his ear on the other. The other boy's dark hair was closely cropped, a style that suited his open face. I could only imagine how these two would be ogled by the girls from Forks. The boys in our school were nice and some were even very good looking, but none had anything in the physique territory that compared to these two.

When I finally reached Jake I moved to hug him in greeting. He wrapped one arm around my mid-back and swung me around in a circle, laughing at my surprise.

"Put me down, you brute," I said, laughing. He set me back down on the ground. I saw the other boy raise an eyebrow at our display. Jake didn't appear to notice.

"Bella, this is Quil, one of my best friends. Quil, this is Bella Swan."

"Chief Swan's daughter, right?" Quil said, holding out his hand. "I'm Quil Ateara."

I shook his offered hand. His grasp was surprisingly firm and warm. "That's right," I confirmed. "Nice to meet you, Quil. Jake's told me a lot about you," I said with a smile as he released my hand.

Some of his swagger disappeared and he became a little flustered.

"Um, nice to meet you too. Wish I could say Jacob's told me a lot about you, but he apparently likes to keep secrets."

Jake looked at him with surprise and speculation.

"There's nothing to tell. Bella's like one of my sisters and I don't talk to you about them either."

Quil's smile returned. "Like one of your sisters, huh? Sorry, bro, but maybe you should have mentioned the really good looking sister."

I blushed and looked away. Was this boy actually trying to flirt with me right in front of Jake? I saw Jake punch Quil in the ribs, playfully, but not softly. A painful grimace briefly covered Quil's face.

"Watch your mouth, Quil. I know how you think and I wouldn't let you near any of my sisters."

I decided it was time to put a stop to this and re-join the others.

"Okay, boys, enough of the juvenile humor. Let me introduce you to my friends."

We started walking back to the group. I saw Mike watching us speculatively and, even from the distance, I could tell he was frowning.

"Looks like Mike's a little put out," Jake said, softly enough so that Quil wouldn't hear.

"He'll be fine," I responded quietly, but I was frowning as well. I hoped that I was right, but I wasn't entirely convinced.

We finally reached the rest of the group and I went through the introductions. We were also joined by other kids from Forks and La Push. Mike, Tyler and Eric manned the grills and we started taking turns eating as the hamburgers and hot dogs became available. Feeling a little guilty, I drifted over to Mike's side and kept him company while he grilled. We worked together. As one batch of food was ready I took the platters out to the others and brought him a new batch to grill from the coolers. I could tell by the smile on his face that this interaction pleased him, and since all we had time for was a little meaningless banter, I didn't think there was any harm in it. Finally, after everyone had eaten, Mike turned off the grill and grabbed the food I made sure to set aside for him from the last prepared batch.

"You're pretty good at this, Swan," he said as he finished his burger. "We make a great team. We should open a restaurant or something. You make the potato salad and I'll grill."

I couldn't help laughing.

"Right, a short order cook, I'm sure that's exactly the future your folks would want for you."

"Maybe not," he said with a smile, "but they do want to see me happy. And I have a feeling I'd be pretty happy with that arrangement."

I looked away, forcing the smile to stay on my lips even though all feeling of mirth was now gone.

"Yeah, well, I think the restaurant business is a little too risky for me, so I'll go the college and career route."

Mike knew he had overstepped the invisible boundary I tried to set up between us. He didn't apologize, but didn't say anything else as he kept eating. With the situation more tense between us, I took the opportunity to drift towards the rest of the group when he got up to throw away his plate.

A group of people were getting ready to go hiking and asked Mike to come along as he approached.

"Sure, sounds great," he said. "Bella, you coming?" I knew he had expected me to say yes based on my willingness to go hiking in the spring, but today was different. Even if Jasper hadn't specifically asked me not to go, I might have opted to stay on the beach just to put a little distance between me and Mike.

"No, thanks. I don't think I'm up for it today. I'll just hang out on the beach."

"I can stay and keep you company," he said. I could see he was trying to find a graceful way to back out of the hike.

"It's okay, Mike. You go and enjoy the hike. There's plenty to do here to keep me busy."

"I'm not going hiking, so I can keep you from getting bored," Quil volunteered. I laughed. Mike scowled, but clearly couldn't find a good enough excuse to stay without being too obvious, so he turned and followed the group of hikers, his shoulders stiff with tension.

Jake stayed behind as well, so after the hiking group left the three of us settled on the blankets and talked about the usual topics that made up small talk: school music, hobbies. There were fewer people on the beach now, and as I looked around I saw one Quileute boy sitting off to the side by himself, not socializing with any of the others.

"Who's that?" I asked Jake, pointing my chin in the boy's direction. Jake scowled.

"That's Embry," he said bitterly.

I remembered what he told me about Embry Thursday night. Still, I found it odd that Embry wouldn't have joined us now. It's not like any of his other friends were around.

"Why is he sitting there all alone? Should we ask him to join us?"

Quil shook his head.

"He doesn't want to have anything to do with us anymore, now that he's so tight with Sam, Paul and Jared. It's like he's too good for us, or something. It's weird. Maybe they have some sort of an alternative lifestyle thing going between the four of them. I mean, they're always together, always showing up without their shirts on," he sniggered. "Jared went off with the hikers, so maybe he and Embry had a lover's spat and Embry's pouting."

"Shut up, Quil," Jake said darkly. "That's not funny. He's still our friend."

"Really? He's said two words to you lately, then? Cause he won't even look at me long enough to say hey. With friends like that . . ." Quil's voice trailed off. Jake's eyes were on the sand next to the blanket.

The conversation at a standstill, things were becoming as strained here as between me and Mike. Desperate to change subjects, I looked up and noticed the gorgeous sunset. I elbowed each of the guys.

"Check that out. It's so beautiful," the two of them looked up obediently.

"Hard to notice anything as ordinary as a sunset with you sitting here," Quil said.

I cringed at the obvious pick-up line.

"Knock it off, Quil, I'm warning you," Jake said.

I noticed his body was starting to quiver with anger. I placed my hand on his arm to calm him and was shocked to feel how burning hot his skin felt.

"Are you feeling okay, Jake? I think you have a fever."

"I'm feeling a little odd," he admitted, "nothing serious, though."

I was concerned. "Should we get you to a doctor?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Bella," he scoffed. "I'm fine."

The sun had disappeared and it was rapidly getting dark. I saw the hikers coming back. Mike was frowning again, undoubtedly at the sight of me sitting with Quil and Jake with my hand on Jake's arm. Oh, well. Jake was a friend and Mike would just have to get used to it.

Now that the whole group was re-assembled everyone quickly gathered the wood for the bonfire and lit it up. Mike headed off to the entertainment system.

"Karaoke, anyone?" he yelled. Several guys groaned while the girls squealed in delight and ran up to Mike with their requests. The night exploded with sounds of Karaoke standards of 'Hey_ Mickey', 'Hit Me Baby, One More Time,' _and _'I Kissed a Girl'_. Jessica and Angela came over to us and pulled me off the blanket, giggling.

"Come on, Bella. We've got the perfect song for us to sing."

I groaned, but followed them obediently, throwing a terrified look over my shoulder at Jake, who was grinning wide for a change. I groaned even louder when I heard the opening piano music, but went along anyway, singing

_At first I was afraid, I was petrified  
__Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side  
__But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong  
__And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along_

The song was such a classic anthem that despite our incredibly poor performance everyone was getting into it. From the corner of my eye I saw Mike smiling again, clapping in time with the music as we belted out the lyrics. The whole beach exploded into raucous applause when we were finished. The three of us bowed, then ran to the coolers to get some water to soothe our throats, hoarse from nearly screaming out the chorus.

I took my water back to the blanket and settle myself down again between Jake and Quil.

"Didn't know you had it in ya," Jake teased.

"Neither did I," I laughed. "It felt good, though." And it had. I realized that with that song I finally let Edward go completely. I did survive, and it felt damn good!

"Geez, he's about as subtle as a ton of bricks," I heard Jake say. I looked over and saw that Mike had picked up the microphone and was singing. I strained to hear the lyrics.

_Everyone knows it's meant to be  
Falling in love, just you and me  
'til the end of time  
'til I'm on her mind  
It'll happen  
I've been making lots of plans  
Like a picket fence and a rose garden  
I just keep on dreaming  
But it's cool cause we're just friends _

"Oh shit," I muttered as I recognized the song. My face was burning. I didn't think there was anyone on the beach who couldn't figure out why Mike had chosen this particular song to sing or whom he was singing it to.

"I'm gonna go have a talk with him," Jake said menacingly, quivering again.

"No, Jake, wait." I said as placed a restraining hand on him again, once more noticing he was burning up. "Let me talk to him first. Maybe the song I sang gave him the wrong impression."

Jake scowled, but he seemed to calm down some. Out of the corner of my eye I saw that Embry and another Quileute boy had gotten up and were moving closer to our blanket, watching Jake with concerned expressions. Then Mike's song was over and I saw him walking towards us. He scowled when he saw my hand on Jake's arm.

"So, Bella, I thought maybe if you're done babysitting for the night you can come and hang out with the rest of us seniors?" he said, not even trying to hide his rudeness.

Then everything happened in a blink of an eye. Jake launched himself up and at Mike before I could do anything, his whole body undulating with anger. At the same time Embry and Jared jumped at him, each boy grabbing him underneath one arm and pulling him away towards the forest.

"Come on, man, you're not feeling well. We'll take you home," I heard Embry say, though I felt it was more for our benefit than Jake's.

And then, just like that, they were gone. The rest of us looked around in confusion. No one could make sense of what had just happened. I realized I was shaking. I looked at Quil and saw that he was just as disturbed as I was. Off in the distance in the forest, we heard the howl of a wolf.

**

* * *

**

The songs for this chapter are as follows: The chapter title is from a song by A-ha of the same name. The song sung by Bella, Angela, and Jessica is, of course, _I Will Survive_, by Gloria Gaynor. And the song sung by Mike is _Just Friends_, by Jonas Brothers. You can find links to all the songs in my profile.

**The next chapter should be posted some time mid-week. In the meantime, please let me know what you thought. I love to hear about your favorite/least favorite things from each chapter. Thanks! **


	37. Chapter 37: My Kind of Rain

**Voting in the Twi-Fi Awards is officially over, but I received notice that Golden Moon has been nominated in the category of best non-canon pairing at the Cullen Clan Awards. You can submit nominations for the Cullen Clan Awards through May 13 and voting is open until June 1. If you'd like to nominate a fan-fic for the awards or vote, you can find the link to Cullen Clan Awards in my profile. **

**My eternal thanks to IdreamofEddy, ****Calliope Jones, and mmsimpy09, ****who calmed me down enough so I could post this chapter – LOL! I was really nervous about this one!**

**You know the drill. All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_

* * *

_

And then, just like that, they were gone. The rest of us looked around in confusion. No one could make sense of what had just happened. I realized I was shaking. I looked at Quil and saw that he was just as disturbed as I was. Off in the distance in the forest, we heard the howl of a wolf.

****

Chapter 37: My Kind of Rain

Quil looked at me uncertainly, then slowly stood up. "I guess I'd better follow them," he said, "see what's wrong with Jake." In his eyes I saw fear.

"He was burning up all day," I pointed out. "Maybe it's the flu? I wish he had let us take him home earlier. He must have been really suffering to snap like that."

"Yeah, I've never seen him so out of control," Quil agreed. "It must have been the fever . . . Anyway, it was nice meeting you. Hope we get to hang out together again some time. See you later, Bella."

"See you, Quil."

I watched him walk away towards Jake's house. I waited until he completely disappeared before turning to Mike.

"What the hell, Mike? These guys are my friends. Could you be any more rude?"

Mike had the grace to look embarrassed.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. I was just so . . ." he sat down beside me, clearly frustrated. "Look, maybe I don't have the right to ask, but is there something going on between you and Jake or Quil?"

"What?" I asked incredulously, "No! I told you, Jake and I are just friends. And I only met Quil today. How can you even ask me that?"

"Well, you and I are just friends, but it's no secret I'd like us to be more. . ."

"Mike," I interrupted with a sigh.

"Hold on," he said, "just let me finish. I know you said you weren't ready and I told you I was willing to wait. And I meant that. But from where I'm standing it looks like I'm not the only guy waiting. And it's not like I shouldn't expect that, you know? And it's not like I'm afraid of the competition. But I need to know if I am competing. So you tell me. Is Jake my rival?"

Poor Mike. He was asking the right question, but about the wrong person. What was I supposed to tell him? Should I lie and say that Jake is a rival? I didn't think that would be fair to Jake. But if I told him the truth he'd be under the impression that there was no rival, which was clearly false as well. And there was no way at all to tell him about Jasper. I really didn't know what to do. I shivered, suddenly noticing the absence of the two incredibly warm Quileute boys who had flanked me all evening and kept me sheltered from the chill.

"Hey, you're cold!" Mike exclaimed. He shrugged off his jacket and threw it over my shoulders. Then he started looking around for the blankets I had set aside earlier and, finding them, took them out of the plastic. He wrapped one blanket around me before wrapping himself up in another. "Better?"

I nodded, staring into the dancing flames of the bonfire to avoid looking at him.

"So, will I get an answer to my question?"

I hated when he was like this, pressing and pushing me out of my comfort zone. Forcing me to answer the really tough questions. I just wanted Mike my friend, not Mike the would-be boyfriend. This was so hard, but I knew what I needed to do.

"Jake is not your rival," I answered slowly, "but I've been thinking about our conversation. You know, in the parking lot of your parents' store? I think I made a mistake, Mike, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to mislead you. Everything I told you that night was true. But as I think about it now, I don't think you and I could ever work that way. The way you want us to be? The picket fence and rose garden, I just don't see it. And I'm really sorry for anything I did that caused you to feel the way you do. I never meant to hurt you." I still hadn't looked at him, which made me feel like a coward.

"Whoa . . . Wow . . . Um . . . Okay. . . So I guess that's that. . . Thanks for being honest, I think."

I had to look at him. It wasn't fair for me to do this and not suffer. I turned to face him, but he wasn't looking at me. Instead, he too was gazing intently into the fire. I thought I saw something glisten in his eye. _Oh God, did I actually make him cry?_

Suddenly he leaned back to lie on the blanket, looking up at the sky. I tilted my head up. It was a pretty sky full of shining stars. A perfect evening to lie back and star gaze with someone you love. But, of course, the man I loved was not star-gazing tonight. Instead, he was hunting a dangerous predator, all to protect me.

I shook my head to try to erase the disturbing images, which would only make this evening more painful. I needed to pay more attention to Mike, who was clearly hurt by what I'd said earlier.

"Are you okay?" It was such a lame question.

"Yeah," he said, his voice surprisingly clear and strong. I'm not sure why I expected him to be choked up. "Just going over everything, figuring out how I screwed up. I pushed too hard, right?"

"That's part of it," I allowed.

"Well, that sucks. I'm sorry."

"That's not the only thing, though. It's really more about me."

He laughed. "Am I about to get the 'it's not you it's me' speech?"

"I guess," I laughed a little as well at the cliché, "but in this case it really is me. I wish I could like you that way. Believe me, it would make my life a lot less complicated. You're a great guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you."

"Any girl except you. And there's the rub, 'cause you're the only girl I'm interested in being had by."

"Mike," my voice was a plea.

"Hey," he sat up and reached for my hand. I had to fight the impulse to yank it away.

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I told you it would be all right if you didn't feel the way I did and I meant it. We can still be friends. At least, I hope we'll still be friends."

"Yeah? It won't be weird for you?"

He shrugged. "I'm sure it will be, at first, but I'll get over it. You know me, I don't dwell." He smiled a wide smile to prove his point.

"Okay, then. Let's try it. Just no more pushing for more, right?"

"Right. I can accept defeat gracefully. Honest."

I smiled. "Based on how you're acting right now, I have no choice but to believe you."

"Good. It's settled, then. Now, how about some s'mores?"

We stayed on the beach for a couple more hours, making s'mores and watching more karaoke performances. It was a lot of fun, almost enough to make me forget what was going on outside the reservation. Almost.

Eventually we ran out of wood and the fire started to die down. The boys packed up the coolers, grills and tents and carried everything back to the cars. I took a moment to find a private spot so I could call Jasper. The call went directly to voice mail. What did that mean? I reasoned that he must have purposely changed the setting, which must have meant that he was close to catching Laurent. Or maybe he caught him already and just forgot to turn the phone back on? That seemed implausible – Jasper wouldn't forget. In any case, I took some comfort in the thought that if there was still something to worry about, he would have taken my call, so that he could intercept Mike and me at the border. Still, no matter how reasonable that sounded, I couldn't quite suppress a feeling of profound fear and dread.

Driving back from First Beach, the road was illuminated by the lights of Mike's Suburban and a yellowish light coming from a gorgeous full moon. I stared out the window as we drove, hoping for a glimpse of a running figure, even thought I knew Jasper was much too good at this to allow himself to be seen.

"Did you have a good time tonight, Bella?" Mike asked.

I wondered if the lack of conversation was making him nervous.

"Uh huh," I answered. "It was great."

"I'm sorry about the thing with Jake. I hope he gets better soon."

His voice was perfectly neutral, sincere, with no undertones of jealousy or resentment. I looked over at him and found nothing in his face but genuine concern.

"Hopefully it's just a bug. He's a healthy boy so, with luck, he'll get over it quickly."

"Healthy," Mike chortled, "that's an interesting way to put it. All those Quileute boys looked pretty healthy. What the heck are they feeding them on that reservation?"

I laughed too. "Maybe it's something in the water."

"So Bella, I meant to tell you earlier, that Karaoke performance you, Angela and Jessica put on . . ." he didn't get to finish his sentence, because suddenly there was a loud bang and the car was out of control.

"Shit!" Mike was using both of his hands to keep the car on the road. He had the presence of mind not to slam on the brakes. Instead he eased off the gas pedal to allow the car to decelerate naturally as he concentrated on steering. Once he regained control he started braking gently, eventually pulling the car onto the shoulder and stopping.

He let out a loud breath that he must have been holding the whole time. I saw beads of sweat on his forehead.

"I think we blew a tire," he said. "Are you okay?"

I was a little shook up, but probably not as much as I should have been. After a week of stressing out about Laurent, a mere tire blow-out seemed relatively harmless.

"I'm fine," I said, "great driving!"

He flashed me a smile. "Thanks. I've got to go assess the situation. I might have to change the tire, but at least the spare is good. I just checked it a week ago."

He hopped out and I followed. We saw the problem was with the rear passenger tire. Mike cursed and started taking out the coolers and equipment from the back of the Suburban so he could reach the spare and jack.

"There's a flashlight in the glove compartment," he said. "Do you mind holding it for me?"

I got the flashlight and trained it on him and the wheel as he worked to lift the SUV. He worked as quickly as possible to unbolt and take off the flat tire, replacing it with the spare. He made sure to tighten the bolts, placing his body weight on the wrench. I had to admit, I was impressed at the ease and confidence with which he handled the emergency.

Mike was about to pack up the jack and the flat when I started feeling very uneasy. There was no noise or anything else to make me feel that way, yet through some sixth sense I knew we were no longer alone. I whirled around to illuminate the forest. When the light found its target I gasped, this time with real horror. The figure coming out of the shadows towards us was Laurent. The light from the flashlight caused him to pause.

"Hello, Bella," he said pleasantly, "Long time, no see."

"Hi, Laurent," I stammered. "It has been a long time. What brings you to Forks?" It was an inane thing to say, since I already knew exactly why he was back, but nothing else came to mind. Laurent laughed and his eyes sparkled. I noticed they still held a tint of gold, though they were quite dark, nearly black.

"It's so lovely around here, I thought I'd do some hiking. And, of course, I was hoping to run into you. Now that I have, I find myself surprisingly thirsty."

I watched him take a deep breath and shivered where I stood. Blood froze in my veins. This was exactly what Jasper didn't want – a surprise confrontation with Laurent in the woods. We thought First Beach would be safe, but no one could have predicted the tire blow-out.

I felt Mike come up on my side. He had heard my exchange with Laurent.

"We have some water and soda in the coolers," he offered, helpful yet uneasy, as if he sensed there was more to the conversation than the spoken words.

My breath caught. This was terrible. It was bad enough that I might die tonight, but why did Mike have to be with me? And where was Jasper? Did my message about coming back from First Beach not reach him in time? Or was he somewhere out there hurt from a run-in with Laurent? Or, even worse . . .

I didn't have a chance to finish my thought because Laurent smiled, his teeth flashing in the light, and took a step towards us.

"Thank you for the offer," he said, "But I'm in the mood for another beverage. Something a bit more potent, more satisfying."

"I don't think you'll find what you're looking for here, Laurent." The steely voice came from my right. I turned to see Jasper emerging from the forest. "Hello, Bella," he said to me, his eyes fixed on the other vampire.

"Jasper!" I gasped with relief. He was all right. And he was here to protect us.

Mike shifted beside me, placing his body between me and the other two men in a protective gesture. "Hey, Jasper," he said, his voice strained. "What are you doing back in town?"

"Mike." Jasper acknowledged him, but did not take his eyes off Laurent. "Just visiting. My friend and I were in the mood for some camping and hiking. Isn't that right, Laurent?"

My flashlight was still on Laurent and I turned to see him swallow. I shuddered, knowing he was swallowing venom that had pooled in his mouth in anticipation of killing me and Mike. He was clearly uncomfortable, but he stood his ground, sizing up his opponent.

I looked back to Jasper in time to see him very calmly pulling out the tails of his black western style shirt and undoing the buttons. The shirt fell open, revealing the multitude of crescent shaped scars that covered his chest. They were difficult for me to see, and had I not heard Jasper's story I might have missed them altogether, but I knew that they were much more prominent to Laurent's vampire eyes, and that the purpose for the display was to send him a message, to let him know about Jasper's warrior past.

My eyes darted back to Laurent. He looked absolutely shocked, and I could tell he was intimidated. He took a step back to the edge of the forest.

"Why don't you give me a minute, Laurent? I'll just give Mike a hand and then we'll deal with your . . . thirst." Jasper's voice was low, menacing and commanding. I suddenly felt rooted to the spot, not able to move. I guessed that Jasper was manipulating all of our emotions to neutralize Laurent. He turned to look at Mike and me, though I knew he held Laurent in his peripheral vision.

"Is everything all right, Mike?" He asked, gesturing at the items on the ground.

Mike looked both flustered and annoyed.

"Yeah. I mean, we had a blow out, but I already changed the tire, so we're good."

"Let me help you clean up," Jasper said in a tone that discouraged dissent. He first checked to make sure the bolts on the spare tire were secure, then, quickly and effortlessly, threw the tools, old tire, coolers and grill in the back of the SUV and closed the door.

"You're all set," he said to Mike, "drive carefully." It was clear that this was a dismissal. Then he looked at me. "Bye, Bella," his expression was tense, but the tone of his voice was slightly softer.

"Bye, Jasper," my voice was so low it was nearly a whisper. Then Mike and I got into the Suburban and pulled away. We were both holding our breath, releasing the air only after a minute passed and Jasper and Laurent were no longer in sight.

"Wow," Mike said, "that was weird."

"Yeah," I agreed, "really weird." He'd probably die of shock if he knew exactly how weird and how close we both came to death tonight.

"It was strange to see Jasper again, and with that other dude. You seemed like you knew him?"

"I met him last year through the Cullens," I said. That was technically accurate.

"Man, I always thought Jasper was with Alice," Mike continued, "but now I'm not so sure. I mean, camping with that other dude, hiking in the middle of the night, and all that talk about quenching thirst as he practically undressed . . . You think they're _together_?" he laughed nervously, and I cringed. I could see how someone with no knowledge of the real situation could misinterpret what happened as some sort of lover's tryst between Jasper and Laurent. It sure was a much more reasonable sounding explanation than the truth.

"I don't think so," I said, knowing I had to refute Mike's inference on Jasper's behalf, "Jasper is definitely interested in women."

"Huh," Mike didn't sound convinced. "Maybe so, but he still seemed to be awfully friendly with that Laurent guy, not that there's anything wrong with that," he added quickly and laughed nervously again. "I suppose it's none of our business. Nice of him to help out, anyway."

"Mike, I'm sure there's nothing like that going on between Jasper and Laurent," I protested again, a bit more vehemently than I'd intended.

He looked over at me, surprised, and I realized that it must have seemed strange for me to argue with quite as much fervor.

"Not that I have a problem with that . . . lifestyle," I added, my voice calmer, "I just know that Jasper doesn't . . . What's the expression? Play on that team."

Mike shrugged and didn't say anything for a while.

"So, um, it sounded like it was just Jasper back in the area," he eventually said, but sounded tentative, like he wasn't sure this was a good topic for discussion either. I realized that he must have been thinking about Edward, probably wondering if seeing Jasper created problems for me, or if it maybe meant that the Cullens would be coming back to Forks.

"That's what he seemed to be saying," I confirmed carefully.

"Are you okay?" There was a lot of unspoken meaning behind the question and I knew he was asking as a concerned friend. I needed to put him at ease.

"Yeah," I said, looking over at him. "I'm fine. Really, really fine."

We were getting close to my house, pulling onto my street and then into my driveway. I hesitated a moment before opening the door.

"Thanks for today, Mike, for making everything so easy for me. I'm not sure I deserve your friendship, but I'm glad to have it."

"Don't be melodramatic, Bella. I'm not even sure you broke my heart – feels like you just roughed it up a little. Couple of days and I'll be as good as new," he sounded casual, but he was no longer looking at me. I decided that there was no point in saying anything more. I put my hand on top of his briefly, and then opened the door and jumped out.

"Bye, Mike. See you Monday," I said and headed to the front door.

"Bye, Bella." Mike didn't follow me to the door, but he stayed in the driveway until I was inside.

"How was the beach, Bells?" Charlie called out from the living room where, as usual, he was firmly planted in front of the television set. It was a wonder he didn't go blind.

"It was a lot of fun, actually. But I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to go to bed."

"OK," he said, unconcerned. I could only imagine what he would do if he knew the real reason I wanted to go to my room.

Upstairs I brushed my teeth and washed my face, but didn't change for bed. I was going crazy not knowing what was going on out there, hoping that Jasper would show up soon with an explanation. I paced my room in the darkness, my hands balled into fists, fingernails digging into my palms. I was absolutely terrified. I knew Jasper was well equipped for this fight, but I knew nothing about Laurent. He was twice as old as Jasper, so he'd had plenty of time to pick up fighting techniques. What if he was a better fighter than Jasper or even equally good? In Phoenix, Emmett and Alice helped bring down James. Here, Jasper was all alone.

My nails dug deeper into my palm, but I retracted them when I thought they might break the skin. Tonight, of all nights, I could not draw blood. I could not allow anything to keep Jasper away form me if he returned from the fight victorious.

I was still pacing when I heard Charlie making his way upstairs. I got into bed, pulling the quilt all the way over me so that it wouldn't be obvious that I was still fully dressed. The precaution turned out to be unnecessary. Charlie did not check up on me before retiring to his bedroom. I jumped out of bed again and resumed my vigil.

Jasper finally showed up an hour later, calling me first to alert me. I opened the window and backed up, waiting for him to come in, but he remained perched on the roof outside. From my position in the room I could see that his clothing was torn and mud-caked. His eyes, however, were a beautiful golden amber. He must have hunted on the way to my house, to ensure my safety.

"What happened, Jasper? Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, Bella," he said quietly. "I know you want to know what happened and I want to tell you everything, Darlin', but I shouldn't come into your room in this state. I need to clean up and change first, and I can't do that here. Would you be willing to come to my house with me? I'll make sure you're back well before Charlie wakes up in the morning."

I nodded. I desperately wanted to know what had taken place after Mike and I left, but his comfort was more important than my needs. I walked up to the window and took his hand as I climbed out onto the roof. He lifted me in his arms and jumped down gracefully. Once we were on the ground, he shifted me to his back, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck and positioning my legs over his hips, his arms twined beneath my knees to keep me secure. Then he started running.

I closed my eyes and clung to him, wind gusting past us at an alarming rate. In the distance I heard thunder. Jasper cursed and seemed to increase his speed. Suddenly the sky opened up and a torrential rain poured down on us. The shredded remnants of Jasper's shirt, instantly soaked, became fabric weapons, the wind whipping them mercilessly into my face. I moaned at a particularly hard slap. Hearing me, Jasper stopped abruptly in a small clearing we had just reached. Gently but quickly, he set me down and turned to look at me. With his right hand he traced a line on my cheek where the cloth had hit me.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said. He immediately shrugged out of his shirt and tossed it aside without a second glace. His pale naked chest glowed softly in the moonlight, rivulets of rain cascading down his hair and body. I stared at him in amazement. He was absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly so. My own personal Ares. My eyes raked over his body, quickly at first, and then slowly, memorizing each detail of his muscular chest, his broad shoulders, his amazing defined stomach. My own stomach tightened into a knot and a tremor tore through my body as I evaluated his. Midway through my examination I noticed a more prominent crescent-shaped scar on his chest, then another on his left shoulder and another on his left forearm. They had been sealed with venom, but were clearly fresher than the rest of the scars covering his body.

"Jasper, you're hurt," I cried out in alarm.

"It's nothing, Bella," he said. "Nothing I'm not used to. They just burn a bit."

I took a step towards him, reaching out to touch the scar on his chest. I heard his sharp intake of breath as my fingers made contact with his cool skin. I traced the contours of the scar gently. Then, without any thought or hesitancy, I took another step forward and covered the scar with my lips.

I heard a hiss escape his lips, but otherwise Jasper stood motionless before me. I reached for his left arm, lifted it to me and kissed the fresh scar there. Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath, remaining otherwise immobile. The rain pelted us mercilessly, but he seemed completely unaware.

I let go of his arm, shifted to my right and, standing on my tip toes, pressed my mouth to the scar on his shoulder, this time tracing the ridge of the scar with my tongue. There was still no reaction from Jasper. I lifted my lips and took a small step back. He opened his eyes, looked down at me and caught my face in his hands. For a brief moment he caressed my cheeks with his thumbs and then, with a muffled groan, his face descended and his lips covered mine in a fiery kiss. I stared into his rapidly darkening eyes as his lips, firm and insistent, frantically explored mine. My lips moved against his in response. I spread my hands over his chest, shifting them over the textured marble skin covering his taut muscles. He made a strained sound, a mixture of a purr and a growl.

The sensation of his lips conquering mine, possessing me completely, was overwhelming. I felt myself weakening and knew that my knees would soon buckle. I snaked my arms beneath his and wrapped them upward around his shoulders, as I molded my body closer to his. Then my knees gave way and I clung to him, desperate not to break the contact between us.

He moved his hands to my waist and lifted me still closer against him, his lips continuing their exploration, never leaving mine. Our eyes remained locked together, unblinking in spite of the rain. Then the pressure of his lips eased, and the kiss became less hurried and more sensual. I felt the cool smoothness of his mouth moving over mine, gently sucking my lower lip. My tongue darted out to trace his lips, tasting his spicy, exotic flavor. I breathed him in, and his amazing scent swirled inside my body, setting every nerve ending on fire. I closed my eyes and let out a soft moan as my desire for him took over all my senses. There was only one thing I wanted and needed, and that was for this perfect moment to never, ever end.

I was at once freely floating in an almost out-of-body experience and firmly anchored by the circle of his arms, the two sensations directly opposite to one another, yet in perfect harmony. And it all began and ended with his lips on mine, and the current of pure bliss flowing uninterrupted though our bodies and minds.

Suddenly I felt Jasper's head pull back, breaking the connection, and I shook my head in denial. I didn't want this sudden space between us.

"N-n-no," I said, my teeth chattering, "D-D-Don't stop!" I realized as I spoke that my whole body was wrecked with tremors and that my skin was covered with goose bumps caused by the combination of the cold rain and Jasper's skin. I didn't care. I tried to use my arms to pull myself to Jasper's lips again.

"Bella," his voice was low and husky, "Darlin', the last thing I want to do is stop, but you're freezing. We have to get you inside and warm you up before you get sick. Are you able to hold on?"

I nodded mutely, knowing he was right but unwilling to acknowledge it out loud. To my surprise, Jasper didn't shift me to his back. Instead, he wrapped my legs around his waist and moved my arms, one at a time, to form a circle around his neck, carefully cradling me to his chest. I buried my face between his shoulder and neck and nuzzled on his cool skin, exploring it with my mouth and tongue, as he ran the rest of the way to the Cullen house, holding me close to him like a priceless treasure.

**

* * *

**

The title of the chapter refers to a song by Tim McGraw called _**She's my Kind of Rain**_**. (The link is in my profile) I love how well this song fits the end of this chapter. And I am a ****huge**** sucker for any song that features rain. **

**In fact, if you'd like to make me really happy, list some of your favorite songs featuring rain in your review for this chapter. Hopefully I'll find some great new songs that way. And just FYI, my two all time favorites are **_**But Not Tonight**_** by Depeche Mode (that song always makes me ridiculously happy) and **_**Go Ahead and Rain**_**, by J.D. Souther.**

**Okay, now for the chapter. Was it worth the wait? I hope so! I would hate to disappoint my loyal readers after 36 chapters. Leave a review and let me know, please! Like I said, I was really nervous about this one, so I can use the feedback. :-)**


	38. Chapter 38: Save Me

**I was so happy to hear everyone enjoyed the first kiss! So many of you had been anticipating it for so long, it was a bit intimidating to write. But all's well that ends well. And I really thank you for al the reviews and the rain song suggestions. Now that this chapter is written I'll go back to compile a list and find all the songs that I didn't already know. I'm really looking forward to it!**

**My thanks to the ladies who helped me by previewing the first few pages of this chapter – you'll see that I didn't change all that much, and the part that's missing will most likely make a re-appearance at some point later on ;-).**

**This chapter is for all the readers who complain that we haven't seen enough of Jasper and Bella together lately. Enjoy!**

**Oh, and one last thing. I would like to thank Sola91, who has volunteered to translate Golden Moon into Polish. For those of you who prefer to read the story in Polish, you can find Sola91's translation under story number 5031025. Thank you so much for making the story available to a whole new audience! (And, just as a reminder, you can also find the French version of Golden Moon, as translated by Androma, under story number 4940168.)**

**As ever, all the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 38: Save Me

We ran into the house and then through Carlisle and Esme's bedroom into their large spa-like bathroom. Jasper tried to put me down but I refused to budge. He sighed.

"Darlin', be reasonable, please. You're never going to get warm in those wet clothes with me holding you. Let's get you dried off a little, okay?"

"I'm fine," I insisted as I held on to him.

"Bella, if you get sick you'll have to stay home and Charlie will want to take care of you so we won't be able to see each other. Is that what you want?"

He wasn't playing fair. He knew darned well how much that threat would scare me. It wasn't fair that he knew just what to say to make me do what he wanted. Still, I knew he was right, so I eased my hold on his neck and allowed him to lower me to the floor.

He grabbed a large fluffy towel off the towel rack and wrapped it tightly around me.

"I'll be right back," he said and kissed me on the cheek. He was gone only seconds and returned with a thick white waffle weave robe and matching slippers, which must have belonged to Esme. He placed the robe on a hook next to the shower and put the slippers on the floor. He turned on the water and flipped a switch, looping another white fluffy towel through a rack on the wall.

"All right, Darlin'. Now you take a nice hot shower and warm up, okay? The towel rack is electric, so if you hang your clothes on it they'll dry faster. In the meantime, you can wear Esme's robe. I'll go clean up and change and I'll be waiting in the living room when you're done. Sound good?"

I shook my head. He frowned, as if trying to think what he might have forgotten. I walked up to him and moved my right hand to his hair, removing a piece of dried leaf. Then I moved my hand up further, curling it around his neck, and pulled my self up against him, pressing my lips to his. It was my turn to explore his mouth with mine, slowly and deliberately. I felt the tingling sensation return throughout my entire body as I sucked his lower lip between my lips, nibbling on it gently. My left hand was moving of its own accord, my fingertips trailing along his stomach, ribs, and chest, finally intertwining with the fingers of my right hand behind his neck. He groaned softly and moved his hands to my hips, pulling me closer. Our kiss intensified, our mouths crushed against each other with almost painful friction. Then his lips were moving, covering my face with soft kisses: my eyes, my cheeks, my nose, my chin, then moving down the side of my neck to the base of my throat, where his tongue explored the hollow, causing me to shiver. He stopped and pulled back to look at me, his eyes dark with desire, and I took the opportunity to reciprocate, licking and sucking at his Adam's apple, eliciting yet another groan.

"Bella," he said in a low, strained voice, "let's stick to the plan. You need to get warm and dry and I need to clean up. And we're not going to be able to do any of that if we continue down this path."

"I'm already warmer, Jasper, can't you feel it? And there's a perfectly good shower right here – I can help you clean up."

Jasper froze beneath my hands and mouth and I gasped when I realized what I had just said _Oh my God! Did I really just ask Jasper to take a shower with me? On a night when we had just shared our first kiss? Oh, my stupid, hormone infused brain – what have you done to me now?_ _What must he think of me? _

He was looking at me carefully, undoubtedly gauging my emotions. I'm sure he could sense my discomfort and embarrassment, reinforced by a deep blush creeping up my cheeks. Suddenly he smiled and dipped his head to place his lips against my ear.

"That is the best and most intriguing offer I've had in a long time, Darlin', and I promise some day I will get so very, very filthy for you, and give you every opportunity to help me clean up. I just think tonight may not be the exact right time. Do you agree?"

I nodded. He laughed softly, the air from his lips moving over and into my ear, not really helping to reinforce my decision. Somehow I found the oxygen and strength to speak.

"You win, tonight, Jasper Whitlock, but I will hold you to that promise."

He laughed again. "I'm counting on it, Darlin'. And I can't wait."

Before I could respond, his lips were pressing against mine in one last passionate kiss. Then he reached up, unhooked my hands from around his neck and stepped back. He shook his head, a bemused expression on his face.

"What's funny?" I asked, thinking that the situation was anything but amusing.

His smile widened, and then he looked down at the floor. "I was just thinking how much I need that shower."

Before I could ask any follow-up questions he was moving out of the bathroom. "I'll see you soon. I'll be waiting in the living room," he said over his shoulder as he left.

I followed him to the bathroom door and closed it behind him. How ironic! Even though I had just asked him to share a shower with me, I was too modest to risk Jasper walking in on me as I was undressing.

I took off my clothes and, following Jasper's suggestion, hung them on the heated towel rack. I adjusted the water temperature and stepped into the steamy shower, pleasantly surprised to find it stocked with shampoo and body wash. I was absolutely mortified about making the joint shower suggestion earlier, yet as I was washing my hair I found myself wishing that Jasper was in the shower with me. Not for the usual raunchy things that most people would imagine, but because I genuinely wanted to just take care of him for a change, to shampoo his hair and help him clean up after his fight with Laurent. He had a tough week watching over me and, even though he didn't experience physical exhaustion, I knew the week had been as stressful emotionally for him as it had been for me. He really deserved a little TLC.

Of course, I thought as I washed up, the raunchy stuff wasn't unappealing either. I was shocked at how bold I had been earlier, knowing deep inside that Jasper had been right, I wasn't emotionally ready to take things as far and as fast as my raging hormones may have wanted. But I also knew that it wouldn't be that long before I was ready, and I was so thrilled that Jasper's response had not been the unequivocal "no" I always got from Edward whenever I wanted to push beyond the physical limits he had imposed on our relationship. Jasper definitely did not say 'no' – he'd said 'not right now', with an unambiguous promise of future activities. I started feeling warmer just thinking about that. A part of me was screaming for me to stop my train of thought, but another, more reckless part, urged me to keep it going. As my hands skimmed over my wet skin, my mind produced images of Jasper as I saw him earlier tonight, all shirtless and glorious, and then of us together, pressed closely against each other, totally oblivious to anything other than our intertwined bodies. It wasn't a particularly elaborate fantasy, but one I thoroughly enjoyed.

After I finished showering, I dried off using the warmed towel. My undergarments we already dry, so I put them back on, but my shirt and pants still needed some more time, so I took Jasper's advice and wrapped myself up in Esme's robe. Realizing how little protection the robe actually afforded if it were to accidentally open, I double knotted the inner ties and the outer belt. I put my feet in Esme's slippers and rummaged through the bathroom cabinets until I found a hairbrush and a hair dryer. I fixed my hair and examined myself in the mirror. I looked fine. Nothing special, but better than the soaked to the bone look I was sporting earlier.

Feeling slightly more at ease, I walked back to the living room. Jasper was already there, seated in the corner of the sofa, wearing khaki pants and a white button down shirt. The light clothing made him seem relaxed somehow, vastly different from the man in black I encountered in my bedroom Thursday night. But his effect on me hadn't changed at all. The swarm of butterflies was back, flitting about inside my stomach.

Jasper looked up when he heard me enter the room, giving me a wide, dazzling smile.

"You look absolutely enchanting, Bella," he said, sounding completely sincere.

"Thanks. You look great too," my face scrunched up into a small frown as I looked down at my robe. "I feel a bit underdressed."

"Nonsense, you're as covered up as I am."

Technically he was right. Esme's long robe fell to around my ankles and the sleeves were long enough to completely hide my hands. With the tight, double knotted wrap of the robe, hardly any of my skin was actually exposed. However, I still didn't feel completely at ease. I moved to the sofa and sat down in the corner opposite of Jasper, leaving a wide empty space between us. It was his turn to frown.

"After being apart from you for so long, I was hoping to be a little closer to you tonight. Won't you come sit by me, Darlin'? I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman. I won't do anything that will make you uncomfortable."

I sighed. He was right. I picked a fine time to turn all shy. Poor Jasper. I was sending him such mixed signals tonight, and for no good reason. I knew I could trust him completely. It was me I was worried about, and my lack of self-control really wasn't a good enough reason to deny him a little personal closeness after all he had endured for me throughout the week.

I got up and walked over to sit down next to him. Then I turned, lifting my feet up on the sofa, and laid back across his lap with my head resting on the sofa arm. Jasper looked down on me and reached to tuck my hair behind my left ear.

"Hi there," he said softly.

"Hi," I replied, smiling.

He reached to the side and dug out a throw pillow that had been wedged between his thigh and the sofa arm. I lifted my head and shoulders slightly so that he could position the pillow to give me better support. When I was settled in again he moved his left hand to gently stroke my cheek.

"I really missed you today," he said.

"More so than any other day this week?" I asked, surprised.

"Mmm hmm. Most of the week I couldn't be with you but I could still see you or hear you. Today, while you were at the bonfire, I lost you completely. It was like a part of me was missing. I couldn't stop thinking about you all the while you were gone."

I blushed and felt a little guilty because my mind had not been as constantly occupied with him as his had been with me.

"It's all right, Darlin'. Vampire minds work differently that human minds. I can have many trains of thought at once. So while I thought of you all day, I also thought about other things. I know that's not possible for you."

Sometimes it felt like he could read my mind, which was very disconcerting, but I knew he simply must have picked up on my guilty feelings and was responding to those.

"I did think about you," I assured him, "and worried. Especially when you didn't pick up the phone when I called to tell you we were heading home. Obviously nothing happened while we were at the beach, but what happened with Laurent after Mike and I left tonight?"

Jasper's hand stilled against my cheek. He took a deep breath and let it out heavily. He looked away and I could tell something in his thoughts was disturbing him. My stomach tightened with worry. Jasper looked back down at me and gave me a small, tight smile.

"It's all right, Bella. There's nothing for you to worry about. It's over."

I closed my eyes. I was relieved to hear things with Laurent were over, but I really needed to know what happened, how Jasper had gotten his fresh scars. Undoubtedly sensing my curiosity, he began to speak.

"I'd been trying to track him ever since you and Mike left for the bonfire. I finally caught his scent trail in the evening and turned off my phone so as not to accidentally alert him to my presence when I finally I caught up with him. That must be when you called from First Beach. I kept checking for messages, so I knew within minutes of your call that you were heading back. I felt I was so close to him, but I didn't want to leave you and Mike unprotected, so I abandoned his trail and went back to intercept you guys. I messed up on the timing and distance, though, which caused the delay in getting to you after the tire blew out.

"If I had a heart it would have stopped when I heard you speaking with Laurent by the side of the road. I was absolutely horrified that I hadn't been there to stop him from seeing you or that I would be too late to stop his attack. Thank God he was not actually set on attacking, and that you were able to distract him further by talking."

He stopped his story abruptly and frowned. It looked as though he was wrestling with whether to tell me something or not.

"What is it?"

"I'm not sure I should say. I don't want you to take it the wrong way."

"Whatever it is you should just say it. We shouldn't hold things back from each other. We can talk it out and you can make sure I don't take it the wrong way, but there shouldn't be secrets between us."

Another troubled frown creased his face and then was gone.

"All right. I was a little frustrated tonight that you hadn't followed the rules. We set up those rules for a reason. What were you supposed to do if you were ever in danger?"

My eyes widened as I suddenly remembered. "I was supposed to scream," I whispered, completely appalled that I had forgotten something so basic.

"I would have gotten there quicker if your scream had alerted me to exactly where you were." He sighed. "Still, if Laurent had been bent on attack, even with you screaming I might not have been fast enough. As it was, your presence of mind and ability to keep him talking delayed him long enough, and your calm response saved your and Mike's life. But in the future . . ."

"I'll scream, Jasper. I promise. I'll scream my head off. You'll be able to hear me from miles away!"

He smiled. "That's my girl," he said and lifted my hand to his lips. Then he lowered my hand and continued his story.

"You probably felt I kept Laurent from running away while I was helping Mike load the car by manipulating his and your emotions. But as soon as I released you and Mike I had to release him as well, and he took off running. He's fast, I have to give him that. I had to chase him for miles. For a while I was seriously worried that I would not be able to catch him, but my knowledge of the terrain gave me an advantage and eventually I gained enough distance to tackle him. He didn't put up much of a fight."

I gasped, remembering the scars. He looked down at me and ran his hand over my hair, again tucking it behind my ear even though it hadn't moved from its position since he did it earlier in the evening.

"He bit me a little as he was struggling in my hold. It was to be expected. It wouldn't have happened if I had killed him as soon as I caught him, but I remembered our talk from last weekend and I just couldn't do it. At least not immediately upon seeing him."

I looked at him, horrified. I remembered the conversation well. I had asked him not to kill Laurent if he didn't attack me or other humans. I had asked him to give Laurent a warning, and by trying to follow my request Jasper had been hurt. If I hadn't said anything Jasper would be unharmed. I turned to my side so that I was facing away from him and curled up into a ball. I felt absolutely awful.

"Hey," I could tell Jasper was concerned. He reached over with both of his arms and pulled me up so I was sitting sideways in his lap, pulled close to his chest. "You cannot feel badly about this. It was my choice, Bella. And the bites are nothing. In fact," his voice held a little mirth as he placed a finger under my chin and tipped it up so that he could look into my eyes, "I rather believe they were some of the best things that happened to me tonight. If you hadn't seen them you never would have reacted to them the way you had, and we never would have . . ."

He stopped speaking and lowered his mouth to mine in a soft kiss by way of an explanation. I sighed against his lips. His kisses made me feel so good. The smooth, cool texture of his lips was similar to Edward's, yet the kisses made me feel completely different. At the time I thought that Edward's kisses were perfect, but now I knew there was always something missing. Edward had always held back, had been reserved, so that the connection between us didn't feel solid enough, and the more I tried to strengthen it, the more Edward pulled back. Jasper didn't hold anything back. His kisses, even the slow, gentle kisses, we full of unrestrained emotion. When he had pulled back, I knew it wasn't a vampire pulling away from a human – it was a man pulling back from a woman, for all the reasons that a man should pull back every once in a while. He never made me feel like my humanity was a limiting factor.

As if to prove my unspoken point, Jasper did not break off our kiss. Instead, he intensified it, his lips pressing against mine with more force now. He pulled me closer to him with his right arm. I twined the fingers of my left hand in his hair, returning his kiss with equal force. I closed my eyes, letting myself get swept up in the surge of excitement.

Then I gasped against his lips, feeling the unexpected sensation of his fingers trailing along the bare skin of my leg, starting at the ankle and moving up the side of my leg along my calf, knee and thigh. My eyes flew open. He paused, looking searchingly at my face. I glanced down, seeing that in my shift to the sitting position the robe had parted, revealing my left leg all the way to the upper thigh. I flushed furiously, burying my face in his chest. Jasper removed his hand and used it to close up the robe, fully covering both of my lower extremities.

"I'm sorry Bella. I seem to be breaking all of my promises to you today. I shouldn't have done that. Forgive me?"

I pulled away from his chest and looked up at him. "You don't have to apologize. Why would you apologize for something that makes me feel so good?" I was still embarrassed and didn't quite believe I was telling him everything I was thinking, but I had meant what I said about not wanting to have secrets between us. "I love it when you touch me, Jasper. And a part of me wants you to keep going, never stop. But I haven't done anything like this before, and I'm a little scared, and maybe not quite ready? It seems like everything is moving so fast."

He kissed my forehead. "We'll slow it down, Bella. You set the pace, Darlin'. Let me know immediately if I ever go too fast or too far, like you did just now. I want this, us, to feel right for you. I don't want you to ever do anything you're not ready for, to have any regrets."

"As long as I know you're mine, I won't have any regrets," I said. And then I frowned, realizing that he still wasn't mine.

In all the excitement of tonight, the danger with Laurent, Jasper's injuries, I had completely forgotten about Alice. So already we had gone further than we should have, given that Jasper still wasn't free. I swallowed hard. I hadn't wanted to be "that girl," but it was too late now. We had gone past the point of no return. I still needed for Jasper to go and talk to Alice, but I would no longer be neutral on the subject of his decision. I could no longer encourage him to stay with her. I had to acknowledge that now, knowing how much I loved being with him, how much I loved him, I wanted more than anything for him to leave Alice and come back to me.

I sighed. There was so much for us to talk about tonight. But first I needed to find out what had happened with Laurent.

"You're quite good at distracting me, Jasper Whitlock, but I do want to hear what actually happened when you caught Laurent, other than the struggle that caused your injuries.

He let me go and I shifted in his lap, remaining in the sitting position.

"Once I had him incapacitated so that he couldn't bite me, we started talking. I saw that he still hadn't hunted humans,"

"Yes, I saw that too. His eyes were dark tonight, but still had a hint of gold."

"Right. He's struggling. A struggle I know all too well. He hates the taste of animal blood, but he enjoys the close bonds that form between vampires who practice the vegetarian lifestyle. He left Denali because, much like me, he felt too constrained, with everyone watching him all the time to make sure he didn't regress. But on his own, without those close bonds, he found it harder and harder to resist humans."

"Why did he come to Forks?" I asked curiously.

"He had seen you with us and knew that you were able to befriend a vegetarian vampire. I think he may have been looking for someone to talk to, for some companionship."

"But when he saw me he wanted my blood. He told me so. He said he was thirsty."

"It's true. He underestimated the difficulty of being close to humans. He didn't understand that it took the Cullens decades to be able to coexist as closely with humans as they do. And let's not forget, Darlin', that you are no ordinary human. You have tempted vampires with far more vegetarian experience and resolve than Laurent has right now. Frankly, it says a lot about him that he was able to resist you for the few minutes that he had. It's one of the reasons I couldn't kill him."

"So he's still alive? You let him go?"

Jasper sighed.

"Yes. And I hope I haven't made a mistake. But I'm fairly certain he knows exactly how easy it would have been for me to kill him and how much restraint it took for me not to, so I am reasonably confident he will take my warnings seriously. I told him to go back to Alaska or to stay far away from here. I also told him that you are not only under my protection, but under the protection of all the Cullens, and if any of us ever found out that a hair on your head has been harmed by him, we wouldn't hesitate to hunt him down and kill him in the slowest, most painful way possible."

I put my hand on his cheek and stroked it lightly, then pressed my lips against his before turning into his chest and hugging him tightly. I could tell how much this decision had taken out of him. How much easier it would have been for him to eliminate Laurent and the threat he posed entirely. But I was glad to see this compassionate side of him, too, even if he had only been compassionate at my request. I knew that down the road the self-restraint he exercised tonight would help him feel even stronger, even more in control. Once again, he avoided taking the easy way out. I was so very proud of him.

"Thank you," I said simply as I pulled away. "For everything you did for me tonight."

He looked deeply into my eyes.

"No, Bella, thank you! Thank you for seeing more in me than even I knew was there and for helping me see it too. Thank you for your trust and confidence. Thank you for believing I could overcome the monster inside. Thank you for helping me recover some measure of my humanity. I could never have done any of this if it wasn't for you."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek. Jasper lowered his head and kissed it away.

"You're not sad." It was a statement, though he was obviously puzzled.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not sad. I'm happy. Happy that I could be the mirror that you needed to see yourself for who you really are."

He frowned.

"What's wrong? What did I say?"

"Nothing. It's just that I wish I could be that for you as well. I wish I could take away all your self-doubts and insecurities. I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

I looked down, then back up at him.

"You are helping me, Jasper. I am becoming more confident. But some things . . ." there wasn't any good way to do this indirectly. I just had to say it. "When are you going to see Alice?"

He seemed taken aback, though I couldn't see why. He had to know this subject would come up. Especially now that we've kissed, that our relationship seemed to progress at an even faster rate. He had to know that I was past the point where I felt comfortable. Past the point where I could feel good about myself unless he resolved his relationship with Alice for good.

He looked away and I felt a sense of foreboding.

"Jasper," I shifted my body to the side so I could look into his eyes, "when are you going to see Alice?" I repeated.

"I don't want to leave right now," he said quietly. "I hated having to stay away from you this week and I'm not ready to be away from you again yet. Besides, I want to make sure that Laurent took me seriously and actually left the area. Just give me a little more time, Bella."

I sighed. I didn't want to be away from him either and I certainly wanted to be sure Laurent wasn't coming back, but I would never be able to feel completely secure in our relationship until I knew Jasper and Alice were over. Still, he was only asking for a little more time with me before he left. How could I deny him that?

"You know, I could just call her, tell her everything. I don't really need to see her. She may not even want to see me to hear this. It may be easier this way for her."

I considered this. Would it be easier for her? Would it have been easier for me if Edward told me he was leaving over the phone? In some ways, it probably would. It would have been even easier to hate him if he had taken such a cowardly way out. But then would I always be asking if I could have done anything in person to change his mind that I couldn't do on the phone? Yes, I was sure I would. There would always be that doubt that maybe things would have been different, and that would have killed me. I couldn't let Jasper do that to Alice.

"It might make it easier for you, but it wouldn't be easier for her. You need to do the right thing. You need to see her. You owe her that after all you've been through together, after everything that she's done for you."

He looked away again and I felt another twinge of unease.

"How long do you need?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said, still not looking at me. "A week?"

I nodded, my heart constricting painfully. "All right, a week. And then you'll have to go back and face her." _And hopefully come back to me, _I added silently. I hated the thought of another week of insecurity; another week of fear of becoming too involved; another week of not knowing his ultimate choice. _It's just seven days, not forever, _I reminded myself._ Just seven days._

I leaned against him and felt my eyelids descend over my eyes. I was suddenly very tired. Now that the stress was finally over and the adrenaline had worn off, I was reminded of my very human need to sleep. I tried to stifle a yawn. I felt Jasper rearranging his arms beneath me, then getting up and carrying me. When I finally found the strength to open my eyes we were back in Carlisle and Esme's bedroom. Still holding me, Jasper pulled back a thick down comforter and laid me down on the bed. He tucked the comforter around me and leaned down to kiss my forehead.

"Get some rest, Darlin'. I'll wake you up when it's time to get you back to your house."

I reached out to grab his hand.

"Please don't go. Stay with me?"

He smiled down at me.

"I have no intention of leaving, Bella. There's nowhere for me to be but right here beside you."

He walked over to the other side of the bed and laid down beside me on top of the comforter, pulling me close to him and wrapping his arm around me. I could feel his breath on my ear as he began to sing.

_When I think of you  
The world takes new meaning  
And so does my life.  
Seems like paradise  
Hopelessly, you and me at peace_

_I love you, I love everything...  
I love you, I love everything..._

_Feel the kiss of love,  
Know that it's real  
These emotions we feel._

_Feel the kiss of love,  
Know that It's true  
When it happens to you._

**

* * *

**

First, the music. The title of the chapter comes from the song _**Save Me**_** by Aimee Mann. I thought it kind of worked for both Bella and Jasper at this point in the story. The lullaby is **_**The Kiss of Love**_** by Anything Box. You'll find links to both in my profile.**

**Now, the chapter. I know many of you will be ready to string me up by my toenails for yet another delay before Jasper talks to Alice. All I can tell you is that there are things that Bella is not aware of that are driving Jasper's behavior. Hopefully we'll find out what those things are soon. In the meantime, the story has always been on this unalterable course, and so it must continue.**

**You know I love hearing your thoughts, so leave a review! Thanks!**


	39. Chapter 39: Every Second We Steal

**Okay, so this is not the big revelation chapter. Sorry! As I was thinking about it I realized that I needed to set up a few more things before we get to that. So you will have to put up with a little more fluff. What can I say? Author's prerogative. **

**But this chapter and the next will probably be the last of the fluffy stuff for a while, so I hope you enjoy it! **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 39: Every Second We Steal

As he promised, Jasper woke me up in plenty of time for me to get dressed and for him to run me back home. Thankfully, the rain had stopped, so when we got to my house I was able to crawl into bed in the clothes I was wearing and go back to sleep. Jasper stayed with me until I woke up on Sunday and went downstairs to have breakfast with Charlie. Eventually Charlie left to watch the game at the Clearwaters' and I went to work. I was annoyed that Jasper and I had so little time together on this first day when we could actually see each other as much as we wanted, but I couldn't completely abandon my everyday human activities in order to spend time with him. As it was, Jasper used the time I was at work to hunt so he could spend Sunday night with me at my house which, of course, I absolutely loved.

One thing that concerned me on Sunday was that I still hadn't heard from Jake. I actually asked Charlie to bring back some news from La Push, but all he said was that Jake was sick and Billie didn't come to watch the game because he was taking care of him. That much I could have figured out for myself.

Monday was a regular day at school. True to his word, Mike seemed perfectly normal. Friendly, but not too friendly. The school was still abuzz about the bonfire and we all spent the day reminiscing about the Karaoke and food, and the general good time we all had together. Feeling slightly guilty after our fight the previous week, I made plans to get together with Angela after school Thursday for some girl talk. I knew exactly what she wanted to talk about and I figured I would need all that time to come up with something that wasn't too far from the truth, but that didn't give anything away about my actual day in Seattle. I just hoped that she would be satisfied if I omitted a few key details, like the identity of my date.

I worked Monday after school, so I wasn't able to see Jasper until I got home later that evening. He snuck into my room after I was done with dinner. He brought over a Scrabble board, and we played a few rounds. I even won one round, though I'm pretty sure he let me. He spent the night with me again. I was getting used to falling asleep in his arms, and that scared me a little. While I enjoyed every moment he and I spent together, I was also constantly aware that all of them were stolen moments that could be permanently taken away.

Tuesday was much the same as Monday. School. Work. Time with Jasper at home in the evening. This time we completely regressed as Jasper brought over a Battleship game. Finally, a game where he didn't necessarily have an unnatural advantage! And, to make it even better, we won a kiss for every ship we sank, the bigger the ship, the longer the kiss! Needless to say I was absolutely giddy with excitement each time a ship was sunk, regardless of whether it was one of mine or his. I hadn't had that much fun playing since I was eight years old. And, judging by the smile on Jasper's face the entire evening, he felt exactly the same way.

Wednesday was another repeat of the same, except that I was getting behind on my assignments again, so I couldn't play games and had to work on my homework instead. Jasper stayed in the room with me, sitting on my bed, leaning against the headboard and reading a book he had brought over with him. When I was finished I looked to see what book had him so captivated, shocked to find him completely absorbed in _The Joy of Cooking._

"Seriously, Jasper?" I asked, highly amused. "You're actually learning how to cook? For me?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Do you think it's too much for me? I've already mastered the art of grocery shopping and vegetable chopping. Besides," he shrugged. "As long as you're human I can't keep feeding you frozen food and chips, can I?"

"As long as I'm human." I rolled the phrase around my tongue as if it was spoken in a foreign language. I was suddenly aware how long it's been since I've considered the possibility of being anything but human.

Jasper looked at me cautiously.

"I recall at one point you had a fairly strong desire to become a vampire. Have you changed your mind?"

I swallowed. _Had I changed my mind?_ Once upon a time I wanted to be a vampire so that I could spend forever with Edward. After he left, there was no point in thinking about it further. Of course, now that Jasper and I were contemplating a future together, I needed consider it again.

"It's not that I've changed my mind. I just haven't given it that much thought lately."

I was dismayed at the pained look that flashed across his face. He hid it very well and very quickly, and if I hadn't been specifically watching for his reaction I might have missed it. I bit my lip. I didn't want to hurt Jasper.

Thinking about it, I understood how what I said must have sounded to him. He knew how much I had wanted to spend forever with Edward, and yet I haven't even thought about a forever with him? I didn't mean it like that, but he wouldn't know that unless I told him.

I got up, walked over to the bed and sat astride him, making sure that I was far enough down his thighs not to cause any unintended consequences. I took his face between my hands and leaned in to kiss him, gently and sweetly. I felt his hands gliding across my back. I pulled away and made sure that our eyes were locked together.

"I would love nothing more than to spend every day of forever with you, Jasper Whitlock. But it's only been a week since you told me how you feel about me and I've barely had time to get used to that. Plus, you don't act in a way that makes me desperate to become a vampire immediately. You don't pull away from me like Edward did, you don't try to shelter me by making decisions for me without consulting me, and you don't make me feel like I'll spend an eternity being thought of as a cradle robber unless I turn into a vampire right now."

He smiled a little. "Are you calling me old, Darlin'?"

"Mmmmm. You bet. Ancient!" I kissed him again, this time letting my lips linger on his a bit longer before pulling back and swatting him playfully. "Don't be a goof! I'm just saying you're still older than me in human years, so I can put off becoming a vampire for a bit without worrying about looking too old for you."

"So you still want to do it? Become immortal?"

"I want to spend the rest of our days together, just like this. And there's only one way that can happen. So yes, I want to be a vampire like you." And then, as a memory of Edward's attitude crossed my mind, I felt I had to ask, "You do want me to be a vampire, right?"

His face softened and it was his turn to lean forward and kiss me. He held me to him for a moment before he leaned back again. "I do." He said simply. "Very much so."

"You're not concerned that I'll become a soulless monster?" I saw him grimace as I asked my question.

"Edward was a real bastard, wasn't he?" he asked rhetorically. "Did he actually tell you that? What a piece of . . . How could he say that to you when you were willing to do that because you loved him? You were willing to give up your life, your humanity, just to be with him. And he had the gall to imply that your sacrifice, your gift to him, would make you a monster? If he were here right now I'd rip him to shreds, piece by piece."

Jasper's face contorted in anger and he turned away from me. I looked at him in shock. I didn't realize talking about what Edward had said would have upset him this much, or I wouldn't have mentioned it. I put my hands on his shoulders to try to calm him a little.

"It's all right. I was upset to know what he thought, at first, but I understood it a little too, especially after Carlisle explained it to me the night of the party as he was stitching up my cut." Another deep flash of pain crossed Jasper's face and I immediately realized my monumental mistake. _God, I should have my mouth stitched up and never say another word again. What happened to think before you speak, Bella? How the hell are you gonna make this right?_

I pressed myself closely to him wrapping my arms around him where I found space between his body and the headboard. I pressed my lips against his neck.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to bring up that night. I'm sorry I brought any of this up. None of it matters now. None of what anyone else said or thought matters. It's just you and me and us together. That's what's important. I love you and I want to be with you forever."

I felt the anger draining from him. He grasped my upper arms and pushed me back so he could look at me.

"What did you say?"

"I said I was sorry that I brought up . . ."

He shook his head. "Not that. What was the last part you said?"

I thought back through my statements, then blushed as I realized exactly what I had said. I had thought the words in my head countless times, but this had been the first time I'd said them to him directly.

"I said I love you and I want to be with you forever," I repeated quietly, suddenly shy and scared. I had wanted to wait to make this declaration. I didn't want to do this before Jasper came back from his talk with Alice. But I saw the change in his face, felt the absolute happiness radiating from him, and my regret was gone.

He kissed me passionately, his lips hard against mine, the fingers of both of his hands buried in my hair. Without releasing me or pulling his lips back he whispered "Say it again, Darlin'. Just those three words. I want to feel you say it."

I couldn't refuse, so I whispered "I love you," my lips just barely touching his with each word. Then he was kissing me deeply again and I closed my eyes and lost myself in the sensations.

Eventually he pulled back. I had no idea how much time had passed and I was reluctant to open my eyes, but did when he spoke my name.

"Look at me Bella, please. I want to see those gorgeous eyes when I say it."

I knew exactly what he was about to say and I was shocked at my need to stop him. I lifted my hand to his lips, covering his entire mouth. As I expected, he looked hurt and confused.

"Don't say it, Jasper. Even if you feel it, don't say it. It's not right. I want the first time I hear you say those words to me, to be when I know that I will be the last person in the world you'll ever say them to. Please. I just want you to wait until after you come back from Alaska."

Jasper looked away. I had hurt him again.

"In my heart I know you love me and I know you want to tell me. For what it's worth, I wanted to wait to tell you. But tonight you were so upset and in trying to make you feel better I forgot my plan. I don't regret saying it, Jasper, but please don't be mad at me for wanting you to wait a little longer. Please?"

He turned back to look at me. The pain was almost gone from his face. He moved his hand to rest against my jaw, his thumb tracing my lips. "As you wish," he said with a small smile. I had to smile as well. I had seen The Princess Bride too, and I knew exactly what he'd meant.

I leaned forward, resting against his chest again. He stroked my back and hair.

"Before you make your decision, I'll have to tell you a lot more about being a vampire," he said. "The rest of us didn't have a choice before we were changed, but you do, so you need to consider every factor very carefully. There are two sides to every coin. I do not believe vampires are inherently evil or soulless, though there are certainly evil vampires out there. But just as anything else, being a vampire has its downsides. You'll need to know what they are to make sure you are willing to live with them before you make your final choice."

"Jasper?" I whispered, knowing I was about to ask another question I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer to.

"Yes, Darlin'?"

"What if after considering everything I decided to stay human? Would you still want to be with me then?"

He sighed.

"To be completely honest, that's not something I've thought a lot about. I made a mistake of assuming you would want to be a vampire because of the way you felt when you were with Edward. But yes, of course, my feelings for you have nothing to do with whether you're human or vampire. It would just be more difficult for us if you remained human. Our physical interaction would be more limited and I would be constantly worried about you, and I'd probably really have to learn how to cook. But everything else would be the same. Only . . ." he sighed again.

"Only what?"

"Only if you stayed human I would have to live everyday with the knowledge that I could lose you. You would be so fragile, so vulnerable to everything around you. And then, eventually, that day would come. And I don't know what would happen to me once you were gone. I would have an eternity to spend with just my memories of you."

That's when I knew that my choice, if there ever really even was a choice, was already made. I looked up and found him watching me.

"There's nothing for me to consider, then, Jasper. I would never ask you to go through life with that fear. I could never ask you to start off every day of our life together wondering if this was the day you were going to lose me. I don't care about the downsides. There are plenty of downsides to being human, too. We'll have to figure out the right time. Maybe after graduation, when it's time for me to go away to school? That way no one would notice I was gone. But eventually, and not too far into the future, I will ask you to change me so we can be together forever."

"And I will change you, Bella, and do everything in my power to make you forever happy that you had made that request," Jasper said. Then he kissed my forehead and continued stroking my back. We stayed that way for a long time, until he finally said "It's getting late. You'd better get ready for bed."

Knowing he was right, I left for the bathroom. I went through my evening routine, called my good night down to Charlie and went back to the bedroom. I turned off the light and crawled into bed beside Jasper, in our usual spooning position, with him on the outside of the quilt and me tucked in underneath it. He sang me yet another new song as I was drifting off into sleep.

_You don't have to touch it to be  
__Wrapped up in emotion like me  
__Everyone must feel how I do  
Love is just to be close to you_

_Love is love is nothing without you  
Love is love is everything you do  
Open up your eyes and you will see  
Love is love is everything to me_

Thursday after school I was getting together with Angela. I knew Jasper was a little disappointed that I wasn't going over to his house to see him, but I had promised Angela that I would tell her what happened that Saturday I went to Seattle, and I couldn't very well do that at school. Besides, after our conversation Wednesday night, knowing that my time with my human friends was limited whereas my time with Jasper was not, so I felt less guilty about spending a few hours away from him and bonding with Angela.

Instead of going anywhere, we opted to hang out at Angela's house. Her parents wouldn't be home so we'd have plenty of privacy, and neither one of us really felt like doing anything anyway. We just needed time to talk.

When we got to the house the first thing I did, with Angela's permission, was call Jake. I had called him every day since he got sick with the same results. Billy always answered the phone and would only tell me that Jake had some sort of contagious bug and so, while he was recovering, he couldn't have any visitors. It was like listening to a recording, and this call was exactly the same. I was getting very frustrated. I offered to get a mask so that whatever Jake had wouldn't affect me, but Billy firmly refused in a tone that made it clear that he wouldn't let me into the house even if I made it to his doorstep. I hung up frustrated and angry.

"Nothing new?" Angela asked, looking at me sympathetically. I had told her about my frustration with Billy earlier in the week.

"Nope. I don't understand it and I'm really getting worried. I'll give him a few more days and then I'm going over there and seeing Jake if I have to break down the door."

Angela laughed.

"Easy, Rambobella. I'm sure his dad is just being overprotective, doesn't want his sick kid disturbed. Jake's mom is gone, right? So he's doing the job of both parents and he's probably really worried and not thinking about you."

I couldn't argue with her on that. I was always surprised at how clearly Angela saw some things and how well she could articulate a situation. I was so glad and lucky to have her as a friend. I gave her a spontaneous hug and then we grabbed some snacks form the kitchen and went up to her room.

"So . . ." she said as we sat down on her bed. "You were going to tell me what you were doing the day Ben and I went to Olympia?"

I took a deep breath. All week long I had been working on a cover story, something that would satisfy Angela but would not reveal my relationship with Jasper. Now that I was here, though, I found I didn't want to lie or withhold information. I needed someone else to talk to about Jasper, and I knew I could trust Angela to keep my secrets.

"I spent that Saturday in Seattle with a guy." I said, tentatively.

She rolled her eyes. "I kind of figured that much, Bella. Who was it? Jake?"

"No!," I looked at her, surprised. She giggled and shrugged as if to say that it wasn't such a crazy idea.

"No," I said more calmly, "but it is someone you know. Someone who used to go to school with us. And not Edward," I added quickly, remembering her speculation that I might have been heading out to LA.

Angela's eyes got wide. "A senior from last year?" she asked.

I nodded. "Now, this is probably going to shock you, but please try not to judge until you hear me out, okay? This hasn't exactly been easy."

"Oh my God, Bella, tell me already. I'm dying. And why would I want to judge?" I could see in her face that she was frantically going through all the boys who graduated in last year's Senior class, trying to figure out which one had captured my attention enough for me to want to spend a whole day with him in Seattle.

"It's a little complicated. He's kind of with someone. Well, he's going to break up with her, but hasn't yet."

Angela's jaw dropped. She snapped it closed quickly but then her mouth set in a disapproving line. I had to turn away from her harsh gaze.

"I thought you weren't going to judge," I said in a small voice. This was going every bit as badly as I had feared.

"You're right," she said. "I'm sorry. It's just that going out with a guy who's still in a relationship? That's really bad, you know? I mean, all I can think of is some girl trying to go out with Ben while he's still with me."

I buried my face in my hands.

"I know. I know what I'm doing is horrible. It didn't start out that way, I swear. At first I thought we'd just be friends, you know? After Edward I needed a friend and he needed one too, and I thought it would just be this temporary friendship. In fact, when we went to Seattle it was just as friends. And nothing really happened, except . . ."

"Except what?"

I looked up at her. "Except at the end of the night we both admitted that we felt more than friendship." I said.

"Oh." Angela's disapproval faded a bit. "So you didn't actually do anything? You just talked?"

"Yes," I wasn't quite ready to tell her about Saturday night's kiss yet. "And he agreed to go back and talk to her, and explain that he didn't want to be together with her anymore."

"Well," Angela said, "I guess that's something. I mean, not every relationship is meant to last forever. As long as he lets the other girl know and doesn't try to string both of you along . ."

I cringed at her choice of words. I knew everyone thought Jasper and Alice's relationship was going to last forever. And now he was delaying telling her and stringing both of us along. And I was a wiling participant.

"So who is it?" Angela asked. "Who has you so interested that you developed feelings for him knowing that he was already dating someone?"

Oh boy. That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? Knowing that she already disapproved, did I dare to tell her the truth? What if this confession caused me to lose Angela? What if she didn't want to be friends anymore with someone like me? Would I be able to handle that? Then I remembered what Jake said – friends stick by each other no matter what. So I forged ahead, despite my misgivings.

"It's Jasper," I said quietly.

Angela gasped. "Jasper Hale?" she asked in disbelief. "Edward's brother?"

I hung my head. "Yes," I confirmed quietly. I was surprised to feel Angela's arms around me pulling me into a hug.

"Oh, Bella, what a mess. But the Cullens are in LA. How did this happen?"

"Jasper's not in LA." I said. "He came back to Forks. He had a hard time with the move and needed some time alone. There were some family problems." This was close enough to the truth. I couldn't very well tell Angela that Jasper was a vampire and that he tried to kill me on the night of my 18th birthday.

"I don't understand. If he's back in town how come no one's seen him?"

"He didn't want people to talk, so he's been doing shopping and stuff in Port Angeles. You know, the Cullens are pretty private. I only found out he was back because I missed Edward and one evening I went out to their house and saw Jasper."

Angela leaned back away from me.

"And speaking of Edward, how is he taking this news?"

"He doesn't know," I said. "But I can't see why it would matter to him. I know I said that our parting was mutual, Angela, but really it wasn't. He left me. He broke up with me. He told me to see other people. I didn't have any choice."

"Jerk," She muttered under her breath. "I wouldn't of expected that from him. Still, I'm sure when he said other people, he didn't mean his brother," Angela said reprovingly.

"Probably not," I admitted, "And Jasper and I never intended for this to happen. But we found out we have so many things in common and enjoy each other's company so much and we can't help how we feel. It's actually been really hard for both of us. I mean, I still don't know for sure what will happen when he finally goes to tell Alice. There is a chance that she'll convince him to stay with her."

Angela groaned.

"Do you think he has any doubts?"

"No, not really. But, you know, she's Alice and I'm just me, so I'm nervous. He hasn't seen her for a while and maybe when he sees her again he'll change his mind?"

"Well, if he does then he's an idiot. I don't really know Alice that well, but you're a great person. I don't see why anyone would choose her over you."

"Thanks, Angela," I gave her a small smile.

"So what happened? I mean, how did you. . .?" she left the question open ended, but I knew she wanted details and I needed to share the details with someone, so I told her everything, about the meetings, and phone calls and our day in Seattle.

"Wow," she said as I described all the different things we did in town. "He certainly tried to sweep you off your feet, didn't he? Spared no expense?"

I blushed. "It wasn't like that," I protested. "He was just showing me different things that he enjoyed and no one else in his family wanted to do. It was really supposed to be a friendly day."

"Right." She was sceptical. "A yacht, whale watching, private lunch on top of the space needle, surf and turf dinner – I'm sure he had no ulterior motives whatsoever. Sorry, Bella, but it sounds like he set out to seduce you and you fell for it."

I shook my head.

"If he had been trying to seduce me, he would have tried to go a lot further than he did. He didn't even kiss me, Angela. And truly, if I did fall for anything that day, it was a pretty short fall. I was already there anyway."

Angela looked thoughtful for a while, and then frowned.

"What?" I asked her, a little worried.

"Huh?" she looked up at me, surprised. "Oh. I guess I was just confused. I mean, what was all that stuff with Mike last week and why did you go to the bonfire with him? I guess I can understand why you didn't bring Jasper, since you don't want anyone to know he's here, but why did you come with Mike? Didn't Jasper have a problem with that? And Mike? I mean, I see this week you guys are not so friendly any more, but . . . I guess I just don't get it."

"I told you, Mike and I were always just friends. I went to the bonfire with him as a friend. I agreed to go with him before Jasper and I had our talk, and I didn't have a good reason to cancel. But no, there's nothing romantic between Mike and me."

Angela rubbed her temples.

"I had no idea your life was this complicated, Bella. And I honestly can't see how any of this is going to end well. I mean, even assuming that Jasper does break up with Alice and you two start dating, what will the Cullen holiday dinners be like? Are you two just going to avoid his family forever? 'Cause I can't see you hanging out with Alice and Edward like nothing happened."

"I don't know, Angela. I guess I haven't really thought that far ahead. One step at a time, you know?" One thing Jasper and I would not have to worry about was holiday dinners, but Angela certainly would not have known that.

"And thanks, really," I added sincerely.

"For what?"

"I guess for not judging me too harshly. For listening and being a friend. It's been hard not having anyone to talk to about this."

"Well, sure. I mean, you're my best friend. I won't lie, I'm a little surprised. Shocked even. But if you really think this will make you happy, then I'll support you."

I launched myself at her and gave her a huge hug. "Thank you! He really does make me happy. And you are the best. Thank you so much!"

She laughed and pulled away.

"Sure. I mean, you'd do the same for me, right?"

"You know I would. Definitely." I nodded my head emphatically. Then we were quiet for a while.

"So, when is he gonna tell her?"

I looked down. "I'm not sure," I said, my voice uncertain again. "I think he'll go back this weekend. Maybe Sunday night or Monday morning?"

"And you'll let me know as soon as you hear from him?"

I nodded.

"And if he goes back to her?"

I took a deep breath. "Then I'll probably really need a shoulder to cry on."

She took my hand and squeezed it. "Well, I had one ready for you when I heard about Edward and you didn't use it then, so it's still available. But I really hope you don't need it."

"Me too, Angela. Me too. But enough about me already. Tell me about you and Ben. What did you do in Olympia?"

Angela told me all about her and Ben's day in Olympia. While their plans had not been as elaborate as Jasper's, it sounded like they had a lot of fun. I envied them the ability to spend the day together publicly, with everyone knowing. I couldn't wait to be able to do that with Jasper. And maybe some day, while I was still human, we could go on a a double date with Ben and Angela. I really wanted to do that. I wanted Angela to meet the Jasper I knew, not the aloof Jasper that she had known in school. I wanted her to approve of him and like him and be happy for me to be with him. I wanted to have that human experience before Jasper and I embarked on our more solitary life as vampires.

I called Jasper on the way back home and he joined me in my room after dinner. This time he brought over the portable DVD player. We sat together on my bed, me between his legs leaning against him, the DVD player balanced on top of my knees, and watched another episode of Firefly. It was such a simple evening, but it made me so happy.

At night, after we had settled in and turned off the light, I explained that I told Angela everything, and he seemed pleased for me. When I told him about my double date idea, though, he actually seemed a bit worried.

"I'd never interacted with humans on that level before," he said. "What if I can't do it? What if they think I'm weird and hate me? What if after meeting me she decides that I'm not good enough for you?"

I laughed at the idea.

"She won't. How could she? You're wonderful! But if she or anyone else ever tried to talk me out of being with you, I would just ignore them. Because I know you're more than just good enough for me – you're perfect!"

"I'm hardly perfect, Darlin'," he chuckled. "In fact, I'm deeply flawed."

"Hmmm. Then it's just like in that Sarah Teasdale poem: "your faults had made me love you more!"

He pulled me closer to him and kissed my cheek before growling in my ear. "You're not playing fair, you know."

"Oh?" I asked, not really knowing what he was talking about.

"You can't just throw that phrase around if you won't let me say it."

I considered this. I really wasn't being fair.

"You could sing it," I said softly.

"Really?" he confirmed.

"Yeah. I'm actually curious which song you would pick."

He thought about this for a while.

"Well, here's one you probably haven't heard of. It's a little before your time.

_Alright, already, I'm just a no-goodnick!  
Alright, already, it's true.  
So new.  
So sue me, sue me  
What can you do me?  
I love you._

"I didn't know you were a fan of musicals," I murmured. "_Guys and Dolls_ is one of my favorites."

We both started laughing.

"Well, if that doesn't prove we're perfect for each other, nothing will," he acknowledged.

"Like I said," I replied smugly, before falling asleep.

**

* * *

**

Yes, yes, I know. Complete and total self-indulgent fluff **at the end there. So sue me! LOL! I just can't write enough of these two together and stop myself from making them love all the things I do.**

**The songs in this chapter were **_**Love is Love **_**by Culture Club (a line form ths song also serves as the chapter title) and **_**Sue Me**_** from the musical 'Guys and Dolls'. You'll find links to both in my profile. **

**Reviews are always welcome! Thanks!**


	40. Chapter 40: Just Like Heaven

**This is the last of the fluffy stuff for a while (and this, even more than last chapter, is truly purely gratuitous fluff), so enjoy it while it lasts! **

**After this we'll have angst, angst and more angst all the way to the end. **

**Also, a huge Congratulations to Lillie Cullen on her win in the Twi-Fi Awards in the Best non-canon couple for _A Lesson In Release_. If you haven't read that story yet (and you're old enough to read M-rated stuff) do yourself a favor and read it now. It's fabulous!**

**And if you feel like casting any more votes, Golden Moon has been nominated for the Edward Award (kind of ironic, I know) for Best Romance at The Cullen Awards. Voting is open now through May 26 and the link is in my profile. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 40: Just Like Heaven

Pulling into the clearing in front of the Cullen house Friday afternoon I was as happy as I've ever been. During our talk Thursday Angela had agreed to cover for me both today and Saturday, so I could have time to spend with Jasper. Tonight Charlie thought I was in Port Angeles seeing a movie with Angela and Ben. Tomorrow he thought the three of us were going to the Tacoma Holiday Food and Gift Festival. Angela even promised to pick me up some token gifts so that this particular alibi would look authentic. All I had to do was meet her at the Newton's store parking lot at the appointed time to pick up my "purchases." She really was my best friend and now that she knew about Jasper she was all too willing to help, as long as I promised it would be for a limited period of time until he broke up with Alice and officially returned to Forks.

It was hard lying to Charlie, but it would have been harder to stay away from Jasper, so I did what I had to do. I knew that the lies were minor – Jasper and I weren't really doing anything that Charlie would disapprove of if he knew about them, which made me feel slightly less guilty. Of course, I didn't know how well he would accept my dating Edward's brother, but we would have to cross that bridge when we came to it. If worst came to worst, Jasper could manipulate Charlie's emotions into liking him, at least as long as he was around Charlie, though this would be the absolutely last resort and I fervently hoped it wouldn't be necessary.

Jasper was waiting for me outside when I arrived and I eagerly jumped out of the truck and into his arms. We shared a long kiss that left me breathless before he released me and moved to stand behind me.

"I have a surprise for you," he whispered in my ear, "but I have to make sure you won't peek. Close your eyes."

I did as he asked, then felt a soft and smooth piece of fabric being wrapped over my eyes. Suddenly I was completely blind. I shivered involuntarily with anticipation and a bit of fear. I was uncoordinated enough with both eyes wide open – how would I navigate the distance between the truck and the house blind? Of course, I needn't have worried, because almost immediately I felt Jasper's arms slide around my back and beneath my knees as he picked me up and carried me inside.

Once somewhere in the living room he set me back down again, making sure I was steady on my feet before releasing me. I felt his breath by my ear once more. This time, he leaned over, kissed my neck and gently nibbled my earlobe before he spoke, causing me to lean back into his chest for support.

"I've been waiting all week for you to come over here. Not that hanging out with you at your house isn't fun, but it's been torture waiting to show you this."

He reached behind my head and untied the fabric, slipping it off my eyes so I could see again. I opened my eyes and blinked a couple of times to adjust to the light. Then I gasped. Standing in front of me was a gleaming Addam's Family pinball machine. My eyes widened with shock and pleasure. The conversation we had about pinball seemed so long ago. I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that he remembered, but I was. I was also filled with an incredible amount of joy.

I turned and wrapped my arms around him, looking up into his eyes.

"I can't believe you remembered and found it so fast," I said, my voice filled with awe. "Thank you!"

"I take it you liked your surprise?" he asked, smiling widely.

"Liked it? No. I love it! We're gonna have so much fun!"

Jasper laughed. He dipped his head and brushed his lips against mine in a quick kiss. "I love seeing you this happy over a simple pinball machine. It makes me wonder what other toys I can get for you in the future to get you even more excited," He was using his low, sexy voice and the innuendo was obvious. I blushed and buried my face in his chest.

"Jasper!" I admonished.

He chuckled. "Sorry, Darlin'. It was too hard to resist."

I groaned. He kept chuckling.

"Yeah, that too. So are you ready to try it out?"

"Sure," I said. "Though just to refresh my recollection I wonder if you could take the first round, the way you played that last round in Seattle?"

"Mmmm," he said, "that was probably the best round of pinball I've ever played. Let's see if I can do it again."

I turned and we walked closer to the machine together. I placed my fingers over the flipper buttons and he placed his hands over mine after releasing the ball. I leaned back into him and watched as he masterfully sent the ball flying around the field, hitting everything he needed to complete the tricks.

Much as I loved watching the game, this time I could also be more relaxed about watching him, so I moved my head to the side and looked up at his strong chin, the line of his cheek bone, and his beautiful nose, all giving him such a gorgeous, chiseled profile. I couldn't help myself. I had to shift my head slightly so that I could place a soft kiss on his neck. For the first time I felt him waver in his play, moving slightly to the left and pushing his hips forward a bit, the way I often did when playing pinball, as though the movement of my body could influence the movement of the ball across the field. Feeling powerful in my ability to distract him even a little, I flicked my tongue against his neck in tiny, almost imperceptible licks. I was rewarded with another shift and another hip bump.

"I thought you wanted me to finish this round flawlessly, Darlin'," he growled.

"Oh, sorry," I said innocently, "was I distracting you?"

"Just a bit," he said, his voice slightly strained.

"Hmm, guess I have to try harder."

I tried to free my hands from the flipper buttons, but he anticipated my move and kept them firmly in place underneath his.

"I don't think so, you little minx," he said as he continued to play. "It's not going to be that easy."

"Is that a challenge, Major Whitlock? 'Cause I'm not sure challenging me like that is in your best interest," I warned.

"I think I can handle you, Darlin', even as determined as you seem to be."

"Oh, really?" I was getting a little miffed now at being so easily dismissed. I had already shown I could distract him with the minimum of effort, hadn't I?

I turned my head more and fastened my lips on his Adam's apple, sucking it gently into my mouth. He swallowed hard, but did not interrupt his play. I lifted up on my toes and continued to nip and nibble up his neck to his chin with a similar lack of results. I felt his chest shake gently with silent mirth as he continued to work the flippers, keeping the ball in play. Clearly, I needed more firepower, but without the use of my hands my options were limited. There was only one thing I could think of. I narrowed my eyes in a gleeful smile as I turned to look forward again.

"Giving up already?" he teased, "I would have expected a little more perseverance."

"Don't worry, Jasper. I can be quite tenacious. I'm not giving up, just changing strategy. It's time to play hardball."

I pressed myself back against him as hard as I could, lowering myself to my heels then raising to my tiptoes again. I heard his sharp intake of breath and then a muffled curse as I saw the ball travel perfectly down the middle of the field, disappearing between the flippers.

"Gotcha," I purred.

"You were playing dirty," he accused.

"Nope," I giggled. "Just using the only weapon I had at my disposal."

He turned me around and lowered his head, pressing his lips against my neck in an imitation of my previous actions. I shivered and sighed. It was the most exquisite kind of torture.

"Next time I'll have to keep better track of your military asset," he growled suggestively against my throat, "so that I'm not caught off guard again."

I giggled and pushed back against his chest, ducking under his arm to escape to a safe distance.

"Military asset indeed," I said. Two could play at this double entendre game. "You're a regular comedian, Major Whitlock. A real stand-up."

"At least I have experience," he retorted with a smile, clearly understanding the game, "When it comes to this kind of comedy, you're all wet."

Ooh, he was good. And he was also probably right. I was certain to run out of quips before he would. Still, I wasn't ready to give up quite yet.

"Maybe," I replied, "But you saw earlier what happens when you get too cocky."

And that was pretty much it. I didn't think I could come up with another clever response.

He looked at me, gauging my mood, then nodded his head slightly in my direction with a half-smile.

"Touché, Darlin'. You win this round, but we will play this game again some day in another, more appropriate venue."

"Promises, promises," I said lightly, though I was all hot and bothered inside. The things he could do to me with just his choice of words and the tone of his voice were pretty amazing.

"Don't worry, I remember them all," he said with a wink.

I blushed. Darn vampire perfect recall. Or, as I reconsidered, maybe that should be rephrased as fabulous vampire perfect recall? I kind of wanted him to remember all these promises. But for now, we really needed to re-focus.

"So what now?" I asked.

"Well, now you're going to practice your pinball skills while I cook you dinner."

I raised an eyebrow.

"You're going to cook me dinner? Feeling so confident in your cooking skills already?"

He grimaced a little, but recovered quickly with a smile.

"I chose an easy recipe that's supposed to be a real winner. And I figure you cook enough to be able to tell if I really mess it up, in which case I will be happy to drive us to Port Angeles and take you out to dinner."

"I could help," I offered, but I knew he would refuse. Suddenly cooking for me seemed like something he really wanted to do, almost like a test.

"I really think I can handle it," he answered as I expected. "Just have fun. It should only take me a half hour or so. I'll let you know when it's ready."

"All right," I said and made my way back to the pinball machine. As we passed each other, he on his way to the kitchen, he caught my left hand in his right and brought it up to his lips for a brief kiss before letting it go. I smiled, feeling all warm inside.

For the next thirty minutes I lost myself in pinball. This really was one of my favorite machines and the more I played the more I remembered and the more comfortable I became. I made a conscious effort not to look back towards the kitchen, although the smells that were wafting over were absolutely delicious. I smelled garlic and fresh tomatoes, pasta and chocolate. I couldn't wait to see what Jasper was concocting so I was really excited when he finally came out of the kitchen to stand beside me.

"Have you managed to build up an appetite?" he asked. "Dinner's on the table."

I could tell he was nervous, so I gave him my warmest smile. "I'm sure it'll be delicious."

"I'm just hoping not to give you food poisoning."

"Don't be silly. I'm sure it will all be fine."

He took my hand as we walked to the dining room, where he had already set the table. He pulled out my chair for me and pushed me in after I sat. It all felt so formal. I probably would have preferred to eat at the kitchen counter, but this felt like it was important to him and I didn't want to spoil his moment.

"I'll be right back," he said and disappeared into the kitchen, presumably to plate the food. He came back balancing a salad, a bread plate and an entrée. Setting all three in front of me he looked so proud of himself, I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.

"Aren't you going to eat?" he asked.

"I was hoping you'd sit with me," I said. "I know you won't be eating, but sitting here alone, well, it feels a little awkward."

"Of course," he said as he sat down. "I'm sorry!"

"No, it's okay," I reassured him. "I'd just like to talk to you while I eat and I can't do that if you're hovering."

I looked at the food he prepared. A Caesar salad, a side of Italian bread and linguine with shrimp in garlic butter sauce. It all looked great. I tucked into my Caesar salad and tasted the pasta, both of which were fabulous!

"Mmmm. As I predicted, absolutely delicious!" I exclaimed after taking my first bite. He relaxed a little.

"Really, you like it? You're not just humoring me?"

"You'd know, wouldn't you, Jasper? Do you feel anything from me right now other than absolute enjoyment? This is wonderful! Please don't ever cook for Charlie – he wouldn't want to eat my stuff anymore."

He smiled and grabbed my hand. I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss.

"I'd better do this before I get permeated with garlic," I said, "Thank you. This is . . . I don't have the words. It's just really special!"

We talked while I ate. For dessert Jasper served warm brownie a la mode, which tasted absolutely heavenly. After dinner I helped him clean up the kitchen and then we went into the living room to watch more Firefly. I was sad to find we were almost at the end of the available episodes, and railed at the Fox network executives who had prematurely cancelled such a great show.

I left Jasper's house before curfew. For the first time since Saturday night I would be spending the night alone. Thanks to Angela and Ben we would be able to spend all Saturday together, but that meant that Jasper needed to hunt, so he would not be able to be with me at night. Just as I'd suspected, even though we spent the night together on the phone, like before, it felt very strange and awful to be in bed without him. I had gotten much too used to having him around. I wondered how I would be able to handle the separation when he left for Alaska. I would not be able to see him for days. The thought made me extremely anxious.

Saturday morning Charlie and I ate breakfast before his fishing trip, though he would be going alone. Billy was apparently still taking care of Jake.

"I'm really starting to worry about him, Dad," I complained. "Billy won't even let me talk to him. I mean, it's not like he can spread whatever it is he has through the phone line."

"It is a little strange," Charlie admitted. "Tell you what, I'll stop over there after I'm done and see if I can find anything out, all right? I'll try to talk Billy into letting you visit."

"Thanks, dad," I gave him a quick hug. "I can't go today, obviously, and I'm working tomorrow and Monday, but I couuld head over there Tuesday evening. That will give Jake that much more time to get better."

"All right, Bells, I'll see what I can do. I'm sure Billy will be reasonable."

Based on Billy's attitude the past week I didn't share Charlie's certainty, but he had a better chance of convincing Billy of letting me visit Jake than I did, so I had to let him try. And if that didn't work then Billy had better get used to having someone camped out on his door step, because I was going to La Push next week and I wouldn't leave until I saw or spoke with Jake.

After Charlie left I drove over to Jasper's. As usual, he was waiting for me outside.

"I missed you last night," I told him as he enveloped me in his arms. "It's just not the same without you there."

"I know, Darlin'. It was strange hunting at night again," he smiled. "Easier, though. I think our last week together lulled the animals into a false sense of security." He kissed me sweetly and I melted.

"So what would you like to do today?" he asked. "We can stay here, go hiking, go for a drive. . ."

My eyes lit up at the last suggestion.

"You'll take me for a ride in the Shooting Star?"

He laughed, a full laugh that had him throwing his head back. He looked absolutely glorious.

"How the hell do you keep surprising me like that, Bella? From _Guys and Dolls_ to Speed Racer? I already thought you were perfect, Darlin', and yet you keep improving on that perfection every day!"

I smiled. "I bet I have a lot more surprises up my sleeve, Racer. Now, how about that ride? I can't wait to watch you drive again."

"Well, I certainly would not want to keep you waiting. Let's go."

The car was as sexy as I remembered and reminded me just as much of Jasper as it did the first time. I sat back and relaxed in the bucket seat, turning to watch him expertly maneuver the vehicle out of the garage and towards the road.

"Are we going anywhere in particular?" he asked.

I shook my head.

"Let's just drive for a while. When we see something interesting we can stop. Otherwise, I just want to enjoy the ride."

"A woman after my own heart. Hang in there, Darlin', and I'll show you what this Shooting Star can do."

He headed south, and once we were out of town he accelerated to some ungodly speed. Oddly enough, I felt none of the apprehension I always used to feel with Edward behind the wheel. This car, as an extension of Jasper, seemed to function best when it was really revved up and nearly flying. Somehow, the faster we drove, the more secure I felt.

For a while Jasper and I didn't talk, just took turns watching each other. I was happy and content and I could tell he was enjoying himself as well. The hum of the engine was soothing and it helped me drift off into my thoughts, as I imagined what life would be like for us after I turned into a vampire. It seemed so strange to think about now. Before, I had always assumed that after I became a vampire Edward and I would live with the rest of the Cullens. But now, with the situation between Edward and me and Alice and Jasper, that probably was not going to be possible. So Jasper and I would likely live by ourselves, our own little coven, just like his friends Peter and Charlotte. Would we try to stay in one place, or would we move around like the nomads? Without the Cullens, what would we do to suport ourselves? Question after question crowded into my head. It was getting overwhelming.

"You're deep in thought," Jasper's voice broke into my musings. "Care to share?"

"I was just thinking what things will be like after I become a vampire. How does that work, exactly?"

Jasper grimaced.

"I can't lie to you, Bella, it's extremely painful. It's the most excruciating three days of any vampire's existence and the memory of the pain stays with you forever. I will try to make sure I get enough venom into you to speed up the process as much as possible and I will try to ease your pain as well, but I don't believe there is a way to eliminate the pain completely."

I shuddered. I remembered the pain I felt when James bit me last spring. It only lasted for a few minutes until Edward sucked out the venom, but I knew I would never forget the horror of it. To have to endure that pain for three days seemed absolutely impossible.

"But then, after the three days, it'll all be over, right?" I asked weakly.

"The pain will be over, yes."

I could tell by the tone of his voice that he wasn't telling me everything.

"But?" I prodded.

He sighed. I noticed that the car was slowing down and I was momentarily distracted as I looked around.

"Where are we?" I asked curiously.

"Ocean City State Park," he answered. "I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach?"

"Okay," I said, as I realized that other than the Seattle waterfront, Jasper and I hadn't been to a beach together. "That sounds nice."

He helped me out of the car and we walked, hand in hand, until we found the beach trail. From there it was a short walk though the woods to the beach itself. This time of year the weather was fairly cold, so even though it was a Saturday, the beach was practically deserted, with only a few birds noticing our arrival. I shivered from the cold and Jasper quickly offered me his jacket which, knowing that he would not suffer from the cold, I gladly accepted. Once I had his jacket on he placed his right arm around me and we walked leisurely along the sand, staying away from the cold water.

"The pain will be over after three days, but?" I reminded him of the previous conversation.

He looked down at me and, realizing that I was determined to get an answer, continued his previous line of thought.

"But for the next year you won't exactly be yourself."

"Not myself? What do you mean?"

"Newborn vampires are much like newborn human children. They live to satisfy only the most basic needs. Human infants seem to need to sleep, eat, get rid of waste and be touched. Vampire newborns only have one need – blood. The blood lust completely overwhelms them and prevents them from thinking about anything else. Their sole desire is to feed as much as possible, and they crave human blood."

"But Carlisle never . . ."

"Carlisle is an extremely unique individual. He is the only vampire I know who had been able to resist killing humans without the guidance of his maker. His human spiritual foundation was extremely strong. And even though Carlisle does not believe himself to have any special powers, I believe his ability to resist human blood and to co-exist with bleeding humans on a daily basis as he must in his job, is a special ability. Under the right circumstances it's an ability that could prove to be very strategic . . ."

"Jasper!" I could see talking about newborn vampires was stirring up a lot of memories for him, and his mindset was shifting to that of a military leader. While I loved that side of him, especially when he was protecting me from Laurent, right now I needed him to tell me what to expect after my transformation.

He looked down at me, startled. Then, realizing what he had said, he gave me an apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Darlin'. Old habits die hard, I guess."

"It's okay. I understand. But back to what I will be like as a newborn. Are you telling me that for months after I turn into a vampire my single drive will be to kill people and drink their blood?"

He looked away. "I'm afraid so, which means that we will have to find a place to live very far away from any humans. I will be absorbing some of your bloodlust just by being around you so even though I fully expect I will be able to control you and myself, it will be best if we remove ourselves completely from any temptation. I was thinking we could live far in Northern Canada. The cold won't bother us, there will be animals for us to hunt and few humans ever venture there."

"Few humans?"

"Bella, there's no place on earth we can go where we are guaranteed not to encounter any humans. There always seems to be someone with a death wish who goes on an expedition to places men are not meant to go. But with an area as large as northern Canada, and with as few people who make it there, the odds of us running into one of those foolish humans are extremely small."

I pondered what he had told me. A year of living in the freezing cold with no desire other than to drink human blood. It sounded horrible. Not just for me, but for him as well.

"Jasper?" I asked with some trepidation, "Won't you resent me for taking you away from civilization and forcing you to spend that year with me when I will be so awful? I mean, I won't be me anymore. Will you still want to stay with me after I change?"

He stopped, turned towards me and pulled me into his arms, lifting me so I was at his eye level. "You'll be acting a little differently, but underneath it all you will always be you, Bella, and I will always want to be with you, forever! Do you really think some newborn vampire growing pains could chase me away? Especially with all the experience I've had with rearing newborns? No, Darlin', once I change you I intend never to leave your side. In fact, I rather look forward to that first year of yours. I'm experienced in teaching newborns how to channel their blood lust into violence, but with you I intend to try something different."

I gulped. "Diff . . . different?" I stuttered, unable to break away from his increasingly darkening eyes. My breathing quickened.

"Quite." His voice just a bit more raspy than normal. "I'm hoping to be able to teach you how to channel your blood lust into just plain old fashioned lust. And if I'm successful, that will give us a year neither of us will ever want to forget. Does that sound acceptable?"

My affirmative response was lost as his mouth lowered and captured mine in an electrically charged kiss that stunned me to the core with its intensity. I felt his tongue probing at the junction between my lips, which parted easily to give him entrance and allowed him to freely explore the inside of my mouth, coating every surface with his delicious spicy flavor until I was drowning in his essence. I slid my hands into his hair and interlocked my legs around him tightly to press myself even closer to him, trying to somehow merge myself into his body.

I dimly felt a change in elevation as he slid to his knees, still holding me tightly and never breaking off that incredible, mind blowing kiss. I felt completely consumed, absorbed, devoured, yet the feeling brought with it the most incredible amount of pleasure. Words failed to describe the sensations spreading through my body. It was as if all of nature's most powerful and forceful phenomena – earthquakes, tornadoes, tsunamis, flash floods, hurricanes, avalanches and forest fires – existed within me all at once, unbearable and exquisite. For a moment I was on an edge of a precipice, waiting for something I could not identify but wanted more than I've ever wanted anything in my life, all of my muscles tense and coiled with the anticipation. And then, as if a spring had sprung, all of the tension was released in a pulsing riptide of relaxation and I was floating, no longer connected to my physical body, but existing entirely in the state of unadulterated bliss.

Gradually I floated back into my body and became aware of changes. Jasper's lips were no longer covering mine and his forehead was now pressed into the space between my neck and collar bone, his heavy, ragged breaths meeting the tone and tempo of my own. My hands were still intertwined in his hair and I used them now to pull up his head as I leaned back to look at him with glazed eyes.

"Oh. My. God!" I said breathlessly.

"I know." he said.

"What was that? What did you do to me?"

He leaned over to kiss me, gently and quickly but still sending a shiver right through me.

"I really didn't do anything," he sounded almost apologetic. "Well, I may have inadvertently shared some of what I was already feeling from you, but I swear, Bella, I wasn't trying to manipulate . . ."

I placed a finger over his mouth to silence him and shook my head. I was suddenly feeling more self-possessed and self-confident.

"That was a rhetorical question, Racer," I said. "I'm not so naïve that I can't recognize what happened and that emotionally it was all me. I just meant, wow. Just wow. And how does that song go? _Show me, show me, show me how you do that trick?_"

He laughed in relief and pulled me into a tight embrace. "Are you trying to tell me that was . . ."

"Yup. Just like heaven."

He held me for a long time with neither one of us saying a word. Finally, as the flush started to leave my cheeks and I once more became aware of the chill in the wind, I pressed my lips against his ear and said "I love you, Jasper Whitlock. And to answer your earlier question, a year of that sort of instruction would be more than acceptable. In fact, it may not be long enough."

**

* * *

**

The song, of course, is _**Just Like Heaven**_** by The Cure. There's a link in my profile.**

**For all these of you who have been waiting for this, we will finally hear from Alice in the next chapter. However, now that several of the following chapters have been posted and I've read the readers' reactions, I feel I must warn you that if you cannot handle bad things happening in this relationship, you may want to just consider this the last chapter and stop reading now. The rest of the story is very much filled with angst and is likely to make you dislike one or more of the characters, so if you just do not want to go there, this is a perfectly good place to stop and move on to other stories. **

**Anwhether you do or do not go on to read the rest of the story, I'd love to know what you think of this last bit of Jasperella fluff. **


	41. Chapter 41: Even Superman

**Well, this is the chapter many of you have been waiting for. I can't say that I enjoyed writing it, but the story was always meant to go this way, so here it is. **

**Just as a reminder, if the story gets to be too hard, you can always go back and re-read the fluff. That's what I plan to do. A lot!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

_He held me for a long time with neither one of us saying a word. Finally, as the flush started to leave my cheeks and I once more became aware of the chill in the wind, I pressed my lips against his ear and said "I love you, Jasper Whitlock. And to answer your earlier question, a year of that sort of instruction would be more than acceptable. In fact, it may not be long enough."_

**

* * *

**

Chapter 41: Even Superman

"Well then we'll just have to stay as long as it takes," Jasper replied. I sighed and shivered, this time from the chill as much as from what he said. Jasper noticed my discomfort.

"Should we get you back to the car?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "I'm getting a little cold."

He stood up with me still clinging to him, my legs wrapped around his waist. I started to unhook them, but he stopped me. "I don't want to let you go just yet and it'll be faster if I carry you," he explained. "Indulge me?"

He didn't run, but he moved at a fast clip and got me back to the car much faster than I would have been able to walk. Before I knew it we were driving again, the heater at full blast. We drove to Ocean Shores where we stopped so I could have lunch. After lunch we walked around town and stepped into a few of the cute boutiques where I picked up a couple of Christmas presents for Renee and Angela. Then we drove back to Forks and played pinball and games at his house before it was time for him to go hunt and for me to meet Angela in the Newton's store parking lot to pick up my "purchases".

After I got home I had a little bit of time before Jasper was done hunting so I got caught up on my homework and got ready for bed. Jasper arrived about a half hour after Charlie went to sleep and we talked in the dark while cuddling on my bed. There was only one awkward moment for me when I asked Jasper when he was heading back to Alaska and he skillfully but obviously avoided answering. It was late and I didn't want to spoil the day by pressing him for an explanation he was clearly reluctant to provide, but the uncertainly of the situation was really starting to bother me. I resolved to be more firm the next day and get the answers I needed. The relationship was going too far too fast for him to keep postponing his trip. I needed to know whether he was truly mine or not before it was too late and I lost myself in my feelings for him so much that I didn't care.

Sunday I had breakfast with Charlie and then he left to watch the game at La Push while I got ready for work. It took less time than I thought, so when I pulled into the store parking lot I had a few minutes to spare before I had to go in to start my shift. I leaned back in my seat and closed my eyes, thinking about the days Jasper and I had just spent together. Being with him made me feel so wonderful, so completely happy. It felt like we were two pieces of a puzzle that interlocked and fully completed each other.

The soft humming from my bag startled me out of my thoughts. It took me a moment to realize that it had to be my cell phone. I frowned. I had just seen Jasper a few hours ago. I wondered what he needed to talk to me about. I reached into the bag and pulled out the phone, flipping it open. I glanced at the display but didn't recognize the number. Was Jasper calling me from a different phone?

"Jasper?" I said tentatively after pressing the answer button.

"No, Bella, it's not Jasper," the familiar voice had none of its typical metallic tingling warmth. Instead, it sounded like sleet or hail against a pane of glass.

"Hi, Alice," I said weakly. I was shocked to hear her voice, wondering how she got the number. It would have been rude to ask, though, so I just remained silent, waiting for her to tell me the reason for her call. When she spoke, she didn't mince words.

"You little bitch! I thought we were friends. How could you do this to me? I don't understand. How could you try to steal my mate, Bella? Wasn't making one member of our family miserable enough for you? Didn't ruining Edward's life satisfy you? Did you have to try to hurt me as well?"

"Alice," I started to explain, but I couldn't get in any more than that one word.

"And it's not just Edward and I, Bella. You've made our whole family miserable. After everything we've done for you! You ungrateful little . . . human." She spat the last word venomously, making humans sound like the lowest life forms on earth.

"Your stupid weaknesses drove Edward so insane he actually thought he had to leave you for your own good, and he forced all of us to abandon our home too in the process! And then we were all so depressed that Jasper couldn't handle being with us and had to stay behind. How do you think that made us feel? He didn't even keep in touch! And it was all because of you!

"At first I felt sorry for you, seeing you at our house, so pathetic in your attempts to hang on to your memories of Edward. And I could tell that being around you was actually helping Jasper adjust to humans, it was good for him. But I never expected you to turn on me, Bella, to try to seduce someone that I love more than my own life. Even as I saw the visions I thought I was going mad from missing him. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me. I was so sure of you. My friend. So sure you would never . . .

"But it was all true, wasn't it, Bella? All those visions. All the time you spent luring him into your sad little human life," She laughed bitterly.

"I didn't try to lure him, Alice," I managed to say, "Jasper . . ."

"Don't! Don't you dare put any of the blame for this on him. He's weak. He has always been weak. And he's needy. And without me there he turned to the only thing available for support. You're the one who took advantage of that need. You're the one who kept going over to the house and calling him. This is all your fault!"

I gulped. Her words stung because she was right. I was the one who went to the house first and kept going back. I was the one who called him every night. Even the first night he spent with me in my room I had been the one to ask him to come over. Silent tears flowed down my face. It had all been me. How could I have been so stupid? How did I not see?

"You may think you've won, Bella, but you haven't. Because in the end only I can give him the control he needs. Only I can tell him what to do so he doesn't slip. And he'll realize that and he'll come back to me. Mark my words, Bella. He will come back to me. I have had that vision too. You may be able to hang on to him for a while longer, but in the end he'll leave you and return to me. And he knows it, Bella. He knows it and now so do you.

"Did he tell you we spoke last Saturday? He actually called to tell me it was over, that we were over," she sounded incredulous. "He told me he wanted to spend forever with you," her laugh was like nails on a chalkboard. "Over? Not by a long shot. I told him then and I'm telling you now – it will never be over between Jasper and me! He's mine! Mine! Do you hear? You have him now but he will come back to me and he will be mine for eternity!" she was screeching now. My ear was starting to hurt.

"Why do you think he's still there now, in Forks, instead of coming to Alaska to break it off with me in person like you keep asking him to? Because he knows what will happen, Bella. He knows once he actually sees me again he won't be able to leave me. He thinks by staying there he can change the future, but he's only postponing the inevitable. I've had the vision, Bella, and you know what that means. On some level he's already decided, already made up his mind to return to me. He may not be able to acknowledge that yet, but in time he will leave you. Maybe not now, maybe not for a while, but he'll leave you the same way Edward left you. Because you're nothing but a plaything, a novelty, you have nothing of consequence to offer him permanently. You may be interesting and new now, but that will fade and Jasper will remember who has really been there for him over the decades.

"So enjoy him while you can, you Jezebel. Soon enough you will be old news and he will be with me, where he's always belonged."

Then there was silence. I looked at the display and saw that she had terminated the connection. Slowly I flipped the phone closed and placed it back in my bag. Then I buried my face in my hands and began to sob. Alice's words kept replaying in my mind "novelty, plaything, Jezebel. He will leave you!" Each word was like a knife slicing up my insides. I had been so stupid, so thoughtless.

I felt it all slipping away. It didn't matter how he felt about me, it didn't matter how right we were for each other. In the end, Alice had what he needed and he would abandon me for her. I relived those moments on the path with Edward. All that pain. Was I destined to be miserable all my life? Was this my punishment for reaching too high, for thinking I could find love beyond the realm of my human reality?

My body was wrecked by wave after relentless wave of sobs. I was gulping for breath, having a hard time finding enough oxygen. All the happiness, hopes and dreams that I had just hours before drained from me amid the floor of tears. I had nothing left inside but grief and disgust. Grief for the foolish girl who let herself believe that she could ever be good enough for an immortal and disgust for the temptress who tried to take what she knew very well didn't belong to her.

I don't know how long I sat in my truck sobbing. After some time I became vaguely aware of the door to the truck opening and Mike asking what was wrong. I couldn't respond. I didn't have enough energy and I didn't deserve to take up anyone's time with my sorrow. But Mike, persistent as always, kept asking. And when I still didn't say anything, I felt him unbuckle my seatbelt, lift me out of the truck and carry me to the grassy area on the side of the parking lot, where he sat and cradled me to him tightly. I tried to struggle out of his grasp, but I was too dazed and weak. I barely even heard him as he tried to question me.

"My God, Bella, what happened? What's wrong? Bella, honey, talk to me, say something. You're scaring me. Please, tell me what's wrong? Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you, Bella?"

I said nothing, just continued to weep. I felt his hold on me loosen for a second, then heard him speak again.

"Ben? Where's Angela? I would have called her but I don't have her number. I'm at the store parking lot with Bella. Something's happened. I don't know what. She won't talk to me. I found her in her truck crying. I told you, she isn't talking, at least not to me. I need Angela. Okay. Get her and meet me at my house. My parents are both at the store today so the coast is clear. All right. I'm leaving now. I'll see you soon."

I felt myself being picked up and carried to a vehicle, not my truck. I soon realized it was Mike's Suburban. He put me in the passenger seat and buckled me up, then ran to the driver's side. He was on the road before he made another call.

"Mom, something's wrong with Bella. I don't know. She's really upset. She definitely won't be able to work today. Actually I'm taking her to our house and Ben and Angela are meeting us there. I think Bella will talk to Angela. Thanks, Mom. I'll let you know as soon as I know anything."

I felt his warm, large hand pick up mine and squeeze.

"Bella, I know you don't want to talk, but please listen, okay? We're going to my house and Angela is coming. She'll meet us there. She's going to help, okay? But you need to tell her what's wrong. Ben and I will leave. We don't have to know. Just, whatever it is, please tell her. Please let her help you. Let us help you!"

I wasn't really listening to Mike carefully, but the tone of his voice and the reassuring way he was holding my hand helped calm me a bit. Then we were at his house and Ben and Angela were there too. Mike left the car and opened the passenger door to lift me out.

"Jesus Christ, what happened to her?" I heard Ben say.

"Shut up, Ben!" Angela's voice was harsh. In my haze I still registered surprise at her tone. I'd never heard her speak that way to anyone, much less Ben.

Mike carried me to the couch in the family room and laid me down. He knelt on one knee on the floor beside the couch and gently pushed my hair out of my face, tucking the wet, loose strands behind my ear. His face was full of concern and the look in his eyes was oddly tender.

"Whatever it is, it'll be fine," he said softly. "We'll make sure it's all right. Just tell Angela everything, okay?"

"Mike," I heard Angela say off to the side, "do you have any idea what happened?"

He stood up and walked out of my line of sight.

"No. I saw her truck in the parking lot and expected her to come in to work, but she was out there for a long time without doing anything, so I went to see what was going on and found her pretty much like this. Actually, she was even worse. I tried to get her to talk to me, to tell me what happened, but she wouldn't say a word. So I called Ben to get you and came here. I'm really worried, Angela. If she doesn't talk to you I think we'll have to take her to a doctor."

I moaned at the mention of a doctor. There was nothing a doctor could do for me. I closed my eyes to help me hear better.

"I don't think that'll be necessary," Angela said. "I think she'll talk to me."

"Okay. You don't think anyone hurt her? 'Cause I swear . . ."

"Mike, don't get carried away, all right? Look at her. Other than the crying she looks fine. Let me find out what happened. Just get me some tissues and a trash can and some water, all right? And then you guys need to go outside or upstairs, I don't really care where, but she and I need to be alone."

I heard footsteps moving back and forth through other parts of the house. Then there was silence. I felt a small hand smoothing down my hair.

"Hey, Bella. It's me, Angela. The boys are gone. They can't hear. Can you tell me what's wrong?"

I shook my head, but opened my tear-filled eyes to look at her. Her kind face contorted in pain.

"Oh Bella," she said. "I know this must be hard but you have to tell me what happened. If you don't, Mike will insist on taking you to a doctor. Come on. Can't you talk to me? You know you can tell me anything."

"No. Doctor," I choked out, "Can't. Help. With. This."

"All right, but then you have to talk to me. You're really scaring us. Mike is terrified and ready to rip people to pieces. Can you sit up?"

I nodded, and pushed myself up into a sitting position. Angela handed me a few tissues. I used a couple to dry my eyes and blow my nose. She was ready with a small trash can where I deposited the used tissues. She handed me a glass of water and instructed me to drink. I did, and it helped me calm down a little. When she saw that I was no longer sobbing, she took the glass out of my hand and set it on a nearby table.

"Now, tell me what happened."

"It's Alice. She called me. She knows everything and she wants Jasper back."

I started crying again. Angela's face clouded over and she handed me some more tissues. I dabbed at my eyes.

"When did you talk to her?"

"She called earlier on the cell phone Jasper gave me. I have no idea how she got the number. She said so many awful things. She accused me seducing Jasper and . . . and . . . and . . ." I started sobbing again. Angela moved to sit by me and put her arms around me. She held me while I cried. Eventually she pulled away and handed me the tissues again. After I'd used them she gave me more water. When I was finally calmer, I continued.

"She said that even if he was with me now, eventually Jasper would leave me and go back to her."

Angela's eyes narrowed in anger, "That just sounds like wishful thinking on her part."

I shook my head. "I don't know. She sounded so sure. She said the reason why Jasper hadn't gone to see her yet is because he knows if he saw her in person he would stay with her."

Angela looked at me carefully.

"Well, that must be wrong. I mean, he must have given you a good reason why he hasn't gone back yet, right?"

My tears started to flow again. "Not really," I managed to get out. "He didn't even tell me he'd talked to her."

"He talked to her?"

I nodded. "That's what she said. She told me he broke up with her over the phone last Saturday, which I specifically asked him not to do. And that's when she told me that if he saw her again, he'd leave me. Oh, Angela, what if it's true?"

My tears flowed faster. My eyes were burning. My nose was painfully stuffy. It felt like everything around me was caving in and I was getting buried under the debris. Angela handed me still more tissues and I accepted them gratefully.

"Okay," she said calmly. "Let's just think about this instead of assuming the worst."

I sniffled.

"She said he broke up with her, right? So that is some good news. It means that he wants to be with you, not her."

"What if he just thinks he wants to be with me? And besides, why didn't he tell me he broke up with her? It's been over a week!"

"Well, you said you asked him not to do it by phone. Maybe he didn't want to make you mad or make you feel like he was disregarding your request?"

"Yes, but if he had done it anyway I would have wanted to know."

"What if he was still planning on seeing her in person but when he told her on the phone she got really mad and he was giving her a little time to cool off before going back to LA?"

I thought about this. Alice certainly sounded mad on the phone with me. Could it be that she had been just as angry when she spoke with him and that's why he wanted a delay?

"I guess that's possible . . ." I stammered.

"And what she's saying about him wanting to get back together with her if he even sees her in person, well, that doesn't sound right either. I mean, that would be really fickle of him. One look and he'd forget all about you? I can't see that. Not if he really feels strongly about you and he must if he broke up with her."

I looked down at the floor. This argument was not as convincing. Angela didn't know the history between Jasper and Alice. After all their years together and all they've been through, the way he felt about me sure felt pretty fickle.

"Look, Bella," Angela broke the silence, "it's pointless for us to sit here and speculate. There is only one person that can give you the answers you need, and that's Jasper. You need to go and speak with him."

I looked at her, terrified. I knew she was right, but what if he confirmed everything Alice had said. How would I be able to deal with that? Angela reached over and took my hand, grabbing the box of tissues with her other hand.

"I know it's going to be really hard, but I'll go with you and I'll be there if you need me, all right? You can do this. You must do this. You have to know, either way. All right?" she looked at me questioningly. I nodded slowly.

"Okay, come on then." She got up and pulled me up off the couch too. Still holding my hand she pulled me to the front door and out onto the porch where we found Ben and Mike, sitting on the front stairs. They looked up when they heard us coming out. Mike got up quickly,

"Is everything okay?" he asked, looking directly into my eyes. I looked away, tears threatening to spill again.

"Everything's fine, Mike," Angela answered for me. "Bella just got some bad news, that's all. And we need to go for a drive. Ben, can I borrow your car? We shouldn't be long."

"Sure," Ben said, though he sounded reluctant. He got up and fished out the keys from the front pocket of his jeans.

"I could drive you wherever you need to go," Mike offered quickly.

"Thanks, but no," Angela said firmly. "We're just going to drive around and talk a bit. Just us girls. We'll be back soon."

She reached for Ben's keys and we walked out to his car. We both got in and Angela started driving.

"You'll have to tell me where to go, Bella. I don't know exactly where the Cullens live."

I directed her to Jasper's house. We didn't talk much on the way there. I was filled with dread, knowing that Angela was right and that I needed to know the truth, but fearing that I would be unable to handle yet another blow if Jasper acknowledged Alice's statements. I started crying again quietly. Angela sighed and passed me the box of tissues which she had dropped between our seats.

"Think positive, Bella. Focus on how you feel about him and how he feels about you. This isn't the first time a jealous ex-girlfriend tried to come between a new couple. If the two of you really love each other you'll get through this."

We were pulling up in front of the Cullen house now. I swallowed hard. Angela parked the car and looked over at me.

"Do you want me to go with you?" she asked. I nodded.

"All right, let's go then."

We opened our respective car doors and closed them again after we got out. We started walking towards the front door, meeting up once we cleared the car. Angela put her arm around my shoulder.

"It'll be okay," she said soothingly. "It'll all work out, you'll see."

We walked up the porch steps together. It felt like the longest walk ever. With each step I felt a stronger and stronger compulsion to turn around and run away. As if she knew what I was thinking, Angela tightened her hold on my shoulder, bracing me and forcing me to move forward until we were finally at the door. She reached over to ring the bell.

We stood there for a second and it occurred to me that Jasper may not be home. He could be out hunting or in Port Angeles. I relaxed slightly in relief, and then I saw the knob turn and the door opened.

"Hello Ang. . ." Jasper's voice was perfectly pleasant until he saw my face. He was instantly frantic. "Bella, what happened? What's wrong?" He stepped forward and pulled me into his arms. Angela let go of my shoulder and stepped back just in time to avoid being pushed out of the way. Instead of answering, I just started crying again.

"It's all right, Darlin'. It's all right," he murmured, his hands brushing across my back. "You're here now. It's all right."

"What's going on?" I heard him ask Angela.

"I think Bella needs to tell you herself," Angela said. "I'm. . ." for the first time she sounded uncertain. "I'm going to wait out here while you talk."

Wordlessly Jasper scooped me up in his arms and carried me into the living room, depositing me on the sofa and kneeling before me. I had the strangest sense of Déjà vu. He held my face in his hands and kissed my lips and then my tear-streaked cheeks and swollen eyes. When he finished he pulled away and tipped my chin to look into my eyes.

"Talk to me," he said. "I need to know everything."

I took a deep breath. I was not ready to do this, but I didn't have a choice. I had to know the truth.

"Did you speak with Alice last Saturday?"

I saw shock on his face, followed by recognition, pain and regret.

"She called you?" he asked quietly.

I nodded.

"What did she tell you?"

I shook my head. "I want to hear your side of it first."

He sighed. "All right," he said, resigned. "But please understand that I did what I did for us, because I really felt I needed to. I didn't do it to hurt you and I never thought Alice would . . ." he ran his fingers through his hair. "Damn it!" he said forcefully. "It wasn't supposed to be this way."

I said nothing. There was nothing for me to say until he explained what he had done. He looked back into my eyes.

"I missed you so damn much last Saturday, I ached with it. I knew you were at that bonfire with Newton and Jake and who the hell knows who else and it was driving me insane. To make matters worse, for most of the day I had not been able to find Laurent's trail, so I didn't know when I would be able to see you again. And I was afraid . . . No, I knew, that the next time I saw you I would not be able to resist kissing you. The desire, the need, it was just too powerful. But I also knew how much you would hate it if we did that while Alice and I were still together, so I had to call her. I know you wanted me to do it in person, but I honestly thought it would be all right to do it by phone and I couldn't wait. I thought I would need to call Emmett over and then I would have to tell her anyway before he found out. Of course I ended up catching Laurent and it turned out that you were right and I was wrong about the phone call, but by that time I figured it out it was too late."

"What happened?" I asked quietly.

"I told her about my feelings for you and that I wanted to be with you and that my relationship with her was over. She . . . she didn't take it very well."

I snorted. Judging by the way Alice had sounded on the phone earlier, that had to be the biggest understatement on earth. Jasper looked at me carefully, trying to understand my reaction. After a few seconds he continued.

"She tried a lot of things to get me to go back to her, Bella. She tried to guilt me into it, using our many years together and all the things she'd done for me. When that didn't work she tried to cajole me, telling me she understood I was being manipulated . . . "

I felt a sharp pain. After hearing from her earlier I knew what Alice thought of me, but it still hurt to hear him say it. Jasper grasped my upper arms to make sure I was looking at him.

"Bella, you have never, ever tried to manipulate me. Alice is the one that was trying to manipulate me. She is the master manipulator. I have seen her do it over and over again and it used to work on me, but being with you has finally helped me take off the blinders. And it's not going to work this time. Nothing she says can diminish what we have together and how we feel about each other."

I wanted to believe him more than anything in the world. But in the back of my head I heard her piercing voice 'I've seen that vision too. He's going to leave you and come back to me.' I felt the tears start to flow again.

"So the night we kissed, you had already told her? She already knew it was over? You weren't cheating? I wasn't seducing someone committed to a mate? I felt horrible about that, Jasper. Why didn't you tell me?"

He covered his eyes with his hand and took a deep breath before looking back at me.

"I don't know. I was going to tell you when we got here, but then we kissed in the clearing and needed to get you warm, and then you needed to hear about Laurent, and when we finally started talking about her you kept bringing up Alaska. I tried to get you to accept the phone call option but you wouldn't. And by then, of course, I already knew you were right about calling, so I couldn't exactly push it. But knowing how you felt about it I couldn't bring myself to confess. So I just took the coward's way out and didn't tell you. I didn't want that night spoiled for us by her poison."

"And the next night? And the night after that? When exactly were you going to tell me, Jasper?"

"I don't know. I don't know, Bella. Soon. I knew I couldn't put you off forever. I knew I would have to tell you soon."

Of course he would have had to tell me eventually. But what if by then I was too far gone? Was that what he was counting on? That by the time he told me I would be so completely and totally in love with him that I wouldn't be able to live without him no matter what the future held?

"What else?" I had to know everything.

"Nothing important, Bella. Nothing that would make a difference. You're the one I want to be with. Nothing she says can change that."

"What about her vision? She told you about that, didn't she?"

He hung his head.

"Yes, she told me. It doesn't matter. The future is not set in stone. We can change it. We can make different choices."

"Is that why you didn't want to go see her? Because you're afraid if you did you would choose to stay with her?"

He looked back at me. "No. I didn't go back because after all the things she said I never want to see her again. There's no point in seeing her again. It's done."

I shook my head from side to side.

"It's not done. It won't be done until you see her."

"Bella, look at me," his voice was a command I could not refuse. "Alice and I are over. It doesn't matter whether I see her or not – she and I are through. You are the only woman in my life now. She is my past and you are my future. I don't want to look back anymore. I want to look ahead to an eternity with you.

"I know I messed this up, but it's done and it can't be undone. Please forgive me for that, but don't ask me to go back. Just trust me. Have faith in me. Have faith in us. We are strong enough to forge our future together along any path we want."

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine. For the first time, I couldn't bring myself to respond. His lips felt as icy as the barrier growing around my heart. I turned my head away.

"Darlin' . . ." the word was a plea, one I could not accept.

I remembered more of what Alice said. If she was having a vision of Jasper's return it meant that on some level he had already made his choice. It didn't matter how much he said or felt he didn't want to return to her, on some level he had already made up his mind to do it. Now he was asking me to trust him with my future, when he didn't even realize himself that a part of him still needed Alice? If he was unwilling to admit this to himself, how could he ever change it? Could our bond grow over time and his need for Alice disappear? Or, as Alice predicted, was it only a matter of time before his need for her overwhelmed him and he left me the same way Edward did? I knew I couldn't figure this out here, with him right in front of me. I needed to get away, to be by myself.

"Jasper," my voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper, "I don't know if I can do this. I need to think."

"Bella, please . . ."

"I need to go. Let me go." I tried to get up, but he still held my upper arms in his hands.

"No! Please don't so this," he begged. "Please stay and let's talk about this. It was just one mistake. Just one stupid mistake. We can get through this."

I felt the all too familiar numbness start to spread through out my body. I knew I had to leave and I had to leave soon.

"Jasper, Angela is waiting for me outside. I have to go. You must let me go." Somehow I managed to make the last sentence come out forcefully. Jasper dropped his hands and I stood up and walked to the door. I felt, or rather didn't feel, like a zombie. I was moving, but there was no emotion, just the spreading numbness.

I found Angela sitting on the porch steps, just as Mike and Ben had been in front of Mike's house. She stood up quickly. My face must have spoken volumes because one look at me caused her mouth to set in a straight, angry line and she shot a poisonous look at Jasper behind me. She said nothing, just put her arm around me and led me back to Ben's car. We got in and she drove away as quickly as the road conditions allowed. I couldn't bring myself to look back.

* * *

**The title of this story comes from _Even Superman, _a song by Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band. A link is in my profile. Definitely check this one out -- there is a clue in the third verse of this song to how the story will turn out, but it is very, very cryptic. Regardless, it's a good song, so take a listen (and ignore the video -- it has nothing whatsoever to do with this story - LOL!).**

**So, like I said, the angst is here. What do you think? I really would love to get feedback on this chapter.**


	42. Chapter 42: Is this the end

**Thank you so much for all your reviews on the last chapter and for not stoning me for writing an Alice that's a little OOC from the books and other fan fics. I don't know why, but when she talks to me Alice shows the other side of her personality.**

**I also want to apologize about the clue in the 3****rd**** verse of Even Superman. I guess it's probably not as cryptic as I might have thought. I'd encourage everyone not to read too much into that song and just enjoy the rest of the story. **

**A great big thanks to the ladies who previewed the first draft of this chapter and unanimously confirmed what I already suspected - namely, that it wasn't so great. This is a re-write that no one has seen, but I'm crossing my fingers that this is a bit better.**

**And just a reminder that Golden Moon been nominated for some awards. The voting links are in my profile and a great big thanks in advance to everyone who likes the story enough to cast a vote!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 42: Is this the end?

"So I take it things didn't go well?" Angela asked after we pulled back onto the main road. I shook my head.

"Everything she told me was true. He spoke with her and broke up with her, and he doesn't want to go see her. He says it's over and there's no point in seeing her anymore and that he wants to focus on a future with me instead of the past with her."

"What?" Angela looked at me, surprise all over her face. "That sounds like a great thing to me. I mean, they both know it's over and he clearly wants to be with you. The way you looked when you came out I thought he'd said the exact opposite. I don't understand why you're so unhappy?"

I looked at her morosely. "If he doesn't see her now, how will I know how he'll react when he does see her again?"

Angela sighed. "Bella," she sounded like she was talking to a 5-year-old, "The longer you two are together, the stronger your bond and the less likely she is to have any impact if he eventually sees her. I think you need to cut him some slack and relax a little. You're letting her get into your head. She can't possibly know what's going to happen in the future."

If I didn't feel like my world was ending, I would have laughed. Without knowing, Angela just made the best joke ever. Alice can't possibly know what's going to happen in the future. Ha ha ha!

In any normal human relationship Angela's advice would have been right on the money, but there were so many things about this situation that she didn't understand, chief among them that Alice actually could see the future. That, combined with the fact that Jasper and Alice had been together for decades, made it absolutely impossible for me to feel certain about anything. Just how strong of a bond could Jasper and I develop to compete with the bond they formed while they were together?

"I know it doesn't seem to make sense, Angela. I don't know how to explain it. I just know until he sees her and comes back to me, I won't feel like it's really over between them."

"I think you're just being stubborn and pretty foolish. You have to trust the person you love. Instead, you're listening to his ex girlfriend? Clearly she has all the incentive to mislead you and plant the seeds of doubt. You can't let her get away with that!"

I looked down at the car floor without saying anything. There was nothing I could say to explain to Angela why I felt the way I felt. I heard her frustrated sigh. She pulled out her cell phone and made a call.

"Ben? Hey! We're going back to Bella's house. Can you and Mike pick up her truck and meet us there? I don't think she should be driving and she'll need it tomorrow. Thanks! See you soon." She turned to me.

"The boys will bring your truck back. My parents have a function at church tonight and I have to baby-sit for the twins, so I can't stay with you much longer. Will you be okay? Should I call someone to be with you? Maybe Jessica?"

I winced at the thought. I couldn't tell Jessica anything unless I wanted it broadcast from the rooftops and there was no way Jessica could see the state I was in without demanding an explanation. I was much better off alone. I shook my head.

"No, I'll be all right by myself. I need to think, anyway. Thanks for everything. Today, and the last few weeks. I am so lucky to have you as my friend."

"We're lucky to have each other, Bella. I know you would do the same for me. But I think I would actually listen to your advice. And you need to listen to mine. If you really love Jasper, if he really makes you happy, then you need to focus on that and not let anyone else get in the way."

Angela pulled up in front of my house and we went inside. A short time later the door bell announced Mike and Ben's arrival. They came in, Mike handing me my bag and the keys to the truck, which I dropped into the bag before setting it at the foot of the stairs. I offered everyone drinks.

"I really can't stay, Bella," Angela said. "I'm sorry. Ben, can you take me home? My parents are probably freaking out because I'm not there yet."

"Sure," Ben said. "Hope you feel better, Bella," he told me.

"Mike, are you coming?" Angela asked pointedly.

"Um . . .," he avoided looking at her. "Don't worry about me. I'll go in a minute."

"Mike!" Angela's voice held a warning. I could tell she didn't want to leave me alone with him. I looked at him just in time to see him glance up at me, full of concern, and I knew it would be fine. I had nothing to worry about with Mike.

"It's okay, Angela," I said.

She searched my face and, apparently satisfied with what she saw, turned towards the door. "I'll be home all night," she said over her shoulder. "Call me if you need to talk."

"I will, "I assured her. "Thanks!"

Ben and Angela closed the front door behind tem as they left and it was just Mike and me. I realized that this was the first time he had been inside my house. I wasn't uncomfortable, exactly, but the situation felt a little strange.

"Do you want to sit down?" I asked, pointing to the couch. We walked over to it and sat down together.

"Are you all right?" He asked, his eyes holding mine.

I took a deep breath.

"No, but I'm better than I was earlier." For some reason I needed to be honest.

He looked a bit uneasy, like he was waging an internal battle as to whether he should say something. "You don't have to tell me anything," he finally said, "but is there anyone I need to send a message to for you? I mean . . ."

"I know what you mean," I quickly interjected, "and thank you. But there's no need for anything like that."

"Thank God," Mike looked visibly relieved. "You had me really scared there for a while. I'd never seen anyone so . . . I don't know . . . broken."

Broken. That sounded horrible, but also right. I felt broken.

"I'm sorry I scared you. And I wanted to thank you for what you did for me earlier. You didn't have to be that nice. I really appreciate it."

"It was nothing, Bella. I wish I could have done more."

"No, everything you did was perfect. Calling Angela was perfect. I owe you."

"You don't owe me anything, but if you want to do something for me then just try to feel better. And let me know if there's anything else I can do to make that happen. 'Cause the worst thing for me is seeing you like this, so sad."

"I can't promise to feel better, Mike. There are things going on that make that very difficult. But I'll try, okay?"

He looked at me skeptically, like he didn't believe I was capable of trying, but instead of commenting he said, "My parents know you couldn't work today. I know you were on the schedule for tomorrow. Should I tell them that you're still not feeling well? I could take your shift."

I hated taking this easy way out, but I didn't want to have to work tomorrow night. I needed to get together with Jasper and come to some sort of a resolution, and the sooner I did it the better.

"Thanks, Mike. I'd really appreciate that. I could take your shift Wednesday," I offered.

"Sure, whenever you're ready," he stood up. "Well, I guess I'd better go. I don't want Angela on my back tomorrow for overstaying my welcome. But you can call me if you need anything."

"I will, " I said, standing up as well. "And thanks again for being there for me today, for everything you did and the way you did it," I stepped in closer to him and put my forehead on his shoulder. It felt like the kind of personal contact that couldn't be misinterpreted as anything other than friendly. "It really means a lot."

He wrapped his arms around me in a loose hold.

"You're welcome." He said in a low, soothing voice. "Get better. I'll see you tomorrow at school, right?"

I nodded against his shoulder and we stood in the semi-hug for a few more seconds. Then he stepped back and headed for the door. "Bye, Bella," he said as he stepped out.

"Bye, Mike."

When the door closed behind him I sighed and went upstairs, throwing my bag into my room. I went to the bathroom and examined my reflection. I looked awful. My eyes were red and puffy, and the skin on my face was splotchy. I swallowed a couple of Advil and wet a wash cloth to put over my eyes and hopefully reduce some of the swelling. I could only imagine what Charlie would think when he came home and saw me like this.

As I lay on my bed with the washcloth over my eyes, I tried to make sense of everything that happened this afternoon. Alice, of course, had every right to be angry with me and Jasper. I still couldn't believe he had broken off their relationship over the phone. I wouldn't have believed Jasper was capable of such a cruel and thoughtless act, especially after we had already discussed it on the way back from Seattle. Then again, I knew his state of mind last weekend had not been normal. He was trying to deal with his jealousy of Mike, however unreasonable, and his frustration with Laurent, and with not being able to see me. Faced with the prospect of possible failure of catching Laurent by himself and having to call in Emmett for help, it made a little more sense that he wanted Alice to know about the change in his feelings before she heard it from Emmett. Still, if he had only waited a day it all would have turned out differently, maybe just differently enough for Alice's visions to change.

Or maybe it would have turned out worse? What if he hadn't called her and everything that night happened as it had anyway. What if we had kissed while he and Alice were still together? Would she have been even angrier? Would the guilt of that be enough to some day drive us apart?

The sheer intensity of Alice's anger hit me hard this afternoon. I suppose I should have expected it, but her reaction was so completely different from anything I've ever felt from her before that it came as a complete shock. I didn't blame her, of course. I could only imagine how I would have felt in her place. And, at least with respect to my actions, she hadn't said anything I haven't thought of myself. Even her vision of Jasper leaving me and returning to her was an existing fear of mine. My only resentment came from her calling Jasper weak and needy, because I knew that couldn't be further from the truth. But I also knew those were the words of a woman desperate to believe her mate had been led astray instead of intentionally betraying her.

It hurt to think of Alice and the rest of the Cullens hating me for driving them away from their home and for stealing Jasper. It was all justified, but hard to take. At one time I had imagined myself as part of their family, paired up with Edward for an eternity. I still couldn't believe how much things had changed. I no longer found it possible to see myself with anyone other than Jasper. And I knew what he meant that night on the yacht. It was horrible to know how much I was hurting the entire Cullen coven by being in a relationship with Jasper, but their feelings weren't enough to stop me. I loved Jasper too much to give him up just to assuage someone else's pain.

The real question, of course, was could I live with the pain I would suffer if Alice's vision came true and Jasper left me for her? I thought about the conversation he and I had about my becoming a vampire. Though it was not his preferred option, he had been willing to be with me if I remained human. He had been willing to wonder every day if that was the last day we had together. But in his case, if I was ever gone, it would be due to an accident or other natural causes. I would have never left him by choice. And I would have never asked him to suffer so much for me. Now I had a similar choice to make. Could I live every day knowing that it might be our last, that this might be the day Jasper decides to leave me for another? I just wasn't sure.

As my thoughts kept spinning in the same circles I must have dozed off, because suddenly I was startled awake by the sound of a car door closing. Charlie must have just gotten home. I hastily pulled off the washcloth and turned to my side so that most of my face was hidden from anyone entering the room. As I expected, a few minutes after he walked into the house Charlie came upstairs to check on me.

"Everything all right, Bells?" he asked from the door.

"Yeah, Dad. I just have a headache."

"Do you want me to bring you up some dinner?"

"No, I'm okay, thanks. I'll come downstairs if I want something later."

Charlie closed the door and headed back downstairs. My bag started to hum. I looked at it warily. Finally I sighed, got up brought the bag over to the bed and pulled out the vibrating cell phone. This time I recognized the number, so I flipped it open and press the on button.

"Hi Jasper," I whispered.

"Was that just for Charlie's benefit or are you really not feeling well?"

"You're watching me?"

"After what happened this afternoon, how could I stay away?"

I should have been angry with him, but I didn't have the energy.

"Can I come up to see you?"

I considered his request. I really wanted to see him, but I wasn't sure I was ready and I knew I wouldn't be able to think with him in the room.

"Not tonight," I said.

He didn't respond for a long while.

"Can we talk?" he finally asked.

"It's not a good idea right now. I still haven't figured out how I feel about everything."

"You seemed pretty sure of your feelings yesterday. Did things really change so much today that it put all that into doubt?"

"No . . . Yes . . . I don't know . . . The way I feel about you hasn't changed, but the way I feel about us may have. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be in a relationship where I'm so uncertain. I don't know how I could ever survive if you left me to go back to . . ."

"Bella, I will never leave you," Jasper said forcefully.

"But how can I be sure? You haven't seen Alice in over a month. You've forgotten a lot of things that might re-surface it you were to see her again . . ."

"I could say the same thing about you and Edward."

"No. No, you couldn't. Edward left me, he hurt me, and he and I had only been dating for a few months. You and Alice have been mates longer than my father has been alive, and she still loves you and wants to be with you. You never even left her, Jasper. Not really. You just stayed behind and then I found you and this thing between us happened . . ."

"Love, Bella. It's not a thing that happened. We fell in love. I finally found my true soulmate, the other half of my heart."

I cringed at his choice of words. It would have been too cruel to point out he didn't have a heart.

"At one point you thought Alice was your soulmate," I reminded him, instead.

He sighed in frustration. "And at one point you thought Edward was your true love. So we both made a mistake our first time around. Do we have to suffer for those mistakes forever? This is different. It feels so right and powerful it almost scares me. It's all consuming. Damn it, don't tell me you don't feel it, the cosmic connection between us? It's like we were made for each other."

"Of course I feel it. How can I not feel that? If I didn't, could I do what I did to Alice and the rest of your family? Do you think I take the pain I caused all of them lightly? But just because what we have between us is powerful doesn't mean that Alice's vision is wrong. We don't know what's to come between us. We don't know how we'll be tested. And I won't really know that you made a fully informed choice about leaving Alice until you can do it with her in person."

"Bella, you know I would do anything you asked of me, but not that. Please do not ask me to do that."

"It's the only way."

"No. There is another way. It's called trust. You can trust yourself enough to place your faith in me and trust me when I tell you I am done with Alice forever, and am completely and totally committed to you."

I sighed. Clearly this wasn't an issue we were going to resolve tonight.

"I think maybe I'd better go," I said. "I'm tired and we can't do this over the phone."

"We can't just leave it like this. Please, let me come over."

"No. It's too late to do this tonight. I need to go to sleep and that'll be hard enough with everything that's happened."

"Bella, you know I can help you sleep, I can help you feel better. Just let me come over."

"Jasper, no. I know what you're saying is true, but if you're here it will just confuse me. You withheld something pretty important and I'm trying to deal with that, as well as with what Alice told me. I really need to sort things out for myself and I can't do that when I'm around you. I need you to give me a little space and time."

Silence stretched between us like a thick curtain. Even without him saying anything, I could sense his frustration. Finally, he spoke.

"All right. I'll back off tonight. But we can't put this off forever. Can I see you tomorrow?"

"Yes. I switched shifts with Mike, so I can come over to your house after school. I know we need to resolve this, Jasper. I just can't do it tonight," my voice sounded defensive. I hated fighting with him and hated even more feeling like I was the bad guy for delaying the discussion. He must have sensed my frustration.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm being a jerk about this." His voice was softer, apologetic and conciliatory. "I know Alice put you through the wringer today and you must be exhausted, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I forget that you don't have unlimited energy like I do. Get some rest, Darlin', and we'll talk about this tomorrow. Everything will look better in the light of day, you'll see."

"Thank, Jasper," I said, genuinely grateful. "I'm going to go now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll be waiting. Good night, Bella."

"Good night." I said softly and hit the off button.

I shoved the phone back in my bag and lay back on my bed in the dark, staring at the ceiling I could not see. I ached everywhere. More than anything I wanted to reach back for the phone and ask him to come inside, to lie down next to me and hold me and sing me to sleep. But that would just put off the inevitable, because sooner or later I would have to deal with this. I would have to decide how much uncertainty I could live with to be with Jasper? How much doubt about the future could my love for him overcome?

With a heavy heart I swung my legs off the bed and got up. Walking carefully in the dark I moved to my dresser and got out my toiletries. I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. Surprisingly, I saw that the wash cloth had worked a bit of magic. My eyes didn't hurt as much and some of the swelling had gone down. I actually had a shot at looking almost normal tomorrow.

When I was done I called my good night to Charlie and went back to the bedroom. I changed my clothes in the dark and crawled into bed. Without Jasper to snuggle up against or talk to, it took me forever to fall asleep. A forever of replaying the events of the day with no resolution. And after I finally fell asleep I dreamt of a crimson-eyed vengeful Alice, hunting me through the forest behind my house. I'd wake up just as she caught me and was about to drain me of my blood, then I'd toss and turn for a while, then fall asleep again only to have the dream start over.

I woke up tired after my restless night's sleep and felt so alone. I missed hearing Jasper's voice, missed feeling him next to me. His absence left a palpable void. I was painfully aware that this is what every day would feel like if we weren't together. If he ever left me. I thought for a moment about calling him, but that would have been the equivalent of using a crutch, and I needed to see if it was possible for me to stand and walk by myself.

I took care of my morning toilet, grabbed a quick breakfast and drove to school. Pulling into the parking lot, I saw that Angela, Ben and Mike were already there, waiting for me. I breathed a small sigh of relief. While I always knew the three of them would be there for me throughout the day, it was comforting to see a show of force right from the start. Plus, because the boys didn't know the reason for my behavior yesterday, I wouldn't have to face any tough questions about Jasper from Angela until later in the day.

I parked the truck, put on my best fake smile, and walked over to meet my friends. I saw that the three of them watched me carefully, presumably to make sure I had recovered from yesterday's break down.

"I'm all right, you guys," I told them before anyone could ask. We turned in unison and started walking towards the school.

"You look great, Bella," Mike said, somewhat surprised.

I turned to him, a genuine smile replacing the fake one. "Thanks! I tried some homeopathic post break-down remedies."

"Yeah?" He asked, curiously. "Like what?"

"Oh, I couldn't reveal my secrets. They might get into the wrong hands."

"I see." He said lightly. "Well, I'll let it go for now. But the next time I need help after a crying binge you'd better tell me what to do. After all, you owe me one, remember?"

I punched his shoulder playfully. Mike was always good at making me laugh, even when there was nothing in my life to laugh about.

Before our first class started Angela pulled me aside to ask me if I was really all right. I told her that I was as all right as I could be under the circumstances. And that I still hadn't made up my mind what to do about Jasper. She rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated with me, and left for her seat.

I had to admit I was a little puzzled by Angela's reaction. She seemed so determined that I should stay with Jasper. Then again, she didn't and couldn't know all the facts. There was no way to tell her that Alice could see the future without making myself sound completely crazy. Still, a part of me wondered if her advice would be any different if she knew the truth.

Because I was still confused and Angela seemed so set on convincing me to see things her way, I actually decided to skip lunch. I was starving, not having eaten dinner the night before, but if I went to the cafeteria to get food I would have no good reason to leave again. I decided that hunger pangs were preferable to facing Angela's disapproval, so I found an empty classroom and sat down, resting my arms and head on the desk top. A few minutes later I heard the door open and I looked up to see Mike entering the room.

"Hiding out from us?" He asked cautiously. I gave him a half-smile, but I knew he could see the guilt on my face.

"I thought you might be hungry," he said, placing a sandwich, banana, cookie and a milk carton in front of me, "so I got you a nice nutritionally balanced meal." He cracked a goofy grin, which disappeared almost immediately as he asked, "Do you want me to leave you alone?"

I looked at the food in front of me gratefully, then tore open the sandwich wrapper and started eating.

"No," I said between bites. "Please stay. Just don't ask about yesterday, okay?"

"Sure." He sat down in the row next to me, took out his own food and started eating as well. For a while we ate in silence.

"So," he asked eventually, "Should we just do our homework or something, or is there any subject that's safe to talk about? Like, have you applied to any colleges yet?"

I looked over at him, startled. The truth was I hadn't even thought about college applications. I'd been so wrapped up in my life with vampires, college hadn't even made it onto the radar screen. And, of course, if I was going to become a vampire, college would not be part of my future plans, at least not for a while. But what if I stayed human? What if Jasper left and I actually had to live my life as nature intended? Shouldn't I at least think about what I would do in that instance? Hadn't I better plan for that possibility?

"No," I said, felling self-conscious about my lack of initiative. "Have you?"

"Yeah. My parents wanted me to get an early start. They're hoping I can get early acceptance into one of my top choices so we don't have to stress out about it all year."

"Oh," I said. "What are your top choices?"

He told me where he hoped to go to school and his plans to major in business. I hadn't known that Mike wanted to go to business school and eventually get an MBA. He confessed that his parents wanted him to take over the store some day, but that he wanted to leave Forks and work for one of the Fortune 500 companies, making his way up the corporate ladder. Given my relative lack of future plans, I was completely impressed by the way he had his life path completely mapped out.

"Maybe by the time your parents are ready to hand the store over to you, you could be a tycoon of industry and turn it into a successful chain?" I suggested.

He smiled, a guilty sort of smile. "That may have been part of the plan, too." He paused for a moment. "You don't seem freaked out by all this. You don't think I'm weird to have thought that far ahead?"

"Weird? No. I think it's smart to think ahead, very mature. I'm actually really impressed."

He looked a little embarrassed, but also pleased.

"Thanks. I haven't really told anyone about this. I think most other kids don't really think too far ahead and wouldn't understand. I'm glad you're not like that. And what about you? What are you going to major in?"

I shrugged noncommittally. "Honestly, I'm one of those people who really hasn't thought about it much. I'm not really sure what I want to do. I do like cooking – maybe I should go to culinary school instead of college?"

"That sounds like a good plan. I think the Art Institute of Seattle has some culinary programs. And if you want to go out of state I'm sure there are great schools out east or in California. You should look into it."

"Yeah, I think I will. It's about time I started thinking about my future, I guess."

I was somewhat surprised to realize that I was really looking forward to researching culinary schools. For whatever reason it had never occurred to me that my interest in cooking could lead to a career, but now that the idea had been planted it sounded strangely exciting. It also sounded very human. Cooking was one of a few careers where a vampire, without the ability to actually appreciate the nuances of flavors in human food, would be at a total disadvantage.

The bell rang and we both looked up, startled. We smiled and gathered up our stuff to head out to our next class. I tried to concentrate on school for the rest of the afternoon, but my thoughts were constantly occupied with Jasper and how to resolve the impasse created by Alice's vision. There just wasn't any way to compromise. One of us would have to give in for the two of us to be able to move forward together.

For the first time since that first Thursday I had gone to see Jasper, I did not rush to my truck after school. In fact, I took longer than usual to gather my books and walked slowly to the parking lot. On the way to Jasper's I actually observed every speed limit. Last night Jasper had been confident that the problems would seem easier in the light of day, but this certainly wasn't the case for me. In fact, in the light of day the problems seemed that much more insurmountable. I had a clear view now of all the sacrifices I would have to make in order to be with Jasper, and I wasn't sure that I was selfless enough to make these sacrifices with the shadow of uncertainty looming before us.

Jasper was waiting for me in front of the house as I knew he would. He opened the door to the truck as soon as I parked and pulled me into his arms. We embraced for the longest time, neither one of us moving or saying anything.

"How are you?" He asked eventually.

"I've been better," I admitted. "I missed you last night and this morning."

He kissed my forehead. "I missed you too, Darlin', so much! It took a lot of restraint to give you the space you needed yesterday. It felt like you had a rough night?"

I looked up at him. I suppose I should have known he wouldn't really leave me. He had been somewhere close the entire time.

"I had nightmares," I admitted.

"About Alice?"

He must have overheard me talking in my sleep. Sometimes I really hated that trait. Even if no one could read my mind while I was awake, my body betrayed me by revealing my thoughts as I slept.

"Yes," there was no point denying it. "She was hunting me." Hearing it said out loud it almost sounded comical, but it sure hadn't felt that way last night.

He hugged me closer. "You should have called me. I could have helped you sleep."

I lowered my head and pressed my face into his chest. "It's not good for me to be so dependent on you. I need to handle things by myself, just like any other human."

"Why put yourself through pain unnecessarily, Bella? Next fall, when you're a vampire, you won't need these coping skills you're trying to hone. Why not just let me make things easier for now?"

I didn't answer. I knew I had to tell him, but I was so afraid. How could I make him understand that I was no longer sure about anything? I couldn't be sure we would be together next week, much less next fall. And I definitely couldn't be sure of my decision to become a vampire. Alice's vision made long-term planning impossible. I could only know that Jasper was mine in this moment, and I wasn't sure if that would ever be enough. The future stretched before me, hazy, unfocused and painfully uncertain, without any insight if I would be facing it together with him or alone.

I looked up and saw him watching me carefully.

"Let's go inside," he said. "We need to talk."

We turned and walked into the house together. In the living room we both sat on the sofa. Neither of us knew how to start, what to say. I stared down at my hands folded in my lap. Finally, I couldn't stand the tension anymore.

"Jasper, I want you to know that I do believe that you love me and that you want to be with me. I believe all of the things you've told me about wanting to have a future with me. And I believe that you believe that your relationship with Alice is over and that you would never leave me."

His face twisted into a scowl, but he didn't interrupt.

"But even before Alice called, I felt that you needed to see her again to know your relationship was truly over. And now that she told us about her vision, it's all the more important that you go back. If you see her and come back to me, I'll know that you are able to leave her. If you don't, I'll always wonder."

Jasper got up and started pacing the living room. As he moved I could see the rage building up higher and higher. Suddenly he stopped, turned to me and exploded into a tirade against Alice so venomous and filled with curses it made me cringe. I had never heard him speak this way before. I didn't try to interrupt or respond. I sat there, frightened, and listened while he railed, waiting for him to stop.

"Are you finished?" I asked quietly when he was finally silent for a few uninterrupted minutes.

"Maybe," he was still belligerent. "Can't you see this is exactly what she wants? Why do you think she called you? She tried to get me to leave you to go see her already, and when that didn't work she called you to help her accomplish her task. She's manipulating you, Bella, and she's doing a masterful job of it as always. She has you eating out of her hand just like everyone else. Well, not me, Bella. Not anymore. This isn't about me being certain that it's over between me and her. It's never been about that, because she knows damn well it's over. No, this is about control. If she can get me to leave you she will be in control of me, of you, of the two of us together. She will be the puppet master pulling both of our strings. I can't let her do that to me again."

"Why, Jasper? Even if what you say is true, why can't you go to her one last time for me? So what if it gives her the feeling of control? If you come back to me her control will be gone anyway."

"Really, Bella? Do you really believe that? And what happens the next time she calls you about one of her visions? Or what if she calls again about this vision and tells you that I'll go back to her even though I've come back to you? Will that one visit to her dissipate all doubt for you, or will there be a lifetime of tests to prove that Alice's visions for our future have no basis in reality?"

He stepped towards me and got down on one knee in front of me so that he could look straight into my eyes.

"Don't you see, Darlin'? Once we take one step down this road we will never be able to go back. We will spend forever looking over our shoulders for the boogie men from Alice's visions. We need to establish trust between us right from the start. We need to believe in ourselves and our devotion to each other more than we believe in anything else, including Alice and her visions."

"But don't you see, Jasper? If you don't go to see her in person now, I will wake up every morning asking if this is the day you're going to leave me for her. I can't live like that. I've been abandoned once before, and I can't go through that again. Please don't ask me to take that sort of a risk for you. Just do this one thing for me and I'll never ask you for anything again."

"Bella, why are you placing conditions on this relationship? I've never asked you to meet any condition. I already watch you wake up every day wondering if this is the day I'm going to lose you, yet I've never demanded to change you into a vampire before you're ready just to eliminate my fears."

"Still, you do want me to change. You want me to become a vampire so I can be less fragile. You want me to give up everything – my family, my friends, my human interests – all so that you don't have to worry about losing me."

"I would never demand that you change, Bella. I told you, whether or not you become a vampire will be entirely your choice."

"How can it be my choice, Jasper? What kind of a life would we have if I remained human? With you not aging we would have to move all the time, which would mean starting my life over and over with new people in each location. I could never have a career, never have any lasting friendships. And then there would be the ever increasing age difference. At some point people would start wondering why a 50 or 60 some year old woman was living with someone 30 or 40 years younger, and you might start wondering what you ever saw in me when I turn old and ugly. And then there would be the constant stress and anxiety. We'd start every day worrying that this would be the day when the whole house of cards life we'd built together would fall apart either because you left to go back to Alice or because I was in a car accident, or had a heart attack, or slipped and hit my head while crossing the street. What kind of a life would that be? Do you really think we could be happy that way? Always uncertain, always terrified of losing everything?

"And yet the alternative is equally unthinkable to me. What if I give up everything to give you that piece of mind? Give up my family and friends for my life with you, and you leave me anyway. What would I do if that happened, a lone nomad vampire without a coven? How would I be able to survive that?

"You ask me to give you my unconditional trust and yet you're not willing to grant me this one simple request. All because you are too proud to go back to see Alice one last time, too proud to risk not being in control."

I suddenly realized it was useless. Neither one of us was going to give in. We would never find a compromise and we would never be able to meet each other's conditions. A sob broke from my throat. At least I found out now, while I was still human, before it was too late.

I got up and started running for the door. Jasper caught me almost immediately and forced me to turn to face him.

"If I went back I would make Alice's vision come true, and you would never trust me again. I will not do that. I will not leave you. I can't make you stay and fight for this relationship, but I will never leave you. I am going to stay right here and hope like hell that you'll see reason and come back to me. And when you do, I'll be waiting and I'll be ready to be with you and love you just as much as I do right now. I'll be here for as long as it takes."

I felt the tears streaming down my face. "Unless you go back to see her, Jasper, it will never be long enough."

And then I wriggled out of his grasp and made my way back to the truck. Nearly blinded by my tears, I drove onto the road that led from the clearing to the main highway. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't turn around or look in the rear view mirror. I was leaving the vampire world and the man I loved, this time by my own choice, to save myself, and there was no turning back.

**

* * *

**

**The title of this chapter comes from a great little song called _The End_ by David and the Citizens (a fabulous band from Sweden – did I ever mention how much I love Sweden? Hejhej to any Swedish readers!). There's a link to the video in my profile. I wouldn't try to read too much into the lyrics of this one – I just really like the song.**

**Now, before you get ready to cast stones in your reviews for the tremendous amount of angst I'm putting everyone through, let me say that the answer to the question in the chapter title is a resounding "no". We still have a few more chapters before we get to the end. So stick around and see what happens. **

**And please do let me know what you thought of this chapter****, good bad or otherwise. Many reviews surprised me last time. Let's see if you can do it again!**


	43. Chapter 43: Fix You

**Thanks everyone for the reviews on the last chapter. I know many of you are unhappy with Jasper or Bella or both, and probably mostly with me for taking the story in this direction. Unfortunately, the story must continue along its path. **

**For what it's worth, we're only about 7-10 chapters from the end, so we will get to a resolution relatively soon. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**Chapter 43: Fix You**

A few minutes after pulling out of the Cullens' driveway I pulled over on the side of the road and forced myself to take deep breaths and stop crying. I knew I couldn't continue this way. If I kept going, there would be no way to hide the fact that I'd been crying, and there was no way to explain the tears to Charlie. I needed to compose myself and behave in a way that didn't give any of my heart-ache away. After all, only Angela and Jake knew about Jasper, and I wasn't about to let anyone else in on the secret now that my relationship with him was over.

Over. It was such a harsh word, perfect for the harsh reality of my life. Leaving Jasper had been the hardest, most painful thing I've ever done. Harder than leaving Phoenix to move to Forks, harder even than heading to the ballet studio to trade James my life for that of my mother. Both of those were acts of sacrifice for someone I loved. Tonight my actions were the exact opposite. Tonight I hurt someone I loved to avoid being hurt myself. It was an act of fear and cowardice, yet I was incapable of doing anything different.

No matter how much I loved Jasper, I couldn't walk with eyes wide open into a relationship that could as easily last a few hours as an eternity. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I allowed myself to move forward with Jasper and he left me, I would end up just like Charlie, living in a mausoleum devoted to my dead relationship, pining for the lost love of my life, unable to move forward or ever be happy again.

A passing car startled me out of my thoughts. I looked at my watch and realized that I had been parked on the shoulder for nearly half an hour. It was getting late and if I didn't get home soon Charlie would be worried. I started the truck and pulled onto the road, heading home.

When I got home I didn't want to be alone, so I heated up my dinner and ate it in the living room while watching Monday Night Football with Charlie. He was surprised, but looked pleased too. During commercials we talked about school and his work and Jake. Charlie had talked to Billy over the weekend and somehow managed to secure permission for me to visit Jake after school tomorrow. I was excited. I missed Jake. All the while he'd been sick I couldn't shake the feeling that something was far more wrong than Billy was letting on, so I was thrilled that I would finally have a chance to see him, evaluate things for myself, and hopefully be reassured that everything was, in fact, okay.

I had another restless night filled with nightmares. This time the nightmares were different each time I fell back to sleep. One of them was about Alice, but I also dreamt about James in the ballet studio, about being left on the path by Edward, and about a bloodthirsty Laurent killing Mike as I watched and was powerless to stop him. When I woke up in the morning it felt like my mind had been determined to play a reel of the scariest, most painful moments I could possibly ever think of. There was only one person who was conspicuous from the dreams by his absence – Jasper.

At school I went through the motions again. Angela caught me alone before first period and asked about Jasper. I told her that I broke up with him and she looked at me sadly, but did not say anything.

"I thought you'd be more disapproving," I said.

"Well, I think you made a wrong decision in not trusting Jasper, but I'd said from the beginning that this was going to be a very difficult relationship for both of you because of Edward and Alice. To make it work you would need a strong foundation, and if you don't trust each other, no matter how insignificant that lack of trust may seem, it could make you both miserable in the end. So if you really can't bring yourself to trust Jasper, then you're better off breaking up now instead of later."

I looked at her carefully, not quite believing in what she was saying.

"Thanks, Angela. I admit it's not the reaction I was expecting, but I really appreciate it."

She cocked her head to the side as she looked at me. "I don't really care about Jasper, you know. I don't really even know him. You're my friend and in the end I just want you to be happy."

I reached for her and hugged her tightly.

"Thank you so much. I wouldn't say breaking up with Jasper makes me happy, but staying with him and living each day with the uncertainty would make me miserable, so this is the better of the two alternatives."

"Just give it time. I know it's hard now, but with time it will get better."

She squeezed me one last time before we separated and walked to class.

At lunchtime I explained to Angela that I didn't want to eat with everyone. She asked if I wanted her company, but I didn't want to disrupt her and Ben's day. I could handle an hour alone with my thoughts. I grabbed some food from the line and left the cafeteria.

"Bella," I heard Mike call before I could enter an empty classroom. I turned to face him.

"Mind if we eat lunch together again? I really enjoyed yesterday."

"Sure," I said reluctantly. "But I'm not going to be much company today. I don't really feel like talking about anything."

"That's okay," he said with a smile as he held the classroom door open for me. "I have a contingency plan."

We settled in the same seats as the previous day and set out our food. Then Mike reached into his book bag and pulled out two paperback novels. He placed one next to his food and handed me the other. I looked at the cover. It was called _The Kill Artist _by Daniel Silva. I wrinkled my nose. I picked up the book and held it for Mike to take back.

"Thanks, Mike, but I don't usually read these types of thrillers."

Mike didn't take the book back..

"Look, we've got 40 minutes of lunch left and you don't feel like talking, so why not give it a try? I'll take it back if you don't like it."

I shrugged. He was right. There was no harm in reading a little to see if I liked it. I glanced at the book again, then back at him, but he was already devouring his sandwich and reading his book. I turned to my desk, unwrapped my sandwich and followed his example. Soon I was caught up in a story of an art restorer who just happened to also be a trained assassin, and when the bell rang announcing the end of lunch I was genuinely surprised. I looked up to find a smiling Mike watching me.

"I had a feeling you might like it," he said.

"I do," I said, not quite able to keep the surprise out of my voice. "Thanks! This was really thoughtful of you."

"Same time, same place tomorrow?"

I grinned. "Okay. Sounds good."

We gathered up our stuff, throwing the food wrappers into the trash on our way out of the room and to our next class. With a jolt, I realized that instead of spending the entire lunch hour brooding about Jasper, I was able to completely lose myself in the novel. I grabbed Mike's upper arm and stopped him in the middle of the hall. He looked back at me with confusion.

"How did you know?" I asked.

He didn't seem at all surprised by my question. "A little distraction can go a long way," he said. "I'm glad it worked. Now let's go. We don't want to be late."

I let go of his arm and followed him to class, feeling strangely peaceful inside.

The calm didn't stay with me long and I thought about Jasper all though my afternoon classes, second guessing my decision and feeling generally miserable. I tried to maintain a neutral façade, but I could see by the concerned looks they kept throwing at me and exchanging between each other, that Mike and Angela both saw through me. Angela asked if I wanted to do something with her and Ben after school, but I begged off, explaining that I was going to see Jake. She looked relieved that I had plans, and told me she'd see me tomorrow. I packed up my books and drove out to La Push.

Jake must have heard my truck because he was walking out of the house when I pulled up. Despite the cold, he was only wearing a pair of sweat pants and a plain white T-shirt. I could have sworn he had grown some more since the last time I saw him. But the most startling difference was his hair. His wonderful long black hair was gone, replaced by a buzz cut. It gave him a more mature appearance, but I missed the familiarity of his former natural look.

"Hey Bella," he said to me as I got out of the truck. The voice was the same, but the tone was different. He sounded more measured, serious, and older. The trademark lightness and constant undercurrent of humor were gone. Then again, he had just been pretty sick, and there was nothing funny about that. Maybe this change was only temporary.

"Hi Jake," I said. I noticed the tone of my voice matched his, a bit more formal than we had ever been before. "How are you feeling?"

"All right, I guess," he responded reluctantly. His behavior was different too. Normally he would have been dragging me into the house or out to the shed by now. Instead, we just stood there staring at each other.

"You look pretty healthy," I pointed out. "And you got a new haircut."

His hand moved up to his hair unconsciously and I could see he was still surprised by its absence. He covered by running his hand over the top of his head.

"Yeah," he said, "It's easier to take care of this way."

"Sure," I said, and I guessed I understood. Jake always had been a no muss, no fuss kind of guy. I just didn't think he ever thought of his long hair as high maintenance before.

"So," I said after a brief and somewhat awkward silence, "I was really worried about you after the bonfire. I tried to call you many times but Billy never let me talk to you. Are you all better now?"

He rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand as he thought about his answer. I was really starting to feel uncomfortable. Our interactions had never been this stilted before.

"I wouldn't say that, exactly. Turns out it's sort of a chronic condition."

My eyes widened at the word chronic. It sounded so serious.

"Oh my God, Jake, what is it?"

"It's nothing for you to worry about, Bella. I pretty much have it under control. I just need to try to avoid stress, keep calm, that sort of thing."

"Is it like an ulcer?" I dimly recalled stress causing ulcers, but I would have thought Jake was much too young to get one of those.

"No," he was looking away from me. "It's more like if I get too stressed out or too angry I could get this kind of . . . um . . like a seizure."

"Like epilepsy?" I frowned. I knew very little about seizures, but I knew enough to know they were serious.

"No. Nothing like that. It's kind of a rare condition, genetic to our tribe. Really, it's nothing for you to worry about." His words were reassuring, but he was still standing so far away from me and looking so uncomfortable that I could not shake the unease I felt about his announcement, and the suspicion I had that his condition was far more serious than he was letting on.

"If it's a genetic thing, how come Billy wouldn't let me come over to see you last week? He told everyone that what you had was contagious."

"Yeah, well, this thing that I have, at first it's hard to control and Billy just didn't want you to see me if I ph . . . seized. It can be kind of scary if you're not expecting it. And dangerous."

"Dangerous? For you, you mean?"

"Well, more like for people around me who might be too close."

"Oh, I get it. You might hit someone accidentally as you're falling or something?" Jake was so huge that I could see how an accidental blow from him could inflict some serious damage on an unsuspecting bystander.

"Something like that," he still sounded so cagey.

"But you have more of a control of it now? It's okay for me to see you?"

"I think so," he said. "But it might be best if you stayed at a distance for a while, just to be sure."

A distance. I was reminded of the beginning of my friendship with Jasper and the distance he felt he had to maintain for my safety. I couldn't believe this was happening again. Especially now, when what I needed more than anything was to get lost in one of Jake's friendly hugs. I suddenly realized that I didn't care about danger. I could handle a bruise or two if Jake started seizing while I was nearby. It would be a small price to pay to have that feeling of comfort that only he could provide.

"Jake?" I asked tentatively. "I don't want to keep a distance from you. Right now I could really use a hug."

He looked at me carefully, as though seeing me for the first time today. He frowned.

"You don't look right, Bells. What's going on?"

"Hug first? And then I'll tell you everything."

He hesitated. I could tell this would be hard for him. I cursed the genetic defect that stole the absolute ease Jake and I had with each other before, when he wouldn't have thought twice about grabbing my hand, or hugging me, or picking me up. Finally, he stepped closer to me and opened his arms. I stepped into them gratefully and circled my arms around his waist, then pulled back before he could wrap his arms around me.

"Holy Crow, Jake, you're burning up still. We have to get you to a doctor."

He looked down at me, just a little glint of the more familiar, amused Jake flashing in his eyes.

"Nah, Bella, it's just another symptom. I guess this thing increases my natural temperature."

I blanched, my face scrunched in confusion.

"You mean you're constantly running a fever? Isn't that a sign of infection or something? That's dangerous!"

He laughed. At first it was a small laugh but then it turned into the deep rumbling laugh I remembered and I saw that the old Jake was back.

"Trust me, Bella, I'm fine. A little different than before, but fine. You should see the look on your face. I'm not dying, really. It's just a Quileute thing. Now, come on over here and get that hug that you were so eager for a minute ago."

I looked at him carefully from beneath my lashes, not sure if I could trust this sudden change in his demeanor. He opened his arms and waved his hands in a beckoning gesture.

"Come on, Bella. If you hesitate much longer you're gonna give me a complex."

Still a little reluctant, I stepped forward again and felt him wrap his huge arms around me, his chin resting on top of my head. I instantly felt like I was enveloped in a cocoon of warmth and security. I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes, a sense of calm flooding through me for the first time since Sunday afternoon. I pressed myself closer against him, my personal hothouse of serenity. The steady beating of his heart pounded in my ear, soothing me and further helping me block out thoughts of the outside world. Somehow here, in the circle of Jake's arms, all my problems disappeared.

"Bella?" his voice sounded distant and I really did not want to respond. "Bella, honey?" the voice became more insistent. "Hey, did you fall asleep in there?"

His chin lifted off the top of my head and I guessed he was looking down at me. I confirmed my suspicion when I looked up straight into his deep chocolate eyes.

"It felt like you got lost for a while, there. Where did you go?"

I shook my head. "Nowhere. It's been a rough couple of days and just now I was able to forget all my problems, which was really nice. I don't suppose I could just stay in that hug forever?"

Jake's laugh reverberated through me.

"Well, in theory you wouldn't find me complaining, but in practice we do need to sleep, eat, shower and go to school. So forever may not be too practical."

"Yeah, I know. Wishful thinking," I sighed. "I suppose taking the ostrich approach to my problems isn't really a good strategy."

"Nah," he said as he ruffled my hair playfully. "Your neck isn't nearly long enough. Tell you what, why don't we go to the shed and you can tell me about it? You know, at Jake's Repair Shop I can fix just about anything, including you."

"You make me sound like an engine," I said resentfully.

"Well, you're as complicated and as temperamental as some engines I've worked on."

"Ugh!" I was exasperated. But in some ways exasperation was great. At least I wasn't crying. Reluctantly I followed him out to the shed and sat down next to him on a makeshift bench.

"So what's going on? Is this about the lee. . . um. . . Cullen?"

I looked at him suspiciously. It was as though he was trying not to remember Jasper's name.

"Hale," I corrected him once again. "How did you guess?"

"Well, it seems like lately all you've been is unhappy and in one way or another it's all been because of one of the Cullens. You know what, Bells? I think you should just stop seeing him and good riddance."

I sighed. "I had a feeling you were going to say that. Well, your wish is granted as of yesterday."

"Really?" he looked over at me, surprised. "Wow! Good for you, Bella! That's great," he said as he pulled me into another hug. Even though I knew he never approved of my relationship with Jasper, I still found his enthusiasm at the news of my break-up very annoying.

"You know, Jacob, you could be a little more sensitive. It wasn't an easy thing to do. In fact, it really sucks."

"Sure, Sure, I understand," Jacob said absentmindedly, and it was clear that he didn't understand at all. He was absolutely radiating happiness and something else, something that surprised me. For whatever reason, he seemed to be relieved.

"So no sympathy, huh? No, 'Gosh Bells, you must feel awful' or 'Do you need anything? Is there anything I can do?'"

He had the grace to look slightly embarrassed. "Do you feel awful?" he asked.

I nodded. I felt tears prickling at the corners of my eyes and blinked furiously trying to make them go away before they could escape onto my cheeks.

He put his warm arm around my shoulders and pulled me to his side.

"Bells, I'm really sorry you feel bad. Honest. But he's not worth it. None of the Cullens are worth it. The best thing they ever did for this town was move away. Hopefully now that you've dumped him this one will leave too and we'll finally have some peace."

"Peace? What are you talking about?" I asked, thoroughly confused.

Jake dropped his arm and looked away. I could tell he was unhappy about what he had just said.

"Nothing. That whole family was just bad news."

"Bad news? Since when did you start to channel Billy?"

"Since I found out that the old man might have actually known what he was talking about. Damn bloo. . ."

He stopped speaking abruptly, realizing he had gone too far. He looked over at me quickly to gauge my reaction. My eyes opened wide in recognition.

"Finish what you were going to say, Jake." I said quietly.

"I wasn't. . ."

"Don't patronize me. I heard you. Finish what you were saying."

"Bloodsuckers," he wasn't looking at me when he said it.

"You never believed those stories before, Jacob. All of a sudden you think they're real? Why?"

"Never mind why. It's not important. All I know is that now I know the stories are real and the Cullens are dangerous. They're designed to kill humans." He was still looking away, so all I could see was his neck and powerful jawbone. But even without seeing his face I suddenly knew exactly what he had been talking about when he told me he had a Quileute genetic chronic disorder. Realization washed over me like a tidal wave. Jacob, my best fried, was a werewolf!

"Oh my God, Jacob!" I exclaimed, looking at him in horror. He turned back to me and recoiled upon seeing my expression.

"What? What's going on?"

"What's going on? You're asking me what's going on? I feel like 10 months ago I dove head first into a rabbit hole, only instead of Wonderland I ended up in some Brothers Grimm fairytale forest."

Jake reached out to touch my forehead with his hand.

"Are you okay, Bells? You're raving."

I swiped his hand away.

"Get off it, Jake. I know, okay? I know."

"Know what?" he asked, but his tone was more cautious, as if he suspected what my answer would be.

"I know you're a werewolf."

Even if he suspected I knew, his eyes still filled with shock.

"I'm right, aren't I? You shape shift into a wolf just like Sam? And probably like Jared and Embry. Was that what happened at the bonfire? Is that why they dragged you away?"

"How. . . ?" he didn't finish his question because obviously the answer suddenly came to him. "He told you, didn't he? So you know what they are? You've known all along?"

"Jake, you're the one who told me last spring. I've known since then about the Cullens being vampires."

"And knowing that you still dated him? Them? You willingly and knowingly involved yourself with these killers?" His tone was thick with derision.

I recoiled as though he had slapped me.

"They don't kill people, Jake. You know they only drink animal blood."

"Don't be naïve, Bella. They may be good at suppressing their urges, but at the core they're natural born killers."

"They're not born, they're made. They had no choice in the matter and they have trained themselves to resist their base urges. It hasn't been easy for them, but they do it because at the core they are good. You can't just ignore that."

"The hell I can't," he was full of hostility. "If it wasn't for them being here none of us would be wolves. There was a reason why we all though those old stories were myths – because for years there were no vampires in the area and so there was no need for my dad or any of his friends to phase. Then the Cullens decided to return and my friends and I have to suffer with this mutation to protect the tribe. So don't tell me what I can and can't ignore or think about them. I have the right to think whatever I damn well please." He turned away from me in apparent disgust.

Listening to him I suddenly understood exactly how he felt and why he would never see the Cullens in the same way I did. His life was no longer his own because of them. No wonder he resented them so much and couldn't notice any of their redeeming values.

"Oh, Jake," I said sadly and put my arms around him. "I'm so sorry. They didn't know. They still don't know. I'm sure if they did they would have never come back. They would never intentionally hurt anyone." Even as I was saying this I cringed internally. I knew, of course, how hard Edward had to work to resist hurting me upon my arrival in Forks, and then Jasper nearly killed me at my birthday party. But in the end the Cullens worked together to make sure no harm came to a human, and that was all that mattered.

Jacob didn't answer but he didn't move away, either, so I continued to hold him, pressing myself into his back, marveling at our role reversal. Usually he was the one comforting me. Tonight, for once, we both needed each other, and I would be there for him as he had been there for me so many times before. We didn't speak for a long time and slowly I felt the tension leave his body, his muscles relaxing. Finally he turned around and reached to pull me into a proper hug. I caught a glimpse of his face and was surprised to see not the serious, more mature Jake, but the boy, looking confused and slightly lost.

"It'll be okay, Jake, you'll see. We'll figure it out somehow. I'll help in any way I can."

He pulled away to look at me. The boy was gone.

"There's nothing you can do to help, Bella."

"All right," I nodded, "maybe there's nothing I can do. But I can listen. I can be here for you if you need me. Would you like to tell me about it? What is it like, becoming the wolf?"

He looked like he was struggling with whether he should tell me anything or not. Finally he started speaking.

"I can pretty much phase when I want to, but it can also come on suddenly if I feel angry or if I sense danger. Sam and the others have been working on controlling their emotions so that they don't phase unintentionally. Sam's the oldest so he has the most experience and control. Jared's pretty good too. Paul . . . well, I'm not sure Paul will ever have total control. He's a hothead."

I smiled. I was happy to hear a little bit of the Jake I knew seeping out through his words.

"What about you?" I asked.

"Apparently I have the most control Sam's ever seen from someone so new to phasing. That first night, I was able to phase back to human form fairly quickly and easily. The others, well, they were trapped as wolves longer before they figured out how to phase back."

"That's good, Jake," I placed my hand on his huge bicep. "Congratulations."

He shrugged. "It's nothing I did. I guess I was just born with more control. But I'm still dangerous to those around me. If I ever lost control and phased near anyone I could hurt them. I could hurt you," he said softly as he looked down at me. "I think my control is good enough, but still, you probably shouldn't be here alone with me. I could never live with myself if I harmed you."

"You won't. I have total faith in you."

"That's always been your problem," he said, his tone slightly lighter, "you have too much faith in everyone. No sense of self-preservation."

My face clouded at his words. He was wrong. I had a newly developed sense of self-preservation, and yesterday I finally acted on it. And what I found was that avoiding pain was sometimes as hurtful as enduring it. He saw the change in my demeanor and his eyes filled with concern.

"Your turn," he said. "Tell me what happened that finally made you see reason."

I told him everything. I told him about Seattle, Laurent, about Alice's phone call, my subsequent discussions with Jasper and his refusal to go see her.

"I know it's dumb, Jake. I know there are no guarantees in life. And Angela said I should trust the person I love. But how can I stay with someone when the doubts and fears overwhelm me right from the beginning?"

"Angela doesn't know what she's talking about." Jake snarled.

I looked over at him, surprised.

"I know she means well," I said.

"Maybe, but she doesn't have a clue. Let me get this straight. This bloodsucker. . ."

"Jake!"

"Oh, all right," he said, annoyed , "Whatever his name is has been mated to the other one for decades and then, when he decides he's tired of her and ready to move on, he phones it in like he's trying to cancel a pizza delivery? Who does that? That's messed up! Especially after he promised you that he would do it in person.

"Then he doesn't even tell you about it until she calls you and he has no choice? And he thinks you should just trust him to stay with you and not do the same thing to you down the road that he did to her? Right! Hell, he even made sure you had the phone he can call you on when he decides he's tired of you."

I gasped.

"No, Jake. You don't understand. He would never leave me like that. I know he wouldn't."

"Sure, sure. If you're so certain. how come you didn't stay with him, then? How come this bothers you so much?"

I shrank in my seat. Was he right? Somewhere deep inside was I afraid that Jasper would tire of me and leave me the same way Edward left me; the same way Renee left Charlie? Was there more to this than just my fear of Alice's vision of Jasper returning to her? I shook my head.

"No, Jake. That's not it. If that was it then I'd never have a hope of having a relationship with anyone, because anyone can leave me some day. And I really don't believe that Jasper would leave me out of boredom. I know he loves me too much for that. He didn't make the decision to leave Alice lightly. It's not the way you made it sound. It wasn't because he was bored with her. Really. I mean, clearly he should have done it in person instead of calling. I always said she deserved more than that. But there were good reasons for him leaving her. It wasn't just me and it definitely wasn't because he was bored.

"And for me, it's not that I'm afraid he'll just leave me some day for someone else. What I'm really afraid of is that this thing with Alice was never properly resolved, neither of them ever had closure. And I'm afraid that without that last meeting he might change his mind and go back to her. I mean, she has seen it. She thinks he will go back to her for good, and maybe he will, and if that's what's meant to happen then I would rather it happened now. But maybe he won't stay with her even if he does go back? Maybe he'll come back to me? If he really loves me, if he's really so convinced that he's going to be with me forever, why isn't he willing to do that? Why can't he just go back and prove her wrong?"

"Because he's a self-centered jerk. He cares more about being in control and resisting her attempts to see him than he does about erasing your insecurities. He's doing what he needs to do for himself, not what he should be doing for you. It's just plain selfish, Bella. He's laid all the responsibility on you. He expects you to overcome your biggest fear to make the relationship work, even though he helped to grow that fear by breaking the promise he made you before the two of you were together. It's ridiculous! It's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. He should just grow a pair and face his ex like a man, for her and for you. Instead he's hiding here in Forks like a coward and making you feel lousy in the process. God, Bella, I wouldn't want you to date him even if he was a man instead of the heartless, soulless monster that he is."

"Stop, Jake! Stop talking about him that way. It's not true."

I put my face in my hands. Was Jake right? Was Jasper just being selfish? But then I was being selfish too, wasn't I? Running away from love and hurting him first so that I wouldn't get hurt later? Wasn't that the epitome of selfishness?

Jake reached over for me and pulled me into his lap, holding me close, the way he had the last time I was here with him.

"Listen Bells, it's okay to try to avoid pain. It's okay to leave a situation because you suspect it won't end well. And it's really okay to run away from a relationship with a monster who was created to kill you."

I flinched at his words.

"Jasper would never harm me," I insisted.

"Sorry if I don't believe that," Jake said dismissively, "but even if he never actually hurts you, what can he really offer you, anyway? He's stuck forever in his current form. You'll just continue to mature. How long can you be together before people start talking? Do you really want to be Demi Moore to his Ashton Kutcher? Even that's not a good comparison because Kutcher is actually aging and the bloodsucker won't be. It's crazy! It's not worth it. You deserve someone who will be able to grow and mature with you, who can marry you so you can have a normal life. The house, garden, cat, dog, kids – the whole nine yards."

I sighed. I wasn't about to tell Jake that I didn't really want any of those things and that I had considered becoming a vampire, first for Edward, and now for Jasper. I could only imagine how he would take that news. Besides, it was a moot point now anyway. And I didn't want to give Jake any more reasons to hate the Cullens, since changing me into a vampire would definitely break the Quileute treaty. It was better to leave things as they were.

"You've been spending so much time with these stupid leeches that you've forgotten what it's like to be human. You need to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. Start enjoying your life. I'm going to make it my mission to show you how great life can be when you stay away from bloodsuckers. No more stress, no more sneaking around, no more crazy jealous vampire ex-girlfriends. By the time I'm done, you won't remember their names or that vampires even exist and you'll be happy. I swear, Bella, I'll teach you how to be happy again."

I didn't try to argue with him. I knew it would be pointless. Besides, he was right. I needed help learning how to be happy without vampires in my life. It's not like I've had any recent experience with that sort of thing. And whatever else might be uncertain, I knew that if there was one person who could keep me in good spirits, it was Jake. I smiled at him, knowing I would go along with whatever crazy plan he cooked up.

"Sometimes you can be a big bully, Jake," I told him. "But okay, you can try to teach me about being happy as a human."

I slid off his lap and stood up.

"It'll have to wait until another time, though. It's getting late and I have to go. I have homework due tomorrow that I haven't even started yet."

He rose from the bench as well and we walked back out to my truck.

"I'm so sorry about the wolf thing, Jake. We'll have to talk more about that some day."

"Sure, sure," he said absentmindedly. Then he stopped me and forced me to look into his eyes. "I'm glad you broke it off with him, Bella. Humans and vampires were not meant to mix. It was stupid for you to get involved with them in the first place, especially when you knew what they were. That kind of a relationship can never end well for the human. You're lucky you're still alive. When I think of the danger you've placed yourself in all these months . . ."

He started trembling and I looked at him in alarm. Involuntarily I took a step back.

"Jake, calm down. Please don't get upset. It's over now."

Seeing the fear in my face must have snapped him out of the mood he was in. He calmed instantly, his face returning to the mature and impassive expression I saw when I first arrived.

"I'll be in touch soon," he told me. "In the meantime, take care of yourself, Bells. And no more hanging out with vampires, all right?"

I smiled weakly.

"Okay," I promised as I got into the truck, "And you take care of yourself as well."

"I will," he said, closing the door. "See you soon."

"See ya," I replied as I pulled away and drove back to Forks.

**The title of the chapter was inspired by the song **_**Fix You **_**by Coldplay. If you're not familiar with the song, do look up the lyrics and take a listen. It really is the perfect song for Bella and Jake. I've been listening to it over and over as I wrote this chapter. The link to the video is in my profile. **

**You know I love to hear from you, so please let me know your thoughts on this chapter by leaving a review. **


	44. Chapter 44: A Fork in the Road

**This chapter was not planned, but Jasper and Bella absolutely insisted that it was necessary. Some of you will undoubtedly feel I am beating a dead horse here, and for that I apologize, but sometimes the characters just take over and say what they want to say despite the author's better judgment. I promise the rest of the story will not be more of the same. Starting with the next chapter we will be back on the road to the end in accordance with the original story outline.**

**One small housekeeping matter. For anyone asking me questions, whether about the storyline or other matters, such as foreign language translations of Golden Moon, you need to make sure first that you send your request/question while logged into your account and that your account is set up to allow receipt of private messages or review replies from other users. If you do not do this, there is no way for me to get back to you. Thanks!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 44: A Fork in the Road

I didn't expect it. Perhaps I should have, but I really didn't, so when it happened it took me completely by surprise. Driving home, as I got closer to the reservation border, I saw him standing and waiting by the side of the road. My heart stuttered. I didn't know what to do. I took my foot off the gas pedal and allowed the truck to decelerate, giving me a few precious seconds to think. I couldn't just pass him by and continue driving home as though I hadn't seen him. I had to stop.

I moved my foot to the break pedal and pulled over onto the shoulder. I threw the truck into park and turned off the engine. Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and got out.

"Jasper, what are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," he replied simply. "I knew you were coming to visit Jake so I thought I'd wait for you here." He sniffed the air. "He's a wolf now too, isn't he?"

"Yes," I would not have volunteered that information, but Jasper seemed pretty certain even without my confirmation.

"I suspected that's what his illness was all about. The pack is growing."

"They're growing because of you. Jake said they only start shape shifting when there are vampires in the vicinity and the tribe needs protection. No one shifted in Billy's generation."

"Interesting," Jasper said. "I bet Carlisle would like to know that."

"Why don't you tell him when you go to Alaska to see Alice?" I asked. I knew it was a cruel thing to say, but the words came out before I could stop them. Jake's vitriol must have had a greater impact on me than I realized.

Jasper grimaced and I instantly regretted my words. I didn't need to hurt him any more than I already had.

"Walk with me?" he asked, instead of rising to my bait.

I nodded. He led me into the forest. There was no path, so I walked behind him carefully, taking my time and trying not to trip and fall. We didn't walk far. In a few minutes we reached a fallen tree and Jasper indicated that we should sit down. I lowered myself onto the tree, feeling the rough, moss covered bark underneath my palms. He sat down next to me, his pinkie finger positioned perfectly alongside mine so that they were barely touching. I considered moving my hand, but didn't. Instead, I studied him from the corner of my eye. He looked disheveled. His hair needed to be combed out and I noticed he was wearing the same clothes as the previous day. We sat for a long while without speaking.

"What are we doing, Bella?" he finally asked. "And why?"

I busied myself studying the moss and fern covered ground as I thought about my answer.

"I think we're each drawing a line in the sand."

I could tell by the sudden movement of his head towards me that he hadn't expected such a direct answer.

"As for why, I already answered that yesterday, and I can't speak for you."

"Tell me again."

"There's no point. We've been through this so many times already."

"I know, but the last couple of times we were fighting. I wish we could just talk. Maybe if we're not so emotional we'll be able to find some middle ground? Would you please tell me again?"

I really didn't want to re-hash everything, but I also couldn't refuse his request. I took a deep breath. This was going to be painful.

"I'm not gonna pretend I'm being rational about this, and I know most of what I'm afraid of has nothing to do with you. But living through my parents' divorce and seeing what it did to Charlie, and then being abandoned by Edward and the rest of your family, it was all so painful. I guess those experiences made me that much more cautious, that much less able to blindly trust in a happy ending, especially when right from the start I have a reason to believe that happy ending is in serious jeopardy."

I turned towards him. Even when he wasn't at his best he was so compelling. On some level I knew what I was doing was crazy. I had a chance to be with a man who was absolutely perfect for me -- great looking, intelligent, funny, kind and caring – and I was just going to walk away, all because his ex had a vision that he would return to her. Why couldn't I just get over it and take my chances? _Because the pain you feel now, walking away on your own terms, is nothing compared to the pain you would feel if he left you down the road._

Jasper was looking at me expectantly and I realized that I had stopped talking while I was lost in my own thoughts. Fortunately I remembered where I left off_._

"You know, even after we got to know each other better and found more and more things we had in common, I didn't believe that you could ever be interested in me romantically, because of the way I thought you felt about Alice. Then, that night on the yacht, when you told me you had feelings for me and announced your decision to leave her, I still felt that your relationship with her wouldn't really be over until you saw her. I might not feel that way about anyone other than Alice, but she has such a powerful personality that she could easily change anyone's mind. And you assured me that you would go to see her before you and I took what was happening between us to the next level, so I thought we had everything settled.

"Then the whole Laurent thing happened and you couldn't leave, so we agreed to wait, and I still thought we were both on the same page. I realize now that some of what happened that week was my fault. I was so in love with you that I didn't put a stop to our behavior like I should have. I allowed our actions to create the pressure that caused you to break your promise and call Alice. And for that I'm sorry. But then you didn't even tell me about it, and that hurts too."

"You don't know how much I regret not telling you right away," he interrupted. "I keep wondering if maybe you would feel differently now if I had told you everything before Alice called. I hate that I contributed to all of this with my sheer stupidity and fear."

I smiled sadly. Stupidity and fear seemed to drive a lot of our decisions.

"I honestly don't know if that would have made a difference. Maybe, though, because at least then your action would not be so intertwined in my head with Alice's vision. As it is, when Alice told me about her vision and the call and her explanation for why you didn't wanna go see her, it just exacerbated everything I felt before. Now a part of me will always wonder if, like she suspects, you're not going to see her because you fear she may be right. I know you think she's manipulating me, and maybe she is, but it doesn't change the way I feel. I'm terrified that if you don't see her in person now, and come back to me afterwards, I will lose you to her some day. And if I stayed with you, that fear would absolutely taint every day of our time together."

"Bella," he picked up my hand in his, "I swear to you I will never leave you for anyone else. Not Alice, not anyone."

I pulled my hand away and shook my head.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. It's not enough. Words are not enough. I just can't be sure that it's really over between you and her unless you actually see her."

He let out a pained groan.

"It's the one thing I cannot do for you."

"But why not? Why have you chosen to draw your line there?"

"Because it would be a farce and my doing it would only feed Alice's behavior. She is using her vision and your feelings to force me to leave you in order to see her. And if I do this, if I leave you even for a day to go back to her, thus basically making her vision come true, she will use this to continue to hound us, to continue to plant seeds of doubt and insecurity forever. I know her. This is how she operates. The more you go along with her visions the worse it gets. I need to break that cycle or else we will never be free of her."

"Couldn't you break the cycle next time? Can't you give in, just this once, for me? Just do what you agreed to do -- go see her and come back to me and I swear I will never doubt you again. Isn't that worth it? Isn't it worth it to give up control just this once so that we can be together?"

He ran his hand though his hair in frustration. I could tell he was considering it, but wasn't able to accept my logic.

"It won't be just this once, Bella. If she messes with us this time she will be able to do it again and again."

"See, Jasper, you don't really trust me either. You don't believe Alice won't be able to manipulate me in the future. Neither one of us is willing to make that leap of faith."

He looked at me speculatively. I could tell he had not thought about what his actions said about his trust in me.

"There's more to Alice's plan than just forcing me to go back to see her. This is also a way for her to try to convince me that you want to manipulate me as much as she does by forcing me to do something I don't want to do. I can't let her get away with it. It will not work with me, I know better. But I suspect she's not above using this twisted logic on you later, after her current plan fails. So I can't do it, Bella. Not when every fiber in my body is screaming that going back would be disastrous on every level."

I thought about everything he said, trying to find something, anything, that would help us compromise and find a way for both of us to get what we needed. As before, I didn't have any luck. The way we felt right now, neither one of us was able to meet the other's needs. Then a truly awful thought occurred to me and I was voicing it before I could stop myself.

"Maybe she's right."

Jasper's head snapped up, his face twisted into a grimace.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, she has a point. My demand that you break up with her in person is a form of manipulation. Maybe in the end I'm no better for you than she is. Maybe I'm worse. I can't predict your future like she can, I can't help to stop you from making a mistake and killing a human, and yet I'm still trying to manipulate you. You're better off without me."

The sudden realization of the true nature of my demand sent a wave of dread through me. He deserved someone better than me, someone who could love him unconditionally. I, with my irrational fears and manipulative demands, shouldn't even be in his presence.

I stood up and started walking back to the truck. I only managed a couple of steps before I felt his hands lock on my upper arms, halting my progress. He stepped closer to me and moved his arms so that they were wrapped around my midsection.

"If you think for one second I would let you walk away after making a statement like that and feeling the way you do, then you really don't know me at all. None of what you said or what you're feeling is right. Having you in my life is the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I know that you're asking me to see Alice because of your own fears, not some sick desire to control me. You're nothing like her, Bella. You accept me for who I am and you strengthen me. You know so much about me now it's like you've taken a piece of me and I'm lost without you. I want nothing more than to spend forever with you in my arms."

I sighed. I could feel how much he loved me right now and I knew how much I loved him. If only that was enough. How I wished that was enough.

"I can't stay, Jasper," I whispered.

His arms tightened around me. "What if I don't let you go?"

My body instinctively stiffened at hearing his threat and he immediately relaxed his hold.

"I'm sorry, Darlin'. Of course, I would never . . ."

"No," I said. "I know you never would."

He lowered his arms so there was nothing to stop me from leaving, but instead of walking away I turned around and placed a hand against his cheek.

"I'm so sorry I can't get over this phobia and believe in the future and in you the way you need me to. I wish I could think of something else, anything other than you seeing Alice, that would help me overcome this fear. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't."

"But Bella, walking away from us is also a gamble too. You could be trading an eternity of happiness for a lifetime of disappointment. There's no way to guarantee any relationship will last forever. You always have to take a chance."

I let my hand drop from his cheek to my side.

"I know. But there is a difference between taking a chance on the unknown and knowingly walking into a dangerous situation. Plus, there is a second layer of risk in my relationship with you. If I'm in a human relationship that fails, I will still have Renee and Charlie and Jake and all my other friends to support me, like they're doing now. Once I become a vampire, if our relationship fails I will be all alone.

"Still, I would do that. I would gladly take that risk for you, Japer, if you could only take Alice out of the equation. But while she's in the picture and having those visions . . ."

"She's not in the picture, Bella."

"She's in my picture. She's there, in the shadows, like a ghost. And she will haunt me forever unless you can show me that you two are really over."

"I told you, she and I are really over. I am yours. Alice has no power over me or us anymore. Please don't ask me to give some of that power back to her just to prove that I love you."

I hung my head. I felt tears flood my eyes and I squeezed my eyelids tight to stop myself from crying until the tears receded. I understood now that Alice had created the perfect trap. There was no way to extricate ourselves from her grasp. If Jasper didn't go to see her I would always be afraid of her and resent him for not keeping his promise, and if he did go to her, he would always resent me for forcing him to do something he didn't want to do. Either way, she would always be there like a dark cloud over us.

The more I thought about it, the angrier I became. If only Jasper had kept his promise to me in the first place and went to see her instead of calling, none of this would have happened. It was that call he made that set off the whole chain of events. After that call he had become determined not to see her. He was trying so hard to avoid being manipulated into seeing her that he didn't realize she had just manipulated him into breaking his promise to me. The whole situation was hopeless.

I finally realized that it didn't matter how many times we talked about this, it didn't matter if we were angry or calm, the end result would always be the same. Neither one of us was capable of reacting differently. There was no point in continuing. As much as I hated to admit it, it really was time for me to accept reality and walk away for good. We would never find happiness together while spinning in this endless funnel cloud of insecurity with Alice at its center. I looked back up to see him watching me, and I knew I what I had to do.

"I know you're doing what you think is right, and I don't blame you. Please don't blame me for doing the same. Maybe we just weren't meant to be together forever. We had this sliver of happiness and maybe that's all we're entitled to. It's more than some people get in a lifetime.

"I'm glad you stopped me tonight. Now we can part on good terms, without anger between us. I'll never forget you Jasper, or the time I had with you, but I think we were pretty naïve to think that it could continue forever. There are too many obstacles, starting with Alice, Edward and the rest of your family, and ending with you being a vampire and me being human.

"We were pretty foolish to think that something this complex could work out like some sort of a fairytale. We're just not meant to move forward together, so let this be our goodbye, okay? We both need to move on. You should go back to your family, work things out with Alice. She still loves you, Jasper. She wouldn't have called me the way she did if she didn't have feelings for you. And you're stronger now, you know what you want and need. You can work on changing your relationship so that you can both be happy. Maybe that was the whole purpose of our time together? To show you a different way so that ultimately you could be happier with your true mate, the woman you always thought was your soul mate."

He was shaking his head, unwilling to accept my reasoning.

"I don't believe that, Bella. The way I feel about you is too powerful to be temporary. We are meant to be together. I can't explain how I know this, but I am certain it's true. I have this sense, and it goes down to my core, that everything I've experienced before, my relationships with Maria, Peter and Charlotte, and Alice, were just place holders. Just events to occupy my time while I waited for you. With you in my life I finally feel complete – I've never felt that way before."

He reached and took both of my hands in his before he spoke, looking deeply into my eyes.

_Love Tells Us Who  
__We Are.  
When I asked the  
__Answer "Who?"  
No Love answered  
So I knew I  
__Had to wait  
__For Love _

_For  
__We are No one  
__Before Love  
A missing clue looking  
__For A Person  
A Star looking for  
__A sky  
An "I am" waiting for  
__An I._

_Music Tells Us  
__What We Feel  
But Cannot Say  
__Love Reveals  
__What We Know  
__But Cannot See_

_Before You I was Nothing but  
__When You Gave me Your Hand  
__I took My Hand  
For Love Tells Us Who  
__We Are So  
__When I asked the  
__Answer "Who?"  
Love answered  
__You._

As always, he mesmerized me. I wanted to simply fall into his arms, merge our bodies and minds completely and never separate, never have an independent thought or feeling again. If we could only be one seamless whole instead of two halves, no one could interfere or find any cracks or fissures to try to divide us. But that was impossible.

Somehow I found the strength to pull back and tear my eyes away from Jasper. I re-focused on the harsh reality of our situation. In the real world the wedge had already been driven between us A third person had inserted herself into our relationship and stood on the periphery, waiting for a chance to strike again and again and divide us further. And neither one of us had the strength we needed to force her out.

"Jasper, you're only making this harder and more painful for both of us. I know we both love each other. We just don't seem to love each other enough. I won't change my mind and I can't afford to wait for you to change yours. I don't have the luxury of infinity, the way you do, and even if I wanted to sit around and wait, I don't think my friends would let me. I wish things could be different, but they're not. So you need to go. Move on and be happy. Dwelling on something that can never be isn't healthy. It's not good for you."

He shook his head again in denial.

"I meant what I told you yesterday. I won't try to make you stay in this relationship if it's making you unhappy, because your happiness is the most important thing to me. But I'm not going anywhere. There's nowhere for me to go if you're not there with me, so I'm staying right here. If I have to be alone forever so be it, but if you change your mind you will always find me nearby. All you'll have to do is let me know that you want me back in your life and I'll be there."

The stubborn set of his jaw clearly told me that there was nothing more I could do or say to change his mind. I inhaled deeply, intending to repeat my goodbye, but found myself unable to say anything. I could see my own misery reflected in his eyes as we both realized that this could be our final moment together. I wanted to hug him, to kiss him, to have that last reminder of the love we felt for each other, but I knew giving in to this desire would only make our parting that much more unbearable. So instead I just turned around and walked back through the forest in the direction of my truck. I could hear him following behind me, but he didn't try to stop me and didn't exit the forest when we got to the last of the trees. I walked the final few steps to the truck alone.

I turned and whispered, "I'm so sorry," before climbing into the driver's seat and pulling back onto the road home.

Surprisingly, there were no tears, only a deep regret and disappointment spreading inside. I didn't know how or why, but this goodbye felt so much more final than when I left his house the previous day. I now felt like we had done everything we could, and accepted that a compromise was impossible.

There was another difference as well. This time I wasn't just walking away from Jasper, but walking towards something else: my life as Bella Marie Swan, human. I thought about everything Jake had said to me tonight and about the great effort he, Mike, Angela and Ben went through to help me cope with everything life threw at me in the last few weeks. I realized that, for their sake and mine, somehow I had to make this sacrifice worth something. I needed to let my friends remind me what it was like to live contentedly in the human world. I might never again be as happy as I had been with Jasper, but I would force myself to do what whatever was necessary to be happier than I was right now.

An old song I had heard countless times during poignant moments on TV started playing in my head.

_Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road  
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go  
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why  
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time_

_It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  
I hope you had the time of your life._

**

* * *

**_**The poem is Love Tells Us Who We Are**_** by Donald T. Sanders. The Song is **_**Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) **_**by Green Day. A couple of other songs that inspired me to write this chapter (I used a line from each of them in Jasper's dialogue) are **_**I'm not Going Anywhere**_** by Karen Ann and **_**Mad About You**_** by Sting. Links to all three songs can be found in my profile. **

**Again, my apologies for yet another chapter covering the same subject matter as before, but Bella and Jasper both felt they needed a little more closure before Bella moved on with her human life. **

**Hopefully this chapter satisfied those of you who wanted to see more Jasper. Keep in mind that this story is written from Bella's point of view, so now that she and Jasper have decided to part ways, we may not see him again for some time. **


	45. Chapter 45: Run to the Sun

**Thank you all so much for your reviews. I do appreciate all feedback, good and bad, and I completely understand if some of you feel disappointed that the tone of this story has changed. Please keep in mind that I never promised a happy ending, which is not to say that the ending will or will not be happy, just that the ending was never a guarantee one way or another. And please know that writing this part of the story is as difficult for me as reading it is for you.**

**For those of you who are unable to keep reading because you feel there may not be a happy ending (which I totally understand, really,) I would recommend either re-reading Chapter 40 and considering that as the end of the story or stepping away from Golden Moon until all of the chapters are uploaded and the story is complete. At that point you can read through them all quickly, which cuts down on the angst or, if you prefer, read the end first and then, depending on whether you feel the need to or not, finish reading the other chapters. At my current upload rate of 2 chapters per week, the final chapter should be posted in about 5 weeks.**

**Threatening or cajoling me into revealing the ending prematurely or changing the storyline will not work. Sorry! The story is what it is, warts and all.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 45: Run to the Sun

Back at home I told Charlie about some of my visit with Jake. Actually, since I had to omit all references to werewolves, vampires and my love life, there really wasn't much to tell. I just explained that Jake had a chronic genetic disorder that was specific to the Quileute tribe, but that the condition was under control and shouldn't impact his daily activities. Charlie was somewhat upset that Billy hadn't given him the details previously, but not enough to make too big of a deal out of it.

After dinner I did homework and got ready for bed. It took me a long time to fall asleep, as I kept thinking about my conversations with Jake and Jasper. Finally, however, my exhaustion took its toll and I fell into a deep slumber. If I had dreams or nightmares, I remembered none of them when I woke up.

In the morning I was eating cereal in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. I frowned. I couldn't think of anyone who would come over this early in the morning. I wondered if the person would just go away if no one came to the door, but then the bell rang again. I sighed. It was probably one of the neighbors needing to borrow sugar or something, and they knew I was home since my truck was in the driveway. I got up and headed for the door, opening it just a crack at first, and then wide when I saw Jake. Once again, despite the cool weather, he was wearing only cargo pants and a T-shirt, no jacket in sight.

"Hey Bells," he said with a smile, "took you long enough."

"Um, was I supposed to be expecting you?" I asked as I stepped aside to let him into the house. He kept walking right into the kitchen. I closed the door and followed.

"Well, I would have called," he said over his shoulder, "but I figured you would be sleeping or in the shower or something, so why bother. It was easier just to show up. You got any food? I'm starving!"

"Help yourself to the cereal," I said, pointing to the box still sitting on the counter. "The bowls are in the cabinet next to the fridge."

Jake poured himself a generous bowl of cereal and topped it with milk before settling down opposite me at the kitchen table.

"So what's so important to merit this early morning treat?" I grumbled. Jake shook his head in disappointment.

"Really, Bells, you ought to work on your hospitality skills. You're not exactly making me feel welcome."

"Whatever, Jake. It's not exactly polite to show up on my doorstep unannounced at some ungodly hour, so I don't know why you're expecting any hospitality at all." I knew I was being rude, but after everything that happened last night I wasn't exactly in the mood to be teased.

Jake held up his hands in a defensive gesture. "All right, all right," he said, "I can see you're not a morning person, so I'll cut you some slack. I came over because my "Operation Happy Bella" starts today and I need to talk to some of your friends. I thought it would be easier if we got to your school together than if I just showed up out of the blue."

I looked at him suspiciously. He finished his cereal, got up and poured himself another bowl full.

"Why do you need to talk to my friends?" I asked. "What exactly are you up to?"

"Nothing for you to worry about. I just need to figure out how much help I'm going to be able to get from the other humans in your lives. I mean, I probably could make you ecstatic just hanging out with me in La Push all the time," he wiggled his eyebrows and I rolled my eyes, "But I have some other responsibilities now, so I'm afraid I can't do this alone."

Me ears perked up. "What other responsibilities?"

Suddenly he turned serious.

"I'm one of the protectors of the tribe now. I have to think about everyone on the res, not just myself. As long as there are bloodsuckers in the area, we have to run patrols, make sure everyone is safe."

"But you know you have nothing to fear from Jasper. He only hunts animals."

Jacob scowled.

"Don't be naïve, Bella. He's never more than a few seconds from killing a human. None of them are. And they don't exactly make it easier on themselves by hanging out in Forks. It's like an alcoholic in a bar. It's just a matter of time before he snaps and goes on a binge. Plus, he and the other Cullens are not the only ones around. Their kind pass through the area all the time. There was one here just a couple of weeks ago. Hung around for a while, too, before he left."

I could have argued with him further, but I saw that he was absolutely closed minded on this point. Besides, he was clearly right about transient nomad vampires. I knew James, Victoria and Laurent had passed through the area earlier this year, and there could have been countless others. It was easier to leave it alone. I stood up to take my cereal bowl to the sink.

"Are you done?" I asked Jake.

"Do I have time for another?" he asked sheepishly. "I've been running patrols all night, burning lots of calories."

I glanced at the clock on the wall. "Sure. But you'll be cutting into the time you have to talk to anyone before school starts."

"Oh, yeah, right," he said, remembering his reason for coming over. "Never mind. I'll grab something when I get home. Let's go." He stood and placed his bowl in the sink. I washed both bowls and spoons quickly, then wiped my hands off and grabbed my book bag. We headed out to the truck, Jake getting in on the passenger side.

"So you said your friend Angela knows about Jasper? What about the others?"

"Angela only knows I was seeing Jasper. Obviously she knows nothing about him being a vampire. And no one else knows anything. I never told anyone because I didn't know how things would turn out with Alice." I felt that familiar tightening around my heart. Keeping quiet about Jasper was just about the only thing I'd done right, but it was a small consolation that this time I could suffer without anyone knowing the reason.

"Jake," I could barely choke out the words through my constricted throat, "I know you're trying to help me, and I know I said I would go along with it, but I really don't think I can. I'm just not ready. I need some time to process everything that's happened."

He nearly turned sideways in his seat to study me. I snuck a quick look at him from the corner of my eye. He looked very serious, frowning slightly, but didn't say anything.

Shifting my eyes back to the road, I saw that we were nearly at the school and pulled into the student lot, parking the truck in the first available spot, far away from the buildings. I turned off the engine and leaned forward to rest my arms and head on the steering wheel.

_Deep breath in, deep breath out. Deep breath in, deep breath out. __Hold it together, Bella. Don't start crying now. Deep breath in, deep breath out. You can't afford to have a break-down now, not right before classes start._ _Deep breath in, deep breath out. You can make it. Come on! Deep breath in, deep breath out._

I heard the passenger door open and felt Jake leaving the truck. Then I heard the door on my side opening and felt his hand rubbing circles across my back.

"Bella, let's get you out of this truck. We can talk better out here." He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me back against the seat, leaning over to unbuckle my seat belt.

"Come here," he said, reaching across me to wrap his left hand around my back as he pulled me out of the cab and into a bear hug. My feet dangled off the ground as I circled my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder, still silently repeating my breathing mantra and willing myself not to cry.

"Listen to me," his quiet, low, rumbling voice had a calming quality, but also demanded attention, "I know how much you're hurting, but shutting yourself off from everyone and wallowing is not the answer. I can show you that you did the right thing, but you have to let me. No sabotaging my efforts by isolating yourself into a depression as you process stuff. Okay?"

"I just don't think I have it in me right now to be happy," I said. He lowered me to the ground and unwrapped his arms. I let go of his neck. He tilted my face up to look at him.

"All right. Fair enough, Bells. I won't expect you to do cartwheels right away. But I'm not gonna stand by and let you go all emo on me either. Just suck it up and go along with the plan and I swear, I'll have you feeling great in no time."

I couldn't help but smile a little. This was vintage Jake. Compassion in small doses.

I was about to respond when I heard Mike shout "Hey, Bella," from the direction of the school.

"Don't look now," Jake said in a conspiratorial whisper, "But your boy Newton is heading over here and he has that battle stations look. What's the deal with him now, anyway?"

I cringed. I hoped seeing me with Jake wasn't giving Mike any wrong ideas.

"We're just friends," I said quietly, "And he's been really great at keeping it that way."

"Hmm. . ." Jake said thoughtfully. I could almost see the wheels spinning in his head.

"No, Jake," I hissed. "Don't start playing matchmaker. Nothing's changed."

He looked like he was going to say something, but then straightened and I guessed Mike was too close for further private conversation. I turned around.

"Hey, Mike," I said, my voice sounding artificially happy. Mike looked from me to Jake with suspicion.

"Hi," He said, and we could all tell that the greeting was directed only to me. "Everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. You know, just a regular Wednesday,"

Jake moved past me to push the dirver's door closed and leaned against the truck casually. "How's it going, Mike?" He said in a friendly tone.

Mike eyed Jake suspiciously and looked back to me, undoubtedly trying to figure out what Jake was doing here on a school day morning.

"Fine. No school today at La Push?"

"I've got study hall first period," Jake explained. I had a feeling that was a lie, but there was no point in challenging him based solely on suspicion. Besides, it was a reasonable explanation to offer Mike.

"Say," Jake continued, "I'm actually glad you came over. I was just talking with Bells, here, how boring it is this time of year in Forks and La Push. There's just nothing goin on. So I was thinking how we should do something to spice it up, you know what I mean?"

Mike raised his eyebrow and pulled himself up ramrod straight to his full height. I could tell he was less than thrilled with the idea of doing anything that involved Jake.

"Not a clue." He said, his voice tinged with hostility.

"Well, I thought maybe we could set up some sort of a contest or competition. You know, give people something to watch, get excited about."

Mike's face thawed out a little. Typical guy, he loved competitions.

"What did you have in mind?"

"I dunno. What about an exhibition basketball game? Your varsity team against a team from La Push?"

"A basketball game? Isn't that stacking the deck a little, Jake?" It was my turn to raise an eyebrow in his direction. Mike was on our varsity basketball team and was one of the taller guys in our class, but he was still much shorter than Jacob. The other guys on the team wouldn't even come close to the height and bulk of the Quileute boys.

"No worries, Bella," Mike responded easily, and I could tell he was getting excited. "They may have the brawn, but we've got the skills and we can be pretty scrappy. It should be cake."

I was still skeptical. "And what's riding on the outcome of this game?"

"Well, other than community pride, how about the losers have to throw a party for everyone?" Jake said. And suddenly I understood. What I first thought was just a stupid ego contest was all part of his cunning plan to get me to be a happy little human. I could already see him trying to get me involved in planning for the game and the party, as well as who knew what else. He'd probably want me to lead the sideline cheers. I allowed myself a single mental groan.

"Sounds like a win-win." Mike's level of enthusiasm continued to climb. "We could all use a party this time of year. I'll talk to the guys. When were you thinking?"

Jake shrugged. "How long do you need to get ready?"

Mike thought for a minute. "Probably at least a couple of weeks. We haven't practiced since the season ended. How about 2 weeks from Saturday."

"Sure. Sounds good. And the party could be the following weekend."

"You don't need to talk with any of your friends?" Mike asked, surprised.

"Nah," Jake said "I'm sure I'll be able to put a team together."

"All right then. I'll be in touch. We should get to class, Bella," Mike said, turning towards me.

"I'll walk with you guys," Jake said. He opened the door to the truck and pulled out my book bag, slinging it over his shoulder. Mike didn't look too thrilled, but didn't say anything as we started walking towards the school.

"So what are you doing tonight, Bells?" Jake asked.

Ah, now I understood why he needed to come with us. Jake hadn't had enough time to make sure I was occupied.

"I'm working tonight, and tomorrow too." I thought I might as well save him the trouble of asking.

"Bella," I heard Angela's voice behind us. We stopped and turned to see Angela and Ben walking up to us.

"Hey, Jake," Angela said, "It looks like you're feeling better. Nice haircut."

I knew Angela was just being nice and I smiled a little at the slight narrowing in Ben's eyes as he looked at Jake.

"Yeah," Jake replied. "Thanks. It was just a bug, I guess."

"So what brings you to Forks on a Wednesday morning?" Angela asked.

"Jake had a great idea, actually," Mike answered. "We're going to do an exhibition basketball game. Forks against La Push. Losers to throw a party for everyone."

"Really?" Angela looked at me, puzzled. I shrugged. I would fill her in on Jake's grand plan later.

"That's cool, man," Ben piped in. "We could use a good party."

"That's what I said," Jake agreed. He held out a closed fist to Ben and Ben responded by banging his fist into Jake's.

"Well, I'm glad that you're all so happy, and I don't mean to interrupt the celebration," I said, "but I have to get to class. Can I have my bag, Jake?"

"Sure, Bells," He took my bag off his shoulder and handed it to me. "So I'll see you Saturday morning at La Push. And what did you say you were doing Friday night?"

I frowned at him. We definitely had not discussed my going over to La Push on Saturday and I wasn't sure that I appreciated him assuming that I would be free to just go along with his plan. Still, I wasn't doing anything and I'd spent enough of my Saturdays with him to know I would have a good time, so I wasn't going to protest, just give him a piece of my mind when we were alone.

"I haven't really thought about Friday night, Jake," I said in a tired voice.

Angela looked from Jake to me, trying to figure out what was going on. She was obviously confused, but waded in anyway.

"Ben and I were going to see Mamma Mia Friday night, Bella. Would you like to come with us? That's okay with you, isn't it?" she said, turning to Ben.

"Um, yeah. Or maybe you two would just like to go? You know, girl's night?"

It was obvious that Ben had never wanted to see Mamma Mia in the first place, and was thrilled to have a reason not to go. Angela frowned for a moment, but then her face brightened when she looked back to me.

"How about it, Bella? It'll be fun."

I saw both Angela and Jake looking at me expectantly. I didn't know how to answer. I would have loved to spend the night with Angela, of course, but Mamma Mia was a romantic comedy and that was just about the last thing I felt like seeing right now.

Angela must have caught on, because she quickly added "Or we could go shopping for new clothes to wear to the party?"

I nearly sighed with relief. "Sure, that sounds good." I said. "But we really should go now. Bye Jake."

He reached over and pulled me into a brief, loose hug. "Bye Bells. See you Saturday."

"Right. See you," I said, a little embarrassed by the hug. I really didn't need to create any more grist for the rumor mill.

Angela, Ben, Mike and I started walking to class, while Jake walked in the opposite direction. I stopped as it occurred to me that I had driven Jake here and he had no way of getting back to La Push.

"Go on ahead," I told my friends, "I'll catch up."

I turned and called out Jake's name. I noticed he wasn't heading towards the parking lot or the road, but for the woods.

"Do you want to take the truck back to La Push? I'm sure I could get a ride to the store with someone and you can just drop the truck there later."

He laughed.

"Your concern is adorable, Bella, but I'll be fine. Wolves can run pretty fast."

"Oh," I said, "Okay. Is that how you got to my house this morning?" I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about this before.

"Well, I didn't fly," Jake teased.

"Very funny," I still wasn't in the mood for his jokes. "You know, now that you're a . . . wolf," I wasn't sure why I found it so hard to say, but I did, "I feel like there's so much about you that I don't know. Maybe we can talk about that Saturday? So I can get to know my best friend again?"

Jake's carefree smile disappeared.

"Sure, sure. We can talk about that Saturday. I'll see you then. Take care of yourself, Bells."

He turned and started walking away again. I heard the bell ring and hurried off to class.

"So What's the deal with Jake and the basketball?" Mike asked me at lunch before we started reading our respective books.

"I guess you and he think alike," I said. "Something about a little distraction going a long way."

I watched realization hit Mike's face, followed by a smile.

"Smart guy," he said, and turned to his book.

For the rest of the week I was well coddled by my friends, who continue to ensure that I had virtually no time alone except at home at night. Mike and I got together to read at lunchtime and Ben and Angela kept me company between classes. Work was fine Wednesday and Thursday, and my shopping excursion with Angela actually turned out to be really fun.

Unlike Jessica, Angela didn't insist on trying on every article of clothing in the store and she understood that I didn't necessarily want party clothes designed to make me the center of attention, so we were able to quickly and easily find a couple of dressy but still tasteful tops and new jeans. Afterwards we ate dinner and talked, carefully avoiding discussing Jasper. I hadn't told Angela about what happened Tuesday night. I had a feeling we would all be spending more time with Jake, and I didn't want to have to ask her to keep her knowledge of that night a secret. Fortunately, with the basketball game and party coming up, we had plenty of other things to talk about. We also talked about college and I confessed that my discussion with Mike prompted a new interest in culinary school. Angela remembered that one of Ben's cousins was a chef at a restaurant in Cleveland, and she though Ben could ask him to talk to me about that career path and schools. I was grateful. I wasn't sure how Charlie and Renee would feel about me opting not to go to college, but I didn't see the harm in learning about alternatives.

But while my friends provided ample distractions during the day, when I was home alone at night I had plenty of time to think about Jasper. I missed him horribly. I missed our conversations and just spending time with him. I missed his sense of humor and his intensity and the way he could make me feel giddy just by looking at me. I spent a lot of time staring at the sketch from Seattle, Seeing our love reflected on the page and remembering ever moment of that perfect day. Unfortunately, Jasper's promise to break up with Alice in person was part of that day too, and every time my recollections reached that point, I was reminded of all of my fears and insecurities.

Thinking of Jasper never made me cry. I remembered all those nights after Edward left when I had cried a river full of tears, and hated myself for reacting so differently this time. But all my tears from before had been replaced by feelings of emptiness and longing. It was exactly as Jasper had described it – like he had taken a part of me with him and I was lost without him. Only I couldn't cry for the loss, because I was the one who caused it, and I didn't deserve the sort of pity and sympathy that would accompany the tears. So I just thought and ached and wished things could have been different, knowing that the wishes were absolutely pointless.

Saturday morning Charlie and I headed for La Push. Charlie left with Billy for their fishing trip and I headed out for the shed with Jake. I wanted to learn more about the wolves, but I was a little scared. I wondered how much shape shifting into wolf form had really changed my best friend. I had already seen some of the changes in him, and I knew there would be more. It felt like still more pieces of me were being taken away. I wondered how much more I would be able to take before I disappeared altogether.

Jake worked on his car while we talked, explaining that he hadn't had as much time as he wanted to work on it lately, so he had to multi-task if he ever wanted to get it finished. Fortunately, he felt like the end was in sight. I was glad for him. He deserved this reward after everything he had been through, even if he could now apparently run fast enough to no longer need a car.

As he worked, Jake explained the workings of the wolf pack and the knowledge of vampires that had been passed down for generations so that the wolves had a better chance of protecting the tribe. He told me that we were going to have lunch with the pack so I could meet everyone, which made me nervous.

"Won't they mind my being there? Won't I be just an outsider interfering?"

"No, Bella. You won't be an outsider. You'll be with me, and that will make you one of us. Besides, as close as Billy and Charlie have been over the years, the two of you might as well be honorary Quileutes anyway. It did take them a while to come to terms with your . . . relationship with vampires, but they know it's over now, so it's okay."

"Wait, what? What do you mean? Why do they even know about my relationship with vampires and whether or not it's over? Jacob Black, you're as big of a gossip as your father!"

He looked at me, his eyes filled with sadness and guilt.

"It's not like that, Bella. I couldn't help telling them. But I should have . . . well, I should have warned you. Then again, I didn't know you knew and by the time you let me know you knew it was too late and you needed to talk to me about him and I didn't want you to shut down because I needed to know."

"You're not making any sense, Jake."

"I know. Look, I'm going to tell you because you deserve to know, but I hope it doesn't change things between us. I mean, I want you to remember that I'm always here to listen."

"Right. I don't mind the listening part, Jake. It's your need to share what you heard with your buddies that disturbs me."

"That's actually a good way to describe it. Need. It's not elective, Bella. When we're in wolf form we have a way of communicating without speaking. It's really weird, actually. It's like we can read the mind of every person in the pack. We can have conversations in our heads."

I looked at him in shock. "You can read minds? Just like Edward?"

He looked confused. "All the wolves can read the other wolves' minds when we're in wolf form, not just me. It's horribly confusing and hard to get used to at first, and it makes keeping anything secret virtually inpossible. After you left Tuesday night and I had to phase to run patrol I couldn't help but think about everything you told me, which meant that Jared and Paul knew everything I knew that night, since they were patrolling with me, and Sam and Embry learned everything the next time they phased. But what do you mean just like Edward?"

"In a minute. Let's just get back to the wolves first. You mean to tell me that anything and everything I ever tell you from now on will be public knowledge for everyone in the pack and whoever they care to share it with?"

Jake hung his head in confirmation. I sat back, my mouth hanging open. This was such terrible news. I had always been able to talk to Jake about anything, to be completely honest with him. Now I wouldn't be able to speak with him about anything at all except the most public things that I would be willing to tell everyone anyway. So I had been right, the wolves stole my best friend. Another piece of me was disappearing. I was losing the only person I could confide in that knew the truth about everything. This time, when I buried my face in my hands, the tears fell readily.

He came over and squatted in front of me. He forced me to look at him, holding my face between his large, scorching hands, brushing away my tears with his thumbs.

"Come on, Bella, don't be upset. The guys are trustworthy and they can be ordered not to talk about anything you tell me."

I scoffed. I had a feeling how likely a bunch of teenage boys were going to be to obey that kind of an order.

"No, seriously. That's part of being a wolf. Once an Alpha, the head wolf, gives an order, the others cannot disobey. It's impossible. It's actually painful to even try."

I closed my eyes. There was so much to learn about these new mythical creatures in my life. But still, even if they were ordered to keep my secrets, I didn't want all of them knowing. My days of sharing every minute detail of my life with Jacob were over.

"You may feel differently once you meet them," Jake said, as though he could read my mind. "The pack is like a family. They'll be your brothers just as much as I am."

I smiled and opened my eyes to look at him, his familiar face only inches from mine. I was glad he reminded me that he was more than a best friend. He was the brother I never had. That's why I felt so comfortable and safe around him. I knew that no matter how annoyed or upset he was with me, no matter how many stupid things I did, he would always be there for me, trying to cheer me up and make me happy. It was a little like basking in the glow of my own personal sun.

"Good, you're back," he let go of my face and ruffled the hair on the top of my head. "And you're smiling again, so I must be doing something right. I swear, Bella, keeping you happy feels like a full time job sometimes."

"No one says you have to do it," I grumbled half-heartedly, secretly glad that he was putting in all the effort.

"Sure, sure. But it'll all be worth it in the end."

We spent more time talking and then, at lunchtime, we headed over to meet up with the pack at the house of Sam's girlfriend, Emily. Jake warned me ahead of time about Emily's scars and explained how they had happened. He also explained about imprinting and about what happened between Sam and Leah Clearwater when Sam imprinted on Emily. It was such a tragic story, and it made me hate the whole shape shifting thing even more, until I saw Sam and Emily together. Watching the two of them interact was like watching the couple in the sketch of me and Jasper. They were so obviously totally in love and only had eyes for one another, it was hard to begrudge them the happiness that imprinting brought.

It would be an exaggeration to say that the pack greeted me with open arms, but considering that until very recently I had been cavorting with their mortal enemy, they were actually very cordial. Then, after a few hours of talking and joking and watching all of them inhale incredible amounts of food prepared by Emily, I realized that Jake had been right. The pack did start to feel like a family, and I started to feel like I belonged. Even though they had only just met me, Jake's thoughts gave Jared and Embry ample ammunition to tease me as mercilessly as he did sometimes. Paul ignored me, for the most part, but I somehow knew that was typical behavior for him. When Sam was around, he was too involved with Emily to pay much attention to me, and he intimidated me the most, but eventually I started to see that behind his stone-faced façade he was a kind and thoughtful man.

The pack was never all there at once. Someone was always out running patrols. At one point they were all gone and I was left with just Emily, helping her clean up the kitchen.

"So, are you feeling all right?" Emily asked, "It couldn't have been easy, leaving him like that."

I looked at her, surprised. Of course she was talking about Jasper, and I wondered how she knew.

"Jake said the boys couldn't tell anyone."

"Ah, yes. The order. He probably forgot that there is one exception. Even an order from an Alpha can't stop a wolf from sharing with his imprint. Besides, Sam is the Alpha of the pack, at least for the moment."

"What do you mean, for the moment?"

"Jacob didn't tell you that either?" Emily shook her head in disappointment. "Boys! Well, before Jake phased Sam was the wolf with the most experience and the best hereditary background to assume the role of Alpha. But Jake is a direct descendant of Ephraim Black, the last chief of the Quileute tribe and, as such, it is his destiny to be the Alpha of the pack. He's a bit conflicted about it still, not ready for all the responsibility, but Sam is grooming him and some day he will take charge of the pack." She smiled. "He already issued the order to keep quiet all your secrets, so he's starting to realize there are advantages to the position."

I couldn't believe it. My best friend, my big little brother, a leader of a wolf pack and his tribe? It was all too much to take.

"But he's just a boy," I whispered.

"He's more than that now, Bella." Emily said. "Phasing matures them beyond their chronological years. He still needs some instruction so that he understands what he needs to do for the Quileute tribe, but he's hardly a boy anymore. And you should know, he's made a commitment to you. It may not be official in your world, but here on the reservation he has adopted you into his family and given you all the protection that entails. So you will always be safe here and with the pack. You may not feel it yet, but you're one of us now, and we will always be there for you."

I was overwhelmed. As much as I loved Charlie, Renee, and even Phil, our family had always been small and fractured. As I thought about it, I wondered if their family unity was what attracted me so much to the Cullens, and why their abandonment of me had impacted me so strongly. Now Jake, without even telling me, completely filled up that void. No matter what else happened, I had a place where I belonged.

Jake chose that moment to enter the house, and I saw him in a whole different light. He stared at me, sensing that something had just changed. He looked over at Emily, but she just smiled, offering no explanation. I walked over to him with a thankful smile and wrapped my arms around him tightly. He instantly reciprocated, wrapping me up again in that warm cocoon of security.

"Thank you, Jake." I told him sincerely, "I couldn't have asked for a better brother or a better surrogate family."

"You're welcome, Bells," he said, and kissed the top of my head. "See, I told you I could make you happy."

**

* * *

**

**The title of this chapter comes from the song _Run to the Sun _by Erasure. Of course the Sun in the title is Jake, but the lyrics to the song are also eerily on target for Bella at this moment in the story. You'll find a link to the song and the lyrics in my profile.**

**As you know, I always welcome feedback and reviews, keeping in mind the Author's Note in the beginning of this chapter regarding the story's end.**


	46. Chapter 46: Every Game You Play

**This is a long chapter and jammed packed with activities. Also, because I have quite a busy weekend planned, it's coming at you a day earlier than I thought it would. Please enjoy it, because I probably will not be able to post the next one until next Monday or Tuesday.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 46: Every Game You Play

The next two weeks were extremely busy. In addition to working my regular hours at Newton's, I covered for some of Mike's shifts while he and the other Forks players practiced for the big game. When I wasn't working, Angela and I helped with the preparations. We worked with a group of students to design and print up game programs and flyers to post in the windows of all the Forks and La Push businesses, make banners to support the teams and plan for items to be sold at the concession stand. Word about the game spread pretty quickly and the whole community was excited about the event. It looked like we were going to get quite a turnout.

Since my loyalties were pretty evenly split between my school team and my new family, I volunteered to work at the concession stand during the game. I didn't know much about basketball anyway, so I wouldn't get a lot out of seeing the guys play, and I figured keeping myself busy selling sodas, chips and popcorn would be a good excuse not to bother cheering.

As busy as I was every day after school, lunchtime became my favorite time of day. Mike and I no longer bothered to even go to the cafeteria to get food. Instead, I started brown bagging lunches for the both of us so that we could spend the entire time reading. Those 50 minutes each day were nice and relaxing, and we both appreciated the down time from the excitement and stress generated by the game. This was especially true for Mike, who really seemed to appreciate the quiet. Our only interactions took place when I would finish a novel in Daniel Silva's Gabriel Allon series. Mike always had a sixth sense as to when I would finish, or else he always carried the next book in the series with him, but in any event I never had to wait. Whenever I finished a book we would briefly discuss what we each liked and disliked about it, and then I would move on to the next novel in the series and he would go back to whatever he happened to be reading. I would have never thought it possible, but we actually grew closer by not talking. There was just something about being able to sit in the same room together enjoying our joint separateness without the need to fill the time with gossip or meaningless small talk.

I spent my weekends at La Push. Whether due to an overabundance of confidence or a lack of care about the outcome of the game, Jake and his friends didn't feel the need to practice much, so hanging out with them was actually fun. Saturday mornings I had alone time with Jake and we either talked or I did my homework while he worked on his car. We'd then got to Emily's for lunch and spend a good part of the afternoon there. In the evening we'd end up gathering at one of the boys' house to watch movies or play board games.

Sundays would start with me making breakfast for Charlie, Billy and Jake before we all headed over to the Clearwaters' to watch the game. Well, to be more specific, the guys would watch the game and I would help out Sue before going back to town to work or sneaking out to go for a walk.

The one Sunday I left to go walking I was surprised to see Jake catch up with me before I could go too far.

"Want some company?" he asked.

"Sure, but don't you mind missing the game?"

"Nah. I don't really follow the teams that are playing today. I'll watch the game tomorrow night – much more interesting."

"Okay," I said, knowing that normally this hardly would have mattered, but glad to accept any excuse to have him come along on my walk. I enjoyed watching Jake work on his car and interacting with the pack, but I had missed our walks together. As we always seemed to, we gravitated towards the path that led to First Beach until we were on the beach itself and sitting on our favorite piece of driftwood.

"So, am I doing a good job? Are you feeling better?"

"You know I am. I hardly have time to myself anymore."

"So you're feeling busier, but are you better?" he pressed. I looked down to the sand and shrugged.

"It's like you suspected. I'm fine when I don't have time to think. But when I'm alone and not doing anything else . . ."

In truth I was still spending a lot of time each night missing Jasper, looking at the sketch. Periodically I would take out the cell phone, which, for no good reason, I kept charged, and imagined myself pressing the 1 button. I fantasized about hearing his voice before realizing that if I did call him, I would have absolutely nothing to say that would make our situation any better. Calling him would only make things harder for both of us, would make us miss each other that much more. So inevitably I would tuck away the phone into my book bag, put away the sketch and lie in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering if the emptiness inside me could ever be filled by someone other than him.

"I guess I still have my work cut out for me, then," Jake said.

A cool breeze came in off the ocean and I shivered. Jake put a protective arm around me, drawing me closer and sharing his natural body heat.

"I don't know if I'm worth all the effort, Jake," I confessed, "This may be as good as I'm ever going to get."

"That's nonsense," he countered, "It hasn't been long enough yet, that's all. We just have to give it more time and maybe work on distracting you better."

I groaned. I was already so tired from all the "distractions" he and my friends cooked up. I didn't think could handle any more. Besides, no matter what they did I would be alone with my thoughts sometimes, and that's when I would always return to Jasper.

"Really, Jake, just let it go. The one thing I learned in all this time is that I'm stronger than I thought. As much as it hurts and as tempting as it is to go back to him, I've been able to resist. That's worth something, right?"

Jake slammed his left fist into the driftwood, causing the entire piece to vibrate. I looked over at him with question and surprise.

"I know you're strong, Bella, and I know you can resist that temptation, but I sure as hell would feel better if the temptation removed itself from the area. I was hoping he would have left as soon as you told him the two of you were over. I can't figure out why he's still here?"

"He's not leaving, Jake," I sounded morose even to my own ears, "He told me he'll stay as long as I'm here. He's waiting for me to change my mind."

Jake hit the driftwood again. He muttered something to himself about leeches. Then he tensed and became still. I stilled as well and focused on the sound of a wolf howl off in the distance. Jake was up in a flash.

"That's Jared," he said. "He's running patrol right now. I'd better see what's going on." He started walking off into the trees.

"Where are you going?" I called after him.

"I can't phase in front of you, Bella. I have to take off my clothes, or else I'll have nothing to wear back home. And while I'm all too happy to distract you from thinking about Jasper, I don't think that's exactly the kind of a distraction you need."

I blushed from head to toe at his implication and the realization that as soon as he was within the cover of the trees Jake would be, at least for a few moments, stark naked. Then another thought occurred to me. In mere moments Jake would be a wolf, something he had yet to share with me.

"Jake, after you speak with Jared, will you come back for a while as a wolf? I'd like to see that side of you."

He looked me for a few seconds, evaluating the pros and cons of showing me his other self. Apparently unable to come up with enough good reasons not to do it, he said "All right, but promise not to freak out. It's . . . different."

I nodded. He disappeared in the woods and I waited. In a few minutes I heard rustling and watched a huge wolf make his way from the trees to the driftwood.

I was glad Jake had warned me, because even as prepared as I was, the sight of him startled and unsettled me. I hadn't exactly studied wolves, but I knew no animal in nature could compare to the sheer mass of Jacob. He stood as tall as a horse, his russet fur a perfect match for his beautiful skin. He loped over to me, stopping a few feet away, watching me cautiously. I stood up, even at full height not taller than him. I walked towards him, concentrating on his eyes which, though larger, were still so familiar. I held out my hand and entwined it in the fur behind his ear as I pressed my face to his.

"You're magnificent, Jake," I said, a bit awestruck. He let out a short bark that sounded like one of his trademark laughs. When I pulled away I saw that he flashed his teeth in a wolfy version of a grin. I swatted at him, knowing exactly what he was thinking.

"Egomaniac!" I teased. I was rewarded with a slurp of his giant tongue on my cheek. "Eeew," I complained, wiping off my face, and was rewarded with another laughing bark. I hugged his neck, rubbing my face into his fur to take off the remainder of his wolf saliva. Finally, I let him go, and he ran back for the woods, coming out a few minutes later dressed and in human form.

"So the wolf impressed you, huh?" he teased.

"Of course," I said, keeping in theme with his light mood. "I mean, you're an absolutely gorgeous beast."

"Aw, shucks," he said, pretending to wave off the compliment, "I bet you say that to all the guys." He laughed and I joined in.

"Hmmmm." I said noncommittally. "Seriously, though, Jake, some day you're gonna make some girl extremely happy."

Jake snorted. "I sure hope that day's not anywhere near yet. I haven't even started to play the field."

"I see, so that's the kind of brother I have – a player? Do I need to warn the local female population?"

Jake laughed. "Sure, sure. That'll just make me that much more desirable."

I rolled my eyes.

"So what did Jared want?" I asked, suddenly remembering what prompted him to phase to wolf form.

His face clouded over and I could see he was debating whether to share the news with me.

"The bloodsucker is hanging around the res border, near the road to Forks. I'm guessing he knows you're here and he's trying to keep tabs on you without violating the treaty. Don't worry, we'll have a few wolves follow you and Charlie home, make sure he doesn't interfere."

"That's not necessary, Jake. He wouldn't . . ."

"Whatever, Bella. It won't hurt to have us follow you home and the guys are always up for a run. Speaking of which, it's nearly dinner time. We don't want to keep everyone waiting."

We walked back to the Clearwaters' house and ate. After dinner Charlie and I got into my truck and headed for home. On the drive back I kept my eye on the forest on the side of the road. Every once in a while I saw glimpses of Russet and Grey fur. When we got home I took one look to the edge of the forest and saw the three wolves standing just within the cover of the first row of trees. Of course I recognized Jake in the center. He was flanked by a brown wolf and one with gray black-spotted fur. Knowing that I saw them, the wolves swished their tales as if in farewell and disappeared back into the forest.

Game day finally arrived, and you could almost feel the crackling of excitement in the air. Billy and Charlie cut their fishing trip short so they could be back in plenty of time to watch the game. Billy, of course, was rooting for Jake and La Push. Charlie was cheering Jake on too, but he was there primarily to make sure the crowd didn't get too boisterous. I stayed well within the bounds of the concession stand, making sure I would not have to choose sides.

The game was to be played in the high school field house. The walls were draped with the banners supporting Forks and La Push and the stands had been set up to allow fans of the teams to sit on opposite sides. The field house was packed with people of all ages. It seemed like every member of the local population had shown up to witness the friendly rivalry. A sound system was set up to play a variety of favorite sports themed songs to keep everyone pumped up before the game started. I had little time to appreciate it all, since the concession stand was doing quite a brisk business as well.

Finally it was time for the teams to come out to the court. I heard the first sounds of Sirius by the Alan Parsons Project and the Forks crowd erupted into cheers as the announcer began to introduce members of the high school varsity team. Each boy ran onto the court for his moment of glory and adulation. I had to laugh at the ceremony and pageantry of it all. So much fuss for a silly game!

Once all the Forks players were introduced, another song started playing.

_They're playing basketball  
__We love that b__asketball. . ._

I had to laugh. If I remembered correctly the artist behind the song was Lil Bow Wow – I was sure that Jake was behind that pick, and that he was absolutely chortling inside.

The players were introduced to the cheers of the LA Push crowd. Then, suddenly, I heard ear splitting squeals and clapping. I looked to the court to see what was going on, and instantly understood. The Forks players were in uniform, but the La Push guys were only wearing unmatched cut off shorts and T-shirts. Apparently, to make themselves look more cohesive, and to the utter delight of every female in the crowd, they now decided to shed the T-shirts and play the game as the "skins" team. Although these guys were now my surrogate family and I simply could not think of them romantically in any way, I had to admit it made for nice eye candy. For the first time I regretted my choice to work at the concession stand for the entire game.

Predictably, with a crowd this large, business at the concession stand did not slow down throughout the game, so I had no time to watch. Every once in a while I would sneak a peak at the scoreboard, especially when there was a louder than normal reaction from the crowd, but the score alone told me only that the La Push team continued to lead, but Forks was never so far out of it that the final seemed a foregone conclusion. At one point Angela made her way over and confirmed my suspicions that the La Push guys were trying hard to keep the game somewhat even instead of completely running over the varsity team. I had suspected this would happen – no matter how skilled the Forks players were, there was just no getting around the bulk of the Quileute boys. I just hoped Mike and the other Forks guys wouldn't take the loss too hard.

"Don't worry, Bella," Angela told me. "Ben is taping the whole game so you'll be able to watch it later."

"Cool," I told her before moving to help the next customer, "I'll talk to you later."

Traffic at the concession stand finally slowed down in the final few minutes of the game, as everyone wanted to watch the end. I took advantage of the downtime to start the clean up and to get waters and sports drinks ready for the players. I looked up to watch the final 30 seconds, as Tyler shot and made a couple of free throws, then Forks got the rebound and Mike sunk the last 3 point basket of the game, pulling Forks within 7 points of La Push. I had a feeling that rebound was a La Push gimme, but the game ended on a nice note with Forks losing but still having the final score, so no one seemed to mind. The crowd exploded with cheers, the La Push side understandably louder than the Forks side. Still, in the spirit of friendly rivalry and play, there didn't seem to be any discipline problems for Charlie to have to take care of. The guys all shook hands and both teams came over to me to get cold drinks.

I came out from behind the counter to congratulate the Quileutes and was swiftly swept up by Jake into a bear hug.

"No worries," he whispered in my ear as he held me, "We didn't embarrass them too badly."

"I know," I whispered back, "Thanks."

That's all we had time for, because as soon as Jake put me down I was immediately pulled into a hug by Jared, Embry and even Paul. Only Quil, the sole non-wolf on the La Push team, and the only one I haven't spent as much time bonding with, seemed to hesitate before sweeping me into his arms. I couldn't help but laugh, feeling like a rag doll being passed from boy to boy.

"Hey, hey," I heard Mike joke, "I don't recall hugs from the other team's girls being one of the perks of winning."

Quil dropped his arms and looked over at Mike, his eyes narrowing angrily.

"Maybe not, but Bella's a La Push girl," Paul growled possessively.

Mike's smile faded a bit. "Last time I checked she still lived and went to school in Forks."

"All right, all right," I said, holding out my arms, pretending to hold both boys back from attacking each other. "Don't make a fuss. I'm team Switzerland and you all know it. I was rooting for everyone today."

To prove my point I walked over to Mike and gave him a hug, then proceeded to do the same with the other Forks players.

"Now, I have cold drinks waiting for all of you guys. Grab some and go clean up and change. Especially you," I spoke to the Quileutes, "You've provided enough excitement for one day."

I saw Sam standing off to the side, leaning against a supporting column, smiling indulgently at the scene. When he caught my eye he lifted his chin in greeting. Then he and Jake exchanged a look.

"Bella's right, you guys," Jake said to his teammates, "Let's go shower and change." He started walking and the other players followed him to the away team locker room.

Mike pulled me aside as the other players got their drinks.

"So you're a La Push girl now, huh?"

I shrugged. "I've been spending some time lately with Jake and the guys on the reservation. Everyone in Forks has been so focused on the game . . ."

"Well, you can do what you want, of course, but the game's over now, so there's no need for you to spend all your free time over there."

I looked at him carefully, trying to figure out if this was just a friendly concern or something more. Mike saw what I was doing and sighed.

"I just meant that we'd all have more time now to spend together as friends." He said. "You don't have to go out of town to find things to do or people to do it with. I mean, I know you said Jake's like a brother, but those other guys, who knows what they're thinking?"

I smiled at Mike's concern. Of course, I couldn't tell him that Jake very much knew what they were all thinking. All except Quil, of course, but judging by his size and rising temperature it wouldn't be long before Quil too joined the pack. I knew the whole pack was watching him carefully the same way they had watched Jake before. I was just glad that due to Jake's influence the pack was trying to include Quil in more activities. I could only imagine how lonely he would have been as the only one of his friends not privy to the secret and not able to hang out with them. He still couldn't come to pack meetings and didn't spend time with us at Emily's, but at least the boys included him in their weekend plans.

"Don't worry so much, Mike. I can take care of myself. These guys are harmless, really. And now that the game is done I will do more stuff in town, okay? Need any help with the victory party you now have to throw for their team?

Mike groaned and slicked back his perspiration-soaked hair. "Yeah, my parents already said we could have the party at our house, but I could use help getting ready."

"All righty, then. I'm in. Just tell me what you need me to do"

"Thanks Bella. For now I think we just better follow the La Push lead and change. See you later!"

I returned to the concession area and to finish cleaning up. Angela came over to help while Ben put away the sound system and his video equipment. With her assistance, it hardly took us any time to put away the unused food and supplies, sweep the floor and clean the counters. When we were done I delivered the cash box to the school principal, who would split the proceeds between our respective schools. Then I met up with Ben and Angela and we waited for the rest of our friends so we could head out to the ice cream parlor where Forks boys could drown their sorrows in milkshakes and malts.

The following week went by quickly. With Mike back, I didn't have to work as often, but I spent a lot of time helping him plan the party and even went to Port Angeles with him to purchase party supplies. Mrs. Newton, Angela and I planned out the food and I offered to make some of the appetizers and desserts, so I spent a lot of that Friday night and Saturday morning cooking. Jake complained about me not coming out to La Push, but not too much. He sounded like he was excited that I was so involved with my friends.

After I was done cooking Saturday, I took all the food to Mike's house and helped to decorate. The party would be held in the lower level of the Newton's home, which I didn't even know existed from my single visit. Their home had been built on a sloped lot, so while from the street it looked like a simple two-story, it actually had a huge lower level rec room that opened up onto a giant cedar deck built on the slope. A staircase from the deck led into the yard which was quite spacious and backed up into the forest. Mrs. Newton dug out a whole bunch of white Christmas tree lights and Ben and I used them to decorate the deck so that everything would twinkle pleasantly at night.

Inside Mike plugged his iPod loaded with party music into his stereo and brought out the Karaoke machine. We set out coolers full of water and soda, set up the plates and napkins and arranged the appetizers and desserts. It took a lot of time and effort, but by the time we were done the room looked great and everything was ready!

Guests started arriving promptly at 6:00, Mike's closest friends from Forks first, and then some of the kids from La Push. Soon the noise of the crowd was drowning out everything but the beat of the music as everyone was eating, drinking and generally having fun.

Almost from the very beginning of the party, I was surrounded by Tyler, Eric, and a bunch of other boys. They were all complimenting me on my new outfit and trying to outdo each other with jokes and stories. It was almost as if they had been in the stalls waiting for a start of a horse race and now someone pushed the button to open the gates. I saw Jake and the other Quileute boys come in, and waved to them, but I couldn't extricate myself from my fan club to go over to say a proper hello. I shot Jake a desperate look, but he just shrugged and raised an eyebrow, as if to say "what do you need me for?" I looked over to Mike, who shot me a more sympathetic glance, but only because he was similarly cornered by Jessica and a couple of other girls from school.

I tried everything to get away from my admirers, but they did everything they could to keep me in place. When I mentioned I was thirsty someone went to get me a drink. Same thing with food. When I said I was tired and needed to sit down, we moved in a group over to the sofa. Finally, absolutely desperate, I came up with the only place none of them could go with me and snuck off to the restroom.

In the bathroom I finally had a moment's peace, so I took a little time to gather myself and breathe. I looked in the mirror and tried to evaluate myself objectively. I decided that the new outfit and the hair trim I had gotten earlier this week did enhance my appearance marginally, but not nearly enough to warrant this much attention. If I didn't know better, I'd have sworn that someone just now published the news that I broke up with Edward. It was all absurd, of course, and I hated to have to go through this all night long. An idea hatched in my head. If I could just stay low and close to the perimeter walls, I might be able to sneak out onto the deck. Although Ben and I had done a good job decorating it, the evening had turned cold and there was no one outside. I wouldn't be able to stay out there long, but even a few minutes out of the claustrophobic atmosphere of the party would be a relief.

I put my plan in action immediately and it worked like a charm. I managed to get out of the bathroom without attracting any attention and then quickly walked along the walls to the patio door, which I opened just enough to be able to get out. I walked over to the part of the deck least visible from the inside and leaned against the railing, gratefully breathing in the crisp fall air.

"Hey, Bella. Tired of the party?"

I turned at the sound to see Quil coming up to stand beside me at the deck railing.

"Just needed a little fresh air," I replied. I didn't particularly want to get into the real reason I needed to get outside.

"Yeah, it must be nice to have a little space. You've been swarmed in there all night."

I smiled. For a young kid, Quil was quite perceptive.

"How about you? Did you need some space too?" I could well imagine the Forks girls smothering Quil and the other boys.

"In a way . . ." he said. He hesitated, then took a deep breath. "Actually, I saw you coming out here and I followed hoping to have a chance to talk to you without your entourage," he flipped his head towards the house.

I kept smiling, but I was very confused. I couldn't imagine what Quil wanted to talk to me about that would require any sort of privacy.

"Okay, well, here I am," I offered.

"Right," it came out hoarse and Quil cleared his throat. "Here you are."

We stood silently for a minute.

"Um . . . So . . ." I was trying to get him to continue.

"I just wanted to tell you . . ."

"Yes?" this was getting really painful and I was starting to feel uneasy.

"Well, it's just that . . . I'm sure you must hear it all the time, but you're so pretty," he said, almost reverently, "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. You have these gorgeous eyes and the way your hair frames your face, it's like looking at an angel."

I was stunned and rooted in place. I had no idea what to say. And then, before I could respond, I saw him move towards me and felt his hands grasp my upper arms as his head dipped and his full, soft, warm lips flitted across mine like wings of a butterfly. The whole thing was so unexpected, I didn't know how to react. Then I felt his lips again, this time with more pressure, and I felt his arms wrap around my back. It didn't feel bad. In fact, it didn't feel like much at all. But it also didn't feel right.

I finally snapped out of my paralysis. I placed my hands against his chest and pushed, but I couldn't move his bulk. He didn't even seem to register my touch as his lips continued to move over mine. I pulled my head back to break the kiss.

"Quil, no," I said. "Stop!"

And then suddenly Quil's arms were no longer around me as he was ripped off me and tossed to the other side of the deck. I watched his body fly through the air and then hit the wood with a sickening thud. His eyes were open wide in shock. I screamed as a strong arm wrapped around my waist and I was lifted off the ground. The person holding me catapulted himself over the deck railing and I screamed again as we descended several feet to the ground. He landed gracefully, keeping me lifted so that I felt only the minimum impact, and then took off running towards the forest at a fast pace. It took a few more moments for my shock to wear off and for me to recognize my captor.

"Jasper," I gasped, "Jasper, Stop! Put me down, please."

He kept running until we reached a small clearing, where he stopped and set me down.

"Have you gone mad? What are you doing?" I was shouting.

"He assaulted you," Jasper said incredulously, "I couldn't just let him . . ."

"What? He didn't. . . He didn't mean anything. . . He's harmless . . .He's just a kid stealing a kiss. He would have stopped without your interference."

"I wasn't about to take that chance," he said, his voice hard and cold.

"That's ridiculous. What were you doing there, anyway? Are you watching me?"

He looked away without answering.

"Jasper?"

"Bella, I can't touch you, I can't talk to you, I can't look into your eyes, I can't tell you how I feel, I can't impact what you do and who you do it with, but I can still protect you. You can't stop me from keeping you safe."

"It's not up to you to keep me safe anymore."

Instead of continuing the conversation he suddenly shifted to stand in front of me in a protective crouch, teeth bared. It was the same stance I saw him use at the baseball game last spring. A few seconds later I heard rustling and then the clearing was filled with three massive Quileute boys, led by Jake. They stopped upon seeing the snarling Jasper. Jake looked right past him, focusing solely on me.

"Are you all right, Bells?" he asked.

"She's fine now," Jasper answered for me. "She wasn't doing so well when one of your cohorts decided to put his paws all over her."

Jake looked from Jasper to me, obviously disturbed by what he had just heard.

"Quil?" once again he directed the question to me. "Did he . . .?"

"He made sure she was alone and vulnerable and attacked her against her will," Jasper interrupted.

"He didn't attack me," I said, frustrated. "He just tried to kiss me and took me by surprise. I didn't react fast enough to tell him no."

Jake looked from me to Jasper. I could tell it was taking a lot of effort for him to keep his emotions in check.

"All right," he said to Jasper in the calm and measured voice he used whenever he needed to control himself, "We'll deal with Quil. Everything is under control. We'll keep a close eye on Bella to make sure nothing else happens." He paused, swallowing hard. "Thanks for your help," he choked out with difficulty, "but we'll handle it from here. Come on, Bella," he said to me, holding out his hand.

Jasper spread out his arms, as if to stop me from passing him. A near roar of threatening growls ripped form the throats of the Quileute boys. I saw Paul trembling violently. Jake said something to him under his breath which seemed to slow down the tremors.

"She's perfectly safe here," Jasper said. "She doesn't need to go anywhere with you."

"She doesn't want to stay with you, Cullen," Jake's voice was frighteningly calm. "When are you going to get the message? It's over between you. Go back to your family. We can take care of Bella."

"Who was taking care of her when one of your friends decided to force his unwanted attentions on her?" Jasper hissed.

"That's enough, Jasper," I said. "Quil was never going to hurt me. I wasn't in any danger."

"That's not what it looked like from where I was standing. You tried to push him away and he didn't budge." Japer said, without taking his eyes off the Quileutes.

"You didn't give him a chance to budge. You went too far. You shouldn't have been there in the first place." I started walking, intending to go around him to get to Jake.

"Bella," his eyes left the boys and turned to me, "please stay. Let's talk about this."

"She's got nothing to say to you," Jake said, his voice rising. Jasper hissed in Jake's direction.

"Jasper, have you seen Alice?" I asked. I had a feeling I knew the answer, but I couldn't help myself.

"Bella," the plea in his voice told me everything I needed to know. A brief flicker of hope that flared up inside me was extinguished again.

"Jake's right, Jasper. We have nothing to talk about. You have to let me go now."

Jasper lowered his arms and straightened. I walked around him and up to Jake, who immediately stepped in between me and Jasper. The other boys closed ranks around me.

"Haven't you and your brother put her through enough, bloodsucker? Can't you tell how much she's hurting because of you? If you had even an ounce of feeling for her you'd leave now and never return."

I watched Jasper through a small gap between Jake and Jared's shoulders. His stance was defiant, but I could see a flash of uncertainty in his eyes.

"What would you know about my feelings for Bella, mongrel, or her feelings for me? I'll leave when she asks me to leave," his voice was perfectly confident.

"Bella, tell him," Jake turned to me. I saw the plea in his eyes and looked away, ashamed, because I couldn't respond in the way he wanted. I couldn't do that to Jasper. Telling him to leave in front of the boys would be too humiliating.

"Let's go, Jake," I said, instead. "Let's just go back to the party. I'm sure everyone is wondering what's going on."

Jake's disappointment was obvious, but he didn't say anything. We all turned to walk back to Mike's house.

"This isn't over, Black," I heard Jasper say. Jake turned around.

"Let's finish it right now, leech! Bring it!"

"No," I cried, "stop! This is ridiculous. There is nothing for the two of you to fight about."

"He knows what he's been doing," Jasper hissed.

"And I know what you've been doing," Jake snarled. He was trembling with anger. I tried to go to him but Jared grabbed me and held me back. I struggled and a low threatening rumble erupted from Jasper's throat.

"Release her, dog, unless you're not particularly fond of your limbs."

Jake looked back at us. "Let her go, Jared," he ordered.

Jared relaxed his grip and I tore out of his grasp to go to Jake. I placed my hand on his arm in what I hoped was a calming gesture.

"Please, Jake, let it go. We need to get back to the party."

He looked down at me silently, his body still trembling. I looked past him to Jasper.

"Please, you don't want to start something and break the treaty."

"This is Forks, Bella, neutral territory. This has nothing to do with the treaty." Jasper did not relax his battle-ready stance.

"Then forget about the treaty and stop this for me. I don't want to see the two of you fighting. I couldn't bear it if either of you got hurt. I don't know what you two are talking about, but there is a better time and place to resolve it and a better way to do it than fighting. For now, please, just let it go."

"She's right," Jake said. "We shouldn't do this in front of her. Today's your lucky day."

"It hasn't been lucky yet, but things could still change if you decide to take a walk in the woods later."

I looked at both of them in alarm. "Jake, let's go," I said, pulling on his arm. The last thing I wanted was for them to set up some sort of a rendezvous tonight. "Please!"

Jake looked at me again and allowed me to pull him away without saying another word. He walked backwards without taking his eyes off Jasper until we were out of the clearing. Then he turned, picked me up in his arms, and ran towards Mike's house, only placing me down when we reached the tree line so I could walk back on my own two feet for the benefit of anyone who happened to be watching from the house.

"Check with Embry," Jake said to Paul, "See if Sam has any news about Quil."

Paul ran back into the trees, presumably to phase and talk to Embry, who was running patrol at the reservation.

"Jared, go on up ahead and see if you can see what's been going on since we left," Jake continued to command. Jared jogged obediently back to the house.

Jake halted and placed a hand on my shoulders to stop me. "Why didn't you tell him to leave, Bella? You heard him – he'll go if you tell him to go."

"I can't do that Jake. This is his home. I'm not going to be the one who drives him away."

"Bloodsuckers don't have a home, Bella. They have places where they stay for a while. He has overstayed his welcome here."

"You're wrong, Jake, but I don't want to talk about this anymore. What's our story when we get back?"

"Hopefully we won't need one. The party was loud, so Sam was the only one who heard your scream. We came out and found Quil. Sam was going to check him out and take him back to the reservation and to a doctor, if necessary. The three of us went after you. With any luck no one noticed our absence."

I snorted. It was pretty unlikely that any of the Forks girls were going to miss the absence of the Quileute guests of honor. "I don't think that's going to fly. Hope you have a back-up plan."

"If all else fails we'll say that Quil got sick and we had to take him home."

"All four of you?"

"Well, no, obviously not. I was with you the whole time taking a romantic stroll," his hand slipped down from my shoulder so he could grab mine and bring it up for a kiss.

"Jake!"

"Sorry, Bells, it's the best I can do on short notice. Unless you want to be taking that romantic stroll with all of us," he smiled wickedly.

"Ugh! All right. If it comes to that we went for a friendly walk just to get some fresh air," I conceded. "No romance!"

Jake dropped my hand and pounded his right hand over his heart. "Oh, Bells, you wound me!"

I rolled my eyes.

"A, you're a terrible actor. And B, if you don't quit it, I'll kick you in the shin."

Jake shrugged. "Such a violent little girl! Does Charlie know you have this streak?" He laughed and continued "You can feel free to kick me, Bells, but all that will probably get you is a broken toe."

"Ugh!" I said again, knowing he was right.

We heard a noise behind us and saw Paul running in our direction. "Quil's all right. He had the breath knocked out of him and he's going to have some nasty bruises, but nothing's broken. He said to tell you he's really sorry," the last comment was directed at me. "Sam's going to stay on the res and relieve Embry. Do you want Embry to come over here?"

Jake considered his options. "Yes. The party's almost over, but we need a little more coverage here."

Paul nodded. "I'll let him know," he said and headed back towards the woods. Footsteps from the direction of the house announced Jared's return.

"No one noticed anything that happened on the deck. A couple of people tried to ask me where we'd been, but I dodged them."

"Okay. The official story is that Quil got sick and you guys took him home. Bella wasn't feeling well either so I took her to get some fresh air."

Jared nodded and we started walking back to the house. Paul soon caught up with us.

"He's on his way," he reported to Jake, who filled him in on the cover story.

When we got into the house Jake leaned and whispered something into Paul's ear, who nodded his understanding curtly.

"Do you want to come with me to get something to drink, Bella?" Paul asked me. I looked at him suspiciously. Something was going on. Paul would never just ask me to go with him out of the blue. Still, I had no good reason to refuse.

"I guess so," I said, following him through the crowd. As soon as Tyler and Eric saw that I had returned, they flew to my side and once again tried to outdo each other on making small talk with me. I looked back to Jared and Jake, hoping they would rescue me, and was surprised to see only Jared. The serious look on his face sent a heavy weight to the pit of my stomach. I started to push my way through the crowd to the patio door.

"Bella," I heard Paul's voice behind me and I tried to move through the crowd even faster, darting into small spaces between people that I knew Paul would not fit into. Then again, he didn't need to fit. Due in part to his bulk, people parted in front of him naturally, like the sea before Moses. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jared moving towards me from another direction. My movements through the crowd became frantic.

Finally I was at the patio door, sliding it open and walking onto the deck. I searched the dark yard for what I was sure would be there, soon spotting Jake's familiar silhouette as he moved towards the forest.

"Jake, come back!" I screamed. He paused to look back at me for a moment, then turned and kept walking. No one had to tell me that he was going back into the forest to square off against Jasper. I ran for the deck stairs, determined to catch up and stop him in any way that I could, but before I could reach them I felt strong arms wrap around my waist and hold firm. "Let me go," I cried as I struggled desperately to get free, even though I knew my efforts would be futile, "We have to stop him."

"No, Bella, we don't," Paul said in a low voice, close to my ear. "This is something he has to do, and he left orders that we're not to let you interfere. You know we have the means to stop you if you try to go after him, but it would be a lot easier if you just accepted it. Please don't make this any harder on us that it has to be."

"But one of them is going to get hurt, maybe both. How can you just stand here and let him walk into danger?"

"We have our orders, Bella," Jared said as he came to stand beside us. "Jake knows what he's doing. He won't place himself in unnecessary danger or take stupid risks."

I wanted to argue with them, since going into the forest was so clearly an unnecessary risk, but I knew it was no use. Jake had entered the forest and I could no longer see him or even be sure I knew which direction he had disappeared to. I relaxed my up to now tense body and Paul released his hold. I walked up to and leaned against the railing, staring at the unmoving dark mass of trees, hoping against hope that somehow both Jasper and Jacob would walk away from this confrontation unscathed.

**

* * *

**

The title of this chapter comes form the song Every Breath You Take by The Police. The Song Sirius by the Alan Parsons Project, is better known as the opening theme for the Chicago Bulls. And the song Basketball is by Lil Bow Wow. You'll find links to all three in my profile.

**Sorry about the cliffhanger, especially since I really will not be able to upload until Monday or Tuesday of next week. I did try to put something in here for everyone, though, so please let me know what you thought.**


	47. Chapter 47: If I Could Be Like Mike

**I know the cliffy from the last chapter was unkind, so here's the next chapter a little early. This is actually only a part of what this chapter was going to be, but I'm having a hard time with the second half and so, rather than postponing posting until Tuesday or later, I decided to break it up into two chapters and post this tonight. Hopefully you won't mind. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 47: If I Could Be Like Mike

"Is everything all right, Bella?" I heard Mike say behind us. I turned to see him looking from Jared to Paul, trying to gauge our moods.

"I heard you hadn't been feeling well and I wanted to see if I could get you anything. Something for a headache? Stomachache? Do you need a quiet place to sit for a while?"

I sighed. I wasn't going to accomplish anything by staying out here on the deck, and right now I just wanted to get away from Jared and Paul. I didn't blame them for following Jake's orders, since I knew they couldn't disobey those. But I also had a feeling they would have held me back even without his order, and I resented that.

"Yeah, Mike, somewhere quiet to sit for a while would be great."

"Okay, come on," he held out his hand and I took it without hesitating. Paul and Jared looked like they were going to follow us but I shot them a look that stopped them in their tracks. They exchanged a look and Jared shrugged. I knew they had determined that I couldn't sneak out past them even if they weren't physically with me, and decided to let me go. I was glad. I had no intention of going after Jake. Right now I just wanted to get away from all the supernatural beings in my life.

Instead of going inside, Mike led me to a staircase that went up to the second level of the deck, where a set of French doors with a keypad lock led to the dinette. Mike punched in a code, opened the door and led me though the dinette to the family room. The under cabinet lights left on in the kitchen provided just enough illumination so that Mike didn't bother to turn on any additional lights. We sat together on the sofa. The same sofa Angela comforted me on a few weeks ago.

"I'm sorry you're not feeling well, Bella," Mike said in a hushed voice, barely above a whisper. I knew his parents were upstairs in their room and he obviously did not want to alert them to our presence in the main part of the house. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?"

"No, thanks. It's not really about physical pain, Mike. I just got too smothered today. All those guys downstairs and then Quil. . ." I spoke at a similarly low volume.

"Quil?"

I chuckled. "Yeah. It was no big deal, really. I think he has a crush on me and when we were both on the deck he kissed me before I could stop him."

"What?" Mike's voice got a bit louder. He looked absolutely furious. "See, I tried to warn you last week. I knew those guys were bad news."

"It's okay," I said, trying to calm him. "The other guys will make sure it never happens again. He's already back in La Push."

"Jesus, Bella," Mike said, only a little calmer. "I'm so sorry. Under my own roof . . ." He turned to me suddenly, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Was he the one who made you cry that Sunday?"

I shook my head. "No, Mike. Please don't you blow this out of proportion too. He stole a kiss, that's all. He didn't hurt me nor would he ever hurt me. He just needs to know to ask permission first or be darned certain that the girl is on the same page as he is, that's all. But for me, at least, that was the last straw after what's been happening inside all night. I know this sounds hopelessly self-absorbed, but I'm so tired of fending off guys," I saw a guilty look pass his face. "I'm sorry," I quickly added and placed a hand on his arm, "I didn't mean you."

"But you did," he said, not looking at me. "I know my previous actions must have contributed to you feeling this way."

"Okay," I conceded. I really didn't want to lie to him, especially when the truth was so obvious. "You didn't help. But even when you pushed too much you were still a good guy about it. Tonight it was different – these guys wouldn't take a hint."

He looked down, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Bella. I saw that you were mobbed, but I didn't realize just how uncomfortable you were. I should have stepped in to help."

I smiled. "That's okay, Mike. As I recall you were having a similar problem at the time."

We sat silently for a time, lost in our own thoughts.

"You know," he said after a while, "I've been thinking about a lot of stuff in the last few weeks, and I came to some conclusions."

"Oh, yeah? Like what?"

"Well, at one point I really thought I wanted you and me to be together, you know, as boyfriend and girlfriend? But then I realized that maybe we were better as friends. I'd never really had that before. A friend who is a girl. And I kind of like it, you know?"

"I know. I like it too."

"So anyway, once I got over the idea that you and I should go out, I started thinking about going out with other girls. But you know what? None of them really appeal to me. If I went out with any of them I would just be using them to pass the time, you know? And I don't really feel good about that. It just doesn't seem right."

I nodded.

"So I figured that maybe I'm just not supposed to be with anyone right now. I mean, in less than a year I'll be in college and will meet a bunch of new girls and maybe the right girl is somewhere out there, not here in Forks."

I laughed. "Yeah, you're right. When you get right down to it, we're fishing in a pretty small pond."

"Yeah, but I don't even feel like I'm fishing. I feel more like the fish, desperate not to get caught. And I think you feel the same way."

He had a point. I nodded my agreement. "I think that's exactly how I felt tonight."

"So listen, why don't we help each other out? You don't want to date anyone and I don't want to date anyone, so why don't we just pretend that we're dating each other? I'll give you my class ring, we let a few select people know we're together exclusively so that news can spread with maximum speed, and then we'll both be fine until it's time to leave Forks. And if either of us changes our minds, we can stage a break-up and it will be over."

I considered his suggestion. I had to admit, it wasn't a horrible idea.

"I'm not sure about taking your ring," I mused out loud.

"It'll be a loan. I know you're good for it and would return it if I asked."

"What about PDA's? Won't we make it too obvious that we're not really together if we never do anything couple-like in public?"

His forehead creased.

"We can hold hands and hug at school, if you don't mind, maybe kiss on the cheek? That's pretty innocent but it should be enough. If anyone is stupid or rude enough to ask about anything else we can just pretend to be private."

I sighed. "I don't know. My acting skills are not that great."

"Look, we already eat lunch together every day and work together many afternoons. All we'll need to do is spend some time together on the weekends. I swear we can keep it light and fun and friendly. But as long as we're doing stuff together I don't think you'll have to act much."

I still wasn't certain.

"Let me think about it, okay? I'll let you know soon?"

"Sure, Bella," he agreed. "I mean, I know I kind of sprung this on you, so take your time. Just don't take all year. It would defeat the purpose."

I lightly punched him in the arm.

"You're such a comedian," I said, "and a really good friend." We exchanged a look and a smile and then, as if on cue, we both leaned back, our heads resting on the back of the sofa. We stayed that way for a while, not speaking.

"Shouldn't you be going back downstairs?" I asked. "People must be missing their host by now."

He pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes and rubbed, then put his hands down on the sofa and looked at me. "Yeah, I guess I'd better go. Do you want to stay up here?"

"For a little while longer, if you don't mind."

"No, not at all. When you're ready to go down just go out the same way we came in and press the lock button on the keypad," he got up and went to the door. "See you soon?" he asked as he looked back at me.

"Yeah," I replied, "I won't be too long."

As soon as I was alone my thoughts jumped to Jake and Jasper. I walked up to the French doors and looked out towards the forest, wondering what was happening out there right now. The thought of my best friend and the man I loved locked in a battle for life and death churned my stomach. I looked around, spotted a door that looked like it led to a powder room and ran. My guess had turned out to be right and I barely had time to lift the toilet seat before emptying the contents of my stomach into the bowl. When I was done I slid to my knees and leaned my head against the wall, wiping off my lips with some toilet paper. I felt a cool sheen of sweat over my forehead. I didn't know how I would be able to get through this. How could they expect me to just sit here and wait to hear about their injuries or, even worse, death? How could they expect me to ever talk to them again if they hurt someone I loved?

I rose on shaky legs and flushed the toilet. I washed my face and rinsed the inside of my mouth with cold water. Then I cupped some water and drank it to cool my burning throat. I looked up, and the face staring at me form the mirror was completely different than the image I had seen hours earlier. My skin was paler than normal and drawn taught with stress. My eyes were sunken and dull. If I went downstairs looking like this I certainly wouldn't have any problems with the boys.

I rummaged under the sink and found some cleaning supplies. I cleaned the toilet to make sure there was no evidence of my episode. The last thing I wanted was for Mrs. Newton to find something and assume that one of the kids from the party had snuck up here and gotten sick. I knew she would assume the worst about the reason for anyone getting sick, and Mike would be in trouble. I could not and would not do that to him.

When I was done I left the bathroom and curled up on the sofa, hugging a throw pillow. I thought about Jake and Jasper again. In one on one combat I had to believe Jasper would win. He had decades of fighting experience and an ability to manipulate Jake's emotions, while Jake was still a young werewolf who had never fought a vampire. I knew Jake had instincts to guide him and all the tribal knowledge passed on from generation to generation, but I couldn't imagine it would be enough to overcome Jasper's advantages. In a way this thought gave me some comfort. I knew Jasper had more self-control and he could, if he chose, protect himself while, at the same time, refraining from unnecessarily hurting Jacob. He was also far more attuned to my feelings, and would know how much Jake's pain would hurt me.

Still, he was the one who issued the challenge earlier tonight, even while I was there, and he was the one who all but invited Jake to go back to the forest. He had laid the trap, knowing that the young, impulsive wolf would take the bait. Even if both of them made it through this night with minimal injuries, I could never forgive him for this, for knowingly and needlessly setting up a situation that caused me so much stress and worry.

And Jake, how could he do this to me knowing what caused the rift between me and Jasper? How could he pretend to walk away and bring me back to the party only to sneak off to finish what he started after making sure that his pack goons would keep me from doing anything to stop him? After Jake and Jasper, would I ever be able to trust a man again? Why was I the one who always had to trust, while they did whatever suited them best without any regard to me?

My anger was starting to take over, until an image of a broken and bloody body of a russet wolf flashed in my mind, and then the fear took over again. The picture of the wolf was replaced by thoughts of torn pieces of vampire flesh being thrown into a fire. I sat cross legged on the sofa with the pillow tucked into my stomach, rocking back and forth like a little child. _How could they do this to me? How could they do this?_

I heard the French doors open again and looked up to see Mike coming back inside.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked. "I would have thought you'd be back down already."

He noticed I was hugging the pillow and his face creased with concern.

I smiled at him weakly. I looked at my watch and realized I must have been up here alone for over an hour. "Sorry. I've just been here thinking."

"Should I leave you alone?"

"No. I should come back down. I just lost track of time."

"Okay, well, Jared seemed to think that you'd want to know that Jake is back?"

My head snapped up in attention. Jake was back and we were sitting here chatting?

"Have you seen him?" I asked anxiously. Mike shook his head.

I sprang from the sofa and headed for the door. Why hadn't Jake himself told Mike that he was back? Was he injured? My heart thundered in my chest as we headed downstairs. I spotted Jared on the deck and ran up to him.

"Where is he? Is he all right?"

"Relax, Bella. He's fine. He's just down there with Paul." He shifted his head down towards the back yard.

I ran down the stairs, with Jared following. Upon hearing my approach Jake interrupted his conversation and turned towards me. I examined him carefully. He seemed to be in one piece, his clothing undisturbed. Then again, he would have taken that off before he phased.

He opened his arms. I hesitated, then stepped in and hugged him tightly.

"Are you all right?" I asked anxiously. My hands roamed his back and arms to feel for any wounds or sore spots, but I found none and didn't get any painful reactions from Jake.

"I'm fine," he said quietly, "So is he. Nothing happened, Bella. We just talked."

I leaned back to look at him. Was he kidding? They just talked? Relief swept through me, instantly followed by fury. I balled my hands into fists and started pummeling them against his chest.

"Jacob Black, don't you ever do anything like that to me again. Can you imagine what I've been thinking this entire time? How worried I've been? How could you? How could you?"

I was sobbing now, tears flowing freely, fists connecting repeatedly with his hard chest. He lifted his hand and grabbed both of my fists in it, holding tight.

"Bella, honey, stop! I get it, okay? I get it. But you're hurting yourself more than you're hurting me."

With him holding my hands immobile, I lost an outlet for my rage and frustration, and my sobbing became deeper and louder. Jake pulled me closer to his chest with his free arm, muffling the sound of my cries.

"Bella, come on. It's all right. Everything's fine."

I struggled to get out of his grasp until he finally let me go. I took a few steps back away from him.

"No, Jake, everything is not fine. What you did tonight was not fine. What you had them do," I said pointing to Paul and Jared, who were looking at me in alarm, "was not fine. You may be the leader of the pack and can order everyone around, but I'm not in the pack. You had no right to tell them to hold me back. And you may think you're my brother, but you're not. And you're not my father, either. And I'm sick of you telling me what I should and shouldn't do."

"Bella, calm down, please. You're overreacting."

Something in me snapped completely. _How dared he patronize me? How dare he tell me to calm down after what he had just subjected me to? _

"Really, Jake? You think I'm overreacting? You have no idea! How is this for an overreaction? I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want to have anything to do with you or your pack. I'm sick of your distractions and I'm sick of you doing whatever you want without any regard for my wishes. You're no better than he is. You lead me to believe you're going to do one thing and then do whatever you want as soon as my back is turned. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of everyone having all these expectations for me and not meeting any of mine. You told me not to hang around with selfish cowards and guess what? I'm taking your advice. It's over. Don't call me, don't visit me and don't expect to see me in La Push. I've had enough. You and I are done the same way he and I are done."

I took a great deal of satisfaction from the look of shock on his face and on the faces of Paul and Jared. I turned on my heel and started towards the deck stairs. Mike was standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching the scene unfold. He looked as livid as I felt.

"Bells, wait," I heard Jake and felt him run up behind me and grab my wrist. "Stop. You don't mean that."

"I meant every word, Jake," I said as I tried to free my wrist from his hand.

"I think you'd better let her go," Mike's voice was icy as he moved off the stairs towards us. "I don't know what's going on here, but Bella's made her feelings clear. And she told me about the stunt your buddy Quil pulled earlier, too. I don't know what they teach you all at La Push, but here in Forks we treat women with respect. Now, this is your victory party, and I don't want to have to ask you to leave, so just let go of her and make sure that you and your friends stay away from Bella for the rest of the night."

"Mike, you really don't want to get involved here," Jake said. "You don't know the situation."

"I know enough. I know that Bella said she doesn't want to be around you and until she says differently this is my house and her wishes will be respected. If you have a problem with that, you may want to consider leaving. Now, Let. Her. Go." Mike spoke quietly but powerfully, each of his last words punctuated with a step bringing him closer and closer to me and Jake.

We both looked at Mike in shock, neither of us expecting this strong of a reaction. Mike's fury was fueling an unreasonable amount of courage. Under normal circumstance he would have realized that he was no match for Jake physically in a fight, but clearly his outrage on my behalf made Mike feel invincible.

"Jake, he's right. Let her go." Paul said behind us. My hand fell to my side as Jake released his hold. Relieved, I quickly walked towards Mike, who pulled me to him.

"Are you hurt?" he asked me quietly. I shook my head.

"I'm all right, Mike. Just really pissed." I looked behind Mike to the deck, where several people had made their way outside and were watching us curiously. One of them was Jessica Stanley. I groaned.

"What is it?" Mike asked, alarmed.

"We have an audience," I whispered.

Mike turned his head slowly to look at the deck He uttered a muffled curse.

"We have to smooth this over or else this confrontation will be the talk of the school all week." He whispered after turning his head back to me.

"I know." I said into his chest. "Why don't you pretend to make nice with Jake?"

"Because it might just kill me," he explained. "I don't trust myself to be any closer to him than I am right now. If I was, I just might deck him, and I'm afraid that would turn out worse for me than for him."

I looked up at him and met his eyes, which held a hint of amusement.

"Glad you finally cooled off enough to see reason," I teased. "I was worried there for a while."

"Yeah, well, there's just something about seeing you in distress. It brings out my animal instincts."

I laughed. It was like he knew Jasper's theory! I stood up on tiptoe and kissed his cheek.

"Thank you. It wasn't necessary tonight, but I do appreciate your willingness to risk life and limb to protect me."

I did appreciate his gallantry and I wished there was something I could do for him in return. Then suddenly I knew the perfect way to repay him and to simultaneously distract all the onlookers from the argument they had witnessed between him and Jake.

"Oh my God, Mike, yes," I said loudly enough for everyone to hear. "I don't want to see anyone else either, just you!"

He looked startled for a second, before comprehension hit his face. He whooped, wrapping both of his arms around me and swinging me in a circle before setting me back down.

"All right," he said loudly. "Wait right here."

He set me down, then, with a slight frown, picked me up again and carried me to the staircase before setting me down once more. He ran up the stairs all the way to the upper level before disappearing into the house.

Jake took a few steps closer to me. Quietly enough so that none of the onlookers could hear, he asked, "Bella, what's going on?"

"Isn't it obvious, Jake?" I replied loudly. "Mike asked me to be his steady girlfriend and I just agreed."

Jake scrunched up his face in confusion. "But I thought . . ."

"Well, as with everything else tonight, you were wrong."

I heard Mike bounding back down the stairs. "I thought I told you to leave my girlfriend alone," he growled when he saw where Jacob was standing. Surprisingly, Jake actually moved a few steps back.

"Here, Bella, let's make this official," Mike said to me as he pulled something out of his pocket. I quickly realized it was his class ring, suspended from a chain sturdy enough to handle the ring's weight. Mike undid the clasp and placed the chain around my neck before re-fastening the closure. I looked up and saw Jessica make her way back inside. I smiled, knowing that in no time at all the entire school and town would know that Mike and I were officially off the "singles" market. When I glanced back at Mike, he gave me a satisfied smile.

"Good job," he murmured. "And you said you weren't much of an actress."

**

* * *

**

The title to this chapter comes form an old Gatorade commercial featuring Michael Jordan. I know it's not a real song, but it just seemed perfect for this chapter. Another song I played while writing this chapter was _Jacob's Ladder _by Chumbawamba. There's a link to both in my profile.

**As always, I'd love to know what you thought of the chapter. The next one will hopefully still be posted Tuesday. **


	48. Chapter 48: Sometimes Your Best Won't do

**Golden Moon **has been nominated for **The Venom Award - Best Non-Canon Couple **at **The Sparkle Awards.** Also, tonight (June 1, 2009) is the last night to cast your vote for **Golden Moon** for **Best Non-Canon Couple** or for me for **Best Author** at **The Cullen Clan Awards**. If you'd like to vote for this story (or any of the other nominees) please follow the links posted in my profile. And thanks!

**And now, hold on tight as we whip around another hairpin turn in the road.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 48: Sometimes Your Best Won't Do

"Wanna go back inside?" Mike asked. I nodded. He put his arm around me and we walked up the stairs and into the rec room together. None of the wolves followed. As soon as we were inside I could see that the news was already spreading like wildfire. I caught Angela's eye and her hurt expression. I knew she was wondering why I hadn't told her anything about Mike. I sent her an apologetic glance. I would have to talk to him about that and get him to approve letting Angela in on our secret. I couldn't live with the guilt otherwise.

Of course, Mike and I couldn't exactly go upstairs now for a private conversation without giving everyone the wrong idea, so I had to think of another plan.

"Mike, I'm really tired," I said, my voice louder than necessary. I yawned to illustrate my statement. "I may be too tired to drive myself home. Can you give me a lift? I can come back tomorrow morning with my dad to pick up my truck."

He gave me a curious look, but went along with the set-up.

"Sure, Bella. No problem. Sorry everyone," he said to the group, "My girl here's tired, so I'm gonna run her home. Have a great time in my absence. Ben, you're in charge. I'll be back in a few."

We walked out to his garage and got into the Suburban.

"So what's really going on?" Mike asked once we were on the way to my house.

"I want to tell Angela about us, about this set up."

Mike frowned.

"I can't keep her in the dark. She is my best friend. And trust me, she can keep a secret!"

"All right, when you put it like that I guess I can't object. Besides, Angela's good people."

"I'm so glad you recognize that. And letting her know will make our lives so much more pleasant. "

We were silent for the rest of the way until Mike pulled into my driveway. He turned to me before we could get out.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." I said.

"So, don't take this the wrong way, because I am obviously thrilled, but why did you say yes? To going steady, I mean."

I shrugged.

"First, because I trust you. You've always been totally up front with me and I know exactly what to expect from you. So when you shared your reasons with me tonight, I believed you. And the exclusive dating thing made sense. For both of us.

"And also because in the last few weeks I've been a mess and a lot of people have made demands on me that I could not meet, or they tried to control my life, and you never did any of that. You were just there for me. You never made me feel like I owed you anything, even though you've been giving me an awful lot of your time and patience lately. It's all been one sided and unconditional on your part, and I guess this is my way of reciprocating."

"Bella, you don't have to recip . . ."

"I know I don't. That's the whole point. I know I don't have to. I'm doing it because I want to. And because I really think it will be good for us both." I leaned over and gave him a hug. "You're a great guy, Mike."

"You're something special too, Bella." He reached up to tuck a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"Well," I said "I'd better go in and you'd better go back to the party before people start wondering what we're doing. We don't need to encourage those kinds of rumors."

"No, definitely not, especially with your dad being the chief of police," Mike said as we both got out of the Suburban and walked to the front door of my house. I unlocked the door and turned back to give him one last hug.

"Thanks again for tonight. You were . . . impressive!" I giggled and he smiled.

"That impressed you, huh?" he stepped back and ran his hands up and down my arms. "Well, let me tell you, what you did tonight? That was really amazing!" he said, his voice low. "I can't wait to see more of what that Bella has in store for us. See you real soon, all right?"

"Yes." I said, "See you soon." I opened the door and walked in, closing and locking it behind me. I heard Mike walk away and pull out of the driveway.

"Bella?" Charlie yelled from his room.

"Hi, Dad. I was feeling tired so Mike gave me a lift home. We'll have to pick up the truck at his house tomorrow, okay?"

"Sure, Bells, no problem. Good night."

"Good night, Dad."

I went up to my room and completed my evening routine, but I didn't change for bed. I was much too keyed up to sleep. Instead, I sat on the edge of my bed thinking about everything that had happened tonight. It was all so bizarre. First the flirty guys at the party, then the totally out of left field kiss from Quil, then Jasper and the wolves, then Jake heading off to confront Jasper, then Mike and his strangely right suggestion to pose as a couple to avoid the unwanted attention of others, then my fight with Jake and, finally, my very public announcement of my faux steady relationship with Mike. Was it possible for all of that to really happen within the span of just a few hours?

And what about Jasper's role in all of this? Jake said they had just talked and Jasper was all right, but could I believe him? Would he have told me the truth? He deceived me once tonight by making me believe he was coming back to the party with me before sneaking away to see Jasper. If he could lie about that, why not about what happened with Jasper? The way the two of them left things off while I was still there certainly did not lend itself to a resolution through civil discourse.

I shook my head. No matter what was happening between us, I couldn't stand not knowing whether Jasper was all right. I took the cell phone out of the bag and nearly pressed the 1 key, before realizing that this would be pointless. Jasper would know that I was calling out of worry for him, and even if he was hurt he would try to cover it up on the phone. The only way to find out for sure would be to see him in person.

My decision made, I had to wait over half an hour before Charlie's snores got regular enough to assure me that I could sneak downstairs and out the back door. I didn't have my truck, but even if it had been here, it would have been too loud to use. No, for this plan to work I would have to walk to Jasper's house. Of course if, as I hoped, he really was all right, the walk would probably be much shorter.

"Bella," he appeared out of nowhere as soon as I made it through the first line of trees. "Where are you going? You should be at home, where it's safe." His voice was stern. Too stern.

I turned to look at him and evaluated his appearance. Much like Jake, he looked perfectly fine. He was wearing the same clothes as earlier with nary a button missing. I was almost giddy with relief. However, also as with Jake, the relief was soon replaced by anger.

"I knew it," I said bitterly. "I knew that if you were all right you'd be out here stalking me."

"Don't be foolish, Bella. I'm only here for your protection. It's not safe for you to . . ."

"You know very well that Laurent is long gone and there are no other vampires around. I don't need protection anymore. I deserve some privacy."

"I think we saw tonight that you are still very much in need of protection. And as for privacy," he nearly spat out the word, "what do you need privacy for, Bella? So you and Newton can grope each other in his Suburban?" He grabbed Mike's ring, which was still hanging on the chain around my neck. "So you can run off in the middle of the night to meet up with him and show him what else 'amazing Bella' has in store for him?"

I gasped with mortification. I could feel my face turning crimson from a combination of embarrassment and fury.

"I see your eavesdropping skills are as perfect as ever." I hissed. "Is that what you think I'm doing?" I snatched the ring back and slipped it under my shirt. "And what if it is? What would it matter? If you really cared about me, if you really wanted to be with me, you would have gone to see Alice and set things right so we could be together. Instead you just hover here, like an invisible ghost, except on nights like this, when you appear and terrorize people I care about." I was seething.

"You'd love to have your cake and eat it too, wouldn't you? Be with me but never quite close the door on your relationship with Alice, just in case you ever did find it more appealing to go back to her?" I knew I was being deliberately cruel, but I wanted to hurt him just as badly as his accusations about Mike had hurt me. "At least when Edward figured out he didn't want me enough, he really left me. He didn't string me along or hang around as a constant reminder of what I had lost."

I felt his pain. He lost control and couldn't keep it from me. It hit me like an avalanche and, when combined with my own, knocked me off my feet. I slid to my knees, and bent over to rest my face on my legs, my arms curling protectively around my head. The emotional onslaught triggered a physical reaction. I felt as if all of my nerve endings had been rubbed raw with sandpaper. Everything hurt.

"Bella," I heard him cry and lower himself next to me. I felt his cool hand on my back.

"Don't touch me," I moaned, and his hand retreated.

"You know it's not true. You know why I haven't gone back and you know why I'm still here." I didn't answer.

"I don't understand," he continued. "Why are you doing this? Why Mike? You don't love him."

I moved my hands to the ground and shifted my head slightly so I could look up at him. His expression mirrored my pain and I knew he was suffering as much as I was.

"No," I said quietly. "I still love you, Jasper. But Mike knows that I don't love him and he's all right with that. He doesn't expect more from me than I'm able to give. And he keeps his word." _Of course, he's only able to do that now that he realized we shouldn't be together as boyfriend and girlfriend, but no one other than Angela needs to know._

Jasper didn't respond. It was my turn to ask questions.

"Why did you do what you did tonight, Jasper? Why did you attack Quil? Why did you provoke Jake? And what happened between the two of you?"

"I won't apologize for what happened with Quil. I know you think it was all innocent, but I felt his lustful emotions and I just wasn't certain he would have been able to stop. I had to step in to protect you. If Black had been there instead of me, he would have done the same thing. He told me so tonight."

I shuddered. I imagined Jake might have actually done more damage than Jasper did if he had caught Quil with me.

"As for provoking Jacob," he continued, "It was by no means one-sided on my part. He wanted that confrontation as much as I did."

"So that excuses it? The fact that you both were trying to scratch some macho itch was sufficient to put me through hours of misery as I feared that one or both of you might be seriously hurt or dead?"

He looked away.

"No. There is no excuse for doing what we did tonight. You didn't have to be aware of it. You're right. It was selfish. We should have realized how you'd feel."

"Great! Not, 'we shouldn't be confronting each other at all,' but 'we should have waited until you were ignorant.' I suppose that does make it marginally better for me. I suppose it would be better for me to think that one of you got hurt or killed accidentally instead of in a confrontation with someone else I happen to deeply care about. Assuming, of course, that the one of you who did the hurting would be able to keep lying to me about it for the rest of his life. And that would just be a fantastic relationship for me, right? Trusting and caring for someone who could injure other people I care about and lie to me about it? Sure, that's the perfect solution! I'm so glad you thought of it."

"Bella . . ."

"Wait," I didn't let him finish. "Before we go back to that subject, what did happen between you and Jake tonight? I heard his version. Now I want to hear yours."

Jasper exhaled audibly, then took a deep breath.

"By the time he came back we had both calmed down significantly. He never even phased. He just came to tell me some things about you and how you felt; about how difficult this has been for you, with me still around; about how my being here was hurting you. I didn't want to hear it or believe it, but I felt his love for you and I felt his honesty. Right or wrong, he believed what he was saying and he was doing it to protect you. I can't fault him for that. He wasn't angry anymore, at least not at me. Like I said, he understood about Quil. He and the others got upset when I grabbed you. He doesn't trust me like you do. He still thinks there is a chance I could hurt you. Maybe he's right?" Jasper buried his face in his hands.

"Not about that," I whispered. "You would never hurt me physically. I do have complete faith in that."

He looked at me with desperation, seeking something in my face. His eyes locked on mine and instantly drew me in. Once again I felt the connection that was always there between us. I swallowed hard and saw him do the same. Almost as if someone had attached an invisible string to the center of my chest, I felt myself shifting forward as my butt lifted off my heels and my body moved forward to a more upright kneeling position. I saw Jasper do the same, and we were only inches apart now. I could feel the coolness of his body, smell the spiciness of his breath. I was trembling with fear and anticipation, wanting physical contact but knowing the price I would have to pay for giving in to my desires was much too high.

I felt his left hand on my cheek, his thumb stroking my skin. I leaned my face into his hand, seeking more contact, like a desert wanderer stumbling into an oasis. My mind screamed for me to stop, to back away, warning me of danger. My body ignored all such commands. I turned my head a fraction more until my lips came into contact with the flesh of his palm in a soft kiss. His breath caught and my eyes closed. I felt him leaning closer in, but with my eyes closed I could think more clearly, and I was able to shift back, moving my face out of his hold and my body back to a sitting position. Still without opening my eyes, I felt his upper body stop, and then retreat. The moment was over.

"You said he wasn't right about me being a physical danger to you, but was he right about the rest? Is my being here hurting you, Bella?" Jasper asked. I opened my eyes again. He was no longer looking at me, but focusing on something behind me.

"Not exactly. I'm hurting because I still love you, because I can't stop thinking about you. I'm not sure I could stop that even if you were gone. But I know I won't be able to as long as I know that you're here and you haven't moved on."

"Bella, whether I'm here in Forks or elsewhere, I'm not moving on. I will wait for you until the end of time if that's what it takes."

"Stop!" I shook my head violently form side to side, trying to keep out his words. "We can't continue to talk about this round and round in a circle. We both know what we have is amazing, wonderful and completely life altering. And we both know it's not enough. I can't give you the trust you need and I need the closure between you and Alice that you can never give me. We tried our best, but it wasn't good enough. There's no point in waiting for something that can never be.

"You asked if your staying in Forks caused me pain, and tonight, for the first time, I realized that the heartache I feel about not being able to be with you is nothing compared to the other kind of pain your being here could cause. The man I love and my best friend, my almost brother, are mortal enemies. At any moment you could be engaged in life or death combat. If you stay here, that knowledge alone might kill me. How can I live knowing that at any given point and time you two might be hurting or killing each other? The horrible thoughts that went through my head tonight while Jake was gone will be there every day if you stay here. I will be worried about you and him, or you and one of the other wolves. They're all like family to me now, and I can't stand the thought of any of them hurt. Or you. So, if for no other reason, you need to leave to keep all of you safe from each other."

He looked like he was going to argue, but then looked down to the ground. "All right," he said. "I'll go."

I sank deeper into my heels, the finality of his words sliding across me like an extra weight. This was what I wanted, what I asked for. And yet knowing that it was actually going to happen sent a spasm of agony through me. Jasper looked up sharply. I met his searching gaze and shook my head.

"It has to happen," I said. "It will be painful, but it has to happen."

He lowered his gaze again, resigned. "I'll leave tonight."

"Where will you go?" I had no right to ask, but the words were past my lips before I could stop them.

"I don't know."

"I . . ." I wasn't sure if I could force myself to say this, but I had to try. "I think you should consider meeting with the Cullens somewhere. Not with Alice, if you don't want, though you know I think you should do that too, but you should resolve things with the rest of them, let them know what happened. I'm sure they would like to hear your side of the story."

He shook his head. "I don't know," he said again. His voice lacked all emotion.

"You should see Alice too," I added quietly. "If you did and came back . . ." I allowed that tiny undying spark of hope to permeate my voice.

He looked at me with empty eyes and I knew the hope would never be fulfilled.

He stood and helped me stand as well. I shifted in place, my legs stiff from being locked for a prolonged period of time in the same position.

"You know how to reach me if you ever need me," he said. "Please, Bella, if you're ever in any danger or if you need anything, promise me you'll call."

I looked away. He grabbed my upper arms tightly and shook me a little, forcing me to look at him in surprise.

"Promise me!" he demanded.

"I promise if I'm in danger or in need and am able to call you, I will." I whispered. He let me go, only to pull me into a tight embrace. I heard him take several deep breaths.

"I will always love you, Bella, and I will always be there for you." he said before releasing me.

"Where were you going to meet Mike?" he asked me awkwardly.

"Huh?" I was confused. Then I realized I never corrected his misconception that I snuck out of the house to see my new steady boyfriend. Had the situation not been as painful, I might have laughed.

"Jasper, I wasn't sneaking out to see Mike. I was coming to see you. I had to make sure that you were okay, to see for myself, and to tell you how angry I was about earlier. I already had it out earlier this evening with Jake, but I had to see you too. I couldn't take my truck because I left it at Mike's. Besides, it would have been too loud."

"So you couldn't just call me and asked me to come over?" He was incredulous. "After knowing about all the potential dangers lurking in the forest . . ."

"I know. It wasn't the best plan I ever came up with. But I was afraid if I called you, you would try to stop me or find an excuse not to come, especially if Jake had lied and you were actually hurt. And given what happened tonight I figured if you were okay you wouldn't be too far away and I wouldn't have to actually walk all the way to your house."

Jasper ran his hand through his hair.

"Bella, how can you possibly expect me to leave if you behave so irrationally and without any regard for your personal safety? Even ignoring the supernatural, the forest is dangerous. There are wild animals and your own natural magnet for injuries. Honestly, I don't know what you were thinking!"

Of course, I hadn't been thinking. Blinded by my need to see him I simply hadn't considered the potential consequences of my actions. If my assumption had been wrong, the hike to his home would have taken me more than half the night, assuming I didn't get lost or injured. It had been a stupid plan. I would have to be more careful and rational in the future.

"It was dumb," I admitted. "I'm sorry. I promise once you're gone I will have no reason to ever go into the forest alone. And I'll generally be more careful. I swear."

Jasper was only slightly mollified. "I'll make sure Black knows he needs to keep a close watch on you." he said.

"No!" I objected. "As of tonight I told Jake I want nothing to do with him and the wolves. It's all over, Jasper. My association with the supernatural ends tonight. From now on there will be no more vampires or werewolves in my life. I will spend the rest of my time in Forks exclusively in my human world, until it's time for me to go away to school. It's the way my life should have been all along."

Jasper flinched, but didn't answer. We turned and started walking back towards my house.

"Don't forget your promise," he reminded me as we reached the edge of the woods. From here on I would walk back alone.

"I won't." I turned to him one last time. He grabbed my hand in his.

"Goodbye, Jasper. Please try to be happy."

"You too, Darlin'." he said. "Farewell, my love."

I couldn't bear any more. I pulled out my hand, turned around and started walking home. I suspected he stood rooted to the spot I left him in, but no matter how much I longed to do it, I couldn't let myself look back. I entered the house quietly through the back door, tiptoed up to my room, changed for bed and slipped under the covers. Once in bed I finally allowed the emptiness to wash over me until I felt nothing at all and I fell into a dreamless sleep.

**

* * *

**

**The title of this chapter comes from a line in the song _Sometimes Your Best Isn't Good Enough_ by the Churchills. ****You'll find the link in my profile.**

**Yes, he's really leaving. Yes, I know it's hard. Yes, it has to happen like this. Yes, there will be more twists and turns. Yes, with 5 chapters to go, anything can still happen. And yes, I still appreciate all reviews.**


	49. Chapter 49: Stalked in the Forest

Golden Moon has won in the category "**Best Non-Canon Couple"** at the Cullen Clan Awards. Thank you so much to everyone who voted. I am beyond excited!

**Now, back to the story. Did you make the mistake of thinking you could stop to take a breath after the last chapter? Make it a quick one, 'cause we're still speeding ahead and the next curve is coming up!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 49: Stalked in the Forest

Sunday morning Charlie took me to the Newtons' house to pick up my truck. I explained to him that Jake and I had a disagreement and that I really didn't want to go to La Push with him for Sunday brunch. Instead, when we got back home, I made mountains and mountains of pancakes that the guys could easily re-heat via microwave, and packed them up for Charlie to take with him for Jake and Billy. Charlie tried to press me for details of my argument with Jake, but I resisted and he finally let it go.

"I just hope you kids work it out soon," he said gruffly. "I don't want to have to deal with any awkwardness with Billy."

"There doesn't have to be any awkwardness," I said, "Jake's getting more and more busy and so am I. We probably wouldn't have much time to spend together anyway. Plus, now that the game and the party are done, I'll be hanging around more with Mike," I thought I might as well get Charlie ready. The rumors were bound to reach him soon anyway.

"Oh? Something finally happening there?" he asked, suddenly more alert.

"Um, yeah. Kind of," I cringed internally. There was no way to explain how Mike and I went from pure friends to a steady relationship.

"Kind of, Kid? Care to elaborate?"

"Well, we kind of decided last night not to see other people. He gave me his class ring."

"Whoa! Back in my day that was serious stuff. What's going on, Bella? I didn't realize you two were seeing each other at all. You kept jumping down my throat every time I asked you about him and insisting that he was just a friend."

"Well, at the time you made those comments, we were just friends. But over the last few weeks things started to change. I guess I realized what a good guy he is and how much I enjoy spending time with him."

"What about Jake? Is that what you guys are fighting about? You've been spending an awful lot of time with him for someone who's dating another guy."

"No, Dad," I rolled my eyes. "It was never like that between Jake and me. We were never more than friends."

"Right," Charlie didn't look convinced but, again, did not push it. "Well, I suppose if you want to invite Mike for dinner some night, that would be okay."

I smiled. This was the equivalent of Charlie making a huge effort, and I really appreciated it. "Thanks, Dad. Maybe I will."

So began my life without vampires or werewolves. Jake tried calling several times throughout the week, but I didn't talk to him. When Charlie was home I simply refused to take the phone and when I was home alone I would let the calls go to the machine. There was just one time when I accidentally picked up the phone out of habit, but as soon as I heard his voice I asked him to stop calling and hung up. I realized I was being somewhat petty, but now that I had driven Jasper from his home, I couldn't justify spending time with Jake and the rest of the pack. The only way I could live with what I had done was to treat both sides of the supernatural divide exactly the same.

Tuesday of the following week Quil came by to apologize. Respecting my wishes to stay away from the pack, Emily drove him to my house. Initially she stayed in the car, giving Quil and me some privacy. I made it as easy for Quil as I could, explaining that I had no hard feelings and that Jasper had misunderstood the situation. I even apologized for the injuries he suffered.

"Oh, Bella, it's all right. I seem to be healing pretty well and I had it coming anyway. I should have known better. I feel like a complete idiot. I heard you and Mike were going together now, but I swear I had no idea at the party, else I would have never tried to . . . well, you know. I just don't get how he could have watched all those guys drooling over you and not done anything."

"Yeah, well, Mike's note really that possessive, you know. He would have stepped in if any of the guys got out of line, though." I was amused at the fact that I had to defend my faux boyfriend against an attack on his masculinity. The truth is, if Mike and I were really going out, I was sure he would have been just as possessive as Jasper. But there was no way to explain that to Quil.

"So I heard you decided not to come out to La Push anymore. That's not because of me, is it?"

"No, Quil. It has nothing to do with you and don't let anyone tell you different. It's strictly between Jake and me. And it's better that way, anyway. I'm a senior, you know, and I have a lot of stuff going on right now."

"Yeah, sure. We miss you, though. You could still come out every once in a while. You could even bring Mike."

"We'll see, okay, Quil?"

He let it go and went back to the car. I expected them to leave, but Emily got out of the car and came walking towards me.

"Can we talk for a minute, Bella?" she asked.

"Sure," I said, though I was far from certain this was a good idea. I opened the door and she came into the house. We both sat on the sofa.

"Would you consider talking to Jake, Bella?" Emily asked. No beating around the bush for her. "He's been absolutely miserable and he's making the whole pack miserable by extension, since they can't get away from his thoughts. Sam told me what happened and we all understand how you feel and why you did what you did, but Jake was only trying to protect you. If Sam had been there, he might have been able to coach Jake better and stop the whole fiasco before it started, but Jake is the Alpha now, so he gets to make the decisions. Unfortunately, he still needs to mature, so sometimes his decisions are not as wise as they could be. But Bella, you know him, he would never do anything to deliberately hurt you."

I sighed. I knew Emily was right. Jake wasn't trying to hurt me. But this did not change the fact that he acted in the most hurtful way possible when he tricked me at the party.

"I made Jasper leave." I said quietly, as though that explained it all. Amazingly, Emily understood.

"I know," she said as she put her arm around my shoulders. "And I can only imagine how painful that must have been for you. I also know how terrified you would have been if he had stayed. I know it's not exactly the same, but I go through a similar fear every time Sam runs patrol. Only unlike you, I can't do anything about it. I can't remove him from a dangerous situation."

I leaned into her body heavily and closed my eyes. I was glad that I didn't have to worry about Jasper being injured by the wolves, but it didn't make me feel any better.

"Do you want to talk about it, Bella? I know the only person you've been able to talk to about him has been Jake and he . . . well, he wants the best for you, but he has a specific point of reference. And he's never been in love before."

The ache spread out from my heart throughout the rest of my body and tears pushed against my eyelids.

"I love Jasper so much, Emily. He is so perfect for me. I feel so empty without him." Suddenly I needed to do more than tell her. I pulled away from her and got up. "I'll be right back," I said as I headed up to my room. I dug out the sketch and brought it downstairs, unrolling it to show her. She studied it carefully, looking back and forth from me to the sketch.

"I met you after you had already left him." It wasn't a question. I figured Sam had told her.

"You're not the same as the girl in this picture, Bella. There is something missing from your eyes. It's never been there the whole time I've known you. Even when I've seen you happy it never reaches your eyes. When I look into your eyes I can see that your soul is hollow, like a part of you is missing.

I nodded. "When I first saw you and Sam, you reminded me so much of this sketch. When you're together you look so in love – it's as if you were the only two people on earth."

"What happened, Bella? You had that love too. I can see it in this sketch. Why did you let it go?"

I looked at her, surprised. How could she ask that question knowing what he was?

"His being a vampire isn't a good enough reason for you?"

She laughed sadly. "Bella, I'm in love with a man who shifts into a wolf. A man created to fight vampires. A man who is designed to protect people, but who can be very dangerous to us as well if he ever loses control. Who would know this better than me?"

Involuntarily, my eyes flew to her scars.

"Your vampire and the others in his family have worked very hard to avoid hurting humans. His being a vampire is not why you left him."

"No," I shook my head, then told her about Alice and her vision, and how Jasper refused to see her.

"Oh, honey," Emily said, "I see how he looks at you in this picture and believe me, he has no intention of going back to any other woman. It's the same look Sam has in his eyes when he looks at me. You have nothing to fear from her."

"But with you and Sam it's genetic. No offence, Emily, but imprinting lasts forever. You don't have to worry about losing his love. Jasper hasn't imprinted on me. Even if he feels this way about me now, he could change his mind in the future."

"What you say about imprinting is true, Bella, but you're underestimating the power of love. You haven't imprinted on Jasper, but do you think it is possible for you to ever stop feeling about him the way you do right now?"

I looked away. I couldn't imagine a time when I wouldn't love Jasper just as strongly as I did right now.

"But Alice's vision . . ." I said weakly.

". . . Could have been a fabrication of a woman desperately trying to hold on to someone she lost." Emily finished. "And even if it wasn't, you yourself said that it was not a certain outcome, that it could still be changed. And Jasper was trying to change the vision, wasn't he?"

I nodded.

"If Jake heard you talking like this, actually trying to convince me to go back to Jasper, he would never forgive you."

"Jake has more forgiveness in his heart than you think, Bella, and a huge capacity for understanding. He just doesn't have a lot of experience. Right now he sees everything in black and white – he needs to learn about shades of gray. Life is not as simple as werewolf versus vampire versus human. There are nuances to every relationship. When you find a true love you have to fight for it, not let these black and white concepts get in a way. If Jake ever saw this side of you, if he knew just how in love you were with Jasper and, even more importantly, how in love he was with you, he might change his mind. But he never will see it if you don't forgive him, Bella. Please, just hear out his apology the same way you heard out Quil today, and find it in yourself to give him another chance."

I considered Emily's words carefully. I knew she cared about Jacob and I appreciated how honest she was being about his shortcomings. I wondered if she was as right about his capacity to some day understand exactly how I felt about Jasper. I didn't have her certainty on that point. But that didn't matter. I had ruined things with Jasper and there was no way to fix them, so Jake's compassion and understanding would never be put to the test. In the meantime, I would continue on the path I chose, staying in the human world, and soon it would be time to leave Forks and the supernatural altogether. I had managed to part with Jasper without anger. I should do the same with Jake.

"All right," I agreed. "If he wants to come over here I will speak with him. But I won't go to La Push anymore, Emily, even if things get resolved between us. I just can't."

'It would feel like a betrayal of Jasper to hang out with the wolves?"

I nodded.

"It's only been a few days, Bella. You could ask Jasper to come back. I'm sure he would come back if he knew you were ready to trust in his love and in your future together."

I allowed myself to imagine the possibility, then remembered Jacob.

"Do you think Jake has magically developed some sort of understanding about human/vampire relations in the last few days that would allow him to accept the idea of Jasper back in town and together with me? If I asked Jasper back, I might as well forget the apology and pack my bags to leave Forks. Jake would never leave Jasper alone if he thought we were together. I would be the equivalent of me taking a hit out on Jasper."

Emily didn't say anything, but I could see her understanding and agreement reflected in her eyes.

"One step at a time, then," she said. "Patch things up with Jake and let him grow up a little, then find a way to bring Jasper back."

"If it's not too late by then," I sad softly.

"I can't imagine it will be. And you'll never know unless you try." She hugged me close and I responded in kind.

"Call me if you ever need to talk," she said. "I'm not a wolf and I can meet you in Forks."

I nodded. "Thank you so much, Emily. You'll tell Jake?"

"Of course," she affirmed. "And I wouldn't be surprised if you saw him later tonight."

Emily read people very well. Not even an hour later I heard a knock on the front door and knew it was Jacob. He looked absolutely terrible, as if he hadn't slept for days. I instantly felt guilty for having been so petty. I invited him in and closed the door, then enveloped him in a hug as best as I could as soon as the door was closed.

"Bella," he said, "I'm so sorry." His head hung to the ground and he hadn't made a move to respond to my hug the way he normally would. I sighed.

"Jake, let's sit," I pulled him to the sofa and we sat down next to each other. "What you did Saturday night really hurt me, and the way you trivialized my feelings when you came back hurt even more, so it took me a while to get over it, but I finally did, and I forgive you. I know you weren't trying to hurt me."

"I would never . . ." he said earnestly, looking up at me for he first time.

"I know. So it's all right. What's in the past is in the past. We're fine now, right?"

"So we'll go back to normal? You'll start coming out to La Push again the way you did before?"

I shook my head. "No, Jake. I can't do that. I can't choose werewolves over vampires. You wanted me to be human, and the only way I can truly do that is here, in Forks."

Jake looked like he was going to protest, but I kept speaking before he had a chance.

"You have been an amazing friend and a brother to me, and I love you, but I love Jasper too. I know you can't understand that or accept it, but I can't be with you and the pack knowing you'd kill him and his family if it wasn't for the treaty and if you had half a chance. I asked him to leave for his and your safety, but now that he was forced out of his home, I can't just go back to acting like nothing's changed. I need to be fair. I need to stop seeing you too."

"I don't want to lose you, Bells," Jake said.

"He didn't either. And I didn't want to lose either of you. But life's like that. It's not fair and it doesn't always give us what we want. Maybe, in the long run, this will be what's best for all of us. And maybe the ache will never go away. I don't know. But I do know that my life now has to be confined to the human world."

We talked for a while longer, Jake using all of his powers of persuasion to convince me that I didn't have to cut myself off from the pack, but my mind was made up and deep inside I knew I was doing the right thing. Eventually we said our goodbye and Jake went back home.

I was getting so tired of having to say goodbye to the important people in my life, I started to wonder if it wouldn't be worth it to say goodbye to everyone and just leave, start over on my own somewhere new, with no vampires, wolves, friends or family. Just me against the world. But I knew that my running away wouldn't really solve any problems, just hurt the people I cared about. So as attractive as the option sounded, I dismissed it almost as soon as I thought of it. I had made the choices in my life that led to the problems I faced, and I had to stay and deal with them.

The human aspect of my life was actually improving. My "relationship" with Mike was progressing well. It helped that we genuinely liked each other and had many things in common, so spending time with him was easy and comfortable. We filled both Angela and Ben in on our scheme, and they went along with it without protest, even "doubling" with us on occasion. Angela told me Ben suspected Mike was using this fake relationship as an excuse to be closer to me, in the hopes that this would eventually get me to fall in love with him, but if that was the case, then he was the master of subtlety. I saw no evidence of any feelings or expectations from him beyond friendship.

Mostly Mike and I hung out together the way any friends would. We did our homework together, read, watched movies and some TV. He even got me to play some videogames, and had me wishing that there was a pinball machine somewhere in Forks so I could share that pastime with him, though in the end I decided that pinball would have reminded me too much of Jasper. Surprisingly, the hardest part of the charade was handling our respective parents. Both Charlie and the Newtons approved of our "match" and it was difficult to keep lying to them, especially when they wanted to include our "significant other" in family activities. I was happy when Renee insisted I come out to Phoenix for Thanksgiving, so that I had a reason to decline Mrs. Newton's request that Charlie and I join the Newtons for the holiday meal. I knew Charlie would have much preferred hanging out with Billy and his other friends at La Push watching sports, anyway, and I wouldn't have been able to do that with him had I stayed in Forks.

I spent a bit more time exploring colleges and culinary schools, and found some programs that would allow me to study both culinary arts and restaurant management. I thought this combination of disciplines would be easier to sell to my parents, and it would provide a more versatile experience when it came to looking for work after school was done. My conversation with Ben's cousin was very helpful, though it also made me aware of the difficulties women faced in that profession. Still, I wasn't about to let sexism scare me away from doing something I really loved. The only real fear I had of culinary schools was trying to master knife skills. Even thinking about it reminded me of cooking with Jasper, and how reluctant he had been to let me hold a knife, much less use it. However, I was convinced with a lot of practice even someone as clumsy as me could be taught to properly handle these essential cooking implements.

Charlie pulled me out of school the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and took a day off work so he could drive me to Seattle for my flight to Phoenix. As usual, we didn't talk much during the drive to the airport. I had mixed feelings about going back. I was looking forward to seeing Renee and Phil and maybe some of my other friends, but I also remembered that the last time I was in Phoenix was when I had to be rescued from James. It was my first serious brush with potential immortality. It was also the first time I spent any time alone with Jasper. I remembered all the care he took to make me feel as calm and comfortable as possible, the way he tried to help me feel more self-confident and less guilty about placing all the Cullens in danger. Even then, before we were even friends, he was taking care of me and looking out for me. And I've repaid him time and time again by cowardly running away.

I thought back to my conversation with Emily. She was right. I shouldn't wait much longer. Jasper and I had been through too much together and I trusted him too much to lose him over a stupid vision that may never even come true. I made up my mind that when I returned to Forks I would talk to Jake and let him know that I would ask Jasper to come back. I would secure Jasper's safety and then I would beg him to forgive me for the pain I've put him through with my foolish insecurities. Maybe if I got really lucky he will have meant what he told me and would be willing to forgive me and come back.

At the airport Charlie hugged me, told me gruffly that he'd miss me, and reminded me that he'd pick me up at the airport Sunday. And then I was off to sunny Phoenix, when even in November the weather was nicer than on the sunniest summer day in Forks. Renee and Phil welcomed me warmly and we had a wonderful holiday weekend together. They regaled me with stories of their time on the road traveling with Phil's team, and at night we watched our favorite movies.

Renee and I went shopping together on Black Friday and I allowed her to buy me some of the girly clothes she was always trying to get me to wear. To her surprise, I didn't even protest when she insisted on purchasing a new set of slinky pajamas for me at Victoria's Secret, and I shocked her by expressing an interest in buying other items as well. We ate lunch at the mall food court, where in her typical unabashed fashion she grilled me about my new boyfriend, whom she assumed was the reason behind the sudden interest in clothes and lingerie. I blushed furiously as I tried to convince her that Mike and I were not at that stage of our relationship yet, but that it wouldn't hurt to plan ahead. I wished I had been able to tell her that Mike would never even see the receipts for these purchases, much less the clothes themselves, and that I was really buying these in the hopes of a reunion with Jasper. But that conversation would have to wait for another visit.

While I enjoyed my time in Phoenix and loved seeing Renee and Phil, I was glad when Sunday morning came and I boarded the plane for Seattle. In my mind I had gone over and over my conversation with Jake, prepared answers to all objections and outlined all my demands. I hoped he would be reasonable and issue an order not to harm Jasper based simply on the fact that I was in love with him and needed to be with him, but if he refused, I was prepared to play hardball and to threaten to leave Forks. It wouldn't be a bluff. As much as I loved Charlie, I needed to be with Jasper more, and if Forks proved to be too dangerous for him than I would have to leave. By the time the plane stopped at the jet-way in Seattle, I was ready to put my plan in action.

Coming out of the restricted airport area, I was surprised to see Ben instead of Charlie. I was instantly alarmed.

"What's going on, Ben? Is Charlie okay?"

Ben's grave face was not at all reassuring.

"Your father's fine, Bella. He couldn't come because he's organizing the search."

"The search? What search?"

Ben took my hand and led me to the seats. "You may want to sit down, Bella."

"What? What are you talking about, Ben? What's going on? Where's Angela?" I was getting slightly hysterical.

"Angela's fine. She's watching the twins. Please, won't you sit?"

I sat down, realizing that he wouldn't tell me anything unless I complied with his request.

"All right. I'm sitting. Now, please Ben, tell me what's going on. What search?"

"Bella, Mike's missing. He went out for a jog this morning and never came home. No one has seen or heard from him. He just vanished. The police can't do anything officially until he's been gone for 24 hours, but your dad mobilized a lot of people and they're doing informal searches. They're afraid he's been kidnapped, but so far there's been no ransom demand."

My hand flew to my mouth and my eyes were as wide as saucers. This couldn't be happening. There had to be a mistake. _This kind of stuff just didn't happen in Forks._ But I knew that was wrong. This kind of stuff happened everywhere, and worse. Kidnapping could very well be the best of all possible scenarios.

"Let's get your bags and go home. Maybe by the time we get there they'll have some good news."

I got lucky to have my bag be one of the first ones off the plane. We grabbed it and practically ran for Ben's car. We were both extremely tense and didn't talk much on the drive back. Periodically Ben would call Angela for an update, but her response was always the same – no news.

Ben dropped me off in front of my house. "The central location for all search activities is the parking lot at Newtons' store. I'm going over there now. Join us after you unpack, if you'd like."

"Thanks, Ben. I'll be there soon. And thanks for picking me up at the airport. That was really nice of you."

"No problem, Bella. I was glad to help. See you later."

I walked into the house and placed my luggage on the floor next to the door. I walked to the kitchen, intending to grab something to eat before heading to the Newtons' store to join in the search efforts. A blinking light on the answering machine distracted me and I veered off my path to listen to the message. I reasoned it would have been something important dealing with Mike or the search.

"Hello, Bella," I frowned at the eerily familiar deep voice on the machine, "I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to talk longer the last time I was in town," suddenly I recognized the voice and gasped in horror. There was no mistaking it – this was Laurent.

"I thought it was quite a shame" the recording continued, "and now I'm ready to remedy that situation. I know you are just coming back to town and will probably be very busy, so to give you a little incentive to contact me, I just want you to know I have some information about the friend who was with you the last time we saw each other. If you are interested in catching up please call . . ." I grabbed the pad and pencil and jotted down the number with a shaking hand. I sat down and stared straight ahead. Laurent had information about Mike? I broke out in a cold sweat and shivered. Without needing to talk to anyone I knew for certain Laurent had kidnapped Mike. Kidnapped or worse! Oh God! I sobbed. Even when I tried to be human I brought supernatural danger to everyone around me.

I looked at the number I had written on the piece of paper. I didn't want to call, but I knew I had no choice. If there was any way I could still help save Mike, I had to do it. I pushed the buttons slowly, dreading what awaited when the connection went through.

"Hello," his voice was deep and mellow.

"He . . . hello, Laurent," I stammered.

"Bella, how nice to hear from you. We've been anxiously awaiting your call."

"We?"

"Yes, Bella. I'm here with your friend, Mike, and also with someone else you might recall meeting last spring? My dear friend, Victoria."

"I remember Victoria," I whispered.

"Oh, she'll be so pleased. In fact, she would like to speak with you. Hold on for one moment."

"Hello, Bella," I heard Victoria's high, almost childlike voice. "It's so good to know I made an impression the last time we met. It's been much too long, but you see, I had to take some time to prepare for this meeting."

I knew she expected me to ask about her preparations, but my throat was so constricted with fear I knew I wouldn't be able to speak.

"Oh, come on, Bella, don't be dull! This is supposed to be a fun game for me and you're refusing to play nice. Well, no matter. There'll be plenty of time for me to really play when we see each other in person."

"There's no reason for us to see each other in person," I croaked out, earning a tinny laugh from Victoria.

"Oh, but you see, there is! How else am I going to get my revenge for your mate's murder of my James? You must see how imperative it is that I see you and make you suffer a very slow and painful death."

I gasped. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked weakly. "Why would I agree to see you knowing you plan to kill me?"

"Finally a good question, Bella! Maybe you're not as dumb as you looked last spring. But I have an answer for you. You will come to see me, because if you don't your little friend Mike will suffer the fate I intended for you. And then, if you still refuse to come, we'll move on to all your other friends and your dear Dad, one by one, and if we finally run out, then we'll come and get you anyway. You can run, Bella, but you can't hide. And the only way to avoid us hurting everyone you love is for you to come to us willingly."

I was trembling so violently I had to sit. I couldn't believe this was happening to me again.

"How do I know Mike is still alive? I want to speak with him," my voice shook as I spoke.

Victoria laughed again. "Don't you trust me, Bella? That's rather insulting! Lucky for you, I am feeling generous today. Here's your little friend."

"Bella," I heard Mike's voice. I nearly cried out in relief. He was still alive! Then I remembered the trick James played on me."

"Mike, listen to me, this is very important. What was the score of the basketball game with La Push?"

He told me the score, sounding very confused, but confirming that it was him on the phone, not some recording.

"What's going on Bella? Who are these people? Is this some sort of a joke, cause it's really not funny?"

I could hear Victoria's laughter in the background, indicating her disagreement with Mike's assessment. Oh, God! He still didn't understand, which means that they still hadn't hurt him. There was still time to save him.

"Yes, Mike. It's a joke. But you can't let on, okay? Just stay there and play along and wait for me. I'm coming to get you."

"How very touching, Bella." Victoria had clearly taken the phone away from Mike. "Hurry, dear, we're all waiting for you at Edward's home. Don't take too long and don't bother bringing anyone with you, unless you want to cause more people pain."

She terminated the connection and I replaced the phone in its cradle. So this was it. After cheating death so many times this year I have finally arrived at the end of the road. There was no escape. My best hope was that no one else would have to suffer with me.

I looked around the room. There was no way and no time to say goodbye to Charlie or Jake or any of my friends. If things worked out for the best I would have a chance to say goodbye to Mike, and that was the best I could expect. My glance fell on my bag and I remembered the cell phone, still charged, resting at its bottom. As if pulled by some invisible force, I got up, walked to the bag and took out the phone. I knew I shouldn't, but I had to call him. I had to hear his voice one more time and I had to keep my promise. I flipped open the phone and pressed 1.

"Bella?" he sounded as though he didn't quite believe it could have been me.

"Jasper," I whispered his name. As much as I wanted this, to hear his voice one last time and say a proper goodbye, it was still so hard.

"Bella, Darlin', what's wrong?" even from far away he could tell that I wasn't myself.

"It's nothing, Jasper. I just . . . I just wanted to tell you that I love you and that those weeks we had together were the most beautiful weeks of my life and I wouldn't trade them for anything. And also that I was a fool, and I realize that now. I should have never let Alice come between us. I should have trusted you. And if I could change things, I would.

"And I wanted to tell you that I want you to be happy, and to hear your voice and say goodbye."

"Goodbye?" he sounded panicked. "What are you talking about, Bella? Why are you saying goodbye?"

I hesitated. I shouldn't be telling him what was happening, but he was far away somewhere and he wouldn't be able to do anything, so it was safe to tell him. Plus I had promised him that I would call if I was in danger, and I really did not want to break that last promise. He would have hated it if I hadn't called him to tell him the truth.

"Bella, Alice has been trying to contact me. What's going on? What aren't you telling me?"

Alice must have had a vision of the outcome. I wondered where she was and if she and Jasper had had a chance to talk yet.

"Bella, what's happening?"

He sounded like he was driving. I had a brief flash of a memory of him behind the wheel of the Shooting Star.

"Bella, damn it, talk to me!" He sounded more and more frantic. I took a deep breath.

"It's Victoria. She's here, in Forks, with Laurent. Apparently she's trying to avenge James' s death and decided to kill me, mate for mate. I was in Phoenix for Thanksgiving and she couldn't get me, so she took Mike. And if I go to her now, she'll let him go.

"No," he shouted. "Don't go to her, Bella. She'll never let Mike go. He might as well be dead already. If you go she'll just kill you both. Get in your truck and get as far away from Forks as possible. Go to Seattle to the marina and wait for me there."

"I can't, Jasper. Mike is alive. I spoke with him a few minutes ago. It wasn't just a video this time." My face twisted with the memory of the trick James played on me in the spring. "If there is any chance that he can live through this, I have to take it. He has nothing to do with any of this. He can't die, Jasper. I can't just let him die."

"Bella, please listen to me. It won't make a difference. Now that Mike has seen her she cannot let him live. You going to her will not change this. She will kill him and you. You can still save yourself. You must save yourself. For me, Darlin'. You have to live for me. I can't lose you so soon after I found you, especially after you said the things you just said about Alice. Call Jake, tell him what's happening. Let the wolves deal with the vampires and head straight to Seattle."

I closed my eyes. He didn't understand. I wasn't explaining myself well enough.

"Jasper, if I don't show up she'll not only kill Mike, she promised to kill Charlie and Angela and everyone I love. And I won't call Jacob, because this is not the pack's fight. Victoria and Laurent are at your house, on Cullen land. I will not expose the wolves to danger for something that doesn't involve them. I wouldn't have called you either, except that I promised I would and I wanted to hear your voice one last time and tell you that I love you and say goodbye."

"No," he roared, "Bella, I love you. You cannot do this! You must run!"

"I love you too, Jasper," I said quietly. "Please be happy."

I hit the end button over his continuous loud protests. I felt the phone start to vibrate and knew it was Jasper calling me back. I turned off the power and threw the phone into my bag.

I took an extra few minutes to bring my bag upstairs to my room. I didn't want Charlie to have to face that when he came home to find me gone. I wanted to leave a note, but I couldn't think of what to say. I looked around my room one last time and headed out to meet my end.

An overwhelming feeling of dread filed me as I got into the truck and started driving to Jasper's house. I had once been willing to die in place of my mother, and I was just as willing now to die in place of my friend. But I couldn't help wonder why I was continually forced to make such life and death decisions. It was as thought fate had pre-determined my death and resented my cheating by making the sacrifices more and more demanding.

I pulled onto the Cullens' long driveway and drove the last several miles with even my thoughts silent. I wasn't ready to die, but I couldn't live knowing the sacrifices that would be suffered by others if I chose to be selfish.. So death was the only option.

When I got to the clearing in front of the house, I pulled the truck to a stop. I got out, not knowing what to do next.

"We're in the back," I heard Victoria call as if she were welcoming a barbecue guest. "Won't you join us, Bella?"

I walked slowly to the back of the house. The scene I saw there was as bizarre as it was terrifying. Victoria and Laurent stood side by side, with Mike between them. Victoria had her hand on Mike's left arm in a gesture that looked friendly enough, but I knew allowed for no movement. Behind them stood three other vampires, cowering low to the ground. Based on their subservience I had to guess that these Vampires had been created by Victoria, which made all three of them newborns.

"Well, well, well, Bella. You actually came!" Victoria said, pulling me out of my thoughts. "And so promptly, too. You must actually feel something for this worthless human." Victoria tightened her grip on Mike's left arm and then twisted. I could hear the cracking bone followed by Mike's howl of pain.

"No! Stop! You promised!" I cried.

Victoria laughed and tossed Mike aside like a doll.

"I did promise, didn't I? And I'm so flattered that you actually believed me. Unfortunately for you and your little friend, I lied. When I'm done with you he's going to make a nice little snack for my new coven. But for now, it's your turn."

I watched as she started to walk towards me. Laurent, who up until now had been standing by her side, suddenly launched himself at me. I closed my eyes, preparing for the first bite. I felt him land in front of me, but nothing thereafter. I carefully opened my eyes to see Laurent positioned in a protective crouch in front of me. I saw Victoria stop, a mixture of fury and disbelief twisting her face into an unattractive grimace.

"Have you lost your mind, Laurent?" she screeched. "Step out of the way and let me have her!" she commanded.

"Her new mate spared my life, Victoria, in large part based on her request. I cannot let you harm her. I've been with you all along to make sure you don't harm her." Laurent's voice was typically pleasant, betraying no stress over the deadly situation.

"I can't believe you were foolish enough to come here. Run for the truck, Bella, and for God's sake get out of here.," Laurent growled at me low enough for only me to hear. "I can hold her back for a while to give you time to get away."

I turned to run, but then remembered Mike. I turned back to see him lift himself up from where he had landed and run headlong into Victoria in an attempt to stop her advance. I heard a sickening crack as his body collided with Victoria's hardness. She grasped Mike's shoulders and held him up away from her effortlessly.

"Looking for something, Bella?" Victoria asked in a falsely sweet voice. "You wouldn't want to leave your friend behind. As for you," she was speaking to Laurent now and her voice was hard and cold, "I'll show you what I do with traitors. Riley, Bree, Frederick," she screeched, "rid me of this human lover."

The three vampires who up to now had been cowering behind Victoria in subservient poses, rose as if waking up from slumber. Even from where I was standing I saw their vivid crimson eyes and heard the snarls exploding from their chests as they started running in our direction.

"Bella, run!" Laurent commanded, and this time I didn't hesitate. Knowing there was nothing I could do for Mike while he was in Victoria's grasp, I ran as fast as I could towards my truck. Behind me I heard yowling and screeching and then the horrible metallic sound that I knew was the sound of vampire flesh being shredded and torn. I turned my head slightly to look back, but the lapse in concentration caused me to trip, and I fell onto the hard ground, my ankle twisting painfully. I tried to get up but the ankle failed and I fell again, slamming my knee into the ground. I cried out in pain and looked back to see the three vampires ripping apart the remains of Laurent's body. I pulled myself to my hands and knees and, doing my best to ignore the shooting pain in my knee and ankle, I started crawling away from the horrifying scene.

I heard pounding feet behind me and knew one or more of the vampires had finished with Laurent and were now pursuing me. I tried to move faster, but the pain in my knee prevented any increase in speed. I felt a cold, hard hand wrap around my twisted ankle and screamed in agony as I was yanked backwards. My arms and knees collapsed and I was flat on my face and belly, being dragged along the ground back to Victoria. The stones and rocks on the ground scraped my cheeks, chin and palms as I desperately tried to grip anything I could with my hands to free myself from the dragging force or, at the very least, slow down my return to Victoria.

I began to hear more snarling, and wondered if I was finally starting to hallucinate. Then the grip on my ankle was gone and I was no longer moving. I lay still for a moment, not knowing what to do or think. I slowly pulled myself to my hands and knees again and took another look back. I saw that where before the clearing only held the vampires and Mike, they were now joined by four giant wolves, including Jake.

Three of the wolves were stalking the vampires who had attacked Laurent, and who were now clearly confused and disoriented by the creatures before them. The vampires' vivid red eyes kept darting from the wolves to each other to Victoria, obviously looking to her for orders. Victoria, however, was busy using Mike as a shield to defend herself from an attack by a viciously snarling Jake.

Suddenly Victoria's face lit up with a bright smile. Holding Mike's body in front of her with her left arm, she curled the fingers of her right hand into talons and dragged them across his chest, ripping his shirt and opening five deep gashes. Mike screamed and his body convulsed, then fell limp in Victoria's arms

**

* * *

**

**The title of this chapter comes from a line in the song _Hungry like the Wolf_ by Duran Duran. ****You'll find the link in my profile.**

**Only four more chapters to go. What did you think?**


	50. Chapter 50: Matador

**First, I want to let you all know that I post the chapters as I write them, so I can't post updates as quickly as many of you would like. However, I assure you I am writing and posting as quickly as I can on this race to the finish. **

**Also, many of you have asked, so I thought I would address a couple of things here. First, you will not see Edward in Golden Moon. Sorry! Second, after Golden Moon is done I'll complete Of Vampires and Women and will write several more chapters from Jasper's POV. I will post a poll and I will write the top three chapters chosen by the readers. They will all be M-rated, almost exclusively for language (not lemons!,) so they will be posted separately from Golden Moon.**

**And now, on with the story.**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

Chapter 50: Matador

The sight and smell of Mike's brilliant red blood pouring out of his wounds sent a wave of nausea through me and I started feeling lightheaded. I pressed my injured knee to the ground, hoping the pain would distract me from my usual reaction to seeing blood. I couldn't pass out right now. It simply wasn't an option.

Just like me, the newborns reacted instantly to Victoria's actions. Focusing on Mike's limp body, all three vampires poised to spring for their victim. Seeing that their attention was now targeted, Victoria lifted Mike's unmoving form and tossed him to the side of the clearing. His body flew through the air, crashing into a thick pine trunk with another sickening crack before falling to the ground. The newborns turned and sprang towards the body while it was still in the air. The wolves were less than a second behind. Jake hesitated for a mere moment before ignoring Victoria to leap and place himself between the newborns and Mike. The sheer volume of snarling and growling in the clearing was overwhelming. The newborns, infuriated at being delayed from draining Mike's blood, attacked Jake the same way they had attacked Laurent earlier. This time, however, the other wolves were there to assist. Two jumped on the newborns' unprotected backs and locked their jaws around the male vampires' necks, twisting their muzzles form side to side in an effort to decapitate their enemies. The third latched on to the female's thigh, causing her to lose balance, both tumbling to the ground in a tangle of pale marble and black fur.

I shot a glance in the other direction. Victoria, now completely ignored by the wolves, ran to the furthest edge of the clearing. She paused for a moment and looked back to survey the fight before searching me out and locking her eyes with mine. Even at this distance I could read her expression, which unmistakably said 'I'm giving up for now, but I'll be back again for you some day, when you least expect it.' I let out an involuntary whimper, knowing that as long as she was alive she would be plotting and pursuing my demise.

I had to blink several times to make sure the pain in my legs wasn't causing hallucinations when I saw a familiar shape emerge from the forest behind Victoria, causing her to turn and me to gasp in alarm. Jasper's crouch was anything but defensive and his growls and snarls were almost feral in their intensity. Victoria backed up into the clearing, shifting her weight from one foot to the other, testing which direction would be most advantageous for her next move. His moves smooth, his body coiled tightly like a panther waiting to spring, Jasper shadowed her movements, not giving her any openings. It was like watching an elaborate dance or a bull fight, with the opponents sizing up each other's strengths and weaknesses before engaging in combat.

Their stand off continued for a few seconds before, in one lithe leap, Jasper sprang towards Victoria, their bodies crashing into each other with a tremendous bang resembling a thunderclap as they tumbled to the ground. I cried out when I saw Victoria's teeth sink into Jasper's shoulder and shuddered when Jasper wound his left hand in Victoria's hair and yanked on it with enough power to detach her from him and expose her neck to his teeth.

A loud hiss and yelp caused me to look back to the wolves and newborns. One of the male Vampires had pulled a wolf off his back and had tossed the wolf to the side while attempting to fight off another wolf's attack on his shoulder. I saw that one of the male newborns had been completely torn to shreds and that the female was now severely dismembered, almost to the point of being completely incapacitated. I felt and heard hard pounding paws on the hard ground as another wolf leaped into the fight from somewhere behind me.

I looked beyond the fighting wolves to where Mike was laying unmoving. I had to go to him, to see if he was still alive and if there was anything I could do to help him. Ignoring the pain in my knee and ankle, I began to crawl around the perimeter of the battle scene, making my way to the other side to get close to Mike. I permitted myself one glance in Jasper's direction to see that he had Victoria pinned in front of him and was swiftly detaching extremities form her torso. I sighed in relief and continued my slow crawl towards Mike, finally reaching his body after what seemed like an interminable journey. He was lying incredibly still, but when I put my cheek to his lips I felt just the faintest hint of moving air, and when I placed my ear against his bloody chest I detected a weak and stuttering heart beat. His skin was pale and clammy and blood was still pouring from the gashes inflicted by Victoria.

I shrugged out of my jacket and placed it over his torso, pressing my whole body down onto his in an effort to stop some of the bleeding. After a few minutes I lifted myself off to notice that the jacket and my shirt front were both soaked with blood. It was clear that Mike desperately needed medical help and I had no idea what to do for him. I grasped his hand in mine, squeezing tightly, and leaned over to speak right into his ear.

"It's going to be okay, Mike. Just hold on. Hold on a little bit longer. We'll get you help soon and everything will be fine."

I wasn't sure if I was trying to reassure him or myself. His eyelids fluttered open and I could see his eyes were glazed with pain.

"You okay?" he rasped.

I sobbed. "I'm fine, Mike. Don't try to talk. Just hang on. Stay with me. The fight will be over soon and then we'll get help."

"Crazy shit," his stilted voice was already weakening.

I smiled weakly. "I know. I'm so sorry you got caught up in this. But everything will be all right. You'll see." I brushed my hand gently against his cold, clammy cheek. "Just try to rest and hold on."

A strange smell assailed my lungs and I looked up to see a fire in the clearing. Sam and Embry had phased to their human form and were gathering fallen branches to maintain the flames while the other wolves tossed bits of vampire flesh into the flames. I looked to Jasper who was finishing his task of ripping apart Victoria's remains.

My attention was brought back to Mike when his body started convulsing in front of me. He was dying. My eyes burned with smoke and my lungs were overwhelmed with the heavy, acrid odor of incense as the wolves threw vampire chunks into the blazing fire. I could hear the howls and growling of the pack as their fury whipped them into a frenzy.

I was covered with blood. It dripped from me onto him as I desperately tried to hold his torn and broken body together, to somehow protect him from certain demise. I felt the cuts and scrapes on my face bleeding as well, but my loss of blood was nothing. My wounds were superficial. He was dying! Dying, because he tried to protect me. And there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Mike!" I screamed. "Oh, God, Mike! Help! We have to get him some help!"

Sam turned towards the sound of my voice and ran to Mike's side, sinking to his knees. He peeled off my blood soaked jacket and leaned down.

"His heart stopped," he said in alarm. "Do you know CPR?"

I shook my head in a panic. Sam lowered his lips to Mike's and breathed into them twice, then started compressing his bloody chest.

I kept screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs despite the choking smoke, until the intelligible noise finally turned into words.

"Oh my God, he can't die! Please, Sam, don't let him die!"

Jake ran over to us, still in wolf form.

"He's not going to make it," Sam said dejectedly, even as he continued the compressions. "It's not safe for us to move him to get him to a hospital and an ambulance will never make the round trip in time."

"No!" I screamed. "No, no, no, no! There has to be a way. We have to save him. He can't die. Jasper!" I looked over to the other side of the clearing. I saw that he had been watching us all along. "Jasper, you can save him. Turn him, Jasper, please. He can't just die!"

Jasper stood, but made no move to come over.

"Bella, I can't," he said loud enough for me to hear. "The treaty . . ."

I turned to Jake. "Make an exception! Please, Jake, make an exception for me. You can't just let him die like this. Please!"

"He's dying anyway," Sam said to Jake. "The Cullens can teach him not to hunt humans."

"Jacob," I screamed," You have to save him! Please! He cannot die because of me! I'm begging you, you're the only one who can do this! Jacob! Oh God - Jasper! No! You have to save him! He's dying!"

Jake turned and ran towards Jasper, phasing back to human form with his back to us.

"All right. I'll grant this one exception to the treaty if you promise to take him away from here and teach him not to harm humans."

"Jasper?" I focused on his face, not understanding why he wasn't already at my side biting Mike. "Please!"

"I can't, Bella," his voice was filled with pain and regret. "I haven't hunted today. Even from here his blood is difficult to resist. If I were to bite him I wouldn't be able to stop."

A protest of growls and snarls rose from the two remaining wolves. I felt the blood drain from my face.

"You can stop," I tried to convince him. "I know you're strong enough."

I wanted to instill him with confidence, but a small part of me wavered. If Jasper couldn't stop and killed Mike, would Jake and the pack feel compelled to kill him? Could I ask Jasper to take this huge risk in order to save Mike? And more importantly, was I really willing to risk the life of the man I loved to save the life of a good friend?

The smoke was so thick I could hardly see, but my peripheral vision somehow registered movement. A small, fast, fluid shadow descended into the clearing like a dark angel. I screamed, but then my screams caught in my throat as my mind recognized the familiar figure. Alice! The wolves turned their growls and snarling to her and poised to attack. A hand signal from Jake kept them back.

"I'll do it. I'll turn him. I have the control," she said in a tinkling voice. In a flash she was by my side. I moved back, giving her room as she leaned over Mike.

"Continue the CPR," she instructed Sam. "His heart has to be pumping to spread the venom throughout his body. Once the venom reaches the heart, you'll be able to stop."

Sam stopped compressions and moved to breathe into Mike's mouth. Alice took the opportunity to lean over Mike's chest and ran her venom-coated tongue over the gashes, sealing them up and stemming the bleeding. Sam returned to compressions as Alice sank her teeth repeatedly into Mike at various sites on his body and sealed each bite with yet another swipe of her tongue. After several dozen bites she finally stopped and looked at Sam. "We'll know the venom has reached his heart when he starts to scream from the burn. You'll be able to stop CPR then."

I looked in horror from Sam to Alice, realizing that when the venom reached his heart he would be in unimaginable pain, worse than anything I felt when James bit me in Phoenix. I had wanted this, I knew this was the only way to save him, but I still couldn't believe what I had done. Would Mike ever forgive me for sentencing him to this pain and immortality over a simple human death?

Sam continued his CPR efforts as Alice rose and started walking towards Jasper at a slow, human pace. I saw him tense and crouch, carefully assessing her approach. She left her arms down at her sides and stopped a few feet away from him.

"You're alive," she said. "I was so afraid . . ."

Jasper straightened, but his face was still suspicious.

"Of course I'm alive. What are you talking about, Alice?"

"I had a vision of you coming here to fight Victoria and then you disappeared. The whole battle disappeared. I couldn't see anything, couldn't see the outcome," she said. "I was terrified. I called to try to stop you, but you wouldn't answer so I had to come . . ."

"You called to stop me from coming here to protect Bella? Did you really think you would have been able to do that?"

"Jasper, I still love you and I forgive you. These feelings you have for Bella, they're temporary. They're not real. I know you still love me. Can't you forgive me for the things I've done in the past? Can't we start over?"

"In the past? You just admitted you were trying to manipulate me today."

"Only to save and protect you, Jasper! It has always been about protecting you and keeping you safe. I love you! After all our years together, don't you still love me?"

Suddenly Mike screamed and my attention shifted back to him. His screams were absolutely agonizing. Sam leaned away from him and watched with a horrified expression.

"What's happening to him?" he whispered.

"The venom burns," I said quietly. "It's the most horrible pain I've ever felt."

Sam looked at me sharply, clearly shocked.

"How do you know? You're not a . . ."

I rolled up the sleeve to my shirt and showed him my scar.

"Last spring a vampire named James wanted to kill me and very nearly succeeded. He bit me. Edward got there in time to pull him off me. Emmett and Jasper killed him and Edward sucked out the venom before it could change me, but not before I felt some of what he's going through right now."

"How long?" Sam asked. Paul, who had phased back to human form, came over to us and waited for my answer along with Sam.

"Three days," I said.

"This bad?" Sam asked. I nodded. _Maybe worse_, I added in my head.

Jake and Embry walked over to us.

"Jared's running the perimeter, making sure we didn't miss anything. Otherwise it's all over. All the pieces have been burned," Jake reported.

I looked at him in shock, then to the fire which was smaller now, no longer being fed with wood and vampire flesh. And then I remembered Laurent, and burst into tears. In all the confusion of the fight and concentrating on Mike and Jasper, I had completely forgotten about Laurent. I knew the newborns had ripped him into millions of shreds, but Carlisle might have been able to put him together if we had all the pieces. But I didn't tell the wolves and they tossed all the vampire shreds into the fire, including Laurent. Like Mike, he had given up his life to keep me safe.

At the sound of my sobbing, Mike's screams became even louder and more terrifying. Jake leaned down to scoop me up and took me away from Mike's side. I twisted in his arms, trying to get back to Mike.

"Apparently he can sense your emotions and your being upset is making things worse for him, Bella. Let's get you calmed down and then I'll bring you back to him, I swear."

I stopped struggling, realizing he was right. I buried my face in his chest, trying to stifle my sobs. Jake held me close, rubbing circles over my back with his large, warm hand in an effort to soothe me.

"It's all right, Bella. You're safe. All of the bad vampires are gone. We made sure we burned them all."

My sobs increased again at the reminder of Laurent's death.

"Bella, what's wrong? Talk to me."

"It's Laurent," I sobbed.

"Who's Laurent?"

I kept sobbing as I explained the entire story to Jake, starting with the baseball game in the clearing in the spring, James' attack and death, Laurent's return this fall and his decision to join Victoria again only to protect me.

"He put himself between me and Victoria and the newborns and he died, Jacob. He died trying to protect me. And I didn't do anything to stop you from burning him!"

"Bella, you can't blame yourself," Jake said. "If we hadn't come along, I'm sure Victoria would have burned his remains just as we had, and I'm sure he knew that too when he decided to step in as your shield. He died a hero, Bella. He died doing something he believed in. He wouldn't have done it if he didn't believe it was the right thing to do and if he wasn't willing to accept the consequences. All of us who were here fighting today knew the risks and were willing to accept them."

"But I could have saved him. He didn't have to die. If I has saved the pieces Carlisle could have . . ."

"No. I could not have allowed that. All of the vampire parts had to be burned. There was no time for sorting. And you had Mike to worry about. He was the only true victim here. Totally innocent, a bystander getting pulled into this conflict. You made the right choice, Bella. I know Laurent would agree with me."

I realized that at some point I had stopped sobbing. I wiped off my eyes and looked at Jake carefully.

"Are you all right? Were you hurt? And the others?"

"Just superficial wounds that already healed. We had surprise and numbers on our side. They didn't know what hit them. And it helped that Jasper showed up to deal with the female."

I glanced over in Jasper's direction. He and Alice were standing closer now, speaking in tones low enough for me not to be able to hear them. Their body language suggested that she was still pleading her case. I couldn't evaluate his reaction. Feeling like I was eavesdropping on a private moment even though I could hear nothing, I lowered my eyes.

"Jake, even before I found out Mike was kidnapped, I wanted to talk to you. I love Jasper with all my heart and I can't bear to be apart from him. I can only hope that after all this he can forgive me and still want me. If he does, then I will be with him. I would like to stay in Forks, but only if you promise that you and the pack will uphold your part of the treaty and leave him alone. If you can't do that, then I will leave with him."

Jake pulled back to look into my eyes.

"You'd leave Charlie and me and all of your friends?"

I looked at him, trying to convey how serious I was about this plan.

"I wouldn't want to leave, Jake, but I need to be with him. I know you don't understand and I'm not trying to force your hand. I know with the way you feel about this, it could be too much for you. If you can't guarantee his safety here, I will understand and we will go somewhere else."

Jake looked away from me. He didn't speak for a long while. His brows came together in a concentrated frown and I could tell he was trying to go through all the available options.

"Damn, Bella, could you make this any harder for me? I'm already questioning myself over what I did for you today with Mike. Was that the right decision? Bringing another vampire into the world? But you just can't leave it at that, can you?"

He was hurting and he didn't deserve that after everything he did for me. I couldn't ask him for more than he already gave.

"It's okay, Jake. I understand. Just forget I asked. I was going to leave Forks eventually anyway to go to school. This will just be a little earlier. I'll come up with a cover story that will make it easier for Charlie."

I looked over at Jasper and Alice and my heart constricted when I saw that they were still standing close together as he spoke to her earnestly while holding her hands in his.

"Besides, it may not even be necessary."

Jake followed my gaze then turned back to me, taking my chin in his hands to make sure my eyes were on him.

"Now, you listen to me. I still think this is madness and I can't pretend to understand it, and I sure don't like him or the thought of you being with him, but I know he cares about you a hell of a lot. We would have never known the other vampires were here if he hadn't contacted us. Paul, Jared, Sam and I were helping Charlie with the search, and we were all phased, so we weren't reachable. Embry was running patrols on the res. Jasper called my house first, but Billy didn't know where we were or how to reach us, so he called Emily who ran out into the forest yelling that you were in trouble and needed help until Embry found her and she could tell him the whole story. As soon as he knew what was happening we all knew and ran over here, and it looks like we got here just in the nick of time.

"Which brings up a good question. Why the hell didn't you tell us that there was a coven of human killing vampires in Forks? What were you thinking coming out here all by yourself? God, Bella, if I didn't love you so much I swear I'd strangle you myself."

I looked away, embarrassed. My logic seemed to make sense at the time.

"I knew that they were just here for me. They already had Mike. I didn't want anyone else to get hurt."

"So you came here like a lamb to the slaughter to be some sort of a martyr? Geez, Bella, you can be so stupid sometimes! Thank goodness you had enough sense to call him and that he's more reasonable than you are."

"I thought he was further away," I whispered. "I only called him because I didn't think he could get here in time. I didn't want him to get hurt either."

"Lucky for us he was nearby or that damn female would have gotten away. With all the people in the forest searching, who knows how many people she would have killed on her way out of town. I owe him for that one.

"Anyway, back to my original point," his hand returned to my chin and he forced me to look at him again. "Whatever else I think about him, I know how much he cares about you. So stop doubting yourself. I know enough from when he and I talked before and from what he did today to guarantee that if you want him, he's yours. And I won't be the one to drive you from Forks, so yes, Bells, we'll honor the treaty. As long as he keeps the terms, we'll back off and leave him and you alone. But are you sure you'll be safe? You heard him today, he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't kill Mike."

"That was only because I asked him to bite Mike. You saw all the blood and how he stayed away and didn't hurt Mike or me or any of you. He is very disciplined, Jake. I know I'm safe with him. He would never hurt me."

"And what about the future, Bella? You'll keep aging and he'll always stay the same."

"We'll worry about that when the time comes," I said. I knew better than to tell Jake of my discussions with Jasper about him turning me into a vampire. I knew nothing would happen until after we left Forks, and Jake didn't need to know anything until then. No matter how much he cared about me or how much I cared about him, this was my life and my decision, and I didn't want him to have to worry about it or try to stop me.

"I always admired cougars," I said.

Jake laughed and shook his head. "I think you have a while to go before you're in cougar territory, Bella."

"Yeah, a few years, at least."

We fell silent, and I slowly became aware again of Mike's screaming. "Jake, I'm okay, now. I have to go back to Mike. See if I can do anything to help him."

He looked at me and nodded, then got up and carried me back and set me down on the ground next to Mike. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly, lowering my lips to his ear.

"I'm sorry, Mike," I said. "I'm so sorry, but this was the only way. The only way we could save you. I know how much it hurts. Just let the pain out. Do whatever you have to do. It will be over, soon, I promise. And then you won't have to worry about pain anymore. I swear. Just hang on."

My voice and touch seemed to have a soothing effect, because Mike's screams turned into lower moans. Desperately searching for something to talk about that would distract him from the pain, I began to review all the books we read during our lunches together in painstaking detail, going over all the minute plot points. This had the desired effect and Mike calmed down even more. I continued to grip his hand with one of mine while I stroked his cheek with the other. I kept talking, pausing only to occasionally take a breath, doing what little I could to get him through this horrible ordeal.

I lost all track of time. I was only somewhat aware of the boys coming and going to check on Mike. I could sense that they were all relieved he had stopped his screaming, though I knew that the burn did not go away. I was only giving him enough strength and control not to vocalize the pain.

The sound of a cell phone snapping closed broke through my stupor and I looked up to see Alice put away her phone and make her way slowly towards us, her face so dejected and sad she was hardly recognizable. I knew if she could cry her face would have been streaked with tears. I looked beyond her to find some clue as to what had happened from Jasper. As I scanned the clearing, however, I started to panic and my speech faltered. My eyes darted form one edge of the clearing to the other to find even a glimpse, the barest hint of his presence, refusing to acknowledge the undeniable truth. Jasper was gone.

**

* * *

**

The title of this chapter comes from an awesome song of the same name by Los Fabulosos Cadillacs. Check out the link in my profile to see their MTV unplugged performance.

**I'm sorry for yet another cliffy. I promise I will try to update quickly, hopefully by Monday. Three more chapters to go and in the next chapter we'll finally find out what Alice has been thinking this entire time. As always, your feedback is much appreciated.**


	51. Chapter 51: I Confess

**Thank you so much everyone for all the reviews! I'm glad the story has kept you guessing. Get ready for some big revelations in this one!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 51: I Confess (Cards on the Table Time)

Alice didn't look me in the eyes as she approached. Instead, she turned to Paul, who was standing next to us, and asked if he could carry Mike into the house, where he would be more comfortable. Paul looked to me for confirmation and I nodded.

"Embry," Paul called, "I need to take Mike into the house. Can you come over and carry Bella?"

I smiled at him gratefully, glad that he remembered my injuries made it difficult for me to follow on my own.

"I'll take her," Jake said bruskly, narrowing his eyes in Alice's direction. "Sam and Embry, you guys come too."

We walked to the Cullen house, were Alice directed Paul to lay Mike down on the sofa before she disappeared in the direction of Carlisle and Esme's room. Jake asked Embry to set some pillows on the floor before depositing me close to Mike's head so I could continue to talk to him and keep him calm.

"Thanks, Jake. There's food in the kitchen. Some snacks and drinks and even frozen dinners in the freezer, if you guys are hungry. At least," I wavered, "there used to be."

Jake looked at me quizzically.

"Jasper kept food here for when I came over. He always took care of me."

"It's all still here," Paul called from the kitchen. "A nice selection, too. Want anything, Jake?"

"You guys take what you want," Jake said, settling himself down beside me. "I'll eat when you're done. How about you, Bells? You hungry?"

I shook my head. "I couldn't eat right now."

"Nonsense," he said. "You'll need your strength, especially right now. Paul, pick out something good for Bella and bring it here, okay?"

"Sure," Paul agreed, as though he had a choice.

"Really, Jake, I'm not. . . "

"Will you for once stop being the most stubborn person in the universe and do what your body needs you to do? Mike needs you to be strong."

I relented, and when Paul brought me the microwaved pasta marinara dinner, I ate without complaints.

Alice came back into the living room.

"Jasper went to hunt and to get you some fresh clothes," she said to me dully, "I put out some towels and a robe in Carlisle and Esme's bathroom. You need to shower before he gets here. And those should be burned," she pointed to my clothes.

I looked down at my bloody shirt. Of course, Jasper had said he hadn't hunted and here I was, covered with fresh human blood. No wonder he hadn't come closer. Relief swept through me.

"That's a good idea," Jake acknowledged grudgingly. "Come on, Bells," he said, taking the plate out of my hands and picking me up again.

I directed him to the bathroom and almost asked him to put me down in the shower before I realized the logistics of disrobing while unable to stand on my right leg were not going to work.

"Maybe just put me on the bed and bring me the robe?" I said. "It will be easier for me there."

Jake did as I asked, then left the room instructing me to let him know when I was ready. I carefully took off my shoes and socks. The bloody shirt and bra followed relatively easily. The jeans and panties were a bit more problematic, but I lay down and wriggled both down to my thighs, then sat back up to gingerly push them off my legs. I examined my knee which, thankfully, was just scraped and bruised. My ankle was swollen, but I knew form past experience it was just a sprain – nothing was broken. I wrapped my self tightly in the robe and called Jake, instructing him to put me down right in the tiled shower enclosure.

"Do you need any other help?" he asked.

"I think I can manage," I said. "Maybe stay outside and listen and if you hear me calling or falling, then some help would be nice."

"Okay. Good idea." Making sure that I was steady leaning against the shower wall, he walked out and closed the door.

The shower felt heavenly. I washed my hair first, leaning against the wall for support. I used the body wash and a wash cloth to carefully clean the blood off my face, hands, torso and knee. After I finished washing I stood under the water longer than necessary to rinse, enjoying the relaxing warm spray. Finally, I turned off the water, toweled off and re-wrapped myself in the robe.

"Jake, I'm done. Can you carry me back?"

The door opened and I gasped with surprise and pleasure when instead of Jake I saw Jasper. He was next to me in a flash, lifting me up into his arms. Without any preamble, he captured my lips in a searing kiss that left me breathless. It was everything that I had wanted and needed and missed and longed for. After enduring so many weeks of emptiness, I finally felt complete.

Eventually Jasper broke off the kiss and looked at me sternly and seriously.

"That was twice now, Isabella Marie Swan. Twice that you ignored me and deliberately put yourself in harm's way, nearly sentencing me to an eternity of hell on earth. Swear to me that there won't be a third."

I wrapped both of my hands in his soft, wavy hair, and pulled myself up to place kisses over every surface of his face that I could reach.

"I swear, Jasper. Never again."

He crushed me to him and breathed in my scent. "I was so terrified, Bella. So terrified neither Jake nor I would get here in time and that I would lose you."

"I know. I'm so sorry. I was stupid. Please forgive me." Those damn treacherous tears welled up in my eyes again. Jasper saw and hurriedly kissed them away.

"Of course I forgive you, Darlin'. You're safe and you're here with me and that's all that matters as long as you never do anything like that again."

I looked at him incredulously.

"That's it? Just like that? No lectures?"

Jasper sighed. "We'll talk about it again when we have a little more privacy, just to make sure you really understand. But the forgiveness is unconditional. I'm just so happy that, for the most part, you managed to escape injury free."

He parted my robe slightly to look at my ankle and knee. I blushed furiously, knowing this time I was wearing nothing underneath, but Jasper behaved like a perfect gentleman, closing the robe back up as soon as he finished his examination. He carried me over to the medicine cabinet from which he took out a bottle of Advil, antiseptic cream and bandages. I caught a look at myself in the mirror. I had some cuts and scrapes on my face, but considering everything that happened, they weren't too bad. I would have to come up with a cover story for the twisted ankle anyway, so the cuts to my face would just be a part of that.

"I brought you fresh clothes. They're on the bed. Ready to change?"

I nodded. He carried me out into the bedroom, where Jake was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his expression brooding. I sighed, knowing it was too much to expect the two of them to be instant friends. Maybe it was too much to expect them to be friends at all.

"I think she can handle changing alone. We can wait outside," He grumbled. He sounded like such a protective big brother, I nearly giggled. Did he really think Jasper would take advantage of me under these circumstances?

Jasper and I exchanged a look. His was filled with annoyance until he saw the amusement in my eyes and his expression changed to where he could barely suppress a smirk.

"I'll need to wrap her ankle and clean up the cuts on her knee first. If you want to make yourself useful, get her some water for the Advils."

Without waiting for Jake's response, Jasper moved my robe aside again and started wrapping my foot with an elastic bandage. When he was done he rubbed some antiseptic cream into the cuts on my knee and wrapped it up as well. Jake returned from the bathroom with a glass of water, which I accepted gratefully to swallow a couple of Advils. Jasper took the empty glass out of my hands and leaned in to kiss me.

"Call when you're ready," he said, following Jake out of the room and closing the door.

I examined the clothes Jasper selected for me. I noticed that the top was the one I wore on the day we went to Seattle, which brought a nostalgic smile to my face. The jeans were pretty standard and he had selected a matching set of cotton bra and panties. I said a little prayer of thanks that I hadn't yet had a chance to unwrap my Victoria's Secret purchases. Tonight was hardly the appropriate time to debut those, and I was glad that, when the time came, they would still be a surprise.

I dressed as quickly as I could and called out when I was ready. Jasper was instantly there to pick me up and carry me to the living room. He set me down on my pillow perch and sat down on the floor beside me, lifting my right leg to elevate the ankle and placing his hand around the ankle in lieu of ice, instantly making it feel better.

"Carlisle and Emmett should be here in a few hours," Alice said from where she was sitting on the arm rest of the sofa by Mike's head, her hand combing through his hair absentmindedly. For the first time since being back in the room, I focused on Mike, who seemed to be as relaxed as he had been when I left him. Alice's touch must have been as soothing as mine, and I was thankful to her for staying by his side.

She must have seen something in my face, because she said, her voice melancholy, "He's my responsibility, now, and I will take care of him well. I knew what I was taking on when I agreed to change him."

"Why are Emmett and Carlisle coming?" I asked no one in particular.

"We need to take Mike to Alaska," Alice answered. "It would be most comfortable for him to transport him in a car, rather than carry him, but someone will have to carry him over the border – we don't have enough time to get the right documents to go through an official border crossing. I could carry him easily enough, but someone needs to be on the other side with a car. I called Carlisle because he has the most experience with this and he can evaluate his progress. Emmett wanted to come just in case Mike woke early and we needed help restraining him, and also to see you." She looked down, but I knew the last statement was directed to me.

"When he gets here, Carlisle can take a look at your ankle," Jasper said, "Make sure there's nothing else to be done."

"Sure, but it's really nothing I haven't been through before. Just a sprain. It's already feeling better," I offered, and it was the truth. The combination of Jasper's cool hand and the Advil was doing wonders.

The room fell into an awkward silence. I looked around. Sam, Embry and Paul sat at the kitchen counter, devouring Jasper's stash of snacks and not really knowing where to look. Jake was leaning against the living room wall, glowering at Mike, me and the vampires. I heard Jasper clear his throat, and knew it was more for the attention getting properties than a genuine need to clear his air passage. I turned to look at him direct his remarks to Jake.

"I'm truly grateful for the way you and the whole pack came to Bella's aid today, and for the exception to the treaty you made for Mike. But the fight is over now and Alice and Bella and I have some things to talk about that are pretty private . . ."

Jake opened his mouth to argue but Jasper, sensing his mood, quickly cut in.

"I will make sure Mike and Bella are safe."

Jake closed his mouth and glared at Jasper, then turned to look at me with question in his eyes. I sighed. I wasn't looking forward to the conversation with Alice, but I knew it was necessary.

"It's okay, Jake. I bet the search organizers are wondering where you guys are. Maybe one of you should go back to check in. And Jake, maybe not you? It will be easier to explain the ankle to Charlie if he thinks I was in the woods with you searching for Mike when I fell. Also, Sam needs to talk to Emily – I'm sure she's frantic with worry."

"I already called her, Bella," Sam said. "But I know she'd appreciate seeing me in person," he directed his last comment to Jake.

Jake looked annoyed, but he didn't protest as he pushed himself off the wall and walked over to the guys. I couldn't hear if he had said anything to them or if the signaling was silent, but they stood in near unison and all four filed out of the house. Alice sighed with relief.

"Finally," she said, "the stench was getting unbearable."

I looked at Jasper, puzzled.

"The wolves smell horrible to us," he explained. "I've met them before and had a little more time to get accustomed to the odor, but this is Alice's first time and in such close concentration . . . "

I glanced over at Alice, though I didn't feel particularly compassionate. What I saw, however, filled me with alarm. Alice's eyes were rolled back. She was clearly experiencing a powerful vision. I felt Jasper's hand tighten slightly around my ankle, and I saw he wore a worried expression. Alice's fingers curled in Mike's hair and she must have tugged on it, eliciting a painful moan from Mike, which snapped her back to reality. She loosened her fingers and slowly re-focused her eyes on us.

"What is it?" Jasper asked.

"It was, I don't know. I don't understand. I saw Emmett and Carlisle coming. They will be here in 2 hours and," she glanced at the clock, "17 minutes. I saw all of us talking. I saw us leaving for Alaska and Mike completing the final phases of the change, but then nothing. The vision disappeared, just as before." She let out a frustrated hiss. "What is wrong with me?"

I looked at Jasper, thoroughly confused.

"Alice has been having problems with her visions. Sometimes they're clear and other times they disappear. She didn't see anything that happened after I rescued you from Quil or my conversation with Jake or the outcome of the battle tonight. You've been disappearing for her visions on a regular basis as well, for extended periods of time. And now, it's apparently spreading to Mike."

I was surprised that Jasper had such a complete explanation, but this must have been one of the things they talked about in the clearing. I glanced at Alice again. She was looking down at Mike. I was glad. I didn't want to look her in the eye out of fear she could see my satisfaction. Knowing how much pain her one vision cost me, I was glad Jasper and I were regularly disappearing from them. I could only hope in the future this would become a more regular occurrence.

Suddenly Alice turned to me.

"Well," she said, "I suppose congratulations are in order. I wish I could say that the best woman won, but it was never really a contest. Not that I didn't try to make it one. I did everything I could think of to keep him. But I should have known better. I should have realized that in the end he would always end up with you."

I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.

"What are you talking about, Alice?"

She sighed,

"From the moment I first saw Jasper in one of my visions, I knew he would not stay with me forever."

A deep, menacing growl rumbled from Jasper's chest. "What are you talking about, Alice?" He asked, his voice gravelly.

"Even before we first met, I always knew that we would be together for a finite period of time, and that eventually you would leave me. At first, I couldn't see who you were leaving with. Gradually, as time got closer and closer to our move to Forks, I started seeing more details, but still I never clearly saw any distinguishing features. Once we moved here the visions became even sharper and then, on the day Bella started school, the vision crystallized and I saw the two of you together."

"What?" I asked in disbelief. "You had a vision of Jasper and me together on the day I started school?"

Jasper was no longer growling. I turned to him and noticed that he was dumbstruck.

"From the very beginning you always told me we would be together forever, that you had a vision of us that way. You've been lying to me since the moment we met?"

Alice could not look at Jasper. Instead she turned her body to look through the back windows out into the yard.

"I loved you. I was hoping that if I didn't mention the visions to you, if I didn't plant that idea in your head, I could do something, make some decisions that would change the final outcome."

"But you didn't just not mention the visions, Alice. You affirmatively told me that I would fall in love with you and be with you forever. And I believed you! Our entire relationship has been a lie from the beginning."

"No," she shook her head vehemently and looked back to him, her eyes begging for forgiveness and understanding, "We were always meant to meet in the diner and to find the Cullens and to be together all those years. None of that was a lie."

"And what about the other things? My weakness around humans? The need to monitor me?"

Alice looked down at the floor.

"In the beginning it was all genuine. You were more attracted to human blood than the rest of us and you needed monitoring. There were many near-misses. Later, as you were getting stronger, I started seeing more in the visions and realized that the woman in them wasn't necessarily one of us, that she could have been human, so I may have discouraged you form getting comfortable around humans. I may have exaggerated some of my visions."

"You lied to him to make him feel weak, to keep him under your control and away from humans?" I was absolutely outraged.

"I lied to keep him with me, because for all the times that I exaggerated a vision he could have really slipped. And he could slip again. And he needs someone who would be able to see that in advance."

"No, Alice, he doesn't. Jasper is strong. He is less likely to slip than you or any of the Cullens. He just needs to believe in himself, and to be with someone who believes in him and his strength, instead of convincing him that he has a weakness that doesn't really exist."

"What would you know about it, Bella? Spending a few weeks with him suddenly makes you a Jasper expert? I've been with him for over six decades. I think I know better than you what Jasper needs."

"You don't," Jasper said, his voice hard as steel, "Because in those six decades you never once took the time to get to know the real me. Not the way Bella has. You assumed things about me and you made decisions for me and, like a supreme fool, I let you, because I believed you. I believed the lies. When you told me we were meant to be together forever I had no reason to doubt you, even though deep inside I felt there was something missing. But I thought it was my past with Maria that was bothering me all this time, when all along it was the knowledge that I was with the wrong woman!"

"What about Edward?" I asked Alice. "If I was supposed to be with Jasper, why did Edward get involved with me?"

"Edward," Alice scoffed. "He played right into my hands. As soon as I realized he couldn't read your mind I knew he would find you irresistible. It was never about your blood, Bella, no matter what he told you or anyone else. He would have been able to resist your blood just fine if he only had entry into your vapid little teenage mind. But he couldn't have your thoughts and it drove him mad, so he came up with the whole blood farce because he couldn't admit to anyone, even himself, the frustration he felt at his power being thwarted by a human girl. But, of course, the blood theory was a perfect excuse to keep you and Jasper apart, so I played right along."

"But I thought you were my friend."

"Ever hear the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer,' Bella? You and I were never friends. Oh, you were fun to dress up, like a life size doll, but friends? Please! What could you and I possibly have in common that would make us friends? How could I be friends with a woman whose existence threatened my eternal happiness?"

I shrank into the floor, mortified. Suddenly I understood exactly what Jasper was feeling. We had both been expertly manipulated and we both fell for it, hook line and sinker. I had thought I was being manipulated since Alice's phone call, but it really started from before we even met. It made me feel so incredibly vulnerable and victimized. I wasn't sure I could listen to much more of this.

I looked at Jasper and saw my thoughts reflected in his eyes. But then something changed in his expression, and my back straightened as I absorbed this new feeling of defiance and fortitude. No matter how much it hurt, I needed to hear everything.

"So what happened with James?"

Alice laughed bitterly.

"Ah, yes. James. I had hoped that by delaying telling everyone about James's coven he would take care of things for me and kill you at the baseball game. But I must have misjudged their distance from us, because they arrived too late, and by then we had our defenses ready. I also didn't anticipate everyone being so protective of you, Bella," she looked at me curiously, cocking her head. I threw a glance at Jasper, who gave me a slight 'I told you so' smile.

"So then someone had to take you to Phoenix and, again, I needed Edward to stay in Washington, so that he wouldn't arrive in time to stop James. Since Jasper couldn't read my mind, it was easy to keep your plans a secret from him so that you could escape. But then Edward's plane was early and, once again, my plans were foiled. James had time to bite you, but not drain you."

Jasper started growling menacingly, but Alice didn't look alarmed. "It's all in the past, Jasper. She's still here, isn't she? Very much alive, very much human? We can't change the past, and do you really want to take on the responsibility of raising Mike? Because that's what you'd have to do if you killed me."

Jasper calmed a bit. I saw Mike shift and moan, and I placed my hand over his reassuringly.

"It's okay, Mike. Everything is fine."

"The most interesting thing about Phoenix was how far Edward was willing to go to stop you from turning into a vampire. He was absolutely terrified that once you turned, he would be able to read your mind, and then he would be stuck with you for an eternity without your most appealing quality. I know he gave you that line about your soul but trust me, Edward's MO has always been wanting something he can never have. Once whatever the object of his desire is within reach, he becomes bored with it. So his need to keep you human and unreadable was very strong. To be honest, I didn't know he had that type of self control, and all the way to the end the outcome was unpredictable. He could have killed you just as easily as James, something I would have actually preferred. But he managed to stop himself in the nick of time, and here you still are."

I was absolutely amazed that she could speak about the many times that she wished me dead without any sign of emotion or remorse. It was as if she didn't see me as a person at all, just an obstacle in her path to keeping Jasper with her forever.

"So then I had to find all sorts of ways and reasons to keep you and Jasper apart until the next opportunity to change the future presented itself. I saw the paper cut incident at your birthday party and I made sure there was plenty of glass around to increase the odds of you blood spilling in the aftermath. I also made sure that Jasper was plenty thirsty prior to the party. One of the potential outcomes was that he would have actually gotten to you and killed you but, again, there was that over protectiveness on the part of my family that somehow kept you safe.

"Afterwards I regretted letting the incident go forward. It hurt you so badly," she was speaking directly to Jasper now. "I felt absolutely horrible about the emotional pain you had to endure. Both your own and that of the other family members. I was thrilled when Edward insisted that we leave Forks and Bella behind, but then Carlisle had to suggest that you separate yourself from the rest of the family. I could have killed him! I tried to insist on staying with you but you all wouldn't let me. And so I had to take a risk that I could still find a way to keep you, even from Alaska."

"I saw everything that was going on between the two of you. I kept a careful watch. But I had to keep a distance. I couldn't get too involved or that may have actually driven you away. I had to count on the guilt the two of you would feel about forming a relationship to keep you apart until a different solution came along. And that guilt was stronger if I didn't keep in touch with either of you. Plus, if I didn't talk to you, you couldn't end the relationship," she turned her attention back to me.

"Just when I thought the plan had backfired and that Jasper was going to come out to Alaska to tell me he was leaving me, I saw Laurent heading to Forks and I knew he would be the perfect distraction. I told Jasper, knowing very well that Jasper would not call anyone for help, which meant that he would not be able to catch Laurent quickly and would not be able to leave town. Again, I hoped that Laurent would kill you," she said, looking at me, "Or that you would kill him," she said to Jasper, "and that his death would drive a wedge between the two of you. But then, at the last minute you had to let him go and then you called me. You actually left me over the phone! I couldn't believe it and I knew you did it against Bella's wishes, so I did the only thing I could. I told you both about my vision of you coming to Alaska and used that to separate you."

"So it was a lie. I suspected, but . . .

"No, Jasper, it wasn't a lie. I did see you leaving Bella and coming to Alaska, and it may still happen. I just wasn't certain of the reason, but what could it be other than coming back to me?"

I looked at Jasper in alarm, but he locked eyes with me and shook his head and I calmed instantly. I trusted him. And after hearing Alice's story I knew he would never return to her. She herself admitted all her efforts to hang on to him had failed. I had nothing to fear.

"It worked for a while," Alice continued. "You actually made him leave," she looked at me with disgust, "You stupid, stupid girl! You had him, and you couldn't appreciate him.

"Do you see?" she turned to Jasper. "Do you see how much better I am for you? How much more I value you? How much I'm willing to fight for you where she was just content to walk away?"

Before I could absorb her words and start to doubt myself, Jasper's arms were wrapped tightly around me and his lips were next to my ear.

"Don't even think about it, Bella. Don't even consider letting her poison spread in your mind. None of it is true. You gave me a choice and I made the wrong one. You were right all along. I should have gone to see her. It wouldn't have made any difference except to make you feel more secure."

He pulled me over onto his lap so that my back was towards Alice and I could only see his face. "Please forgive me for letting my pride stand in the way of granting you the only request you ever made of me. I swear I will never make that mistake again."

I heard but ignored Alice's whimper behind me. Instead I used my right hand to push back some of Jasper's hair that had fallen over his eye.

"We both made mistakes, Jasper, but we'll forgive each other and it will help us grow even stronger together. That's what love is all about, right?" I smiled and he returned the smile, kissing the tip of my nose.

"Absolutely," he confirmed. "You, my Darlin', are wise beyond your years." And for a moment, as we were lost in each other's eyes, there were just the two of us in the room, Mike and Alice fading into the background like two inanimate objects.

"You used to look at me that way," Alice broke into our moment.

"No, Alice, I never did," Jasper replied without taking his eyes off mine.

"I don't understand," Alice wailed, and my heard constricted involuntarily at her obvious pain, "I waited for you in that diner until you finally showed up, I led you to a new family, I showed you a way of life where you didn't have to feed on creatures like her, I gave you all of me and stopped you from making countless mistakes, I even took on the responsibility of raising a newborn so that you wouldn't try to do it and get yourself killed by werewolves in the process, and you still choose her over me? What has she ever done for you, Jasper?"

Jasper opened his lips to start explaining, but I silenced him with my index finger and a shake of my head. Alice would never understand the explanation and I already knew what it was and didn't need to hear it. Right now, as awful as she had been to me and as indifferent as she had been about my life, I understood her grief and I knew the only thing that would make her feel better. I turned to face her and leaned towards her, taking her hand in mine.

"Alice, for over six decades you were the right mate for Jasper and you did exactly what you were meant to do. But you knew right from the beginning that he wouldn't stay with you forever, and your attempts to change your own future are what's making you miserable right now. Like you said earlier, Jasper and I were always meant to be together. I understand why you did what you did, because I love him as much as you do, but in trying to change the future you only succeeded in putting off the inevitable and hurting a lot of people in the process, including yourself. It's time to let him go, Alice, and to see your vision for your own future. I know there are some wonderful things up ahead for you. You just have to let yourself see a life without Jasper."

"Why are you telling me this?" she asked me suspiciously. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because even though you may not ever have considered me your friend, I always considered you mine, and this is what I would do for a friend. And because for the next year you're going to be responsible for the care of another friend of mine, and I want to make sure that you are as devoted to that responsibility as you possibly can be, without any distractions, because he knows nothing about this lifestyle and he will need all the help and guidance he can get."

Alice looked down at Mike and her expression softened.

"I will take good care of him, Bella. I meant what I said, I will take my responsibility very seriously. He will never even want to taste human blood."

"I know you will, Alice. I know he's in good hands."

"Hmm," Alice mused, "I guess I lost a mate but gained a newborn on this trip. Won't Rosalie be jealous?" she smiled slightly at her own joke. Given how morose she had been just a few minutes ago, I considered this a good sign.

I wasn't sure what to say next, but I was saved from having to think too hard by the sound of the front door opening. All three of us turned to see Carlisle and Emmett stride into the room. They stopped when they saw us in the living room, assessing the situation.

"Hello Jasper, Bella, Alice," Carlisle said before focusing on Mike. "Let me see how he's doing," he said, walking over to the sofa with his medical bag. Jasper lifted me out of the way and settled us both in the armchair.

"Hey everyone," Emmett said, only somewhat subdued. "I see we missed quite a party. You should air the place out every once in a while – it stinks in here."

**

* * *

**_**The title of this chapter was inspired by the song I Confess**_** by The English Beat. The "cards on the table time" subtitle is from a line in the song, which I thought was particularly appropriate for this chapter. There's a link to the video in my profile.**

**No big cliffhangers and the story is almost done (just 2 chapters to go -- yikes!), plus I have a busy week ahead, so the next update will probably not be posted until this weekend.**

**You know I'm dying to know what you thought of Alice and all her revelations, so please click the green button and leave a review.**


	52. Chapter 52: No Room to Bleed

I am so excited to announce that Golden Moon now has **a video trailer** created by **breenieweenie.** She did a great job of splicing various clips to create a little teaser for the story. You can **find a link in my profile**, so definitely check it out! Or, if you're too lazy to go to the profile, here's the link in the only way I can post it within the story: **www(dot)youtube(dot)com(forwardslash)watch?v=ZOw9uqzKzio** (it's really more of a pain to replace the dots and stuff, so do yourself a favor and just go to the profile -- LOL!)

I'm also excited about a couple of **new award nominations**. Golden Moon was nominated for **The Venom Award – Best Non-Canon Couple** at **the Sparkle Awards**. (voting open now though July 31) and for the **Best During the Series Award** at the **Razzle Dazzle Awards** (voting opens June 30). For more information check out the links in my profile under the Nominations heading.

The poll for Jasper's POV chapters is at the very top of my profile and it is open. Some of you have been voting already and the results are fun to watch. It's a blind poll, though, so you will only be able to see the results when the poll is closed, about a week after I post the last chapter.

**After all the excitement of the last few chapters, I think we're all owed a little calm, so here you go. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 52: No Room to Bleed

Wrinkling his nose in distaste, Emmett continued, "I'd walk over there to give you a hug, Bella, but there's a little too much blood in the air for me."

I looked at him, puzzled, then realized that Mike still had on his bloody clothing. Obviously the scent didn't bother Alice or Jasper, who had just hunted, and Carlisle was so used to human blood he probably didn't even notice, but Emmett was having a problem. He started backing out of the room. I looked to Jasper, silently asking him to carry me over to Emmett. He understood and immediately stood up, complying with my request.

"Be careful with her," he said to Emmett in warning before handing me over carefully to his brother, "she's injured."

I felt a bit like an infant being passed from vampire to vampire and I thought the whole thing was silly. It was just an ankle sprain, for crying out loud. Nevertheless, I appreciated Emmett taking a bit more care then normal as he pulled me in for a hug.

"Missed you, Bella. Things just aren't as much fun without you around."

"I missed you too, Emmett." I said. I turned to say the same to Carlisle and saw he had finished examining Mike.

"He seems to be doing okay. The venom is healing his injuries. You did a great job, Alice. How long do we have before he wakes up?"

Alice shook her head. "I don't know, Carlisle. I can see us driving to Alaska and some of his change, but then the vision disappears.

Carlisle looked at Alice in alarm.

"Disappears?" he asked, "Has this ever happened before."

Alice looked down.

"It's been happening pretty frequently lately with my visions of Jasper and Bella. That's one of the reasons I came here. I saw Jasper heading to battle with Victoria and then he disappeared. I was so afraid . . ."

"You saw Jasper and Bella in a battle with Victoria and you didn't tell us? Didn't you think we would all want to be here to protect Bella?" Emmett asked, obviously confused.

Alice was silent. I glanced at Jasper, whose face revealed his absolute loathing for her.

"Alice hasn't exactly been concerned with Bella's welfare recently," he said darkly. "or ever, for that matter."

The room was suddenly thick with tension. I felt Emmett's arms tightening around me as he protectively pulled me closer. My right knee pressed against his hard bicep and I winced at the pain, eliciting a growl from Jasper.

"I'm fine," I said quickly, noting that he was about to snatch me from Emmett's arms.

Carlisle stood up and walked over to us, his eyes troubled. He noticed the bandage around my foot and ankle and asked Emmett to loosen his hold so he could examine my leg, picking it up gently and rolling up the fabric of my boot cut jeans.

"She thinks she sprained her ankle," Jasper explained. "I wrapped it, gave her Advils, elevated it and applied cold."

Carlisle nodded. "That's exactly right, son. What else?"

"She landed pretty hard on her right knee, but I think it's only scraped and bruised. I put antiseptic cream on it and wrapped it as well."

Carlisle unwrapped the bandages and applied slight pressure to my knee. I winced, though it wasn't too painful.

"You did an excellent job, Jasper. I'm proud of you. You were able to handle the cuts okay?"

Jasper grimaced and I did as well. I forgot that Carlisle knew nothing of Jasper's training and how well he had been doing with his self control.

"I was fine. I hunted before I saw Bella and she had showered so most of the blood was gone. Besides, I would never hurt her." He looked at me warmly and reached over to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear. His hand remained curled around my chin, his thumb stroking my cheek. I leaned into his hand and closed my eyes. When I opened them again moments later, I saw extreme confusion on both Carlisle and Emmett's faces.

"Hey, what's going . . .?" Emmett started to ask.

"Let me finish examining her, Emmett," Carlisle interjected. "Then we have some logistics issues to work out before we can sit down and discuss this new," he looked from me to Jasper to Alice, "development."

In a typical Carlisle fashion, his tone was calm, completely noncommittal and non-judgmental. I had no idea what he was feeling, though I was certain that he had not known anything about me and Jasper before walking into the house tonight. He unwrapped my ankle and manipulated it gently, watching me for signs of pain.

"Can you stand and walk on it, Bella?" He asked, re-wrapping the bandages.

"I haven't tried since the sprain. It buckled immediately after and with Victoria around it seemed prudent not to experiment."

"Can you try for me now?"

Emmett lowered me to the ground and Jasper was instantly at my side, offering his arm for support, which I grabbed gratefully.

"Try to walk normally, without a limp," Carlisle instructed. I did as he asked, leaning heavily on Jasper. The pain was manageable.

"Nothing seems to be broken," Carlisle concluded, "But you should get some crutches to help you walk normally. Now," he said turning back to Mike, "We need to come up with an explanation of what happened that will satisfy his parents and Charlie."

"We could do nothing," Emmett said, "just let them think he ran away."

Carlisle shook his head. "His parents would never stop looking, then. They would never have closure. For all practical intents and purposes Mike is dead to them now, and it would be more kind to let his parents deal with that."

We can take his shirt and get a bear to rip it up even further, then let someone "find" it." Jasper offered. "Everyone will assume that the bear dragged him away. They'll do some searching in the area, but when the body isn't found, everyone will assume he died."

"Yes," Carlisle agreed, "I think that would work."

"I will take the shirt and find a bear," Jasper said.

Emmett grimaced, but did not protest. The bloody shirt was making him uncomfortable.

"Good. Emmett, you can drive to the Port Angeles hospital to pick up some crutches for Bella. I'll call in the order. It's better if we don't make our presence know in Forks."

"Bella, you should go see your father, let him know that you're okay." Jasper said. "Then see if you can find an excuse to spend the night away from your house."

I frowned as I thought of possible reasons not to stay home. Then my face brightened.

"I'll tell him that I'd like to stay at Emily's because of the ankle. He'll be working on the search, so he won't be home to help me. I think he'll go for it."

"Perfect," Jasper smiled at me and leaned over to kiss me quickly. "And you said you were a bad liar."

I answered Emmett's quizzical look with a guilty half-smile. I knew he really wanted to know what was going on between me and Jasper. I saw him throw a furtive glance in Alice's direction. Alice was focused on Mike again, ignoring the rest of us.

"I can come up with the lies. I just can't deliver them very well."

"I have a feeling Charlie will be distracted enough today that you won't have any problems. Let's go see if we can find Jake."

"Jake?" Emmett asked, clearly confused.

"Jacob Black," Jasper answered. "Bella's Quileute friend."

"Ephraim Black's great grandson?" Carlisle seemed to be putting the pieces together. "There are a couple of wolves patrolling the property. I assume they're Quileutes? Alice told us they helped with the newborns, so we assumed they were friendly and we didn't try to engage them."

"They are friendly," I said quickly. "They'll help me find Jake." I started to turn to head outside.

"We'll need to reconvene here later," Carlisle said. "It seems we have things to discuss, son," clearly he was directing his remarks to Jasper.

"I'll be happy to go over everything with you. You need to know the whole truth."

"Is it that serious?" Carlisle asked, thought he resignation in his voice indicated he already knew the answer.

"Yes, Carlisle, it is," Jasper answered curtly.

"All right, you go find Jake. I'll get Mike's clothing."

Jasper picked me up again. I was about to protest when he silenced me with a look.

"It's been way too long since I've had a chance to hold you, Bella. Until you get your crutches this is quicker and easier for you, and truly pleasurable for me, so just humor me, all right, Darlin'?"

Clearly, his logic was irrefutable, even if I had any inclination to argue. And truly, it had been too long and being in his arms felt too good. I felt even better when, as soon as we were out on the porch and out of the Cullens' line of sight, Jasper pulled me into another kiss, this one slow and languid, somehow both sweet and sensual. I let out a small moan and reached up to run my fingers along the side of his face and through his soft, blond waves.

The perfect moment was interrupted by someone clearing his throat. I looked out to find Jake standing close to the porch, his face scrunched tight with anger and disapproval.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice tight. Jasper sighed.

"Bella and I were taking a bit of time to celebrate our reunion . . ." he started to explain.

"I have excellent eyesight, thanks. I meant with Mike and the Cullens. Are they taking him out of town soon? We don't want to have a newborn vampire anywhere near Forks or La Push."

"There's a bit of work to do before they can leave. Emmett is going to drive to Port Angeles to pick up crutches for Bella. In the meantime, I'm going to find a bear and get his teeth on Mike's clothing. We'll have to plant it somewhere plausible and stage a bear attack. I was hoping you could help me with that. The clothes will have to be found, perhaps by Sam or Jared. If we can convince everyone that Mike was dragged off and killed by a bear it will give his parents closure and avoid the need to find a substitute body, which can get kind of messy,"

Jake scowled.

"We'll make sure everyone buys the story. I don't even what to know how you bloodsuckers would go about getting a substitute body."

"Jake!" I chided him for the insult, but I had to agree. I didn't want to know how they would go about getting a substitute body either.

"While I'm out there looking for bears, you and Bella are going to see her dad. She'll tell him she was out searching with you and that's how she sprained her ankle. She'll also tell him that because of the ankle she'll be spending the night at Emily's." Jasper looked down at me, "You'll need to speak with Emily first, Darlin' to make sure she can back up your story, just in case."

"Wait a second," Jake interrupted, "You'll tell Charlie that you're spending the night with Emily and you won't be home, so just where are you planning to spend the night."

"She'll spend the night here, with me."

"Like hell she will," Jake roared. "Over my dead body." He started to shake with anger. I half expected Jasper to respond in kind, but he remained calm and clearly sent some calming feelings to Jake as well, because the shaking slowly subsided.

"She'll be perfectly safe, Jacob," Jasper's voice was cool but measured. "This isn't the first night she will have spent in my arms," Jake bristled and looked at me with a disapproving expression, causing a flush to spread across my cheeks.

"I've always been a gentlemen and I intend to act like one tonight." Jasper continued, "but we need to settle things with my . . ." he hesitated. I could see his internal struggle on how to categorized the Cullens. He finally settled on the word "family, and we don't have a lot of time, so it has to be tonight. They will need to leave soon to make sure they get Mike to Alaska before he is fully transformed."

Jake thought a moment before speaking. "Okay, I'll go along with it as long as I have your word. . ."

"You do," Jasper interrupted, "for tonight. But hear this, Jacob," his voice dropped and suddenly became menacing. "Bella is an adult woman who can make up her own mind as to what she does and does not want to do, so going forward I will be respecting her wishes in all matters between us. I know she's like a sister to you and I know you're trying to protect her. That and her love for you are the only things that are stopping me from ripping you apart for your interference. But if you ever try to get between us without her invitation or if you disrespect her or make her feel bad about herself in any way, those barriers will disappear for me. Understand?"

Jake pulled himself up to his full height and I realized that he was actually taller than Jasper and a lot more muscular.

"I won't disrespect Bella, but if she needs my protection I will get between the two of you without hesitating and without waiting for her invitation. I'm not afraid of you, leech."

As fascinating and flattering it was to watch two of the three most important men in my life squaring off against one another in an effort to show who cared about and respected me more, this wasn't getting us anywhere. I needed to step in, figuratively if not literally, and break up this dispute.

"Jasper, do you think there's a measuring tape in the garage? 'Cause you're both being ridiculous and maybe the easiest way to settle this would be for you guys to just whip 'em out and take stock?"

Jake and Jasper both looked at me in shock, Jake's mouth hanging open. I heard Emmett's guffaws from inside the house, and soon Jasper and Jake joined in. I started laughing too.

"Way to go, Bella," Emmett called. "And if anyone's measuring I want in on it too! I bet I win!"

"Shut up, Emmett," Jasper and I yelled in unison though our laughter.

"Shouldn't you be halfway to Port Angeles by now?" Jasper added.

Emmett stepped out onto the porch.

"I wanted to give you some privacy. Of course, had I known that you all would try to negotiate world peace out here tonight I would have left before you. Hi," he said, holding out his hand to Jake, "I'm Emmett Cullen."

Jake shook his hand reluctantly "Jacob Black."

"Whoa, Dude, you're hot!" Emmett said pulling his hand away. "I meant your temperature," he said quickly and then, after appraising Jake, he added, "though it would work as a general assessment."

"Emmett!" I said, shocked.

"What?" he said looking at me and winking, "Just because I'm straight as an arrow doesn't mean I can't appreciate that wolf boy here is almost as good looking as I am. By the way, nice come back. Way to put these two in their place." He held out his hand, palm facing me, and I clapped mine against his in a high five.

"Though I do have to question your taste in men, little sis. I mean, Edward and Jasper over me and Jacob, here? You sure like 'em scrawny."

Jasper hissed at Emmett in warning and Emmett quickly backed away towards the rental car.

"Take mine," Jasper called after him, tossing him the keys. "It'll be faster. I left it at the end of the driveway near the road."

Emmett caught the keys and ran off down the drive. I was still basking in the glow of Emmett referring to me as his 'little sis' even though by now it was very obvious that Jasper and I were together. I realized I had been so prepared for all the Cullens to hate me, that Emmett's easy acceptance completely took me off guard, in the best possible way.

Jasper looked down on me, sensing my emotions. "He loves you, Darlin', just like Jake does. And he's missed you." He kissed me quickly and then turned his attention back to Jake.

"We're wasting time. You need to take her now and get her back here as quickly as possible," he said, handing me over to Jake. This really was getting ridiculous. I felt like a sack of potatoes. I couldn't wait for Emmett to get back with the crutches.

Jake turned without saying a word and ran for my truck, depositing me in the passenger seat before getting in to drive. As Jasper suggested, we went to La Push first to speak with Emily. When we got there she pulled me into a long, tight hug that felt absolutely wonderful.

"Sam told me about Jasper," she whispered, "but I would have known even if he hadn't, just by looking in your eyes. I'm so happy for you, Bella."

Sam had already filled her in on the fight with Victoria and what happened with Mike, so Jake and I only needed to tell her about the plans for tonight. Emily easily agreed to play along. We paused only long enough for me to eat some banana bread that she had made earlier and for Jake to devour three platefuls of leftover spaghetti and meatballs before heading out to Newton's store to see Charlie.

Despite the late hour, the parking lot was abuzz with activity. The Newtons were popular in town and it was clear that many residents of Forks were here to show their support. There was a tented canopy set up in the parking lot and I could hear Charlie inside speaking with volunteers both in person and through two-way radios. He excused himself when he saw Jake walking with me in his arms and ran over towards us.

"Bells, are you all right? What happened?"

"We were hiking together, looking for Mike, when Bella tripped and sprained her ankle"

Charlie's eyes shifted to my wrapped foot.

"Oh Bells," he sighed, "maybe you should have found a job to do here instead of in the forest."

"I know, Dad, I just really wanted to be out there, looking. And I'm all right. It's just a sprain. Is there any news about Mike?" I asked because I knew it would be expected.

"Nothing yet, but we'll find him. We're abut ready to stop tonight, but we'll start again early in the morning. The Port Angeles police department will bring in search dogs then. That will help. We're doing all we can, Bella."

I remembered that I was supposed to be distraught over the fact that it was my boyfriend who was missing. I deliberately moved my ankle in a way to cause pain and bring tears to my eyes.

"I know, Daddy," I said. "I know everyone is trying." I looked past him and saw Mrs. Newton. I looked around but could not see Mr. Newton. He must have been out searching.

"Dad, with my ankle and all, I was thinking that maybe I should spend the night in La Push, with my friend, Emily? She has a pair of crutches from when her cousin had broken her foot," It was amazing how easily the lies came when it was absolutely necessary, "and her house is all one level, and she'll be home if I need any help. I know you're really busy here and I don't want to distract you from this."

Charlie looked at me, his hand rubbing the back of his neck as he thought.

"All right, Bells. That sounds like a good plan."

"And I probably won't go to school tomorrow. I want to be here and it would be too hard with my foot . . ."

"Sure, kid. I doubt anyone will be doing much studying at school tomorrow anyway."

"Thanks, Dad," I leaned away from Jake's hold to give him a hug. "Are you doing okay? Did you eat?"

Charlie waved his hand dismissively. "The volunteers have been feeding us non-stop."

"Okay, I'm going to talk with Mrs. Newton," I said. "Jake, can you put me down and help me walk over there?" In her state, I didn't think Mrs. Newton needed to see me carried over in the arms of another guy, no matter how innocent it might be. After Jake complied, I hobbled over to her, leaning on him for support.

"Hi Mrs. Newton," I said, gently, when she didn't look up as we approached.

"Bella!" her face was drawn and her eyes were red and puffy. "You're back," She stood up to hug me. "Have you heard anything? Did he try to call you? Was he going somewhere?"

She sounded so desperate and her pain absolutely overwhelmed me. I knew that by this time tomorrow she would be grieving over her son's death. I knew that as far as she was concerned, the son she raised was already dead, lying in the Cullens' living room, slowly transforming into an immortal vampire. I wished there was something I could do to ease her pain, but giving her false hope would be worse than not giving anything at all.

"No. I haven't heard anything and he didn't tell me of any plans. I'm sorry. Jake and I were out searching and I sprained my ankle, so I'm even more useless now," I said, apologetically.

"Oh, no, Bella. But, that's okay. You can stay here with me tomorrow. I'm sure if we spoke with your dad he'd let you skip school."

"I already arranged it," I said, gently. "And of course I will be here tomorrow."

"Oh, Bella, I'm so scared," she said, as she started crying again.

"Me too," I said, and I have never felt so awful in my life. This was her one and only son, a boy who had always stood by me and been my friend, who helped me get through such hard times, and who was now dead to his family and friends because of me. The guilt, pain and loss washed over me and suddenly I was weeping too. We stood together and cried for a long time, Jake standing nearby awkwardly, just in case I needed his support.

Finally we broke apart and wiped our eyes.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I need to get myself together. I know you must be tired form traveling and searching, and you're in pain, too. Go get some rest, sweetheart, and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Are you sure, Mrs. Newton?" I asked, reluctant to leave her even though I knew I should.

"Yes, of course. It's all right. We're almost done here for tonight. There's nothing they can do in the dark. You need to rest. I know this has been hard on you, too. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay," I said and leaned on Jake again. "I'll be back in the morning. Good night."

"Good night."

We walked back to the truck slowly. I wasn't in a hurry, lost in my thoughts of Mike and the grief caused by his friendship with me. And it wasn't just limited to his friends and family. How would he feel about the decision I made for him when he emerged from his transformation alone among virtual strangers, crazed with blood-lust, with an eternity stretching before him. Would he agree that extending his life in the only manner available was the right choice, or would he hate me for not letting him die a natural death?

"Did I do the right thing about Mike, Jake?" I asked as he helped me into the truck.

"I don't know, Bella. I'm wondering the same thing."

We drove back to the Cullen house silently, each pondering the wisdom of our decisions. Finally, Jake turned to me and said "If I was watching you die and the only way to save you would be to turn you into a vampire, I would do it without hesitation, consequences be damned. I think that's how you felt about Mike and that's why I allowed the Cullens to breach the treaty. So I don't know if we did the right thing, but we did the only thing we could do."

He reached over, took my hand in his and squeezed.

"It'll be okay. The Cullens will take care of him. And maybe some day, once he learns to drink animal blood like the rest of them, you can go up and visit."

"Thanks, Jake. You don't know how much I appreciate what you did for me today. And I'm sorry that I make it so hard for you to be my friend."

Jake shrugged.

"If it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it," he said. I was going to respond, but we were pulling up in front of the house and I saw Jasper come out to meet us. He opened the passenger door and pulled me out into his arms.

"We need to have a family discussion now," he told Jake, "but can you come over in a few hours so we can stage the bear attack scene?"

"Sure, sure," Jake said. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll just phase nearby and catch some sleep. Call out whenever you're ready."

I looked at him in alarm.

"You're going to sleep out here? Why not come inside, there are beds. . ."

"No thanks," Jake said, wrinkling his nose, "It reeks of bloodsuckers in there. I wouldn't be able to sleep if I tried."

I sighed. I knew I wouldn't be able to change his mind.

"Be safe," I said.

"I will," he assured me, "and you too. One of the other guys will be here too, running patrols just in case." I had a feeling that statement was as much for Jasper's benefit as for mine. "And when you're ready tomorrow, I'll take you back to the store. You won't be able to drive for a while with that ankle."

"Thanks," I said again, and it seemed so inadequate. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Goodnight, Bells," he said as he got out of the truck and jogged into the forest.

"Alice and I already told them everything while we were waiting for you." Jasper explained after Jake disappeared. I sighed in relief. I really didn't want to listen to everything for a second time."

"How did they take it?" I asked.

He didn't answer, but he gave me a reassuring kiss. "I'll let you find out for yourself," he said and he carried me inside.

Carlisle, Emmett and Alice were waiting for us in the living room. I noticed that someone had re-dressed Mike in clothes that I could only assume belonged to Jasper. Alice was sitting on the sofa now, with Mike's head resting on her lap over a bed pillow. The fingers of her right hand flitted over his face, making random patterns as they barely touched his skin. The fingers of her left hand stroked his hair. Mike writhed in pain silently, his face twisted into a grimace so horrifying, I had to turn away.

Carlisle and Emmett both looked up when we entered the room. Emmett looked a bit shell shocked and angry. Carlisle walked up to us and took my hand in his.

"Bella, I am so sorry for all of the pain my family has put you thought in the past year. Needless to say the actions of some of my children have been a deep disappointment, but I haven't exactly set a good example. I should have never listened to Edward about the family leaving you the way we did. I am deeply ashamed of it, especially after hearing from Jasper what Edward did when he left. We have all hurt you and we should all beg for your forgiveness."

"Some of us more than others," Emmett growled, glaring at Alice.

"When we left, Bella, we thought we were doing it to keep you safe. Clearly we were mistaken, but what was done cannot be undone. We have Mike to think about now, so we have to go back to Alaska and, at least in his first year as a newborn, you will not be able to visit us there. Afterwards, though, I hope you will forgive us and that you will come up to see us. And in the meantime, I know Esme would love to visit you here."

"I'll come with her," Emmett added. "I've missed hanging out with you, Bells. And now that I know you like pinball. . ."

I looked over at him and smiled. "I'm not very good, Emmett. It won't be much of a challenge to beat me."

"Who said I was going to let you play? I was just gonna to let you watch the master!"

"Um . . . I've already seen the master," I said, looking up at Jasper. "And I also figured out a way to make even the best player lose a turn."

Jasper growled at me playfully, knowing I was only joking.

"Hey, no fair with the inside jokes," Emmett complained.

"Bella," Carlisle spoke again, and the jocular atmosphere was gone. "No matter what happens now or in the future, I hope you know that you and Jasper will always be part of our family. And from now on we will always be there for you when you need us. Jasper will add all of our contact information to your phone, so that you can reach any of us anytime you need or want.

"There's obviously not enough time right now to work out all of the difficulties between us, but I hope in time we'll all be able to come to terms with one another the way a family should."

I looked at Carlisle and saw that he was sincere. I was grateful that he didn't seem to hold anything against me or Jasper, and that he still considered us part of the family, but I really wasn't sure Jasper and I were ready to be as forgiving as we would both have to be in order to re-join the Cullens. I looked up at Jasper and, as I suspected, his face was tightly drawn. He didn't look at all ready to make nice.

"I really appreciate that, Carlisle," I said cautiously. "Jasper and I will have to discuss how we want to proceed. But, as you pointed out, with Mike being a newborn we don't really have to come to any conclusions for at least another year. For now, just please take good care of Mike. He is one of my closest friends and I hate the fact that he was hurt because of me. I know with your help he can experience the best of the vampire world, so please, help make his transition as smooth as possible."

"Of course, Bella. We will do everything we can to make him comfortable in his new life. And speaking of that, I was thinking," he looked at Jasper. "With the exception of Edward, each time we welcomed a new member to the family we had Edward's mind reading abilities to help us with training. Now Edward is away and Alice seems to have lost her power as well, and we really could use some help. Your power and your experience with training newborns would prove invaluable, Jasper. Would you consider coming back with us to Alaska to help train Mike?"

Jasper took a step back. His hold on me tightened and his face turned hard with anger.

"I know you haven't forgotten what I told you earlier this evening, Carlisle. Bella and I have just been reunited today. There is no way I'm going to leave her to go to Alaska with you and . . . his creator," his voice was cold and full of contempt.

"We'll be okay by ourselves, Carlisle," Emmett added, and for once I knew it wasn't just his natural arrogance and self-confidence talking. He was trying to help Jasper and me stay together. "Between the five of us we can handle one newborn, even without any special powers."

"Of course," Carlisle retreated. "I simply thought it might be easier. But, of course we can manage without you."

I glanced over to the sofa where Mike was still silently writhing in pain. I didn't want Jasper to leave just as we found our way back to each other, but I owed it to Mike to make his transition as easy as possible, and Jasper had both the experience and special ability to make that happen. I couldn't be selfish about this. I had to ask him to help.

"Jasper," I whispered, looking up at him, "We have our whole life to be together, but Mike will only go through this once. Would you consider going up to Alaska for a little while, just to teach Carlisle and Alice what you know, so that Mike can have an easier time with this? It's bound to be pretty crazy here over the next few weeks anyway, with the funeral and mourning and all. It would be difficult to find time to be together anyway, especially since I can't drive with this ankle. Maybe this is exactly the right thing?"

He didn't look convinced, but I could see his resistance was lower now.

"Please, Jasper?" I couldn't believe I was asking him to leave me again, but I knew this was the right thing to do for Mike.

"Please, Jasper, go to Alaska to help, and then come back to me." As soon as the words left my lips our eyes locked together in shock and I knew we had just had the same thought. I had said such similar words to him before. It was Alice's vision coming true. Jasper would go to Alaska, but it wasn't to be with her, it was to help with Mike. Suddenly it all made sense. Recognition dawned on Jasper's face. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then opened his eyes and turned to Carlisle.

"All right, I will go to Alaska to help. But I'm not leaving with you tonight – I need to spend a little more time with Bella and to set up the bear attack scene with Jake. I will be there by the time he wakes up, though. Also, I will stay for a limited time, only until the rest of you have a good grasp on how to handle him," he looked back to me. "And I will come back instantly if at any point you need me, Darlin'."

"And you," he said, looking at Alice who suddenly looked up at us. "Consider Bella and me off limits. Don't try to look into our futures and if you have any more visions involving either of us, keep them to yourself. We're not going to play your games anymore. Stay away from us and maybe we can all stay civil for Carlisle and Esme's sake."

Alice looked away again. I knew Jasper's words had hurt her, but I agreed with him wholeheartedly. The last thing I needed in my life was Alice calling to tell me of her visions. One experience with that had been enough to last me a lifetime.

"Thank you, Jasper," Carlisle said quietly and he placed his hand on Jasper's shoulder to gave it a squeeze. "I know how much of a sacrifice you and Bella are making and I really appreciate it. So will Mike, though probably not for a while. We'll leave right now, while Emmett can still carry him over the border in the dark. We will wait for you in Alaska."

"Carlisle?" I asked. "Do you think before you leave I could have a moment with Mike? He can hear me if I talk to him, right?"

"Yes, he can, and of course you can have a moment with him, Bella."

Without being asked, Jasper carried me over to the sofa and set me down on the floor near Mike's head. He glared at Alice until she got up and the four vampires left the house to give us some privacy. I kept my voice low, though I had a feeling that wouldn't be enough. I stroked his face as I spoke.

"Hey, Mike, it's Bella. I know this is so painful for you, but I swear it will get better. You might not remember this or me when you wake up, but I'm sending Jasper with you, and he will make sure that the Cullens know exactly what to do to help you. You'll be a vampire, Mike, an immortal. But you won't kill people. You'll live on animal blood and over time you will get stronger and you'll be able to interact with humans too. And then I will come up to visit. Or maybe by then I will be a vampire too and we'll be able to hunt and run together.

"I'm going to miss you so much, Mike. I'll miss reading with you at lunch and hanging out after school. I'll do what I can to help your parents. I know they will miss you horribly. They can't know that you're a vampire, so we'll have to convince them that you died. But I will try to be there for them.

"I'm so sorry that you got dragged into all this because of me. Believe me, if I could change any of this, I would. If I could save your human life, I would. I tried to trade my life for yours, but Victoria, well, you heard her yourself. She lied. She never intended to let you go.

"I owe you so much, Mike. But all I have to give you is my friendship, forever, and Jasper for a little while, to help you in your hardest days. I won't be able to see you for a while, but I will call and, if you want to, you can always talk to me that way."

Mike had calmed while I spoke to him, and the expression on his face was now almost peaceful. I lifted myself to my knees, ignoring the pain, and leaned over him to place my lips over his still human ones in the briefest and lightest of kisses.

"_'Now cracks a noble heart_," I whispered. "_Goodnight, sweet Prince_.'"

Then I sat back down and called for Jasper. He and Emmett came in to pick up Mike and me. Emmett carried Mike and his pillow to the back seat of the rented SUV where Alice was already waiting. They settled Mike so that he was as comfortable as possible. Emmett turned to hug me and promised to visit again soon. Carlisle hugged me as well. Then they too got into the SUV and drove away, leaving just me and Jasper in front of the house.

**

* * *

**

The title of this chapter comes from the song of the same name by Ben Lee. There's a link in my profile (the latest song link is always at the bottom of the profile). **Bella's farewell to Mike is a quote from Shakespeare's **_**Hamlet.**_

**I know this was a bit of a filler chapter, but I couldn't just bring Emmett and Carlisle in and send them out without giving them a little narrative. The next chapter will still be the last one, but because this went a bit longer than I initially planned, I might do an epilogue. In the meantime, let me know what you think. Did this chapter measure up?**


	53. Chapter 53: Keep Breathing

**I apologize. I had really intended to have the final chapter completed by now, but things got really busy this week and it was not possible. I tried to decide whether it was better to delay posting altogether or to split the final chapter into two parts, and decided to go with the split. So instead of the epilogue, there will be one more final chapter, hopefully posted some time this weekend. Again, I'm truly sorry for the delay.**

**A big thanks to Meg, Chel and Rora for helping to preview this chapter. I really appreciate your feedback! And I added a couple of small things, so it may be worth your while to skim it for the new parts. **

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

* * *

**Chapter 53: Keep Breathing (Never Let Me Go)**

When the SUV was gone Jasper turned and carried me back into the house. He didn't pause in the living room, but carried me straight back to Carlisle and Esme's bedroom, drawing back the covers and depositing me on their bed. He knelt beside the bed so that his face was level with mine and kissed me. The kiss was firm and possessive, but when I tried to place my arms around his neck to pull him closer he stopped me and pulled back.

"Not yet, Darlin'," he said. "Let me get you some water and more Advil and something to sleep in. I'll be right back."

I didn't want him to leave, not even for an instant, but the throbbing in my ankle let me know that the medication was wearing off, so I didn't protest. He was back in a few minutes. He handed me a glass of water and pills, which I accepted and swallowed readily. He then gave me one of his T-shirts and left the room so that I could change. The T-shirt was roomy and came down to my mid-thigh, a fairly respectable length for a make-shift night gown. I pulled the covers over my lower half as an additional layer of protection and called Jasper. He came in carrying the crutches, which he leaned against the bedside table on my side of the bed, and some throw pillows from the living room. He lifted the bed covers and my feet and used the pillows to elevate my right foot. Still without saying anything, he turned off the light and crawled into bed beside me, staying on top of the covers. Touching me only through the covers he turned me so that I was on my side, my foot still elevated, and pulled me as close to him as the cover would allow. He buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply. We both sighed.

"I can't believe I finally have you back in my arms only to have to leave you again." he said, not bothering to hide his frustration. "I swore to myself that if I was ever lucky enough to be in this position again, nothing could tear me from your side. And yet here I am, about to break that vow less than 24 hours after I got you back."

I flipped over to lay on my other side, facing him, using my folded left arm to support my head while I reached up to touch his face with my right hand.

"I know the timing is horrible and I hate the thought of you leaving, but without Alice and Edward's powers the family will have a harder time handling Mike and, after everything that's happened, I owe it to him to make sure that his transition is as painless as possible. I know how big of a sacrifice you're making for me to do this, and I will always be grateful."

He shook his head.

"I don't want you to feel like you owe me anything for doing this, even gratitude. I'm not going to pretend that I'm looking forward to going to Alaska and living with the Cullens again, but I owe Mike too. If he hadn't been in that clearing today things may have turned out very differently. Victoria may have waited for you to come back to grab you, and then you wouldn't have been able to call me and . . ." he shuddered.

"He did more than just play victim, Jasper. Even though she had already hurt him, he tried to help Laurent to stop Victoria from capturing me. He actually charged her, Jasper . . ." It was my turn to shudder as I recalled the sound of Mike's human body connecting with Victoria's marble-like frame.

"Then I owe him even more than I realized," Jasper said, "and since this trip will be payback of my debt to him, you owe me nothing. But even though I know it's something I must do for him, I still hate leaving you right now." He leaned in and placed his lips against my forehead.

"You know I hate the thought of you leaving too, but even if you stayed it would be nearly impossible for me to see you for quite some time except at night, in secret. Everyone thought that Mike and I were dating and in respect to him and his parents I have to go through some sort of a mourning period before moving on to another guy. Plus, with my ankle, I can't drive, so I wouldn't be able to come out and see you here. How long will you stay in Alaska?"

Jasper's brow furrowed. "No longer than necessary, but newborn vampires are notoriously hard to control, so it will take a while to teach the Cullens how to handle him and it would probably be best if I conducted some of the initial training myself. It may take up to a month," he looked at me with concern, undoubtedly wondering if I was going to object to the extended duration. I wasn't upset, though, a plan already forming in my mind.

"A month might be perfect, Jasper. Mike and I had only been seeing each other for about that long, so a longer mourning period shouldn't be required. Maybe we could ask Esme to pretend that Alice invited me to spend New Year's with the Cullens. I'm sure Charlie would agree to let me go. Then we can spend the New Year here and you can come back with me afterwards and we can tell everyone that we fell in love while I was visiting Alice. It would be perfect!"

"And highly ironic," Jasper pointed out.

The irony that we were using Alice as the supposed catalyst for our relationship was not lost on me either, but in so many ways it was both the truth and a sort of poetic justice. I looked to Jasper to see what he thought of the plan.

"I'm going to hate being away from you for so long, but I like your strategy, not the least because it will finally let me pronounce my love for you publicly."

I grinned with anticipation. I wanted nothing more than to finally be able to stop sneaking around and let everyone know that Jasper and I were together.

"We would still have to explain why you'd be living in Forks instead of with your family," I mused, getting more and more excited.

"Well, beyond the obvious reason of wanting to be close to you, we could tell them what you already told Angela, that I hated LA and that there were some family issues that made me want to live elsewhere for a while."

"Everyone at school knew you and Alice were together, so if you and I started dating it would make sense that you would no longer be able to live in the same house as her," I added.

"See, Darlin'? Everything is coming together perfectly."

"It is, isn't it?" I closed my eyes and allowed myself to bask in the moment. "It's like you said before, we were meant to be together."

Jasper leaned over and placed his cool lips against my neck, "Much as I hate to be the one saying 'I told you so . . .'" he said, looking up at me through his eyelashes.

"I should have believed you," I sighed, as I arched my back and tilted my head away to give him better access to my neck.

"And I should have kept my word," his lips moved up over mine to silence my protest until he felt me yield, "but we don't have to talk about all that now."

"No," I said, moving my lips along his jaw line, "talking's highly overrated." I shifted myself higher, using my elbow for support. My lips reached his ear and I sucked on his earlobe before moving higher to flick my tongue gently against the opening to his ear canal.

"Bella," he groaned and turned his head so that our lips were joined again, both of us leaving them slightly open, the tips of our tongues just barely touching, tasting, flirting. I realized that he was waiting for me, so I slowly moved my tongue further into his mouth, sending it on an exploration while carefully avoiding the points of his sharp and venomous teeth. He opened his mouth wider and purred his pleasure, the slight vibrations triggering an instant reaction in me that felt like the constriction of all my muscles and blood vessels. I became bolder, pressing myself against his chest as I deepened the kiss. I weaved the fingers of my right hand tightly into the hair on the back of his head, and used the additional leverage to press my lips even harder against his. Both of us moaned in unison against each other.

And then, without breaking contact, Jasper was pushing me back gently so that I now lay flat on the bed with him leaning over me, and it was his turn to take control of the kiss. My heart raced and my breaths came rapidly as I became lost in the sensations. I was no longer thinking, just feeling, and the feelings were absolutely glorious. I knew with every fiber in my body that for as long as I lived nothing would ever feel as good as being with Jasper.

Eventually the pressure of his lips eased and the kiss became less consuming. I opened my eyes to find him watching me, his own eyes dark despite the recent hunt. He pulled his head away to speak.

"You're so beautiful," he said quietly, "but never more so then when you're lost in my kiss. I needed to have that image seared in my mind so that I can go over it again and again while I'm in Alaska."

I frowned. "Why does that sound like you're stopping us from going further?"

He chuckled. "Probably because that's exactly what I'm doing. I promised your self-appointed guardian out there that I would be a gentleman tonight, and I intend to keep that promise."

I stuck my lip out into a pout. "You should have talked to me before you made that promise."

"Yes, that would have been preferable," he acknowledged, "but you know there wasn't an opportunity to do so. Besides, even if we had talked about this before we ran into Jake, my conclusion would have been the same. We've both had a horrifying and emotionally draining day. You're exhausted and injured. We haven't even had a chance to properly talk since we got back together. And in a few hours I have to arrange the scene of Mike's death and then go off to Alaska for a month. This is hardly the optimal time for us to move our physical relationship to the next level, and I'm afraid that's exactly what could happen if I allowed myself to keep going tonight."

I turned away. Everything he said made sense, but I still felt left out. I knew it was irrational. There really had not been any time for us to discuss this and if Jasper hadn't said what he said to Jake there was a chance that their argument would have escalated, which was the last thing I wanted. But I couldn't help feeling like I should have been part of the discussion, not just the subject. Then I remembered that Jasper made it clear to Jake that after tonight my wishes would determine what did or did not happen, and I felt a little better.

Jasper lowered his forehead to my cheek and moved his head back and forth, the tip of his nose brushing gently against my chin. Then he pulled away again, and flipped his body so that he was sitting facing me and the headboard. I looked at him, confused. He reached down for my shoulders and pulled me us so I was sitting as well. He piled up pillows behind me so that I could lean back against the headboard and be comfortable. I watched him, feeling like something important was about to happen, but not having a clue what it was. My unease increased when he took my hands in his and looked straight into my eyes.

"I love you, Bella. I love everything about you. I love your strength, compassion, selflessness, intelligence, sense of humor. . .and yes, I love your body. And I want you the way I've never wanted a woman before," he shifted his eyes to the side for a moment. "God, if you only knew . . .," he looked back at me before continuing.

"But I also want to do this right. There is no need to rush. You're still human. You're still fragile."

I rolled my eyes and looked away. I'd heard this argument from a vampire before. I felt him squeeze my hands and looked back at him.

"And that just means we have to be more careful. Go slower. Take it one step at a time. Kind of like my bloodlust training, remember? It may not be necessary. I may have enough control now. But I can't take that risk. Not with you. Do you understand?"

I nodded slowly, remembering those first weeks when he had kept his distance. When the slightest physical contact, like my touching his hand, rattled him. Even if I was certain that he would not hurt me, I shouldn't be rushing him. He was right. We had forever. I needed to be more patient and understanding.

"And Bella?"

I looked back up at him.

"It's not just me, Darlin'. I can feel what you're feeling, you know. Sometimes, you're totally ready, but most often you have doubts, you're hesitant. Which is totally natural," he hastened to add when he saw me cringe, "given our rather unconventional and relatively brief relationship."

I cocked my head at him. "Unconventional? Whatever could you mean?"

He laughed in obvious relief that I hadn't been offended by what he said, then kissed the knuckles on both of my hands.

"Anyway, we have the time to do this the way it's supposed to be done. Go on dates, spend time together, get to know each other," his eyes darkened and his voice got huskier, "base by base."

I flushed inside and out at his suggestive tone. The things this man could do to me with just a few words! Maybe he was right? Maybe I wasn't ready for a full blown Jasper seduction. Heck, I could barely handle being in the same room with him without feeling like a tween fangirl when he spoke like that. Add a gentle touch or kiss and I'd be completely over the edge. It was better to take it slower, let me get more comfortable, feel more confident.

"So, what do you say?"

And with that I was undone. Despite the fact that everything he said made all the sense in the world and that he was clearly right, and that he must have felt my total agreement with everything he was saying, he still asked. I still had a say. I was completely overwhelmed with love and with the sense of being exactly where I belonged, with the person that I was meant to be with, forever.

"Bella?"

I withdrew my hands from his to support myself as I swung my legs around and, despite the slight pain, lifted myself to my knees and leaned over to kiss him.

"I say I love you, Jasper Whitlock, and I'm looking forward to getting to know you," I kissed him again, "base," another kiss, "by," and another, "base."

And as my lips touched his one last time he pulled me to him and proceeded to teach me everything I ever wanted to know about first base.

Later that night, after I had fallen asleep in his arms, he met up with Jake and they staged the scene of the bear attack for Sam to find the next day. He was back with me when I woke up with a fresh set of clothes that he picked up at my house while I was sleeping. After I was showered, dressed and re-medicated we said our final good byes and he handed me off to Jake, with money and instructions for Jake to feed us both before we went back to Newtons'. He reminded me to call him and then he was off to spend a month with his once and perhaps future family.

The next month was at best difficult, at worst excruciating. Jake and Jasper staged the attack well, so no one questioned the story that Mike had been killed and dragged off by a bear. It would have been easy for me to feign grief, because I did grieve for the death of my human friend, had it not been for my daily conversations with the newly created vampire. Mike needed nearly constant handling. Jasper and the rest of the family were quite beside themselves at his utter unpredictability, mood swings and aggression. Jasper calmed him down as best he could and attempted to teach him control and self-discipline, but he was having a harder time than he had with other newborns. Apparently the only thing that calmed Mike down besides Jasper's power was my voice, and so I spent each lunch hour on the phone with him reading him the latest books by his favorite authors and more time on the phone each evening just talking to him about anything and everything, especially what was going on in Forks. It seems that unlike most newborns, Mike actually retained a great deal of his human memories, and he wanted to know more about his past human acquaintances than anyone suspected he would.

Mike's funeral was a somber affair, with the whole town of Forks as well as many people from La Push showing up in full force. Only a small number of people could actually fit into the church for mass, so outdoor speakers were set up for the people gathered outside. Despite the cold weather, there was a large crowd. Even more people showed up at the cemetery.

Charlie and I sat with the Newtons both in church and at the cemetery. Even though we were not technically family Mrs. Newton had insisted, and neither one of us had the heart to deny her. The Newtons each spoke at the cemetery, recalling their favorite moments with Mike. I spoke as well, and while delivering the eulogy was difficult, composing it had been easy. I may not have loved him romantically, but Mike and I had grown close and developed a bond strong enough that I could write a completely honest and heartfelt goodbye.

Other students from Forks High School spoke as well. Tyler and Ben each spoke about their friendship with Mike, and Jessica delivered a very poignant farewell. I felt the worst for her, because I knew how much she had liked Mike, and it must have been horrible for her to know that now that love would forever be unrequited.

For many days after the funeral I spent much of my time with the Newtons, either at the store or at their house. We didn't really talk much. Mrs. Netwon spent a lot of time going trough photos of Mike. Eventually, about a week before Christmas, she asked me to help her to pack up Mike's room. She instructed me to keep anything I wanted, so I packed up some books and personal mementos to deliver to Mike later, when I was finally able to see him. I tried to return his class ring to her, but she insisted that I keep it, so I put it in the box for Mike along with the rest of his things.

When I wasn't with the Newtons or at home talking with Mike, I hung out with Ben and Angela. Both of them knew that my relationship with Mike had not been real, so it was easier to be around them, but the three of us still felt a lot of grief for the loss of our good friend.

Sundays were my days of refuge from Forks, as Charlie and I went back to having breakfast with Billy and Jake at La Push. After breakfast, Jake and I would hang out in the garage and talk while he worked on his car. I finally had a chance to explain my sham "relationship" with Mike, as Jake had been thoroughly confused that day in the clearing about why I was so quick to declare my love for Jasper after Mike had been bitten by Alice. He shook his head in wonder at the lengths we went to simply to avoid having to ward off unwanted advances, but didn't criticize too much, saving all of his negativity for my relationship with Jasper.

"Seriously, Bells," he asked on more than one occasion, "Why him? Why not a human?"

I should have been annoyed, but I knew he was only looking out for me and acting out of prejudices against vampires that had been ingrained in his genes for centuries.

"Jasper is perfect for me and you can't help who you love, Jake," I answered patiently.

"Don't I know it," he huffed one day. "If I could think of you as anything but a sister, I'd try to seduce you myself just to keep you away from him."

I looked over at him in shock.

"You can't be serious!" I exclaimed.

"What?" he asked "I'm a good looking guy, pretty smart, handy, funny, strong enough to keep you safe – I'd make a damn good match for you."

"I think it's your modesty that would've won me over in the end," I said sarcastically. "And was I going to have any choice in the matter?"

"Oh yeah, 'cause if I really turned on the charm you would have been able to resist," he smirked.

"I'm not sure there's enough charm in the universe to make me think of you that way, Jacob Black. I think of you as a brother, for crying out loud."

He hung his head.

"Yeah, I know. Like I said, that's my problem too."

He looked so dejected I couldn't help but run my fingers through his closely cropped hair.

"I appreciate the thought, Jake, no matter how warped, but I don't need saving from Jasper. He loves me. He would never hurt me."

He turned his head and looked at me from the corner of his eye.

"I guess deep down I know that, but I'm still scared for you. Scared of what you might be considering . . ."

I stayed silent. We both knew what he was alluding to, and I was not going to go anywhere near the subject willingly. No matter what his suspicions might be, I didn't need to confirm them to Jake, especially when there was a chance of a completely irrational reaction on his part, not to mention feelings of anger, pain and betrayal. There would be plenty of time to tell him later, when the time for my change finally arrived.

The men spent Sunday afternoons watching sports at the Clearwaters' while I hung out with Emily. I told her about our plans for Jasper's return and was glad to hear that she approved. I also told her about the discussion Jasper and I had on our last night together, and she approved of that too.

"He's being responsible, Bella, and sensitive to your needs. I mean, how much experience do you have, exactly?"

I blushed. It's been a long time since Renee and I had "the talk," and I really haven't spoken with anyone about this subject since then.

"Not a lot," I admitted. "Edward would barely kiss me, he was always so afraid of losing control. Don't get me wrong, the kissing was great, but he would always stop me if I tried . . . well, let's just say he was more disciplined than I wanted him to be."

Emily raised an eyebrow and her lips lifted in a knowing smile.

"And Jasper?"

"Well, um, Jasper isn't as reserved. The kissing is more intense," I thought back to the kiss on the beach, before Alice's phone call ruined everything. "Really intense."

Emily's eyebrows drew together and she turned her head, puzzled. I felt myself turning an even brighter shade of red.

"Oh!" she exclaimed suddenly, "And he didn't. . . ?"

I shook my head. "It was just a really hot kiss."

"Lucky girl!" she said and smiled. "I hope you appreciate how rare that is."

"It is?" I asked, curiously. I didn't' think it was that common, but I honestly didn't know.

"Um . . . yeah!" She was laughing now. "He must be really something."

I didn't think it was possible for me to get any redder than I felt right now.

"Yes, he is." I said quietly, not looking at her.

"Hey," she said playfully, "It's nothing to get embarrassed about. I think it's great. I mean, with kisses like that you can really afford to take your time."

"But what if I don't want to take my time?" I asked her, hesitantly. "I mean, I'm over 18. I'm a woman. I don't want to wait too long."

Emily shifted closer to me on the sofa and put her arm around me.

"You know, there's nothing wrong with waiting, Bella. Sometimes we rush things, convince ourselves that we're ready to do things we're not really ready to do. But it's not a race against time. These experiences that we're rushing to aren't going anywhere. And in your case, with Jasper, with all the harm he can cause if his control slips just a little, it makes all the more sense for you to be patient, take a little extra time, concentrate more on the kissing," she laughed again. "Oh, honey, if I were you and he was amenable, I'd be doing a lot more kissing."

"Emily!" I complained. The way she was teasing she almost made me regret telling her. Thankfully, she understood.

"I'm sorry, Bella. All I mean is that you have lots of time and you should enjoy the journey as much as the destination. Stop and see the sights along the way, enjoy the scenery."

I giggled. I certainly had nothing against sites and scenery.

"Glad you liked the metaphor," Emily said with a smile. "Do you understand what I'm saying? If Jasper wants to be a traditional, for goodness' sake let him, at least for a while. He's a mature man with mature needs and believe me, he wouldn't be trying to slow things down unless he really felt it was in your best interest. There's always time to pick up the pace later."

"Thanks, Emily," I said and looked down at my hands. "I suppose considering I have no idea what I'm doing, slowing down is not the worst thing."

Emily took a deep breath. "Right, no idea what you're doing. I forgot about that part. Well . . ."

Emily and I continued to talk for some time, and at the end I didn't feel quite as ignorant as I did at first. Before I left that afternoon I made her promise not to say a word about our conversation to Sam, and she readily agreed. We both realized that if Sam knew what we talked about Jake would know as well, and neither of us wanted to know how he would react to even the possibility of me doing some of the things Emily and I had discussed. For that matter, Emily said Sam would probably feel the same as Jake. So I was fairly certain that my private discussion would remain private, as Emily and I both laughed at the fact that a wolf could keep nothing from his imprint, but the imprint did not have to share everything with the wolf.

I didn't pay as much attention in school as I should have, but my grades didn't suffer, since most of the teachers seemed to go out of their way to cut me slack due to what happened to Mike. I would have felt guilty, except that most of the reasons why I didn't have time to study harder had to do with Mike. Still, I was glad when finals were over and we were out for winter break. I hoped everything would be back to normal when we returned in January.

Christmas was a quiet holiday. Charlie got a small tree and we decorated it with a box of ornaments and lights he had stored in the garage. Many of the ornaments were hand made by me when I was younger, back when Renee believed store-bought gifts were too materialistic and insisted that we dabble in arts and crafts instead. I didn't enjoy making the ornaments at the time, but now they brought a certain sense of nostalgia.

Jake and Billy came over for Christmas Eve dinner, and we exchanged presents. Everyone got Billy and Charlie new fishing lures, so the two were well equipped for the next fishing season. Jake had carved me a beautiful little wooden wolf figurine which hung from an adjustable leather chord that I promptly hung around my neck. I gave Jake a metal figurine which I commissioned specially for him from a Colorado artist I found on the internet. The figurine was of a wolf with a collar from which hung two small bells. Charlie wondered out loud why I had given Jake a figurine of a sheepdog, but I merely shrugged and said I thought he'd like it, as Jake, Billy exchanged knowing smiles.

Charlie and I ate breakfast Christmas morning together and exchanged our presents. Then Charlie went to la Push to watch sports while I, for once, found myself alone, finally able to spend some quality phone time with Jasper.

Although Jasper and I talked every night, our conversations were usually brief due to his need to continually monitor Mike. But, as always, he found the perfect song to sing to me while he was away, so each night before I fell asleep I'd hear:

I_ thought that the world had lost its way  
then I fell in love with you  
and you took that away  
you take away the old  
show me the new  
and I feel like I can fly  
when I stand next to you  
so what if I'm on this phone  
a hundred miles from home  
I take the words you gave  
and send them back to you_

_I only want to see  
if you're ok when I'm not around  
asking if you love me  
I love the way you make it sound  
calling you to see  
do I try too hard to make you smile  
to make you smile_

_I will keep calling you to see  
if you're sleepin' are you dreamin' and  
if you're dreamin' are you dreamin' of me  
I can't believe  
you actually picked...me_

Of course, he always knew if I was sleeping and dreaming since, as before, we stayed on the phone all night long, so he could hear me talk in my sleep. In the morning I'd wake and we'd talk briefly before I hung up to start my day. It was a tenuous connection, but it was there every night, and I absolutely cherished it.

On Christmas day all the Cullens had taken Mike out to hunt so that Jasper and I could talk about his upcoming return. Earlier in the month both Esme and Alice had called Charlie to ask permission for me to visit them in Los Angeles for New Year's. Esme had assured Charlie that it was no problem and that a plane ticket had already been reserved for me at the airport. Charlie was a little concerned about me seeing Edward, but relaxed when Esme told him that Edward himself was visiting an out of state friend for New Year's, and would not be around. To complete the rather elaborate cover story, Ben and Angela would drive me to the airport on their way to spend a day in Seattle. Jasper who, in thanks for everything they had done for me since the Cullens left Forks, had arranged and paid for a whole day of Seattle activities for Ben and Angela, culminating with dinner at the Space Needle rotating restaurant, was going to meet me at the airport. We would then travel back to Forks, unnoticed, and spend the New Year alone together at his house. After not seeing him for a whole month, spending a few days by ourselves sounded absolutely heavenly.

"I can't believe I'll see you in three days," I said as we finished planning when and where to meet at the Sea-Tac Airport.

"The longest three days of my life," he replied.

On the morning of December 28, Ben and Angela picked me up as planned and drove me to the airport. As far as they and everyone else in Forks was concerned, I was getting on a flight to Los Angeles. Instead, I quickly made my way form the departure gates to arrivals, and exited the airport to find Jasper waiting for me. Just the sight of him was enough to make me giddy. When he pulled me into his arms to kiss me I nearly melted.

Once we were in the car, I settled in to watch him drive. It was everything I remembered, and I was enjoying myself thoroughly. Jasper reached over to the stereo and turned it on. Sounds of guitar filled the air.

"I've been listening to this song every day since I left Forks after the night of Mike's party." Jasper said quietly. "I'm so glad I can finally play it for you and mean it." He started singing along with the song:

_I'd give it all, I'd give for us  
__Give anything but I won't give up  
_'_Cause you know, you know, you know  
__that I love you, I have loved you all along  
__And I miss you, been far away for far too long_

"Jasper," I whispered. He stopped singing and reached for my hand, bringing it up to his lips for a kiss. He kept holding it as he went back to the singing.

_So keep breathing, 'cause I'm not leaving you anymore  
__Believe it, hold on to me and never let me go._

"How did I get so lucky?" I asked when the song was over, my eyes slightly moister than before.

"I've been asking my self the same thing, " he said.

I turned to the front to look at the road and noted that we were not driving in the direction of Forks.

"What's going on, Jasper?" I asked, trusting him completely but curious as well.

"A slight change in plans, Darlin'," he said. "I hope you don't mind, I arranged a little surprise."

**

* * *

**

**The song that Jasper sings to Bella while he's in Alaska is _Calling You_ by Blue October. Thanks so much to Calliope Jones for suggesting that song way back when – I bet you thought I forgot? LOL! The song Jasper sings in the car (and also the inspiration for the chapter title) is **_**Far Away**_** by Nickleback. There's a link in my profile to both songs.**

**Don't forget the poll on which chapters I should write from Jasper's POV is now open. You can find it at the top of my profile page. It will remain open for seven days after I post the last chapter. As I said before, I will write at least the top 3 chapters chosen by the readers. **

**Again I apologize for not having quite enough time to complete what was to be the last chapter as for you by today. It has been a very busy week, but I think psychologically I'm having a hard time letting these characters go, too. Anyway, since I'm stringing out the torture, I thought I'd make an offer. If there is a question you have about Golden Moon, go ahead and post it in your review. Then, after I upload the last chapter, I'll do an Author's Note with as many answers as I can reasonably fit in. However, I'll only answer questions that fit within the time frame of Golden Moon or before – not the future ;-). So if you've ever wondered why any of the characters did what they did or what they thought, or have a question about why I wrote something the way I did, now is the time to ask. **

**And even if you don't have any questions, please leave a review!**


	54. Chapter 54: It All Revolves Around You

**Four months after it all began, here it is – the last chapter! My apologies to everyone who commented on Chapter 53. In an effort to finish this and post is as soon as possible, I wasn't able to reply to the reviews. I may still do so later, but if I can't please know that I appreciated all of your comments! **

**As usual, I have a lot to say and a lot of people to thank, but I will post a separate Author's Note so as not to take up pages and pages of this chapter with stuff that's not directly related to the end of the story. I would encourage you to read the AN, though, as it will include answers to reader questions and other potentially interesting info!**

**All the Twilight characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 54: It All Revolves Around You

I settled back in my seat. With anyone else the thought of a surprise would have sent me into a panic. With Jasper, I merely felt a tingle of anticipation. I loved him enough to believe I was going to be happy with whatever he had planned.

We drove north, past Seattle, past Anacortes and up towards Vancouver. I started getting a little worried when it looked like we were actually going to leave the United States.

"Um, don't I need a passport to go to Canada?" I asked.

"Already taken care of," he said, pulling a passport out of his inside jacket pocket and handing it to me. I opened it and saw that it was my own passport that I had gotten back when Renee thought she might marry Phil on the beach in Mexico.

"I found it when I was getting your clothes last month. It's what gave me this idea."

"You've been planning this for a whole month?"

"I have. It took a little time and effort, but Esme actually handled most of the arrangements."

Hearing Esme's name brought up many conflicting emotions.

"How was it?" I asked. "Living with them again?" In addition to having our phone time limited by Jasper's duties, there were certain subjects we had not discussed because of the excellent hearing of everyone near him whenever we spoke.

He considered the question before responding.

"It was . . . different. They all deferred to my expertise, which had never happened before. They actually wanted to learn something from me. They were interested in training techniques, but that led to other questions about my past. It was like, for the first time, they were trying to get to know me. Like they were trying to make up for lost time, convince me that I was part of the family."

I looked over at him thoughtfully, on the one hand grateful that the Cullens were finally treating him the way they should have treated him all along, and on the other apprehensive that this change in attitude had convinced him that he wanted to live with them again. Even if Jasper was ready to forgive and forget, I wasn't sure I could be that generous.

"And, do you want to be part of the family? Do you still want to be affiliated with Alice?" I saw his jaw clench tightly and I didn't need to hear the answer.

"I most certainly do not want to be affiliated with Alice, but I'm not altogether certain she will remain with the Cullens after Mike's newborn year is over. She's finding the climate much less hospitable than it had been before."

I was genuinely surprised. Other than Emmett, who seemed to take Jasper's and my side against Alice after he learned of her past deceptions, I couldn't think of any other family member who would have turned against her.

"What happened?" I asked, truly eager to know the answer.

"I'll tell you all about it, but another time. I would really prefer not to speak about that evil, manipulative bitch for the rest of the trip."

I sat back in my seat, shocked at the vehemence of his words. Clearly, when it came to Alice, anyway, Jasper was on the same page as I, maybe even a bit further back. He looked over at me apologetically.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's just that . . ."

"Don't," I stopped him. "You don't have to apologize or explain. I understand. I should have never brought it up. I think we're both still a little raw on this particular subject."

"Not as raw as Mike was when he woke up," Jasper laughed a slightly malevolent laugh.

I shot him a look. "Oh? You never said anything. What happened?"

"Let's just say his initial bout of hostility was directed towards his creator, and since we had no advanced warning, he got her good before any of us had a chance to step in and stop him."

I looked at Jasper in shock. Mike had never been a violent person and certainly he had never had a quarrel with Alice. Jasper must have sensed my confusion.

"He heard everything while he burned, Bella, and he heard it all three times. Once when she was explaining everything to us, once to Carlisle and Emmett and the third time for Rosalie and Esme. You know how protective of you he's always been, so when he heard multiple times how Alice hoped for your death, it didn't exactly make him happy. As soon as he could move he went after her. He was so fast and strong, none of us had a chance to stop him. It was hard enough to pull him off her."

"Did he. . . ?" I asked with some trepidation. "Did he hurt her?"

"Not permanently, of course. But she did have to spend some time fusing pieces back together under Carlisle's care and she will have a few more scars to show for it."

I didn't know how to feel about this news. I wasn't exactly wishing for Alice to be hurt, and yet a part of me was glad that she had to go through some suffering. Then I realized that there had been two of them in that fight.

"Is Mike okay?"

"Alice is not much of a fighter, so she didn't cause any damage. With my help to calm him the rest of us managed to pull him off without having to harm him."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Jasper threw me a searching look, but didn't say anything.

"I know he attacked her, but it wasn't really his fault, was it? I mean, the whole thing about being a newborn is that he can't control himself, right? I just don't want him to be hurt anymore because of me. I already took everything from him: his family, his friends, his future. He had plans, you know? He had his entire life planned out before I even thought about what I wanted to do after graduation. And yet I'm still here and he's . . ." A couple of tears slipped out of my eyes. Jasper reached over to take my hand.

"He's all right, Darlin'. You spoke with him. You know he understands."

"I know." I sniffed. "but still . . ."

He squeezed my hand and then relaxed his grip, but continued to hold it. We didn't talk for a while. Eventually I sighed and smiled over at him.

"I love you, Jasper."

"I love you, Bella."

And just like that we struck an unspoken pact to stop talking about Alice and Mike, and to simply enjoy our reunion.

We crossed the border into Canada without any trouble and soon we were approaching Vancouver. Jasper drove to a parking garage near the airport, where we left the car, taking a shuttle to the terminal.

"Where are we going?" I asked, unable to stifle my curiosity.

"We're flying to Saskatoon," he said, sporting an enigmatic smile. "From there we'll drive for a bit until we reach our destination."

I rolled my eyes, but I knew he realized I was enjoying the mystery.

The fight to Saskatoon was direct and relatively short. On landing we were greeted by a Canadian gentleman who supplied us with a Ford Explorer, which looked to be loaded up with supplies a couple might need for a long weekend getaway. Jasper drove us further north, following the signs to Prince Albert National Park. The roads became narrower as we drove, until eventually we turned off onto a snow covered, barely marked path. Jasper just smiled when my eyebrows lifted in question as we headed straight for the tree line.

"Almost there," he said, laughing.

"Hmmm," I sniffed, refusing to take the bait.

We drove into the forest and the snow-covered trees blocked most of the light, making the drive a little bit eerie. Not much later, however, we passed through the trees and we were in a huge, gorgeous clearing. In the center stood a large, beautiful log cabin. As Jasper drove around the cabin to the back, I realized that it had been built into a slope to create a lower level that was invisible from the front. I looked around the back of the cabin as Jasper got out to open the garage door. There was a deck that ran the full length of the cabin on the upper level. It looked like the lower lever was split between the garage and a room with a huge patio door that led to a lower tier of the deck with a built in hot tub.

Jasper pulled the Explorer into the garage, closed the garage door and turned on the lights before opening the passenger door to help me out. He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door that separated the garage from the rest of the cabin. We entered through a mud room, equipped with snow suits and a variety of other winter gear. Beyond the mudroom was a large recreation room, complete with a home theater area, a pool table and several pinball machines. I looked at Jasper with wide eyes, but he just grinned like a little boy and pulled me to the oak staircase that led to the upper level of the cabin.

Upstairs the outside walls of the log cabin had been left unfinished and remained relatively unadorned except for their own rustic beauty. The front of the cabin was a large open space with a kitchen, dining area, and a living room equipped with another large screen TV as well as a computer work station built into a wall of fully-stocked bookcases. I barely had time to absorb what I saw before being pulled into a narrow hallway in the back of the cabin which led to the sleeping quarters. The bedroom on the left had an adjoining bathroom that could also be entered from the hall. The bedroom on the right, obviously intended as a master bedroom, had a large, private, adjoining bath. Every room was beautifully decorated in a simple and tastefully subdued manner.

"Wow," I said after I finally had seen everything and we were back in the living room. "What is this place?"

"Do you like it?" Jasper asked.

"As if you didn't already know," I replied. "I love it. It's beautiful. Whose is it?"

"It's ours."

"Ours?" I scrunched up my face in question.

"Well, technically it's mine, but of course what's mine is yours now and I purchased this property expressly with you in mind," he was looking at me intently, as if willing me to understand something unspoken. "I hope to spend a lot of time here with you real soon," he prompted, when I didn't respond.

"Oh!" even I couldn't miss a clue that big. This was where he intended for us to live during my newborn year. I looked around again with fresh eyes. The cabin was truly lovely and comfortable, but I wondered how much of this I would be able to appreciate as a crazed newborn.

"I wanted to spend this time here with you so that you could get used to it. So that when we come back it will already be familiar. I think that will help you."

"I'm sure it will," I said quietly, looking around again.

"Is something wrong, Darlin'?" Jasper asked. "If there's anything you don't like, we can change it. If anything seems missing, we'll get it. Or we can choose to stay elsewhere altogether."

He was always so caring, so considerate, trying to anticipate and meet my every need. How could I explain that it wasn't the place that worried me, as much as what it represented?

"Are we far enough away?" I asked timidly. "From people?"

"We are. The nearest human neighbors are over 40 miles away. Much too far to smell their blood. There may be hikers who get closer, but I will be sure to keep a lookout for them and we'll do most of our hunting at night."

"I see," suddenly it all felt too real, too close. I wasn't ready for it. I loved Jasper and wanted to spend eternity with him, but I just couldn't see myself hunting animals and draining them of their blood.

Jasper came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Trust me, Bella," he said, misunderstanding my distress, "I will make sure you never harm a human. We won't need to go far to hunt around here. There is a creek behind the house, so some animals will actually come to us. And, as you know," he lowered his voice to a breathy whisper, "I plan on keeping your mind focused on other activities."

Ah yes, other activities! I had forgotten of his cunning plan to re-direct my attention away from my newborn blood lust. Suddenly all apprehensions about hunting animals faded into the background. I turned my head just as he turned his and our lips met in a soft kiss.

"You're a tease, Racer."

"Maybe," he said against my lips as he turned my body in his arms in what felt like a luxurious slow dance. "Do you want me to stop?" his right hand slid leisurely along the length of my left arm, gently lifting it over my head so that my back arched and my chest pressed into his. He pushed me lightly to lean against the bookcase as his lips crashed into mine. I didn't have to respond to his question verbally. My throaty moan was response enough.

Suddenly I felt a vibration and Jasper pulled back, grimacing as he pulled the phone out of his pocket. He glanced at the display and his frown deepened.

"Hello, Carlisle," he said after accepting the call. I watched as he listened to what Carlisle had to say.

"We've discussed this." He snapped, clearly irritated. "I thought you all would be able to handle him. This isn't exactly convenient."

I could hear Carlisle's voice on the other end of the line, but I couldn't make out what he was saying.

"Fine," Jasper finally said. "I'll ask her. But she can't just be at your beck and call. You all have to figure out how to do this without her."

My eyebrows shot up in question.

"Apparently Mike is quite agitated because you missed your noon call with him and they haven't been able to come up with a way to calm him. Carlisle is wondering if you wouldn't mind speaking with him for a little while."

I bit my lip. My first instinct was to agree right away, but then I realized that Jasper clearly was not expecting to share my time with anyone on this trip. I didn't know what to do.

"It's all right, Bella," he said resignedly. "Here, talk to him," he said as he handed me the phone. "I'll unpack the car."

I put the phone up to my ear. "Hello?" I said hesitantly.

"I'm so sorry I'm asking you to do this, Bella. I know I'm intruding on your and Jasper's time together. But without Jasper here we just haven't been able to think of anything to reduce his anger," Carlisle sounded both apologetic and distraught.

"I'll see what I can do," I said. "Put him on please."

"Bella?" There was a note of mistrust in Mike's voice.

"It's me, Mike." I replied, trying to make my own voice as soothing as I could.

"You didn't call to read," he was clearly hurt and I felt bad for failing to plan for this. I should have warned him that when Jasper came back I wouldn't be able to call him as often.

"There was a slight change in plans today and we've been traveling. I didn't have a chance to call."

"Traveling? Where are you? Are you coming here?" He was both anxious and hopeful. I hated having to disappoint him.

"No, Mike. We talked about this, remember? I won't be able to visit for a while yet. Being so near a human would be too tempting for you."

"I don't think so, Bella. I really don't. This bloodlust that everyone keeps talking about, I don't feel it. I'm fine with the animal blood. I don't crave more than that. And being here with them is horrible. I hate them, Bella, especially her. If I have to stay here for 11 more months I will find a way to kill her."

I cringed, not just because of what he was saying but also because I knew all the Cullens heard it too.

"Mike, listen to me. The Cullens are good vampires. The care about you. Alice cares about you," The last part was difficult to say, my throat constricting around her name. "I would not have consented to you staying with them if I thought that it wouldn't be the best thing for you. Do you really hate all of them that much?"

"Emmett's okay, I guess," he replied grudgingly. "He can be funny, and I like hunting with him."

"Emmett likes a lot of the same video games as you do, maybe the two of you could play?"

"We tried," Mike said, "but I destroyed the controllers. I guess I don't have a good sense of my strength yet," I could tell he was embarrassed. I was sure his inability to gauge his physical strength was contributing to his agitation. As an athlete, Mike had known his body's strengths and limitations well. Now he had to learn everything over again.

Jasper, who had already made several trips back to the car at his superhuman speed, was now unpacking the food. I looked over at him in frustration at my inability to help Mike.

"Tell him I'll have a hundred controllers overnighted to him and to just keep trying. He'll figure it out soon."

"I heard that," Mike said. "Tell Jasper 'thanks' for me."

Of course Jasper had heard him too, saving me the trouble of having to relay their messages.

"What about the others? Isn't there anything you like about them?"

"I don't know, Bella. In my head I know that they're not bad vampires. I know they're trying to help me despite the fact that I'm making their life hell. But deep down inside I just feel this hatred and disgust."

I looked to Jasper again. He shrugged, indicating he had no answers.

"Mike, maybe you hate me for asking Alice to turn you into a vampire and you're just taking your anger for me out on them?" It hurt to say it, but the thought had been nagging at me for quite a while and I needed to put it out there. I saw Jasper frowning as he walked over to stand behind me and put his arms around me, pressing his lips to my temple.

"No. I don't think that's it. I understand why you did what you did. But you would have never had to make that decision if it wasn't for them, would you? If they hadn't decided to mingle with the humans in Forks and if Edward hadn't decided to take the mingling to the next level with you, none of this would have happened. If they had just kept to themselves you never would have met Victoria and she never would have had an interest in either of us. I just hate them! Why couldn't they keep with their own kind?"

I cringed and Jasper's arms tightened around me. Mike's diatribe made my head spin.

"Mike," I said, using my soothing voice again, "They intermingle with humans to remind themselves of who they used to be, of their own humanity, and why they need to stay vegetarians. The things with Victoria weren't their fault. It was just a cruel twist of fate."

He didn't answer for a while.

"Maybe," he said, but I could tell he wasn't convinced. "Hey Bella, would you mind reading to me a little? I'm dying to know what happens next but I don't want to read ahead of you."

My heart fell. I had been reading the new Bernard Cornwell's novel, _Agincourt_, and we had left off at a critical part in the plot. But I had completely forgotten to bring the book when I was packing. I felt Jasper withdraw and saw him ghost over to the bookcase, returning nearly instantly with a copy of the book. I gave him a grateful smile.

"Sure, Mike," I said, "I'll read for a while."

I grabbed Jasper's hand and pulled him over to the sofa, indicating that he should sit. Once he was seated I settled myself in his lap and curled up against his chest. I opened the book to the page where I had left off the last time and started reading. I stopped after about an hour and hung up the phone. I reached up to kiss Jasper.

"Thank you," I told him, "I think he really needed that."

Jasper lowered his head for another soft, lingering kiss. Even after he lifted his lips, he kept his forehead resting against mine.

"I realized that I was being selfish earlier. I have you all to myself for at least 4 more days. I can afford to be generous for an hour, for Mike. Plus, I really wanted to know what happened too," his smile reached all the way into the deep recesses of his eyes.

I pulled back a little. I should have realized he'd been listening to my readings as well.

"Why does Mike hate the Cullens so much, Jasper?"

"I don't know, Darlin'. Carlisle's been wondering the same thing. Mike's transition has been very unusual."

"Unusual?" I looked at him with surprise. "You never said anything."

"We didn't want to worry you, or him, especially since it may not mean anything, but there were several things that were. . . are," he corrected himself, "a bit odd."

"Really? Like what?"

He considered me carefully, probably wondering if it was wise to share the information with me.

"If you don't tell me I'll probably imagine things even worse than what really happened and I'll worry more than is necessary."

"All right," he relented. "It took Mike a day longer than usual to fully transform and the end was excruciatingly painful for him, more so than usual, which, as you might recall, was already the most painful thing I ever recall experiencing. Then, as soon as he woke up he attacked Alice. Now, aggressive behavior is typical for newborns, but the first desire is always blood. Alice has none of that to offer, so that was strange. In fact, his entire hostility towards vampires and his affinity for animal blood is out of the norm. But even all those things put together are not as bizarre as the fact that he's still warm."

"What?" I gasped. My breath caught in my throat.

"His temperature hasn't changed. He's as warm as he's ever been while human. Carlisle's never seen anything like it. He's examined him thoroughly and there is no doubt that Mike is a full-fledged vampire, but he is not cold like the rest of us."

"How?" I asked dumbly, "How can that be?"

"We don't know. Carlisle has no explanation. He purchased some equipment and is setting up a lab in Alaska so he can study Mike's DNA, but with as much handling as Mike requires there isn't a lot of time for scientific study."

I sat back and pondered this new mystery. What did it mean for Mike?

"Has Alice seen anything? Does she know what will happen to him?"

Jasper shook his head.

"Alice hasn't had a vision since the final day of Mike's transformation. Carlisle's been working on solving that puzzle as well. He hasn't been able to find anything wrong with her and wonders if it's psychosomatic."

"Psychosomatic? Like she's not seeing things as self-punishment for the way she used her visions to manipulate us?"

"Maybe," Jasper nodded, "Though I don't really believe that. I still haven't seen any remorse from her, so if it's her psyche repressing her power it must be lodged really deep inside."

"Would it be wrong of me to hope Alice doesn't get her power back?" I asked quietly.

"After all she's done to us, and especially to you, I can't imagine any reaction would be wrong, except maybe total unconditional forgiveness."

"Right," I said and leaned against him again. "I guess I hope Carlisle figures out what's going on with both of them, and that he can help Mike get better."

"Me too, Darlin," he pulled me into a close hug.

My stomach emitted an embarrassingly loud rumble.

"You need to eat," Jasper stated the obvious as he stood up with me still in his arms and walked to the kitchen. "What would you like?"

"Put me down and I'll see what we have," I replied. I quickly found that whoever purchased the food was very thorough, giving me lots of choices. I opted for speed, and selected all the ingredients I needed to make an omelet. I let Jasper chop the mushrooms and ham while I prepared the pan and whisked the eggs. Cooking together felt so right, I became a bit sad again when I realized in a few months there would be no need for us to ever step foot in the kitchen. But all those thoughts melted away when my eyes met with Jasper's loving gaze, and I was reminded that eternity with him was worth some sacrifices.

We thoroughly enjoyed the rest of our time at the cabin. We were pretty active during the days. Jasper took me snowshoeing in Prince Albert National Park, snowmobiling and even ice skating. I was particularly hesitant about the latter, thinking that the last thing I needed after my recent ankle sprain was to put my feet on narrow metal blades, but Jasper skated and supported me so well that I managed to get through our afternoon at the rink without a single fall.

In the evenings Jasper always helped me prepare dinner, and after I ate we'd play pinball or one of many board games stored in a rec room closet, or watch movies either in the home theater or, my personal favorite, curled up in front of a roaring fire in the living room on top of a huge bear skin rug, which apparently had been Emmett's contribution to the cabin décor. Jasper explained that Esme had personally decorated the cabin and purchased all of the clothes that I found when I ventured into the master bedroom closet, but Emmett insisted that she include a rug made out of one of the bears he'd hunted.

"Esme felt horrible about leaving you behind in Forks," Jasper told me. "And then, after she found out what Alice had done, she insisted that this was the very least she could do for us."

I made mental note to send Esme a thank you gift when I returned home. Her simple and tasteful style, both in home décor and clothing, suited me so much better than Alice's high-fashion agenda, which I had been forced to put up with while dating Edward. Not having to ever again play Bella Barbie was yet another bonus of my relationship with Jasper.

I continued to speak and read with Mike every day, but I made sure Jasper was always with me so that he wouldn't feel excluded. The two of us also spent hours talking together, getting to know each other even better than before. I was too tired the evening we arrived, but the second evening we exchanged Christmas presents. I was so apprehensive about my gift for him, but as soon as he opened it I knew I had done the right thing when I went back to Seattle, found Ken, and using some photographs and a copy of the sketch he had done of us previously, commissioned him to sketch a scene commemorating our whole day in Seattle. Ken had done a wonderful job, surrounding a smaller version of Jasper and me with scenes of the Shooting Star, whales, the Space Needle, and Doc Maynard's Pub.

"Bella," Japer said, his voice filled with love, as he looked at our drawn faces much the same way I had looked at them so many times when we were apart, "this is fantastic! I will treasure it always."

His gift for me was even more astounding. I first opened a box filled with European travelogues.

"You remembered!" I remarked excitedly, "Can we watch a few of them right now?"

"In a minute," he replied, "After you finish opening your present."

I was confused, not knowing exactly what he meant, until I saw an envelope taped to the bottom of the box. I opened the envelope to find undated plane tickets and a trip itinerary. I quickly scanned the different stops – London, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam, Barcelona, Vienna, Prague . . . the list went on. I lifted my eyes in question, not willing to believe what I was reading until I heard it from him.

That's right, Bella," he confirmed, "These are all the places I'd like to take you on our European tour following your graduation. I want you to see in person all the places we'll be hearing about in these travelogues."

I was too excited to speak, so instead I leaned forward, resting my weight on my arms, planted firmly on either side of his hips, and covered his face with so many kisses he soon was laughing with me and we were tumbling backwards onto the rug as the kisses turned from playful to passionate. As our lips and tongues and hands teased and explored, all I could think about was how perfect my life was turning out and how lucky we both were to have found each other.

Later that evening we went out for a walk. Moonlight reflected off the freshly fallen snow, illuminating the clearing better than streetlights. We walked holding hands, or as close to that as was possible given the thickness of my gloves, and we said little, preferring to listen to the silence of the perfect night. I looked up at a sky full of brilliantly bright stars and felt my universe align. And as self conscious as I was about singing in front of Jasper, he of the idyllic honeyed voice, I couldn't help but softly start singing the song that jumped into my head:

_Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place  
__Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace_

And then Jasper surprised me by joining in the next two lines.

_Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste  
__It all revolves around you._

"It does for me, you know," I told him. "It has since that first Sunday we spent together."

"I know," he acknowledged, "I feel the same way about you."

"I will never doubt again," I told him sincerely, quoting another of our favorite movies.

"There will never be a need," he responded without missing a beat.

Jasper insisted on cooking dinner for me New Year's Eve. He even sent me down to the rec room so that I would be completely surprised. He had also had Esme pick out an outfit for me to wear that evening that he swore up and down he'd resisted peeking at so that he would be surprised as well. The outfit was packed into a garment bag and the accessories were grouped together in a coordinating hat box. I brought both items into the downstairs bathroom, brimming with nervous excitement. The garment bag held a lovely knee-length classic, empire waist v-neck black dress. The cap sleeves were made of shimmery black fabric and a strip of the same fabric was used to accentuate the empire waist on the otherwise unadorned dress. The dress was so elegant it nearly brought tears to my eyes.

Esme placed every other thing to go with the dress in the hat box, including flattering yet elegant undergarments, sexy strappy shoes with heels short and wide enough to hopefully keep even someone as accident prone as me on her feet, a lovely necklace, bracelet and earring set, even a curling iron and brush for my hair, make up and a manicure/pedicure set. Already so grateful to this amazing loving woman, I opened the envelope that was also resting in the box.

_My dearest Bella,_

_You have always been like another daughter to me, and I can only beg your forgiveness for not acting as a mother should have when Edward asked us to leave Forks. I hope you know how much joy it brought me to be able to select these items for your special celebration with Jasper, and that you can find it in your heart to some day forgive me and the rest of our family for the mistakes we made in the past. I have watched my son over the last month beam with the love he feels for you, and I have heard your love for him when you spoke with each other, so I know your future together will be filled with joy and happiness. May this New Year celebration be a glorious and memorable start of your intertwined life._

_All my love,_

_Esme_

I couldn't help but shed a few tears at the beauty of the letter, before I re-composed myself and started getting ready. The swarm of butterflies returned to my stomach as I showered, polished my nails, arranged my hair, dressed and applied my make up. Thankfully, I only had a few minutes to pace back and forth nervously after I was done before Jasper called to say that everything upstairs was ready.

I heard his breath catch as I started walking up the stairs, and I blushed with pleasure. My breath was interrupted too when I saw him standing at the top of the stairs in a tailored black suit, a crisp white shirt and a tie made of the same fabric as the accents on my dress. With his blond waves falling softly over his eye and his relaxed, casual stance, he looked like a model or a secret agent. I simply couldn't believe that this absolutely gorgeous man was all mine, not just for tonight, but for all time.

He walked down to meet me halfway and tucked my hand into his folded arm as we walked up the stairs together. Once there I saw that the room had been transformed. The dining table was set with luxurious looking linens and china, the sound system played soft music, a fire crackled in the fire-place and hundreds of candles were lit all around. I looked around in awe.

"I wanted to create just the prefect mood for tonight. Did I succeed?" Jasper asked quietly, though he had to sense already how amazed I was.

"It's so beautiful," I said breathlessly.

"Not nearly as beautiful as you, my love."

I looked down, pleased but a bit embarrassed too.

"Esme gets all the credit. She did a wonderful job picking out the . . ."

He reached for my chin and tilted up my face, silencing me with a kiss before I could finish my sentence.

"Esme may have helped with the setting for tonight, Darlin', but you are the diamond, the only true beauty in this room."

"Oh, I don't know, Racer," I teased, "You're pretty amazingly handsome yourself."

I stifled his protest in the same manner as he stifled mine.

Jasper had prepared a wonderful meal for me, and I complimented his growing culinary prowess.

"I've been practicing," he admitted sheepishly," though it was somewhat difficult without a taste tester. I had to hope that the flavors would be to your liking."

I assured him that everything was to my liking, including the chocolate covered strawberries he had made for dessert.

After dinner we danced, Jasper once again leading me expertly and without mishap as we moved around the room. Later he sat on the sofa while I laid with my head resting in his lap as he fed me pieces of a caramello bar, drizzling the caramel into my mouth in a manner that exponentially increased both of our already heightened levels of excitement. Out of desperation to avoid violating the baseball progression of our relationship and moving directly to a home run, we decided to watch Serenity, the film follow-up to Firefly which, while very interesting was, fortunately, nearly devoid of romance.

As midnight approached, we settled in front of the fire and turned on the television, trying to tune out the inane commentators as we waited for the countdown. Soon we heard the crowd start to chant 10. . . 9. . . 8. . . and we smiled softly at each other as the numbers dwindled down to 1 and our lips came together in an emotionally charged kiss.

"Happy New Year, Jasper," I whispered after we broke apart.

"Happy New Year, Bella, and a happy new life to us, together forever."

"I'll kiss to that," I said. And that's exactly what we did.

THE END.

**

* * *

**

So this is it. I hope you enjoyed the story. The song in this chapter is _Come what May_ from the movie _Moulin Rouge_. The quote is from _The Princess Bride_ (Thanks for the reminder, Rora! It was too perfect not to use).

**Don't forget my poll on which chapters I should write from Jasper's POV is now open at the top of my profile page. It will remain open through next Saturday, June 27. You'll be able to see the results on June 28. As I said before, I will write at least the top 3 chapters chosen by the readers. They will be posted separately from this story due to the M rating, but I will upload an Author's Note here to let you know that I started posting and where to find the new chapters. **

**I hope the story and the ending lived up to your expectations. Leave a review and let me know. That goes double for those of you who normally read and don't review – here's your chance to give me your comments on the entire story all at once. And don't forget to read the Author's Note that will be posted soon as Chapter 55 – I will be including information there that may be of interest!**


	55. Chapter 55: Author's Note

**AUTHORS NOTE**

First of all, I need to thank my husband, who has put up with an absentee wife for four months while I was writing this story. Yet, despite being a fan fiction widower, he has read all the Twilight books and is now finishing Golden Moon. You're the best, honey. Mwah!

I would, of course, like to thank everyone who has read the story! I am amazed by the number of hits and views this story has received over the past 4 months. Since this is my first fan fiction story, I really didn't know what to expect. Needless to say, your support has exceeded even my wildest expectations. So thank you ever so much!

I would like to send an even more special thank you to everyone who has submitted a review at one time or another throughout this story's run. I didn't realize this before I started writing, but reviews really help! Just knowing that someone cares enough about your writing to put down a comment is a tremendous boost!

And then there are those of you who have become as closely involved with these characters as I have, and have really helped me throughout the story run. I don't even know how to put my thanks to you into words. You have really touched me!

My biggest reader thank you has to go to the three readers who were with me when I first started posting (in those first two chapters where Jasper hadn't even made an appearance yet!) and stayed all along: **Shellebean**, **XteamXjasperX** and **Zombie's Run This Town. **Your support from the very beginning was absolutely crucial, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Of course I also have to thank everyone who has ever recommended this story, whether informally to a friend or through an e-mail group or by mentioning it in an author's note. I fully recognize that many of you would not be here right now if you had not heard about the story from **IdreamofEddy** or **Lillie Cullen** or several other authors who have mentioned the story in their author's noted (Boy, right about now I wish I had kept a list!) **Thank you so much for the recommendations!**

And an enormous thank you goes to **Breenieweenie **who created the awesome trailer for the story (link is in my profile), thus bringing even more readers to Golden Moon. Every time I watch that tailer I am amazed! The song she selected is absolutely perfect for the way Bella feels when Edward leaves in the beginning. Just to save you the trouble of looking the lyrics up, I'll post them here. The song is _The Day The World Went Away_ by Nine Inch Nails.

_I'd listen to the words he'd say  
but in his voice I heard decay  
the plastic face forced to portray  
all the insides left cold and gray  
there is a place that still remains  
it eats the fear it eats the pain  
the sweetest price he'll have to pay  
the day the whole world went away  
_

Last, but certainly not least, I want to thank the ladies who have previewed my chapters at various times throughout the story run. **bbwhisperer, calliope jones, chel88, ffyreflyy, IdreamofEddy, lizbit, **and** mmsimpy09**. These ladies were there to help me with the hardest chapters, and without them this story would not be what it is today! **Thank you! **

I tried to remember everyone, but I'm, sure I've forgotten some very important people. If I didn't mention your contribution, please know that it's only because the brain is an imperfect organ, not because I intended any slight! I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

**

* * *

**

And now, answers to reader questions.

By far the most frequent question has been about future stories, sequels, epilogues, etc. Here are the answers:

**1. Will you write more Jasper/Bella stories? **I am so invested in the Golden Moon Jasper and Bella that I cannot imagine writing another story with characters with the same names and different personalities. So while I never say never, the answer is probably not, unless it is a sequel to Golden Moon.

**2. Will you write the whole Golden Moon from Jasper's POV? **I'm afraid not. the story is simply too long to re-tell. We'll just have to be satisfied with the glimpses we have into his mind from the three chapters chosen by the readers in the poll. These chapters will be posted at a later date as part of the Of Vampires and Women story. You can put that story on alert or add me to your author alerts to get updates when the new chapters post.

**3. Will you write an epilogue or story explaining what's up with Mike? **As many of you realized, there is more to Mike than your average sparkling vampire. I confess that ,while I always liked Mike, and from the very beginning when I outlined this story he was the one who was supposed to get transformed into a vampire at the fight scene, I actually fell in love with him more as I was writing the story. And I do not want to give him up. So I am in the process of outlining a follow-up to Golden Moon that will be about Mike's newborn year, and will hopefully answer a lot of your questions about him.

**4. Will you write an epilogue or sequel about Bella and Jasper?** Yes. A follow up Bella dn Jasper story has been outlined and will eventually be written. However, the Mike story will be first in line to be written.

**5. Will you write more stories involving other characters? **Not for a while. Finishing Golden Moon was a huge goal and test for me. Now that I proved to myself that I can write a story this long from start to finish, my goal is to do the same with an original fiction idea that has been floating around my brain for many years. So my time for writing fan fiction will be more limited in the future. But as I get ideas, I may do some one-shots. Those would be fun!

**6. What will the ratings be for Jasper's POV chapters and for future stories?**- Japer's POV will always be rated M - I simply cannot write his POV as a T story solely based on language and subject matter. So sorry to all my teen readers. At this point I'm thinking that the rest of my stories will be M rated for this very reason and just because it's easier to write without constantly thinking about restrictions. While I do not mind lemons as part of a well written story where they enhance the plot, I am not a lemon writer, so please do not expect that in the future. Lemons, if any, will be few and far between in my stories, regardless of the rating.

I received some other questions as well, which I will attempt to answer here to the extent possible. Obviously I cannot answer questions about Mike - those answers will come in his story.

**7. What did Jasper and Jacob talk about when they met in the forest during Mike's Party? **The initial exchange between Jasper and Jacob (the "I know what you've been doing" exchange) referred to the fact that even though Bella had left him, Jasper was still frequently watching her. He wasn't stalking - he merely wanted to make sure she was safe (or at least that's what he told himself). Jake and the wolf pack knew about this and Jake wanted to make sure Jasper didn't try to talk Bella into getting back together, and there were constant wolf patrols around Bella to keep Jasper at a distance. By the time the two of them met up, they merely had a calm discussion where Jake explained to Jasper that unless he moved on, Bella never would be able to lead a normal life. He actually managed to convince Jasper that he was doing Bella more harm than good by staying in Forks. Jasper explained to Jake how he felt about Bella, and promised to think about leaving for her benefit. That's why he didn't put up too much of a fight when Bella asked him to leave later that night. He had already pretty much come to that decision himself.

**8. Did Edward really love Bella and where the heck is he? **The answer is yes, Edward really did love Bella in his own way. His love for Bella is very similar to Alice's love for Jasper. He loves her, but only if he can have her on his terms. And because, as Alice points out, he is terrified that changing Bella will cause him to be able to read her mind, he would rather totally abandon her than risk her getting changed by accident. However, he was thoroughly destroyed by having to leave Bella so, much as in New Moon, he left to try to track Victoria and ended up in South America somewhere, out of touch with his family. He has no idea what happened between Jasper and Bella. If he knew you bet he would be back in a flash. However, Alice knew that there was a possibility of Jasper being hurt if Edward came back, so she never told him about Bella and Jasper.

And yes, despite the quit elaborate story I just told above, one of the main reasons Edward was not in this story is because I was always "saving" his reaction for a possible sequel. So now you know. We may never have a sequel, but if there is one you will see Edward.

**9. How can the Cullens be so forgiving of Alice and how can she be trusted with Mike? **As Jasper alluded to in the last chapter, the Cullens are not as forgiving as it might first appear. I don't want to get into too many details, because we will see more of this in Mike's story. Suffice it to say all is not happy at the Cullen Clan in Alaska. However, at the end of the day both Esme and Carlisle work very hard to keep the peace among their children and to work out a peaceful resolution for everyone. I'm still not sure if they'll be able to succeeded here.

As far as being trusted with Mike, as we heard from Jasper it's really a question of whether Mike can be trusted with Alice. Without her visions she is absolutely no match for his newborn strength and she cannot manipulate him mentally the way she did Jasper.

**10. In chapter 53 did Jake start to develop feelings for Bella beyond friendship?** No, he didn't. But he is in a tough position. He suspects that Bella will eventually ask Jasper to change her into a vampire and he really would do anything in his power to stop that, including seducing her, if that were possible. Jake is not above playing dirty to keep Bella human. It's just that with Mike turned into a vampire there aren't enough good human alternatives to Jasper. But in the end, Bella's happiness will be the most important thing to Jake, as it should be to any big brother (even a non-biological big brother).

I think that just about covered all the question. If I forgot something please let me know and I will try to update this note.

* * *

**Once again, thank you so much for all the reviews and for supporting Golden Moon! You all have made me a very happy author!**

**

* * *

**

SEQUEL AND OUTTAKE UPDATE (9-3-10):

As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I've been writing pretty much non-stop since I finished Golden Moon last year. That's the good news. The bad news is that I've been writing other stuff, and I am nowhere near done. What does this mean for GM? Well, The sequels will come, but I cannot tell you when. Unfortunately, it probably will not be soon. I appreciate PMs offering encouragement and assistance, but really there is nothing anyone can do. I simply need to tie up all my other writing loose ends before I can come back to this series. I do want to thank all of you for your support. It means a lot, and I only hope that when I do return some day to write the two sequels, you all will still remember the original story.

Again, I am very sorry for the delay and I thank you for your patience. I swear I have not abandoned this story or the characters - just placed them a bit of a longer hiatus.


End file.
